Big Bang Theory Quotes
All quotes from the hit show "The Big Bang Theory". There are a lot of quotes here! Click each episode title bar for a synopsis and additional information about the epside.
Filters! Maybe you'd like to view quotes just from:
Sheldon: What would you like me to say?
Leonard: How about congratulating us?
Sheldon: Are congratulations even in order? I didn't think Penny wanted children.
Leonard: Well, she didn't, now she does. And just so you know, we weren't gonna tell anybody so we wouldn't upstage your big day.
Sheldon: Oh, please, you couldn't upstage us. We won a Nobel Prize. Any idiot can have a baby.
Howard: (approaching) Hey. What's going on?
Sheldon: Case in point.
Leonard: You are a selfish jerk. To hell with you and your Nobel Prize.
Amy: The challenging climate of Scandinavia has left its mark on the Swedish character. These dour, latter-day Vikings are slow to warm up to strangers, but if you follow a few easy steps, a Swede can be your friend for life.
Sheldon: Number one: in Sweden, punctuality is taken very seriously. In other words, the loosey-goosey attitude in Helsinki will not fly in Stockholm.
Amy: Two: at the beginning and end of all business and social meetings, shake hands with everyone present; men, women, and children.
Sheldon: Yes, you're all encouraged to pair off and practice this once we're in the air and the seat belt sign is off.
(Penny raises her hand)
Sheldon: Yes, Penny.
Penny: Oh. Do we have to go?
Penny: Thank you guys so much for the clothes and the shoes, the plane tickets. You've been so generous.
Amy: Well, it's important that all of our friends get to share this moment with us.
Sheldon: And then for years to come, you can tell others you had a front-row seat to history. Althought, technically, I think your seats are in the second row.
Amy: Why didn't you tell me?
Penny: I didn't tell anybody.
Amy: I'm not anybody. I'm your best friend.
Bernadette: (approaching) What's going on?
Amy: She's pregnant.
Bernadette: That's fantastic!
(hitting Penny)
Bernadette: Why didn't you tell me?
Amy: She didn't tell me, either.
Bernadette: But I'm her best friend.
Amy: (sardonic laugh) We'll get into that later.
Howard: I was just looking at the map. Couldn't help thinking: we're here, and they're there, and if anything happened, we'd have to go here to get all the way back there.
Bernadette: Why are you trying to freak me out?
Howard: This is our vacation. I thought we should do things together.
Bernadette: Howard, the kids are okay.
Howard: How do you know that?
Bernadette: I just know. A mother knows.
Howard: So what, now the Force is with you?
Bernadette: Let's see.
(waving her hand, a la the Jedi mind trick)
Bernadette: This is not the woman you want to annoy.
Amy: Do you want to go back to the apartment and see me try on my dress?
Sheldon: Shouldn't I see it for the first time at the Nobel ceremony?
Amy: It's not a wedding.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, give me a minute to think of another reason I don't want to see it.
Amy: How about this: you can practice your acceptance speech while I try on the dress.
Sheldon: Ah, great. You can help me whittle it down to 90 minutes.
Leonard: Was Amy suspicious when they had to let your dress out?
Penny: No. She was so happy, she didn't even question it.
Leonard: Someone's gonna figure it out. Why don't we just tell people?
Penny: No, it's too early. I haven't even wrapped my head around it.
Leonard: I have. My head is wrapped.
Penny: Yeah, well... if something else had been wrapped, we wouldn't be in this situation.
Bernadette: Hi, Stuart, just checking in. Seeing if everything's okay.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, we're having fun. Me, Halley, and Denise played hide and seek all day.
Howard: Oh, that's nice.
Stuart: Yeah. I found Denise right away.
Bernadette: Where was Halley hiding?
Stuart: Uh, the important thing is she's not there now.
Howard: How you doing?
Bernadette: Fine. Why?
Howard: Well, this is the furthest we've ever been away from the kids. I was just checking to see if you're okay.
Bernadette: I'm on my second "Jack Reacher". I'm doing great.
Amy: I would just like to take this moment to say to all the young girls out there who dream about science as a profession: go for it. It is the greatest job in the world. And if anybody tells you can't, don't listen.
(glancing at Sheldon)
Amy: And now, speaking of not listening, my husband, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: Oh, good, you're here. Listen, we're thinking maybe we should go back to L.A.
Amy: Why?
Howard: We just can't be this far away from the kids. Bernie's having a meltdown, and frankly, so am I.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, pull it together. This is a big day for me.
Howard: (scoffing) Yeah, I wasn't sure what to do. Now I am. We're going home.
Leonard: We'll join you.
Penny: Oh, wait. Do I get a vote in this?
Leonard: They'll have pickled herring on the plane.
Penny: Bye-bye.
Penny: Come on, you didn't really expect him to react like a normal human being.
Leonard: No, but still, a-after all these years, after all the crap I've put up with, you'd think just this once he'd care about someone else's feelings.
Penny: Oh, my god!
Leonard: What?
Penny: Pickled herring. Who knew how good it was?
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Sounds gross. Looks gross. Smells gross.
(taking a bite)
Penny: It's delicious!
Penny: (throwing up) Okay, that's it for the fish. We'll be back with the meatballs after a short word from our sponsor.
Howard: What happened, Stuart?
Stuart: He was running a little fever, nothing to worry about. And Halley, bless her heart, wanted to bring him his boo-boo bear, so she climbed over the safety rail and... took a little tumble down the stairs.
Bernadette: She fell down the stairs?
Stuart: (stammering) She rolled down the stairs, laughing the whole time. Anyway, when she got to the bottom, there was a tooth missing.
Bernadette: Oh, Stuart!
Stuart: She's fine! She thought it was funny.
Howard: Did you at least save it for the Tooth Fairy?
Stuart: No, we couldn't find it. We have a theory about where it is, but it'll take six to eight hours to confirm. Speaking of which, where do you keep the spaghetti strainer?
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Just to be clear, this isn't a date.
Raj: Yeah, I know.
Sarah Michelle Gellar: Then why are you holding my hand?
Leonard: What kind of DNA is this, anyway?
Sheldon: I was trying to design the genetic code of an advanced race of human being. One of my rare failures, actually.
Leonard: What went wrong?
Sheldon: The balls kept sticking to my pants.
Leonard: Let's just let it dry.
Amy: (entering with Penny) Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hey, babe.
Leonard, Sheldon: Oh, don't slam the...!
(they shut the door, but the model remains intact)
Sheldon: That was exhilarating.
Leonard: (on the phone with Howard) Oh, us, too.
Penny: Wait, what?
Leonard: They're gonna stay. The kids are fine. Bernie's parents took over.
(listening)
Leonard: Really? Oh, poor little guy.
Penny: Is Michael okay?
Leonard: Yeah, it's Stuart. Bernie's dad gave him a hug, cracked a rib.
Amy: What happened to "I'm never gonna have kids"?
Penny: Well, it was accident. I went out drinking with Sheldon.
Amy: (gasp) Oh, my gosh. We're sister wives?
Penny: No! Then I went home and slept with Leonard.
Amy: While fantasizing about...
Penny: Leonard. And a little Idris Elba.
Sheldon: We need to do something about your wife.
Leonard: What's the matter?
Sheldon: She is clearly sick, and she's gonna take us all down with her.
Leonard: She's not sick, Sheldon.
Sheldon: She is, and I'm gonna catch it, and it's gonna ruin the greatest day of my life.
Leonard: I promise you're not gonna get what she has.
Bernadette: Now, Michael, mommy and daddy are going away for a couple days, so if you're gonna say your first words, you gotta do it now or wait 'till we get back.
Howard: (leading Halley out of the bathroom) Somebody just peed in the big girl potty.
Bernadette: Oh, I'm so proud! It was her, right?
Penny: Leonard, I can't go home. I have to be there for Amy.
Leonard: Yeah. I was thinking that, too. As angry as I am at Sheldon, I still want to see him win that medal.
Penny: You know, it's so strange. No matter how thoughtless and selfish he is, I still love him.
Leonard: If you think about it, he has kind of been our practice kid.
Penny: Like when you make pancakes and the first one comes out a little wonky.
Leonard: The university prefers "quirky".
Leonard: You pick up your dresses?
Amy: Yep. The tailor had to take mine in and let Penny's out. Best day of my life.
Sheldon: What about the day you met me?
Amy: I stand by my statement.
Amy: I think you need to do some editing, like maybe cut out all that stuff about your childhood.
Sheldon: Are you kidding? Growing up in the backwoods of East Texas is what makes me warm and relatable.
Amy: Well, what about all these pages calling out everyone who said you wouldn't succeed?
Sheldon: I told them all they would rue the day. How is it gonna make me look when the day finally comes and they're not filled with rue?
Amy: Sheldon, this isn't about ruing. This is about... humbly accepting a great honor.
Sheldon: Amy, we won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Humility is for people who win the goofy Nobels like Literature, Economics, and Peace.
Amy: Please tell me that's not in your speech.
Sheldon: Oh. I-I can cut it, but it's the only joke I have.
Leonard: Are you kidding me? You just found out that a woman who has loved and cared for you for twelve years is pregnant, and all you can say is you're relieved that she's not gonna get you sick?
Sheldon: There's no need for a recap. I was there.
Sheldon: (seeing Penny enter the airplane bathroom) That's the fourth time she's been to the bathroom in the last two hours.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So... her breakfast was binding. I made sure of that.
Amy: So?
Sheldon: So she clearly has some sort of stomach distress. If it's viral, we're all susceptible.
Amy: She's probably just airsick.
Sheldon: Yeah, but what if she's not? What if we get what she has? What if we infect the King of Sweden? That's how wars start.
(Penny exits the bathroom, then immediately turns back around)
Sheldon: All right, that's it. This is "Outbreak" and she's the monkey.
Sheldon: All right, bagels down. Before we head to the airport, I'd like to go over a few things.
(the others all groan)
Sheldon: From the moment we step off the plane, each and every one of you is an ambassador for Amy and myself.
Howard: (quietly to Bernie) Told you these tickets weren't free.
Sheldon: As such, your behavior must reflect the highest standards. Uh, Raj, bagel down.
Raj: If my blood sugar drops and I get bitchy, it's on you.
Sheldon: As a reminder, Penny, there's free alcohol in business class; don't abuse it.
Penny: Relax. I'm not gonna drink.
Bernadette: Why? You pregnant?
Penny: (scoffing and laughing it off) Wha...? No. No. I just, you know, I don't... I don't like to drink when I fly.
Bernadette: Please. I've seen you drink in the shower.
Howard: You guys have showered together?
Bernadette: Sometimes, you're just... ick.
Howard: That wasn't a "no".
Sheldon: All right, well, we should head out now if we're gonna get to the airport six hours before boarding.
(everyone moves to leave)
Sheldon: Excuse me? Hello? What did we just learn about the end of business meetings?
Penny: Oh, my god.
(they all groan and shake hands)
Raj: I found her boarding pass in her purse. It's totally her.
Amy: Sheldon has something he'd like to say.
Sheldon: I'm sorry I didn't react appropriately. You and Penny are bringing new life into the world. Congratulations. I can't wait to meet it.
Leonard: It?
Sheldon: That's a gender-neutral pronoun. If you're offended, take it up with the English language.
Sheldon: Well, I hate to say it, but I think everyone is being incredibly selfish.
Amy: Well, you would be the authority on the subject.
Sheldon: What does that mean?
Amy: Sheldon, no one is happier than I am to win the Nobel. But it's not more important than our friends.
Sheldon: How can you call them friends when they're abandoning us?
Amy: They're abandoning us because you broke their hearts.
Sheldon: I didn't mean to.
Amy: I know! You never mean to. It's the only reason people tolerate you!
Sheldon: Does that include you?
Amy: Sometimes, yeah.
Penny: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: (covering his mouth) Unclean! Unclean!
Penny: What?
Leonard: He thinks you're sick.
Penny: Oh. Should we tell him?
Leonard: Well, if we don't, he might try and jump out of the plane.
Penny: Yeah. Doesn't answer my question.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Penny: I'm pregnant, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're right, I can't catch that.
(returning to his seat)
Sheldon: Good news, Amy. She's just pregnant.
Sheldon: I have a very long and somewhat self-centered speech here. But I'd like to set it aside.
Penny: Yeah!
Howard: Way to go!
Sheldon: Because this honor doesn't just belong to me. I wouldn't be up here if it weren't for some very important people in my life. Beginning with my mother, father, meemaw, brother, and sister. And my other family, who I'm so happy to have here with us. Is that Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
(Sarah waves from her seat next to Raj)
Sheldon: I was under a misapprehension that my accomplishments were mine alone. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have been encouraged, sustained, inspired, and tolerated not only by my wife, but by the greatest group of friends anyone ever had. I'd like to ask them to stand.
(they do so as he acknowledges them)
Sheldon: Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali. Dr. Bernadette Rostenkowski Wolowitz. Astronaut Howard Wolowitz. And my two dearest friends in the world, Penny Hofstadter... and Dr. Leonard Hofstadter. I was there the moment Leonard and Penny met. He said to me that their babies would be smart and beautiful. And now that they're expecting, I have no doubt that that will be the case.
Penny: (crying) Thanks, Sheldon. I-I haven't told my parents yet, but thanks.
Sheldon: Oh. I'm sorry. Don't tell anyone that last thing. That's a secret. Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Penny, Leonard, I apologize if I haven't been the friend you deserve. But I want you to know in my way, I love you all.
(to Amy)
Sheldon: And I love you. Thank you.
Amy: Why are you talking so fast?
Sheldon: I'm trying to get my speech down to 90 minutes.
Amy: Nobody's gonna be able to understand a word you're saying.
Sheldon: Welcome to my life.
Howard: You still feel good about leaving them with Stuart and Denise for a couple days?
Bernadette: I guess. I just hope we don't miss Michael's first words.
Howard: Or Stuart's last words.
Bernadette: You realize it's been years since we've gotten away, just the two of us.
Howard: I know. I can't wait. Fancy hotel room. The big bed.
Bernadette: Yeah. We're gonna sleep our asses off.
Bert: You really think walking her is gonna help me meet girls?
Raj: Cinnamon is chick bait.
Bert: Good. 'Cause I'm not.
Raj: Just remember, you're in charge. Don't let her pull you.
Bert: That seems like an unnecessary thing to say.
Raj: And please, if you have any problems, any questions, call me immediately, okay? She's my baby.
Bert: It shouldn't come up, but just in case, where could I buy a dog that looks exactly like her?
(seeing his look)
Bert: Kidding. If she dies, I'll just tell you.
Sheldon: (repairing his DNA model) Carbon. Hydrogen. Carbon. Carbon. And last but not least, carbon.
Leonard: This might be the glue talking, but that was a very pleasurable 139 1/2 hours.
Bernadette: So everyone's happy and healthy?
Stuart: Well, that depends.
Bernadette: What's that mean?
Stuart: Uh... how many teeth did Halley have when you left?
Howard: All of them.
Stuart: Oh, yeah, that's-that's what I was afraid of.
Bernadette: What happened?
Stuart: Um, well, all right. Um, Michael had a little fever last night.
Bernadette: Michael had a fever?
Stuart: Do you want to hear about Halley or not?
Leonard: If I recall, you're the one who went out drinking with Sheldon, then came home and attacked me.
Penny: What? Attacked you? I think I said "Do you wanna?".
Leonard: Yeah. And I was helpless.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: (they kiss) So... do you wanna?
Penny: Well, I can't get more pregnant.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. We'll see about that.
Raj: You see the woman sitting next to me?
Howard: (looking) What about her?
Raj: (showing him his phone) Is this her?
Howard: Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Raj: Shh! Be cool.
Howard: (looking again) No, that's not her.
Raj: Okay.
(covering Sarah's eyes on the picture)
Raj: How about now?
Sheldon: Aw. It's a congratulations text from my meemaw.
(his phone buzzes)
Sheldon: Ooh. Oh, and there's one from my mom.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: And my sister.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: And my brother.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: And my brother's ex-wife.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: My brother's other ex-wife. Boy, they don't tell you when you win a Nobel, it chews up your phone battery.
Howard: Can I help you?
Reporter #2: Uh, yeah, actually. Um, I had an appointment to interview Dr. Cooper about the Nobel.
Howard: Hang on a second. Sheldon?
(knocking and poking his head in, he sees Sheldon's office is empty; Sheldon then pokes his head up from behind his desk and shakes his head)
Howard: Sorry, he's not here.
Reporter #2: Damn. I've got a deadline.
Howard: I don't know if it helps you at all, but I'm his best friend in the whole world.
Reporter #2: Really?
Howard: And an astronaut. Come on, you can buy me a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you about both.
Sheldon: (singing to the melody of "99 Bottles of Beer") Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar/Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium/If the half-life of radium should happen to pass/Three times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar.
Penny: Really hope you're almost to zero.
Sheldon: No, see, that's the beauty of half-lives; it's impossible to determine when you'll arrive at zero. It's like "Wheels on the Bus" if the bus had an unknowable number of parts.
Amy: Yeah, we're gonna need more coffee.
Penny: Yep. I'm with you. Leonard, coffee?
Leonard: Black and strong, like Luke Cage.
Penny: I'm too tired to even be disturbed by that.
Sheldon: What kind of tea is appropriate for winning a Nobel Prize and now everything is changing and you feel unmoored from reality?
Leonard: I don't know. Earl Grey?
Sheldon: You know, this is something I've wanted my whole life. But I guess I never considered how everything would be different.
Leonard: Buddy, I-I know all feels overwhelming right now, but I promise you, things will settle down.
Sheldon: (rummaging through teabags) There's no Earl Grey! You filthy liar!
Kripke: Hello, this is Sweden calling. Is this Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Yeah.
Kripke: Congratulations. It is my pleasure to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize. In being suckers!
Sheldon: (realizing who it is and hanging up) His Swedish accent was very convincing.
Sheldon: You know, when you think about it, now that we're Nobel Prize winners, our names will be linked together forever.
Amy: We're married. Our names are already linked together forever.
Sheldon: Oh, please. That's just a piece of paper. This is a piece of paper and a medal.
Sheldon: The Nobel committee will be making the calls to inform the winners at any minute, so the only drug I need is the endorphins pumping through my brain in anticipation of our victory.
Amy: Well, technically, anticipation wouldn't be mediated by endorphins as much as dopamine, but, you know, you've been up all night, so I'll give you that one.
(seeing he's asleep)
Amy: Really? The second he stops talking?
Penny: Well... should we wake him up?
Leonard: Well, he did say if he fell asleep, we were allowed to slap him awake.
Penny: (excited) Oh, boy.
Leonard: Wait a minute. Why do you get to do it?
Penny: 'Cause I called it.
Leonard: Well, you can't just call it. You have to earn it.
Penny: Oh, and you've earned it?
Leonard: No one has earned it more than me.
Amy: (clearing her throat) Ahem.
Leonard: You have your whole life to smack him around. This is my time.
Penny: Fine. Don't miss.
Leonard: It's not a volleyball. I can handle it.
Sheldon: And how does it feel to be married to a Nobel Prize winner?
Amy: You tell me.
Sheldon: Oh. Amy-centric; what a fun way to look at it.
Amy: I think so.
Sheldon: You would. That makes sense.
Penny: You know, I've grown, too. I used to be the bartender back there.
Sheldon: That's true. And now there is a completely different woman who botched my drink order. How hard is 65% Coke, 35% Diet Coke?
Penny: Well, judging by the look on her face, it's at least 1% saliva.
President Siebert: Hey, fellas. Can you do me a favor?
Raj: Do we have a choice?
President Siebert: (sarcastic amused laugh) Ha-ha! No. Sheldon and Amy are now officially superstars, and the press will be reaching out to their family and friends for comment. So that we're all on the same page, the word we're gonna use to describe them is "quirky". And not...
(in a deep voice)
President Siebert: ..."quirky". More like...
(more upbeat and pleasant)
President Siebert: ..."quirky"!
Howard: So not Mr. and Mrs. Whackadoodle?
President Siebert: (another sarcastic laugh) Ho-ho-ho! You bitter, envious little man.
Amy: (applause as she and Sheldon enter) Thank you so much.
President Siebert: (still uncomfortable, Sheldon leaves again) And what do we call that?
Leonard, Raj, Howard: Quirky.
Amy: It's weird. I don't really feel different, but I guess our lives will never be the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. We're going to work like always. I still put on my pants both legs at a time.
Amy: One day, that's gonna end very badly.
(leaving the apartment building, they're besieged by reporters)
Reporter #3: Congratulations. How does it feel?
Amy: O-Okay, w-we're happy to answer your questions, just, um, one at a time, please?
(uncomfortable and overwhelmed, Sheldon leaves)
Reporter #1: Is Dr. Cooper coming back?
Amy: No. Next question.
Sheldon: (after he gets to the bottom floor, he's surprised to see Penny there after he just left her and Leonard) How did you get down here?
Penny: The elevator. It's really fast.
Sheldon: I-I need to be alone right now. Don't try to follow me.
Penny: (Follows him) All right. You need a ride?
Sheldon: That'd be great. Thank you.
(returning home, Sheldon starts up the stairs)
Penny: Hang on.
(pressing the elevator call button)
Penny: What do you think? Want to give it a try?
(as the door opens, he looks in uncertainly, then glances at the stairwell)
Sheldon: Well, you know, the elevator did work when I moved into the building. So going up and down the stairs was a change, which means this would actually be a return to the status quo. But conversely, I think...
Penny: (shoving him) Get in!
Sheldon: (the doors close) This is wild.
Raj: Was it your left hand or your right hand?
Leonard: Right. Spit actually flew out of his mouth.
Penny: (preparing to slap Sheldon from his slumber) Oh, wait. Hang on. When you're old, you are gonna want a record of this.
Leonard: Oh, oh, yeah. Do it in slow-mo. I wanna see his cheeks ripple.
Amy: You know, I like the way my hair looks. I'm done tiptoeing around him.
Raj: Well, we're all guilty of it.
Amy: But why?
Leonard: 'Cause we were afraid to upset him.
Raj: Which happens anyway.
Amy: Well, that's over.
Leonard: I'm-I'm done enabling him. Like, this is his spot, and-and... and the thermostat has to be set to his comfort level, even though he doesn't even live here anymore and I'm always chilly.
Raj: Is that why you wear a hoodie all the time?
Leonard: Why would... yes! To accomodate Sheldon. And what-what about this-this thing? Why is it here? I'll tell you why. Because it was here when I moved in, and for no earthly reason, he forbade me to touch it.
Amy: Well, if you don't like it, get rid of it. Put it in the closet.
Leonard: You know what? I will.
(as soon as he grabs hold of the model, it falls apart)
Raj: I bet that's the reason.
Sheldon: I do take your point. You know, you're also married, you have a successful career, you no longer dress like you're trying to attract sailors by the wharf.
Penny: So, I guess the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are always changing.
Sheldon: Interesting. So you're saying the inevitability of change might be a universal constant.
Penny: Well, there's a little more to it than that, but, yeah, sure.
Sheldon: (seeing Howard and Bernie on CNN) Oh. Hey, look, that's Bernadette.
Bernadette: I can't tell you how many times Dr. Fowler was gonna give up and I would say to her "Amy, as your best friend, I'm not gonna let you quit."
Penny: Okay, I'm drinking again.
Sheldon: I'll join you. Waitress, uh, 95% Hawaiian Punch, 5% vodka.
Howard: Let me tell you about the time Mr. Nobel Laureate wanted olives...
Bernadette: (laughing) This is a good one.
Sheldon: (calling to the waitress) You know what? 90/10!
Penny: You know, you go on and on about wanting things to stay the same, but you've changed a lot since I met you.
Sheldon: Oh, you are a mean drunk.
Penny: I'm serious. You have a ton of friends, you got married, moved into a new apartment. You wore a baseball hat that one time. Heck, you've had sex almost as many times as I have fingers.
Sheldon: More.
Penny: W...
Sheldon: (holding up two fingers) By this many.
Penny: You dog!
Sheldon: It was the "Avengers" trailer.
Raj: You just won the Nobel. You should be proud of this moment.
Amy: I know I shouldn't care about how I look, and I never thought I did. It-it's stupid and shallow, but I just can't help it. Am I really this frumpy?
Raj: No. No, you are a beautiful woman. By the way, if you're not happy with those pictures, then make some changes. Get a haircut, new clothes, new glasses, big glasses; no glasses! Then you won't be able to see those pictures.
Amy: Sounds expensive.
Raj: Excuse me, i-if I'm not mistaken, the Nobel comes with a substantial cash prize. What were you gonna spend it on?
Amy: Hadn't really thought about it. Sheldon's got his eyes on some new Dockers.
Raj: Come on. Do something for yourself.
Amy: Well, I suppose I could get a haircut.
Raj: And some makeup and a new wardrobe, and a little thank-you gift for your shopping buddy if we see something that he likes. Come on.
Amy: (following him out) Where are we going?
Raj: Beverly Hills, where the things he likes are.
Sheldon: What do you want, Howard?
Howard: We were just calling to see if you'd heard yet.
Sheldon: We haven't.
Amy: But thank you for getting up so early to call. That was very thoughtful.
Bernadette: Oh, please. We have two little kids. We've been up for an hour.
Howard: Did anyone get to slap Sheldon?
Leonard: (disappointed) No.
Amy: I should've seen this coming.
Raj: Oh, stop. You're allowed to get a haircut.
Amy: I know. But I should've done it gradually. You know, like... maybe 300 tiny haircuts over a ten-year period.
Leonard: Okay, you need to focus on the positive. You won a Nobel Prize. I slapped Sheldon. A lot of dreams came true today.
Amy: You know, you're right. This is a huge day for me, and I'm allowed to enjoy it without worrying about how it's going to affect my husband.
Raj: Is it me, or did it just get fierce in here?
Bernadette: Why is this article about Sheldon all about you?
Howard: (looking over her shoulder) Let me see. Oh, good, they used my NASA picture.
Bernadette: Why does it say that you're his best friend? Leonard's his best friend.
Howard: No. Leonard has always been kind of a... monkey butler. Whenever Sheldon got into a scrape, I was his go-to guy.
Bernadette: When did he get into a scrape?
Howard: You're kidding, right? W-... remember when he had a panic attack 'cause his hand got caught in a jar of olives? I was the one who told him to let go of the olives.
Bernadette: Please, that doesn't make you his best friend.
Howard: You know, that reporter asked me if I could put him in touch with... Amy's best friend.
Bernadette: That's Penny.
Howard: (sing-song) Doesn't have to be.
Leonard: (after Raj shows Amy's new look, and he detested it and stormed out, Leonard follows him) Sheldon, that was really rude.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry. Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
Leonard: It's just a haircut and some clothes.
Sheldon: No, it's the last straw! I can't take anymore!
Penny: (the elevator bell dings and the doors open) Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator.
Amy: (her phone buzzes) Oh, that's me. It's CVS. My prescription's ready.
(another buzz)
Amy: Oh, and also my dad. He says congratulations and he loves me.
Sheldon: Nothing about me?
(his phone buzzes)
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, it's your dad. I'm good.
Sheldon: All this change is just too much. You know, the reporters, the attention at work, and now even Amy's changed. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
Penny: I'm playing a drinking game. Every time you say the word "change", I take a slug.
Sheldon: Are you gonna be able to drive me home?
Penny: Mm. Not unless you change the subject. Huh. Now I said it. Meh. Hmm.
Penny: You know, you're the only person who could win the biggest prize in science and still be upset about it.
Sheldon: It's just... all the times I thought about winning, I never thought about how it would ch...
(she starts to raise her drink)
Sheldon: Affect my life. I'm sorry, I'm genuinely concerned about your liver.
Penny: Okay. Fine, I'll stop playing.
Raj: Hey, is Penny here?
Leonard: No. Why?
Raj: I wanted to show her my latest creation. I give you... Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler!
Leonard: (Amy enters, looking drop-dead gorgeous) Wow. Amy, you look amazing.
Amy: Thank you. Sheldon, what do you think?
Sheldon: (giving her a once-over) I like you better the way you were.
Raj: But she looks beautiful! Classic lines, colors that complement her skin tone, and hair that goes from "office" to "on the town" in minutes.
Sheldon: I don't care. Put it back.
Amy: I like the way I look.
Sheldon: (storming out) Well, I don't!
Leonard: (following him) My fault. I was out of Earl Grey.
Amy: (after she hung up the phone, stunned) We won.
Penny: Congratulations!
Leonard: Oh, my god!
Sheldon: We did it.
Amy: I know. Can you believe it?
Sheldon: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming?
(everyone gasps as Leonard slaps him, hard)
Sheldon: (Realizing, screaming) WE WON THE NOBEL PRIZE!
(They all start cheering, screaming, and hugging one another)
Sheldon: (Between the attention he's getting as a Nobel Prize winner, Amy's new look, and the elevator finally being fixed) This is a nightmare.
(Storms off down the stairs)
Penny: What's with him?
Leonard: He won a Nobel Prize, and his wife looks amazing.
Penny: Oh. Yeah, got it.
Raj: Hey, what's wrong?
Amy: My picture's all over the Internet, and I look terrible.
Raj: No. Let me see.
(taking her phone)
Raj: Well, that is an unfortunate angle.
Denise: So you want to move in with me?
Stuart: More than Galactus wants to devour worlds.
Denise: Well that's great, cause I want to move in with you more than the Thing wants to clobber
Stuart: More than the Hulk wants to smash.
Denise: More than Batman wants to ignore the due process of law.
Stuart: We are so weird.
Raj: (At LAX, after Howard talked him out of going to London to be with Anu, they're walking away from the gate) How'd you get past security?
Howard: I bought a ticket. You owe me $1200.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I see, so... you're here to tell me all the ways that I failed you as a mother
Leonard: Yeah. And get comfortable, 'cause i-it's a long list.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Is it happening soon?
Leonard: You know what? It doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, you're never gonna change. If I want you to accept me for me, then I guess I'm gonna have to accept you for you. So... I forgive you.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I didn't ask you to forgive me.
Leonard: Too bad. I forgive you anyway. And I forgive myself for taking so long to do it. Oh, my God, that feels so good.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I must admit, it... it does feel good.
Leonard: What does?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: You forgiving me. It means a lot. Thank you.
Sheldon: Leonard, when are you leaving to pick your mother up from the airport?
Leonard: Oh well, let's see. Her plane gets in at three, I figure half an hour to get her luggage, so... never.
Penny: Never? Isn't that when you usually go to the gym?
Stuart: Hey, when I moved in, you and Bernadette said it was okay if I brought girls over.
Howard: We were making fun of you.
Bernadette: You seem angry.
Leonard: Of course I'm angry.
Bernadette: So, would you say that you're somewhat angry, very angry, or extremely angry? Never mind, I can see it in your face, dear.
Raj: (about Denise) I've noticed she's been over here a lot, lately.
Howard: You know how you noticed that, because you're over here a lot, lately.
Howard: Doesn't she have her own place? Why don't you guys hang out there?
Stuart: Um, she has a roommate and he's kinda creepy. And that's coming from me.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I've always gotten along with Leonard. Of all of my children, he's the most docile.
Sheldon: Experimental physics, the carpentry of the science world.
Sheldon: So I was talking to my mom about our Pemberton and Campbell situation.
Amy: Really? What'd she say?
Sheldon: Apparently, Old Testament God would bring down his wrath on them for being deceitful, but New Testament God would forgive them.
Amy: So couldn't we just bring down our wrath and ask the New Testament God to forgive us?
Sheldon: You know, I asked her that very question... She said I was full of California sass.
Dr. Kevin Campbell: (drunkenly storming into Sheldon's office to confront Sheldon and Amy) Dr. Cooper. Dr. Fowler. Just the guy I want to see.
Amy: Are you drunk?
Dr. Kevin Campbell: I was. And then, I still was. And now... I still was.
Dr. Greg Pemberton: All breakthroughs happen by accident.
Amy: (yelling) No they don't!
Dr. Greg Pemberton: Well, that's the great thing about science. We all get to have our own opinions.
Sheldon: (awkward pause)
(to Amy)
Sheldon: I'm still not talking. That's impressive, right?
Sheldon: Have you ever wondered what the Hulk would be like if he were made of sherbet?
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Delicious.
Sheldon: (When Sheldon sees Leonard sitting on his spot) Geez I am sorry I didn't watched the news today, has the whole world gone mad!
Penny: When was the last time you did something totally selfish without worrying about what anyone else wanted?
Leonard: Uh, according to my mother, I took my sweet time being born.
Penny: How is that selfish?
Leonard: Apparently she had dinner reservations.
Sheldon: How can I tell if I'm doing something for a noble reason or a selfish reason?
Amy: Try saying the thing in your head and see if you can add the words, "That'll show them".
(When Sheldon sees Leonard sitting on his spot)
Sheldon: Geez I am sorry I didn't watched the news today, has the whole world gone mad!
Penny: Really? This thing has numbers?
Sheldon: Anything has a number if you assign it a number. Friend number 4.
President Siebert: (sternly and angrily to Amy and Sheldon) Listen up. You have a shot to win a Nobel Prize... and you're blowing it!
Janine Davis: (calmly to Amy and Sheldon) I think what President Siebert is trying to say is that you have a shot to win a Nobel Prize, and you're blowing it.
Sheldon: (confused, pointing at President Siebert) That's exactly what he said.
Janine Davis: Yes, but I said it in my calming HR voice.
President Siebert: Dr. Cooper, Dr. Fowler. I was just telling Professor Arnold how you came up with super-asymmetry at your wedding.
Dr. Frances H. Arnold: It's a wonderful story.
Amy: Ha, it really is.
Sheldon: I wouldn't say it was the highlight of the wedding, because I've been told not to for reasons I don't fully understand.
President Siebert: Uh, but what he does understand is how the universe works, and that's what's important.
(laughs)
President Siebert: Not what comes out of his mouth.
Dr. Greg Pemberton: It's strange. A few months ago, nobody ever paid attention to us, and now we're getting all these accolades.
Dr. Kevin Campbell: Have any of you ever felt like you didn't deserve it?
Sheldon: Leonard, there's something I need to say.
Leonard: Shut up.
Sheldon: Okay,
Dr. Greg Pemberton: It's crazy. We've conclusively proven super-asymmetry, and yet somehow, we still feel like imposters.
Dr. Kevin Campbell: There should be a term for that.
Amy: Oh, for crying out loud, there is a term for that! It's called Imposter Syndrome! And you don't have it, because you can't have it if you are imposters, and you are! We're the ones who discovered super-asymmetry, so if anyone should feel like they have Imposter Syndrome, it's us, because we're not imposters! They are! You're imposters and you're frauds!
Sheldon: Is that what I would've sounded like?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Yikes!
Howard: It's a children's book. I mean, cats don't wear hats. And if someone gives you green eggs, it ends with you on the toilet trying to make a deal with God.
Penny: (to Amy and Sheldon) Yeah, now get out of here, go talk to some smart people.
Leonard: (to Penny) Wait a minute?
Penny: Yeah, sorry. Sometimes I forget you're smart because you're so sexy.
Leonard: We wanted to talk to you about Dr. Cooper. Now before you say no...
Kip Thorne: No.
Leonard: Well then after you say no...
Kip Thorne: No.
Penny: What does a physics rumble look like?
Leonard: Kind of like angry chickens.
Raj: This is nice. All my friends, hanging out, watching Ellen.It's like, what am I gonna do witih my other two wishes?
Amy: It's not nice. She's having on the scientists who are trying to steal our Nobel Prize.
Sheldon: Although I will enjoy watching her expose Pemberton and Campbell as the coattail riding frauds that they are.
Leonard: That is Ellen's brand, gotcha journalism.
Penny: You should have seen her take down John Krasinsky last week. Got him to admit he loved his wife. It was brutal.
Sheldon: It's from Saul Perlmutter. He sent me a picture.
Amy: Oh, let me see.
Sheldon: Oh, he arranged the cookies to spell out "Thank you".
Amy: Sheldon, that word isn't "thank".
Dr. George F. Smoot: (Receiving a box of cookies) Sheldon Cooper? Hmm.
(Tosses box in trash)
Kip Thorne: (Receives box from assistant) Sheldon Cooper? Pass.
Dr. Frances H. Arnold: (Opening box) Sheldon Cooper? Aw. Ugh, oatmeal raisin! Ugh!
(Tosses box in trash)
Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Dr. Pemberton!
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Dr. Campbell!
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Drs. Pemberton and Campbell!
Sheldon: My problem is that I don't always know when I've gone too far.
Leonard: Well, if you like, I could try to help you out. You know, maybe let you know if you're crossing a line.
Sheldon: Oh, you mean like with a code word?
Leonard: Sure. How's "Shut up"?
Sheldon: That's perfect. People say it to me all the time. No one will suspect.
Leonard: Tell me the truth, mother. Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Of course not, dear. It was thousands of small experiments
Danny: We're always on the lookout for great sales people. I think we could make you happy.
Penny: Thanks, but I'm pretty happy.
Karen: I could be more happy.
Penny: Tell it to your shrink, Karen.
Leonard: Oh my God! At sleep-away camp, my cabin was called "Control Group".
Leonard: Wow, that's a lot of luggage for a weekend.
Penny: You know, I didn't know what to wear, so I brought a few options.
Leonard: Was one of the options, the option to never come back?
Danny: We control 60% of the market. Hell, commissions on just our fungal cream will put you in a new Mercedes.
Penny: Danny, Danny, look at me.
(points to her face)
Penny: Does this face sell fungal cream? No, this face is cholesterol drugs and above.
Penny: Hi, can I help you?
Kwame: Actually, I'm looking for the bathroom.
Penny: Ah yes, it's right next to the laxative booth. Clever, right?
Howard: Engage them for one minute and take note of their reactions.
Leonard: There's something familiar about all of this.
Howard: Okay, go.
Sheldon: Hello, baby, are you having a pleasant day?
Leonard: Oh my God! This is my entire childhood.
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard, you're tainting my data.
Leonard: It's like word for word.
Leonard: If you really want to know, I'll tell you where I was. I was at Wil's D&D game, but that's all I can say.
Penny: Oh, fun. Were there famous people there?
Leonard: Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't tell you that. Okay, well, yes, but I-I-I-I can't tell you who. Well, no, I-I can tell you Shatner, but that's only because you already knew that one.
Penny: Well, I'm glad you had fun.
Wil Wheaton: Hey, what are you guys doing here?
Amy: Oh, I, uh, think Sheldon might have left something.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, you mean besides his lunch?
Bernadette: (exaggerated laughter) You are so funny, Wil.
Penny: Oh, we were just talking about how funny you are.
Wil Wheaton: Yeah, Leonard told you, didn't he?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: Yup.
Penny: Yeah.
Bernadette: Mm-hmm.
Wil Wheaton: It's Manganiello?
Amy: Uh-huh.
Bernadette, Penny: Mm-hmm.
Wil Wheaton: Feel good about yourselves?
Penny: Nope.
Bernadette: No.
Amy: Yeah.
(seeing the others' looks)
Amy: Oh, we're going with no? No.
Leonard: I wish I could tell you who else was there. I can't, I promised.
Penny: Yeah, if it makes you feel better, I couldn't care less.
Leonard: That's true, you don't care, so there's no harm in telling you.
Penny: Okay, you really don't have to.
Leonard: All right, I'll tell you.
Wil Wheaton: All right, Professor Proton fans, get ready to meet Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, a pair of real-life scientists who may win the Nobel Prize. That's like the Kids' Choice Award, but with more science and less slime.
Amy: Hi. Thanks for having us.
Sheldon: Kids' Choice Award? Why would they let kids choose anything? They're basically human larvae.
Wil Wheaton: You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles. What do you do?
William Shatner: Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh. Here's the plan...
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hold on there, Bill.
William Shatner: Now what, Kareem?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: How do we know it's not a neo-otyugh?
William Shatner: Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear. Does that answer your question?
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: No.
Joe Manganiello: Look, there's only one way to settle this. We chop it up and look at the pieces.
Kevin Smith: Oh, come on. Why do you always gotta attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it?
Joe Manganiello: Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: What do you think, Leonard?
Leonard: I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.
William Shatner: It's all right, buddy. One day, you'll meet a girl.
Wil Wheaton: Hello?
Howard: (imitating Shatner) Wil, Bill Shatner here.
Wil Wheaton: Is this Howard?
Howard: Of course not. It-it's Shatner. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, Christopher Walken.
(imitating Walken)
Howard: Hello. Bill and I are just hanging out at the Polo Lounge.
Raj: (clinking two glasses) Mr. Shatner, Mr. Walken, here are your martinis.
Howard: (normally, whispering) What are you doing?
Raj: I'm filling out the world.
Howard: You're ruining it.
Wil Wheaton: No, he's not.
Raj: Thanks, Wil!
Amy: Imagine you're looking in a mirror. The image you see looks just like you. That's called symmetrical.
Sheldon: Now imagine you have a billion mirrors, and each of them reflects one thing about you correctly and a billion things about you incorrectly. And imagine the set of incorrect things are floating in an abstract N-dimensional hyperspace. Now imagine there was never a mirror to begin with.
Wil Wheaton: Oh, was that a doorbell?
Amy: I didn't hear anything.
Wil Wheaton: (pressing a button to make a doorbell sound) Huh, there it is again. Sheldon, why don't you answer it?
Sheldon: But I don't know who it is.
Wil Wheaton: Maybe it's a special guest who I invited just to surprise you. Why don't you open it up and find out.
Sheldon: This is a terrible message to send to children.
(directly addressing the camera)
Sheldon: Children, you never open the door if you don't know who's on the other side. You always make your mommy or daddy do it while you hide under the bed and try to imagine what your superhero name will be when you avenge their deaths.
Amy: I'll get it.
Sheldon: But it can't be Silver Shadow. That's mine.
Wil Wheaton: (Outside his front door, Wil points to Howard) No.
(points to Raj)
Wil Wheaton: No.
(points to Leonard)
Wil Wheaton: No.
(points to Sheldon)
Wil Wheaton: Hell no.
Stuart: I don't want to play anymore. It's too much pressure.
Wil Wheaton: Why? What happened?
Stuart: I've-I've said too much.
Wil Wheaton: You haven't said anything.
Stuart: Not to you. To them.
Wil Wheaton: Who's "them"?
Stuart: AHH! Now I have said too much!
Sheldon: I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.
Howard: (imitating Shatner) Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?
Sheldon: Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.
Raj: Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
Sheldon: Wil will give me another chance. He thinks the world of me.
Leonard: Aw. One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.
Sheldon: (not getting the sarcasm) Thank you.
Sheldon: (knocking on Wil's door) Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
(peeking inside, then ringing the doorbell)
Sheldon: Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton. Wil Wheaton.
Wil Wheaton: Now's not a good time, Sheldon.
Sheldon: For what?
Wil Wheaton: You.
Sheldon: I need to apologize.
Wil Wheaton: Apology accepted.
Joe Manganiello: (off screen) Wil, come on! I cast Fireball, and you need to roll your Dexterity Save.
Wil Wheaton: I'll be right there.
Sheldon: Are you playing Dungeons & Dragons?
Wil Wheaton: No.
Kevin Smith: Would you hurry up, man? The map says this dungeon's full of dragons.
Wil Wheaton: (seeing Sheldon's look) Still no.
Sheldon: Who are you playing with?
Wil Wheaton: Uh... it's just some friends. You don't know them.
William Shatner: Wheaton, get back here. Hobgoblins are at the gate, and you're at the door buying Girl Scout cookies.
Sheldon: Is that William Shat...
Wil Wheaton: (shutting the door) Nope.
Leonard: Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
Penny: Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
Leonard: I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?
Penny: How do you *not* know him?
Leonard: Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.
Penny: Wow. That is so cool.
Leonard: Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on "True Blood", he was there.
Penny: What? Joe Manganiello?
Leonard: Uh, yeah.
Penny: From "Magic Mike"?
Leonard: What's that?
Penny: (searching on her phone) Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?
Leonard: He had his clothes on, but yeah.
Wil Wheaton: Okay, Where were we?
William Shatner: I was about to go all "Wrath of Khan" on these ogres.
Penny: Hey, you know what was fun? That time we played "Dungeons & Dragons".
Amy: That was fun. We should play that more.
Bernadette: (still looking at Joe's picture) Sorry, what, now?
Raj: I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
Leonard: It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
Raj: Well, that's her fault, not mine!
