S02E01 - The Bad Fish Paradigm

No: 18  |  Season: 2   Episode: 1  |  Air Date: 2008-09-22  |  Runtime: mins

Summary

Leonard becomes concerned when his date with Penny ends abruptly and she starts blowing him off. When told the truth, Sheldon would rather move out than keep Penny's reasons a secret from Leonard.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Bill Prady / Teleplay by: Dave Goetsch & Steven Molaro

Script

Script: S02E01 - The Bad Fish Paradigm

Quotes

Rajesh: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard: And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

(Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing)
Sheldon: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh: (angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon) How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon: (shocked) Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh: (angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time)

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
Sheldon: I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.

Penny: I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
Sheldon: Yet you are neither.

Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.

Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Howard: Are you having a second date?
Leonard: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.

Howard: Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon: I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.

Sheldon: (In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard) "I'm Batman!"

Howard: (Hears a knock on his door) Who is it?
Rajesh: (High-pitched voice) Strippergram!
(Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon)
Rajesh: Tag, you're it.
(Runs off)
Howard: Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?

Sheldon: You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
Penny: Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
(pause)
Sheldon: Which you did not hear about from me.

Leonard: We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard: Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Leonard: I didn't say anything like that.
Howard: Good, 'cause they don't work.
Rajesh: They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Leonard: Look, everything went fine.
(unhides mini sheets)
Leonard: I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
Howard: Let's go to the tape.
(shows the hidden camera record)
Howard: Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Rajesh: Nice close-up, by the way.
Sheldon: Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard: That's not a bad sign.
Sheldon: Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Rajesh: And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
Leonard: I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
(Leaving the room)
Leonard: And take down that camera!
Rajesh: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard: Give him time.

Howard: (Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera) You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh: You being the fish.
Leonard: I'm not the fish!

Leonard: (about his date with Penny) Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."

Sheldon: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard: What's with him?
Howard: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
(Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves)
Sheldon: I'm baaack!
Leonard: I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon: I can't tell you.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon: I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard: I promise.
Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!

(Sheldon is looking for a place to stay)
Rajesh: You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?
Rajesh: I hate trains!
Sheldon: Don't be silly - you love trains.

Penny: This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon: You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
(pause)
Sheldon: It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.

Sheldon: (Ex nihilo) Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of M?nchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard: I'm still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.

Sheldon: (looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard) Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard: It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon: Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.

(Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny)
Leonard: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

Leonard: Well, good night.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard: Why don't we just go into your...
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight, Leonard.

(Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali)
Sheldon: This is a very old building.
Rajesh: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon: Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Rajesh: Not until now!
Sheldon: I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
Rajesh: Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
Sheldon: I'm kidding! I packed it.

Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard: That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard: Absolutely.
(She slams the door in his face)
Leonard: Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.

Notes and Trivia

A Munchhausen Trilemma is a reasoning that no Truth can be proved, since any proof will ultimately fall into one of three unsatisfactory reasonings. In Sheldon's case: he's moving out, because he's moving out.

Pasadena City College does exist and offers Paralegal Studies).

Sheldon (Jim Parsons)'s list of Catwoman actresses, from most favorite to least: Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, Lee Meriwether, Halle Berry.

Sheldon's slip about being denied clearance to a secret research facility may be true, as there was a secret government-funded military super-collider hidden beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan in the Traverse City Forest Area until 1993.

Goofs

None

Cast

Johnny GaleckiLeonard Hofstadter
Jim ParsonsSheldon Cooper
Kaley CuocoPenny
Simon HelbergHoward Wolowitz
Kunal NayyarRaj Koothrappali
Carol Ann SusiDebbie Wolowitz