S03E02 - The Jiminy Conjecture

No: 42  |  Season: 3   Episode: 2  |  Air Date: 2009-09-28  |  Runtime: mins

Sheldon: What was that? Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?

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Summary

Leonard and Penny's first night together goes awkwardly. Sheldon and Howard wager on the species of a cricket.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Jim Reynolds

Script

Script: S03E02 - The Jiminy Conjecture

Quotes

Leonard: We don't have to have sex every night.
Howard: You don't, but it's highly recomended.

Howard: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard: Okay.
(Holds hands up in surrender)
Howard: I believe a chicken made you his bitch.

Howard: (Opens book) There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"
Sheldon: Hang on.
(Leafs through book)
Sheldon: Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".

Howard: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
Howard: First of all...
Raj: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.

Sheldon: What was that?
Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?

Penny: Had a little wine, take the edge off.
Leonard: Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.

Sheldon: (to Raj) Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
(Raj stares at Sheldon)
Sheldon: That was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort.
(Raj still stares)
Sheldon: You're welcome.

Sheldon: I know! It was inappropiate of me to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of them. Right?
(Howard points to his nose)
Sheldon: Good. Now I can eat.

Penny: (seeing Leonard throwing up in the toilet) Oh, sweetie, you really can't hold your liquor, can you?
Leonard: I'm okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I'm gonna rock your world.
(Penny starts throwing up in the sink)
Leonard: Are you okay?
(sees her throwing up, then goes back to throwing up himself)

Leonard: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be.
Howard: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed.
Raj: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.

Professor Crawley: It's a field cricket.
Howard: Yes!
Sheldon: No, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Professor Crawley: Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? "Creepy Crawley"!
Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Professor Crawley: Let me show you something. You see that?
(showing them a beetle in a tank)
Professor Crawley: That's a Crawley's Dung Beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rain forests, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans. So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, 'cause god knows I can't! That tramp took me for everything!
Sheldon: (awkward silence) Well, apparently I was wrong.

Leonard: What are we drinking now?
Penny: Peppermint schnapps.
Leonard: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say "schnapps". Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Penny: Schnapps!
Leonard: Schnapps... You're right, that *is* fun.

Penny: What did you tell them?
Leonard: Nothing bad. Just that last night was fine.
Penny: Fine? You said it was fine?
Leonard: Yeah. It's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?
Penny: It was... okay.
Leonard: Okay?
Penny: Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact. It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.

Howard: (a cricket chirps) What was that?
Sheldon: Hold on.
(Looks at watch while cricket chirps)
Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket.
Howard: How can you tell?
Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
Raj: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?
Sheldon: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.

Howard: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
Raj: Ooh. Big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.

Professor Crawley: What's your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?
Raj: I'm from New Delhi.

Professor Crawley: I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
Howard: No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question.
Professor Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?
Raj: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?

Professor Crawley: Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that's going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.

Howard: No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. You don't pray *to* them, we prey *on* them.
Raj: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't.

Raj: (as they look for the cricket) I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight?

Professor Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket!
Sheldon: (to Howard) Told you!

Professor Crawley: No, don't bother knocking! Come right in! Why show courtesy to the world's leading expert on the dung beetle?

Raj: (as Sheldon descends down the elevator shaft) Be careful.
Sheldon: If I were not being careful, you telling me to be careful would not make me careful.

Leonard: (sighs) God, I had the most horrible night.
Sheldon: What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the "shiksi" goddess.
Howard: Shiksa. Shiksa. Shik-sa.
Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas. And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.
Howard: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is you're wrong, again.
Sheldon: We haven't established that I'm wrong once.

Sheldon: Did I cross a line?
Raj: Of course. You...
Howard: No, let him figure it out by himself.

Notes and Trivia

None

Goofs

None

Cast

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