S12E08 - The Consummation Deviation

No: 263  |  Season: 12   Episode: 8  |  Air Date: 2018-11-08  |  Runtime: mins

Anu: Everything okay? Why are you acting so weird? Raj? What's going on? Raj: (sound of champagne cork) Be right out! You look beautiful!

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Summary

Sheldon tries to bond with Amy's father, but when Wolowitz lures Mr. Fowler away with magic tricks, Sheldon has no choice but to bond with Mrs. Fowler. Also, Koothrappali and Anu try to get physical for the first time.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Steve Holland & Maria Ferrari / Teleplay by: Eric Kaplan & Andy Gordon & Adam Faberman

Script

Script: S12E08 - The Consummation Deviation

Quotes

Penny: So you've been using Sheldon as an excuse to get out of seeing your mother?
Amy: I know. I feel terrible. I love my mom, but, you know, sometimes...
Penny: Yeah. We-we've met her. Yeah.

Bernadette: What's going on, Raj?
Raj: Well, how would you guys feel about going to India for my wedding?
Amy: Oh, that's so exciting!
Leonard: Penny, you will never guess what I have planned for Valentine's Day.

Mrs. Fowler: Thank you, Amy. It's so nice of you to have us over for dinner.
Amy: Couldn't think of a single reason not to.
Sheldon: Yeah, and boy, did she try.

Penny: Hey. You look deep in thought.
Leonard: Ah, I'm just reflecting.
Penny: About what?
Leonard: The first time we slept together.
Penny: Oh, honey, don't beat yourself up. It's great now.
Amy: (entering) This is not good. Sheldon is hanging out with my mom.
Leonard: Yeah, o-one sec.
(to Penny)
Leonard: Wh-what do you mean "don't beat myself up"?
Amy: Guys, focus. My mom thinks that Sheldon is the reason I don't spend a lot of time with her.
Penny: Well, why would she think that?
Amy: Because I told her. Do you need a cup of coffee? Wake up!

Sheldon: Hello, Amy.
Amy: Hey, how's it going?
Sheldon: Well, Howard lured your father away with magic, so now I'm bonding with your mom.
(seeing Mrs. Fowler's hard stare)
Sheldon: I think she likes me.

Raj: Oh, I am stuffed! I should not have eaten all those dumplings.
Anu: I think we should have sex.
Raj: (playing it cool after almost crashing the car) Me, too.
Anu: Yeah, it's just we haven't done it yet, and I think it's important to make sure we're compatible before we get married.
Raj: Oh, I totally agree. Oh, just one question. While we're doing it, can I leave my shirt on? You know, the dumplings, pretty salty.
Anu: It doesn't have to be tonight. How about this weekend? I can get us a room at my hotel.
Raj: Okay. Sounds nice. We can order a bunch of room service, because I'm not eating anything between now and then.
Anu: Aw. Are you worried?
Raj: I am not worried. If anything, I'm overconfident. Edging into smug.
Anu: I'm sure it's gonna be fine.
Raj: Oh, it's gonna be better than fine. Trust me, I've had no complaints.
Anu: Good to know.
Raj: Well, I've had questions, comments, some constructive criticism, but... no complaints.

Raj: Oh, my god, oh, my god, she just texted. She's on her way up!
Penny: Raj, calm down. You got this.
Raj: Yes, thank you. Thank you. I got this.
Penny: And just remember, the most important thing is to have fun.
Raj: Stop putting so much pressure on me!

Bernadette: I'll tell you one thing. Lock the door.
Penny: Yeah, Raj, you're gonna be fine. Just break out some of your Kama Sutra moves.
Raj: I don't really know any of that stuff. I just pretend I do to impress women. And by the way, Anu is Indian; she's gonna know there's no sexual position called a screeching lotus.
Bernadette: Screeching lotus?
Raj: Sometimes I get leg cramps. It's my cover story.

Raj: Hey, Leonard, can you pause the game for a second?
Leonard: Uh, hang on. I'm about to beat Howard.
(Howard pauses the game)
Leonard: What? Hey!
Howard: What? He's our friend. What's up, pal?

