S02E01 - The Bad Fish Paradigm

No: 18  |  Season: 2   Episode: 1  |  Air Date: 2008-09-22  |  Runtime: mins

You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community college graduate?

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Summary

Leonard becomes concerned when his date with Penny ends abruptly and she starts blowing him off. When told the truth, Sheldon would rather move out than keep Penny's reasons a secret from Leonard.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Bill Prady / Teleplay by: Dave Goetsch & Steven Molaro

Script

Script: S02E01 - The Bad Fish Paradigm

Quotes

Rajesh: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard: And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

(Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing)
Sheldon: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh: (angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon) How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon: (shocked) Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh: (angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time)

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
Sheldon: I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.

Penny: I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
Sheldon: Yet you are neither.

Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.

Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Howard: Are you having a second date?
Leonard: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.

Howard: Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon: I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.

Sheldon: (In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard) "I'm Batman!"

Howard: (Hears a knock on his door) Who is it?
Rajesh: (High-pitched voice) Strippergram!
(Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon)
Rajesh: Tag, you're it.
(Runs off)
Howard: Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?

Sheldon: You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
Penny: Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
(pause)
Sheldon: Which you did not hear about from me.

Leonard: We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard: Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Leonard: I didn't say anything like that.
Howard: Good, 'cause they don't work.
Rajesh: They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Leonard: Look, everything went fine.
(unhides mini sheets)
Leonard: I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
Howard: Let's go to the tape.
(shows the hidden camera record)
Howard: Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Rajesh: Nice close-up, by the way.
Sheldon: Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard: That's not a bad sign.
Sheldon: Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Rajesh: And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
Leonard: I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
(Leaving the room)
Leonard: And take down that camera!
Rajesh: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard: Give him time.

Howard: (Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera) You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh: You being the fish.
Leonard: I'm not the fish!

Leonard: (about his date with Penny) Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."

Sheldon: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard: What's with him?
Howard: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
(Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves)
Sheldon: I'm baaack!
Leonard: I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon: I can't tell you.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon: I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard: I promise.
Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!

(Sheldon is looking for a place to stay)
Rajesh: You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?
Rajesh: I hate trains!
Sheldon: Don't be silly - you love trains.

Penny: This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon: You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
(pause)
Sheldon: It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.

Sheldon: (Ex nihilo) Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of M?nchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard: I'm still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.

Sheldon: (looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard) Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard: It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon: Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.

(Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny)
Leonard: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

Leonard: Well, good night.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard: Why don't we just go into your...
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight, Leonard.

(Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali)
Sheldon: This is a very old building.
Rajesh: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon: Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Rajesh: Not until now!
Sheldon: I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
Rajesh: Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
Sheldon: I'm kidding! I packed it.

Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard: That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard: Absolutely.
(She slams the door in his face)
Leonard: Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.

Notes and Trivia

A Munchhausen Trilemma is a reasoning that no Truth can be proved, since any proof will ultimately fall into one of three unsatisfactory reasonings. In Sheldon's case: he's moving out, because he's moving out.

Pasadena City College does exist and offers Paralegal Studies).

Sheldon (Jim Parsons)'s list of Catwoman actresses, from most favorite to least: Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether, Halle Berry.

Sheldon's slip about being denied clearance to a secret research facility may be true, as there was a secret government-funded military super-collider hidden beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan in the Traverse City Forest Area until 1993.

Goofs

None

Cast

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