William Shatner: Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
Howard: (sounds of Sheldon vomiting) Oh, poor Shatner.
Raj: Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.
Leonard: Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should...
Howard: Make fun of him?
Leonard: A lot.
Raj: Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
Leonard: Yeah.
Raj: Okay, just so we're all on the same page.
Leonard: (seeing Sheldon playing "Red Dead") Sheldon, why are you walking everywhere? Just get a horse.
Sheldon: I had a horse. It got hit by a train.
Leonard: Get another one.
Sheldon: I can't just replace Chauncey. I'm still in the grieving process.
Raj: Hey, do you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?
Penny: Nope.
Leonard, Howard: No.
Bernadette: Certainly not.
Raj: You don't even know what it's about.
Bernadette: Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
Raj: That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
Howard: I'd read that.
Raj: (calling Wil) But y-you blocked your number, right?
Howard: Relax, this is not my first creepy phone call. It's like riding a bike... slowly past a girl's house.
Stuart: Hey, guys.
Howard: You're home late.
Stuart: Uh, yeah. I had a crazy night. I went to the pharmacy. I like to be there when the new decongestants drop.
Raj: Cut the crap. We know where you were. We know what you were doing.
Stuart: Yeah, I just told you. I was at CVS breathing my ass off.
Penny: Hey, how was your lecture?
Leonard: Oh, it was so good. I-I-I mean, it-it started great, and then the, the middle was great, and then ending was, like...
(pantomiming an explosion)
Leonard: So great.
Penny: Leonard, if you went to House of Pies again, just say it.
Leonard: W-w-wait, if you think I'm lying, why do you think I'm eating pies? Why don't you think I'm... having an affair?
Penny: Listen, i-it's fine, just next time, bring me a slice.
Penny: Yeah, let's teach that ogre what my broad sword tastes like.
William Shatner: I like your moxie.
Penny: Aw, and I like your grandpa words.
Penny: I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello. Is he nice?
Leonard: Oh, he's so nice. I-I-I rolled my dice underneath the couch, and he just lifted it up, one hand.
Penny: (daydreamily) Oh, I-I bet he did.
William Shatner: Hello.
Sheldon: Captain on the bridge! Captain on the bridge! You're William Shatner.
William Shatner: You can call me Bill.
Sheldon: Ooh, can I call you Captain?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: Please?
William Shatner: No.
Sheldon: (whispering) Please?
William Shatner: Sure.
Sheldon: And w-will you call me Science Officer Cooper?
William Shatner: This has got to stop.
Sheldon: I think you know how to make it stop.
William Shatner: (offering a handshake) Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
Leonard: We know you were at Wil's D&D game. We saw you on Instagram. We just want to know how you got invited.
Stuart: I can't talk about it, or they won't invite me back next week.
Leonard: So there's another game next week.
Stuart: I didn't mean to say that.
Howard: Who's in it?
Stuart: Oh, I can't tell you!
Raj: How do we get invited?
Stuart: I don't know!
Sheldon: How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?
Stuart: 12D8 + 24. AHH! I mean, I don't know!
Sheldon: Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
Leonard: How do you know?
Raj: Who was there?
Amy: Why are you damp?
Sheldon: I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
Howard: Oh, that means they must be really famous.
Sheldon: I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.
Raj: I wonder who else is playing.
Leonard: I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
Howard: Yes.
Leonard: (hurrying over to a white board) Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole "Next Gen" cast.
Penny: So this is the rest of our night, huh?
Amy: Oh, no. This is the rest of our lives.
Wil Wheaton: Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.
Leonard: (flattered) Well, yes, thank you.
Wil Wheaton: Okay, great. Now, here's the thing. You can't tell anyone. I'm serious. Not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.
Leonard: Okay.
Wil Wheaton: I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends...
Leonard: (hanging up) See you there!
Wil Wheaton: So, you two have discovered something that a lot of people are really excited about.
Amy: We have.
Wil Wheaton: Now, before you explain it, keep in mind that our average viewer is this many.
(he holds up nine fingers like a small child would)
Stuart: I don't know what you're talking about.
Raj: Then why are you trembling?
Stuart: I'm always trembling.
Howard: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
Sheldon: Very funny. Get it all out.
Leonard: Like you did on William Shatner?
Sheldon: Raj, do you have something to add?
Raj: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.
Penny: Okay, can you guys keep a secret?
Amy: Yeah.
Bernadette: Sure.
Penny: Good, 'cause I can't. Leonard played "Dungeons & Dragons" with the hot guy from "Magic Mike".
Bernadette: I never got to see that movie.
Amy: Seriously?
Bernadette: Yeah, Howie made us leave as soon as he realized it wasn't about magic.
Amy: Well, I have seen that movie one or seven times, and trust me, it is magic. Which guy?
Penny: (showing them on her phone) That one.
Bernadette: (taking the phone) Abracadabra.
Leonard: And Josh Brolin gets you to every Avenger.
Howard: (on his phone) Kevin Smith's in this article about celebrities who play D&D.
Leonard: Oh, a-and he was on Wil's podcast, so they know each other.
Raj: G-Go on his Instagram, see if you can find anything.
Howard: Yeah, he-he posted something an hour ago: "#GameNight".
Sheldon: That looks like Wil's house.
Howard: William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
Leonard: Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
Howard: (looking closer) Is that a ghost?
Raj: I think it's Stuart.
Sheldon: That is Stuart. What-what's he doing there?
Raj: Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.
Leonard: Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?
Bernadette: (watching with Amy and Penny) I know the answer.
Penny: Yeah. We all know the answer.
Penny: What are those?
Leonard: Vitamins. Zack wants me to take them to increase my virility.
Penny: Zack used the word "virility"?
Leonard: He may have said "wiener power".
Howard: Since you really, really want to go, I'll stay here.
Bernadette: Oh great.
Howard: Unless you don't want to, because I was right and I do know you.
Bernadette: Well, if you really know me, then you know how far I'll go to prove a point.
Howard: Apparently 34000 feet that way, then straight back down, up and down, over and over again until you throw up food you didn't even eat.
Amy: Sheldon! Come home! They don't want to have YOUR baby.
Leonard: I know someone who might be interested.
Amy: (In the Cooper apartment, to Sheldon) No. Absolutely not!
Sheldon: (on the phone, to Zack) I'm sorry. My wife says I'm not allowed.
Sheldon: So you're willing to go through with this, even though she clearly has reservations?
Leonard: If she has a problem, she should say something.
Sheldon: She tried to seduce you. If that's not a cry for help, I don't know what is.
Amy: This isn't gonna make you a dad. It's gonna be their baby, not yours.
Sheldon: Although, some day, if that kid want's to know why he's short, near-sighted, and asthmatic, he may hunt you down.
Penny: Can I get you something to drink? Maybe a beer?
Wyatt: Sure, if you're having one.
Penny: Okay.
Wyatt: And why wouldn't you, since you're not pregnant?
Penny: Okay, that's my dad. Now remember, don't bring up any baby stuff. All right? Not me wanting one, not you having one with Zack.
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: And if he brings it up, just change the subject to literally anything else.
Leonard: Got it.
Penny: But not the Cornhuskers, do not discuss the Cornhuskers.
Penny, Leonard: Is that a sports team?
Penny: Never mind, you're good.
Wyatt: You think you're mad at me and Leonard, but maybe you're really mad at yourself.
Penny: Why would I be mad at myself?
Wyatt: Cause your regret this "no baby" plan of yours.
Penny: You know it's pretty crappy of you to make me feel bad about this.
Wyatt: I'm not trying to make you feel bad. But... do you?
Penny: Yes. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Hate disappointing Leonard, but I really hate disappointing you.
Wyatt: Oh, Slugger, you could never disappoint me. Okay, your high school years were a little rough.
Penny: And I'm sorry about that.
Wyatt: There was you sneaking out at night and your boyfriends sneaking out in the morning.
Penny: I said sorry.
Wyatt: That time you got drunk and stole the horse.
Penny: Yeah. I was there. I remember. Parts of it.
Wyatt: But besides all that, being your dad is the best thing ever happenned to me.
Penny: What about Lisa and Randall?
Wyatt: They're okay. And I don't want you to miss out.
Penny: I know.
Wyatt: But if this is really what you want, or don't want, I'm on your side.
Penny: Thanks.
Bernadette: (Floating) I hate this so much! Why am I doing this?
Anu: To prove a stupid point to your husband.
Bernadette: Oh right. Worth it.
Bernadette: I'm a thrill-seeker, too. I've had to pull back since I became a mom, but I'll still jump on the back of a grocery cart and just roll through the meat section.
Howard: And I'm married to her, which is quite the ride.
Stuart: Is it me or has no one been in the store for hours?
Denise: Yeah, it's weirdly quiet. Nobody's in the street.
Stuart: Huh, that's strange.
Denise: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Stuart: They cut that meteorite open and unleashed a space plague.
Denise: Exactly.
Stuart: Let me just lock up here.
Denise: Okay, so what do we do?
Stuart: Uh, well, if this is a worst case scenario and we're the last two people alive we're gonna have to rebuild civilization.
Denise: Do you have any special skills?
Stuart: I can draw. How bout you?
Denise: I can play clarinet.
Stuart: I didn't know that.
Denise: Yeah. Ten years. Ah.
Stuart: You know, it, uh, might also be up to us to repopulate the earth.
Denise: I'm okay with that.
Stuart: So shall we?
Denise: Wait here. I'm gonna brush my teeth.
Stuart: (Sheldon shows up) We're closed.
Sheldon: This is going on Yelp.
Sheldon: I went down to the city compliance office to turn you in.
Howard: Are you kidding?
Sheldon: But I didn't do it. I filled out the form and then realized that the unwritten laws of friendship are more important than the written rules of the city of Altadena City and Planning Department.
Bernadette: Aw.
Howard: Really? Aw?
Sheldon: And you'll be happy to know that while I was there I did look into your neighbor's balcony and it is encroaching on your property line. I had all this pent-up snitch energy so I reported him hard.
Howard: What did they say?
Sheldon: He's going to have to remove it.
Bernadette: So the good guys win?
Sheldon: Well, I don't know if I'd call you the good guys. You're enforcing a law on him which you're willfully ignoring yourselves.
Bernadette: Uh. All right, fine. The morally compromising guys win!
Sheldon: Apparently so.
Raj: (Zombie Leonard chomps on Bert) Stop eating Bert!
(Zombie Leonard spits out a chunk of Bert and goes after Raj)
Raj: Keep eating Bert!
Stuart: Whoa, whoa! You're not gonna cut open a meteor, are you? Have you not learned anything from comic books? Space viruses? Pod people? I sell nothing, but warnings.
Sheldon: Oh Amy, you see through me like one of Penny's shirts.
Penny: Hey, how long have you been sitting here?
Bernadette: Long enough for two of your neighbors to ask of I was lost and looking for my mother.
Sheldon: So you weren't even thinking about super-asymmetry?
Dr. Campbell: Thinking about it? We don't even understand it.
Bernadette: The drug I've been working on for the past 5 years just got approved by the FDA.
Penny: Wow!
Raj: Congratulations. Was that the decongestant you developed?
Bernadette: No. We had to rebrand that as a solvent for mining equipment.
Penny: Is it the anti-itch cream you were testing on grad students?
Bernadette: It's not, but that's a really funny story which I'm legally prevented from telling you.
Sheldon: There you are.
Dr. Campbell: Dr. Cooper, hello.
Sheldon: Hello to you to. Now stop trying to stealing our Nobel Prize. You come up with your own idea.
Dr. Campbell: That's not gonna to happen.
Dr. Pemberton: Wouldn't that be something though?
Dr. Campbell: Well, too bad.
Sheldon: That discovery belongs to Amy and me.
Dr. Pemberton: Look, Dr. Cooper. We all want a Nobel Prize. Super-asymmetry could be the breakthrough that gets us there.
Dr. Campbell: But we can't fight over credit; we have to work together.
Sheldon: So you're saying the four of us should agree to share this discovery?
Dr. Pemberton: Well, no. Unfortunately only three people can share a Nobel.
Sheldon: Oh, that's right.
(whispering to Pemberton about Campbell)
Sheldon: So he's out?
Dr. Campbell: No, I'm not out.
Sheldon: (whispering to Campbell about Pemberton) So he's out?
Dr. Campbell: Neither of us is out. We think that the three physicists should be the ones who win the Nobel Prize for physics.
Sheldon: Wait. So you want to cut Amy out?
Dr. Campbell: No, of course not.
Dr. Pemberton: We don't want to, but we're going to.
Sheldon: But she's my wife.
Dr. Pemberton: Yes, exactly. She's your wife. And she's a neuroscientist. It's like, what's she even doing on this paper? It just raises questions.
Dr. Campbell: Look, Fermilab is going to recommend the three of us to the Nobel committee. The best chance we have is if your university does the same.
Sheldon: I see. So you really think that I'm the kind of man who would sell out his partner of a chance of winning a Nobel Prize?
Dr. Pemberton: Are you?
Sheldon: Boy, I hope not!
Amy: Maybe you should.
Sheldon: What?
Amy: This has been your lifelong dream. And you may not get another chance. I don't want to be the reason that you don't win a Nobel.
Sheldon: You're the only reason I deserve one.
Amy: But if your best shot is with them, I think you should take it.
Sheldon: Is this what you really want me to do?
Amy: I want you to be happy.
Sheldon: Thank you.
(Hugs)
Sheldon: (Sheldon & Amy) We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it! We did it!
Penny: Ahhhh, remember when they only did it on her birthday?
Penny: Aren't you always saying it's about the work, not more money or a better title?
Leonard: All the smart things I say, and you remember the dumb one.
Zack: I asked for the most expensive one they have. They said it was $200 and I said I want a more expensive one. And then, they said it was $300.
Marissa: We want to have a baby, but we can't do it on our own.
Zack: It could be because of the game me and my frat brothers used to play where we kicked each other in the balls over and over.
President Siebert: I just want you to know that you have our full support, and we're organizing a big media push. Articles, interviews.
Amy: Ooh, you want us to do interviews?
President Siebert: Uh, well, we're thinking a divide-and-conquer approach here, where you do the interviews, and Sheldon stays here and holds down the fort. You know, in case there's an emergency.
Sheldon: What kind of emergency would there be in physics?
President Siebert: I don't know. Maybe there's an object in motion that won't stay in motion. Or a reaction that's equal but not opposite.
President Siebert: Well, this is nice. Why have we waited so long to do this?
Sheldon: Because you never invited us.
President Siebert: Ha-ha-ha! Well, the important thing is you're here now, and we're so excited about your work. This paper is going to do big things for all of us, so if there's anything that you need...
Sheldon: You know, actually, I could use some barbecue sauce for my tots. Oh, wait. No. Ketchup.
President Siebert: (to a passing waiter) Can we have some barbecue sauce and ketchup over here?
Sheldon: Both?
(to Amy, impressed)
Sheldon: So this is how the other half lives.
Anu: So I told my mom she just needed to back off. This is our wedding, and if anyone's gonna design the floral arrangements, it's going to be my man.
Raj: Thank you. I mean, I-I'm not trying to be a groomzilla, but... this is my specialty.
Anu: (his phone buzzes) Someone texting you?
Raj: Uh, no. It's just my, uh, doorbell camera.
Anu: Oh. I got one of those for my place, but I never installed it.
Raj: Oh, it's easy. I can do it for you. You're gonna love it. It's how I found out a raccoon was stealing my "cheese of the month" club.
Anu: What did you do?
Raj: Well, nothing. I didn't want to piss it off. It was, like, huge from eating all the cheese.
Leonard: Hey, Penny and I were thinking of getting a big paintball game together.
Howard: Oh, Leonard, why does she want to shoot you?
Leonard: She doesn't want to shoot me.
Raj: Who doesn't want to shoot you?
Leonard: Penny.
Raj: No, that doesn't sound right.
Leonard: She just wants to play paintball. It combines my love of whimsy with her love of making grown men cry.
Howard: Sounds fun. Bernadette and I are in.
Raj: You don't need to ask her?
Howard: No. I've been pretty annoying lately. She's gonna want to shoot me.
Amy: Okay, I need you to be honest with me. How do I look?
Sheldon: Well, a little shorter, but as we age, that happens to all of us.
Amy: Come on, help me out here. I've got a bunch of interviews today.
Sheldon: Well, no one'll notice. They never met you before.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm nervous, and I wish you were coming with me.
Sheldon: If it helps, I wrote up some possible questions and answers for you.
Amy: (taking an index card) "Whom do you love more, Sheldon the scientist or Sheldon the man? Answer: Sheldon the scientist, but by such a slim margin that it's statistically insignificant." Well, you really managed to capture my voice.
Sheldon: Well, don't worry. I'm sure you're gonna do great.
Amy: Thank you. Okay, bye.
Sheldon: (she stands to leave) Wait, wait, wait. You forgot the cards.
Amy: Love you, too.
Penny: Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.
Sheldon: You know what I call this drink?
Penny: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because...
Amy: He is also sweet and bubbly.
Stuart: Would you mind stocking these?
Denise: Oh, actually, I'm not on the clock today. I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend.
Stuart: Ah, cool. Huh. That's me, right?
Denise: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I broke up with you and now I'm dating...
(pointing to a random customer)
Denise: That guy.
Stuart: I know you're joking, but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.
Denise: Isn't it fight-or-flight?
Stuart: Not for me.
Amy: Do you ever feel guilty that we get to eat in the fancy dining room while our friends have to eat in the regular one?
Sheldon: Yes. Wait, did you say "guilty" or "happy"?
Amy: Guilty.
Sheldon: Oh, then, no. In fact, take a picture of me with the garlic knots to send them.
Howard: Everything okay?
Raj: Yeah, it's just Anu's doorbell camera. I helped her install it.
Bernadette: You can't look at it. That's spying.
Raj: Who the hell is this guy?
Bernadette: Ooh, let me see.
(she, Howard, and Stuart all gather around him)
Howard: He's got... bags. He's probably just delivering food.
Raj: Why is she hugging him?
Bernadette: Maybe she doesn't have tip money?
Raj: W-Wait, why is she inviting him into the house?
Howard: She's a good tipper?
Stuart: I didn't know your roommate was moving out.
Denise: Yeah. I've been looking for a new one, but... so far no luck.
Penny: (pointedly) You hear that? She needs a rommmate.
Denise: What do you think, Stuart?
Stuart: (mumbling) Uh, i-i-it, uh... flight.
(leaving as fast as he can)
Stuart: Flight.
Penny: (to Leonard) That was hard to watch.
Amy: (reading feedback to their paper) Okay, here's one from Dr. Saltzberg at UCLA.
Sheldon: Wait, no, stop. I don't want to know. What if he's mean?
Leonard: Well, what if he's complimentary?
Sheldon: I want to know.
Amy: Okay. He says...
Sheldon: I don't want to know.
Leonard: (taking the phone) All right, just... let me see it.
(reading the message)
Leonard: Okay, this is... this is really positive. Wow, it's, like, *really* positive. He says i-it might be the discovery of the decade.
Amy: (he hands the phone back) He's right. They love it!
Sheldon: This is so exciting. Oh, this may be the Dr. Cooper talking, but pour me another Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: So, have you guys gotten any feedback yet?
Amy: Well, there are some comments online, but we haven't read them. We decided we don't care what people say about our work.
Penny: Good for you. People online can be so mean. I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, and some jerk said I looked so skinny I might disappear.
Leonard: And yet somehow, she soldiers on.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did give the world a gift. It would be nice to read some of the thank-you notes.
Leonard: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.
Amy: Okay. I'll read them.
Leonard: If any of them accuse you of being too pretty, Penny can help you through it.
President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Ah, President Siebert.
President Siebert: What are you doing in the regular cafeteria? You're a superstar.
(to the others)
President Siebert: No offense, worker bees.
(to Sheldon again)
President Siebert: You should join me in my private dining room. Dr. Fowler is already there.
Sheldon: Can I bring my friends?
President Siebert: No.
Sheldon: Can I bring my tater tots?
President Siebert: Yes.
Sheldon: All right, let's go.
Leonard: A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: Yay.
(they clink their glasses and sip their drinks)
Sheldon: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.
President Siebert: Welcome to the inner sanctum.
Sheldon: Oh, I do love a good sanctum.
Amy: Sheldon, look at my fruit plate. It's got kiwi on it.
Sheldon: Ugh. I don't like kiwi.
Amy: Neither do I, but it's so fancy.
Amy: It sounds like you don't want Sheldon to do the interviews.
President Siebert: It's not that we don't want Sheldon to do the interviews, it's just that we really want you to do the interviews. Without Sheldon.
Sheldon: (a server brings his condiments) Now, wait, wait, are you trying to exclude me?
President Siebert: Look, Sheldon, you're a brilliant man, but your people skills are...
Sheldon: This is not barbecue sauce! This is steak sauce! What are you trying to pull?
President Siebert: Like that.
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. It is my work, too, and I am perfectly capable of keeping it together for an interview.
President Siebert: Okay. Say somebody asks if you feel your work is derivative of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski.
Amy: (Sheldon's face starts twitching) Seriously, can we get this man some barbecue sauce?
Leonard: Hey, we're doing a big paintball game on Saturday if you two want to join.
Denise: Oh, my roommate asked me to help her move out on Saturday.
Penny: Ugh. That sucks.
Denise: Sucks for her. I'm playing paintball.
Bernadette: Really? She asked you to move in with her?
Stuart: Yeah, she was hinting around about it, but I think I handled it pretty well.
Raj: Pretty well? You ran out of there so fast, if it was a cartoon, there would have been a Stuart-shaped hole in the wall.
Bernadette: Was she mad?
Stuart: Uh, no. I talked to her afterward. She said she's fine.
Howard: (all answering simultaneously) Oh, no.
Raj: Yikes!
Bernadette: You'll find someone new.
President Siebert: There's my MVP; Most Valuable Physicist.
Sheldon: Thank you.
President Siebert: And my star of NPR "Science Friday" and a potpourri of popular podcasts.
Amy: I don't know if I'd use the word "star".
President Siebert: I would. I got an early look at the interview you did for "Wired", and it is glowing. They loved you.
Amy: That's great. Thanks for telling me.
Sheldon: Congratulations, Amy. I'm so proud of you.
President Siebert: And that headline: "The Neurobiologist Who Revolutionized Physics".
Sheldon: I'm sorry, the who did what to... huh?
Amy: I guess we could bury it in the park.
Sheldon: Where dogs do their business and other dogs sniff that business? I don't think so.
Penny: What would you like to do, Sheldon?
Sheldon: The only fitting send-off: a Viking funeral.
Leonard: You mean, like, push it out into a lake and shoot it with a flaming arrow?
Sheldon: This guy gets it.
Penny: How about a bathtub and a match?
Sheldon: How about a bathtub and a flaming arrow?
Amy: How about a bathtub, a match and an ice-cold Yoo-Hoo after?
Sheldon: Sold!
Bernadette: Look. I know you still want this, and I can help you. All those pageants I did as a kid? I could teach you how to present yourself, connect with the judges, sabotage the competition.
Howard: Whoa, whoa. No one's sabotaging anybody.
Bernadette: Of course not. Little girls in ball growns trip. It happens. Trust me, I'm gonna be the pageant mom to you that my mom was to me.
Howard: I thought you hated your mom for making you do that.
Bernadette: (sternly) More talk like that and you're not getting any dinner!
(pleasantly)
Bernadette: Amazing how it all comes back.
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Eating, reading, watching television, listening to the radio. What does it look like I'm doing?
Amy: Is that asparagus? I thought you hate asparagus.
Sheldon: I thought so, too. But I also thought super-asymmetry was a good idea, so what else am I wrong about?
Amy: Oh, so now you're re-evaluating every opinion you've ever had?
Sheldon: Yes. I am following the example of 17th century philosopher Ren? Descartes. He subjected all his beliefs to radical doubt so that he could build a bedrock belief and build his cognitive life back up on firm principles.
(taking a bite of asparagus and spitting it out)
Sheldon: Ugh! Still yucky, still yucky.
Bernadette: Are you getting sick?
Howard: No, I have glitter in my nose.
Bernadette: Just your nose? Consider yourself lucky.
Sheldon: I know this is just a scientific theory, but to me, it was more than that. It described the universe in a new and beautiful way. I want that to be the universe we live in, but I guess it's not.
Penny: Amy, would you like to shoot the arrow?
Leonard: (she sets it on fire, and he puts the dish in the tub) It's kind of beautiful, isn't it?
Amy: Yeah, it is.
Sheldon: It's getting kind of close to the curtain.
Leonard: It's in water. It's fine.
Penny: (the shower curtain catches on fire) Oh!
Leonard: Oh!
Penny: Oh!
Sheldon: Looks like we both had theories that were wrong.
Amy: "Fine with Flags"?
Sheldon: Yes. Flags. Up there flapping around on poles. If you think about it, they're just the strippers of the emblem world.
Amy: Well, I got something that I might cheer you up. It is the emergency pep talk you made when you were a kid.
Sheldon: Oh, that. I was saving that for the day they stop making "Star Wars" movies. I don't think that's ever gonna happen.
Amy: How long has it been since you've seen it?
Sheldon: Not since the day I recorded it. No, I had just watched "Back to the Future II", where Marty McFly gets a glimpse of his future self and that got me thinking, the day may come where I needed my help, like they did with that movie. That was not great.
Amy: Sheldon, I know you're upset about the paper, okay? I'm upset, too.
Sheldon: I mean, I was so sure we were right. Every fiber of my being felt like this was it. This was the one. How can I trust my instincts anymore?
Amy: Well, just because our theory was wrong, that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything.
Sheldon: Doesn't it? I've always thought I hated jazz. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once.
(he turns the stereo on; after a moment, he turns it off in impatience)
Sheldon: I'm trying! I'm really trying!
Howard: What's all this?
Bernadette: Your magic tricks from the garage. Your wands, your top hat with the stuffed mouse inside.
Howard: I never had a stuffed mouse.
Bernadette: Okay, do not wear this hat.
Howard: Why is it all in the living room?
Bernadette: Because I think the Great Howdini deserves to be a member of the Magic Castle.
Howard: That's sweet, but I'm not that guy anymore. I've outgrown it.
Bernadette: (holding up an old pair of skinny jeans to his waist) Have you?
Young Sheldon: Sheldon, never forget. No matter how bad things seem, you al...
Sheldon: (seeing the video has been taped over) What? What... No! N... My dad taped over it with one of his stupid high school football games!
Amy: Sorry.
Sheldon: You know, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
Amy: Is there anything I can do?
Sheldon: Yes. You can build me a time machine so I can go back and tell my younger self to give up, because nothing's gonna work out the way he wants.
(he storms off to the bedroom and shuts the door)
Amy: (quietly) I was thinking a nice cup of leaf soup.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon and Amy are still pretty upset about their theory being disproved.
Leonard: So we have made a list of subjects for everyone to avoid.
Penny: Symmetry.
Leonard: Asymmetry.
Penny: Oh, "Sim City". Sounds too much like symmetry.
Leonard: That also applies to "The Simpsons", Simba from "The Lion King" and cymbals.
Penny: Russia or Russian in any context. The country, the dressing, the roulette.
Leonard: Uh, also, no talk of "Rocky IV".
Bernadette: Why "Rocky IV"?
Howard: Because he fights a Russian.
(to Penny and Leonard)
Howard: I'm sorry about her.
Penny: Ever since his paper got disproven, he's been a wreck. He's been sad and... and angry. He just seems kind of broken.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it sounds like he may be grieving.
Penny: Really? Over a theory?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Of course. You can grieve over any emotional loss. The more you care about something, the greater the trauma of losing it.
Leonard: Oh, boy. He cared about this a lot.
Penny: Yeah. What can we do to help him?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, grieving is a process. Every culture has its own rituals and traditions to facilitate mourning. The ancient Egyptians had their mummification, the Tibetans had their sky funerals...
Leonard: And when I was little and my dog died, my mom sat me down and very gently told me that she wished the truck had hit my dad instead.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I was trying to lighten the mood. Your dog had just died.
Leonard: Look, t-this might seem strange, but, uh, we thought it might help you get some closure if you had a chance to properly say goodbye to your paper.
Penny: Yeah, you know, we could say a few words, you could talk about what it meant to you, and-and we could bury it somewhere.
Amy: You mean have a funeral for our theory?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous.
Leonard: I thought so, too, but my mom thought it might work.
Sheldon: (perking up) Beverly thought it would help? We should try it.
Leonard: Wha... how come when you thought it was my idea...
Sheldon: Leonard, please, this is not about you.
Amy: He's re-thinking everything. How long is it gonna be before he gets to me?
Penny: (sympathetic) Oh...
Leonard: It's that bad, huh?
Amy: I'm afraid so. I just... I don't know what to do.
Leonard: I have something that might help. It's... it's a recording of the only person whose opinion Sheldon actually respects.
Amy: Hawking? Feynman?
Leonard: Himself.
(retrieving a VHS tape from a wall safe)
Leonard: It's a pep talk he made when he was a kid. He gave it to me years ago and told me to save it for a real emergency.
Penny: What? You didn't break it out when he declared his room a sovereign nation and waged a trade war against us?
Leonard: His major export is talking. I didn't want that anyway.
Howard: Hello. I'm the Great Howdini from Altadena, California. I have no brothers or sisters and my favorite thing to eat is grilled cheese.
Raj: (unimpressed) When does the magic start?
Bernadette: It already started.
Bernadette: Is that a VCR?
Howard: Yeah. Amy asked if we had one she could borrow, and I just want to make sure it still works.
Bernadette: What's on the tape?
Howard: Not sure. I used to record a lot of "Jeopardy!" for my mom, but if I push play and you see some naked people...
Bernadette: Got it. What is porn?
Howard: Ooh, we were looking for "vintage '80s erotica", but I'll accept it.
Sheldon: It's interesting. I've always thought that my father's journey and my own were so different, but he also faced failure and setbacks. Maybe our lives mirrored each other more than I thought.
Amy: So, from one viewpoint, you and your father's lives are asymmetrical, but from another vantage point, they're symmetrical. Sheldon, what if symmetry and asymmetry are observer-relative? That would mean that the Russian paper was right...
Sheldon: But only from one perspective. If we look at it from a deeper view in more dimensions, our theory still stands.
Amy: Not only stands, i-it might be an even bigger idea than the one we were originally proposing!
Sheldon: Go get your laptop. We have a paper to fix.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: (glancing at the paused tape) Thanks, Dad. We're gonna give 'em hell.
Bernadette: Come on, you're a good magician.
Howard: Really? You always called magic dumb.
Bernadette: You can be good at something dumb. You know what? You should audition now.
Howard: It's fine. I don't need to be a member of the most elite magical society on the face of the earth.
Bernadette: Sounds like you still want it. And I don't want our kids to see this tape one day and think their dad is a quitter.
Howard: We don't have to show it to them.
Bernadette: Oh, I am definitely showing it to them.
Penny: How you guys doing?
Amy: A little better, if you can believe it.
Leonard: (seeing him face-down on the couch) Sheldon?
Sheldon: (muffled) Go away.
Leonard: Buddy, come on, let us help you.
Sheldon: The only person who could help me was erased by the Medford High Wolves.
Penny: Oh, that's funny. My high school was also the Wolves.
(seeing his look)
Penny: No? Not now? Okay.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: To what do I owe this call?
Leonard: I need your professional advice.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, I'd love to help you out, dear, but I'm very busy at the moment. Perhaps we can schedule a time next week.
Penny: It's about Sheldon.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh. Well, I-I suppose I can spare a minute or two.
Leonard: Wh-why did you just say you're too busy, but...
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, please. Not everything is about you.
Bernadette: Hey, I'm gonna take tomorrow off so we can spend the whole day running the act.
Howard: You know what? It has been so much fun working on this with you, but...
Bernadette: But what?
Howard: It hasn't. I'm not gonna audition.
Bernadette: Hey, I didn't raise a quitter!
Howard: You didn't raise me at all!
Amy: Oh, look how cute you were!
Sheldon: Amy, please. Of course I was cute. Look how I turned out.
Amy: Well, that was a nice speech. Too bad it didn't work.
Sheldon: Maybe it did.
Amy: What do you mean?
Sheldon: I've been acting like the game is over, but it's only halftime. And there's a lot more physics left to play.
Amy: Wow. Was that your first-ever sports metaphor?
Sheldon: It was! And I think it was a home run. That's two!
Penny: Whatcha eatin'?
Leonard: Chicken-fried steak.
Penny: What? You can't have chicken-fried steak first thing in the morning!
Leonard: Hey, you knew I was a bad boy when you married me. Come on, you want a piece of this?
Penny: You, or the steak?
Leonard: Me. I'm not sharing the steak.
Amy: Is that your dad?
Sheldon: It is.
Amy: I've only seen pictures of him.
George Sr.: (on the tape) I know we're down, by a lot. And to be honest with you, we're probably not gonna win this one. In fact, we're definitely not gonna win this one.
Amy: Do you want me to turn it off?
George Sr.: But we're not gonna quit, either. And if we do lose, you need to know that doesn't make you losers. You learn as much about who you are and what you're made of from failing as you do from success. Maybe more. So you can spend the next half feeling sorry for yourselves, or you can get out there and give 'em hell!
Georgie: Yeah! Let's give 'em hell!
George Sr.: Oh... watch your mouth, your mom might...
Sheldon: (pausing the tape) I remember that game.
Amy: Did they win?
Sheldon: Oh, no. No, they lost so bad, the other team let one of their cheerleaders try to kick a field goal.
Amy: I'm really worried about Sheldon. I've never seen him this down.
Penny: Have you tried making him a cup of tea?
Amy: He's re-evaluated tea. Now he thinks it's nothing but leaf soup.
Leonard: That's a good point.
Penny: No, it's not.
Leonard: No, it's not.
Bernadette: Look, I get that you're scared, but we just have to push past that.
Howard: I'm not scared. I don't like the act. It's over the top and weird and has more jazz hands than magic.
Bernadette: Why didn't you say something earlier?
Howard: You seemed like you were so happy, and then when I tried to say something, you seemed like you were so mad.
Bernadette: Hey, this isn't about me. I just wanted you to have your dream, and I wanted to control everything about how you looked and acted so that your victory was mine!
Howard: Well, that's... honest.
Bernadette: Put it back on. You look adorable.
Howard: It's just a practice tape from when I was trying to become a member of the Magic Castle.
Bernadette: I didn't know you auditioned there.
Howard: Oh, I never went through with it. I watched the tape and realized I wasn't good enough. You know that trick where you saw a mannequin in half?
Bernadette: Don't you mean a lady?
Howard: Thank God it was not a lady. I'd just be getting out of jail.
Sheldon: Why are you watching that?
Amy: I'm just looking to see if there's anything left of your speech.
Sheldon: It's not important. I remember everything I said.
Amy: And?
Sheldon: It was good. It just would've meant more coming from me.
Penny: We should just try and avoid anything that makes them think of their project or science or Nobel Prizes or successes or failures.
Amy: (entering) Hi.
(calls of greeting)
Amy: What are you guys doing?
Bernadette: Nothing.
Sheldon: Nothing? Like what my career has come to? Thanks a lot!
(He leaves, upset)
Howard: (to Bernadette) Nice going.
Young Sheldon: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello, Sheldon.
Young Sheldon: If you're watching this, I assume something bad has happened. Something unfortunate and unforeseen. Something that's making you question everything.
Sheldon: I'm so smart.
Young Sheldon: Now just to make sure it's really you watching this and not an imposter, what am I thinking of? On the count of three. One, two, three.
Young Sheldon, Sheldon: Robot monkey butler.
Young Sheldon: Okay, good.
Amy: Should I leave you two alone?
Bernadette: Howard and I have been working really hard on his audition, so it'll be helpful to get another set of eyes on it.
Raj: Well, as someone who's watched every episode of "America's Got Talent", I'm getting pretty good at telling when some American's got talent. Seriously. Heidi and I agree, like, 90% of the time.
Bernadette: All right. Don't be afraid to be brutally honest. Like my mom used to say when I was doing pageants, "Tears only make your eyes sparkle brighter."
Raj: That is both sad and true. Half my Instagram is after a good cry.
Amy: Why can't we get a grad student to do it?
Sheldon: We can't trust our paper to a millennial. They'll put unicorn emojis all over it and post it on social media.
Amy: Why would they do that?
Sheldon: Economic anxiety, too much avocado toast, who knows!
Bernadette: I wanted to talk to Stuart. Is he around?
Denise: No. Doctor's appointment.
Bernadette: Is he okay?
Denise: Not since I've known him.
Bernadette: Which brings up a question: You and Stuart. Why?
Denise: My parents used to run a funeral home. Read into that what you will.
Penny: Video games? Is this some kind of Freaky Friday thing where you're actually Howard?
Bernadette: If I were Howard, I'd be doing this.
(Looks down her own blouse)
Bernadette: And I must say, he's not wrong.
Sheldon: You're probably wondering why I put you through this.
Leonard: You mean the last two minutes or the last twenty years?
Amy: What if we ask one of our friends to help us out? How about Leonard?
Sheldon: I don't know. Can we trust him?
Amy: He's your best friend in the whole world.
Sheldon: Yes, but he always struck me as the guy in the plane crash who doesn't wait until you're all the way dead to eat you.
Denise: And now my question: You and Howard. Why?
Bernadette: You got eyes. What do you think?
Penny: So you've been using Sheldon as an excuse to get out of seeing your mother?
Amy: I know. I feel terrible. I love my mom, but, you know, sometimes...
Penny: Yeah. We-we've met her. Yeah.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy.
Amy: Hey, how's it going?
Sheldon: Well, Howard lured your father away with magic, so now I'm bonding with your mom.
(seeing Mrs. Fowler's hard stare)
Sheldon: I think she likes me.
Penny: Hey. You look deep in thought.
Leonard: Ah, I'm just reflecting.
Penny: About what?
Leonard: The first time we slept together.
Penny: Oh, honey, don't beat yourself up. It's great now.
Amy: (entering) This is not good. Sheldon is hanging out with my mom.
Leonard: Yeah, o-one sec.
(to Penny)
Leonard: Wh-what do you mean "don't beat myself up"?
Amy: Guys, focus. My mom thinks that Sheldon is the reason I don't spend a lot of time with her.
Penny: Well, why would she think that?
Amy: Because I told her. Do you need a cup of coffee? Wake up!
Bernadette: What's going on, Raj?
Raj: Well, how would you guys feel about going to India for my wedding?
Amy: Oh, that's so exciting!
Leonard: Penny, you will never guess what I have planned for Valentine's Day.
Mrs. Fowler: Thank you, Amy. It's so nice of you to have us over for dinner.
Amy: Couldn't think of a single reason not to.
Sheldon: Yeah, and boy, did she try.
Raj: Oh, I am stuffed! I should not have eaten all those dumplings.
Anu: I think we should have sex.
Raj: (playing it cool after almost crashing the car) Me, too.
Anu: Yeah, it's just we haven't done it yet, and I think it's important to make sure we're compatible before we get married.
Raj: Oh, I totally agree. Oh, just one question. While we're doing it, can I leave my shirt on? You know, the dumplings, pretty salty.
Anu: It doesn't have to be tonight. How about this weekend? I can get us a room at my hotel.
Raj: Okay. Sounds nice. We can order a bunch of room service, because I'm not eating anything between now and then.
Anu: Aw. Are you worried?
Raj: I am not worried. If anything, I'm overconfident. Edging into smug.
Anu: I'm sure it's gonna be fine.
Raj: Oh, it's gonna be better than fine. Trust me, I've had no complaints.
Anu: Good to know.
Raj: Well, I've had questions, comments, some constructive criticism, but... no complaints.
Raj: Oh, my god, oh, my god, she just texted. She's on her way up!
Penny: Raj, calm down. You got this.
Raj: Yes, thank you. Thank you. I got this.
Penny: And just remember, the most important thing is to have fun.
Raj: Stop putting so much pressure on me!
Raj: Hey, Leonard, can you pause the game for a second?
Leonard: Uh, hang on. I'm about to beat Howard.
(Howard pauses the game)
Leonard: What? Hey!
Howard: What? He's our friend. What's up, pal?
Bernadette: I'll tell you one thing. Lock the door.
Penny: Yeah, Raj, you're gonna be fine. Just break out some of your Kama Sutra moves.
Raj: I don't really know any of that stuff. I just pretend I do to impress women. And by the way, Anu is Indian; she's gonna know there's no sexual position called a screeching lotus.
Bernadette: Screeching lotus?
Raj: Sometimes I get leg cramps. It's my cover story.
Raj: I don't know how else to say this, but, um, Anu and I are going to have sex tonight.
Howard: (a little too interested) Yeah...
Leonard: Do you know how creepy that sounds?
Howard: (in the same tone) Yeah...
Anu: Last night was... wonderful.
Raj: But all we did was talk.
Anu: Yeah. And it was wonderful. Am I safe to assume you talking to me now is a good sign for our marriage?
Raj: Yeah, and-and for my liver. Hey, about the other thing. Um... should we just wait for another night?
Anu: Or I go take a shower, and you decide how you want to play this.
(she heads to the bathroom, while he tries to figure out her meaning)
Anu: Take a shower with me, Raj.
Mrs. Fowler: Sheldon? What's going on? Where's Larry?
Sheldon: Oh, Turnip's out. I'm bonding with you.
Sheldon: It's called "Lethal Weapon", but isn't that redundant? Aren't weapons, but their very nature, lethal?
Larry Fowler: I suppose you're right.
Sheldon: And don't even get me started on "Unsolved Mysteries".
Larry Fowler: I didn't get you started on "Lethal Weapon".
Sheldon: After last night, I got to thinking that I should have a better relationship with your family.
Amy: I think the one you have with them is perfect.
Sheldon: I hardly have one at all.
Amy: Which is perfect.
Sheldon: Oh, Amy, they're important to you, and you're important to me. Therefore, according to the transitive property, they're important to me. It's the same reason I'm interested in your big, flat feet.
Amy: You know that my mom can be... well, difficult to get along with.
Sheldon: Which is why I'm starting with your dad and working my way up.
Amy: All right. I'm just worried you might have a rather unpleasant day.
Sheldon: Yeah, back at you. I watched the trailer for "The Grinch"; it looks terrible.
Raj: Hey, you guys have any plans for Valentine's Day?
Leonard: Three months from now? No.
Penny: What, no?
Leonard: I mean, secret romantic plans that would be ruined if I told you.
Raj: Hey, guys, before Anu gets here, can I talk about the seating situation? I really don't want her to sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Oh, no problem. Bernadette, floor.
Bernadette: Hey!
Howard: Yeah, you can't make my wife sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Fine. Howard, floor.
Penny: Fine, I'll sit on the floor.
Raj: Thank you, Penny. And Leonard, I was kind of hoping I could sit next to Anu.
Leonard: So now I have to sit next on the floor? It's my house. Why can't Sheldon sit on the floor?
Sheldon: That might be the dumbest thing you have ever said.
Raj: Hey, Pennny. I need your help. I am freaking out.
Penny: Okay, is she there yet?
Raj: No, I got here first. You know... get the lay of the land.
Penny: Raj, it's gonna be okay. Look, sex isn't the most important thing in a relationship. My first time with Leonard was nothing to write home about.
Raj: Really?
Penny: Yeah, but, you know, over time it got better.
Raj: S-So practice makes perfect?
Penny: Well, practice makes better.
Howard: What are you guys up to?
Sheldon: Oh, father-in-law/son-in-law bonding. It's going great. Look at what he bought me at the train store.
(he takes out and blows a whistle)
Sheldon: Yeah, it sounded louder in the car.
Howard: Cool. Can I see it?
Sheldon: (handing it over) Hmm? Sure.
Howard: Interesting. This is one of those disappearing whistles.
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Howard: (making it disappear) Voila.
Larry Fowler: Amazing. Where did it go?
Howard: Look in your pocket.
Larry Fowler: (taking it out) Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh, how did you do that?
Howard: Sorry, a magician never shares his secrets.
Larry Fowler: I'll give you a hundred bucks.
Howard: Sold!
Larry Fowler: Okay. Hey. Where's my wallet?
Howard: (making it appear) Voila.
Larry Fowler: (Howard shows him the "linked rings" trick) It's like you're actually magic.
