S12E16 - The D&D Vortex

No: 271  |  Season: 12   Episode: 16  |  Air Date: 2019-02-21  |  Runtime: mins

Kevin Smith: Why do you always got to attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it? Joe Manganiello: Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.

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Summary

The gang finds out Wil Wheaton hosts a celebrity Dungeons and Dragons game involving William Shatner, Joe Manganiello, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Kevin Smith. Deception and betrayal are the path to make it to the one open seat.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Steve Holland & Maria Ferrari & Anthony Del Broccolo / Teleplay by: Eric Kaplan & Andy Gordon & Tara Hernandez

Script

Script: S12E16 - The D&D Vortex

Quotes

Leonard: If you really want to know, I'll tell you where I was. I was at Wil's D&D game, but that's all I can say.
Penny: Oh, fun. Were there famous people there?
Leonard: Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't tell you that. Okay, well, yes, but I-I-I-I can't tell you who. Well, no, I-I can tell you Shatner, but that's only because you already knew that one.
Penny: Well, I'm glad you had fun.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Amy: Oh, I, uh, think Sheldon might have left something.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you mean besides his lunch?
Bernadette: (exaggerated laughter) You are so funny, Wil.
Penny: Oh, we were just talking about how funny you are.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, Leonard told you, didn't he?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: Yup.
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: Mm-hmm.
Wil Wheaton: It's Manganiello?
Amy: Uh-huh.
Bernadette, Penny: Mm-hmm.
Wil Wheaton: Feel good about yourselves?
Penny: Nope.
Bernadette: No.
Amy: Yeah.
(seeing the others' looks)
Amy: Oh, we're going with no? No.

Leonard: I wish I could tell you who else was there. I can't, I promised.
Penny: Yeah, if it makes you feel better, I couldn't care less.
Leonard: That's true, you don't care, so there's no harm in telling you.
Penny: Okay, you really don't have to.
Leonard: All right, I'll tell you.

Wil Wheaton: All right, Professor Proton fans, get ready to meet Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, a pair of real-life scientists who may win the Nobel Prize. That's like the Kids' Choice Award, but with more science and less slime.
Amy: Hi. Thanks for having us.
Sheldon: Kids' Choice Award? Why would they let kids choose anything? They're basically human larvae.

Wil Wheaton: Hello?
Howard: (imitating Shatner) Wil, Bill Shatner here.
Wil Wheaton: Is this Howard?
Howard: Of course not. It-it's Shatner. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, Christopher Walken.
(imitating Walken)
Howard: Hello. Bill and I are just hanging out at the Polo Lounge.
Raj: (clinking two glasses) Mr. Shatner, Mr. Walken, here are your martinis.
Howard: (normally, whispering) What are you doing?
Raj: I'm filling out the world.
Howard: You're ruining it.
Wil Wheaton: No, he's not.
Raj: Thanks, Wil!

Wil Wheaton: You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles. What do you do?
William Shatner: Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh. Here's the plan...
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hold on there, Bill.
William Shatner: Now what, Kareem?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: How do we know it's not a neo-otyugh?
William Shatner: Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear. Does that answer your question?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: No.
Joe Manganiello: Look, there's only one way to settle this. We chop it up and look at the pieces.
Kevin Smith: Oh, come on. Why do you always gotta attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it?
Joe Manganiello: Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: What do you think, Leonard?
Leonard: I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.
William Shatner: It's all right, buddy. One day, you'll meet a girl.

Amy: Imagine you're looking in a mirror. The image you see looks just like you. That's called symmetrical.
Sheldon: Now imagine you have a billion mirrors, and each of them reflects one thing about you correctly and a billion things about you incorrectly. And imagine the set of incorrect things are floating in an abstract N-dimensional hyperspace. Now imagine there was never a mirror to begin with.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, was that a doorbell?
Amy: I didn't hear anything.
Wil Wheaton: (pressing a button to make a doorbell sound) Huh, there it is again. Sheldon, why don't you answer it?
Sheldon: But I don't know who it is.
Wil Wheaton: Maybe it's a special guest who I invited just to surprise you. Why don't you open it up and find out.
Sheldon: This is a terrible message to send to children.
(directly addressing the camera)
Sheldon: Children, you never open the door if you don't know who's on the other side. You always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and try to imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths.
Amy: I'll get it.
Sheldon: But it can't be Silver Shadow. That's mine.