Anu: Last night was... wonderful.
Raj: But all we did was talk.
Anu: Yeah. And it was wonderful. Am I safe to assume you talking to me now is a good sign for our marriage?
Raj: Yeah, and-and for my liver. Hey, about the other thing. Um... should we just wait for another night?
Anu: Or I go take a shower, and you decide how you want to play this.
(she heads to the bathroom, while he tries to figure out her meaning)
Anu: Take a shower with me, Raj.

Mrs. Fowler: Sheldon? What's going on? Where's Larry?
Sheldon: Oh, Turnip's out. I'm bonding with you.

Raj: I don't know how else to say this, but, um, Anu and I are going to have sex tonight.
Howard: (a little too interested) Yeah...
Leonard: Do you know how creepy that sounds?
Howard: (in the same tone) Yeah...

Sheldon: After last night, I got to thinking that I should have a better relationship with your family.
Amy: I think the one you have with them is perfect.
Sheldon: I hardly have one at all.
Amy: Which is perfect.
Sheldon: Oh, Amy, they're important to you, and you're important to me. Therefore, according to the transitive property, they're important to me. It's the same reason I'm interested in your big, flat feet.

Sheldon: It's called "Lethal Weapon", but isn't that redundant? Aren't weapons, but their very nature, lethal?
Larry Fowler: I suppose you're right.
Sheldon: And don't even get me started on "Unsolved Mysteries".
Larry Fowler: I didn't get you started on "Lethal Weapon".

Amy: You know that my mom can be... well, difficult to get along with.
Sheldon: Which is why I'm starting with your dad and working my way up.
Amy: All right. I'm just worried you might have a rather unpleasant day.
Sheldon: Yeah, back at you. I watched the trailer for "The Grinch"; it looks terrible.

Raj: Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day?
Leonard: Three months from now? No.
Penny: What, no?
Leonard: I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.

Raj: Hey, guys, before Anu gets here, can I talk about the seating situation? I really don't want her to sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Oh, no problem. Bernadette, floor.
Bernadette: Hey!
Howard: Yeah, you can't make my wife sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Fine. Howard, floor.
Penny: Fine, I'll sit on the floor.
Raj: Thank you, Penny. And Leonard, I was kind of hoping I could sit next to Anu.
Leonard: So now I have to sit next on the floor? It's my house. Why can't Sheldon sit on the floor?
Sheldon: That might be the dumbest thing you have ever said.

Howard: What are you guys up to?
Sheldon: Oh, father-in-law/son-in-law bonding. It's going great. Look at what he bought me at the train store.
(he takes out and blows a whistle)
Sheldon: Yeah, it sounded louder in the car.
Howard: Cool. Can I see it?
Sheldon: (handing it over) Hmm? Sure.
Howard: Interesting. This is one of those disappearing whistles.
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Howard: (making it disappear) Voila.
Larry Fowler: Amazing. Where did it go?
Howard: Look in your pocket.
Larry Fowler: (taking it out) Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh, how did you do that?
Howard: Sorry, a magician never shares his secrets.
Larry Fowler: I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Howard: Sold!
Larry Fowler: Okay. Hey. Where's my wallet?
Howard: (making it appear) Voila.

Raj: Hey, Pennny. I need your help. I am freaking out.
Penny: Okay, is she there yet?
Raj: No, I got here first. You know... get the lay of the land.
Penny: Raj, it's gonna be okay. Look, sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. My first time with Leonard was nothing to write home about.
Raj: Really?
Penny: Yeah, but, you know, over time it got better.
Raj: S-So practice makes perfect?
Penny: Well, practice makes better.

Amy: You're up early.
Sheldon: Huh? Yes. I wanted to get a jump on planning a day of fun for you.
Amy: Oh, that's sweet. What are we doing?
Sheldon: Oh, no, just you. I have other plans. Now, would you prefer to see "The Grinch" in 2-D or 3-D?
Amy: I don't wanna see it at all.
Sheldon: Well, let's go 2-D. No sense in spending extra money.
Amy: What are you gonna be doing?
Sheldon: Being a great husband.
Amy: Yeah, you're gonna need to show your work on that.

