S05E06 - The Rhinitis Revelation

No: 93  |  Season: 5   Episode: 6  |  Air Date: 2011-10-20  |  Runtime: mins

Penny: That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost. Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.

Previous Next

Summary

Sheldon gets upset when his mother comes to visit but refuses to cook for him and attend physics lectures.

Director and Writers

Director: Howard Murray
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Eric Kaplan & Steve Holland / Teleplay by: Bill Prady & Steven Molaro & Jim Reynolds

Script

Script: S05E06 - The Rhinitis Revelation

Quotes

Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?

Sheldon: You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!
(Raj whispers to Howard)
Howard: He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.

Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.

Raj: (Raj is sitting on the floor, drunk, with a 6 pack, half drunk) Hey, look who decided to show up.
Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought 6 new friends. 3, sadly, are dead.

Mary Cooper: Back home, there's a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, taaaaall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she'd never find a man, but one day, wouldn't you know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed race babies.

Penny: That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?
Sheldon: I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.
Leonard: Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.
Sheldon: Get them before they get us.

Mary Cooper: Lord, Mary Cooper here coming to you from "Gomorrah", California. I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my Bible. Alright, Penny, your turn.
Penny: Okay, um, hey God, what's up? Um, I'm good, but it would be a big help to my family if you could get my brother to stop cooking meth. But no cops. Be cool.
Mary Cooper: She also goes a little overboard on the 'Love thy Neighbor'. You could probably use that chat you had with Mary Magdalene. Leonard, you're up. Wasserman, you're on deck.
Leonard: Okay, I don't know, it's probably a little late to ask you to make me taller.

Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.
Mary Cooper: Apology accepted.
Sheldon: Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts.
Mary Cooper: I am still going out with your friends.
Sheldon: But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!

Raj: (Looking at a crucifix in a Catholic church) None of our gods have abs like that.
Howard: Yup... that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.

Mary Cooper: So, Raj, what pain are you trying to cover up with alcohol?
Raj: (smiling) Nothing, I'm fine!
Mary Cooper: Are you?
Raj: (starts crying) No!

Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on a nursery wall with the contents of my diaper.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: (to Sheldon) Please pester her, please, for me.

Sheldon: I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I'm taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I've worked up a couple of Qs that will stump his sorry A.
Mary Cooper: I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sight seein'.
Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?

Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you a list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

Leonard: So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?
Mary Cooper: It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.
Mary Cooper: You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.
Leonard: What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.
Mary Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.
Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
Mary Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!
Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.

Sheldon: All right, Mom. When you're at the Ripley's Believe it Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend a day with the world's most wonderful son, believe it, it's true.

Leonard: Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.
Mary Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon: Told you.
Mary Cooper: Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

Sheldon: Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?
Mary Cooper: No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.
(sings)
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Leonard: (sticks his head in the door) Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...
Sheldon: (snaps) Get out!
(Offended and hurt, Leonard leaves)
Mary Cooper: (Shocked and angry) Well, that was rude.
Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary Cooper: (sings) Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...
Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary Cooper: (looking upwards) This is what I'm talking about.
(sings)
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Mary Cooper: (about Sheldon and Amy) You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard: It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there something there, maybe there isn't. We'll probably never know. But, sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.

Mary Cooper: The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.

Howard: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read.
Howard: Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.

Penny: Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
Mary Cooper: You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup; he'll die at 50, but his love will be true.

Penny: Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?
Mary Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon: (to himself) That will not be in this week's email blast.

Sheldon: (to a man sitting next to him on a bench) Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist, the kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation. You, a common man, tired from your labors as a stockbroker, or a vacuum cleaner salesman, or a bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we're just two peas in a pod. A regular pea. The kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation.
(It starts to rain)
Sheldon: Rain, another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike.
(Man takes out umbrella and opens it)
Sheldon: Smartypants.

Mary Cooper: You can't force things. Figure out if you're in a relationship or if you're just calling it one. Like they say: "A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits."

Sheldon: You are in for a treat; my mother's fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra-large coffin.
Leonard: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn't want to cook.
Sheldon: Wha-uh? Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying "I love you". Making me food when she's too tired to cook is her way of saying "I really love you".

Mary Cooper: You think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you're letting 'em ride the roller coaster without buying the ticket?
Penny: Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to "spin the teacups".

Sheldon: I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.
Mary Cooper: And whose fault was that?
Sheldon: Yours.

Mary Cooper: (On going to Rodeo drive) Well, I can't spend 12 thousand dollars on a handbag, but it's free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.

Amy: (after Sheldon coughs) You getting sick?
Sheldon: No. I'm just allergic to people that get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.
Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or to use the clinical term: bitchiness, is because your mother isn't making you a priority?
Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term: Nuh-uh.

Mary Cooper: (On visiting the wax museum) I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.

Mary Cooper: (At a church) Oh, this one's sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard: Mrs. Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mary Cooper: My goodness, it's a wonder you people in California can talk at all.

Sheldon: You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.

Leonard: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?
Mary Cooper: It was good. Only thing would've made it better if it was cooked... And if it was beef.

Mary Cooper: I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.
Sheldon: There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...

Sheldon: I'm not going to get my pecan pie, am I?
Leonard: Want some Oreos?
Sheldon: Double stuff?
Leonard: No, it's regular.
Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

Notes and Trivia

Mary confirms that Sheldon was tested for insanity as a child and the doctor said he was fine. She does regret, however, about not taking him to a follow-up specialist in Houston.

Sheldon's oft-repeated habit of offering a hot beverage to a distressed house guest is apparently something that his mother taught him.

When Sheldon returns to the apartment after getting caught in a downpour, the tissue box Leonard offers him is inside a cover made to resemble the design of a Rubik's Cube. This item is seen as a background prop in many episodes.

Goofs

None

Cast

Privacy Policy | Affiliate Link Disclosure | Contact Us