Bernadette: You can do that, but you still can't get my bra off?
Howard: The rings don't roll their eyes at me.
Howard: Guys, guys, there's a simple solution.
Raj: I am not breaking up with her.
Howard: All right. Let's keep thinking.
Raj: (a few minutes later) Hey, everybody, it's Anu.
Anu: Hi.
Howard, Leonard, Penny, Bernadette, Amy: (all crammed onto one cushion) Hi!
Sheldon: (in his spot) Welcome!
Mrs. Fowler: Why would Amy feel the need to lie to me?
Sheldon: Well, maybe perhaps because you're her mother and she didn't want to disappoint you.
Mrs. Fowler: Really? Even afer she threw you under the bus, you're still gonna defend her.
Sheldon: Well, yes. She's my wife and I love her. And if I can forgive her for putting ketchup on her eggs, I can forgive her for this.
Mrs. Fowler: Her father does that. It's disgusting.
Sheldon: Amy's crazy. You are a delight.
Anu: Raj, what is going on?
Raj: (taking off his coat) No, no, it's not what's going on, it's what's coming off.
Anu: Stop it. You're acting weird, and it's freaking me out.
Raj: Why? Because I couldn't talk and ran in the bathroom to slug back a bottle of champagne when I pretended to pee?
Anu: Okay, I think I'm gonna leave.
Raj: No, no. Wait, wait. Don't... okay, don't go.
Anu: Fine. Then tell me what's going on.
Raj: Well, funny story...
Anu: The truth.
Raj: Oh, god, the truth is so not good for me.
Amy: You're up early.
Sheldon: Huh? Yes. I wanted to get a jump on planning a day of fun for you.
Amy: Oh, that's sweet. What are we doing?
Sheldon: Oh, no, just you. I have other plans. Now, would you prefer to see "The Grinch" in 2-D or 3-D?
Amy: I don't wanna see it at all.
Sheldon: Well, let's go 2-D. No sense in spending extra money.
Amy: What are you gonna be doing?
Sheldon: Being a great husband.
Amy: Yeah, you're gonna need to show your work on that.
Amy: Hi, daddy.
Larry Fowler: Hey, pumpkin.
Sheldon: Pumpkin! I've been calling her Spaghetti Squash. It's amazing that one woman can be different vegetables to different men.
Raj: For most of my life, I got so nervous around women that I couldn't talk to them without alcohol.
Anu: So you've been drunk every time we've seen each other?
Raj: No. No, it hasn't happened in a long time. And I really thought I was over it, but I guess... I don't know, I guess I-I wanted so much for tonight to go well, that I stressed myself out. It came back.
Anu: Why didn't you tell me about this before?
Raj: I was embarrassed.
Howard: What's up?
Sheldon: I need you to stop being so delightful.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: I'm supposed to be bonding with him. You have your own father-in-law. Leave mine alone.
Howard: Tell you what, you take my father-in-law, I'll take yours.
Sheldon: I don't want your father-in-law.
Howard: (doing the "coin behind the ear" trick) Well, what if I throw in a quarter?
Larry Fowler: (giddy like a little kid) Do it again! Do it again!
Anu: If it makes you feel any better, I've got things I'm embarrassed about, too.
Raj: Really? Will you tell me one?
Anu: Okay. Um... Ugh. I hate telling people this. I don't like music.
Raj: What kind of music?
Anu: Just... all of it. It sort of seems like a waste of time.
Raj: Even Beyonc??
Anu: See, this is why I don't tell people.
Raj: No. Um, it's fine. It's just, have you heard "Single Ladies"?
Anu: Yeah, and I don't get it. I mean, the lyrics are "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh."
Raj: Y-You have to sing it in the voice of a goddess. Like, uh...
Anu: (he hums the melody) My point is, we both have our little eccentricities.
Raj: Little eccentricities? One is a deep-seated psychological disturbance, and the other can be solved with half a glass of chardonnay.
Anu: Hi.
(suddenly unable to talk, Raj waves)
Anu: (awkwardly waving back) Everything okay?
(he heads towards the bathroom)
Anu: Why are you acting so weird?
(he takes a bottle of champagne and closes the door)
Anu: Raj? What's going on?
Raj: Be right out! You look beautiful!
Mrs. Fowler: Amy said she couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner because you always have to spend it with your mother.
Sheldon: I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my mother in years.
(to Amy)
Sheldon: Amy, why would you tell your mother that I spend Thanksgiving with my mother?
Amy: Uh... no time to talk about that now. All your action figures are on fire. Harrison Ford's in the lobby. Come quick.
Mrs. Fowler: And Amy never joins us for Sunday dinners because you refuse to go out on a school night.
Sheldon: Sh... I can go out on a school night as long as I'm in my PJs by 10:00.
Amy: Sheldon, don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She's crazy!
Mrs. Fowler: Hello, Amy.
Amy: (weakly) Hello, mother. Good news. We-we can come for Thanksgiving this year.
Sheldon: So the doctor prescribed Nizoral and it blocked enzyme action, and the fungus cleared right up.
Mrs. Fowler: That's a very disturbing picture.
Sheldon: Yes, well, they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but I say nothing beats a picture and a thousand words.
Mrs. Fowler: Still, you might wanna take it off Facebook.
Sheldon: Oh, no. It's in my nature to share.
Amy: Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?
Raj: Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.
Sheldon: Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
Penny: Really? My parents love Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah. And my mother loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.
Sheldon: So, how does this work with in-laws? Am I supposed to be calling you Dad? Because I don't want to.
Larry Fowler: You don't have to.
Sheldon: Oh, thanks, Larry. Ooh. That doesn't sound right. Maybe I should pick a vegetable for you.
Raj: Okay, you wanted the truth, here it is.
Anu: You have a drinking problem.
Raj: No. I, uh, I have a talking problem, and a drinking solution.
Sheldon: Can I feed peanuts to the elephants at your wedding?
Raj: That is such a stereotype!
Sheldon: There won't be any elephants?
Raj: Of course there'll be elephants. It's a stereotype that you feed them peanuts.
Larry Fowler: Would anyone like to see the magic trick Howard taught me?
Amy: I'd love to see your trick, daddy.
Larry Fowler: (standing up) A perfectly ordinary table knife. Watch closely.
(he makes it disappear)
Larry Fowler: Voila.
Amy: Oh, my gosh, that was so good.
(blood begins to seep from his hands)
Amy: Well, look, there's fake blood, too.
Larry Fowler: (hurrying to the bathroom) I'll be right back.
Mrs. Fowler: I don't know about you, but I don't really like magic.
Sheldon: You just keep getting better and better.
Howard: Hey, have you checked the dates on these? They're all expired.
Stuart: You buy candy in a comic book store, you get what you get.
Raj: Sorry, I had to use the facilities.
Anu: With a bottle of champagne?
Raj: Mm, I like to celebrate the little things in life. You need to go? There's still some left.
Mrs. Fowler: I can't believe it. All this time, I've been angry at you when I should have been angry at Amy.
Sheldon: Look at that. We're both angry at Amy. Maybe that's something we could bond over. Let me ask you this: how do you feel about Howard?
Mrs. Fowler: Oh, is he that odd little friend you have with the haircut?
Sheldon: I may have married the wrong Fowler.
Leonard: So, is this the first time?
Raj: Yeah.
Leonard: How you feeling about it?
Raj: Uh... to be honest, I'm pretty anxious. I mean, this is the woman I'm marrying. What if it's no good? Do we break up? Do we... sign on for a lifetime of mediocre sex?
Leonard: It's... just don't put so much pressure on it. I-It's always a little awkward in the beginning. I remember the first time I slept with Penny.
Raj: It was bad?
Leonard: Oh, dude, it was awesome! I will replay it in my head until the day I die.
Howard: Well, if it helps, I was really nervous my first time with Bernie, but mostly because I was worried my mom would walk in.
Leonard: Did she?
Howard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Other than Amy, have you ever had anything removed from your body?
Mrs. Fowler: I am not going to answer that.
Sheldon: Smart. Save something for our next get-together.
Leonard: What would you do?
President Siebert: I'd find some sap and put him in charge so I wouldn't have to be the bad guy.
Leonard: That's a really good ide... oh.
Amy: Sheldon's kind of like a dog. He doesn't really think about me when I'm gone, but he's so happy when I show up.
President Siebert: If I didn't think you were up to the task, you wouldn't have been 5th on my list.
Howard: You're not even considering mine? Why, because they're PhDs and I'm just an engineer?
Leonard: No, because they wrote detailed proposals, and you sent a YouTube clip of the guy from Jerry Maguire saying, "Show me the money!"
Bernadette: It's just that work's been crazy, and the minute I get home, I have two kids hanging on me, and sometimes I don't want babies pulling my hair and pinching my belly fat.
Penny: That'd be a good slogan for a condom company.
Howard: (Howard joins Sheldon walking down the corridor) Hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Howard: I see you are dressed as Doc Brown from Back to the Future. May I assume that Amy is going as his wife, Clara Clayton, from Back to the Future Part III?
Sheldon: She is.
Sheldon: (Sheldon stares at Howard) Did you do something different to your hair?
Howard: Yes.
Sheldon: Looking good.
(and walked off without realising Howard is dressing up as him)
Bernadette: It's hard to be taken seriously when you're always the smallest person in the room.
Sheldon: I know that. I was in high school when I was 9 years old. I tried to tell the other kids that although my physical stature was small, my intellectual stature towered over them. That only seemed to make things worse.
Bert: Really? An arranged marriage.
Raj: Yeah, I know how it sounds.
Bert: It sounds awesome. Is that just an Indian thing, or can I get a piece of that?
Bernadette: One time my brothers made me breathe helium. I tried to call for help, but the only one who could hear me was the dog.
Penny: So when was the last time you saw Howard in his astronaut uniform?
Bernadette: About a week ago.
Penny: Really? What was the occasion?
Bernadette: Date night. We do a little role playing.
Penny: What role do you play?
Bernadette: I am Ykatarina Nazdarovya, lonely Russian cosmonaut who is expert at physics and making of love.
Sheldon: I'm having a problem in my marriage. I've upset my wife and I don't know how to make it right.
Arthur Jeffries: And ya-and you're coming to me for advice? I-I upset my wife every time I woke up in the morning.
Sheldon: I'm not coming to you. You're just a manifestation of my subconscious. I mean I'm actually coming to me.
Arthur Jeffries: So you know everything I'm going to say.
Sheldon: Yes, but it sounds wiser from you because you're old and glowing.
Arthur Jeffries: Fine. Rule number one in a marriage - Don't go to bed angry.
Sheldon: That makes sense.
Arthur Jeffries: Rule number two in a marriage - If you don't recognize the shoes under your bed, they're not your shoes.
Sheldon: Because they're her shoes?
Arthur Jeffries: Ne-never mind. Just, just go with rule number one.
Amy: You got me removed from my own project?
Sheldon: Yeah, and it wasn't easy. Apparently, you're very difficult to replace. Just between you and me, they consider Dr. Park quite the step down.
Dr. Park: I was trying to pick my moment to leave. This seems like it.
Sheldon: I didn't know that Dagobah had delicatessens.
Arthur Jeffries: Not good ones. Whatever you do, don't order the Reuben.
Sheldon: President Siebert, how much do you know about physics?
President Siebert: I'm a physicist.
Sheldon: I would not have guessed that.
President Siebert: I have a doctorate from Indiana University.
Sheldon: That makes more sense, Well, don't worry, I'll go slow.
Leonard: You know, I was curious to find out what Tam had done wrong. Why am I not surprised the answer is nothing?
Sheldon: So you're taking his side. You scurvy dog. You watch yourself; there is room on my enemies list now that the cafeteria ladies finally told me what's in the chili. By the way, don't eat the chili. Wait, wait, wait. You know what? Do.
Leonard: (turning to leave) Be careful, Sheldon. I don't think you can afford to lose a second best friend. I don't see anyone lining up to be your third.
Sheldon: D... wait.
(typing on his laptop)
Sheldon: "Snarky comebacks..." Oh, here we go. "You have your entire life to be a jerk. Why not take today off?"
(rolling his eyes, Leonard leaves)
Sheldon: That was harsh, but he was asking for it.
Leonard: Sounds like Penny and Bernadette had fun last night.
Howard: I know. Bernie came home pretty drunk. She tried to sleep in the dryer.
Leonard: I'm glad you guys made up.
Sheldon: Well, I realized my life turned out great, and it's silly to hold a grudge.
Tam Nguyen: And I had no idea we were fighting, so it was easy.
Sheldon: Did she let you play with her train set?
Tam Nguyen: In a manner of speaking.
Raj: (On the phone) Just do me a favor and stay away from her.
(Hangs up)
Penny: Ugh, God, now I feel bad.
Bernadette: I know. Maybe we should take her out again and do some damage control.
Penny: You know, that's a good idea. Think she can get us into SoHo House?
Bernadette: (acting giddy) I don't know, but we owe it to Raj to try.
Sheldon: When I moved to California, what did you do?
Tam Nguyen: I stayed in Texas.
Sheldon: (to the others) Do you believe this guy?
Howard: (Sheldon storms off) So, he was your best friend growing up?
Tam Nguyen: Yes.
Howard: Were there no other kids in Texas?
Amy: Hey, did you guys know that Sheldon a best friend growing up named Tam?
Leonard: Was that the imaginary talking koala?
Amy: No. He's a real person who apparently betrayed him.
Leonard: Yeah, so did the koala.
Amy: I tried to ask him about it, and he invoked section three, article five of the marriage contract: "beeswax, none of your". I can't pry. I mean, I have to respect his wishes.
Howard: Wow. I wonder what that guy could've done to make Sheldon not talk to him for twenty years.
Leonard: I wonder if it'd work a second time.
Raj: So you don't know what their fight was about?
George Cooper, Jr.: I wish I could help you, boys. But, you know, Sheldon used to keep an enemies list when he was a kid.
Leonard: Oh, he still does.
George Cooper, Jr.: Really? I figured that went the same way as his bathroom schedule.
Howard: If you mean digitized, annotated and put online, it did.
George Cooper, Jr.: Maybe that'll tell you something. Hey, while you're looking at it, if I'm still on there for peeing in his shampoo bottle... eh, you know what? Just leave it.
Bernadette: Check it out. LeBron James posted a picture of me and him on Instagram.
Penny: I don't see you.
Bernadette: Look right behind him.
Penny: (looking closer and squinting) No.
Bernadette: Okay. You see that table just past his left shoulder? Now go back two more tables and over to the right.
Penny: All I see is a yellow smudge.
Bernadette: That's me!
Sheldon: Leonard talked to Tam behind my back and took his side. And after what he did to me. Can you believe it?
Amy: No. I'm-I'm shocked and outraged. Now, tell me why I'm shocked and outraged.
Sheldon: Hello Tam. Thank you for coming. I just want you to know that, um... I forgive you.
Tam Nguyen: I didn't do anything.
Sheldon: And yet, here I am, still being the bigger man.
Bernadette: Hi, daddy. No, everything's good. I just have a favor to ask. Yeah, so, my friend Raj is marrying this woman that he barely knows, and I wanted to see if you could use your connections to dig up any dirt on her. Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Love you.
Penny: (she hangs up) Is he in?
Bernadette: Absolutely not. He won't do it. It's totally illegal.
Penny: I thought you said he played by his own rules.
Bernadette: He does, but apparently, they're very similar to the actual rules.
Penny: I'm really worried about this whole Raj thing.
Bernadette: I know. He's so desperate to get married, which is weird, because I can't imagine we make it look that great.
Penny: I know, right? You know, if this woman's gonna be around, I think we should check her out a little. I looked online; she doesn't have an Instagram, which means she's either 80 or something's wrong with her.
Bernadette: Ooh, I could ask my dad. Maybe he can get some of his old cop buddies to do a background check on her.
Penny: Can he do that?
Bernadette: Of course. He's a retired cop who plays by his own rules.
Bernadette: Hey, Raj, I'm here with Penny.
Raj: What the hell did you two say to Anu?
Bernadette: (innocently) Uh... whatever do you mean?
Raj: Why, why would you tell her I wear ladies' deodorant?
Penny: (laughing) Uh, because you're a boy and it's really funny.
Raj: Oh, oh, okay. Pardon me for having the confidence to smell daisy-fresh.
Amy: (after listening to Sheldon) Not only did I drink the crazy milk, I also bought the crazy cow.
Sheldon: Howard, today is your lucky day. Leonard's out, you're my new best friend. Well, I'm not thrilled about it, either, but here we are. Okay, fine. Is Bernadette there? Sh... no. Just Stuart? Let me call you back.
Amy: (he hangs up) Let me guess. This thing with Tam escalated, and now you're mad at Leonard and looking for a new best friend?
Sheldon: You know me so well. It's too bad you can't be my best friend.
Amy: I can be.
Sheldon: Oh, you can't be my wife and my best friend. Who would I complain about you to?
Amy: You've got an e-mail from someone named Tam.
Sheldon: Tam? What does he want?
Amy: Uh... looks like he's coming to give his son a tour of CalTech. He's hoping you guys can meet up.
Sheldon: (scoffs) He would like that, wouldn't he?
Amy: Well, that's the gist of the e-mail.
Howard: All right, got his enemies list. Ooh, he updated the interface. You can search by first name, last name, or length of grudge.
Raj: Is Tam on it?
Howard: Let's see. Yep. Right here. Tam Nguyen.
Leonard: Great. What did he do?
Howard: Hold on. I have to agree to the terms of service. No, I'm not a robot. Okay. "Which of these are plants?". And we're in.
Raj: Great. What-what does it say?
Howard: Well... "He knows what he did."
Tam Nguyen: Sheldon, I needed to stay in Texas. And you needed to come here. I knew you were gonna do amazing things and meet amazing people who were gonna respect you, because you're brilliant. And because they never had to fish you out of a dumpster.
Sheldon: Well, they have, but it was during my short-lived parkour phase.
Leonard: What is going on with you?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
Leonard: Well, I'm sure you have a perfectly stupid reason.
Sheldon: I don't do anything for a stupid reason. Except perhaps Talk Like a Pirate Day, and I'd argue that's more whimsical than stupid.
Tam Nguyen: Sheldon, so good to see you.
Sheldon: (impersonally) Tam.
Tam Nguyen: It's been a long time.
Sheldon: Hm, not long enough to erase the sting of betrayal.
Tam Nguyen: How did I betray you?
Sheldon: You know what you did.
Raj: Uh, let me catch you up. He does not.
Raj: If Tam knows what he did, we can just ask him. He's gonna be on campus tomorrow showing his son around.
Leonard: Won't that make Sheldon mad?
Raj: Everything makes Sheldon mad.
Howard: Yeah. Look at his list. Jim Henson for, quote, "putting a terrifying, giant yellow bird on television and in my nightmares."
Leonard: Why did you and Sheldon stop being friends? What did you do?
Raj: And don't worry, even though we just met you, we think you're right and he's wrong.
Amy: Hey, watcha doing?
Sheldon: (on his laptop) Improving our wedding photos.
Amy: Oh, that's nice. Wait, I'm still in them, right?
Sheldon: Of course. And not only you. I've added some guests who couldn't be there.
Amy: (sitting down and looking at the screen) Who's that next to my father?
Sheldon: The Wright brothers.
Amy: And why are they at our wedding?
Sheldon: Orville, because I admire him; Wilbur, because he was Orville's plus-one.
Bernadette: So, are you actually engaged to this woman you just met?
Raj: Yeah.
Penny: Tell us the truth. Did she get you pregnant?
Sheldon: When I got accepted to grad school at CalTech, I was afraid to move so far away from home. So Tam said he'd move out here with me and be my roommate. Then, over the summer, he got a girlfriend, even after reading all the pamphlets I gave him about social diseases.
Amy: Aw, I remember when you gave me those pamphlets.
Sheldon: Anyway, Tam stayed with her in Texas, and I had to move out here all by myself.
Amy: That must've been scary.
Sheldon: It was. I was lonely, and I thought I'd never make a friend again. And for a long time, I didn't.
Amy: But then you did. And great friends. If you think about it, if Tam had moved out here with you, who knows what your life would've been like.
(flashbacks to various episodes, with Tam in place of Leonard)
Sheldon: No, my life would've still been great.
Leonard: Tam Nguyen?
Tam Nguyen: Yes. Is my son done with his tour?
Howard: No idea. We're actually friends of Sheldon Cooper.
Tam Nguyen: Oh, I've been trying to get in touch with him, but I never heard back. Is he okay?
Leonard: If you mean physically, yes.
Howard: If you mean every other way, no.
George Cooper, Jr.: Yeah, sure, I remember Tam, Sheldon's little Vietnam buddy. The two of them were always running around together.
Leonard: So, what happened?
George Cooper, Jr.: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, I mean, Sheldon never talks about him. They haven't spoken in years. He wasn't at the wedding.
George Cooper, Jr.: He wasn't? All right, well, this is embarrassing, 'cause I had a long conversation with someone who I thought was Tam.
Leonard: I still can't believe Sheldon had a best friend we've never heard about.
Raj: (singsong) Ooh, somebody's jealous.
Leonard: I'm not jealous.
Howard: Leonard, this is a safe space. It's okay to be vulnerable.
Leonard: All I'm saying is you know the timing of a fellow's bowel movements, you don't think there's a lot left to discover.
Amy: Who's Tam?
Sheldon: He was my best friend in the whole world growing up.
Amy: Really? Why have I never heard you mention him before?
Sheldon: Oh, of course I have. I'm sure I've mentioned him, like, five times this week.
Amy: I don't think you have.
Sheldon: (irritably, counting on his fingers) Tam! Tam! Tam! Tam Tam! There. It's only Thursday.
Stuart: (to Denise) Wanna see my room?
Denise: Yeah.
Stuart: Cool.
(And they head off)
Bernadette: (to Howard, quietly) How do you feel about this?
Howard: She can clearly do better, but that's not for me to say.
Bernadette: No. Them in his room. Doing stuff.
Howard: C'mon. We're sitting right out here. They're not going to do anything.
(as soon as that's out of his mouth, suddenly Sade's "Smooth Operator" starts playing loudly from his room)
Howard: I'd like to change my answer.
Stuart: I wanted to look my best for our date. and I made a series of bad decisions, one of which is hidden by my pants.
Denise: Wow.
Stuart: Do you still wanna go out with me?
Denise: Absolutely. Hey, maybe we can go find Nemo together.
Sheldon: But I think, by the end of the honeymoon, we really started to feel like a married couple.
Amy: But the good kind, like on TV, not like my parents.
Howard: You're not a real married couple until you can pee with the door open and she's okay with it.
Bernadette: I told you, I'm not okay with it.
Howard: She loves it.
Amy: (unpacking) So, we got everybody gifts.
Leonard: Did you forget about us until you were at the airport?
Sheldon: No. We forgot about you until we were on the plane. Luckily, there was Wi-Fi, and I have Amazon Prime.
Raj: Hmm, smells like Paco Rabanne.
Stuart: Oh, you're good. I bought it at a swap meet. It's actually called "Smells like Paco Rabanne".
Bernadette: "I heart New York". Aw, the baby's gonna love throwing up on this.
Sheldon: Look, it doesn't have to just be New York. That's the beauty of it. Uh, the initials "N.Y." can stand for anything you like. For instance, I understand that there is an elderly rock-and-roll musician named Neil Young. Perhaps you heart him.
(pause)
Sheldon: Or if not him, Egyptian table tennis silver medalist Noha Yossry. Or Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who starred in Sally the Witch.
Raj: Did you just Google the initials "N.Y."?
Sheldon: I had Wi-Fi and a long plane flight. Draw your own conclusions.
Raj: Don't let love get away. It is the most important thing in the world. Without it, life is dark and meaningless and all you're left with is the judgmental gaze of your dog as you finish off a bag of Doritos on the toilet.
Amy: So, do you know what it is?
Bert: Of course I know what it is. It's a silicon dioxide crystal, also known as quartz.
Sheldon: Are you sure?
Bert: Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic extrusive of igneous rock formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron-rich lava? Yeah, I'm sure.
Dr. Koothrappali: If I'm going to find a woman to set you up with, you're going to need to stop Instagramming pictures of you and your dog wearing matching sweaters.
Dr. Koothrappali: I can't just call up some girl's dad and make her marry you. It's not 2015 any more.
Denise: Do you think when Krypto the Superdog is out flying, Superman has to fly after him with a little baggie?
Stuart: Hmm, I've never really thought about it before, but he doesn't need a baggie because he just blasts the poop with his heat vision.
Denise: You've thought about it before.
Stuart: Oh, I've thought about it a lot.
Sheldon: Lego is the perfect metaphor for marital congress. Two pieces that interlock with a satisfying snap.
Amy: Make all the schedules you want. Just don't tell me about them.
Sheldon: Excellent. I'll create an algorithm that'll generate a pseudo-random schedule. And do you know why it won't be a true random schedule?
Amy: Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science.
Sheldon: Come with me.
Amy: Where are we going?
Sheldon: To the hotel room. And when we get there, I'm gonna need you to say that again, except naked.
Sheldon: (With a big cute smile on his face)
Sheldon: Good morning, wife.
Amy: (She wakes up and smiles) Good morning, husband. I can't believe we're actually married.
Sheldon: It's official. According to tradition, we should hang the bed sheets outside so the villagers can see that we consummated.
Amy: (as Sheldon gets out of bed) I don't think that's appropriate considering where we're starting our honeymoon.
Sheldon: Well, I supposed you're right.
(He then opens the curtain in the hotel room to show the main entrance to Legoland California)
Neil deGrasse Tyson: That was fun. Let's see who else needs a deGrasse kickin'.
Sheldon: There's something I need to tell you.
(seeing Amy in her wedding dress)
Sheldon: Wow! You look amazing! That's not what I need to tell you. But you do!
Amy: What's wrong?
Sheldon: Something incredible just happened. Remember when you were telling me about my bow tie and how a little asymmetry is good?
Amy: Yeah?
Sheldon: My equations have been trying to describe an imperfect world, and the only way to do that is to introduce imperfection into the underlying theory.
Amy: So, instead of supersymmetry, it would be super asymmetry?
Sheldon: (gasp) Super asymmetry. That's it!
(looking around for a moment)
Sheldon: Give me your lipstick.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Just give it to me, you beautiful thing! We have work to do!
Mrs. Fowler: This is taking too long. I bet that Sheldon stood my baby up.
(She gets up to leave)
Penny: Uh, excuse me. Where-where are you going?
Mrs. Fowler: This whole thing was a big mistake. I'm gonna find Amy and get her out of here.
Penny: (Firmly, pointing to her chair) Sit down!
Mrs. Fowler: (walks closer to her) Excuse me?
Penny: Sheldon loves Amy, and he would never hurt her on her wedding day, or *any* other day,
(points at her chair again)
Penny: so *park it*.
(Mrs. Fowler sits down; Mary stands and begins a slow hand clap)
Penny: Oh, you siddown, too.
Mrs. Fowler: (to Larry) Are you going to let her talk to me like that? Well, say something!
Larry Fowler: (to Penny, quietly) Thank you.
Howard: Hey, uh, the bride and groom seem to be running a little behind. Do you think you could stall?
Mark Hamill: Stall? How?
Howard: Hey, everybody! Uh, it's gonna be a few more minutes, but while we wait, does anyone have any questions about "Star Wars"?
(a good majority of the wedding guests raise their hands)
Howard: You got this.
Sheldon: Amy, you said something about my bow tie that I can't stop thinking about.
Amy: Don't you mean...
(trying to sound like a Texan)
Amy: "Y'all said something 'bout my bow tie." Go on, say it.
(urging him)
Amy: No. Say it.
Sheldon: (seeing Leonard fighting back tears) Are you having an allergic reaction to my boutonniere?
Leonard: No. I'm just so happy for you. And for me. After today, you are officially - and more important, legally - Amy's problem.
Sheldon: Don't be silly, Leonard. I will always be your problem.
George Cooper, Jr.: Where's mom?
Raj: Uh, she wanted to stop by the hotel and freshen up, and then call her pastor to pray for Missy's soul.
Bernadette: What the hell is that?
Howard: Come on, you know this one. It's a... dog. I found him in the back yard. Don't worry, I already called the owner.
Bernadette: Good, 'cause we don't need a dog. We already have two babies, you and Stuart.
Howard: (the doorbell rings) That's probably him.
(opening the door, he's stunned to see Mark Hamill)
Mark Hamill: Hi.
Howard: I'm gonna need a minute.
(he shuts the door)
Howard: (in a high-pitched fanboy shriek) That's Mark Hamill!
Mary Cooper: Let me straighten your tie.
Sheldon: No, no, no, it's all right. It's supposed to be a little asymmetrical. Apparently, a small flaw somehow improves it.
Mary Cooper: I can see that. Sometime's it's the... imperfect stuff that makes things perfect.
Sheldon: (a thought strikes him) Excuse me.
(he hurries out of the room)
Mary Cooper: Case in point.
George Cooper, Jr.: Hey, uh, I got a question. Why aren't there tires on any of those "Star Wars" vehicles?
Mark Hamill: I'm sure some of them had tires.
Stuart: Uh, actually, they don't. I mean, the HAVw A5 turbo tank has metal gripping wheels, but I wouldn't call them tires.
Denise: You are so hot.
Mrs. Fowler: And did you know that my Amy played Amelia Earhart in the eighth grade?
Penny: Amy, you never said you were in a school play.
Mrs. Fowler: Oh, no, no, at home. I'd never let her do a school play. Those kids just take drugs and have intercourse.
Leonard: (Penny holds up her wine glass and Leonard refills it without missing a beat) You know, Amy still does some performing. She and Sheldon do an Internet show about flags.
Mrs. Fowler: Amy? V-Videos on the Internet? You know what men use those for.
Raj: If you're talking about "Fun with Flags", I use it to go to sleep.
Amy: Sheldon, when I was a little girl, I used to dream about my wedding. But, eventually, I stopped, because I thought that day would never come. And then I met you. From the first moment in that coffee shop, I knew that there was something special between us, even though I did work on a study that disproved love at first sight.
Sheldon: I loved that study the moment I read it. Ironic, huh?
Amy: Clearly, it was wrong. Because I felt something that day, and those feelings have only gotten stronger with time. I can't imagine loving you more than I do right now. But I felt that way yesterday and the day before yesterday and the day before that.
Sheldon: Is that growth linear or accelerating?
Amy: Accelerating.
Sheldon: Oh, maybe we could graph it out.
Leonard: Save something for the honeymoon.
Sheldon: Smart.
Amy: Sheldon, I don't know what the future holds, but I know that I've never been happier than I am in this moment marrying you.
Mark Hamill: (choking up) Well, that was unexpectedly beautiful. I might need a minute.
Mary Cooper: Thank you again for picking us up.
Raj: Oh, my pleasure, Mrs. Cooper.
Mary Cooper: You know, our driver to the airport was also an Indian fella.
Missy: Mom...
Mary Cooper: Oh, so now it's racist to notice when somebody's Indian.
Raj: I don't think it's racist. I noticed you were both white.
Amy: That was Wil Wheaton. He's really excited about tomorrow.
Sheldon: As am I. If you'd have told me as a child that an actor from "Star Trek" would be officiating my wedding, I would've said, "Ooh, William Shatner?" And, if you'd have said, "No, Wil Wheaton", I'd have said "Well, did you even try William Shatner?" And, if you'd have said, "Yes, but he costs too much money", I'd have said "Ah, well, Wil Wheaton's good, too."
Mark Hamill: We're here to celebrate the marriage of Sheldon Lee Cooper and Amy Farrah Fowler. I had more prepared, but I'm just gonna skip to the rings and vows, since I've been answering your questions for forty-five minutes.
Stuart: (quietly to Denise, derisively) Yeah, he answered 'em.
Mark Hamill: We are gathered here today in the sight of family, friends, and Almighty God.
Sheldon: Oh, that's too religious.
Mark Hamill: That lady over there made me say it.
Mary Cooper: (Sheldon and Amy turn to look at her) He heard you, and He can't un-hear you.
Wil Wheaton: So, we finally meet.
Mark Hamill: I'm sorry, who are you?
Wil Wheaton: I'm Wil Wheaton. I was supposed to officiate this wedding. I was up all night preparing these notes.
Mark Hamill: (taking the notebook) Well, thanks so much. It's gonna be a great help.
Raj: When you were on the, uh, Wookie home planet, how did you even understand what they were saying?
Mark Hamill: I don't remember ever being on a Wookie home planet.
Stuart: Uh, actually, Luke was on the Wookie home planet, Kashyyyk, in the "Holiday Special" when he helped Chewie get home to his wife.
Mark Hamill: Chewie had a wife?
Stuart: Her name's Malla.
Denise: Wow, that's impressive.
Stuart: (self-appreciative) Yeah.
Stuart: Hey, dude.
Denise: Dude?
Stuart: Yeah, you know, just want you to know that I don't think of you as a woman.
Denise: Oh, perfect. I don't think of you as a man.
Stuart: Great. So, as two genderless blobs of human flesh, how would you like to go to Sheldon and Amy's wedding with me?
Denise: Oh, Stuart. Look, I appreciate that, but it just might be a little weird, considering you're my boss.
Howard: (entering) Guess who's gonna officiate Sheldon and Amy's wedding! Mark Hamill! Luke Skywalker is gonna be at the wedding!
Denise: (to Stuart) You'll need to buy me a dress.
Amy: So, you're Sheldon's big brother.
George Cooper, Jr.: Uh, yeah. He got the brains. I got the bod. And the face and the hair.
Amy: I like your accent. Sheldon, did you used to sound like that? Can you still?
Sheldon: I can. I will not.
Raj: Oh, my god. Is that Mark Hamill?
Howard: Yeah.
Bert: Oh, my god. Is that...
Raj: (cutting him off) Bert, go find your seat!
Mark Hamill: Then by the power vested in me by evenyoucanperformweddings.com, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Mary Cooper: I wish your dad could see you now.
Sheldon: Me, too. I miss him.
Mary Cooper: He would be so proud of you. I know that I am.
Sheldon: Thank you. I mean, for everything. My whole life.
Mary Cooper: Oh.
(She and Sheldon embrace with tears)
Sheldon: I'm so glad you made it, Missy. This is my fianc?e, Amy. Amy, this is my sister. If I ever need a kidney, this is where you get it.
Amy: (hugging her) It's so nice to meet you.
Missy: Aw.
Amy: I've always wanted a sister.
Sheldon: Really? Why?
Missy: I love you too, Shelly.
Leonard: Really? Why?
Mark Hamill: Thank you so much for finding this guy. Oh, my goodness. Hey, Bark. How are you, buddy?
Howard: Y-Your dog's name is Bark?
Mark Hamill: Yeah.
Howard: Bark Hamill?
Mark Hamill: Yeah. Well, I let the fans name him online. I got lucky, though. He was almost Honey Baked Hamill. Anyway, thank you so much. I-I want to give you a reward for finding him.
Howard: Oh, no, I couldn't take your money. It's just an honor to meet you.
Mark Hamill: No. No, please. You don't know what this dog means to me, and I thought he was gone for good. Please? There must be something I can do for you. Anything.
Howard: Oh, you're gonna regret that.
Leonard: According to Google, there are zero papers that mention super asymmetry. This is brand-new. No one's thought of it.
Penny: (entering) What are you lunatics doing?
Amy: Sheldon had a breakthrough.
Sheldon: Well, actually, Amy and I had a breakthrough.
Penny: (sarcastic) Oh, science? Shocking!
Leonard: You don't understand. This could be really big.
Sheldon: No, Penny's right. We have our whole lives to do science together.
Amy: Let's get married.
Penny: (Excited) Alright! It's go time! I am *PUMPED*!
Mark Hamill: Congratulations on your wedding.
Sheldon: Thank you. When this is over, I have 4,000 things for you to sign.
Howard: Welcome, Bert. Don't you look nice.
Bert: Yeah. Like a geode, I clean up good.
Howard: Don't you crack a geode open?
Bert: It's not a perfect metaphor.
Amy: So, are you feeling okay? No wedding jitters?
Sheldon: No. There is nothing in the world that would stop me from marrying you tomorrow, even me from the future coming back to prevent the wedding and the subsequent birth of a child who will destroy humanity.
Amy: Because if you came from the future, that would mean you already went through with the wedding because you believe that time travel is on a closed loop.
Sheldon: I love you so damn much.
Amy: (seeing Mark Hamill) I thought Wil was marrying us.
Sheldon: Wolowitz got us an upgrade.
Amy: Another sci-fi guy with a beard. Seems lateral, but okay.
Penny: All right, Saturday is the big day. A lot of people thought this would never come. I may have been one of those people.
Amy: I may have been one of those people.
Sheldon: Wait, wait. Are we talking about the wedding?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, I was definitely one of those people.
Penny: Now, we got a lot of family coming in tomorrow. I'm gonna need everyone's help. Think of this as one of your comic book movies. There's a bunch of superheroes, each with a different task.
Raj: Oh, like the new "Avengers".
Bernadette: Which one was that?
Howard: The one you slept through last weekend.
Bernadette: (fondly) Oh, that was a good nap.
Mark Hamill: Do you... do you...
(chokes up)
Wil Wheaton: Hey, I'm just sayin', I'm here if you need me.
Mark Hamill: No no no, I got this... Amy, do you take Sheldon for your lawful wedded husband?
Amy: Sheldon, you're awfully quiet. Are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh! Oh, I'm sorry. I was thinking about string theory. Catch me up. What'd I miss?
Mrs. Fowler: Are you seeing this, Larry? These are the people I'm gonna have to live with after you're dead.
Amy: I-I think it's more like, uh, "Lord of the Rings", and you're the Fellowship. Uh, someone's got to go to Gondor, someone's got to go to Mordor, someone's got to hold off the demon of shadow and flame.
Leonard: You mean the Balrog?
Amy: I mean my mother.
Sheldon: That is a perfect metaphor, Amy.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: Because it also involves a ring that binds me in servitude forever.
Amy: (to Penny, touched) Aw, he said "forever."
Raj: (seeing Mark Hamill) What is he doing here?
Howard: I found his dog and guilted him into officiating the wedding. Don't tell Sheldon. It's a surprise.
Raj: Wait, I-I thought Wil was officiating the wedding.
Howard: Yeah, so did he.
Raj: How did he take the news?
Howard: I'll let you know.
Penny: (Walking in past everyone, exasperated) Oh my God!
Mrs. Fowler: (Entering behind her) There's mama's girl.
Amy: Hi, mom.
Mrs. Fowler: (hugging her) Oh! Oh, Larry, look at her! Can you believe our little lamb is finally getting married?
(before he can speak)
Mrs. Fowler: He can't believe it. And neither can I.
Amy: (they hug again) Hi, dad. How you doing?
(behind his wife's back, Mr. Fowler pantomimes hanging himself and stops quickly when she turns around)
Amy: Why do you keep tying and untying that bow tie?
Sheldon: I can't seem to get it even.
Amy: Well, I don't think it's supposed to be even. Sometimes a little asymmetry looks good. In the Renaissance, they called it "sprezzatura."
Sheldon: The Renaissance? Amy, you know I'm more of an Enlightenment person. At some point, we have to decide how we want to raise the children.
Mary Cooper: You'll have to excuse her. She's just pregnant and hormonal.
Raj: Oh, yeah, congratulations on baby number two.
Missy: (sarcastic) Yeah. Whoopie.
Mary Cooper: Her husband would be here, but he stayed home to watch their older son, so e-everything's fine.
Missy: Stop it.
(to Raj)
Missy: We're separated.
Raj: (his interest piqued) You don't say.
Penny: Uh, Mr. Fowler, are you okay back there? Do you need more air?
Mrs. Fowler: (before he can say anything) He's fine. I'm surprised Amy didn't pick us up.
Penny: Oh, well, you know, she's pretty busy the day before her wedding.
Mrs. Fowler: Too busy for her mother? She used to be such a devoted daughter. Now she's just waiting for me to die so she can get my china.
Sheldon: (getting tongue-tied) Leonard. That's Mark Ha-Ha-Ha... It's-it's Mark Hami-Ha-Ha...
Leonard: Yep. Thank Wolowitz. He set it up.
Sheldon: Amy... I usually know exactly what to say. But in this moment... I have no words. I guess... I'm overwhelmed by you. In a good way. Not in the elevator in the Haunted Mansion way. Even if I can't tell you now how I feel, I will spend my life showing you how much I love you.
Sheldon: So if I make slightly asymmetric knots with sheets in four dimensions, then I can bootstrap the whole idea to a large asymmetry in eleven dimensions.
Amy: Well, maybe even at the initial moment of creation, the fundamental forces lacked symmetry.
Leonard: (entering) Everyone's waiting. What are you guys doing?
Amy: Super asymmetry.
Leonard: Super asymmetry? Is that a thing?
Sheldon: We're inventing it right now.
Leonard: Don't you think this can wait until...
(seeing the equations, he grabs a chair and sits down)
Leonard: Hold on. This is interesting.
Amy: Look at what you've done to me!
Penny: Ah, hey. Could you just, like, not touch my computer or... like, anything else. I just, ugh, I don't want to look like that in your wedding photos.
Amy: There aren't gonna be any wedding photos. My fianc?'s a germophobe. If he finds out I'm contagious, he'll never come back from Texas.
Bernadette: What if we tell him the theme of the wedding is "Walking Dead" and this is our zombie makeup?
Amy: That'll probably work. We'll call that plan B.
(she shuts the laptop; as Amy leaves, Penny takes the bottle of Purell from her gift bag)
Penny: (pouring it on her computer) Oh, well... turns out this is gonna come in handy after all.
Georgie Cooper: (on the phone with a customer) Listen, I hear you. I know they're pricey, but these are the Dallas Cowboys of tires, okay? And we're talking the Troy Aikman Cowboys, not that pretty boy Tony Romo. All right! Good call. You won't regret it.
(hanging up)
Georgie Cooper: Boom!
Leonard: Wow. That was impressive.
Georgie Cooper: Yeah, well, it's easy when you love your product, and hate Tony Romo.
Amy: Hey, I-I was thinking, now that you and your brother made up, there's no reason to rush home. Maybe you and Leonard could... could stay for, uh...
(surreptitiously checking her medication instructions)
Amy: ...two to three more fun-filled days there.
Sheldon: That's a great idea! Hey, Leonard, good news. We do have time to visit the Museum of the American Railroad!
Leonard: (coming out of the bathroom) I'd say no, but what's the point?
Sheldon: While I appreciate your folksy tire wisdom, I don't appreciate what you're putting mom through.
Georgie Cooper: What would know about what mom's been through? You were never home.
Leonard: Yeah, this is good. Get it all out.
Sheldon: Not now!
Georgie Cooper: Shut up!
Georgie Cooper: Leonard, you want a beer?
Leonard: Yeah, I would love a beer.
Georgie Cooper: (handing him a bottle) There you go.
Leonard: Thanks. Can you open it for me?
Georgie Cooper: No, it's a twist-off.
Leonard: I know.
Howard: Hey, Raj, remember when you borrowed my VR goggles the other day?
Raj: Yeah.
Howard: (revealing his swollen, infected eye) Probably shouldn't have done that.
Leonard: So, wait, y-your brother is Dr. Tire?
Sheldon: Yes, and apparently, it only takes half a semester of community college to get that particular doctorate.
Leonard: We passed three of these stores on the way here. Why did you say he's just some loser who sells tires?
Sheldon: You're right, that was unfair. He's a loser who sells more tires than anyone in Texas.
Sheldon: (on the phone) That's not right. It's so unreasonable. Yeah, well, if you're going to be like this, then I don't want to talk to you right now, either. Okay. I love you. Bye.
Amy: (he hangs up) Amazon customer support?
Sheldon: No, my mother. Guess who she's insisting we invite to our wedding.
Amy: Jesus?
Georgie Cooper: Hold up. I-I'm confused. You didn't want me at your wedding, but now that mom won't come, you want me there.
Sheldon: I know you don't hear this a lot, but that is exactly right. Good job.
Leonard: Not helping, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (to George) It is fitting that you got into tires, because you are tiresome.
Leonard: (standing to leave) Sheldon, come on.
Sheldon: Was that too mean?
Leonard: No, not too mean. Not too good, either.
Georgie Cooper: You're my baby brother, Sheldon. I know life has been hard for you, but that doesn't mean it's been easy for the rest of us.
