S12E11 - The Paintball Scattering

No: 266  |  Season: 12   Episode: 11  |  Air Date: 2019-01-03  |  Runtime: mins

Penny: I take Bernadette. Howard: Really? You're picking her over me? Penny: Yeah, 'cause she's vicious and can hide behind a mushroom.

Previous Next

Summary

Penny and Leonard organize a paintball game, which results in mayhem when Sheldon becomes jealous of Amy. Raj catches Anu with her ex-boyfriend. Stuart doesn't want to move in with Denise.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Maria Ferrari & Tara Hernandez & Adam Faberman / Teleplay by: Steve Holland & Eric Kaplan & Anthony Del Broccolo

Script

Script: S12E11 - The Paintball Scattering

Quotes

President Siebert: I just want you to know that you have our full support, and we're organizing a big media push. Articles, interviews.
Amy: Ooh, you want us to do interviews?
President Siebert: Uh, well, we're thinking a divide-and-conquer approach here, where you do the interviews, and Sheldon stays here and holds down the fort. You know, in case there's an emergency.
Sheldon: What kind of emergency would there be in physics?
President Siebert: I don't know. Maybe there's an object in motion that won't stay in motion. Or a reaction that's equal but not opposite.

President Siebert: Well, this is nice. Why have we waited so long to do this?
Sheldon: Because you never invited us.
President Siebert: Ha-ha-ha! Well, the important thing is you're here now, and we're so excited about your work. This paper is going to do big things for all of us, so if there's anything that you need...
Sheldon: You know, actually, I could use some barbecue sauce for my tots. Oh, wait. No. Ketchup.
President Siebert: (to a passing waiter) Can we have some barbecue sauce and ketchup over here?
Sheldon: Both?
(to Amy, impressed)
Sheldon: So this is how the other half lives.

Anu: So I told my mom she just needed to back off. This is our wedding, and if anyone's gonna design the floral arrangements, it's going to be my man.
Raj: Thank you. I mean, I-I'm not trying to be a groomzilla, but... this is my specialty.
Anu: (his phone buzzes) Someone texting you?
Raj: Uh, no. It's just my, uh, doorbell camera.
Anu: Oh. I got one of those for my place, but I never installed it.
Raj: Oh, it's easy. I can do it for you. You're gonna love it. It's how I found out a raccoon was stealing my "cheese of the month" club.
Anu: What did you do?
Raj: Well, nothing. I didn't want to piss it off. It was, like, huge from eating all the cheese.

Leonard: Hey, Penny and I were thinking of getting a big paintball game together.
Howard: Oh, Leonard, why does she want to shoot you?
Leonard: She doesn't want to shoot me.
Raj: Who doesn't want to shoot you?
Leonard: Penny.
Raj: No, that doesn't sound right.
Leonard: She just wants to play paintball. It combines my love of whimsy with her love of making grown men cry.
Howard: Sounds fun. Bernadette and I are in.
Raj: You don't need to ask her?
Howard: No. I've been pretty annoying lately. She's gonna want to shoot me.

Amy: Okay, I need you to be honest with me. How do I look?
Sheldon: Well, a little shorter, but as we age, that happens to all of us.
Amy: Come on, help me out here. I've got a bunch of interviews today.
Sheldon: Well, no one'll notice. They never met you before.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm nervous, and I wish you were coming with me.
Sheldon: If it helps, I wrote up some possible questions and answers for you.
Amy: (taking an index card) "Whom do you love more, Sheldon the scientist or Sheldon the man? Answer: Sheldon the scientist, but by such a slim margin that it's statistically insignificant." Well, you really managed to capture my voice.
Sheldon: Well, don't worry. I'm sure you're gonna do great.
Amy: Thank you. Okay, bye.
Sheldon: (she stands to leave) Wait, wait, wait. You forgot the cards.
Amy: Love you, too.

Penny: Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.
Sheldon: You know what I call this drink?
Penny: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...
Amy: He is also sweet and bubbly.

Stuart: Would you mind stocking these?
Denise: Oh, actually, I'm not on the clock today. I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend.
Stuart: Ah, cool. Huh. That's me, right?
Denise: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I broke up with you and now I'm dating...
(pointing to a random customer)
Denise: That guy.
Stuart: I know you're joking, but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.
Denise: Isn't it fight-or-flight?
Stuart: Not for me.

Amy: Do you ever feel guilty that we get to eat in the fancy dining room while our friends have to eat in the regular one?
Sheldon: Yes. Wait, did you say "guilty" or "happy"?
Amy: Guilty.
Sheldon: Oh, then, no. In fact, take a picture of me with the garlic knots to send them.