Stuart: I don't want to play anymore. It's too much pressure.
Wil Wheaton: Why? What happened?
Stuart: I've-I've said too much.
Wil Wheaton: You haven't said anything.
Stuart: Not to you. To them.
Wil Wheaton: Who's "them"?
Stuart: AHH! Now I have said too much!

Wil Wheaton: (Outside his front door, Wil points to Howard) No.
(points to Raj)
Wil Wheaton: No.
(points to Leonard)
Wil Wheaton: No.
(points to Sheldon)
Wil Wheaton: Hell no.

Sheldon: I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.
Howard: (imitating Shatner) Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?
Sheldon: Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.
Raj: Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
Sheldon: Wil will give me another chance. He thinks the world of me.
Leonard: Aw. One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.
Sheldon: (not getting the sarcasm) Thank you.

Sheldon: (knocking on Wil's door) Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
(peeking inside, then ringing the doorbell)
Sheldon: Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
Wil Wheaton: Now's not a good time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: For what?
Wil Wheaton: You.
Sheldon: I need to apologize.
Wil Wheaton: Apology accepted.
Joe Manganiello: (off screen) Wil, come on! I cast Fireball, and you need to roll your Dexterity Save.
Wil Wheaton: I'll be right there.
Sheldon: Are you playing Dungeons & Dragons?
Wil Wheaton: No.
Kevin Smith: Would you hurry up, man? The map says this dungeon's full of dragons.
Wil Wheaton: (seeing Sheldon's look) Still no.
Sheldon: Who are you playing with?
Wil Wheaton: Uh... it's just some friends. You don't know them.
William Shatner: Wheaton, get back here. Hobgoblins are at the gate, and you're at the door buying Girl Scout cookies.
Sheldon: Is that William Shat...
Wil Wheaton: (shutting the door) Nope.

Leonard: Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
Penny: Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
Leonard: I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?
Penny: How do you *not* know him?
Leonard: Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.
Penny: Wow. That is so cool.
Leonard: Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on "True Blood", he was there.
Penny: What? Joe Manganiello?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Penny: From "Magic Mike"?
Leonard: What's that?
Penny: (searching on her phone) Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?
Leonard: He had his clothes on, but yeah.

Wil Wheaton: Okay, Where were we?
William Shatner: I was about to go all "Wrath of Khan" on these ogres.

Penny: Hey, you know what was fun? That time we played "Dungeons & Dragons".
Amy: That was fun. We should play that more.
Bernadette: (still looking at Joe's picture) Sorry, what, now?

Raj: I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
Leonard: It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
Raj: Well, that's her fault, not mine!

Leonard: (seeing Sheldon playing "Red Dead") Sheldon, why are you walking everywhere? Just get a horse.
Sheldon: I had a horse. It got hit by a train.
Leonard: Get another one.
Sheldon: I can't just replace Chauncey. I'm still in the grieving process.

William Shatner: Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
Howard: (sounds of Sheldon vomiting) Oh, poor Shatner.
Raj: Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.
Leonard: Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should...
Howard: Make fun of him?
Leonard: A lot.
Raj: Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: Okay, just so we're all on the same page.

Raj: Hey, do you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?
Penny: Nope.
Leonard, Howard: No.
Bernadette: Certainly not.
Raj: You don't even know what it's about.
Bernadette: Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
Raj: That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
Howard: I'd read that.

Raj: (calling Wil) But y-you blocked your number, right?
Howard: Relax, this is not my first creepy phone call. It's like riding a bike... slowly past a girl's house.

Penny: Hey, how was your lecture?
Leonard: Oh, it was so good. I-I-I mean, it-it started great, and then the, the middle was great, and then ending was, like...
(pantomiming an explosion)
Leonard: So great.
Penny: Leonard, if you went to House of Pies again, just say it.
Leonard: W-w-wait, if you think I'm lying, why do you think I'm eating pies? Why don't you think I'm... having an affair?
Penny: Listen, i-it's fine, just next time, bring me a slice.

Stuart: Hey, guys.
Howard: You're home late.
Stuart: Uh, yeah. I had a crazy night. I went to the pharmacy. I like to be there when the new decongestants drop.
Raj: Cut the crap. We know where you were. We know what you were doing.
Stuart: Yeah, I just told you. I was at CVS breathing my ass off.