Sheldon: I suppose I didn't think about how it was for everyone else.
Georgie Cooper: No, that's all right. I know you didn't.
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
Georgie Cooper: Thank you.
Sheldon: And it would mean a lot to me to have my big brother at my wedding.
Georgie Cooper: I wouldn't miss it.
Leonard: (choking up) Is it me, or did we just patch a tire?
Sheldon: He said "never patch." Do you even listen?
Bernadette: Aren't you worried it's a little intense to ask someone you just met to go to a wedding?
Raj: I'm running out of time. Wh-wh-why can't there be a service where you can just pay someone to be your date for the evening?
Bernadette: Like an escort service?
Raj: No, no, no. Y-You wouldn't be paying for sex. I mean, obviously if things went well, it could lead to sex, but-but the money is for, like, you know, her time and companionship.
Bernadette: Oh, I get it. An escort service.
Raj: Stop saying that.
Bernadette: Stop meaning it.
Georgie Cooper: You went away to college after dad died. Who do you think took care of everything?
Sheldon: Mom did. Mom always took care of everything.
Georgie Cooper: Mom was a mess. Missy was a dumb teenager. I had to look after both of 'em.
Sheldon: I talked to mom all the time. If she was upset, she would have told me.
Georgie Cooper: She was protecting you, you idiot, just like everyone always does.
Sheldon: If things were bad, then why didn't you tell me?
Georgie Cooper: Because I was protecting you, too.
Georgie Cooper: Look, I mean, I always looked out for him at school. I drove him everywhere. I apologized to people when he was rude.
Leonard: Yeah. I've done all that. I've also removed all the red balloons from his Lucky Charms because they weren't "Irish enough."
Georgie Cooper: All right. So you know what I'm talking about. And has he ever thanked you?
Leonard: Not in so many words, or any words.
Georgie Cooper: Would it kill him to actually say it?
Sheldon: Hello. Room service? I'm calling about the club sandwich on your menu. No, I-I don't want one. I just want you to spell it correctly. Unless the "club" is the Poor Typing Club. Okay. Now, let's discuss this 15% gratuty? Yeah...
(hanging up)
Sheldon: Well, that was rude. Someone just lost their gratuty.
Amy: I'm getting married in a week. You are not giving me pinkeye.
Howard: I don't have pinkeye.
Penny: (jumping off the couch to block his path) Hey! Hey. Hey. Step away from the bride.
Howard: Okay. I'll go back upstairs.
Bernadette: Get in the shower and then take those clothes and burn them.
Penny: Yeah, and all the rest of your clothes!
(not sure if he heard her)
Penny: Ah, worth a shot.
Amy: Okay, so each welcome bag gets a schedule of events, a map, and chocolate from me. And from Sheldon, a bottle of Purell, the number for Poison Control in case someone accidentally drinks the Purell, and a laminated table of elements because the American school system is a failure.
Bernadette: How many out of town guests are there gonna be?
Amy: I'm actually not sure. Turns out Sheldon didn't invite his brother.
Penny: Mm. Now it's starting to sound like a wedding.
Amy: And his mom said she won't come if his brother's not there.
Bernadette: Ooh, now it's starting to sound like a good wedding.
Howard: Hey, Bernie? Hey. How do you know if someone has pinkeye?
Bernadette: Um, their eye would be red, swollen, and probably oozy.
Howard: Okay, thanks. Both kids have pinkeye.
Georgie Cooper: What the hell are you doing here?
Sheldon: Hello, Georgie.
Georgie Cooper: It's just George now.
Sheldon: Fine, George. No, I don't like it. Georgie.
Bernadette: We're so sorry we ruined your date.
Amy: Oh, boo hoo! His date got ruined. I'm about to get married, and look at me.
Penny: It looks like it's getting better.
Amy: Oh, does it? Does it look like that with your *two clear eyes*?
Penny: I'm sorry. Are you mad that I don't have pinkeye?
Amy: (simultanously with the others) What do you think?
Bernadette, Howard, Raj: Yes!
Georgie Cooper: Leonard, you know how I got the money to open up my first store? I busted my ass for it, 'cause all the extra money that we had had to go to Sheldon so he could go to college and he could go study in Germany. And do you know what he's never said to me?
Leonard: Danke schon?
(seeing George's confusion)
Leonard: It's, uh, "thank you" in German.
Georgie Cooper: Do you need me to sit on your head?
Sheldon: I'm trying to invite my stupid brother to my wedding, and he's avoiding my calls.
Raj: You don't know he's avoiding your calls.
(Sheldon dials his phone and puts the call on speakerphone)
Georgie Cooper: Hey, you've reached George Cooper. Please leave a message, unless this is Sheldon again, in which case please try me on my other number, 1-800-SUCKIT.
Sheldon: See? And I know that's not a real number because why would it be toll-free?
Georgie Cooper: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Why aren't you returning my phone calls?
Georgie Cooper: You're supposed to be the smart one. You figure it out.
Leonard: He's not that kind of smart. You might want to give him a hint.
Amy: Hey, how's it going?
Sheldon: Really good. Georgie's going to come to the wedding.
Amy: Oh, that's great!
Sheldon: Why aren't you looking at the camera?
Amy: Oh, you know, I'm just working on my peripheral vision.
Sheldon: Well, that is nonsense. Your peripheral vision is fine. Are those women's magazines making you feel bad about yourself again?
Amy: (covering) Yup, that is what's happening.
Sheldon: I have told you before, those women are airbrushed to make it look like they have good vision.
Sheldon: Leonard, you have a brother, right?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Is he the worst? Is he an unspeakable abomination? Does the very thought of him make your skin crawl?
Leonard: Well, he laughs at his own jokes, but otherwise, he's okay.
Leonard: We're looking for a Georgie Cooper.
Margaret: One second. I'll check to see if the doctor's in.
Sheldon: He is not a doctor. There's only one doctor here and it's me.
Leonard: (insulted) I'm also a doctor.
Sheldon: You want to wait in the car?
Leonard: I wanted to wait in California.
Raj: Hey, why didn't you invite him in the first place?
Sheldon: You don't know what it was like growing up with him.
Raj: I get it; I grew up with lots of brothers. My brother Adoot was especially mean.
Leonard: Really? I've never heard you mention Adoot.
Raj: Yeah, sure I have. He's the one who left the door open when were kids, and my pet mongoose ran away. Stupid Adoot!
Sheldon: Once, when I was eight, I was going to dress as my favorite scientist for Halloween, and Georgie threw my costume away. I had to wear a sheet and go as a ghost. Scared myself all night long.
Leonard: Well, look, we don't fly out until the morning. Why don't I try and talk to him, give it one more shot?
Sheldon: All right. But if he says "Nerd says what?", don't answer him.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You are a lamb to the slaughter.
Amy: You didn't invite your brother to your own wedding?
Sheldon: He tormented me my whole childhood. I don't think I should reward that type of behavior with a slice of wedding cake in the shape of the Millennium Falcon.
Amy: Try again.
Leonard: Look, short of getting on a plane and flying there, what does your mother expect you to do?
(cut to him and Sheldon in an airplane cabin)
Leonard: I kept saying "no." H-h-how am I here?
Penny: (playing with a child's toy at the doctor's office) Hey! I got all the beads to the other side.
Howard: It's not a puzzle, Penny.
Amy: Do you really want to be touching that? Do you know how many sick kids... you know what? Never mind. Knock yourself out.
Georgie Cooper: If you are here about Sheldon's wedding, don't bother.
Leonard: Come on. I-I know you two have your differences.
Georgie Cooper: You mean pretty much everything about us?
Leonard: Well, not everything. You're both tall, you have the same last name. Maybe I shouldn't have started this like it was a list.
Georgie Cooper: You have no idea what you are talking about.
Leonard: Ooh, there. That-that was very Sheldon.
Georgie Cooper: You want me at your wedding, all you gotta do is ask nicely.
Sheldon: Georgie.
Georgie Cooper: George.
Sheldon: (groaning) I would like you at my wedding.
Georgie Cooper: Thank you, Sheldon. That is so nice to hear. But I would rather swallow a pregnant wildcat and crap out a litter of kittens.
Sheldon: This is all Georgie's fault. My whole childhood, he was mean to me.
Leonard: Sorry. I know what it's like to live with a bully.
Sheldon: Your brother bullied you?
Leonard: Oh, I was talking about Penny, but sure, yeah.
Amy: Look, he may have been mean to you when you were kids, but you're both grown men now.
Sheldon: That's right. I'm a grown-up, and if I don't want to invite him to my wedding, then I won't.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: Except I have to 'cause my mommy's making me.
Howard: Bernadette says they're checking the kids now.
Penny: You know, maybe we didn't all need to come.
Amy: Hey, whatever kind of pinkeye their kids have, I have, and I need to know. And if it's viral, I'm screwed.
Howard: Maybe not. You know, I know it's not traditional wedding attire, but how about a welder's mask?
Raj: If you know a welder, that could be your "something borrowed."
Raj: So am I gonna be, like, the only single guy at Sheldon's wedding?
Leonard: No. There-there'll be a lot of single people there. Stuart, Amy's great-aunt; although, Stuart's already friended her on Facebook, so, better move quick.
Raj: I got to find a date. I don't want to be that sad single friend that everyone looks at with pity.
Leonard: Uh, I'm-I'm afraid that ship may have sailed.
Penny: (Skyping with Bernadette) Oh, my god.
Bernadette: (with both eyes puffy and infected) Yeah, I got it, too.
Penny: Wow. You really can't keep your hands off Howard, can you?
Bernadette: I know, I have a problem. I just wanted to make sure you and Amy didn't get it.
Penny: (quietly) Well, I didn't get it.
Amy: (with an infected eye of her own) You infected me a week before my wedding! What am I supposed to do about this?
Bernadette: Wear a veil?
(Penny laughs, but immediately stops upon seeing Amy's look of anger)
Penny: It is not funny.
Sheldon: No, mother. That's not fair. But he told... yes, ma'am. But I said... yes, ma'am. Goodbye.
Leonard: What'd she say?
Sheldon: She's not getting in the middle of it because we boys "need to work it out ourselves." Oh, maybe it's fine if she doesn't come to the wedding. I've got Amy now, and she can do everything a mom can do and more.
Leonard: Say that to her on the wedding night. Really spice things up.
Georgie Cooper: After all my sacrifices, guess which kid my mom is the most proud of.
Leonard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom's most proud of Sheldon, too.
Bernadette: Great news! It's bacterial.
(the others all rejoice and high-five)
Bernadette: What are you doing? Wash your hands.
Amy: (to Penny) Not you.
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to apologize to your brother.
Sheldon: (condescending) I'm sorry?
Leonard: (pointing at George) Yes. Like that, but nicer, and that way.
Sheldon: I have nothing to apologize for.
Georgie Cooper: I told you this was a bad idea. Sometimes you can't patch a tire. You just got to buy a new one. Actually, that's always the case. Never patch; buy new.
Bernadette: So, how was your date?
Raj: (with both eyes puffy and infected) It was going well until my eye dripped in her latte.
Georgie Cooper: I see you haven't changed one bit.
Sheldon: Thank you. That is a nice thing to say.
Leonard: (offering a handshake) Hey, I'm Leonard. I'm here for-for no reason.
Leonard: (seeing a cardboard cutout) So, is this Georgie?
Sheldon: Yes. And what is he even using that stethoscope to listen to?
Leonard: I don't know. Small leak?
Sheldon: All right, that makes sense.
Leonard: Look, I-I'm sure he was not the easiest brother to have, but it wasn't easy for him, either with you picking on him all the time.
Georgie Cooper: (with a derisive laugh) Picking on him? Is that what he told you?
Leonard: Well, what about the time you threw away his Halloween costume?
Georgie Cooper: Well, yeah, 'cause he was gonna dress as some girl scientist.
Leonard: Madam Curie?
Georgie Cooper: Oh, I didn't know she was a madam. Come on. He was still gonna get beat up for wearing that dress.
Leonard: Well, didn't you sit on his head while he tried to watch "Star Trek"?
Georgie Cooper: Well, yeah, but that was hilarious.
Leonard: That is pretty hilarious, yeah.
Georgie Cooper: We haven't talked in over ten years, and now that you need something, you think you can just show up at my store? Well, let's just drop everything to accomodate Sheldon.
Sheldon: Nice try, but I am not a gullible little boy anymore. I can recognize sarcasm.
Georgie Cooper: Okay. You're right. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry.
(sarcastic)
Georgie Cooper: Tell me what you need. Your wish is my command.
Sheldon: That's better. Thank you.
Sheldon: And for one million dollars, I will come over and tell you what's wrong with you.
Leonard: Aw, and all these years, I've been getting that for free.
Leonard: (they play videogame) What are you doing?
Sheldon: The light is red so I came to a stop.
Leonard: You're in a stolen cop car with a dead hooker in the trunk. You don't have to obey traffic laws. I know I don't have to. The fun is choosing to.
Howard: (he and Raj come in) Hey. Missed you guys at the faculty mixer.
Raj: Ah, you should have been there, dessert was bananas. Sorry, that was misleading. The dessert was pie, but the pie was bananas. Actually, the pie was cherry, but the taste of the pie was... bananas.
Sheldon: Those mixers are such a waste of university money. If they spent less money on frivolous nonsense and more money on science, we'd all be better off.
Howard: You're a theoretical physicist. What more do you need than an office and a whiteboard?
Sheldon: Someday, my new formulas on entropy decrease due to quantum decoherence will need to be tested and that will require funding.
Leonard: Your theories are pretty abstract. I wouldn't even know how to design an experiment to prove them.
Sheldon: Says the experimental physicist!.. Well, I know a place the university can make some cuts. Bye, Leonard.
Raj: One second, one second. He's got a point. In order to corroborate your string theory research, you'd have to create a black hole. Wouldn't that destroy the Earth?
Sheldon: Perhaps, but we'd all go to the grave knowing I was right.
Leonard: I guess you could create a contained microscopic black hole.
Sheldon: Huh. Interesting. Welcome back, Leonard!
(to Raj)
Sheldon: Sorry, you're out.
Raj: What did I do?
Sheldon: Exactly!
Sheldon: While we're on the subject of fashion, I'm asking the university for some funding tomorrow. What should I wear?
Penny: Mm. Well, I've got a push-up bra I can loan you that always gets me free drinks.
Amy: How much money are you asking for?
Sheldon: $500 million.
Penny: Then I'd go no bra.
Sheldon: I defy you to name a train that I don't like.
Penny: The kind on the back of a wedding dress?
Sheldon: I did not see that coming. Good job.
Sheldon: I have a few comic books to sell.
Stuart: I know all about that. First step is to flunk out of art school.
Penny: (showing a Brides page) Ooh, this one's pretty.
Amy: Mm. My mother wouldn't approve, shows too much clavicle. She calls it "the bosom's welcome mat".
Penny: I can't wait to get drunk and pick a fight with her at your wedding.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I'm trying to do science, not hire Lady Gaga to come to my birthday.
Penny: Do you even know who Lady Gaga is?
Sheldon: Presumably, the wife of Lord Gaga.
Leonard: (Looking at offers from Sheldon's Kickstarter campaign) "For $50,000 I will examine your diet and create a customized bathroom schedule." That's fitting, 50 grand down the toilet.
Penny: I can't believe you threw me under the bus like that!
Bernadette: I know! Crazy, right?
Penny: Do you know how that makes me look?
Bernadette: I do. Terrible!
Penny: What happened to keeping a united front?
Bernadette: I'm sorry, is this your first day being a girl?
Sheldon: I like the way the store was before.
Howard: You mean empty and sad?
Sheldon: Yes, it was perfect, like a funeral home that sells Pok?man cards.
Sheldon: You're so wise, and you smell like books. You really are the full package.
Sheldon: I'm not annoyed she's a woman. I'm annoyed, and she's a woman.
Amy: I get that. I'm annoyed and I'm a woman.
Sheldon: I've learned to accept change.
Howard: Since when?
Sheldon: Since Amy changed her shampoo from Prell to Prell for oily hair. Although I miss how her head used to slide off the pillow.
(He walks to the counter)
Denise: Hello, can I help you?
Sheldon: Who are you?
Denise: I'm Denise, the new assistant manager.
Sheldon: Nope!
(Drops the comic book and runs out)
Penny: There's something fuzzy.
Howard: Is it your teen years?
Penny: No... yes, shut up.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Amy: Pigeon check for Sheldon. All clear on the north side!
Sheldon: Okay, let's look at some planets!
Stuart: Oh, the funniest thing happened today. You know the receipt tape in the cash register? It ran out. I didn't even know it could do that.
Sheldon: What will I do if I want to sit an read a comic book?
Stuart: Just use the couch over there.
(a woman is sitting on the couch)
Sheldon: Next to a complete stranger? If I want to read a comic book and ignore a woman, It'll be my fiancee.
Sheldon: I miss Amy. And my phone.
(after a pause, a gunshot is heard outside)
Sheldon: Also, I'm from Texas, and I can taste the difference between rabbit and squirrel.
Raj: Wasn't that the guy who went crazy and cut off all contact with the outside world?
Howard: Yes, apparently he had a roommate who kept pestering him about the Hulk's car insurance.
Dr. Robert Wolcott: I can't believe they left without saying goodbye. Wait a minute, what if they stole my work? Wait a minute, what if they were never here at all? Wait a minute, what if they haven't gotten here yet, but they're on their way? I'd better tidy up.
Leonard: So you're going to go to the middle of nowhere and spend the weekend with a crazy man you've never met?
Sheldon: Yes, Why?
Leonard: No reason. Have fun.
Raj: Are you understanding any of this?
Howard: I haven't understood anything after poop tomato.
Amy: This is great! Can I have a body shot? I've always wanted to do a body shot. Also, what's a body shot?
Penny: It's when you drink off a stranger's belly button.
Amy: Ew! No thank you! If it's an outie, does it just spill everywhere?
Raj: If Bruce Banner is driving a rental car and turns into the Hulk, do you think it's covered, or does he need to add the Hulk as additional driver?
Howard: You really need a girlfriend.
Bernadette: (Amy is passed out at the bar) Should we take her home?
Penny: Why? She's already asleep, and we have an order of sliders coming.
Bernadette: Another round!
Sheldon: Okay, listen. Dr. Woolcot is an important topologist, so we need to set a few ground rules so you don't embarrass me.
(to Howard)
Sheldon: No magic...
(to Leonard)
Sheldon: no whining...
(to Raj)
Sheldon: you - no, just no.
Raj: Hey!
Leonard: How come he gets to whine?
Dr. Robert Wolcott: You fellas must be hungry. Do you like rabbit?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Raj: Sounds good.
Dr. Robert Wolcott: Okay, but can you tell the difference between rabbit and squirrel?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Probably not.
Howard: I don't think so.
Dr. Robert Wolcott: Great, we're having rabbit.
Sheldon: Wow. That's "wow" backwards.
Raj: Oh, my God! This tomato is amazing! I can eat it like an apple.
Dr. Robert Wolcott: The secret is I fertilze it with my own manure.
(Raj stops eating)
Howard: The look on your face.
Leonard: It's a sort of grin. You wanna know which kind?
Amy: I saw shirtless firemen?
Penny: Saw, smelled, slid down 'em like a pole.
Dr. Robert Wolcott: Normally I don't let strangers into my home.
Raj: But when you do, you let them out, right?
Dr. Robert Wolcott: (about his marriage) We give each other space. I give her Europe, she gives me South America. That's where she thinks I am.
Sheldon: I'm a grown man, I don't need a chaperone. I just need someone to drive me there, pick me up and make me a sack lunch.
Sheldon: Ooh, the mailman's here!
Leonard: Aw, remember when he was this excited to see us?
Penny: The pastrami truck moved.
Leonard: (not really listening) That is the danger of a restaurant on wheels.
Penny: No, apparently someone complained to the tenants' association, and they're not allowed to park on our street anymore.
Leonard: Who would complain about something that everyone loves?
(realizing who it must be)
Leonard: Oh...
Leonard: What you got there?
Penny: Oh, I grabbed a sandwich at the food truck out front.
Sheldon: Wait, n-now hold on. Tonight is Friday, and I believe you know what that means.
Penny: That my fun, young life took a drastic turn somewhere?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: But yeah.
Sheldon: No, that means it's Chinese food night.
Penny: Yeah, and you have Chinese food, so eat it.
Sheldon: But I can smell your pastrami.
Howard: And we can all hear your complaining, so no one's happy.
Howard: Can't believe you got her number.
Raj: I know, right? How amazing would it be if this worked out and the story of how I met my wife started with you and me in the hot tub together?
Howard: Well, do us both a favor and start the story later.
Cynthia: Hey, you found my drone.
Raj: Yeah, yeah. Yes. It took a while to track you down, but to see the look on your face, it was worth it.
Sheldon: Well, this is hard for me, because I do love a legal technicality, and this is a good one. Although, not quite as good as the provision in California law, which states a person who occupies a dwelling for thirty consecutive days becomes a tenant at will, and as such...
Amy: I vote for Leonard!
Sheldon: You... what?
Amy: I'm sorry, Sheldon. With minimal power comes minimal responsibility, and you couldn't handle it.
Sheldon: Don't you misquote "Spider-Man" to me.
Bernadette: That's not very much to go on.
Raj: Oh, that's plenty to go on. We can't give up. We got to find her.
Bernadette: You just want to find her 'cause she's cute.
Raj: Not just because she's cute. She also owns a pretty expensive drone, which means she has money and doesn't mind wasting it. And I... I like that in a woman.
Sheldon: I think you're defining "bread" very loosely. If we go down that road, where does it end?
Amy: Well, I would say when we go to bed, but you talk in your sleep.
Sheldon: I don't want to get into this with you right now. We'll talk about this when I'm asleep.
Amy: (as they argue, Leonard, Penny, and Raj leave) I don't want to talk about when you're asleep. How come we can't talk about it now?
Sheldon: Well, because I'm eating now.
Amy: Fine. How's your moo shoo?
Sheldon: You know what? It's great.
(picking up his food)
Sheldon: Wait, look at that. Hmm. Well, maybe the Chinese did invent the sandwich. I guess you were right.
Amy: (seeing everyone is gone) Too bad no one's around to hear it.
Leonard: We vote you out.
Sheldon: Hold on. Hold on. First, we have to read the minutes from last month's meeting. Amy, would you do the honors?
Amy: (taking the tablet he offers) Why not? "Saturday, March 3rd. 7:05, meeting called to order. 7:06, president gets shampoo in eye. 7:07, meeting adjorned."
Raj: (relaxing in Howard's jacuzzi) Oh, this is the life. What could be better than this?
Howard: If you weren't wearing one of my swimsuits.
Raj: I'll give it back.
Howard: You know the rule. Once it touches heinie, it's no longer miney.
Raj: You're such a prude. Do you know all the things this water's touching right now?
Howard: (getting out) Well, I'm relaxed enough.
Raj: (looking at the drone's memory card) I hope there's nothing disturbing on there.
Bernadette: Like you two in a hot tub?
Leonard: Did you complain to the tenants' association about the food truck?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: And they actually took you seriously?
Sheldon: Oh, the tenants' association takes every complaint seriously.
Penny: (on her phone) Oh, great, because I'm about to send them an e-mail complaining about you.
Sheldon: (his phone chimes) Excuse me.
(reading the message)
Sheldon: Wow. Someone should have spell-checked.
Penny: What is going on here?
Leonard: You're the tenants' association?
Sheldon: (amused) You should see the look on your face. You might want to tell your wife that there's no "Y" in "pastrami".
Penny: Do you know he is the entire tenants' association?
Amy: No, but I'm not surprised. He's also the pope of a planet he invented in hyperspace.
(to Sheldon)
Amy: Why didn't you tell me?
Sheldon: 'Cause I wanted to make sure that you loved the man, not the office.
Leonard: You can't just declare yourself president.
Sheldon: I didn't. I called a meeting, I was the only one to attend. I nominated myself, and after a pretty moving speech, I voted myself in.
Howard: I got it working!
Raj: Oh, oh! Let's play William Tell. I'll put this bowl on my head. See if you can knock it off without hitting me.
Howard: You read my mind.
Bernadette: (entering) What are you doing?
Howard: Either breaking a bowl or breaking Raj's head.
Bernadette: Be careful. They don't make that bowl anymore.
Bernadette: Aren't you worried there's some kid out there missing his drone?
Raj: Uh, oh, please, Bernadette, this is not a children's toy, okay? This thing's got a HD camera on it.
Bernadette: Okay, then aren't you worried there's some rich peeping Tom out there missing his drone?
Howard: We asked around, and no one claimed it. I think we've done all we can do.
Bernadette: Did you check the video card? Maybe you can see where it started off from.
Howard: (sarcastic) What a great idea, honey.
Penny: Ugh, I can't believe my best friend sided with Sheldon.
Leonard: I can't believe my best friend *is* Sheldon. Ah, I should have taken that gavel and shoved it right down his throat.
Penny: Ugh. I would've gone the other way, but it would've gotten to his throat.
Howard: Okay, that ought to do it. I replaced the propeller and re-attached the gimbal controller unit.
Raj: Dude, you're like "Grey's Anatomy" for robots. Also, why isn't that a show?
Howard: I just need to see if I can re-sync the controls to this old remote.
Raj: We should name it.
Howard: What, the drone or your stupid robot show?
Raj: The drone. The show's already got a name: "General Bot-spital".
Sheldon: What is happening? Everybody's supposed to be eating Chinese food.
Amy: Well, actually, I believe the Chinese may have invented the sandwich. Their dish "rou jia mo" literally means "meat between bread." So it looks like all of us, including Penny, are eating Chinese food.
Raj: Except for you, Sheldon. You're eating crow.
Raj: (Cynthia watches a video from her drone's memory card) Stop flying it around. You're gonna break it.
Howard: Why do you care?
Raj: Because we have to give it back to the beautiful mystery girl.
Cynthia: Aw.
Raj: I mean, did you see how hot she was? I want to get all up in that and start making babies!
(her face distorts in disgust)
Raj: I know exactly what underwear I'm gonna wear on our first date. None!
Sheldon: I suppose it is time I passed this on to Leonard.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Yeah, thanks. I-I know that's hard for you.
Sheldon: It was. But you know what? Instead of being in charge, I can now be the vocal opposition, criticizing and badgering the president at every turn.
Amy: I think you'll be really good at that.
Sheldon: Me, too.
Leonard: I think I've made a huge mistake.
Penny: Me, too.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I think you're forgetting that the sandwich was invented by John Montagu, the Earl of Sandwich.
Penny: Oh! The truck's called "Pearl of Sandwich." Now I get it.
Howard: All right, that smells too good. I got to get one of those.
Amy: And I think you're forgetting that there are written documents of meat between bread being eating in China during the Tang dynasty.
Bernadette: You know what? I think I'll go with you. And then maybe we just go home.
Raj: (returning Cynthia's drone to her) Rajesh.
Cynthia: (shaking hands) Cynthia.
Raj: Ah, please to meet you.
Cynthia: Likewise.
(awkward silence)
Cynthia: I-I feel like I should give you a reward or something.
Raj: Oh, no, you don't have to do that.
Cynthia: I insist.
Raj: How about your phone number?
Cynthia: Give me your phone.
Raj: (he does so, and she programs her number) Thanks. So, I'll-I'll call you, Cynthia.
Cynthia: Great, Rajesh. And thanks again.
Raj: Sure.
(he's barely walked away when her phone rings)
Raj: Just checking!
Sheldon: How can I focus on my work when all I can think about is how much I want that sandwich?
Amy: So go get one.
Sheldon: I can't just give into every urge I have when I have it. That's why I have a rigid schedule. It's bad enough I had to give in to my urge to create a rigid schedule.
Amy: You know, why don't I just go down to the food truck and ask them to move?
Sheldon: Why are you taking cash?
Amy: No reason.
Raj: Hey, please let me bring the drone back to her.
Howard: You think you've got a shot? What if she's married?
Stuart: She's not.
Raj: It's meant to be.
Stuart: A little tip. Uh, stick with the smiles you know.
Leonard: Well, if you can vote yourself in, then we can vote you out.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Fine. Make a motion at the next meeting.
Leonard: When is it?
Sheldon: It's the first Saturday of every month. Unless there's an emergency meeting.
Penny: Then we call an emergency meeting.
Sheldon: Well, you really don't have to. This is the first Saturday of the month.
Leonard: We found something pretty interesting.
Amy: (transparently) Huh. Well, that is suprising. I, for one, have no idea what they're talking about.
Leonard: Turns out when Amy took over Penny's apartment, she was put on the lease, not you.
Penny: Yeah, and when I moved across the hall, you got taken off the lease and I got added.
Amy: Well, what are you saying? That Sheldon's not technically a tenant at all and therefore has no standing to be president of the tenants' association, no matter who votes for him? I don't know how you found that out, but I am guessing all on your own.
Leonard: So, looks like we need to figure out who the new president should be. I nominate myself.
Penny: I second it.
Amy: Huh. Well, as a woman in love, I want to stand by my man. Too bad that's been rendered bureaucratically impossible.
Penny: So, let me get this straight. You are the president of the tenants' association?
Sheldon: President, only member, and harshest critic. I once gave myself an official reprimand for conducting a meeting in the shower. The steam warped my gavel.
Penny: Okay, so when I got a fine for leaving my clothes in the dryer for too long, that was from you?
Sheldon: $14.99. The exact price of a new gavel.
Leonard: And the noise complaint we got for singing you "Happy Birthday"?
Sheldon: As a friend, I was touched. As a representative of the building, I thought that you should pick a key and stick with it.
Amy: It's not your fault. I mean, what man wouldn't be seduced by the power to decide how late the laundry room stays open?
Penny: Wait, you're the reason I had to come back and get my jeans the next morning?
Sheldon: I can't believe you expect me to give that up!
Amy: Sheldon, it's the American way, the peaceful transfer of power.
Sheldon: I don't know.
Leonard: Think about "Ant-Man".
Sheldon: I'm always thinking about "Ant-Man"!
Leonard: Michael Douglas had the suit, and then he passed it on to Paul Rudd.
Sheldon: Maybe you're right.
Amy: Really? The "Ant-Man" thing? That's what won you over?
Sheldon: Yes. He got the details right. That's how you use a superhero.
Amy: Look, there are a bunch of other tenants in this buiding. All you need is for one of them to vote your way, and then Sheldon's out and I didn't betray him.
Penny: Hey, you know, that's actually a good plan.
Amy: That you came up with all by yourself. Now, if you'll excuse me, told Sheldon I was going to the market, so... I'm taking some of your stuff.
(she takes a few items from the fridge)
Amy: (leaving) I was never here.
Leonard: Sometimes you don't see it 'cause she's next to Sheldon, but she's pretty weird.
Sheldon: Why are you wearing a Band-Aid?
Raj: Halley bit me.
Leonard: (laughing) You got beaten up by a girl.
Howard: Hey, that's sexist.
Leonard: You're right.
(he laughs again)
Leonard: You got beaten up by a baby.
Sheldon: I can smell that food truck from up here.
Amy: Just close the window if you don't like the smell.
Sheldon: Of course I like the smell. It's salt and fat. My brain may be evolved, but my tongue still wants to pick up a club and drag that truck back to my cave.
Amy: So there's something you like, but it's also driving you crazy. Been there, doing it now.
Penny: Okay, can we vote you out now?
Sheldon: Ah, very well. New business.
Leonard: I move for a vote of no confidence in the president.
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Two to one, you lose.
Sheldon: Not so fast. I believe we can one tenant here who has not made her voice heard.
Amy: (everyone turns to look at her) Oh...
Sheldon: We're waiting, fianc?e.
Penny: Yeah, we're waiting, best friend.
Leonard: Yeah, we're waiting, neighbor who... needed a battery and totally got one from me, no strings attached.
Amy: I don't want to be in the middle of this. No matter which way I vote, I'm either a bad friend, a bad fianc?e, or an ungrateful recipient of a battery.
Sheldon: Next time I have a meeting in the shower, you're welcome to attend.
Amy: Sheldon! Sheldon for president! I pick Sheldon!
Penny: So, Mrs. Petrescu, we were hoping you would vote for Leonard instead of voting for Sheldon.
Mrs. Petrescu: Vote Sheldon.
Penny: No, no. Vote Leonard.
Mrs. Petrescu: No vote Leonard.
Leonard: No. Vote Leonard.
Mrs. Petrescu: Thank you.
Howard: She's wearing a pin from your store. Do you know who she is?
Stuart: Oh, sure, yeah. That's Cynthia.
Raj: Wha- so... so, she's a customer?
Stuart: Yeah, yeah, but I-I haven't seen her in a while. And before you say anything, there's a lot of reasons women stop coming here. It's not just me.
Howard: But this time...
Stuart: I-It was me, yeah. I was trying out a flirty new smile.
(he demonstrates a strained smile)
Howard: Now, I don't use the word "ghoulish" a lot, but... I-I just can't think of another word.
Raj: Hey, Howard, look. What's that?
Howard: Huh. Looks like someone's drone.
Raj: Oh, no. Do you think it was spying on us in the hot tub? 'Cause I'm only 40% of the way to my beach bod.
Howard: Do you see anything that could help us locate her?
Bernadette: Hmm, let me have a look.
Howard: She's got eagle eyes, always spotting continuity errors in movies. It's not annoying at all.
Bernadette: Oh. There. Right there. Check out the pin on her jacket. It's that from the comic book store?
Raj: Hmm, is it? Hey, Howard, zoom in.
Howard: Oh. Fine. Zooming in.
(making a whooshing sound, he holds the laptop up to Raj's face)
Raj: Yeah, I know you're being a jerk, but it's actually helpful.
Amy: Sheldon, I have an advanced degree in the study of the human brain, so if my fianc? is a raving lunatic, it's kind of a ding on my reputation.
Sheldon: If leaders just stepped aside every time they didn't have the consent of the governed, what would we have?
Amy: Democracy.
Sheldon: Not on my watch.
Amy: Hi. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Leonard and Penny are trying to turn the tenants against me, so there are about to see just what kind of power the president of the tenants' association wields.
Amy: (picking up a poster he's made) "You must be at least this tall to use washing machine"?
Sheldon: I'm gonna hang it up higher than Leonard. And then his clothes will smell. And nobody's voting for a man with smelly clothes. No, not when there's a perfectly unscented incumbent on the ballot.
Penny: So you just let him get away with anything?
Amy: Well, not anything. But honestly, "pastrami sandwich" is not the hill I want to die on.
Penny: It's not about the sandwich. It's about the principle.
Leonard: Yeah, principle. And a little bit sandwich.
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: Don't be mad at me. I mean, I can't vote against him.
Leonard: Well, even when he's being crazy?
Amy: Well, what other times are there?
Leonard: So, I'm running for president of the tenants' association, and I could really use your vote.
Wendell: Uh, who's president now?
Penny: Uh, Sheldon Cooper. You know, about yea tall and about yea annoying.
(holding her arms as wide as she can)
Wendell: So you want me to vote against Sheldon Cooper?
Leonard: Yeah. You just need to show up at a meeting...
Wendell: Oh, no, no. No can do. He's got a restraining order against me.
Penny: Really? Why?
Wendell: Uh, I locked him on the roof once.
(mouthing)
Wendell: Three times.
Bernadette: Amy made me realize that new mothers are cognitively primed to take in new information, and I've been wasting it making up songs about our babies' toes.
Howard: To be fair, I co-wrote "Pinky Toe, Pinky Toe".
Bernadette: Evolution gave me this mom brain to focus on the baby, but I figure I can hack it to learn all kinds of new things.
Leonard: I've totally just solved what hotel he's staying at.
Howard: What are we waiting for?
Leonard: For Penny to walk down the stairs, get in her car, and drive away.
Leonard: Why is your screen name John Williams?
Raj: Because I always score.
Sheldon: Fool me N times, where N is the number of times you've fooled me before, shame on you. Fool me N plus one times, shame on me.
Leonard: Didn't you hear me yell "hold the door"?
Sheldon: Yes, but you know what they say: hold the door, get robbed some more.
Leonard: No one says that.
Sheldon: Well, they should. It's true and it rhymes.
Howard: Do you think you could get Bill Gates to sign something for me?
Penny: Yeah, maybe. Like what?
Howard: My arm, my chest, his call.
Penny: His call will be to the police.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, I folded your laundry for you.
Penny: That's not mine.
Sheldon: It's not?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: (holds up a pair of large pink panties) So you're telling me that this is not yours.
Penny: Nope.
Sheldon: So I'm holding a stranger's underpants.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: (drops the panties and puts Purell on his hands) And just like that, it's the worst day of my life.
Amy: You wanna take a break and get something to eat?
Bernadette: Sure.
(as Amy starts to leave, Bernadette sits watching the TV)
Wendy: (on the TV) A job's come in. A streetlight's been knocked over.
Amy: Why does it not feel like we're going?
Bernadette: Hang on. I just wanna see if Bob can fix it.
Wendy: (on TV) Can you fix it?
Bob: (on TV) Yes I can.
Bernadette: Yes he can!
(Amy adjusts her glasses in frustration)
Bernadette: Can I get you anything? Juice box? Nanners?
Amy: Nanners?
Amy: Sorry, mom-brain. I think I forgot how to talk to grown-ups. I meant *buh*-nanners.
Bernadette: God. What's happening? I'm a smart, educated, successful...
Amy: 'Woman'?
Bernadette: I was gonna get it.
Amy: Don't be so hard on yourself. Pregnancy and childbirth actually cause physical changes to the structure of your brain.
Bernadette: I liked the old structure of my brain. But then
(takes a look at her frame)
Bernadette: , I liked a lot of my old structures.
Amy: Well, these are positive changes. Studies with rats show that new mothers are more sensitive to danger, better at multitasking and bolder in the pursuit of food.
Sheldon: Leonard, I can't stay mad at you. I forgive you.
Sheldon: So, it wasn't a joke and I actually could have met him.
Leonard: He's probably still there.
Sheldon: What hotel?
Leonard: La Quinta Inn, Thousand Oaks, under the name Hernandez.
Sheldon: Thank you! Thank you so much.
Leonard: (after Sheldon leaves) April Fools.
Raj: What would you do if you had a billion dollars?
Howard: Same as Bill Gates. I'd use it to make the world a better place, only I'd do it while wearing a fully working Iron Man suit.
Raj: Didn't know those came in a boys medium.
Penny: What is this picture?
Amy: Oh, it's an MRI of our brains photoshopped to look like they're kissing.
Sheldon: Obviously, he wanted a place to go where I wouldn't be. But apparently, all of the outside wasn't enough for him.
Leonard: You're my best friend. I want you to have the wedding of your dreams.
Sheldon: On Mars?
Leonard: Okay, I want Amy to have the wedding of her dreams.
Raj: What about Sherman? Like, Sherman Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna take his mother to prom.
Amy: Hey, Howard, you did that, right?
Howard: I didn't take her. She chaperoned. We slow-danced once.
Amy: Sheldon, we're talking about something important here.
Sheldon: Fine. If you pick a baby name, can we get back to playing?
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: All right, here we go. Ranatanata.
Raj: You can't name him Ranatanata.
Sheldon: Oh, right, it's a boy. That'd be ridiculous. What about Ozymandias?
Penny: Are you making these up or having a stroke?
Amy: I think I got Bernadette in trouble. Maybe we should go.
Sheldon: I... I can't. She and I are playing "Campaign for North Africa".
Amy: She doesn't want to play that.
Sheldon: Neither did the Egyptians, but that didn't stop Rommel.
Amy: You've thought about our kids?
Sheldon: Of course. I think you and I will have exceptional children.
Amy: Aw. Well, I think so, too.
Raj: How many kids do you guys want?
Sheldon: Fifteen.
Amy: Two.
(giving him a weird look)
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Well, don't worry. I don't expect you to bear them all. I'm sure we can find a suitable uterus to rent.
Leonard: (they both turn to glance at Penny) No!
Penny: Uh-uh!
Amy: I'm trying to get our grant proposal together. Any chance you've finished those mechanical drawings?
Howard: Oh, sorry. I was gonna do it last night, but I got kind of busy.
Raj: (winking) Yeah, you did.
Amy: What are they talking about?
Sheldon: I'll give you a hint. It's something that we have done four times.
Amy: Watched "La La Land"?
Sheldon: What? No. No. I've not watched "La La Land" four times. If you find the soundtrack on my phone, that just 'cause our iTunes accounts are linked.
Howard: Are there any engineers on the grant committe?
Amy: I don't know. Why?
Howard: I didn't have time to figure out the three-input hydraulic manifold, so this diagram is really just the flux capacitor from "Back to the Future."
Penny: Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises.
Bernadette: Sorry. I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Bernadette: Go put on some more clothes, you bitch.
Amy: I'm sorry this is on such short notice.
Howard: Hey, I just wish I could be there when you present it.
Amy: That's okay. It's more important that you spend time with Michael.
Howard: Who's Michael?
Amy: Uh, your son?
Howard: No, it's not. My son doesn't have a name yet.
Amy: Okay, well, then Bernadette's son.
Leonard: Some people name their kids after places.
Howard: Like what, Walla Walla Wolowitz?
Sheldon: If you think that is better than Ozymandias Wolowitz, then you have been breathing in the poisonous gas that my troops illegally dispersed.
Sheldon: Guys, wake up. Terrible news.
Penny: Oh, my god. What, what, what? Is it the baby?
Sheldon: No. No, no, we miscalculated our unassigned armor class units. We need to start over.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, not from the beginning. Just from when the tanks started moving.
Leonard: That was five hours ago.
Sheldon: (checking his watch) Mm, no. No, that was two hours ago. It only feels like five.
Raj: I'm telling you, there's an acupressure point right above your ankle that can induce contractions.
Bernadette: All right, but just a warning. My feet are a little swollen.
Raj: Oh, please, Bernadette. I'm sure this... okay.
Bernadette: What?
Raj: Nothing. Your ankles look fine, and not at all like I just popped open a can of crescent rolls.
Sheldon: Hey, Bernadette, it's your turn. Penny's air force is strafing your supply line in Tobruk.
Bernadette: We're kind of busy.
Sheldon: Oh. 'Kay. But you're being pretty rude. Everyone did come over to play this game with you.
Raj: (He, Penny, and Leonard show up at Howard and Bernadette's house. He's holding a bag of food carriers) Hey guys. I brought Chinese.
Penny: (Indicating Raj with her hands) And I brought Indian.
Sheldon: (Beginning the play of The Campaign for North Africa) First we must roll to figure out the weather.
Bernadette: It's the desert. Isn't it supposed to be hot?
Sheldon: (holds up the "hold on" finger, rolls the dice, then checks one thing in the manual, then holds up the "hold on" finger again, rolls the dice again, then looks at another page in the manual sideways, appearing to read a couple of lines quickly, then) Yes.
Howard: Michael? Really, you think we're naming him Michael?
Bernadette: Not now, Howard. I'm in the middle of a game.
Sheldon: You wish. You are hundreds of hours away from the middle.
Sheldon: I believe today is Bernadette's due date.
Howard: Yeah. How do you know that?
Sheldon: Easy. Forty weeks from the date of her last period.
Howard: And why do you know that?
Sheldon: Well, excuse me for taking an interest in people.
Bernadette: Okay, if it's not Michael, then what do you want to name him?
Howard: Harry? Like Potter or Houdini.
Bernadette: It doesn't bother you that I have an old boyfriend named Harry?
Howard: Okay. How 'bout Al or Max or... Ted or Kevin?
Bernadette: Same answer.
Sheldon: All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase. Penny, I believe as logistics commander, that's you.
Penny: Okay.
(waving a white napkin)
Penny: I surrender.
Sheldon: Nice try, Penny. It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: (Storming into the kitchen) I can't believe you're trying to hijack our son's name.
(seeing she isn't there)
Howard: Bernie?
Bernadette: (From the other room) This is as fast as I can move! Calm down!
Penny: When did you pick out our kids' names?
Leonard: Remember that day you moved into the building?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: A non-creepy amount of time after that.
Amy: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon texted and said Bernadette wanted us all to come over.
Sheldon: (seeing her expression) The game's best with five to ten players.
Howard: I can't believe her. She knows I don't want to name the baby after her dad.
Amy: What did you want to name him?
