S03E23 - The Lunar Excitation

No: 63  |  Season: 3   Episode: 23  |  Air Date: 2010-05-24  |  Runtime: mins

Howard: Right now, Doctor Sheldon Cooper has to send an email to his perfect match. (starts typing) "Greetings fellow life form..."

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Summary

Penny has a night of angry, drunken sex with Leonard, much to his confusion. Meanwhile, Howard and Raj search for Sheldon's perfect match online.

Director and Writers

Director: Peter Chakos
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady & Maria Ferrari / Teleplay by: Lee Aronsohn & Steven Molaro & Steve Holland

Script

Script: S03E23 - The Lunar Excitation

Quotes

Raj: Holy crap!
Howard: What?
Raj: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us!
Howard: Excuse me?
Raj: The dating site matched a woman with *Sheldon*.
Howard: You're kidding, an actual woman?
Raj: Yeah, look... breasts and everything.
Howard: Trust me, breasts doesn't necessarily mean woman.
Raj: Since when?
Howard: I'll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime.
(shudders)
Howard: Leonard, you gotta see this! We found a match for Sheldon!
Leonard: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a "How do you dooo?"
Raj: Do you know what he's talking about?
Howard: Nope. Why don't you ask him?
Raj: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard: I don't wanna talk about it.
Raj: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard: Whatever.
(grabs the laptop from Raj)
Howard: Right now, Doctor Sheldon Cooper has to send an email to his perfect match.
(starts typing)
Howard: "Greetings fellow life form..."

Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard!
Leonard: Are you drunk?
Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy and then you *ruined* him!
Leonard: How did I ruin him?
Penny: 'Cause in the olden days I never would have known he was so stupid.
Leonard: Come on, he wasn't that stupid.
Penny: Yes he *was*! He thought you were going to blow up the *moon*!
Leonard: Okay, yeah, he's stupid
(laughs)
Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how *he* invented the word appeteezers!
Leonard: (still laughing) Well, how is that my fault?
Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots, now come with me.
(grabs Leonard's hand and starts pulling him behind her)
Leonard: W-where are we going?
Penny: (shouts) We're gonna have *SEX*!
Leonard: Wha- I mean oh, OK.
Sheldon: (comes out of his bedroom) What's going on?
Penny: Put on your noise cancelling headphones, this is gonna get *loud*.
Sheldon: Ach, not *this* again.
(goes back into his room)

Leonard: Where's Penny?
Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit, not necessarily in that order.
Leonard: I wonder why she didn't say goodbye.
Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behavior?
Leonard: I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.

Raj: Uh oh. She wants to meet us.
Howard: Not us. Him!
Raj: Yes, but, him doesn't even know about her.
Howard: Well um, him about to find out about her.
Raj: Really? Us gonna tell him?

Sheldon: In what universe is that lightly toasted?

Sheldon: In what universe is this low pulp?

Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard.
Leonard: I was a perfectly happy, geeky, li'l lonely guy and you've ruined me.
Penny: Are you drunk?
Leonard: C'mon, we're going to have sex and it's not going to mean a thing.
(he enters her apartment but she shoves him back out)
Penny: Are you out of your mind!
(she slams the door)
Leonard: Really starting to think there's a double standard here.

Sheldon: I have no difficulty believing you're not butter.

Zack: That's your big experiment? All that for a line on a screen?
Leonard: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
Zack: What species is that?
Sheldon: I was wrong. Penny can do better.

Raj: I'm telling you, dude, the only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.
Howard: Horse.
Raj: What?
Howard: The phrase is get back on the horse. Not 'whores'.
Raj: That's disgusting, dude.
Howard: No, it's not... de, uh, never mind.

Raj: Sheldon, I've hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you're willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there... forever.
Sheldon: You're bluffing.
Raj: Are you willing to risk it?
Sheldon: Curse you.

Howard: Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women so we don't have to peep through windows.

Penny: Look, I'm sorry. I was drunk. I was lonely. I hated Zack. Can we just forget it ever happened?
Leonard: No, it's pretty well imprinted on my brain. Especially the whole rodeo thing.

Sheldon: In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?
(makes a face)
Raj: You don't know we're wrong yet.
Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.
(makes the same face again)
Amy: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon: Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy: Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water, please.
(Sheldon and Amy walk over to the counter)
Howard: (to Raj) Good God, what have we done?

Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won't blow up?
Leonard: The laser?
Zack: The moon!
Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard: That's a great question, Zack!
Sheldon: No, it's not!
Penny: Sheldon, play nice.
Sheldon: Well, it's not a great question! How could someone possibly think we're going to blow up the moon? That's a great question.
Leonard: (to Zack) Don't worry about the moon. We... , we set our laser to stun.

Raj: Howard wanted to write "mumbo jumbo," but I said no, our Sheldon would say "hokum."

(Howard and Raj are trying to convince Sheldon to meet Amy)
Howard: Come on, where's your scientific curiosity?
Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unraveling secrets of the universe, while the rest of it's wondering why I'm having this conversation with you.

Leonard: Now, we'll be able to see the beam when it leaves, but it won't be strong enough when it comes back to be seen with the naked eye.
Zack: (looking at Penny) Naked.
(laughs)

Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard. What is that? What is that?
Leonard: Relax, it's just a dirty sock.
Sheldon: How on earth can you can say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?

Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.
Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I've never heard the phrase 'yeeehaw' used in quite that context.
Penny: Oh God!
(she leaves)
Sheldon: Oh, God. That I've heard on multiple occasions.

Zack: Is that the laser? Bitchin'.
Sheldon: Yes, in 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.

Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one.

Leonard: (yelling after Penny) How am I supposed to let it go? You used me for *sex*!
(sees downstairs neighbor in her doorway)
Leonard: Morning, Mrs. Gunderson.
Mrs. Gunderson: Good morning, Leonard, or should I say 'Yee-haw'?

Leonard: OK, we've got power to the laser.
Sheldon: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard: What for? It's not going to rain.
Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.
Howard: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon: One of my best, don't you think?

Sheldon: But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: What's life without whimsy.

Leonard: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.

Notes and Trivia

First appearance of Amy Farrah Fowler (Mayim Bialik). The character is loosely based on Gilda, a character that was cut after the failed first pilot of the show.

The first appearance of Brian Thomas Smith as Zack.

Goofs

None

Cast

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