Anu: Raj, what is going on?
Raj: (taking off his coat) No, no, it's not what's going on, it's what's coming off.
Anu: Stop it. You're acting weird, and it's freaking me out.
Raj: Why? Because I couldn't talk and ran in the bathroom to slug back a bottle of champagne when I pretended to pee?
Anu: Okay, I think I'm gonna leave.
Raj: No, no. Wait, wait. Don't... okay, don't go.
Anu: Fine. Then tell me what's going on.
Raj: Well, funny story...
Anu: The truth.
Raj: Oh, god, the truth is so not good for me.

Howard: Guys, guys, there's a simple solution.
Raj: I am not breaking up with her.
Howard: All right. Let's keep thinking.
Raj: (a few minutes later) Hey, everybody, it's Anu.
Anu: Hi.
Howard, Leonard, Penny, Bernadette, Amy: (all crammed onto one cushion) Hi!
Sheldon: (in his spot) Welcome!

Larry Fowler: (Howard shows him the "linked rings" trick) It's like you're actually magic.
Bernadette: You can do that, but you still can't get my bra off?
Howard: The rings don't roll their eyes at me.

Mrs. Fowler: Why would Amy feel the need to lie to me?
Sheldon: Well, maybe perhaps because you're her mother and she didn't want to disappoint you.
Mrs. Fowler: Really? Even afer she threw you under the bus, you're still gonna defend her.
Sheldon: Well, yes. She's my wife and I love her. And if I can forgive her for putting ketchup on her eggs, I can forgive her for this.
Mrs. Fowler: Her father does that. It's disgusting.
Sheldon: Amy's crazy. You are a delight.

Amy: Hi, daddy.
Larry Fowler: Hey, pumpkin.
Sheldon: Pumpkin! I've been calling her Spaghetti Squash. It's amazing that one woman can be different vegetables to different men.

Howard: What's up?
Sheldon: I need you to stop being so delightful.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: I'm supposed to be bonding with him. You have your own father-in-law. Leave mine alone.
Howard: Tell you what, you take my father-in-law, I'll take yours.
Sheldon: I don't want your father-in-law.
Howard: (doing the "coin behind the ear" trick) Well, what if I throw in a quarter?
Larry Fowler: (giddy like a little kid) Do it again! Do it again!

Raj: For most of my life, I got so nervous around women that I couldn't talk to them without alcohol.
Anu: So you've been drunk every time we've seen each other?
Raj: No. No, it hasn't happened in a long time. And I really thought I was over it, but I guess... I don't know, I guess I-I wanted so much for tonight to go well, that I stressed myself out. It came back.
Anu: Why didn't you tell me about this before?
Raj: I was embarrassed.

Anu: Hi.
(suddenly unable to talk, Raj waves)
Anu: (awkwardly waving back) Everything okay?
(he heads towards the bathroom)
Anu: Why are you acting so weird?
(he takes a bottle of champagne and closes the door)
Anu: Raj? What's going on?
Raj: Be right out! You look beautiful!

Anu: If it makes you feel any better, I've got things I'm embarrassed about, too.
Raj: Really? Will you tell me one?
Anu: Okay. Um... Ugh. I hate telling people this. I don't like music.
Raj: What kind of music?
Anu: Just... all of it. It sort of seems like a waste of time.
Raj: Even Beyonc??
Anu: See, this is why I don't tell people.
Raj: No. Um, it's fine. It's just, have you heard "Single Ladies"?
Anu: Yeah, and I don't get it. I mean, the lyrics are "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."
Raj: Y-You have to sing it in the voice of a goddess. Like, uh...
Anu: (he hums the melody) My point is, we both have our little eccentricities.
Raj: Little eccentricities? One is a deep-seated psychological disturbance, and the other can be solved with half a glass of chardonnay.