Howard: I don't know. We were gonna wait until we saw what he looked like.
Amy: Well, it's a baby. Her dad's a wrinkly bald man. That wasn't gonna break your way.
Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: Uh, I think that was a contraction.
Howard: Is it time? Do we need to go the hospital?
Bernadette: No. We've been through this before. My water hasn't even broken yet.
Sheldon: Never mind your water. Has your mucus plug popped out?
Bernadette: Ew, no!
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. We probably would've heard that.
Penny: It's not a champagne cork. Although, that would be festive.
Bernadette: (seeing "Campaign for North Africa" all laid out) Aw, come on!
Sheldon: Welcome to the next five to eight weeks of your life.
Bernadette: Sheldon, I said I didn't want to play your game.
Sheldon: Well, then don't think of it as a game. Think of it as a source of information about one of the lesser-known campaigns of World War II.
Bernadette: (sarcastic) You're right. That's so much better.
Sheldon: I know, right?
Raj: Dude! Why didn't you call me?
Raj: Well, the only way that I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.
Howard: So you're just gonna name him Michael? Were you even gonna tell me?
Bernadette: I told you.
Howard: When?
Bernadette: Oh, right. That was Amy.
Amy: I've always liked the name Elliott.
Leonard: Sorry, can't have it. That's my boy name.
Amy: I said it first.
Leonard: It's not like calling dibs.
Amy: Yes, it is. It's exactly like that. Dibs on Elliott.
Leonard: I-I'm just saying we might get there first. You only have sex once a year. I'll probably have sex tonight.
(Penny gives him a weird look)
Leonard: Fine, you can have Elliott.
Sheldon: Bernadette, it's your turn.
Bernadette: What about Greg?
Sheldon: All right, I'll just roll for you.
(he does so)
Sheldon: Ooh! That is a good one! Your troops' morale rating is pretty high. Now, Leonard, as the defender, we need to subtract your morale rating from Bernadette's to get a final adjusted morale rating for the assault. And I will just check the assault differential column. Ooh! Who said war was hell? Yeah, that's a rhetorical question. Sherman said it.
Howard: Bernie, this is our kid's name. I think we should both agree.
Bernadette: You're right. We both made this baby.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: And I carried it, had to stay in bed for four months, sacrificed my body and my job, and soon it's gonna burst its way out of me like the Kool-Aid Man.
Howard: Exactly. Fifty/fifty.
Sheldon: Not to brag, but Amy's last birthday brought my coital tally up to four.
Leonard: Whatever you're doing, it's not bragging.
Leonard: Hey, what'd you name him?
Howard: Neil Michael. Neil for Armstrong, Gaiman, and Diamond. Michael because Bernie had to get six stitches.
Amy: Neil, that's cute.
Bernadette: (off screen) But we're calling him Michael!
Howard: I'm not gonna fight her. That kid's head was the size of a cantaloupe.
Howard: I'm sorry I tried to sneak the name past you.
Bernadette: That's okay.
Bernadette: I'm sorry I used up so many good names in college. I was really competitive with my roommate.
Howard: Forget about it. Please.
Howard: How you feeling?
Bernadette: Eh. But I am really excited to meet our son.
Howard: Me, too. I thought I'd be super freaked out. But I'm ready for this. Well, not the part where you're in labor and you squeeze my fingers 'till they turn blue.
Bernadette: (sarcastic) I'm sorry. That must be really painful for you.
Leonard: So, any day now.
Howard: Oh, I don't know. We went to the doctor this morning, and she said it could still be another week or two.
Raj: How's Bernadette holding up?
Howard: It's pretty rough. She's having a hard time.
Leonard: Why are you smiling?
Howard: I had sex twice last night.
Raj: That's not fair! She's on bed rest. She can't run away.
Howard: It was her idea. She read that it can start labor.
Raj: Hmm. Is that true?
Howard: Well, I would have Googled it, but I was busy taking my pants off.
Leonard: My mother believes that if you're not prepared mentally, it can delay your body from going into labor.
Bernadette: So what are you trying to say? It's my fault?
Leonard: (dodging) Raj is crazy. Your ankles aren't that gross.
Howard: Honey, babies don't always come on their due date. Halley was two weeks late.
(seeing her expression)
Howard: But this baby's a boy. They don't take as long to get ready.
Bernadette: What are you doing?
Howard: I'm making the situation better with humor.
Bernadette: Are you?
Howard: Would you rather me make it better with magic?
Bernadette: Go back to sleep.
Howard: Ta-da!
(he flops back onto his pillow)
Bernadette: (after a moment of silence) You know, I hear that sex can induce labor.
Howard: (popping back up) Anything for my family.
Sheldon: Yeah, I like the name Elliott. That wasn't on my list, but I like it.
Raj: We've heard your names. They're ridiculous. And I have a cousin named Dilip.
Sheldon: Hello.
Bernadette: Let me guess. You're here to try to get me to go into labor.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I-I'm disgusted when people sneeze, and that's just stuff coming out of their nose. No. I am here to sit with you and keep you company.
Bernadette: Oh, that's nice.
Sheldon: Yeah, by playing the most complicated board game ever invented: "Campaign for North Africa". I bought it off eBay. It smells a little like chili, but all the pieces are there.
Bernadette: What about Paul?
Howard: Paul. Paul Wolowitz. I like it.
Raj: Ooh, like "Koothra-Paul-i".
Bernadette: Okay, you ruined it.
Howard: I don't want to name our son after your father.
Bernadette: I didn't want to say this, but he's dying.
Howard: He is?
Bernadette: Eventually. I mean, you see the way the man eats.
Howard: Okay, is this the hormones, or have you always been a lunatic?
Bernadette: I don't even know anymore.
Bernadette: Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.
Howard: (waking up) Oh. Did your water break?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Are you feeling any contractions?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: (she starts to climb out of bed) Wait. Well, where are you going?
Bernadette: To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.
Penny: (Trying to get Bernadette to do some yoga with her) We go down.
(Penny squats down effortlessly, while Bernadette tries using the chair for assistance)
Penny: Then back up.
(She comes back up, but Bernadette is stuck)
Penny: And back up!
Bernadette: Yeah, hearing you is not the problem.
(Penny gets her cell phone and points it at Bernadette)
Bernadette: What are you doing? Put that thing away.
Penny: Smile.
(Click. The picture makes Bernadette look like she's going #2)
Penny: You know, when my yoga instructor was pregnant, she told me there are tons of poses that put her right into labor.
Bernadette: I'll try, but I feel like bendy poses are what got me into this mess.
Bernadette: You know what, maybe we should go.
Howard: Did you have another contraction?
Bernadette: No. I'm just worried that Sheldon's gonna say "mucus plug" again.
Sheldon: And I'm worried one's gonna hit me in the eye.
Penny: Hey, Bernie, it's me. I let myself in.
Bernadette: (sitting on the stairs) Hey.
Penny: What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.
Bernadette: That's done, but I've been on stair rest for the last forty-five minutes.
Penny: Here, let me help you.
Bernadette: (Penny helps her stand up) Yeah. If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.
Penny: I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm. I'll do it.
Raj: Dude! Why didn't you call me?
Howard: Well, the only way that I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.
Sheldon: Suez? Birth? It's a big night for canals.
Sheldon: (denying he watched "La La Land" four times) See, see. Look at my Netflix queue. There's two documentaries and the movie "Friends with Benefits", which I thought was a documentary about employer health care plans.
Amy: Hey, guys.
Leonard, Howard, Raj: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey, I was just talking about you.
Amy: Oh, should I ask?
Leonard: You should not.
Leonard: I believe each one of you had a motive.
Howard: Who died and made you detective?
Leonard: He did.
Sheldon: Howard, I want you to know I forgive you.
Howard: Thanks, I'll take it.
Leonard: Do you even know what he's forgiving you for?
Howard: Don't know, don't care. Happy Yom Kippur to me.
Leonard: I just wrote the part where the hero, hot shot physicist Logan Dean, arrives at CERN.
Penny: Ooh, is he based on you?
Leonard: Kind of, but he can eat dairy products without having to leave the room.
Wil Wheaton: I suppose you've come here to tell me moved me to your super secret enemies list?
Sheldon: I'll have you know I don't have a super secret enemies list, I'm not a Bond villain. I'm just a regular guy with a regular enemies, list. Which, by the way, you are no longer on.
Wil Wheaton: Well, that's something. It's not something I care about, but it's something.
Sheldon: I just learned some distressing news. Amy sometimes doesn't do things because it would hurt my feellings.
Howard: First of all, it's not sometimes, its always.
Raj: Second, it's not just Amy, it's everyone.
Howard: And third, it's not news, it's well established.
Penny: Really? The Ilsa character didn't bother you?
Bernadette: Oh, he was exaggerating. You're not really like that.
Penny: Well I know I'm not like that. The character was based on you.
Bernadette: I don't know what to tell you. When I brought it up with Leonard, he said it was you.
Penny: Well, when I brought it up, he... got all squirrelly and left the room. Son of a bitch!
Amy: You can't criticize something that you haven't seen.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, have you not met the internet?
Bernadette: Ilsa, the head of the institute, that's clearly Penny.
Leonard: No it's not.
Bernadette: Really? Confident, ball-busting beauty who's always rolling her eyes at Logan.
Leonard: Trust me, that describes more women than you think.
Leonard: It would be nice if you didn't correct me all the time.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: It would be nice if I didn't have to.
Sheldon: I can't keep Wil Wheaton off the internet, but I can keep him off my retinas.
Raj: I don't know which Hemsworth is going to play Logan, but I'm sure it's a Hemsworth.
Leonard: Well, he's based on me.
Howard: So a young Paul Giamatti?
Howard: If you want to be on the show, all you have to do is apologize to Wil Wheaton.
Sheldon: That would be the mature thing to do. Let's put a pin in it and keep looking.
Sheldon: Everyone thinks I'm so predictable. Well, when I come in to work tomorrow, I'm going to do something totally unexpected.
Howard: Wear a baseball hat backwards to prove your point?
Sheldon: (pause) Yes, but which hat?
Raj: The one that says Gryffindor.
Sheldon: You don't know that.
Raj: It's Gryffindor.
Sheldon: (dejected) Yeah.
Wil Wheaton: Time for Professor Proton's science joke of the day. Why can you not trust atoms?
Sheldon: Hmmm.
Wil Wheaton: Because they make up everything.
Leonard: All the time we were living together he drove me crazy.
Penny: And now he's not.
Leonard: Exactly! That means he had a choice! It's like finding out that Godzilla could have had Arby's instead of Tokyo!
Penny: I don't think they have Arby's in Japan.
Leonard: That's not the point!
Penny: (later) I was wrong. Turns out there's an Arby's in Okinawa.
Sheldon: I can't just go to the office every time I have a great idea. It's not safe at night. There's raccoons and undergrads who strut around like they own the place.
Oliver: I talked to Nell. She was pretty upset after you left.
Raj: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Oliver: No. No, no, no, she told me that you said something so creepy that I seemed great in comparison.
Raj: (Showing a picture on his phone) It's me in bed with a beautiful woman, and my watch showing the time as 2:30 AM.
Leonard: So, State's Exhibit A?
Raj: I'm Rajesh Koothrappali. Thank you for taking a walk with me... through the stars.
Leonard: That pause seems to get longer every time.
Howard: I do believe... you're right.
Leonard: It's not your room anymore. We're going to make it into a gym.
Sheldon: Do you really expect me to believe that?
Leonard, Penny: (Simultaneously) No.
Raj: Do you mind me asking what he does for a living?
Nell: He's a firefighter.
Raj: Interesting, potentially jealous man who's handy with an axe. It's okay though, he's had almost 2 weeks to cool down.
Sheldon: I have a confession. When I berated Leonard, it was a clever ruse to conceal the fact that I'm not working on anything.
Amy: Well, I think I speak for everyone when I say
(sarcastic)
Amy: No!
Sheldon: The truth is I have nothing of interest to pursue.
Amy: Well, maybe this is the perfect opportunity to take some time for yourself and re-focus. I'm sure you'll find something you're excited about.
Sheldon: Thank you, Amy. I don't know what I'd do without you.
Amy: (cut to her entering the other apartment) Hey, can I stay here? Sheldon kicked me out.
Penny: Well, is everything okay?
Amy: Yeah. He just wants some alone time to work.
Penny: So it's sort of like a guitar string, but instead of making an actual sound, each vibration is a different particle.
Sheldon: Precisely. And when you express it in eleven dimensions, Einstein's relativity equations pop out. Does that sound like a coincidence?
Penny: It does not.
Sheldon: Yup. That's what I think.
Penny: So... so, did we do it? Did we just solve string theory?
Sheldon: (with a chortle) Oh. I appreciate your enthusiasm, but this is not the sort of thing we can figure out in a night. People have been stuck on this for decades.
Penny: What, decades? Really? It's... it's a string. How hard can it be? It-it... it's straight, it's in a loop, it gets knotted up with other strings. Uh...
Sheldon: Well, actually, there are no knots in anything greater than four dimensions. Ooh, unless we get around that by considering them as sheets. You know, topologically speaking, that has a lot of interesting possibilities.
Penny: See? How long did that take me, like a minute?
Raj: You guys do anything fun after dinner?
Leonard: Uh, actually, Amy came back over and we hung out. Did you know that we were both spelling bee champs? We stayed up for hours trying to stump each other.
Raj: Who won?
Leonard: Uh, well, she thought she had me with "appoggiatura", but I shut that down expeditiously. E-X-P-E-D-I-T-I-O-U-S-L-Y, expeditously.
Raj: Wow. I bet that made Penny take off all of her clothes. Put her pajamas on and then go to bed early.
Leonard: At, like, 9:00, yeah.
Raj: Hey! Look what I got everybody.
Leonard: Newspapers? Did you find a portal back to the 1990s?
Penny: No. If he had that, he'd be trying to prevent *NSYNC from breaking up.
Raj: Oh, please, I'm glad they broke up. Otherwise, Justin would never have brought sexy back.
Sheldon: One thing you can't get on an iPad, the smell of ink and paper. One more reason iPads are better.
Sheldon: The answer is one in 18 million.
Mary Cooper: What is?
Sheldon: The odds of you running into Mr. Watkins.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Shelly, I have bad news. Mr. Watkins passed this morning.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.
Mary Cooper: I know. What are the odds of that?
Sheldon: (getting an idea) Call you back.
Raj: They reviewed my planetarium show. Yeah. It's on page three of the Arts and Leisure section.
Sheldon: (everybody opens their newspapers) Oh, look, they still have "Far Side". Oh, I don't get that one.
Amy: Oh, he's pushing when he should be pulling.
Sheldon: Hmm. I don't think he belongs in that gifted school, then.
Amy: Okay, how do you want to play this? Do you want to pretend like nothing's bothering you and blow up later, or do you just want to be a maniac right now?
Sheldon: Nothing is bothering me.
Amy: Fine. Be that way. If you want to talk, I'll be flushing my sinuses.
Penny: What got you excited about dark matter in the first place?
Sheldon: Well, I left string theory, which I'd been working on for a long time, and everyone was talking about how cool dark matter was, and I thought "Well, sure, I'll give that a whirl."
Penny: So it's your rebound science?
Sheldon: What's that?
Penny: Well, not the science you spend the rest of your life with, but the one you use to make yourself feel pretty again.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: Making a boat. When I was a kid, my dad showed me how.
Leonard: Boy, you'll do anything to avoid reading.
Sheldon: If I'm being honest, I never forgot about string theory. I mean, it's remarkable. It's the closest we've come to a theory of everything, something even Einstein couldn't figure out.
Penny: Well, if he couldn't figure it out, maybe it's just wrong.
Sheldon: But it's so elegant. I mean, look.
(getting up and drawing on his white board)
Sheldon: String theory posits that the fundamental particles we see in three dimensions are actually strings embedded in multidimensional space-time.
Penny: Interesting. So that would mean... that...
(pause)
Penny: Can't do this by myself, buddy.
Mary Cooper: Hello again.
Sheldon: Who did you see at the barbecue festival?
Mary Cooper: Mr. Watkins.
Sheldon: Really? You called me and interrupted my work to tell me that you ran into somebody you could plausibly run into? I'm sorry, mother, I really need to focus here. I will speak to you next week.
Mary Cooper: Okay, sweetheart. I'll talk to you then.
(he hangs up; after a moment of looking at his white board, he dials his phone)
Sheldon: I thought Mr. Watkins moved to Florida.
Mary Cooper: He did. He was back visiting his son.
Sheldon: Oh, gosh darn it, that is interesting. Was it Tommy or Joe? I bet it was Joe, 'cause he and Tommy had a falling out over that timeshare.
Penny: I brought pizza.
Sheldon: Oh, thank you. I have been working pretty hard. I... I could use a break.
Penny: What's that?
Sheldon: Oh, yeah, that is an experiment to see how many parallelograms I could draw while holding my breath.
Penny: (seeing a parallelogram with a squiggly edge) Is that where you blacked out?
Sheldon: (pointing to a spot behind the couch) No, actually, that's where I blacked out.
Penny: And this?
Sheldon: That is a list of all the different types of natural disasters.
Penny: Firequake?
Sheldon: I made that one up. Which I shouldn't have, because now I'm scared of it.
Howard: (after annoying Bernadette) Good news! I'm back in the band!
Raj: So, Bernadette doesn't mind?
Howard: It was her idea!
Penny: Hey, I thought you were working on actual science.
Sheldon: I am. I'm trying to come up with a new approach to dark matter, but people keep distracting me. First, my mother kept answering the phone when I called, even though she knew I was busy. And now you show up with my favorite shape of food: a circle made of triangles served in a square box.
Sheldon: And then I was thinking about inventing a new dark matter particle to evade the omega baryon contraints, but that just seems like something anyone could come up with.
Penny: (not listening) Mm. Agreed. You know what's blowing my mind? Somebody thought about putting cheese in this crust.
Sheldon: I just wish I could find something that excites me.
Penny: You... you do understand that crust doesn't normally come with cheese in it?
Penny: (knock knock knock) Sheldon?
Penny: (knock knock knock) Sheldon?
Penny: (knock knock knock) Sheldon?
Sheldon: (opens door) It's annoying when you do it.
Sheldon: Hello, mother.
Mary Cooper: Hi there, Shelly. You will never believe who I ran into at the barbecue festival.
Sheldon: I am right in the middle of some very important work. I don't have time for this right now.
Mary Cooper: Then why did you answer the phone?
Sheldon: Because you raised me to be polite. Now stop bothering me!
Leonard: Thought you were getting us dinner.
Penny: Sorry. I had to stop at Sheldon's and help him solve string theory.
Amy: (dumbfounded) What?
Penny: Yeah, turns out the answer's knots.
Leonard: That's cute, but you can't have knots in more than four dimensions.
Penny: (heading towards the bedroom) Mm... you can if you consider them sheets. Good night.
Penny: Oh, Amy, you're here. Again.
Amy: Yeah, Sheldon said he needed another night to work, so I said I've give him some space.
Penny: So what's all this?
Leonard: Well, Amy and I were talking about old science fair projects and how fun it would be to re-create them.
Amy: We're making hot ice.
Leonard: It's pretty... cool.
Amy: (high-fiving) Oh, nice one.
Leonard: Turns out we both did this as our science fair projects in ninth grade.
Amy: Do you remember any of your high school projects?
Penny: Uh... well, I remember telling Jenny Runyon that I would teach her how to flirt with boys if she put my name on her project. I got an "A", she got pregnant.
Amy: Girls like you are why I had to come straight home after school.
Amy: This is fun. Playing with popsicle sticks, exploring ways to store kinetic energy. It's like preschool all over again.
Leonard: Except now if I eat paste, it's because I want to, not because Craig Schultz is making me.
Amy: Hey, can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Is it "Where was the teacher"? She was in the bathroom smoking, that's where.
Amy: It wasn't, but I'm glad to see you've moved on. I was gonna ask if being married felt any different.
Leonard: Oh. Uh... not really. Sorry. That probably wasn't the answer you were looking for.
Amy: No, actually it is. I mean, Sheldon and I are in a really great place right now, and I just... I don't want anything to mess that up.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. You do remember you're here because he kicked you out of your apartment?
Raj: Hey, uh, what do you think we should open our show with? Uh, "Thor and Dr. Jones" or "Let's Get Astrophysical"?
Howard: I think we should start with something that gets them up on their feet. Maybe "Sherlock Around the Clock".
Raj: Great, yeah. Uh, let's give it a try.
(they start playing)
Bernadette: (over the baby monitor) Halley's napping! Keep it down!
Howard: (into his own end) Right. Sorry.
Raj: (turning his amp down) It's cool. We don't need volume to rock. Instead of blowing the roof off this place, we can gently lift it off and set it quietly down in the back yard.
Bert: Hey, you want to hear one of my geology songs?
Raj: So it's about rocks?
Bert: Better. It's about a boulder.
Raj: Isn't that the same thing?
Bert: Far from it. A boulder has a diameter greater than 25.6 centimeters.
Raj: Is that fact in the song?
Bert: No... Yes. It's sung from the viewpoint of the boulder that chases Indiana Jones.
Raj: That's right up our alley. Let's hear it.
Bert: Alone in my temple in the middle of Peru/ A giant stone ball with nothing much to do/ But if you steal my idol, I will roll right over you.
Sheldon: You really think you might get cold feet?
Amy: Actually, I was talking about you.
Sheldon: Amy, if there's one thing in this world I'm sure of, you are right to be worried. Goodnight.
Amy: I'm having trouble picking between Penny and Bernadette
Sheldon: Both are blonde, former waitresses, married beneath them
Howard: (referring to Sheldon and Amy) Are they acting strange?
Leonard: I don't think they're acting
Leonard: Sheldon gave me a brain-teaser. It's kind of fun. It's about a group of people at dinner, and you have to figure out where they can sit without fighting.
Leonard: Why can't Amy take you?
Sheldon: Because of the tradition of I can't see her the day the train's for sale
Leonard: Please see a doctor
Howard: (about a Swamp thing figure) It's a little expensive
Sheldon: What if it would make me happy to have it? Knowing I would wake up seeing it every morning for the rest of my life
Howard: Really? A dried clump of swamp grass?
Sheldon: Well Bernadette's no prize either
Amy: I don't have any secrets from you, do you have any secrets from me?
Sheldon: Yes, that's been weighing on me for years, come here
(he hugs her)
Howard: What you did was wrong and cruel, which the mother of my children finds oddly appealing.
Amy: So she still wants to be my maid of honor?
Howard: Maid of honor, hit-woman, whatever you need. Make the call.
Howard: (Sheldon had offered flower girl to Stuart) I thought Halley was going to be your flower girl
Sheldon: That makes more much sense, sorry Stuart, you're out
Penny: Hey, Halley can't reach the liquor cabinet. Why did you baby-proof it?
Howard: How did you know that we did?
Amy: (testing to see how well their friends know them) I was talking to my favorite aunt
Penny: Aunt Felda right?
Amy: Yeah
Penny: Did she ever figure what that thing on her knee was?
Amy: Turned out to be a chocolate chip
Penny: That makes sense, she does love to bake
Amy: She does, you are a thoroughbred!
Penny: Tell everyone your big news
Leonard: I'm starting a book
Sheldon: That would be news from Penny, you've read a book before
Sheldon: I don't know how I feel about all this baby-proofing, if Halley can't teach herself to walk down the stairs, maybe that's nature's way of saying the Wolowitz line ends here
Raj: Really? I thought Howard was nature's way of saying the Wolowitz line ends here
Stuart: Can I interest you in a cappuccino?
Sheldon: When did you start selling those?
Stuart: Someone left it here, but it's still warm.
Leonard: Hey, whatcha making?
Penny: Well, I spilled the cheese packet, so we're having mac & nothing.
Leonard: I'll just have the mac. Nothing gives me gas.
Raj: I have a lot of party favors left over from Cinnamon's birthday so I hope she likes things that squeak when you chew on them.
Sheldon: Oh, Stuart, two questions: Do you have the new Aquaman, and do you mind if I use your back room to smoke some meat?
Stuart: Well, since it's you asking, I'm gonna guess that's not a euphemism.
Leonard: Why are you smoking meat? And why are you reading Aquaman?
Sheldon: I am trying to make Amy a historically accurate Little House on the Prairie dinner for her birthday, and I want to be able to say I was reading it before it was cool.
Leonard: Wow, well, that's actually really sweet. The dinner thing. The Aquaman thing's dumb.
Sheldon: And after dinner comes the birthday coitus.
Penny: Think that part will be historically accurate?
Leonard: I'm sure like all aspects of frontier life, it will be exhausting and short.
Sheldon: You're exhausting and short.
Stuart: Ain't no party like a Stuart party, 'cause Stuart... never gets invited to parties.
Sheldon: (after finishing their frontier dinner as part of Amy's "Little House on the Prairie" themed birthday) So, can I get you anything else?
Amy: (Clearly looking stuffed) No thanks, I think I'm good.
Sheldon: You sure? There's still plenty of pork fat. Although if we don't eat it, I suppose we could turn it into soap.
Amy: That might taste better.
Amy: Is that butter?
Sheldon: Don't use it all on that biscuit, it took me nine hours to make that butter. I think I got churner's elbow.
Howard: Turns out we are having a big birthday party for Halley because Bernadette and "anyone who isn't a heartless monster" thinks it's a good idea.
Sheldon: Well, I don't like children, but I do love birthday cake. Wait, will it have sweet frosting flowers on it?
Howard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Ah, I'll risk it. But if I throw a tantrum and leave in the middle of it, you'll know why.
Amy: I know we only have sex on my birthday, but I don't think I can wait until midnight.
Sheldon: Well, you should. Everyone knows the best foreplay is rigid adherence to a strict schedule.
Amy: My stomach's feeling a little weird.
Sheldon: Me too. I'm sure it's just the first sharp cramps of arousal.
Amy: This doesn't feel right.
Sheldon: Hey, save that sexy talk for the bedroom. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go freshen up.
(Runs to the bathroom and throws up)
Amy: Sheldon?
Sheldon: I'll be out in a minute!
Amy: I don't have a minute!
(Runs over to the sink to throw up)
Howard: Well, this party's a disaster.
Raj: Don't blame the party! You know how many favors I had to call in with my bounce house guy to get Wonder Woman?
Howard: Is that Wonder Woman?
Raj: Technically, it's a Chinese knockoff called Happy Strong Swimsuit Lady.
Howard: I'm just saying, you're a adult, act like it.
Raj: That's big talk for someone holding an Archie comic book.
Howard: Hey, Werewolf Jughead isn't your father's Jughead.
Sheldon: How are you feeling?
Amy: My stomach aches, got the chills, my mouth tastes weird, it hurts to swallow, and I have a little double vision.
Sheldon: Yeah. I"m feeling better too.
Leonard: Isn't Halley's birthday the same day as Amy's?
Howard: Yes, but we're not making a big deal about it. Halley's one, Bernadette's on bedrest, and... I'm lazy.
Sheldon: (He and Amy are still lying on the bed sick from the frontier dinner) Uh oh!
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I left the food out.
Amy: You afraid it's gonna go *good*?
Sheldon: Well, I hope you're hungry.
Amy: Oh, I'm starving.
Sheldon: Oh, good. Starvation is authentic to the time period. If you also have malaria and a deep distrust of Native Americans, we're really cooking with a woodstove.
Sheldon: You know, we did get dressed up and come all the way to city hall.
Amy: What are you thinking?
Sheldon: I have always wanted a permit to dispose of hazardous waste.
Amy: Let's do it.
Dr. Koothrappali: I'm just saying, if you replace Howard with a 22-year-old grad student, your confidence will soar.
Amy: Instead of throwing confetti, we'll release butterflies.
Sheldon: Airborne worms! Have you lost your mind?
Sheldon: Amy, I never thought I'd want to marry anyone. So the fact that I found you is astonishing. It's-it's like finding dark matter, except they're looking for dark matter. I wasn't even looking for you. S-So you're even better than dark matter.
Amy: (chuckles) Sheldon...
Sheldon: Plus, plus, you interact with light, so I can see you. And, also, you don't account for the missing mass in the universe. Oh, and...
Amy: Okay, I think you're getting caught up on the ways I'm not like dark matter.
Amy: Okay, let's see what we've got so far. I arrive in a Little House on the Prairie style horse-drawn buggy.
Sheldon: Where you are met with an honor guard of stormtroopers.
Amy: Do you think that might be jarring, going from wholesome pioneers to space Nazis?
Sheldon: I see what you're saying. You're thinking that you should arrive in a replica of Luke Skywalker's landspeeder.
Amy: It's not what I'm thinking, and to save you the trouble for the future, it will never be what I'm thinking.
Sheldon: What do you think will make the wedding worse for Amy: a cake made with salt instead of sugar or a cake iced with congealed gravy?
Leonard: That is a trick question. The answer is: you as the groom.
Sheldon: Neither of them will be the actual cake. I'm just using it as a bargaining chip to get Amy to agree to the whole wedding party getting rings and us getting one ring to rule them all.
Penny: I've got to learn how to spell Hofstadter. I know there's a "d" in there, but it keeps moving every time I try and write it.
Penny: Let the record show, I did not marry you for the money, but you just got way more attractive.
Leonard: You know what, if you need a computer, you can use my laptop.
Penny: Oh, that's sweet, but I'm not gonna take your computer.
Leonard: Oh, it's fine. I-I'm getting a new one anyway.
Penny: Are you sure?
Sheldon: Don't be silly. He's desperate to hold on to you. You can get anything out of him.
Howard: His car, his watch... Maybe a kidney. You already have his testicles. You can start a collection.
Penny: So how are the wedding plans going?
Amy: We still can't decide on a location.
Penny: I thought you agreed on a cliff overlooking the beach.
Amy: Sheldon couldn't agree on which one. Some where too beachy, some were too cliffy.
Sheldon: And all of them were too outsidey.
Leonard: You having a good day?
Penny: No, I missed an audition because my computer broke, and I didn't get the e-mail. Would've been a perfect part for me.
Sheldon: Was it waitress who ignores her customers? Because that's the role you were born to play.
Penny: Shut up and eat your burger.
Sheldon: Actually, it's a turkey club.
Penny: Didn't you order a burger?
Sheldon: I did, and yet here we are.
Stuart: I'm, uh, I'm running a special today, uh, buy something, keep having a comic book store to come to.
Raj: This is awkward. I was actually gonna return this.
Stuart: What's wrong with it?
Raj: I-I finished it.
Amy: Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon: I planned my revenge. If you get a dish, I'll serve you some cold.
Zack: Are you guys fighting?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Zack: Are you fighting about whether or not you're fighting? 'Cause I've had that fight before. Turns out we were, and I lost.
Leonard: I'm not mad.
Penny: Oh, really? Tell that to your eyebrows. Bet I could place a quarter between them, and it would just stay there.
Leonard: So what are you gonna do with your share of the money?
Raj: Uh, well, as a responsible adult, I'll put that money into a CD, wait for that CD to mature, and then buy a tiger.
Sheldon: The Comic-Con breakup's easy to remember, because Leonard was the saddest Pikachu.
Amy: Right, and he wiped his nose on your cape, and then you were the saddest Darth Vader.
Leonard: You can't still be mad about that.
Sheldon: Please. I have grudges going back to kindergarden. One day, I plan to find an adult Emily Dwyer and make her eat a crayon while I watch.
Amy: Is that why there's an Emily Dwyer on our invitation list?
Sheldon: Of course. That night, I will have the first dance, and the last laugh.
Howard: Did you screw us over?
Kripke: Ooo, I can't tell you that. It's cwassified.
Leonard: Tesla was a genius who invented our electrical grid. Edison just wanted to get rich and famous.
Penny: Didn't he invent the lightbulb?
Sheldon: That's what he wants you to think. But without the foundational work of Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren de la Rue and James Bowman Lindsay, you wouldn't know Edison any more than you know Ebenezer Kinnersley, Warren de la Rue or James Bowman Lindsay.
Amy: Isn't he sexy all fired up? He really gets my current alternating, if you know what I mean.
Leonard: Edison was kind of a publicity hog and a bully.
Raj: Yeah, he electrocuted an elephant named Topsy just to make himself famous. If I had an elephant named Topsy, he would want for nothing. Also, he'd be named Jumbo.
Sheldon: And worse than that, Edison filmed the first on-screen kiss, so he's basically a pornographer... Although every time I put that in Wikipedia, someone takes it out.
Howard: (to Amy) Is your current still alternating?
Amy: We're lucky there aren't any elephants in here.
Raj: All right! Who's excited to see a documentary?
Penny: Oh, I know this one. Nobody ever.
Howard: Sheldon went to the Air Force behind our backs.
Sheldon: I did nothing of the sort. I had an idea for a neutrino-based communication system, I presented it to them, and they were interested.
Howard: But your communication system was based on our guidance system.
Sheldon: And sonar is based on bats. You don't see them hanging upside down in a patent attorney's office.
Kripke: Whoa whoa whoa, you didn't tell me we were doing this just to stick it to Sheldon.
Leonard: Oh, well...
Kripke: I'm messing with you. This sundae just got a cherry on top.
Penny: You know, maybe you're all more like the guy who didn't invent the electric car and less like the guy who didn't invent the light bulb.
Sheldon: She's right. Maybe we're all a bunch of Teslas after all.
Amy: Didn't Tesla die penniless, forgotten and insane?
Howard: (to Sheldon) You may have a point about her social skills.
Sheldon: He wasn't insane.
Leonard: He did fall in love with a pigeon.
Sheldon: Well, if we're gonna call Tesla crazy for loving something small and unappealing, might as well put Penny in a padded cell right now.
Raj: (about his ex lover) I can't believe she dumped me.
Penny: This is tough for me, 'cause I can.
Sheldon: Can you believe they said I was just like Edison? Yeah, and in front of a lady, no less.
Amy: Well, you are building on their work and taking the credit for it. That's a classic Edison move.
Sheldon: Oh, yeah? Well, if I'm Edison and you love me, then what does that say about you?
Amy: I honestly don't know.
Sheldon: Okay. Well, I have to Google some stuff about Mrs. Edison. I'll be right back.
Howard: Why would the military want Sheldon?
Leonard: I don't know. Target practice?
Amy: What do you want to watch?
Sheldon: Oh, why don't you pick.
Amy: Okay, how about comedy?
Sheldon: Eh, I already laughed today.
Amy: I know. It was when I stubbed my toe.
Sheldon: (chuckles) Still funny.
Amy: Drama?
Sheldon: Nah, I've already seen someone cry today.
Amy: It really hurt, Sheldon!
Sheldon: This is about the rivalry between a cool renegade scientist, Nikola Tesla, and his arch-nemesis, Thomas Edison.
Leonard: It's the greatest scientific feud of all time. I mean, you can forget about Leibniz and Newton.
Penny: Done.
Ruchi: Are you sure you're okay with this?
Raj: Honestly, Ruchi, I don't have a lot of experience with casual relationships. I have some experience with serious relationships and a ton of experience with no relationships.
Howard: Look, while Bernadette's on bed rest, we're gonna have to divide and conquer. I've got one monitor for her, one for the baby. Which do you want?
Stuart: I'll take the baby. She's less emasculating.
Raj: Okay, fine. I'm not great at casual relationships, and I don't want to scare her off.
Penny: All right, just give her some space, all right? Don't call, don't text, don't e-mail.
Raj: That's crazy. What if I see a sunset that reminds me of her?
Penny: All right, when do you see her next?
Raj: Uh, we're having dinner tonight.
Penny: Okay. Put a rubber band around your wrist, and any time you start planning your wedding or naming your children, I want you to stab yourself in the hand with a fork.
Raj: What's the rubber band for?
Penny: To slow the bleeding.
Sheldon: I need to talk to Penny alone.
(Leonard chuckles and leaves)
Penny: What's up?
Sheldon: Just a moment. I need to see that Leonard's not listening. I brought a box of cupcakes!
(Beat)
Sheldon: Okay, we're good.
Leonard: Hey, Bert. How you doing?
Bert: Well, you know, we geologists always get a little sad when Rocktober's over.
Sheldon: Wordplay?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Funny wordplay?
Leonard: What do you think?
Sheldon: (distastefully) Eh.
Leonard: Trust your gut.
Leonard: Hey, how's Bernadette handling bed rest?
Howard: Well, she lies around all day eating Mallomars and hollering at me, so her transformation from my wife to my mother is complete.
Sheldon: Congratulations. I know that's what you were hoping for.
Leonard: Look, Sheldon, you were a jerk to Bert, and he walked away from you. So I feel like there's a lot he could teach me.
Sheldon: Bert, please. I know I behaved poorly in the past, but things will be different this time. You'll see. Come on, let me in. We'll have some laughs, we'll calculate some isotope ratios.
Bert: I'm sorry, Sheldon.
(he closes the door)
Leonard: So you just shut the door in his face? I got to start writing this stuff down.
Bert: What do you want, Sheldon?
Sheldon: I would like us to work together again. And I promise to keep my geology comments to myself, becaue while some of them are funny, all of them are mean.
Howard: I don't get how you can enjoy cricket. It makes no sense.
Raj: Did you just come here to complain?
Howard: Yeah. That's the sport of my people.
Ruchi: What people call "love" is actually a series of biochemical reactions in the brain that fade over time.
Raj: Yes. Like the old song, "When a man has a biochemical reaction for a woman."
Ruchi: Raj, we're scientists. We don't need to feel threatened just because we understand the mechanisms that give rise to romantic feelings.
Raj: It doesn't take anything away from the experience. Yes, it does. Actually, it takes everything away from it. Love isn't just science. It's-it's spiritual. It's an acknowledgment of a mystery that's greater than ourselves. It's what makes people write songs and poems, and what has kept "The Bachelor" on TV for 21 magical seasons.
Ruchi: Don't you think the fact that love is given away as a prize on a game show slightly undermines your argument?
Raj: Uh, yes. But I've never missed an episode, and I dare science to explain that.
Sheldon: Leonard, what are you doing here?
Leonard: Bert asked for my help.
Bert: Yeah, he's an excellent scientist, and he doesn't tell me what time I can go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: It's called bladder training. When you're in your 80s, you'll thank me for it.
Howard: Hey, I think that's Bernadette's friend over there.
Raj: Oh, yeah. Hey, Ruchi!
(as she approaches)
Raj: I-I hope this isn't awkward. The last time we met, I kind of embarassed myself.
Howard: Let's see if you can go two for two.
Raj: Hey, uh, who's free tonight?
Leonard: Oh, I think I'm...
Sheldon: Hang on. We've made this mistake before. It's how we wound up at his cousin Deepak's Tupperware party.
Raj: Hey, you use that collapsible bowl all the time, and you know it. And it's not like that. I just thought we could, you know, hang out and go to a bar.
Leonard: Sure.
Sheldon: Very well.
Howard: Sounds fun.
Raj: And watch cricket.
Howard: That sound you hear? Ironically, crickets.
Penny: This is about science. Why'd you come to me?
Sheldon: Well, because it's also about my reputation. And somehow, you managed to hold your head high despite your checkered past.
Penny: Checkered past?
Sheldon: It's a figure of speech referring to how sexually promiscuous you were.
Penny: Really? Well, I've got a figure of speech about how sexually promiscuous you can go be with yourself.
Sheldon: And what is it?
Sheldon: Hello, Amy. What do you mean, where am I? I'm in my office.
Amy: No, I'm at your office, and you're not here. I thought I'd surprise you with dinner.
Sheldon: For future reference, the best surprises are the ones I know about three days in advance.
Amy: Sheldon, where are you?
Sheldon: It's a surprise! There, doesn't feel very good, does it?
Bert: I just have to see if my evenings are free. That's a joke. They are.
Bert: Hey, Sheldon, you left your jacket in my office last night.
Sheldon: Uh, oh. No-no, I didn't. That's-that's not my jacket.
Leonard: Then why does it say "Property of S. Cooper. Stop touching it"?
Sheldon: It sounds like someone named Scooper doesn't want you touching his jacket.
Howard: Are you guys working together on that meteorite project?
Sheldon: Yes, fine. You found me out. I'm doing geology. Just, please, don't tell anyone.
Bert: Are you embarassed of me?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, not you. No, just the work that you've devoted your entire life to.
Howard: So, how was your night with Ruchi?
Raj: Oh, great. We ordered in some food, we had sex, I left. I didn't even ask if she enjoyed it.
Howard: I can field that one for her.
Raj: I mean, I did get a little misty when we said goodbye, but I played it off as allergies. I don't know if she bought it.
Howard: Again, I know.
Sheldon: I'm working with Bert, but I don't want anyone to find out.
Penny: Well, you just told me, so strong start.
Sheldon: Penny, this is serious. My reputation is on the line. What are people gonna think when they see us collaborating?
Penny: I don't know. "Poor Bert"?
Amy: What you got there?
Sheldon: A rock.
Amy: Did some mean boys throw it at you?
Sheldon: It turns out I'm the mean boy. Although I did drop it on my own foot, so kind of.
Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing? Bert's one of the top guys in his field.
Sheldon: And somewhere there's a mime who's top in his field, but you don't see me rushing to collaborate with him on new ways to be stuck in a box.
Howard: Also something I would watch instead of cricket.
Sheldon: I am a respected theoretical physicist. I aspire to win a Nobel Prize someday. But nobody's gonna take me seriously if they find out I've been dabbling in geology.
Penny: Well, why not? They're both sciences. And I know because they're classes my high school counselor said "weren't for me".
Sheldon: They're very different. Physics answers the question "What is the nature of the universe?". Geology answers the question, you know, "What'd I just trip over?".
Penny: All right, well, then don't work with Bert.
Sheldon: Oh, but I like the work.
Penny: Then work with him.
Sheldon: Yeah, but I'm ashamed of the field.
Penny: Then don't work with him.
Sheldon: Yeah, but we could prove dark matter.
Penny: Then work with him.
Sheldon: But I just think that people...
Penny: How many times are you gonna do this?
Sheldon: My record is fourteen.
Stuart: So, you and Ruchi?
Raj: Yeah, I'm sorry. I know you liked her, too, but we just bumped into each other last night and hit it off.
Stuart: No, that's fine. You're my friend and I'm happy for you.
Raj: Oh, thank you, Stuart.
Stuart: Plus, I don't know how you're gonna screw it up, but I know you will.
Raj: What's there to screw up? She just wants to keep things casual.
Stuart: Oh, great. That's how you're gonna screw it up.
Raj: Hey, I can be casual.
Stuart: Mm-hmm. I should get a haircut; this thing's going south fast.
Amy: What's going on?
Sheldon: What if there was something I wanted to do, but I was worried other people would think less of me?
Amy: Is that other person me, and does it happen in the bedroom, in which case I think I'm cool with it?
Sheldon: No. It's about working with Bert on... you know what? I'm not even gonna say it. I am just gonna say the letter it starts with and "-ology". G... oh, no, that's not gonna work.
Raj: So Ruchi and I decided to keep things casual.
(Penny lets out a scoffing laugh)
Raj: What? What? I can handle casual.
Penny: (with another derisive laugh) Oh...
Raj: Why do you keep doing that with your face?
Penny: Because you keep saying stupid things with yours.
Raj: I mean, Ruchi's nice. We're just so different.
Howard: I know. Sometimes when you're dating, you meet weird people. I once met a girl who didn't like juggling.
Bernadette: And she still doesn't.
Bernadette: So you're not gonna see her again?
Raj: What's the point? We're never gonna be in a real relationship.
Howard: Right, so you'll only be in a physical one?
Raj: Exactly. Why would I want to spend time with someone like that?
Howard: Someone who is just interested in sex?
Raj: Yeah.
Bernadette: Raj, do you real...
Howard: Whoa, hold on. Give him a chance. He's gonna get this.
Bernadette: (seeing Raj's blank expression) I don't think he is.
Raj: What is there to get? She doesn't want to fall in love. At that point, all we are is two single people who find each other attractive and enjoy having...
(realization dawns on him)
Raj: Oh, got to go!
Sheldon: I've been thinking about it, and I suppose I... I could help you with your research.
Bert: What changed your mind?
Sheldon: Bert, I'm a gift horse. Don't look me in the mouth.
Amy: Sheldon, you've never cared what people thought, even when you really, really should. That dinner with my parents comes to mind.