Amy: (reading feedback to their paper) Okay, here's one from Dr. Saltzberg at UCLA.
Sheldon: Wait, no, stop. I don't want to know. What if he's mean?
Leonard: Well, what if he's complimentary?
Sheldon: I want to know.
Amy: Okay. He says...
Sheldon: I don't want to know.
Leonard: (taking the phone) All right, just... let me see it.
(reading the message)
Leonard: Okay, this is... this is really positive. Wow, it's, like, *really* positive. He says i-it might be the discovery of the decade.
Amy: (he hands the phone back) He's right. They love it!
Sheldon: This is so exciting. Oh, this may be the Dr. Cooper talking, but pour me another Dr. Cooper.

Howard: Everything okay?
Raj: Yeah, it's just Anu's doorbell camera. I helped her install it.
Bernadette: You can't look at it. That's spying.
Raj: Who the hell is this guy?
Bernadette: Ooh, let me see.
(she, Howard, and Stuart all gather around him)
Howard: He's got... bags. He's probably just delivering food.
Raj: Why is she hugging him?
Bernadette: Maybe she doesn't have tip money?
Raj: W-Wait, why is she inviting him into the house?
Howard: She's a good tipper?

Stuart: I didn't know your roommate was moving out.
Denise: Yeah. I've been looking for a new one, but... so far no luck.
Penny: (pointedly) You hear that? She needs a rommmate.
Denise: What do you think, Stuart?
Stuart: (mumbling) Uh, i-i-it, uh... flight.
(leaving as fast as he can)
Stuart: Flight.
Penny: (to Leonard) That was hard to watch.

Leonard: So, have you guys gotten any feedback yet?
Amy: Well, there are some comments online, but we haven't read them. We decided we don't care what people say about our work.
Penny: Good for you. People online can be so mean. I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, and some jerk said I looked so skinny I might disappear.
Leonard: And yet somehow, she soldiers on.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did give the world a gift. It would be nice to read some of the thank-you notes.
Leonard: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.
Amy: Okay. I'll read them.
Leonard: If any of them accuse you of being too pretty, Penny can help you through it.

President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Ah, President Siebert.
President Siebert: What are you doing in the regular cafeteria? You're a superstar.
(to the others)
President Siebert: No offense, worker bees.
(to Sheldon again)
President Siebert: You should join me in my private dining room. Dr. Fowler is already there.
Sheldon: Can I bring my friends?
President Siebert: No.
Sheldon: Can I bring my tater tots?
President Siebert: Yes.
Sheldon: All right, let's go.

Leonard: A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: Yay.
(they clink their glasses and sip their drinks)
Sheldon: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

Amy: It sounds like you don't want Sheldon to do the interviews.
President Siebert: It's not that we don't want Sheldon to do the interviews, it's just that we really want you to do the interviews. Without Sheldon.
Sheldon: (a server brings his condiments) Now, wait, wait, are you trying to exclude me?
President Siebert: Look, Sheldon, you're a brilliant man, but your people skills are...
Sheldon: This is not barbecue sauce! This is steak sauce! What are you trying to pull?
President Siebert: Like that.
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. It is my work, too, and I am perfectly capable of keeping it together for an interview.
President Siebert: Okay. Say somebody asks if you feel your work is derivative of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski.
Amy: (Sheldon's face starts twitching) Seriously, can we get this man some barbecue sauce?

President Siebert: Welcome to the inner sanctum.
Sheldon: Oh, I do love a good sanctum.
Amy: Sheldon, look at my fruit plate. It's got kiwi on it.
Sheldon: Ugh. I don't like kiwi.
Amy: Neither do I, but it's so fancy.

Leonard: Hey, we're doing a big paintball game on Saturday if you two want to join.
Denise: Oh, my roommate asked me to help her move out on Saturday.
Penny: Ugh. That sucks.
Denise: Sucks for her. I'm playing paintball.

Bernadette: Really? She asked you to move in with her?
Stuart: Yeah, she was hinting around about it, but I think I handled it pretty well.
Raj: Pretty well? You ran out of there so fast, if it was a cartoon, there would have been a Stuart-shaped hole in the wall.
Bernadette: Was she mad?
Stuart: Uh, no. I talked to her afterward. She said she's fine.
Howard: (all answering simultaneously) Oh, no.
Raj: Yikes!
Bernadette: You'll find someone new.

President Siebert: There's my MVP; Most Valuable Physicist.
Sheldon: Thank you.
President Siebert: And my star of NPR "Science Friday" and a potpourri of popular podcasts.
Amy: I don't know if I'd use the word "star".
President Siebert: I would. I got an early look at the interview you did for "Wired", and it is glowing. They loved you.
Amy: That's great. Thanks for telling me.
Sheldon: Congratulations, Amy. I'm so proud of you.
President Siebert: And that headline: "The Neurobiologist Who Revolutionized Physics".
Sheldon: I'm sorry, the who did what to... huh?

Notes and Trivia

Title reference: Tempers rise and people split apart during a heated paintball game.

Goofs

None

Cast

Privacy Policy | Affiliate Link Disclosure | Contact Us