Penny: I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello. Is he nice?
Leonard: Oh, he's so nice. I-I-I rolled my dice underneath the couch, and he just lifted it up, one hand.
Penny: (daydreamily) Oh, I-I bet he did.

Penny: Yeah, let's teach that ogre what my broad sword tastes like.
William Shatner: I like your moxie.
Penny: Aw, and I like your grandpa words.

William Shatner: Hello.
Sheldon: Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.
William Shatner: You can call me Bill.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I call you Captain?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: Please?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: (whispering) Please?
William Shatner: Sure.
Sheldon: And w-will you call me Science Officer Cooper?
William Shatner: This has got to stop.
Sheldon: I think you know how to make it stop.
William Shatner: (offering a handshake) Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.

Leonard: We know you were at Wil's D&D game. We saw you on Instagram. We just want to know how you got invited.
Stuart: I can't talk about it, or they won't invite me back next week.
Leonard: So there's another game next week.
Stuart: I didn't mean to say that.
Howard: Who's in it?
Stuart: Oh, I can't tell you!
Raj: How do we get invited?
Stuart: I don't know!
Sheldon: How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?
Stuart: 12D8 + 24. AHH! I mean, I don't know!

Sheldon: Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
Leonard: How do you know?
Raj: Who was there?
Amy: Why are you damp?
Sheldon: I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
Howard: Oh, that means they must be really famous.
Sheldon: I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.
Raj: I wonder who else is playing.
Leonard: I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: (hurrying over to a white board) Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole "Next Gen" cast.
Penny: So this is the rest of our night, huh?
Amy: Oh, no. This is the rest of our lives.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.
Leonard: (flattered) Well, yes, thank you.
Wil Wheaton: Okay, great. Now, here's the thing. You can't tell anyone. I'm serious. Not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.
Leonard: Okay.
Wil Wheaton: I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends...
Leonard: (hanging up) See you there!

Wil Wheaton: So, you two have discovered something that a lot of people are really excited about.
Amy: We have.
Wil Wheaton: Now, before you explain it, keep in mind that our average viewer is this many.
(he holds up nine fingers like a small child would)

Stuart: I don't know what you're talking about.
Raj: Then why are you trembling?
Stuart: I'm always trembling.

Howard: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
Sheldon: Very funny. Get it all out.
Leonard: Like you did on William Shatner?
Sheldon: Raj, do you have something to add?
Raj: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.

Leonard: And Josh Brolin gets you to every Avenger.
Howard: (on his phone) Kevin Smith's in this article about celebrities who play D&D.
Leonard: Oh, a-and he was on Wil's podcast, so they know each other.
Raj: G-Go on his Instagram, see if you can find anything.
Howard: Yeah, he-he posted something an hour ago: "#GameNight".
Sheldon: That looks like Wil's house.
Howard: William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
Leonard: Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
Howard: (looking closer) Is that a ghost?
Raj: I think it's Stuart.
Sheldon: That is Stuart. What-what's he doing there?
Raj: Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.
Leonard: Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?
Bernadette: (watching with Amy and Penny) I know the answer.
Penny: Yeah. We all know the answer.

Penny: Okay, can you guys keep a secret?
Amy: Yeah.
Bernadette: Sure.
Penny: Good, 'cause I can't. Leonard played "Dungeons & Dragons" with the hot guy from "Magic Mike".
Bernadette: I never got to see that movie.
Amy: Seriously?
Bernadette: Yeah, Howie made us leave as soon as he realized it wasn't about magic.
Amy: Well, I have seen that movie one or seven times, and trust me, it is magic. Which guy?
Penny: (showing them on her phone) That one.
Bernadette: (taking the phone) Abracadabra.

Notes and Trivia

At Wil Wheaton's house, there's a poster of the movie Stand by Me (1986), in which he starred.

In an interview with People magazine, Joe Manganiello said that during the Covid-19 quarantine he actually did play D and D. He also revealed on his Instagram page that the dice he uses in the D&D game belonged to the creator of the game E. Gary Gygax. The dice were given to Manganiello by Gygax's son.

Title reference: A secret celebrity Dungeons & Dragons games causes a whirlwind of actions by the gang to get in.

Goofs

None

Cast

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