Sheldon: If I'm not gonna use "your momma" jokes when I meet your mother, why'd I bother to learn them?
Amy: I'm just saying if you think the work is interesting, nothing else should matter.
Sheldon: You're right, Amy. That is sage advice. Which is surprising, considering your momma is so dumb, she...
Amy: (standing and leaving) Nope.
Sheldon: ...she studied for a urine test.
Bert: Sheldon, I've got these four billion year old meteorites. I thought maybe they'd show signs of neutrino interactions. I could really use someone like you to help me with the math.
Sheldon: Oh, so they would act as natural dark matter detectors.
Raj: That sounds interesting.
Sheldon: It does, but it's still geology. Sorry, Bert, I don't have time to play rocks with you.
Bert: I'm not asking you to play rocks. I'm asking you to collaborate on a research project. Although, if there's time, I guess we could play a round of "zinc, zinc, piece of quartz".
Howard: Does sound better than cricket.
Raj: You know who'd make a great Professor Proton? Meryl Streep.
Howard: She's not a scientist.
Raj: Uh, then explain to me why she has chemistry with literally everyone.
Amy: It would be nice if they cast a woman.
Sheldon: Oh, you've already got "Doctor Who" and the Ghostbusters. Leave us something.
Sheldon: Hello. I am theoretical physicist Dr. Sheldon Cooper, auditioning for the role of Professor Proton. Now, excuse me while I get into character.
(he turns around, then back to face the camera)
Sheldon: Hello. I am Professor Proton. And today, boys and girls, we're going to have fun with science. Did you know you could calculate the mass of an electron using household items? It's true. All you'll need is a pencil, some paper, dry ice, rubbing alcohol, and a spool of 50 micron-thick cobalt-60 wire. And remember, don't put it in your mouth, or instead of becoming a scientist, you'll become wildly radioactive.
Amy: Hang on. I have a question. Do you have any experiments that aren't life-threatening?
Sheldon: Come on! That was a perfect take and you ruined it.
(he does his "enraged" expression)
Sheldon: Oh, look! Hey, I did need "enraged".
Penny: (Over the baby monitor, after she basically had it out against Howard and Bernadette for not trusting her with their baby, she goes in to address a crying Halley) Hey Halley, oh it's okay. Auntie Penny's here. Shhh. Okay, let's get you changed. Your mommy and daddy say they trust me, but they're both full of the same stuff your diaper is.
Bernadette: Now I feel bad.
Howard: Well, she never really liked me. It's kind of nice she hates you now.
Penny: (Continued, with feeling) Oh, but I'm here for you and would never let anything happen to you because your Auntie Penny loves you so much!
Halley: (Almost whispering) Mama.
Bernadette: (Freezing upon hearing that) Was that her first word?
Halley: (Clearer) Mama!
Penny: (Kind of panicking) No, no baby, I'm not your mama. Your mother is a nice lady that we're going to go see right now so I can rub this in her face.
(Bernadette, during this, has picked up the baby monitor speaker and eventually starts looking at it with anger in her eyes)
Penny: (Intentionally addressing the both of them) You hear that, suckers? She called me "mama"!
Howard: (Sitting in bed doing their things) Getting a little hungry.
Bernadette: Want me to get it this time?
Howard: Sure.
Bernadette: (She picks up Howard's phone and rings the bell on the app. Smiling) This IS fun.
Howard: And now you, too, get to see an annoyed blonde walk in the room.
Sheldon: You want me to lie?
Penny: Well, it's not lying. It's acting. Sheldon Cooper may not like kids, but Professor Proton loves them.
Sheldon: Interesting. You know, I really hadn't thought of it that way. It... it's similar to how, you know, I'm afraid of dogs, but my "D&D" character likes dogs, you know? But he's allergic, so he can't be around them.
Penny: Why don't we have a dog?
Leonard: Hey, you can always re-shoot it.
Sheldon: Mm, I suppose. And, you know, maybe I could even get some tips from someone who's acted professionally.
Penny: Oh. Sheldon, obviously, I'd be happy to help you out.
Sheldon: (more condescending than grateful) I don't know what to say.
Nurse: Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette: Want me to go with you?
Howard: No. I'll be fine.
Raj: Yeah, we got this.
Howard: Sit down!
(standing up)
Howard: Wish me luck.
Bernadette: (he heads towards the exit) Other way, buster.
Penny: You really don't trust me. You had to have Amy stop by?
Bernadette: We trust you.
Howard: Yeah. You were a terrible waitress and we still asked you to get us a snack.
Sheldon: They're remaking your show, and they cast Wil Wheaton as Professor Proton. And the worst part is he's not even a scientist.
Arthur Jeffries: No, the... the worst part is I'm sitting on a moist log.
Sheldon: We have to stop this and protect your legacy.
Arthur Jeffries: What legacy? My... my last two seasons, I was on Sunday morning at 5:30. We... we were beat by "Davey and Goliath".
Sheldon: I can't believe you don't care.
Arthur Jeffries: Believe it!
Sheldon: Well, I care, a lot, and Wil Wheaton will rue the day he ever met me.
Arthur Jeffries: I think that's true of most people.
Raj: (reading a pamphlet he got at the urologist's) Okay, uh, this is a bit awkward. It says here that I need to check the area for redness and swelling.
Howard: You know what? It hurts so much, go ahead.
Howard: I'm glad my balls hurt. It's all their fault.
Sheldon: (showing Leonard and Penny his audition tape) So, what do you think?
Amy: Well, I already told him that I loved it, but if you found it dangerous or confusing or, I don't know, three to four times too long, now is the time to share.
Penny: I... I don't know what to say. Leonard, do you know what to say?
Leonard: Sheldon, uh, I thought it, uh... it... it looked like you were having so much fun.
Sheldon: Hey! That's what you used to tell me to say to Penny after one of her terrible plays.
Penny: (hitting him) Hey!
Leonard: Hey!
Amy: Well, what was wrong with it? You know, did you find it... borderline psychotic? I mean, I liked that about it, but... you guys discuss.
Penny: Hi, guys. Wanted to check in and see how you two were doing.
Bernadette: We're okay.
Howard: Yeah, hanging out in bed with my wife, thawing out some frozen peas in my pants; living the dream.
(hearing Halley on the baby monitor crying)
Howard: Oh, I'll get her.
Penny: I thought Raj was helping you out.
Howard: No, he had to work. Plus, he has a quota for the amount of Indian servant jokes he can tolerate, and apparently, I filled it.
Sheldon: When we first met, we were enemies, but we worked through that and we became friends. Do you really want to go back?
Wil Wheaton: Honestly, it doesn't feel any different.
Leonard: Oh, boy.
Penny: What?
Leonard: They cast the new Professor Proton.
Amy: Is it Sheldon?
Leonard: Not exactly.
Sheldon: (from his and Amy's apartment) WHEATON!
Leonard: (turning around back down the stairs) It's Wil Wheaton.
Amy: Okay, you ready?
Sheldon: Yeah, almost. I'm working on my facial expressions. See, uh, I've got interested.
(demonstrating)
Sheldon: Hmm. I've got very interested.
(demonstrating again)
Sheldon: Hmm. And, uh, enranged.
Amy: (he demonstrates) Why would you be enraged?
Sheldon: Hmm. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
Bernadette: (at the urologist's with Howard) You doing okay?
Howard: No, I'm very nervous.
(seeing another patient hobble out moaning, Howard stands up to leave)
Bernadette: Where are you going?
Howard: Gift shop.
Bernadette: There is no gift shop. Sit down.
(he sits down)
Bernadette: This was your idea.
Howard: So was having sex, and look where that got us.
Bernadette: This isn't a big deal. Stop whining.
Howard: When you were in labor and I said that, you kicked me.
Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. What's up?
Sheldon: I need an acting coach.
Wil Wheaton: Oh.
Sheldon: Would you give me Patrick Stewart's number?
Wil Wheaton: (insulted) No.
Sheldon: Fine. I guess you can do it.
Bernadette: Where did you get a bell?
Howard: App store.
(showing her the app on his phone)
Bernadette: Fun. Let me see.
(he hands his phone over, and she puts it in her pocket)
Bernadette: When you catch me, you can have it back.
Howard: How was the doctor?
Bernadette: Good, but I have some news.
Howard: Don't say twins. Don't say twins. Don't say twins. Don't say twins.
Bernadette: It's not twins.
Howard: Oh. I mean, because I would have loved them both.
Bernadette: The doctor said I was overdoing it, so she put me on bed rest just to be safe.
Howard: Oh, no.
(he hobbles towards the bed)
Howard: It may not look like it, but I'm running to you!
Howard: (at home after his surgery) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
Raj: Really hurts, huh?
Bernadette: (sarcastic) No. He's just saying "Ow can these prices be so low?".
(she helps him into bed)
Bernadette: It's gonna be okay. A day or two of rest and you'll be fine.
Howard: You know nothing about Jewish people.
Leonard: Do you remember when you were a kid and you'd watch Professor Proton?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: Well, did he ever make you, I don't know, hate science and the people who do it?
Sheldon: What are you saying?
Leonard: I... I just think it would... better if your contempt for children wasn't so much in the foreground.
Sheldon: They're going to start making Professor Proton's science show again.
Bernadette: I thought he passed away.
Howard: He did. He was cremated, and his remains were put in a baking soda volcano.
Amy: Don't make jokes. He meant a lot to Sheldon.
Leonard: Yeah, me, too. I grew up watching his show. He's one of the reasons I became a scientist.
Penny: Aw. Thought you did it just to get girls.
Leonard: Joke's on you. It worked.
Leonard: Who do you think it should be?
Sheldon: Well, it should be a scientist I respect. You know, someone with a pleasing voice and symmetrical facial features.
Bernadette: Is he talking about himself?
Penny: If he's talking, he's talking about himself.
Sheldon: I just know how much Professor Proton touched me as a child, and I feel I owe it to him to try and touch as many children as possible.
Leonard: (awkward silence) You should put that on your audition tape.
Sheldon: Hello, Arthur.
Arthur Jeffries: What... what part of "rest in peace" don't you understand?
Sheldon: I suppose you're here because you heard the news?
Arthur Jeffries: Sheldon, I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't hear news.
Sheldon: You're a grumpy figment.
Bernadette: (Howard is scarfing down food) Howie, slow down.
Howard: I can't. I'm not allowed to eat for twelve hours before my surgery, and I only got two more minutes.
Leonard: (seeing Raj eating just as fast) What surgery are you having?
Raj: I'm stress eating. My best friend's getting a vasectomy tomorrow.
Penny: And you're sad you won't be able to bear his child?
Sheldon: (looking at his phone) Oh, my goodness.
Bernadette: If it's "vasectomy gone wrong" videos, he's seen them all. Including the one of the guy who's sitting on what appears to be a cantaloupe but is not.
Howard: (putting his plate of food down) And I'm done.
Leonard: (wearily playing Sheldon's car game) I don't know. French police?
Sheldon: Oh, so close. Belgian ambulance. All, right you ready for your next one? Just a warning, this one's a little annoying.
Leonard: Let's take a little... little break. I'm getting a headache.
Sheldon: Aw. Right in the middle of our fun game.
Leonard: Yeah, weird.
Penny: You sound frustrated, and I'm really proud of the way you're able to state your opinion.
Leonard: Thank you.
(realizing what she's doing)
Leonard: Wait, no, no! Don't use that book on me.
Sheldon: Wait, what book?
Leonard: Penny's been using one of Bernadette's parenting books on you.
Penny: What? So has he.
Sheldon: Wh... what makes you think you can treat me like a child?
Leonard: Your shampoo comes in a Big Bird bottle.
Sheldon: That's because the adult shampoo burns my man eyes!
Leonard: So... Howard and Amy working together. That's interesting, huh?
Sheldon: Eh. It's all right, I suppose. Usually when Amy complains about her coworkers, I just tune her out, but now I'll be able to join in and pound away.
Leonard: Sheldon's texting me to drive him to Bernadette's.
Penny: Well, what are you gonna say?
Leonard: Well, they did just introduce the middle finger emoji. If it's not for this, I don't know what it's for.
Howard: Okay, I'm gonna extend the wait time and have it poll the A-to-D converter at the top of the loop instead of the bottom.
Amy: That's impressive.
Howard: You think that's impressive, take apart that brain model.
(she picks up said model from the tabletop and finds a playing card inside)
Amy: Oh, my god! Three of clubs. That was my card! How did you...?
Howard: I used to make it appear in my pants, but HR said I had stop doing that.
Sheldon: Where do you get treating me like a child?
Leonard: Your shampoo comes in a Big Bird bottle.
Sheldon: That's because the adult shampoo burns my man eyes!
Sheldon: I wish I could make Howard feel as angry as I feel.
Bernadette: Really? Interesting. Maybe you could do something he likes.
Sheldon: Like what?
Bernadette: Have you ever read Tom Sawyer?
Sheldon: No.
Bernadette: Chores. He likes chores.
Bernadette: Thanks for letting me put Halley in your room.
Leonard: Yeah, no problem.
Bernadette: Oh, and Penny, she kinda threw up on your stuffed bear.
Penny: Oh, that's okay.
Leonard: Hey. Tha... that's an Ewok, and it's mine.
Penny: Yeah, which is why it's okay.
Sheldon: See? He gets Ewoks in his bed.
Amy: You've got Chewbacca. That's enough.
Raj: I used to have the stuffed racoon from "Guardians of the Galaxy", but Cinammon licked it raw.
Howard: There's a time and place for your randy dog stories, and... it's never and nowhere.
Amy: You know, I could use an engineer on this project.
Sheldon: Well, now this works out great. Howard's an engineer. I'm sure he knows someone qualified.
Howard: She was talking about me, Sheldon. I'm perfectly qualified.
Bernadette: Yeah, Howie's the world's best engineer. It says so right on his coffee mug.
Penny: Aw, you got him a mug?
Raj: I did. But it's not a competition.
Bernadette: Yeah, I lost that battle years ago.
Amy: So, Howard, are you interested?
Howard: Are you kidding? If I could control robot arms with my brain, I'd be able to do so many things.
Sheldon: Really? Because you've been controlling human arms with your brain for years and not much has come of it.
Howard: If we add phase detection to your EEG sensors, I'll have to re-write most of the code.
Amy: Well, can you do that?
Howard: Well, these hands were made to do three things: close-up magic, writing code, and the dirty shadow puppet show that got me kicked out of Hebrew school.
Raj: This is great, the two of us hanging out. Why didn't we think of this earlier?
Sheldon: Agreed. I don't need Amy to watch a movie. I can not hold your hand just as easily.
Leonard: Hey. What you reading?
Penny: A parenting book.
Leonard: Oh, my god. Are... are we...?
Penny: What? No! You think this is how I would tell you?
Leonard: Well...
(he stammers)
Leonard: ...you're sitting there with a book. It felt like anything was possible.
Bernadette: Everything's fine. Howard's really excited about his work, he's been in a great mood. I'm really proud of him.
Raj: And I can fit into the pants I wore in high school. Come on, we don't need to lie to each other.
Bernadette: You're right. I have a teething baby, I'm pregnant, I have a proposal due tomorrow. I don't have time to hear about how much you're missing my husband.
Raj: Well, I think I know why he's been working so late.
Penny: Okay, what is going on?
Sheldon: Well, ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn't been home.
Penny: Didn't that just start this morning?
Sheldon: And has she been home?
Penny: You know, that would frustrate me. Does it frustrate you?
Sheldon: I-it does.
Penny: I get that. You know, it's okay to feel frustrated when things aren't going your way.
Sheldon: I suppose. Ah, maybe it's not that big a deal.
Penny: No. No, no. Your feelings are valid. Now, why don't you go wash up and we'll call you when dinner's ready.
Sheldon: Okay.
Leonard: (Sheldon leaves) What did you do... are you a witch?
Penny: No, I've been reading Bernadette's parenting book. It's like the answer key to the Sheldon test.
Leonard: That's amazing.
Penny: I know. But, you know, it's only birth to five. What do we do when he turns six?
Leonard: Take him to the zoo and leave him there.
Raj: Don't be snippy. I came to see how you were doing. Like, uh, do you need help with anything?
Bernadette: Oh, thank you. There are a few things around the house that I've been waiting for Howard to get to. The smoke alarms...
Raj: No, I meant emotionally. How are you feeling?
Bernadette: Like you're not really here to help me.
Raj: Wow. Still snippy.
Raj: Hey, what are you working on?
Bernadette: Oh, my god, you're still here?
Raj: Well, of course I'm here. I know what you're going through.
Bernadette: Really? You have a needy Indian man in your house?
Raj: I did, but then he came over here.
Penny: (reading a book on parenting) Bernadette left it here.
Leonard: Yeah? Anything interesting?
Penny: Well, I just saw a picture of a baby's head crowning, so I hope you enjoyed sex, because we're done with that.
Sheldon: So how about you and me make some beautiful science together?
Amy: Sheldon, I want to work on this with you, just not tonight. What if we get up early and do it in the morning? I promise, I'll be way more into it.
Sheldon: You know what? There was a time that you would've been happy to stay up and collaborate all night with me. And then wake up in the morning and do it some more.
Amy: Fine, but can we make it quick?
Sheldon: No. If you're just gonna make me do all the work, then go to bed. But don't be surprised if you walk out here and catch me doing it myself.
Bernadette: Did you just come here to complain?
Sheldon: You're complaining too. "Sheldon, why are you here?" "Sheldon, applesauce is for the baby!"
Bernadette: Howard's not here.
Raj: Oh, I know. He's been at the lab every night this week with his work wife.
Bernadette: That's weird. I thought his work wife was standing in my kitchen.
Sheldon: Remember how disappointed you were when Amy started driving me to work?
Leonard: (sarcastic) Sure. Sometimes people smile a big smile of disappointment.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, good news. Amy had to go in early to show Howard around her lab, so you get to drive me.
Penny: (Leonard's face falls) Aw, his smile of disappointment has turned into a frown of joy.
Leonard: It's fine. I've been driving him for years. What's one more day?
Sheldon: Oh, and I've got a new car game we can play. It's called "What Siren Am I?".
Leonard: Kill me.
Penny: Maybe there's something in the book that will help.
Leonard: Worth a shot.
Penny: Okay. Let's see, let's see... biting other children?
Leonard: Well, sometimes, but... problem for another day.
Penny: Okay, wait, wait. Here we go. "Let him have ownership of his choices. Allow him to choose from options that are acceptable to you."
Leonard: All, right I'll give it a try. "I can drive you in two hours or you can take an Uber."
Penny: Good. See, now he feels like he has a choice.
Leonard: (his phone chimes) He's gonna take an Uber.
Penny: Wow, it worked.
Leonard: (taking the book) Unless he bites the driver, yeah.
Amy: What's with the blinking?
Sheldon: It's Morse code. So that we can talk about...
(he gestures at Wolowitz)
Sheldon: ...without hurting...
(he gestures at Wolowitz again)
Sheldon: ...'s feelings.
Amy: Sheldon, I don't know Morse code.
Howard: I do. And if you have something to say, you can say it to my face.
Sheldon: Oh. All right.
(he blinks in Morse code)
Howard: I'm a little rusty. Could you say that again?
Penny: So is this how it's gonna be if we have kids? You're just gonna throw me under the bus?
Leonard: If you spoil them the way you do Sheldon, then yeah.
Penny: Uh, my way was working, okay? I think you're just upset because there are some things I am better than you at.
Leonard: Well, you can't end a sentence with a preposition, so clearly not grammar.
Penny: If you're so smart, was that a smart thing to say?
Leonard: That depends. Before I said it, was sex tonight still on the table?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Then it's fine.
Howard: So this is it?
Amy: Yes. We are using it to map brainwave patterns and then converting them into electrical impulses that can be used to control anything, from wheelchairs to robots.
Howard: Based on that ring on your finger, I'd say you're pretty good at controlling robots.
Amy: Careful. That's my fiance you're talking about. And I can program him to hurt you.
Sheldon: The only kind of engineer I'm interested in blows a train whistle. Ooh, that gives me an idea for a new road game. What kind of whistle am I?
Leonard: Train.
Sheldon: Actually, it was going to be a kea kettle, but it was on a train, so I'll give it to you.
Penny: No more stories about sex, so, Amy, that brings us to you.
Amy: Well, at work, we've been doing some interesting work with neuroprosthetics.
Penny: Neat. I've been re-watching "The O.C.", so we're all leading productive lives.
Amy: We've been working on a computer interface that can use brainwave patterns to control robotic limbs, but we're having a little trouble localizing the signal from the EEG cap.
Howard: Oh, well, have you thought about adding a phased array of sensors for better localization?
Amy: Actually, that never occurred to me.
Penny: It never occurred to me I would miss the Ewok conversation.
Leonard: Good, 'cause I just bought another one on Amazon.
Bernadette: Thanks for letting me put Halley in your room.
Leonard: Yeah, no problem.
Bernadette: Oh, and, Penny, she kinda threw up on your stuffed bear.
Penny: Oh, that's okay.
Leonard: Hey. Tha-That's an Ewok and it's mine.
Penny: Yeah, which is why it's okay.
Sheldon: (to Amy) See, he gets Ewoks in his bed.
Amy: You've got Chewbacca, that's enough.
Raj: I used to have the stuffed raccoon from Guardians of the Galaxy, but Cinnamon licked it raw.
Howard: There's a time and place for your randy dog stories, and... it's "never and nowhere".
Penny: (her phone chimes) Leonard, did you really just text me from the couch to put extra mustard on your sandwich?
Leonard: I was worried you might not check your e-mail.
Penny: (her phone chimes again) I swear to god, I will throw this out.
Leonard: That one was not me.
Penny: (checking her phone) Oh, wait, it was just your mom.
Leonard: My mother's texting you?
Penny: Yeah. We've been talking a lot lately.
Leonard: Why? She sick of talking to the magic mirror on the wall?
Howard: (about a model rocket from his childhood) Could never bring myself to open it without him. It's silly.
Sheldon: No, it's not silly. I always wanted my dad to build rockets with me, but he wasn't interested.
Raj: Ah, yes, disappointing fathers. Tell me about it. I remember for my sixteenth birthday, my dad bought me a Mercedes. Like, a little one, like a starter Mercedes. He had barely handed me the keys before he had to rush back to work. I didn't see him again 'till, like, pretty late that night.
Howard: Anyway... as angry as I was with him leaving, building this stuff is probably what led me to become an engineer.
Sheldon: I suppose, in his own way, my dad also encouraged me to pursue science. I mean, he is the one that taught me that flatulence is combustible. And also, polyester gym shorts don't burn. They melt.
Leonard: I want to know, why aren't you proud of me?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, isn't the real question why aren't you proud of yourself?
Leonard: No, that is *a* question - and I ask it a lot - but let's stick with the one I asked you.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: But why do you think I'm not proud of you?
Leonard: Because you never say it? But two days into chatting with Penny, and you can't stop telling her how great she is.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: She is great. Honestly, of all of my children's spouses, she's the one that I'm most impressed by.
Leonard: Seriously?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. She's confident, she's thoughtful, and she never complained about you once. I know what kind of strength that takes.
Leonard: So Penny's your favorite?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I suppose she is. You married well, Leonard, and for that, I am proud of you.
Amy: Don't you want a little version of Howard?
Bernadette: I already have a little version of Howard.
Howard: Now I'm having a son? I'll have to teach him how to play sports, and... and *watch* sports, and... and... and... and... and... and...
Raj: (to Leonard) He just ran out of man things. He's in trouble.
Sheldon: Do you think I could try going a little faster?
Howard: Go for it, champ.
(he gives Sheldon a soft, fatherly shoulder punch)
Sheldon: Ow.
Howard: Sorry. Just ease on the gas and...
(as Sheldon steps on the gas, the car lurches forward)
Howard: OH, TOO MUCH! TOO MUCH!
Sheldon: Why was I scared of this? This is exhilarating!
Howard: No, it's not! Slow down!
Sheldon: Don't tell me what to do! You're not my father!
Howard: (letting Sheldon drive) Your hands are at 10:00 and 2:00. Good. Steady on the gas. Okay. Now, you're gonna want to slowly switch lanes.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Because there are only two, and you're not in either of them.
Penny: Oh, uh, hey, Beverly, you called my phone, not Leonard's.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Actually, I was hoping to speak with you. Is this a good time?
Penny: Uh, that depends. What time is it where you are?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: (checking her watch) Uh, just after 5:00.
Penny: (taking a wine bottle from the fridge) Yeah, that counts. What's up?
Sheldon: Are you gonna be this mopey all the way home?
Howard: I don't know. Maybe.
Sheldon: There any chance you'd be cheered up by an amazing trigonometry riddle?
(Howard looks at him in exasperation)
Sheldon: Well, if you can't answer that, there is no way you're gonna get this riddle.
Howard: You really want to drive?
Sheldon: It seems like the perfect time. The roads are straight, there's no one around, and you don't seem to care if you live or die.
Howard: Live, Sheldon. I want to live.
Sheldon: That makes things a little trickier, but I'll do my best.
Leonard: (Howard is nervous about having a son) It's okay. We're all here to help.
Sheldon: Yes. And this baby will have plenty of manly role models. You know, I'm certain that whatever Bernadette can't teach him, Penny can.
Leonard: Uh, she can pee into a bottle.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Anything with a neck wider than a nickel.
Howard: I should have brought peanuts.
Sheldon: You can't eat peanuts. You're allergic. If you die, who's going to drive me home?
Howard: I'm not gonna eat them. It's a thing they do at JPL. When the Ranger mission finally had a successful launch, there were peanuts in the room. Ever since then, they have them at every launch.
Sheldon: That sounds like a silly supersition.
Howard: It's more of a tradition.
Sheldon: Oh! I do love a tradition. Pull over at the next peanut store.
Howard: I don't think that's a real thing.
Sheldon: Oh, don't be pedantic. Any nut store will do.
Howard: I... I don't think we can get peanuts out here.
Sheldon: Ah, well, then this whole day's ruined.
Howard: Now that I think about it, maybe it is more of a superstition.
Sheldon: Whew! That was close.
Leonard: You got a sec?
Amy: Sure. What's up?
Leonard: Penny's been talking to my mother like they're best friends, and it's kind of freaking me out.
Amy: Okay... I am pretty sure they're not best friends. 'Cause you can only have one best friend. And Penny has that, and...
(she clicks her tongue)
Amy: ...it's me.
Leonard: Oh, really? Is she FaceTiming with you right now? Because she's FaceTiming with my mom, and believe me, that is not a face you want to spend time with.
Sheldon: You know, studies have shown that people distracted by emotional issues are poor drivers.
Howard: What about people distracted by irritating passengers?
Sheldon: That would be hard to test, because "irritating" is a subjective quality.
Howard: Strongly disagree.
Howard: (in his garage) I haven't looked at all this stuff in years.
Sheldon: Had it. Had it. Burned down my garage with it.
Raj: I had three model rockets as a kid, and that was the largest space program in India.
Sheldon: You have a replica Saturn V?
Howard: Yeah. My dad bought it before he, you know, abandoned our family.
Sheldon: Lucky duck.
Raj: So, you know, I understand why Howard is nervous about having a son, but are you really upset about it?
Bernadette: No, I'm fine. It's just I grew up with a bunch of brothers, so I thought it'd be nice for Halley to have a sister. Is that wrong?
Raj: Of course it's wrong! You don't know what this little boy's gonna be like. Maybe he'll be rough and tumble, or maybe he'll be sweet and sensitive, or maybe he'll be all those things, like me.
Bernadette: You're rough and tumble?
Raj: You bet I am, bitch. But I'm also sensitive and regret saying that.
Bernadette: Howie, there's a lot of amazing things you can teach a son.
Raj: Yeah. You do always know how to pick just the right antacid.
Howard: I don't know if I can teach that. It's just something I was born with.
Raj: What's all this?
Bernadette: I'm just boxing up all the clothes Halley's outgrown. I guess we won't need them anymore.
Raj: Oh, well, slow down. I'm sure there's some you could re-use for a boy.
Bernadette: (holding up a onesie) "Daddy's little girl"?
Raj: Okay, well, what if we, uh, change it to say "Daddy's little girl magnet"? Boom! Boy shirt.
Bernadette: (holding up a tutu) What about this?
Raj: Uh, okay. Uh, pull off the skirt, slap a lightning bolt on the front, and you got baby Flash. Ooh! Stick a long sleeve under it, boom! Baby Sheldon.
Bernadette: Wow, you're really good at this.
Raj: Oh, please. This isn't my first time turning girl clothes into boy clothes.
Bernadette: Why? You got your sister's hand-me-downs?
Raj: Yeah, that.
(following their own trains of thought)
Amy: Well, I have been pretty busy lately. Maybe I've been neglecting our friendship.
Leonard: Penny knows I have a complicated relationship with my mother; it's like she doesn't even care.
Amy: And with everything going on at the lab and planning the wedding, I just... I have so little free time.
Leonard: Penny doesn't know how manipulative my mother can be. Did you know there's such a thing as reverse, reverse, reverse psychology? Because...
(indicating his head)
Leonard: ...there is.
Dr. Sanders: So, you two ready to find out the sex of this baby?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Absolutely.
Dr. Sanders: Is Halley hoping for a little brother or a little sister?
Bernadette: Well, she's nine months old, so unless it jingles or is in my bra, she doesn't care.
Penny: Do you not want me to be friends with your mom?
Leonard: Well, let's be clear. I... I married you to hurt her. You're kind of ruining it.
Penny: Hey, where you going?
Leonard: Back to the dry cleaner. Look at this. They didn't get the stain out of my Starfleet uniform.
Penny: Well, if you didn't make me wear the green body paint in bed, you wouldn't have to get it dry cleaned so much.
Leonard: Nah, it's worth it.
Police Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Sheldon: 112.
Police Officer: Let me see your license.
Sheldon: (quietly to Howard) Okay, here's the plan.
Howard: No.
Sheldon: Fine.
(handing the officer his license)
Sheldon: There you go. You know what? You can just keep it.
Howard: All right, here we go. L-minus ten, nine...
Sheldon: Wait, what are you doing? It's "T-minus".
Howard: I was an astronaut. We used "L-minus".
Sheldon: But this is a Saturn V, and when they launched those, they said "T-minus".
Howard: It's my rocket! We're doing it my way.
Sheldon: Fine. I'm not saying I know why your dad left, but I think I'm getting an idea.
Howard: L-minus ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
Sheldon: 'Cause you're kind of bossy.
Howard: ...five, four, three, two, one...
(rather than lifting off, the model blows up)
Sheldon: I remember them going up higher.
Howard: Well, that's perfect. I mean, the one thing I thought I could do with my son, I can't even do that right.
Sheldon: Well, if you want to see it again, I got it on video. Looks pretty cool in slow motion.
Howard: Thank you for your support.
Sheldon: You're welcome.
Howard: I was being sarcastic.
Sheldon: How dare you!
Howard: Sheldon, what am I gonna do? I mean, what do I know about raising a boy?
Sheldon: What do you know about raising a girl?
Howard: Oh, my god, you're right.
Sheldon: Well, I don't know if that was sarcasm or not. So either "You're welcome" or "Hey!".
Howard: (as the doctor's office) It feels like it wasn't that long ago we were here doing this for Halley.
Bernadette: 'Cause it wasn't. Which reminds me, before we leave, let's get you a vasectomy.
Howard: Oh, that's sweet, but today is all about you.
Howard: You know, as a kid, I used to make model rockets. That'd be pretty cool to do with a son.
Sheldon: Model rockets. Finally, something interesting. What is your preferred mode of conveyance?
Amy: Sheldon, we're helping our friends.
Sheldon: And we got to model rockets, yeah? It was a tedious road, but well worth the effort.
Amy: So, have you thought of any names?
Sheldon: Amy, we finally got to model rockets. Why are you turning back?
Raj: Come on, you can't really be disappointed.
Howard: Hey, I barely know how to be a man myself. Now I have to teach someone?
Sheldon: Hmm. As the saying goes, those who can't do, teach.
Sheldon: Can I drive?
Howard: No. You can't drive. You don't even have a license.
Sheldon: Actually, I do?
Howard: Really? Since when?
Sheldon: Three years ago. I went on a bit of a license kick. I'm also a commercial fisherman.
Howard: Then why don't you ever drive yourself?
Sheldon: Honestly, I barely passed my test. And the one time I drove on my own, I made a U-turn, got dizzy, threw up, and walked home.
Sheldon: Reason number thirteen to feel good: as a launch, it was bad, but as an explosion, it was glorious. Reason fourteen: you still have all your fingers, and boys prefer a dad with fingers.
Howard: Thanks for trying, but you're not gonna be able to cheer me up.
Sheldon: Well, how about this, then? You quit your whining before I give you something to cry about, young man.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Those are comforting words my father would often say.
Howard: Did it help?
Sheldon: I turned out great. You tell me.
Penny: Hey, Beverly.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, hello, Penny.
Penny: Uh, Leonard just left. He's gonna be so upset he missed your call.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Because he... yeah, I don't know. How are you?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Did you mean personally or professionally?
Penny: Um, personally? Like, what'd you do last night?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I had Cuban food at the home of a man with whom I shared unsatisfying intercourse.
Penny: Wow. Okay.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: And to anticipate your next questions, roasted pork and sideways missionary.
Penny: Sure. Sure. 'Cause you were full.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: You may find this surprising, but I don't have a lot of what you would call girlfriends.
Penny: (exaggerated surprise) What?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Of course, there are my female colleagues, but, uh, they're all Freudians, so the only boy that I can dish about is my father.
Penny: Uh, well, you know, I'm here for you. What do you want to talk about?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, last time, we focused on my life. If we're going to be real girlfriends, we should talk about you, as well.
Penny: Well, you know, if we're gonna be real girlfriends, we should get a third girl we can trash behind her back.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, so we'd be catty. Oh, I like it. What about Sheldon's fiancee? She seems a bit dour.
Penny: Ooh, "dour". Meow.
Howard: You know what? Forget the past. What do you say you and me build this rocket?
Sheldon: That sounds like it could be a real bonding experience for us.
Howard: Right?
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Oh, you think that's a positive.
Raj: (using a sewing machine) Oh, hey. Hey, what do you think?
Bernadette: Just because it's a boy, I don't think you need to put a picture of genitals on his shirt.
Raj: But that's a baseball bat with two little baseballs.
(tilting his head)
Raj: Okay, and now I see it.
Sheldon: Whatev? I'm sorry, are you really not gonna finish that word?
Amy: I'm just trying to make a point.
Sheldon: Finish the word, Amy!
Amy: Fine, er... Er, er, er!
Sheldon: Thank you. Only now you owe me three more "whatev"s
Sheldon: Dr. Jekyll's other personality was Mr. Hyde... Mr. Hyde, didn't have a post-graduate degree.
Bernadette: One of the great things about being pregnant is drinking cranberry juice out of a wine glass and watching people freak out.
Stuart: You wanna play a game of who's more desperate with me? 'Cause you're in the big leagues now, Bucko.
Sheldon: And for the record, you make noises when you sleep, and I've never accused you of repressing your inner chainsaw!
Penny: (Penny is drinking Romulan Ale -vodka with blue dye- with Sheldon and Leonard) I don't know who the Romulans are, but those guys know how to party!
Howard: Yeah, this is public radio. Doesn't he realize that dozens of people might hear him?
Janine Davis: I think that you are the smartest physicist at this university.
Leonard: Really?
Janine Davis: See? Lies. They're not that hard.
Bernadette: At the office, I have two assistants. I don't even know their names, I just call them Thing One and Thing Two.
Janine Davis: So if I just said I was worried you might not have a job next week, how would you feel?
Leonard: Light-headed, and glad you asked me to sit down.
Leonard: It just turns out that Physics is exactly like Lost. It started out great and turns out just a big ol' waste of time.
Amy: Has he ever called you to tell you he found three peanuts in one shell? 'Cause Sheldon has.
Leonard: I have to say I'm a little nervous.
Janine Davis: You should be.
Bernadette: You know, there's so much money in pharmaceuticals, we don't even wash out our test tubes. We just throw them out and get new ones.
Sheldon: And the last time I assumed a woman was pregnant, it did not go over well.
Leonard: Do you have any alcohol around here?
Sheldon: Not surprisingly, when Penny moved out, she took every last drop.
Leonard: If we weren't physicists, what would we be?
Howard: I don't know. Popular?
Sheldon: He publicly maligned the love of my life, Lady Physics.
Leonard: -Oh, hi, you wanted to see me?
Janine Davis: Yes. I wanted to talk to you about the e-mail you sent me last night.
Leonard: I sent you an e-mail?
Janine Davis: You bet you did. "Hello. Shalom and aloha from the grave of Richard Feynman."
Leonard: Oh, it's coming back to me.
Janine Davis: Please accept the following retraction: I know I said physics is dead, but it is the opposite of dead. If anything, it is undead, like a zombie. Speaking of which, if Richard Feynman came back as a zombie, I would totally let him bite me.
Leonard: Any chance that's the end?
Janine Davis: I got bit by a squirrel once. "I had to get rabies shots. I cried so much, my mother said don't be a baby.In conclusion, physics is great. Squirrels suck, and someday, I'm gonna put my mom in a cheap nursing home. Yours truly, XOXO, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Amy: I know. The university has been throwing money at my study. With any luck, there'll be a brain disease with my name on it.
Leonard: Yeah, who wouldn't want to hire the physicist who publicly said physics is dead?
Leonard: I went to high school with a girl named Theresa Gluino, but it didn't cost $2 billion to find her.
Raj: The only part of me that's been to Brazil is my bikini line.
Howard: Sheldon's right. I would never ask a woman if she was pregnant, unless she tells me or I see a human being wiggling out of her.
Stuart: Who would've thought that Sheldon and Amy would be the next two to tie the knot?
Raj: Tell me about. I'm the one who caught the bouquet at Leonard and Penny's wedding.
Stuart: Okay. Uh, you know, they might like this. Superman and Wonder Woman, it's kind of romantic.
Raj: Hmm. You know what? Why am I buying them a gift? They have love. Screw them and their happiness. What do you have for someone who's bitter and alone?
Stuart: (gesturing around the store) Literally everything.
Dr. Zhang: I'm sorry, I'm sure you don't want to sit here and listen to a bunch of work talk.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I love it. No, but let's talk about work. Amy's work, my work. You know what? Why don't we start with my work?
Dr. Harris: Actually, I do have a question for Dr. Cooper. When Amy first told you about her approach to synaptic tracing, did you think it was gonna revolutionize the field?
Sheldon: I d... really? That's your question? What are you, "Entertainment Tonight"? You know what? I'm gonna give you a better question. Here, um... "Dr. Cooper, I heard you were working on a top-secret project for the U.S. military. Why don't you tell us about that?". See, that's a great question.
Dr. Harris: Okay, what was that like?
Sheldon: Oh, I can't tell you that. It's top secret.
Dr. Harris: Dr. Cooper, we are so excited to meet you.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, that's very kind of you. If you'd like, I could autograph your menus after dinner, yeah? But I'd better not see those on eBay.
Dr. Zhang: (he laughs) No, no, no. We're just excited to meet the man who landed this brilliant woman here.
Sheldon: Oh! That wasn't hard. She threw herself at me. Now, getting the universe to show me her naughty bits, that... that took some doing.
Stephen Hawking: Are you sitting in the bathroom?
Sheldon: Yes. I needed a place to storm off to and it was all that was available.
Stephen Hawking: Fine, but if I hear a flush, this conversation is over.
Sheldon: These people wer in the presence of a world-class mind and all the wanted to talk about was their own nonsense,
Stephen Hawking: Can you see the irony in that statement?... How about now?... How about now?... I'll wait.
Amy: Sheldon, these are the heads of my research team.
Sheldon: (shaking hands) Hello.
Amy: Dr. Zane, Dr. Harris, this is my fianc?, Dr. Sheldon Cooper. That's the first time I've said that, and it kind of gave me the goosebumps.
Bernadette: Look, I'm gonna tell you something, but you can't freak out because I'm already freaking out.
Penny: Oh, my god. What is it?
Bernadette: I'm pregnant again.
Penny: Wha...
(realizing she's about to freak out, she composes herself)
Penny: Interesting.
Bernadette: Howard's gonna lose his mind.
Penny: Wait, you haven't told him yet?
Bernadette: No.
Penny: (touched) You told me first? Oh, Bernie!
Raj: Now that Sheldon's out of the picture, I could give you one more chance to go out with me.
Ramona: Nope. I'm good.
Raj: You sure? I will not ask again.
Ramona: I sincerely hope not.
Raj: Very well. I'm going to leave before this gets awkward.
Sheldon: There's something I need to say to you.
Amy: I'm listening.
Sheldon: I've been thinking about the Avengers.
Amy: I believe that. But I don't think that's something you needed to say to me.
Sheldon: I realized that Iron Man is great. And also, that Captain America is great. And sometimes, Iron Man is in a Captain America movie, and he's not mad it's not an Iron Man movie. You know, he can fly in, give the audience a thrill, and then fly away. And that should've been me tonight. I should have been the delightful cameo in your movie.
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Instead, I was like the Hulk, and I...
Amy: Okay, please stop talking about the Avengers.
Leonard: (offering Penny a cake) Surprise!
Penny: Oh, crap. Is it our anniversary?
Leonard: No. Wait.
(thinking for a moment)
Leonard: No.
Penny: No. All right, so what are we celebrating?
Leonard: Well, you know, Bernadette and Howard are pregnant again, and Amy and Sheldon are getting married. I didn't want you to feel left out.
Penny: Oh. Left out? Well, Bernadette has to grow a baby inside of her, and Amy has to marry one. My life is great.
Leonard: So do you not want the cake?
Penny: (he moves to take it back) Try and take it away, see what happens.
Leonard: (pulling his phone out of his pocket and checking it) Oh, crap. It is our anniversary.
Penny: (through a mouthful of cake) Happy anniversary!
Penny: You asked Stephen Hawking and not her father?
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking's a genius. If he said no, I wasn't gonna waste my time on her father.
Amy: But you did ask my father?
Sheldon: I did. He said yes. Although not in a robot voice, so it wasn't nearly as cool.
Penny: Okay. Oh, my god, I can't believe you guys are engaged.
Sheldon: We're not engaged yet. She's taking forever to answer.
Amy: (irked) Because you're on the phone!
Sheldon: We'll call you back.
(he hangs up; Leonard hangs up his end, as well; a second later, the phone rings)
Sheldon: She said yes.
Raj: They're my friends, and I should be happy for them. And... and I'm trying, but all I feel is this gnawing, empty sensation in my gut.
Stuart: I had that once. Turned out it was a tapeworm.
Raj: Cool. Uh... it's just... it's hard talking to my other friends about this, but I knew you'd understand.
Stuart: Why is that?
Raj: Because you and I are both alone, which is actually kind of comforting, because at least we can be alone together.
Stuart: Mm. This is... this is awkward. I, um... I was actually gonna close up a little early tonight 'cause I have a date.
Raj: Really?
Stuart: Yeah.
Raj: Forgive me if I'm having trouble being happy for you.
Stuart: Don't be silly. I'm loving your pain.
Leonard: So, how are you guys doing with all the new events in your... womb?
Bernadette: Good, you know? Obviously, it was a surprise. There was some crying and some yelling.
Howard: Some suggestion of make-up sex that did not go over well, even though it's not like we can get more pregnant.
Bernadette: But then we realized that it's a gift, in the sense that we didn't ask for it, and we may not have chosen it...
Howard: And we already have one.
Penny: You know, whenever I find a top I like, I always go back and get a second one in a different color.
(realizing what her statement sounds like)
Penny: Which I hope is not the case for your baby.
Stephen Hawking: Well, Sheldon, I think you should make her finger like Saturn and put a ring on it.
Penny: Hey, where are you?
Sheldon: I came to Princeton to see Amy. It's a funny story, actually. I was having lunch with Dr. Nowitzki, and she kissed me.
Penny: Excuse me?
Leonard: What?
Amy: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: And in that moment, I realized that Amy was the only woman I ever wanted to kiss for the rest of my life. So I came to New Jersey to ask her to marry me.
Sheldon: Will you marry me?
(his phone rings)
Sheldon: One moment, please.
Amy: (incredulous) Really? You're gonna answer that right now?
Sheldon: It's Leonard. I don't want to be rude.