Mrs. Fowler: Amy said she couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner because you always have to spend it with your mother.
Sheldon: I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my mother in years.
(to Amy)
Sheldon: Amy, why would you tell your mother that I spend Thanksgiving with my mother?
Amy: Uh... no time to talk about that now. All your action figures are on fire. Harrison Ford's in the lobby. Come quick.
Mrs. Fowler: And Amy never joins us for Sunday dinners because you refuse to go out on a school night.
Sheldon: Sh... I can go out on a school night as long as I'm in my PJs by 10:00.
Amy: Sheldon, don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She's crazy!
Mrs. Fowler: Hello, Amy.
Amy: (weakly) Hello, mother. Good news. We-we can come for Thanksgiving this year.

Sheldon: So the doctor prescribed Nizoral and it blocked enzyme action, and the fungus cleared right up.
Mrs. Fowler: That's a very disturbing picture.
Sheldon: Yes, well, they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but I say nothing beats a picture and a thousand words.
Mrs. Fowler: Still, you might wanna take it off Facebook.
Sheldon: Oh, no. It's in my nature to share.

Amy: Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?
Raj: Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.
Sheldon: Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
Penny: Really? My parents love Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah. And my mother loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.

Sheldon: So, how does this work with in-laws? Am I supposed to be calling you Dad? Because I don't want to.
Larry Fowler: You don't have to.
Sheldon: Oh, thanks, Larry. Ooh. That doesn't sound right. Maybe I should pick a vegetable for you.

Raj: Okay, you wanted the truth, here it is.
Anu: You have a drinking problem.
Raj: No. I, uh, I have a talking problem, and a drinking solution.

Sheldon: Can I feed peanuts to the elephants at your wedding?
Raj: That is such a stereotype!
Sheldon: There won't be any elephants?
Raj: Of course there'll be elephants. It's a stereotype that you feed them peanuts.

Howard: Hey, have you checked the dates on these? They're all expired.
Stuart: You buy candy in a comic book store, you get what you get.

Larry Fowler: Would anyone like to see the magic trick Howard taught me?
Amy: I'd love to see your trick, daddy.
Larry Fowler: (standing up) A perfectly ordinary table knife. Watch closely.
(he makes it disappear)
Larry Fowler: Voila.
Amy: Oh, my gosh, that was so good.
(blood begins to seep from his hands)
Amy: Well, look, there's fake blood, too.
Larry Fowler: (hurrying to the bathroom) I'll be right back.
Mrs. Fowler: I don't know about you, but I don't really like magic.
Sheldon: You just keep getting better and better.

Raj: Sorry, I had to use the facilities.
Anu: With a bottle of champagne?
Raj: Mm, I like to celebrate the little things in life. You need to go? There's still some left.

Leonard: So, is this the first time?
Raj: Yeah.
Leonard: How you feeling about it?
Raj: Uh... to be honest, I'm pretty anxious. I mean, this is the woman I'm marrying. What if it's no good? Do we break up? Do we... sign on for a lifetime of mediocre sex?
Leonard: It's... just don't put so much pressure on it. I-It's always a little awkward in the beginning. I remember the first time I slept with Penny.
Raj: It was bad?
Leonard: Oh, dude, it was awesome! I will replay it in my head until the day I die.
Howard: Well, if it helps, I was really nervous my first time with Bernie, but mostly because I was worried my mom would walk in.
Leonard: Did she?
Howard: Yeah.

Mrs. Fowler: I can't believe it. All this time, I've been angry at you when I should have been angry at Amy.
Sheldon: Look at that. We're both angry at Amy. Maybe that's something we could bond over. Let me ask you this: how do you feel about Howard?
Mrs. Fowler: Oh, is he that odd little friend you have with the haircut?
Sheldon: I may have married the wrong Fowler.

Sheldon: Other than Amy, have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Mrs. Fowler: I am not going to answer that.
Sheldon: Smart. Save something for our next get-together.

Notes and Trivia

Amy's dad Larry is in awe of Howard's magic tricks, which he can't do himself. Larry is played by famous magician Teller from the duo Penn and Teller. The knife trick that Amy's dad performs at the end is actually one of Teller's own.

For the first time since The Bon Voyage Reaction (2013), Raj needed alcohol to talk to a woman.

The selfie made by Sheldon appears at the end of the credits as Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card.

Title reference: Raj and Anu want to consummate their relationship, but it doesn't go exactly as planned.

Goofs

None

Cast

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