Sheldon: Boy, that was exhausting. You know, no offense, but your colleagues were pretty rude.
Amy: Really? They were rude?
Sheldon: Yes. They just kept talking about you and how great you are, no matter how many times I brought me up.
Amy: You know, these are my colleagues, and they want to talk about my work. Why does that bother you so much?
Sheldon: Because I was there. It's like having Optimus Prime over to dinner and not asking him to turn into a truck.
Bernadette: This wasn't supposed to happen. We were careful.
Penny: Yeah, I didn't even think you could get pregnant while you were breastfeeding.
Bernadette: Well, guess what? You can.
Penny: Okay, look... look, this is a good thing. Halley's gonna have a little brother or sister to play with.
Bernadette: I guess that would be pretty cute.
Penny: And, you know, I was a surprise to my parents, and my dad said it was the best thing that ever happened to them.
Bernadette: Okay. Maybe this baby actually is a blessing.
Penny: Oh, my god, honey, of course it is.
Bernadette: (pause) How am I pregnant again?
Penny: Yeah, what were you thinking?
Sheldon: I want to let you know right now that we are not getting married in a church.
Mary Cooper: That's all right, Sheldon. Anywhere Jesus is is a church.
Sheldon: Well, he won't be at our wedding.
Mary Cooper: He's in my heart, so if I'm there, he'll be there.
Sheldon: Okay, well, then he's your plus-one. You don't get to bring anyone else.
Mary Cooper: That's fine. Love you.
Sheldon: Love you, too. Bye.
Mary Cooper: (they hang up) Lord, thank you. Even though you can do anything, that was mighty impressive.
Sheldon: We're engaged.
Raj: Oh, my god, that's amazing! Wait, uh, tell me everything.
Sheldon: Well, Dr. Nowitzki was kissing me...
Amy: Okay, you can stop leading with that part of the story.
Leonard: Hey, where you been? We've been calling you for hours.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. My phone was on "airplane" mode.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: Because I was on an airplane.
(he gives Amy a "duh" look)
Amy: Why don't you stay a few extra days?
Sheldon: Well, I don't have any other clothes.
Amy: We'll get you some.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. I'm pretty particular.
Amy: Well, there's a comic book store less than a mile from here.
Sheldon: Perfect. Let's go shopping.
Penny: Do you think Sheldon's gonna want some weird "Star Trek" wedding?
Bernadette: (distracted) I don't know.
Penny: Well, Leonard could barely finish the words "Doctor Who wedding cake" before I shut that down hard.
Bernadette: Mm-hmm.
Penny: Are you listening to me?
Bernadette: Yeah, you're mean to Leonard. I heard you.
Amy: I'm having dinner with some colleagues tonight. I'm sure they'd love to meet you.
(he lets out a moan of disinterest)
Amy: Come on, what do you say?
Sheldon: Aw, you're nagging me. It's like we're already married.
Amy: Is that a yes or a no?
Sheldon: Jeez, save some for the honeymoon.
Sheldon: All right, I'm all checked in to my flight.
Amy: Well, I'm sad you're leaving. Why'd you only book a flight for one day?
Sheldon: I came here to propose. If you'd said no, I wouldn't want to stick around looking at your stupid face.
(seeing her expression)
Sheldon: Now, mind you, your face is only stupid in the "no" version of the story.
Amy: But I said yes, so I get a lifetime of this.
Sheldon: Yes, you do, smart face.
Leonard: I know you guys are freaked out, but you're great parents, and if you ever need help, we are here for you.
Penny: Yeah. Anything at all, just ask.
Bernadette: Ooh, you know what you could do? You could have a baby, too.
Penny: I'm sorry, what?
Howard: No, that's a great idea. We could go through it together. Wouldn't that be fun?
Leonard: You guys were just saying how freaked out and miserable you are.
Bernadette: I say a lot of crazy things. I'm pregnant and hormonal. Do it! Have a baby, do it!
Howard: Come on, it'd be so cute, our kids playing together? What do you say? Why don't you two hit the old mattress and whip up a family?
Penny: Okay, we're not gonna have a baby just to make you guys feel better.
Leonard: Yeah. If we're gonna have a baby, it's gonna be when we are ready, or when I'm certain Penny is gonna leave me.
Penny: Exactly.
Sheldon: Mother, I have some good news to share.
Amy: (giddily) We're engaged!
Mary Cooper: I am so happy for you two, but I'm not surprised. I've been praying for this.
Sheldon: Well, God had nothing to do with it. It happened because I was kissing another woman, and it made me realize I wanted to be with Amy.
Mary Cooper: More than one woman was interested in you? I might have prayed a little too hard.
Amy: You know what, Sheldon? You're not always the smartest person in every room. You may not even be the smartest person in this room.
Sheldon: Oh, I am sorry. What, is Neil deGrasse Tyson hiding behind the couch? 'Cause if he is, he's not that smart; it's pretty dusty back there.
(Amy storms off)
Sheldon: Hey, where are you going?
Amy: I'm storming off to my room.
Sheldon: Wait, where am I supposed to storm off to?
Amy: Well, you're so smart. Why don't you figure it out?
Sheldon: (looking around as her door closes) Is there another bedroom? Perhaps a... a den?
Sheldon: I'm proud of you. And I'm going to try to do a better job of sharing the spotlight, because we're a team. You know? Much like... t-the Dodgers. If they had superpowers, and fought crime. And Thor was in them.
Amy: Sheldon, I know this isn't easy, but you'll have a whole lifetime to practice.
Sheldon: I... it could take that long. I'm really bad at it.
(they hug)
Sheldon: You know, maybe, um, I should start right now and go back to Pasadena and let you have this experience to yourself.
Amy: You just want to go back 'cause that's where everybody makes a fuss over you.
Sheldon: You know, your colleagues are right. You are brilliant.
Howard: (on the phone with Sheldon) Well, congratulations. I'm so happy for you two. Hold on, I have to tell Bernadette.
(knocking on the closed bathroom door)
Howard: Hey, Bernie, guess what? Sheldon and Amy got engaged. Can you believe it?
Bernadette: (staring in worry at a pregnancy test) Oh, my god. I cannot believe it.
Howard: (obliviously) She's so happy... I think she's crying.
Penny: Think of yourself as one of those limited-edition toys people like to collect.
Sheldon: I already do.
Penny: Well then, you get it.
Sheldon: Oh, because there's only one of me, I'm more valuable.
Penny: Right.
Sheldon: Although, Amy's already taken me out of my package and played with me.
Penny: What do you want us to do?
Amy: I don't know. Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.
Sheldon: This is from Patrick Stewart. It says, if I come to his house again, I get to meet his dogs.
Amy: I was offered a summer research fellowship at Princeton.
Sheldon: A fine institution. The place where Albert Einstein taught, and where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill.
Sheldon: (knock-knock-knock) Amy.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Amy.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Amy.
(Amy opens the door and sees Sheldon on one knee with an engagement ring)
Sheldon: Will you marry me?
Sheldon: Oh, one last thing. If you find yourself working with a male scientist, who's as smart as me, as tall as me, and has hair like Thor, well then, I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.
Amy: (Ramona Nowitzki appears in Sheldon's life again) Should I worry?
Penny: No, come on, it's Sheldon, nothing is going to happen.
Amy: That's what you said to me when I started dating him. And then five years later, bingo-bango, something happened!
Bernadette: Yeah, but you're going to be back in three months.
Amy: (sighs) You don't get it. I've been smacking that ketchup bottle for a long time. All she's got to do is tip it over and point it at her fries!
Penny: What do you want us to do?
Amy: I don't know! Might be the New Jersey talking, but this Nowitzki broad needs to disappear.
Leonard: Are you excited to have your own place again?
Raj: I am, but I'll miss you guys.
Leonard: We'll miss you too.
Raj: You could try saying that without smiling.
Leonard: I'm trying. This is the best I can do.
Leonard: Sir, I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. You came into our lab in the middle of the night and took our prototype and all of our research and didn't even tell us?
Colonel Williams: Sounds like you get it.
Howard: Why would you do that?
Colonel Williams: You guys completed Phase One, we'll take it from here.
Sheldon: Where did you move it?
Colonel Williams: I can't tell you that.
Leonard: Are you implementing Phase Two?
Colonel Williams: I can't tell you that.
Sheldon: Wait, so you're just going to take all the work we've done for the last year and toss us aside?
Colonel Williams: That one I can tell you: yes.
Howard: This is all very upsetting.
Colonel Williams: I'm sorry to hear that. As you know, the primary focus of the United States Military is people's feelings.
Sheldon: If that's sarcasm, please save it for our enemies.
Sheldon: I've never really lived by myself. What if I become strange and eccentric?
Amy: I'll love you no matter what,
Sheldon: (Walks into an empty apartment by mistake) The Air Force did it again! They're erasing our lives!
Leonard: (Sees number on door) Third floor. Wrong apartment.
Howard: Although, if anyone's gonna clean out your apartment and disappear, it'd be Penny.
Leonard: She might disappear, but she's definitly not going to clean anything.
Computer: Leonard Hofstadter. Access granted.
Leonard: I don't care if this thing's burning out my retinas. Makes me feel special.
Penny: Listen to me. Your relationship can handle being long distance for a while. It's not like you two are very physical.
Amy: Hey, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.
Amy: A lot of lectures?
Amy: Alright, so you know.
Howard: How can you work on something for a year and they just take it?
Leonard: I can't believe the Air Force would treat us like that.
Sheldon: You know, I have a good mind to stop paying my taxes. It's too bad I enjoy doing them so much.
Sheldon: All my life I thought Uncle Sam was a friendly uncle who brought you presents. Turns out he's the other kind.
Amy: This might cheer you up. I made your favorite oatmeal: plain.
Sheldon: Princeton. A fine institution. It's where Einstein taught. It's also where Leonard got his PhD, so it may have gone downhill since then.
Penny: Champagne, champagne, and for the world's tallest second grader, apple juice.
Sheldon: No bendy straw. Some party.
Sheldon: Besides, Princeton is in New Jersey, so it's not like you're gonna want to stay'
Sheldon: I got the blues. My baby done left me.
Bernadette: So what happens next?
Howard: It's phase two. We test it, perfect it, and hope to live long enough to see the movie based on our lives starring more attractive versions of ourselves.
Sheldon: If you find yourself working with a male scientist who's as smart as me, as tall as me, and has hair like Thor, well then I want you to step away from the situation and call me immediately.
Raj: Come on, Sheldon. Amy's only gone for a few months. And now that I'm moving out, your old room is empty, so you can stay there whenever you want.
Leonard: Raj, could I talk to you on the hall for a second?
Raj: Sure.
(Raj steps out, Leonard closes the door behind him and locks it)
Amy: You said juggling was dumb, too.
Sheldon: Well, it is. If I wanted to hold 3 things at once, I'd wear cargo pants.
Sheldon: (walking along the sidewalk on very tall stilts) I'm doing it. I'm doing it. I'm tall, and I'm doing it.
(wakes up in bed)
Sheldon: Aw, man.
(Sheldon has just stormed out)
Amy: His mother warned me. Everybody warned me. Actually, * he* warned me.
Bernadette: It's not like I wanted to be a ventriloquist. I was in beauty pageants and I needed a talent besides spreading rumors that the other contestants were pregnant.
Leonard: We're pinned down!
Howard: We can't get through!
Raj: Sheldon, get over here and help!
Sheldon: OK, one second.
Leonard: Sheldon, why are you jumping up and down?
Sheldon: I'm trying to shoot!
Howard: Then use the 'Shoot' button not the 'Wonderful-thing-about-Tiggers' button!
Leonard: Aaaw.
Raj: That's it. We're dead.
Howard: Challenge them again.
Leonard: Doing it right now. They can't; there's an important Little League game tomorrow.
Howard: No wonder they beat us; they're jocks.
Amy: I'm sorry I called you a quitter.
Sheldon: Oh, it's okay. I stopped being upset about that. And no, the irony is not lost on me.
Zack: What are the odds of running into you here?
Penny: Well, it's a bar, so pretty good.
Amy: What happened to learning the unicycle?
Sheldon: I stopped that; it was dumb. Uni-, bi-, tri-, menstrual; all cycles are dumb.
Amy: I'm sorry, Bert, but aren't you worried she's only with you for your money?
Bert: She'd better be. On our first date, I bought her an 80-inch flat screen.
Sheldon: Your first date? Did you even measure her walls?
Sheldon: (after Bert introduces Rebecca) She's younger and far more attractive than he is.
(to Leonard and Penny)
Sheldon: They're copying you two.
Raj: I feel bad for Bert.
Sheldon: Well, so he's using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy? Or Leonard using his power of groveling to get Penny?
Leonard: It's totally different. Bert's money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time.
Penny: All that and he's shorter than me.
Raj: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?
Sheldon: So many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.
Raj: Really?
Amy: Relax, we're the same blood type. He knew he could harvest an organ.
Leonard: Don't you have a friend you can set him up with?
Penny: Hey, I already set up Howard and Bernadette. It's your turn to ruin some poor girl's life.
Howard: How about after this we go see the exotic bird show?
Stuart: Not a good idea. My hair is a coveted nesting material.
Sheldon: (a joke only physicists get) Heisenberg is pulled over by a police officer. And the policeman says, "Did you know you were going 85 miles per hour?" And Heisenberg says, "Darn it, now I don't know where I am."
Penny: So Bert, you were telling us how you updated your profile?
Bert: Right. I wasn't getting any responses and then I added recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner. Five minutes later, I met my soul mate.
Bernadette: What if she likes the people who work there more than us?
Howard: She already likes soap bubbles more than us.
Sheldon: All right, we're about to go live. Everyone on their A game.
(claps)
Sheldon: Good energy...
(flatly, to camera)
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr, Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: And I'm Dr. Amy Farrah-Fowler.
Sheldon: And welcome to a special retrospective, where we will take a look back at the history of Fun with Flags on an episode we're calling
Sheldon, Amy: Fun with Flags: Behind the Flags, a Retrospective.
Penny: Bert, you're a good guy. You deserve a woman who is interested in more than just your money.
Bert: She was also interested in walking around my house in her underwear. Now the only one doing that is me.
Raj: I haven't had much success meeting people online.
Bert: I didn't either until I revamped my profile.
Sheldon: What did you do, delete your photo?
Rebecca: Where's your bathroom?
Leonard: Just down there.
(Rebecca leaves)
Bert: She's so perfect, sometimes I think she isn't real. And then she goes to the bathroom, and I know she is.
Penny: Aww, that's so weird.
Sheldon: (a joke only physicists get) Feynman, Einstein and Schr?dinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, "It appears we're inside a joke." Einstein replies, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously." To which Schr?dinger says, "If someone is looking in the window, I'm leaving."
Bernadette: Polar bears nurse their cubs for almost eight months. The orangutan mother builds her baby a new home every night. And what do I do? I choose my career over my child!
Sheldon: Bert, Rebecca, I'd like to apologize for my insensitive comment earlier.
Rebecca: Don't worry about it. It's fine.
Sheldon: See, it was fine. I didn't need a time out.
Amy: It wasn't a time out. Let's get some food.
Sheldon: You made me sit on the stairs and think about what I did...
Amy: (Nudges Sheldon) I said get your food!
Raj: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?
Sheldon: Oh, so many things: her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.
Raj: Really!
Amy: Relax. We're the same blood type; he know he could harvest an organ.
Raj: I feel bad for Bert.
Sheldon: So he's using his money to attract a mate. Is that any different than me using my intelligence to attract Amy, or Leonard using his power of grovelling to get Penny?
Leonard: Totally different. Bert's money might run out, but I can beg until the end of time.
Penny: All that, *and* he's shorter than me.
Howard: What are you making?
Stuart: Chicken. Birds mess with my hair, I come back hard.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Stuart: Can't a guy hang out at a college he doesn't go to and stare at a baby that isn't his?
Bernadette: It would be nice to raise Halley to be a little more independent than you were.
Howard: I guess. It wasn't until college that I learned you can put a thermometer in your mouth.
Raj: I'd love a personal trainer. I haven't seen my abs since they opened a Shake Shack on my drive home.
Rebecca: I can give you some free sessions.
Penny: Oh, is that offer for everybody?
Leonard: Nice try. I'm not going.
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr, Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: And I'm Dr. Amy Farrah-Fowler.
Sheldon: Based on the glowing reception of our recent Behind the Flags Retrospective we thought you might like to see how it all came together
Amy: So welcome to tonight's episode:
Sheldon, Amy: Fun with Flags: Behind the Behind the Flags, a Retrospective Retrospective.
Sheldon: Oh, we already have our first call!
Amy: Oh. Hello, you're on Fun with Flags.
Bert: The jet-ski worked. I got her back.
Amy: (talking about Sheldon) How could he not remember a day?
Penny: Well, people who are abducted by aliens lose time. I mean, maybe it happens to the aliens, too.
Amy: Why did you tell Leonard you're working on the gyroscope tomorrow?
Sheldon: Because I am.
Amy: But you said you were working for me.
Penny: Uh-oh! Somebody's got two dates to the nerd prom.
Sheldon: I have a plan to work on both projects simultaneously. (to Penny) And for your information, the summer conference on algebraic topology at Caltech is nerd prom.
Penny: Hey Leonard, if you're not busy tomorrow, I have to do a little reception at work.
Leonard: Oh, I would, but we need to make a push on the air force project.
Penny: Are you sure? We're celebrating our new ADD drug. I mean it'll probably be over in like six minutes
Amy: Did you say you guys are working on the guidance system tomorrow?
Leonard: Yeah, why?
Amy: Well, Sheldon said that he was going to work with me on our quantum perception projct.
Leonard: We've had this planned for a week.
Amy: Well, he reconfirmed with me this morning.
Raj: Guys, before this gets ugly, remember - the winner gets Sheldon.
Amy: (Looking at their boards) Wow. Look at that.
Sheldon: Yes. It's remarkable.
Amy: So we're agreed: it's total garbage.
Sheldon: By the way, your name can go first.
Sheldon: I believe I've made some progress on our ground rules.
Amy: Oh, good. What are they?
Sheldon: Number one: in matters of physics, I have the final say. In matters of neuroscience, you have the final say, unless I disagree. Number two: when we publish, my name goes first. Oh, subsequently, if we win any awards, I speak first. I don't want to be talking when the orchestra plays us off.
Amy: Can I see that?
Sheldon: Of course.
(Amy takes notebook and tosses it out the window)
Sheldon: I'll get that back. Like all my underwear, that notebook says "Property of Sheldon Cooper".
Amy: Sheldon, if we're gonna have ground rules, I'll tell you the first ground rule: I make the ground rules.
Sheldon: I'd write that down, but I can't now, can I?
Raj: So, Downward Facing Dog comes from the Sanskrit phrase Adho Mukha Svanasana.
Penny: Oh, that's beautiful. What does it mean?
Raj: Downward facing dog.
Penny: Yeah, I guess they don't have Sanskrit for butts up and heads down.
Raj: Hey, we wrote the Kama Sutra; if it involves butts there's a word for it.
Sheldon: Can you stop breathing so loud? I can hear your nose whistling.
Amy: I can hear your face talking, so we're even.
(Beat)
Sheldon: All right! Either blow your nose or teach it to play Camptown Races!
Amy: FIne! Fine! You want me to blow my nose? Here, I'll blow it!
(Blows nose really hard at Sheldon)
Amy: Better?
Sheldon: No, I can still hear it. Oh, wait, that's me. Never mind, it's fine.
Sheldon: Can you read them back?
Amy: Revised ground rule number one: we are on the same team but it *is* a competition.
Sheldon: Excellent, excellent. And on a related point, you're going down, punk.
Amy: Revised ground rule number two: there are definitely stupid questions, and those who ask them can be told so right to their *stupid* face.
Sheldon: I love that one.
Amy: Thanks, babe. Number three: fair topics for insult include educational pedigree, scientific field, intellectual prowess, and mommas.
Sheldon: That list is *strong*. Like your mother's urge to be promiscuous with sailors.
Amy: (after carrying her harp up the stairs) You know, I like harp lessons, but I'm thinking of switching to elevator repair lessons.
Sheldon: It seems we have a choice to make. Abandon all ground rules in the name of science or give up collaborating for the sake of our relationship.
Amy: There's only one clear choice.
Sheldon: Science.
Amy: No, you bonehead!
Amy: We're finally making progress. I wish we could do it without fighting.
Sheldon: What if the fighting is the reason we're making progress?
Amy: I suppose it's conceivable that the hormones associated with our fight or flight response could be sharpening our cognitive processes.
Sheldon: If good ideas came out of your brain the way mucus comes out of your nose, we'd be in good shape.
Sheldon: It could be the most inspired combination since I mixed red Icee into my blue Icee. It was like drinking two sevenths of the rainbow.
Amy: I had a feeling you were using the wrong computational model, but I didn't say anything 'cause you're so sensitive!
Sheldon: Just because I'm easily bothered by light, heat, sound, smell and the way birds look at me does not mean I'm sensitive!
Sheldon: Gentlemen, the most interesting thing just happened with this spoon.
Howard: Unless it was singing "Be Our Guest", I doubt it.
Sheldon: Biology and physics coming together, this is like the peanut butter cup of the mind.
Leonard: (about Raj) We do have Sheldon's old room. If her really needs a place to stay, I guess we should offer it to him.
Penny: You're a good friend.
Leonard: Am I still a good friend if I wait and hope that Howard offers him a place to live first?
Penny: You're an even better husband.
Penny: You didn't do anything. It's Sheldon.
Leonard: "You didn't do anything. It's Sheldon." That'd make a nice needlepoint pillow.
Sheldon: Penny, this flyer came in the mail and is addressed to "occupant". I'm not sure if it's for you or me.
Penny: What's it for?
Sheldon: Uh, roof cleaning.
Penny: It's yours.
Raj: How's the bathroom situation with Penny? Is there hair everywhere? Does she use your loofah?
Leonard: I don't have a loofah.
Raj: Well, you can't use mine, so don't ask.
Howard: You have a Raj, I have a Stuart, maybe we could take them to the park, let 'em run together.
Leonard: I don't know. Yours looks like he has worms.
Sheldon: Beverly, you know I hold you in high esteem. Could you please skip the part where you pretend not to know the answer and get to the part where you tell me the answer?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Very well, but if you don't mind, I would like to pause for effect.
(pause)
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Now...
Sheldon: I spoke with Leonard's mother and she made me feel better.
Leonard: I don't know who you talked to but that wasn't my mother.
Sheldon: Beverly, do you have time? Leonard tells me that you're busy.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I just say that because he prattles.
Raj: I have a PHD in astrophysics.
Stuart: Great. It'll be easier for you to look up at the stars without a roof over your head.
Sheldon: It's Raj and his attack tribble.
Leonard: (reading a note from Raj) p.s. Cinnamon's with me, but if you feel like messing with Sheldon, tell him she's loose in the building.
Penny: We're happy to have you.
Raj: Thank you, but how do I know you're not saying that just to be nice?
Penny: You actually paid for that haircut?
Raj: That'll do it.
Sheldon: ...Penny would be the entr?e, Leonard is basically a cheese course, and because I love you so much, you're dessert.
Amy: I wanna say "aww", but I"m gonna say "eww".
Amy: He's getting better with dogs. Last week, he took a picture with Pluto at Disneyland.
Sheldon: If real dogs gave out buttons, I'd like them too.
Leonard: Aw, man, did you see this post from Raj?
Penny: What? Is it another video of him and his dog lady-and-the-tramping some spaghetti?
Leonard: No, he can't afford his apartment, and he's asking if anyone knows of a cheap place to live. I want to say India, but it seems mean.
(cut to Howard chuckling as Bernadette gets into bed with him)
Bernadette: What's so funny?
Howard: Raj is looking for a cheap place to live, and I wrote India.
Bernadette: Don't post that. Be supportive.
Howard: Maybe you should be supportive of my hilarious jokes. Fine, what should we do?
Bernadette: We're smart; I'm sure we can think of something.
Howard: Want to let him live here?
Bernadette: Oh, we're smarter than that.
(Cut to Sheldon and Amy in bed)
Sheldon: I know our apartment is small, but I think we could make room.
Amy: No! We are not getting a life-size Spider-Man statue!
Leonard: You are not a burden. We want you to come back and stay with us.
Raj: But I also upset Sheldon, and he's not going to want to come over if I'm there.
Penny: More reasons for you to stay.
Leonard: That was just because my mother got in my head. It's like being possessed, but instead of Satan it's... it- actually it's the same thing.
Sheldon: D'you know what? I'm proud of us. Yeah, with Penny and Leonard taking in Raj and Stuart living with Howard and Bernadette, we're the only couple of our social group who doesn't need to fill the holes in their relationship with a third party.
Amy: (flatly) Yup, we're killing it.
(Sheldon looks over at a life-size statue of Batman)
Amy: There are a lot of memories wrapped up in that room for me too. The first time you told me you loved me was in that room.
Sheldon: Wrong. We were standing outside my room in the hallway.
Amy: And there's the love of which I speak.
Amy: No! No Hulk, no Batman, no life-size statues!
Sheldon: Boy, I'm starting to think you didn't mean it when you said you wanted to spruce up the place.
Sheldon: (using a mechanical calculator) Uh-huh. Interesting. OK.
Raj: How bad is it?
Sheldon: Let me put it this way: do you own a barrel and suspenders?
Raj: Are you serious?
Sheldon: I'm not wearing this visor to play women's golf.
Penny: (Penny enters) Hi. Oh, let me guess. You guys are drafting your fantasy accounting firms.
Leonard: We're helping Raj figure out his finances.
Penny: Oh, he has a job; how bad can it be?
Sheldon: Well, his rent and car lease are exceedingly high. You couple that with his penchant for dining out and shopping...
Penny: Wai-wait, not shopping for clothes right? Because look...
(gestures at Raj)
Howard: You actually think Penny will have fun at Comic Con?
Leonard: No, which will make me miserable, which is usually Sheldon's job.
Sheldon: She's gonna hate waiting in line for the panels.
Howard: She's gonna hate the crowds at the panels.
Sheldon: She's gonna hate the panels.
Leonard: She's gonna hate how often we say the word "panels".
Penny: You know, maybe it won't be that bad. Leonard says it's really mainstream now. Comic books aren't just for sad nerds anymore.
(They pass Raj in an Aquaman costume waiving a sign for ComiCenter)
Penny: I mean, it's still a key part of their demographic.
Amy: Penny says they're ready to go.
Sheldon: Very well. Prepare for a long night of deceit.
Amy: Sheldon, women can wear makeup. It's not lying!
Sheldon: I was talking about Leonard. And if makeup is so truthful, why is it called concealer?
Leonard: Now we're going as Hulk and She-Hulk! I don't wanna take my shirt off at Comic-Con!
Sheldon: If I may speak for Comic-Con, we don't want that either.
Penny: You know what, it's no big deal. I can put up with anything for three days.
Amy: Comic-Con is five days.
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Amy: You're actually going to Comic-Con?
Penny: Well, Leonard wants me to do more stuff like that with him, so I thought maybe this year I'll tag along.
Amy: Well, that's sweet. I bet you'll have fun.
Penny: You wanna come?
Amy: No thanks. I already live in a place all the nerds come to.
Penny: Please? I went to your boring thing last month.
Amy: (indignant) My aunt's funeral?
Penny: Come on, even you checked your e-mail during the eulogy.
Leonard: So, this is the main Comic-Con floor. It's where all the vendors and exhibits are.
Penny: Wow! There's a lot of people jammed in there.
Leonard: I know. Sometimes Howard wears a striped shirt so we can play 'Where's Wolowitz?'
Raj: I'm looking to make extra money and was wondering if you had any chores I could do.
Howard: Hang on. Bernie, can I outsource my chores to an Indian guy?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: I tried.
Sheldon: There's my pretty girlfriend.
(pats her shoulder)
Amy: I'm not going with you to Comic-Con.
Sheldon: You, what! Can't a man just be happy to see his woman and pat her on her second most erogenous ball and socket joint?
Amy: He can, but it's still not changing my mind.
Sheldon: (seductively) Well, maybe what's in my pants will change your mind.
(Amy turns to face him, hopefully)
Sheldon: It's a list of this year's panelists. It's long, isn't it?
Leonard: Hang on, so I have to bring Penny, you can't afford it, Howard's gonna get in trouble, and he' s going to have a great time?
Sheldon: I'm going to go as Dumbledore.
Leonard: I thought your father paid all your credit cards.
Raj: I have a card for emergencies that I pay for myself.
Sheldon: What kind of emergency happened at the LA Zoo?
Raj: That's a penguin I sponsor. They're losing their homes to global warming and my car gets like seven miles a gallon, so I felt bad.
Howard: Dinner's almost ready. If you like meat loaf, I'm sure you'll like its cousin, bowl of meat.
Leonard: Maybe you should find someone to help you get your finances under control.
Raj: Like a business manager?
Sheldon: Oh, absolutely not! You can't afford to hire somebody who'll forbid you from spending your money on foolish expenses. It's a foolish expense and I forbid it.
Howard: Oh, what if there's somebody who just likes controlling other people and stealing joy from their lives?
Sheldon: He sounds like a sociopath.
Leonard: We don't know; his mother never had him tested.
Sheldon: You're talking about me. Very funny. Although... I would enjoy drawing up a budget and forcing Raj to adhere to it without an ounce of compassion.
Raj: And before you start, I am not interested in you arranging a marriage for me.
Dr. Koothrappali: Oh, I gave up on that a *long* time ago.
Raj: You did?
Dr. Koothrappali: It's too much work. You're an adult who can't get by without an allowance from his parents. Women don't want that.
Raj: Wha- what are you saying? That you- you're giving up on me? What kind of father gives up on his son?
Dr. Koothrappali: I have six children, five of whom are married and self-sufficient. I don't think I'm the problem.
Raj: I can't believe what I'm hearing; this is deeply hurtful.
Dr. Koothrappali: You're also too sensitive; women don't want that either.
Amy: Oh, look. It's Bert at the bar. We should say hi.
Sheldon: Why?
Amy: Because that's what you do when you see someone you know in a public place.
Sheldon: I have multiple restraining orders that say otherwise.
Amy: Sheldon, there's a difference between greeting a friend and following a celebrity to the bathroom.
Sheldon: The judge couldn't explain it to me, I don't see how you will.
Amy: (after Sheldon invites Bert to join them for dinner) Sheldon, that was so sweet of you.
Sheldon: I could deduce by his facial expression and body language that he was sad.
Amy: So the part where he got stood up didn't clue you in?
Sheldon: You want me to look at him and listen to him?
Sheldon: Why aren't you talking to me?
Amy: Because I'm mad at you.
Sheldon: Oh. Now I'm sorry I asked.
Bert: I'm meeting someone too.
Amy: Oh really, anybody we know?
Bert: I doubt it. I met her on gHarmony. That's a website for geologists to find love.
Amy: That's a real thing?
Bert: Yeah. Their slogan is: We're all about dating, and not the carbon-14 kind.
Sheldon: Thank you, Bert. You're a good man. That woman who stood you up and humiliated you last night really missed out.
Bert: That doesn't paint me in the best light.
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Correction, that woman not only had vigorous coitus with Bert, but she also tipped him a dollar for a job well done.
Leonard: Go!
(Raj takes a deep breath and holds it)
Howard: Come on, Raj.
Leonard: You can do this.
Sheldon: There's no way.
Penny: What is happening?
Leonard: This is an Euler's disc. It's a physics toy that demonstrates angular momentum, potential energy and kinetic energy.
Penny: Aw, look at you watching sports.
Howard: We're betting to see if Koothrappali can hold his breath longer than the disc can spin.
Sheldon: Its weight and smoothness along with the slight concavity of the mirror mean it can spin for a long time.
Leonard: But Raj is from India which means he's no slouch at holding his breath.
Penny: OK, I want in. Ten bucks says I'll lose interest before that thing stops spinning.
Amy: (Amy enters) Hey, Sheldon, I found a great restaurant for date night.
Sheldon: Oh, eh, kinda busy right now.
Amy: Oh, an Euler's disc; fun.
Howard: Yeah, we're seeing if Raj can hold his breath longer than it.
Amy: Oh, immature.
Amy: The food here's supposed to be great. Don't fill up on chips.
Sheldon: Oh I won't. I have a trick. I only eat equilateral triangles. Isoceles, isoceles, scalene...
(tears a corner off one chip and eats it)
Sheldon: You didn't see that.
Sheldon: Two years ago... I got my driver's license.
Amy: What? Why didn't you say anything?
Sheldon: Well, I like being chauffeured around. It makes me feel important.
Amy: So, when I got up at 4:00 a.m. to drive you across the desert to an antique train museum, I didn't have to?
Sheldon: No, you didn't. But keep in mind, I felt extremely important.
Raj: (walks in with a Gucci bag) Hello-o!
Penny: Oh, someone's been shopping at Gucci.
Raj: Yeah, I saw something for Halley, and I couldn't resist.
Bernadette: That's so sweet of you.
Raj: Yeah, it's a crushed velvet baby cape.
Howard: Oh, no. Now we have two.
Penny: That must have been expensive.
Raj: Yeah, it was, but it's my father's money and I'm mad at him.
Leonard: What's going on with your dad?
Penny: And if you really want to hurt him, I look great in Chanel.
(Sheldon has been haranguing the cafeteria)
Leonard: What brought that on?
Sheldon: Well, last night Amy was angry with me because I've been foolishly telling people about certain personal matters.
Howard: That's understandable.
Sheldon: Mmh, I know that now. At first, I thought she was cranky because of her horrific menstrual cramps, but... it turns out no, she was genuinely mortified.
Bernadette: When you moved here you didn't have a lot of money; how'd you get by?
Penny: Well, sometimes you can get free food and wifi from the neighbors... Just know you might have to marry one of them
Sheldon: I'm sorry you were embarrassed, and now I understand that some things are just between you and me, and in the event of redness and swelling, Dr. Fink.
Bernadette: Sorry, Howie's back at work and there's just so much going on.
Amy: Is there anything we can do?
Bernadette: Sure: open up a college fund, shop for life insurance, and in the laundry room there's a mountain of dirty laundry. Wash it or burn it; your choice.
Sheldon: I'm an engineer now. And just so we're clear, a train engineer. Not the goofy kind you are.
Leonard: I got it.
(adds to Sheldon's equation on the whiteboard)
Howard: You really figured it out?
Leonard: No, but when we show this nonsense to Sheldon, it will make him crazy and he will have to fix it,
Howard: You're a genius.
Leonard: I know. That's not even a math symbol. That's just Charlie Brown's hair.
Sheldon: In the world of theoretical physics, you never finish. So much is unprovable. But when I was studying that railway guide, it was so tangible and so satisfying that something just clicked. Then it clacked. Then it clicked and clacked, click-clack, clickety-clack and here we are! Whoo-whoo!
Howard: OK. I'm zeroing out the electro-osmotic flow rate in the micro-fluidic channel.
Leonard: Nicely done, Howard.
Howard: Well, my wife is four foot ten and sexually satisfied, so clearly I know my way around tiny things.
Leonard: Good for you. On the cutting edge of new technology and still making inappropriate comments about the mother of your child...
Howard: And those are just the things I say out loud.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, we need to stop immediately.
Howard: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I've been looking at the math, and I think we can make the device between eight and ten percent smaller.
Sheldon: That's great, but the Air Force approved the specs; we're good to go.
Howard: Yeah, it doesn't need to be smaller.
Sheldon: Shame on you! Where would we be if poodle breeders had that attitude? I'll tell you: we would have the standard and miniature poodle, but no toy or teacup. Which, by the way, is not an official breed, but that's just poodle politics.
Leonard: Can we please stop talking about poodles!
Sheldon: Fine. Candy bars! Now, do you enjoy a fun size? I know you do.
Howard: Sheldon, we don't need to make this smaller and your work is done. Go home.
Sheldon: I don't want to go home.
Leonard: Fine. Go for little walk.
Sheldon: Then what?
Leonard: Just keep walking.
Stuart: Instead of arguing all night, let's just split up the baby chores.
Raj: Yeah, great. Um, I'll put food in the top half; you deal with whatever comes out the bottom.
Sheldon: GPS says we'll be at the railway in three hours.
Amy: I can get us there in two.
Leonard: You know, I do have a way to get him out of our hair. I've been holding on to this for a few years, but maybe now's the time.
Howard: We can just lock the door, you don't have to kill him.
Leonard: You can't kill him. He just respawns at the last save point.
Howard: Open a window; it's about to get smug in here.
Colonel Williams: (Pointing at Sheldon's board) What's this?
Leonard: Oh, nothing. Just some math we don't need.
Colonel Williams: This is a different approach. You're trying to make the guidance system even smaller?
Leonard: It's jlust a theory, it's not even worked out.
Colonel Williams: Oh. I want this.
Howard: But we already met the agreed-upon specs. Going smaller would require weeks of new computations.
Colonel Williams: So get the kid with the two shirts to do it.
Leonard: Sir, if I may, we've put a lot of thought and effort into making the current prototype. It's a really elegant solution, and mosst importantly, it works.
Colonel Williams: Yeah, I want this.
Howard: It's just a theory. It's not even a complete thought.
Colonel Williams: You both make excellent points. Thank you for presenting it so articulately. Make this.
Howard: The kid with the two shirts screwed us again.
Penny: Great. You guys ready to get crazy?
Amy: Well, the bra under here isn't beige.
Penny: My brother's comin' out here in a few weeks.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure. What's going on with your brother?
Penny: My dad asked if I can get him a job interview at my work.
Leonard: Is that a good idea? I mean, you think they'll consider someone who was in prison for selling drugs?
Penny: Well, I sell pharmaceuticals. Which is just a really hard-to-spell word for drugs.
Leonard: Well, I'm sure he'll appreciate carrying his samples in a briefcase instead of his colon.
Penny: Hey, boys, .how's it going?
Sheldon: I thought we were having a nice conversation. but it turns out I was being offensive
Bernadette: So, normal, hm?
Bernadette: You know, I just read that a team at MIT developed a device that helps people read human emotions.
Leonard: And you think we can get those guys to reprogram Sheldon? Cool.
Bernadette: It's supposed to be accurate like eighty-five percent of the time.
Penny: Wow, I find that hard to believe.
Leonard: That a bunch of awkward scientists with no social skills would invent a machine to do it for them?
Penny: I take it back; I believe it.
Penny: So, did you wind up sending that machine back?
Sheldon: I did .Uh, I'm not even sure how accurate it was. I took it to the trains store; it said everyone was sad.
Bernadette: I finally got Halley to sleep.
Penny: You know, I just read a study that suggests new mothers are better at sensing emotions for up to two years.
Amy: It's true. Pregnancy causes physiological changes in the brain that result in increased empathy.
Penny: Oh, so all we need to do is get Sheldon knocked up.
Leonard: Can't. He was already fixed when I found him at the shelter.
Sheldon: Hey, uh, Bernadette, let's test this theory. What do you think I'm feeling right now?
Bernadette: Let's .see. You're better than us, a little bit sorry for us, but mostly glad you don't have to be us.
Sheldon: (to Howard) Keep filling this one with babies; she's good.
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer if people told me exactly what is on their mind.
Penny: No, no, you don't; you really don't. I can't actually say don't enough
Raj: Maybe I won't settle down. Maybe I'll just play the field.
Howard: The field was just here. The field said no.
Lucy: I'm Lucy and I broke up with Raj because I have severe social anxiety and he kept trying to force me into uncomfortable situations.
Howard: Like ths one?
Lucy: Yeah.
Raj: I did that. I can be insensitive to other people's boundaries. Howard, will you write that down?
Howard: Schmuck, got it.
Penny: Can you take a look at my brother's r?sum?? I'm trying to help him clean it up a little.
Leonard: Sure. He really worked with the Drug Enforcement Agency?
Penny: He didn't know it until he was cuffed, but yeah.
Leonard: What's going on with that woman you're dating?
Raj: I broke up with her.
Leonard: Why?
Raj: She said she didn't want to see me any more, and I found that insulting.
Howard: .I thought things were going well; what happened?
Raj: I don't know. She didn't even give me a reason
Sheldon: That's not a problem; we can figure this out. What are the reasons women reject Raj?
Raj: Can we not play this game?
Sheldon: Doesn't like games: that's one.
Howard: MIT's motto is "Mind and hand," which just so happens was also my motto as a lonely teenager.
Sheldon: They're still having girls' night across the hall.
Leonard: So, hang out with me and we'll have boys' night.
Sheldon: At our age, why don't we call it man's night?
Leonard: Because we just spent our allowance on comic books.
Sheldon: There's a cucumber in my water.
Amy: Uh huh.
Sheldon: Do they know it's there? Should I tell somebody?
Amy: It's there on purpose. It's refreshing.
Sheldon: (Takes a sip) Interesting. The world's most boring liquid and the world's most boring vegetable, but you put them together and... bleagh!
Howard: Right, got Halley to sleep.
Raj: I heard you on the baby monitor.Didn't think you could turn the theme from The Walking Dead into a lullaby.
Howard: Gotta get her hooked on TV, or one day she might want me to play outside.
Howard: Okay, this grid represents the room. All we have to do is plot out where the squeaks are and we can find a quiet path to the crib.
Raj: Looks like a map from Dungeons and Dragons.
Howard: Except the creature in the crib is a level nine poop monster.
Sheldon: If you find this draft acceptable, then I believe your new relationship agreement is ready to be signed.
Penny: Article 8, subsection B: Leonard will restrict video gaming in underpants to hours Penny is not home. This includes boxers, briefs, thongs, G-strings or anything else that calls attention to his pasty little thighs.
Leonard: Does it really need to say that?
Sheldon: I did this for free; lemme get a little something.
Leonard: Article 10, subsection C: If questioned, Penny may not say that everything is fine if it isn't. Other unacceptable responses include "It's nothing", "Don't worry about it" and "I said it's nothing; don't worry about it."
Penny: I think this all looks good.
Leonard: Me too.
Sheldon: Uh, well, great then. Here. You will sign here, date here, and, Penny, if you could initial here to indicate that you're accepting Leonard in 'as is' condition.
Amy: I remember signing our first relationship agreement.
Sheldon: You seem to be forgetting the 'no nostalgia' clause.
Amy: Quite right; got it.
(Penny enters to find the apartment romantically decorated)
Penny: What... what's all this?
Leonard: Well, it sounded like you were having a rough day, so I wanted you to come home to something nice.
Penny: Oh, that is so thoughtful.
Leonard: Hey, do you remember when we went wine-tasting in Santa Barbara, and you said that was the best ros? you'd ever had?
Penny: Yeh, I-I remember us driving up there, going to the winery and... uh, that's it.
Leonard: This wine is why.
Penny: Oh! Hey, what smells so good?
Leonard: Oh, I made your favourite: pizza bagels,
Penny: (she gasps) Pink wine and pizza bagels! It's like eighth grade all over again. I'm so lucky to have you!
Leonard: Now be careful; these are hot. I- I could explain the thermodynamics of why the cheese seems hotter than the crust, but instead, I'm gonna keep it to myself.
Penny: Oh. You always know what not to say.
Sheldon: You know, Penny went to this spa to be away from you; are you sure you should be going there?
Leonard: I don't want to wait two days for us to work this out.
Sheldon: Very well. You got married spur of the moment; I don't see why your divorce should be any different.
Leonard: I would pull this car over and kick you out, but... Penny dumps me you're all I got.
Sheldon: I get to write a contract? Then let's get this party of the first part started!
Leonard: (Leonard is playing a video game, sloppily spread on the couch. He belches) Damn. I burped so hard, I died in my game.
Penny: When was the last time you got a massage?
Amy: Sheldon walked on my back two weeks ago, but that was just because there was a spider on his pillow and he needed to get away.
Penny: Leonard stood on me once too, but he was just trying to see the Rose Parade.
Sheldon: Would you like to play a driving game I just invented?
Leonard: Is it about the failing state of my relationship with Penny?
Sheldon: Never mind.
Raj: It's nice to think that you grew up in this room and now your daughter's going to as well.
Howard: Mm. I hope she has the same amount of sex in it I did.
(beat)
Howard: None.
Raj: Why do you bounce with your hands in the air like that?
Howard: It's a tradition of my people.
(sings "If I Were a Rich Man")
Raj: Material Girl needs to be retired. That is your new karaoke song.
Sheldon: Leonard, I've been meaning to ask you; what size shoe do you wear?
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: I'm trying to take an interest in other people's lives.
Leonard: That's nice. I wear a size eight-and-a-half.
Sheldon: (laughing) That's small! So tell me, do you have any plans for the weekend?
Leonard: Are you gonna laugh at the answer?
Sheldon: Only if the answer is shopping for baby shoes.
Bernadette: (the baby is crying loudly) Please stop crying, I'm begging you. I don't know what else to do. My boobs are empty; do you want lasagna?
Bernadette: How come Stuart can get her to stop crying but I can't?
Howard: It's Stuart. Maybe she's playing possum until he goes away.
Sheldon: (Referring to his mother being okay with him and Amy "living in sin" together) Really? Where's the judgment? Where's the fire and brimstone? Where's the part where you say we're going to Hell, and I point to the window and say, "Have you seen the size of the bugs outside? We're already there."?
Sheldon: Well, I was her special little boy, and she did take my flower.
Penny: Do boys have flowers?
Leonard: Who knows what he has down there?
Sheldon: I got an earring.
(flashback: Sheldon gets his ear pierced)
Sheldon: AAAAHH!
(Present)
Sheldon: My mother made me take it out.
(Flashback: Amy helps pull it off)
Sheldon: AAAAHH!
(Present)
Sheldon: Amy put alcohol on it.
(Flashback: she does)
Sheldon: AAAAHH!
Penny: Hey, can you help me put some of the food out?
Leonard: Uh, let me finish packing this stuff up. You know how Sheldon is if he sees Christmas stuff lying around after New Years.
Penny: Yeah, but he doesn't live here anymore.
Leonard: He doesn't live at Walmart, but he still threw a tantrum when he saw Marshmallow Peeps after Easter.And that's the same man who complains you can't find Marshmallow Peeps after Easter!
Penny: (Penny gets a text on her phone) Oh, its Bernadette. She says they're running late. The baby threw up on Howard, and then Howard threw up on Howard.
Leonard: Well, he didn't throw up on the baby. That's a win.
Penny: How was Texas?
Sheldon: Oh, you know, the Lone Star State. That should be its Yelp rating.
Amy: That was fun; thank you.
Bernadette: Yeah, thanks.
Penny: Our pleasure.
Leonard: See you guys at work.
Raj: Be there bright and early.
Howard: Not me; paternity leave.
Sheldon: Agh. A small human wreaks havoc on his wife's genitals, and he gets time off.
Howard: With pay, sucka!
(they leave and Sheldon and Penny start to clear up. Then Howard returns)
Howard: Forgot the baby. Still new to this.
Bernadette: (Enters with Howard and Halley) Hello, we're here.
Penny: Aw, it's the little family.
(Raj and Stuart enter carrying baby stuff)
Raj: Hello.
Leonard: And their sherpas.
Sheldon: I was acting odd intentionally.
Bernadette: Really? So you can control it?
Sheldon: We've known about evolution since 1859; she still believes in Noah and his amazing zoo boat.
Penny: What did Sheldon look like with an earring?
Amy: Like the pirate who helps the other pirates connect to the internet.
Amy: I'm your girlfriend. By saying you're a weirdo, she's saying I'm a weirdo too.
Sheldon: She is not.
Sheldon: (In present) And?
Amy: That's exactly what she was saying.
Sheldon: Amy and I are living together in sin like a couple of New Yorkers.
Amy: (Sheldon has stormed off to his room) He's been in there a long time. Should I go talk to him?
Mary Cooper: He's upset with me; I should be the one who talks to him.
(she continues knitting)
Amy: Are you going to?
Mary Cooper: Oh heck no.
Mary Cooper: Shelly, how do I put this? By your third birthday you had memorized over a thousand different kinds of trains... and I never imagined a woman getting aboard any of them.
Sheldon: What's a... You thought I was going to be alone for the rest my life?
Mary Cooper: No, just for the middle part. At the end I assumed there'd be nurses.
Sheldon: This is highly insulting!
Amy: Sheldon, don't over-react.
Sheldon: I'm the child she was worried about! I have a brother and sister whose combined intellectual wattage couldn't power a potato clock! If I spotted them the potato!
Amy: (about soon-to-be-born Halley Wolowitz) She's supposed to ruin their sex life, not mine.
Sheldon: Earlier tonight, things began organically and now it's feeling forced, like all the Pirates of the Caribbean sequels.
Sheldon: It's not just an MRI. The orbitofrontal cortex is lit up because I was thinking of you.
Nurse Althea: Now, I see three of you. Do we know the father, or is this some "Mama Mia" nonsense?
Howard: Oh, man, this is really happening. You doing OK?
Bernadette: Here comes another contraction.
Stuart: Let's pick it up!
Raj: All right, hold on. I'm going to drive like we do in India.
(rolls down the window, honks and yells)
Raj: Get out of the way, you syphilitic dogs!
Howard: Stop that. This isn't India.
Raj: Fine. What do one point three billion people know about having babies?
Howard: Sorry, I know you were just trying to help.
(to Bernadette)
Howard: I love you.
Raj: I love you too; we're good.
Amy: Wow, that was quite a day.
Sheldon: It was. Bernadette had her baby; I made it to wizarding world, and now it is time to complete your birthday celebration.
(waves wand)
Sheldon: Hankius pankius.
Amy: I was afraid you'd be too tired.
Sheldon: Amy, I just saw a magic train, and reported somebody for cutting the line. If that's not foreplay, I don't know what is.
Penny: Does the baby have a name yet?
Howard: We, hah, named her Halley.
Leonard: Ohhh.
Penny: Oh, like Halley's comet.
Howard: Exactly. Also like the comet Bernadette said she's not going to have sex with me for another seventy-five years.
Sheldon: This is for you. I was going to wrap it, but touching Scotch Tape gives me the heebie-jeebies.
Amy: I'll put it on the list with peaches and felt.
Amy: If we're going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?
Sheldon: Oh, actually... I would.
Amy: Great! Wh-what did you have in mind?
Sheldon: Let's take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.
Amy: Well, how 'bout we start a little smaller, like... moving the furniture around.
Sheldon: Y'know, I have always felt that this couch would look *fantastic* on the curb in front of the building.
Amy: Look, we can't just throw away Penny's stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.
Sheldon: Know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.
Amy: Well, I'm sure she misses this one. I mean it's the greatest gift I've ever given anybody.
(they look at the large painting of Amy and Penny)
Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.
Amy: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.
Sheldon: Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.
Amy: Can't wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.
(Penny looks horrified as they bring the painting to the other apartment)
Sheldon: Look, it's the same smile she has in the painting!
Leonard: What do you think you're doing?
Sheldon: Since my room is paid up until the end of the month, I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.
Theodore: It' s like the forties again.
Sheldon: Anyway, I'll let you be. Oh, he's expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they're still making them.
Penny: Sheldon, this is way over the line.
Sheldon: It's true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn't be a man in your kitchen who can't produce a single form of ID.
Theodore: Oh, I have a receipt from the blood bank. I'm O-negative.
Sheldon: And now you know as much about him as I do.
Raj: (to Stuart) At least my nose is naturally brown.
Bernadette: Stuart, you cooked?
Howard: How did you know it wasn't me?
Bernadette: There's only three people in this house, and you'd still be my fifth guess.
Bernadette: Howard!
Howard: Guys, you heard her; go see what she wants.
Bernadette: (she enters) I think I'm in labour.
Howard: Wh- wh- OK, OK. I-I-I I can do this. We have a plan. Somebody please tell me the plan!
Stuart: I'll get the hospital bag,
Raj: I'll pull the van out.
Stuart: Meet outside in two minutes.
Raj: Team Baby, go!
(they chest bump and run out)
Howard: I love you.
Bernadette: I love you too.
(they kiss and Stuart runs back in)
Stuart: Are we hugging or having a baby? Let's go!
Raj: So, I was reading how it's a good idea for new parents to take an infant CPR class.
Bernadette: Yeah, we've been meaning to do that.
Stuart: Oh, I know a CPR instructor who'll come to the house.
Howard: That'd be great.
Stuart: I'll give him a call. We met when I was sleeping on the beach and he thought I was dead.
Leonard: You're good at revenge. How do we get him back?
Penny: Well, my go-to move is usually to sleep with the person's boyfriend, but I feel like I'm already doing that.
Howard: We have a butler. If I had a Batsuit, I'd be Bruce Wayne.
Bernadette: You do have a Batsuit.
Howard: It's just pajamas. There's no cape.
Sheldon: (Finds Leonard wearing the apartment flag while doing the laundry) What do you think you're doing?
Leonard: Separating my delicates.
Sheldon: This is the level you're stooping to?
Leonard: (Takes off underwear) No, this is the level I am stooping to. I believe that is flag to crotch four. Checkmate! Easy-peasy, ooh, so breezy!
Leonard: Can I help you?
Theodore: I don't think so, but you're sweet for asking.
Penny: What are you doing in our apartment?
Theodore: I'm renting a room from your neighbor. Tall guy, dressed like a little boy.
Penny: (as Leonard adjusts the painting of Penny and Amy) Little lower to the left. Little more.
Leonard: Good?
Penny: No, still hideous.
Leonard: I'm sure at some point, we won't even notice it's there.
Penny: Yeah, you'd think that, but after a while it starts showing up in your dreams.
Theodore: I think it brings the room together.
Raj: Stuart, what are you doing here?
Stuart: Oh, I live here now.
Raj: Do Howard and Bernadette know, or is this like a "possum in the walls" kind of thing?
Leonard: Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.
Sheldon: Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn't Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Sheldon, I'm warning you, I can play this game, too.
Sheldon: If it's like your 3-D chess game, then you're out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, someone just got burned!
Leonard: All right, I tried.
Sheldon: "All right, I tried." That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second degree burn.
(Closes door on Leonard; Amy enters)
Amy: I've got the Neosporin. Who got hurt?
Sheldon: It's a good thing you're cute.
Sheldon: Come, Amy. I know when I'm not wanted.
Amy: I don't think you do, but all right.
Penny: I think I'm gonna go for a run. You want to come?
Leonard: No, last time that old lady in the park kept screaming, "Watch out, he's right behind you."
Bernadette: I guess you could stay for a few days, and we'll see how it goes.
Stuart: Thank you. And it's only temporary; just 'til I get back on my feet. Or the baby goes off to college - whichever happens first.
Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.
Leonard: I'd like that too.
Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag. And I'm not just saying that because it touched your genitals.
Leonard: Promise?
Sheldon: I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.
Theodore: Well, if we're rubbing genitals on things, that's where I shine.
Amy: Sheldon, you're, you're being a little selfish. Why don't you let Leonard keep a few things?
Sheldon: It's not my fault I'm bad at sharing; I skipped kindergarten.
Sheldon: I'm not proud of this, but I have been envious of your recent success.
Bert: Wow. I won the MacArthur grant, everyone's jealous of me... Once I get Lasik, I'll be out of things to wish for!
Amy: (Leonard helps a limping Sheldon into the apartment) What happened?
Sheldon: I tried to let go of anger and threw a rock into my foot.
Leonard: (with a tissue hanging out of his nose) Then he got more angry and kicked the rock with his other foot.
Penny: And what happened to you?
Leonard: Oh, I laughed so hard I burst a blood vessel in my nose. It's fine.
Sheldon: Who leaves their bike in the hallway? Y'know, if I knew how to ride one, I'd steal it!
Amy: I can't believe you headbutted a water fountain!
Sheldon: No, I went to punch the water fountain, slipped in water in front of the water fountain and hit my head on the water fountain.
Sheldon: Hang on. You're my enemy. And if the enemy of my enemy is my friend and right now, I'm my own worst enemy, that makes you my frie... Okay, I'm good to go.
Bert: (jealous of Bert, Sheldon injured himself expressing his anger) What happened to you?
Sheldon: (pointing to each foot in turn, then his forehead) Rock, rock, water fountain.
Sheldon: (Struggling because he hurt his foot) Sorry I'm moving slowly.
Leonard: I don't mind. If you pull a butterscotch out of your pocket, it'll be like I'm walking with my grandma!
Sheldon: (Sees plaque of Bert) Oh, no! A plaque? Nobody wants to see this!
Leonard: Change "plaque" to "mixed race couple" and you are my grandma!
Sheldon: Thank you, Professor Hawking. You are a gift to mankind. There should be statues of you everywhere. You know, the Lincoln Memorial has a big chair. We could swap you right in!
Stephen Hawking: I understand you're struggling with professional jealousy.
Sheldon: Thanks, Leonard! Now he's not going to think I'm cool!
Stephen Hawking: Don't worry. I know how you feel. I have never won a Nobel prize.
Penny: Oh, wow! That doesn't seem fair!
Stephen Hawking: It's fine. I've been on The Simpsons.
Sheldon: How do you deal with the success of your colleagues?
Stephen Hawking: I remind myself every scientific advancement is a victory. Also, I was on Star Trek.
Leonard: You know, I do understand what you're feeling. My brother and sister's accomplishments have always been held over my head.
Sheldon: How did you deal with it?
Leonard: I wet the bed until college, but I don't think that's a quality fix.
Sheldon: I can't believe I was surpassed by a geologist. I mean, rocks. He studies rocks. If rock is so great, how come paper beats it?
Sheldon: (about Bert) Some genius. I zinged him with sarcasm, he didn't even notice.
Leonard: (sarcastically) I know! And it was the greatest sarcastic quip I've ever heard!
Sheldon: (oblivious) Well, aren't you a peach!
Bert: (in the background) Thank you very much. Thanks!
Leonard: That is unbelievable! Good for Bert!
Howard: Damn! The MacArthur Genius Grant!
Raj: Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
Sheldon: Everything is stupid and I want to go home!
Leonard: That's Sheldon's way of saying he's proud of Bert, too.
Sheldon: This is worse than when I had to admit that Cedric the Entertainer is actually entertaining.
Sheldon: I admire you, Leonard.
Leonard: Really? Why?
Sheldon: You're happy with who you are. You don't get jealous of other people. Instead of being weighed down by ambition, you just float along like a dead body in a river.
Leonard: (to himself) I couldn't just take the compliment. I had to ask why.
(Sheldon and Bert are at a taping of the Ellen DeGeneres Show)
Ellen DeGeneres: A new study came out and it said that laughing makes your brain work better. And I know that's true because laughing has made me the smartiest! Although, on the other hand, babies laugh a lot and they're dumb.
Sheldon: (to Bert) Do people know about her? 'Cause she's delightful!
Penny: How come you don't eat more broccoli?
Leonard: I'm married, I don't have to be attractive.
Penny: Now, when he said he wanted to make a baby, is it possible he meant out of Legos?
Amy: No, he was explicit. Needlessly and freakishly explicit.
Leonard: Why does he need a baby? He's already hairless and smells like talcum powder.
Penny: Could you two really have some sort of super-intelligent child?
Amy: Well, there is a genetic component, but that doesn't guarantee anything.
Leonard: That's true. Sheldon's father once picked a fight with a cactus.
Penny: Yeah, but that's just his Earth parents. We don't know anything about the ones that sent him here.
Leonard: Well, we know they were smart enough to send him away.
Sheldon: How much will it hurt?
Amy: It's just a tiny skin sample. You saw my do it to myself.
Sheldon: On a scale of one to ten, where one is a pebble in your shoe and ten is the monkey you thought was your pet biting your face off.
Amy: A two.
Sheldon: Eating a whole Altoid?
Amy: Sheldon, if I'm going to synthesize a neural network from our skin cells, I need to harvest them. Now, I've done this dozens of times, but if you're too scared you don't have to.
Sheldon: No, this is for science. I can be brave for science.
Raj: Oh, my God. I just got it. Fun onions. Funyuns.
Amy: "Make a baby"? What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Clearly, the combination of our DNA is exceptional.
(stammers)
Sheldon: Our child could be the next step in the evolution of mankind. We'll be able to get into any preschool we want.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm not ready to have a baby.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. Yeah, for the next 36 hours, you're as fertile as a manure-covered wheat field.
Amy: Wow. I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up.
Sheldon: I don't understand. Well, I thought you'd be thrilled to procreate with me.
Amy: Not right now.
Sheldon: Oh, I see what's happening here. You're playing hard to get.
Sheldon: Care for a brandy?
Amy: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Good choice, it's disgusting.
Amy: Sheldon, I'm not ready to have a baby!
Sheldon: Oh, yes, you are. I track your cycle. For the next 36 hours you're as fertile as a manure-covered field.
Amy: Wow. I can actually feel the egg crawling its way back up.
Penny: So, were you turned on even a little bit?
Amy: It was like being hit on by Rat-pack Pee-wee Herman.
Leonard: Uh, sorry, is that a yes?
Amy: No!
Sheldon: (Sheldon enters) Amy, I didn't want it to come to this, but you have left me no choice but to employ the most passionate, seductive dance known to man. The flamenco.
(he dances)
Amy: For God's sake, you're ridiculous!
(she storms out)
Sheldon: Well, you guys are aroused, right?
Amy: (ou in the hall Amy is breathless) That was a close one.
Howard: I'm serious, JPL's actually developing a robot arm that could grab an asteroid before it hits us.
Leonard: So their plan for saving the Earth from Armageddon is hoping a bunch of scientists can catch a ball?
Raj: If we're all gonna die, why am I eating so much kale?
Leonard: She took my Where's Waldo!
Sheldon: Well, no, no, he's over there.
Leonard: Oh yeah, there he is.
Sheldon: This is our friend Penny's place. You may remember her from our episode "Flags: And the People Who Don't Understand Them".
Sheldon: Hello, I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Amy: And I'm Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Sheldon: And welcome to the first on location episode of "Dr. Sheldon Cooper and Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler present
Amy: Dr. Sheldon Cooper's Fun with Flags".
Amy: Why are you speaking Klingon?
Sheldon: Why are you speaking English?
Penny: OK. Open your eyes and see your new room.
Leonard: Wowww!
Penny: I-i went a little overboard. We can always dial it back.
Leonard: No, no, no-no-no, it- it's important to me that you have the bedroom you want.
Penny: Oh, that means so much. I love you.
Leonard: I love you too.
Leonard: (walking into Sheldon's apartment carrying stuff) Just hiding some stuff in your closet. Don't tell Penny.
Sheldon: I suppose we could find a whole new place. And technically we don't even have to stay in Pasadena. We could move to Altadena. Or a place that doesn't even end in 'dena'.
Sheldon: I get it, everyone wants to spend more time with me. I'm a man made of sugar in a world of ants.
Leonard: So she's been lying to him?
Penny: So what? You lie to Sheldon all the time.
Leonard: Yeah, but to get him to leave, not get him to stay.
Leonard: And what's it called when you secretly get rid of all your husband's stuff?
Penny: Wha-? That is not true!
Leonard: Well, Bernadette told Howard; Howard told me. Plus I can see all my stuff is gone.
Penny: Oh, so you believe your friend and your friend's wife and your own eyes over me? Wow!
Sheldon: Your Klingon word of the day calender's gone.
Leonard: I'd say dammit in Klingon, but that wasn't until next month.
Sheldon: It's Qu'vatlh.
Leonard: Qu'vatlh!
Howard: (about Sheldon's dream) Okay, the last question: The chaps he was wearing, assless?
Sheldon: Can we just focus on the decision I'm facing?
Raj: We can. but just for the record, all chaps are assless.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, please! This is a significant decision. Do Amy and I continue living together, or do I move back in with Leonard?
Leonard: Over my assless chaps you will.
Howard: This isn't complicated. Do you love Amy?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: Do you like living with her?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Do you know what you need to do now?
Sheldon: Apparently figure it out on my own, 'cause you guys are no help at all.
Howard: (to Penny, about Sheldon) You know, if he moves across the hall for good, Leonard could keep the stuff you don't like in Sheldon's old room. Solves everything.
Penny: That's a great idea!
Leonard: Ooh! Maybe I could turn it into a gaming den.
Raj: That would be amazing.
Sheldon: (stutters) Wha-Wha... Excuse me, that's my room.
Leonard: But you won't be living here.
Sheldon: But that's my room.
Leonard: You won't be living here.
Sheldon: But that's my room.
Leonard: (to everyone) You guys might want to start eating.
(to Sheldon)
Leonard: You won't be living here.
Penny: Sweetie, once you stop paying rent, none of this is really yours.
Sheldon: But that's my room.
Howard, Penny, Leonard, Raj, Amy: BUT YOU WON'T BE LIVING HERE!
Leonard: You're awful quiet. Everything OK?
Sheldon: I'm concerned about Amy. She's acting a bit odd lately.
Howard: Just out of curiosity, what registers as odd to you?
Sheldon: If complaining were an Olympic sport, I would complain about what a stupid sport it is and bring home the gold.
Amy: Hi.
Sheldon: Hello.
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm just contemplating Buridan's donkey.
Amy: I understand. I'll leave you be.
Sheldon: What, you're familiar with the reference?
Amy: Of course. Jean Buridan proposed a philosophical thesis stating that a hungry donkey placed between two equidistant bales of hay would be paralyzed by indecision and would starve to death.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Amy: Well, I wouldn't want you to starve to death, so here's an eggplant.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: You know, some people believe that Buridan was plagiarizing Aristotle.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Although, in Aristotle's example, he proposed an equally hungry and thirsty man caught between food and drink.
Sheldon: Huh. Yeah, I wonder if that's related to the 12th century Persian philosopher, Al-Ghazali and his story of a man caught between two dates.
Amy: Are you suggesting Al-Ghazali was Aristotelian? 'Cause if anything, he was anti-Aristotelian.
Sheldon: Al-Ghazali was anti-Aristotelian? Boy, you think you know a guy.
Daniel: I have to ask. Were you TRYING to be that bad, or are you just a terrible actress?
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon. This is a fun surprise.
Sheldon: Ohhh. Well, the real surprise is how surprised you are that I'm great at surprises.
Amy: Well, that's not a surprise at all. I mean if I knew you were good at surprises I would have expected the surprise and therefore not have been surprised, but as it is I didn't know, and therefore my surprise should be unsurprising.
Sheldon: Don't get me all randy; guests are on the way.
Leonard: I should have punched that guy.
Penny: Well, he's right over there.
Leonard: Why do you do this? Can't you just let me have my moment?
Stuart: So I'm like a lab rat before your real friends come over?
Sheldon: Hmm, you see, your words sound reasonable, but your face looks angry.
(to Amy)
Sheldon: Help me out here, this is not where I shine.
Amy: Stuart, you know you're one of our favorite people.
Sheldon: Okay, now see, you look sincere, but your words are completely false. I'm glad we did this test run, these brunches are wild.
Sheldon: No fuss, no muss, not a single cuss.
Penny: Hey, have you ever heard of a Van Nuys Comicon?
Leonard: Yeah, it's a dinky little convention where they sell collectibles and get D-list celebrities to appear, why?
Penny: I got asked to sign autographs there.
Leonard: That's awesome! It- is this for Serial Apeist?
Penny: Well, it could be for the monkey movie; it could be my haemorrhoid commercial; the list does not go on.
Leonard: When is it?
Penny: It doesn't matter; I'm not doing it.
Leonard: What? Why not?
Penny: You just said yourself it's sad.
Leonard: Yeah, but it's not pathetic; that's where I draw the line. Come on, we'll have fun...
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard: Y-y-you'll have nerds fawning all over you; if you don't love that, this marriage is in trouble .
Penny: Well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to meet some fans and make a little extra money.
Leonard: WOW! An appearance by George Lucas... 's dermatologist. Uh, I want that autograph.
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Amy: You know, now that we're living together, we should think about inviting people over.
Sheldon: We have people over all the time. Maintenance people, the pizza delivery guy, that UPS man who keeps asking how parts of me are hanging.
Bernadette: I don't wanna drive that, it's such a mom car.
Howard: The guy at the dealership said they're not just for moms anymore.
Raj: Then again, he did think you were my husband.
Bernadette: They thought it at the ultrasound, why not at the car dealership?
Penny: Hi!
Daniel: Hi. I love your movie.
Penny: Well, thanks.
Daniel: It has got to be one of the worst things I've ever seen in my life.
Penny: Your love confuses me.
Amy: (as Sheldon struggles to uncork a bottle of champagne) Sheldon, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Sheldon: Nothing to be afraid of? The average champagne cork has a speed of 25 miles per hour. If it's too fast around a school, it's too fast around a kitchen.
Amy: It's been fifteen minutes, that's all l'm saying.
Bernadette: What are you doing?
Howard: I felt a kick. There's a baby in there.
Bernadette: Oh yeah, that's where I put it.
Howard: No, I mean... I know you're pregnant; I just... never connected the idea of pregnancy and you actually having a baby.
Bernadette: Which MIT did you go to?
Stuart: You know what I love about you? Hmm? You never leave the house without a paper clip!
Sheldon: You never know when two pieces of paper might temporarily need fastening in the top left corner.
Stuart: I also love how you never use swear words.
Sheldon: You know, it turns out... you can hurt people just as well without 'em.
Amy: Maybe I can get a little help putting some of this stuff away?
Sheldon: Oh, calm down.
(holding up his mimosa)
Sheldon: I already put away five of these.
(to Stuart)
Sheldon: See, ain't no muss, no fuss, not a single cuss.
Sheldon: Let's say that we were to entertain people. What type of gathering did you have in mind? Huh? A meal? Lunch? Brunch? Dinner? Afternoon tea? A formal tea? Hmm? Is it a party? And if so, what kind of party? Is it a cocktail party? A Tupperware party? Ooh, yeah - is it a surprise party? Oh, I hope it's not a West Coast party, 'cause according to the man on the radio, a West Coast party don't stop.
Amy: I'm sorry I mentioned it.
Sheldon: Oh, don't be. You get your hopes up, I knock them down. That's called teamwork.
Bert: I had orange juice on my fridge so long it tasted like mimosa.
Amy: How long was it in there?
Bert: I'm not sure. I don't remember much after I drank it.
Sheldon: For our first time hosting, I thought it would be wise to conduct a trial run. You know, like how I practised for that Halloween haunted house by going into the bathroom at the bus station.
Amy: But you never went into that haunted house.
Sheldon: Yeah, you never saw what jumped out at me at the bus station.
Sheldon: My mother was in bible study. I walked in the house expecting to find it empty, and I heard a sound, coming from my parents' bedroom. When I opened the door, I saw my father having relations with another woman.
Penny: Oh, that's awful.
Sheldon: I know. It's also why I never open a door without knocking three times. I mean the first one's traditional, but two and three are for people to get their pants on.
Stuart: I've been coming here when they're not here for the last month. One time they came early, but they thought I was a raccoon.
Bernadette: (to Howard, overhearing the chat) I told you raccoons don't say "Uh-oh"!
Leonard: How can you stop now? That's like walking out of Pinocchio right before he becomes a real boy.
Sheldon: Anyway, I suppose an ice cream parlor will be a good place to meet other women.
Penny: Oh, please! You're barely interested in a physical relationship with one person; why would you want to confuse and disappoint others?
Sheldon: As a male I have an evolutionary drive to perpetuate my DNA, and restricting myself to a single partner is against my nature.
Amy: We sleep together once a year; you want other partners?
Sheldon: Don't blame me; blame your pal Biology. He's the pervert pulling the strings here.
Amy: You want to see other people? Go see other people.
Penny: Hope one of those people is a monkey, 'cause this is bananas.
Raj: Actually, I'm single now.
Stuart: What! How'd that happen?
Raj: It's okay; it's by choice... Well, their choice, and it's not okay.
Raj: You coming?
Stuart: Just give me a minute.
Raj: Why?
Stuart: You know how you're wearing a bathing suit?
Raj: Yeah.
Stuart: I kinda went the other way.
Howard: (Opens the window to yell at them) You jackasses just bought yourselves a hot tub!
Penny: OK, I'm confused. Which one is Mr. Robot?
Leonard: I'll give you a hint. We're watching Daredevil.
(Sheldon storms in, followed by Amy)
Sheldon: Will you two please inform Amy how much you enjoy adhering to a strict bathroom schedule!
Penny: Can't.
Leonard: Won't.
Penny: Didn't.
Leonard: Don't.
Amy: I told you you can't regulate every aspect of our lives.
Sheldon: I *can* if you'd just roll over and accept your fate.
Amy: I'm sorry for bringing this over here.
Penny: And believe me we know what you're going through.
Leonard: And I, I think the most helpful thing we can tell you is no backsies.
Amy: Sheldon, I understand that you like things a certain way, and I am willing to make some concessions, but you have to be open to compromise.
Penny: She's right; that's reasonable.
Sheldon: Ohhh, look who's in favor of compromise: the woman who married Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: Heyyy, she didn't compromise; she settled. There's a difference.
Penny: Yeah, you tell 'em, babe.
Sheldon: Why can't Amy be that subservient? She has coitus one time, suddenly she's Gloria Steinem.
Sheldon: You are truly wise.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: I'd say you're wise beyond your years, but you're getting up there.
Bernadette: (about seeing Stuart in their hot tub) Should we say something to him?
Howard: Maybe. How about, "Hey, you look like a boiled chicken breast"?
Bernadette: I mean like "What are you doing here?"
Howard: Nah, that's not gonna hurt his feelings.
Raj: I've never been to Palm Springs.
Stuart: I have. You should go. I thrive anywhere the temperature and the women are over ninety.
Raj: I don't know. If I want to see old people sweat, I just FaceTime my family in India.
Sheldon: Being with Amy has awaken the sexual beast within me. Whenever I see a woman walk by, I think "hubba-hubba" like any other man.
Penny: You kiss your mother with that mouth? Cause it's fine.
Sheldon: To prove how serious I am about us, I'm willing to take our relationship to the next level.
(scene changes to their bathroom)
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, will you share this toothbrush holder with me?
Amy: I would love to.
Leonard: Did we really need to be here for this?
Penny: (choking up) Call me crazy, but I found it moving;
Amy: Comfy?
Sheldon: (referring to Penny's bed) Oh, I'm just happy I don't know what this memory foam remembers.
Sheldon: Yes. I accept this five-week mission to share a living space with my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh, this is so exciting!
Sheldon: Well, now don't be surprised if like Star Trek, it's canceled in three.
Sheldon: How dare you!
Amy: Oh, you heard me. Your experimental bone fides are laughable;
Sheldon: Whoa, now you're making fun of my bone fides!
Amy: Can't make fun of something that's a null set.
Penny: Feel like I should say 'damn',
Leonard: Do it.
Penny: Daaaaaamn!
Sheldon: Weh, if you are so protective of the scientific method, perhaps we should use the next five weeks to finish what we started!
Amy: Well, for science, maybe I will!
Sheldon: For science, maybe you should!
Amy: Fine!
Sheldon: Fine!
Amy: Good!
Sheldon: Great!
Amy: Do you want to go to our place and make out?
Sheldon: Does Stephen Hawking roll through the quad?
(they storm out)
Penny: The new neighbors are weird.
Sheldon: What if living together kills the romance?
Penny: OK; you guys had sex one whole time; nothing can put out a fire like that.
Amy: If you don't want to snuggle, fine, but we're not building a pillow wall.
Sheldon: But, uh, well uh, I am sorry; I am just worried that my sensitivity to temperature could make this a rough night. And no offence, but your bottom radiates enough heat I'm surprised there aren't iguanas lying on it.
Sheldon: Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.
Amy: And there was water everywhere; it was such a mess.
Leonard: That stinks; how long are you out of the apartment?
Amy: About five weeks.
Penny: Ugh, did you lose anything valuable?
Amy: Well, the pipe was over my closet, so all my clothes are gone.
Penny: Oh, so nothing. Great. Do they know why the pipe burst?
Amy: They didn't say.
Leonard: Buildings that have a combination of copper and galvanized steel are susceptible to pinholes and corrosion caused by the mobility of ions in the water.
(the girls stare at him)
Leonard: Can't have your head shoved in a toilet as much as I did and not pick up a few things about plumbing.
Amy: Sheldon, I understand your apprehension, but let me appeal to the scientist in you. Given the five-week end-date, isn't it the perfect opportunity to consider this an experiment and collect data on our compatibility?
Sheldon: Don't try luring me in with sexy talk.
Leonard: Okay, Star Trek the Original Series. The Starship Enterprise was on a five year mission to explore new worlds. Think of this as your personal five week mission to do the same.
Sheldon: Now, if you want to lure me in with sexy talk, that's how you do it.
(Leonard smiles smugly)
Penny: Don't be proud of that.
Sheldon: Enjoy having the place to yourselves.
Leonard: You enjoy your mission to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Sheldon: It's Penny's bedroom; plenty of men have gone before.
Penny: Now, now, there's no need to make this emotional.
Amy: You sure that's not an inconvenience?
Penny: No, not at all.
Leonard: And we live with Sheldon, so the word inconvenience has really lost all meaning.
Amy: I'm so sore; I don't think I slept two minutes last night.
Penny: (Penny grins) Yeah, get it, girl.
Amy: It's not what you think.
Leonard: (Leonard enters) I feel like I pulled something. Why didn't you tell me to stop?
Penny: Even more not what you think.
Raj: I have to say, I am happy with your OBGYN.
Howard: Cool, cause she said you're doing a great job as "weird friend who doesn't have to be in every appointment".
Raj: I'm the son of a gynecologist. I could be helpful.
Bernadette: It would help if you stop telling me I have a textbook cervix.
Raj: The polite response is "Thank you for noticing."
Penny: So what do you wanna do?
Leonard: (Takes off his shirt) I know exactly what we're gonna do.
Penny: Really? You're a genius and that's the first thing you come up with?
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon's not here, so we're going to put on some music and dance in our underwear.
Penny: Ugh, can't we just have sex?
Leonard: Don't worry. Once you see my sweet moves, sex is inevitable.
(Drops his pants and dances to Chuck Berry's "C'est la Vie")
Penny: Inevitable, you say?
Leonard: I'll just let my hips do the talking.
Sheldon: You know, historically, I don't do well with change.
Penny: Okay, it won't be that bad. We wouldn't even sit in your spot while you're gone.
Sheldon: You're darn right, you wouldn't. No matter where I am, this will always be my spot. Like an embassy in a foreign country, this seat is the sovereign soil of my bottom.
Amy: You've been Sheldon's roommate since forever. Do you have any advice?
Leonard: I'm trying to think of an answer that won't stop you from doing this.
Howard: It's pretty late. Think I've got time to run some more simulation on the cooling system?
Leonard: Sure. I'm still figuring out the thermal-acoustic expander.
Sheldon: Well, while you do that I am going to pump cerebral spinal fluid through my brain cells to remove the metabolic byproducts of the day's thoughts.
Howard: What?
Sheldon: It's called sleep, and it's my bedtime. Nighty-night, y'all.
Howard: Hey, hey, hey, you're not going anywhere.
Leonard: We only have two months to deliver this to the Air Force because of you.
Sheldon: I know.
(yawning)
Sheldon: I was there.
Howard: Look, wake up! We're going to put in a lot of late nights.
Sheldon: How late?
Howard: Well, I don't know. Midnight. One.
Sheldon: One o'clock! I'm not a raccoon.
Howard: If you're tired, have some coffee.
Sheldon: Wu- you have some coffee!
Howard: I am having coffee!
Howard: And look how irritable it's making you!
Leonard: Guys! We're not going to get anything done if we start fighting. Now, can you please try to soldier through?
Sheldon: Fine.
Bernadette: I don't even know where to begin.
Raj: Well, in The Sound of Music, Julie Andrews says, "Let's start at the very beginning. A very good place to start."
Bernadette: Huh. I was gonna start at the end, thank God you're here.
Howard: Sir, we've hit a bit of a snag. We're already behind schedule.
Sheldon: The computations required to overcome the deployability issues are more significant than we thought.
Leonard: I understand that we're under contract, and I don't know what the consequences of violating that are but, um, we're not going to be able to deliver in the time we promised.
Colonel Williams: How long do you need?
Howard: W- w- we're thinking... two years.
Colonel Williams: All right.
Howard: Huh, that's it? You're OK with that?
Colonel Williams: Tscha. Well, you think you're the first contractor who isn't going to deliver on time? Still waiting for a big space laser Reagan ordered to beat the commies.
Leonard: Thanks for understanding, sir.
Howard: Yes, thank your so much.
Sheldon: We, we really appreciate it.
(they leave, but the Colonel hears them talking in the hall)
Leonard: All right, pressure's off.
Howard: Want to see a movie?
Sheldon: Popcorn's on me.
Bernadette: Sorry I flipped out on you; I think it's just hormones.
Raj: I think you were mean before you were pregnant, but it's fine.
Bert: It makes sense you two are friends. I mean, hot girls always stick together.
Amy: And you thought this wasn't going to be a great party.
Penny: You know, I had no idea Cal Tech is *exactly* like my high school.
Amy: Well, it's not *exactly* like it. We're all extremely smart.
Penny: Wow, you popular girls are mean.
Leonard: Listen to me. We can't do anything until you do your part. So get up in front of this whiteboard and do it!
Sheldon: I can't.
Leonard: Yes, you can.
Sheldon: No, I can't figure out the math. I've been wracking my brain for days. I've got nothing.
Leonard: Seriously?
Sheldon: I can't do it. I'm not as smart as I think I am. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault.
Bernadette: Once I was supposed to babysit my brothers, our neighbor found them naked in the backyard eating crickets.
Raj: Happy and well-fed. You see, that's what I'm taking from that story.
Penny: So Amy's cool, Sheldon's cool. Tell me about Leonard.
Bert: Who?
Penny: Leonard Hofstadter.
Bert: Oh, him. I guess he's alright. Apparently, he tricked some hot girl into marrying him.
Howard: (about Sheldon) Well, this probably won't work, but has anyone ever tried to just haul off and whup the crazy out of him?
Leonard: That's not helpful. It's fun to think about, but it's not helpful.
Bert: Could you not say anything about this to the people at the University? You know, 'cause you're you and I'm me, and it's kind of embarrassing.
Penny: What do you mean she's her?
Bert: Well, you know how Amy's the coolest girl on campus, right?
Penny, Amy: No!
Bert: Oh, yeah, everybody thinks so.
Penny: What? You tell me about your foot fungus, but this is a secret?
Amy: I'm sure it's just 'cause I'm dating Sheldon.
Bert: Hm, actually, I think Sheldon's popular because he's dating *you*.
Penny: Now Sheldon's popular? What is happening?
Raj: I'm calling my dad, OK?. He's got experience dealing with pregnant ladies because he's an OB/GYN. And experience with crazy ladies because of my mom.
Sheldon: Interesting fact about the rectum.
Sheldon: Superheroes take performance-enhancing chemicals?
The Flash: You bet.
The Flash: Steroids.
The Flash: You know why Batman wanders around at night getting into fights?
The Flash: Scotch.
Sheldon: I think we are losing sight of the real issue. We are on the precipice of becoming faceless cogs in the military-industrial complex. Isn't that exciting?
Howard: You're kidding, right?
Sheldon: Oh, not at all. In Star Wars, when the Stormtroopers would march in perfect formation harassing civilians, didn't you ever think "Hey, that could be me"?
Howard: Sheldon, we could be contributing to a weapon system that oppresses mankind for the next thousand years.
Sheldon: Okay, Howard's on board. What do you think, Leonard?
Howard: You should know we're a little concerned about this being used in weapons.
Colonel Williams: Oh, well, let me put your mind at ease; what we use it for is none of your business.
Leonard: I don't know how I feel about this.
Colonel Williams: Look, guys, it's just a guidance system; it's no like you're handing us the Death Star from Star Trek.
Sheldon: Look at this! Elon Musk has a theory that we're all just characters in some advanced civilization's video game.
Leonard: So some alien kid spent his money on the asthma and glasses upgrade for me?
Sheldon: Well, he-he doesn't say it's a good game.
Sheldon: Leonard's mad at me, so I'm making him lemon bars.
Penny: Does he even like lemon bars?
Sheldon: Not really, but I'm mad at him too, so lemon bars it is.
Howard: Oh, oh, oh, oh oh, guys, hold me upside down.
(Sheldon and Leonard hold him head down in front of the optic scanner)
Computer: Howard Wolowitz. Access granted.
Howard, Leonard, Sheldon: Yaaaay!
Sheldon: I don't understand why I can't talk at this meeting.
Leonard: 'Cause when you talk, it enrages people.
Sheldon: OK. Uh, quick question: am I allowed to exchange pleasantries upon meeting this colonel?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Am I allowed to inform him that Colonel Sanders was never actually in the military?
Leonard: I'm getting enraged.
Marty: Thanks for going to outer space so no matter what I do, my mom will be disappointed in me.
Sheldon: I never realized this building was classified.
Howard: Maybe that's because it's classified.
Penny: How did you think you were going to hide your pregnancy?
Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the DOVE BARS I ATE! I'M PREGNANT! Try to keep up!
Bernadette: Hey, I learned a long time ago when you're four feet eleven and eye level with every guy's crotch, that's where you punch.
Penny: That's funny; I learned something totally different.
Leonard: You're just a know-it-all.
Sheldon: I am not a know-it-all I am a person who knows lots of things and likes to correct other people when they're wrong.
Leonard: That's the definition of being a know-it-all.
Sheldon: Or in German, a Besserwisser.
Penny: I feel so bad; I just lied to her!
Amy: But you did it so well; that's amazing. That's like watching a sculptor, but your clay was lies.
Penny: Is that really what's important right now?
Amy: Seriously, you have *got* to let me scan your brain when you're being dishonest so I can see what lights up.
Penny: This is super helpful, Amy. Thanks a lot; I can't wait to do that!
Amy: I can see a clump of bitch cells lightin' up from here.
Howard: I need to make as much as my wife so I don't have to try so hard in bed.
Leonard: You do that too?
Howard: Oh, yeah, how do you think I stay this thin?
Bernadette: Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald's and gets fruit?
Leonard: You can't put that on Snapchat!
Raj: Fine, I'll put it on Facebook like a caveman.
Penny: When Leonard's feeling anxious, I make him take a long walk.
Amy: Does that help?
Penny: For a while, then he comes back.
Bernadette: I've been trying to figure out a way to get back at her. Do you think using her work computer to Google "How to be a prostitute" is over the line?
Howard: Maybe before our meeting we should talk to a lawyer?
Leonard: It's not a bad idea.
Raj: Hey, you must have someone in your family that's a lawyer.
Howard: Why? Because I'm Jewish? Like me saying "Hey, you're Indian! Doesn't your cousin work in a call center?"
Raj: My cousin does work in a call center.
Howard: And my cousin's a lawyer.
Raj: There he is; that's my happy Hebraic home-boy.
Susan: Why did you have to go to jail?
Randall: It's called getting caught, mother!
Bernadette: I now pronounce you husband and wife. And weird other husband who came with the apartment.
Randall: We are not *white* trash.
Sheldon: So did you defile my mother or not?
Mary Cooper: Sheldon! You're bein' rude!
Alfred Hofstadter: If I may, I can assure you your mother and I did nothing more than share a cab and a conversation.
Sheldon: Did that conversation include the phrase 'your genitals are a joy to behold'?
Mary Cooper: That's enough!
Alfred Hofstadter: Look, I promise you neither I nor anyone has ever said that;
Leonard: You don't know his girlfriend very well.
Sheldon: Or what a joy it is to behold my genitals.
Sheldon: Leonard! Leonard!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You realize you and I could become brothers?
Leonard: We're not going to be brothers; we're not going to be step-brothers. Go to sleep.
Sheldon: I hope you're right, 'cause a grown man living with his brother and his brother's wife is weird.
Leonard: Go to sleep.
Sheldon: OK.
(pause)
Sheldon: You think your father's doing unspeakable things to my mother?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Are you saying that because the things are unspeakable?
Penny: Your parents are old; anything unspeakable was finished by .9:30. Go to sleep.
Sheldon: Very well.
Leonard: (quietly to Penny) I'm sorry if this stuff is going to make the ceremony awkward.
Penny: Ah, I thought my brother fresh out of jail was going to make everyone uncomfortable, but now this...
Sheldon: Hey, if you want me to sleep, you're going to have to stop talking.
Howard: (on the phone) What? Oh yes, he is from India... no, I don't know his immigration status
(Raj freaks out)
Howard: Relax, I'm still on hold.
Susan: It's just we're meeting Leonard's parents for the first time and, and they're academics and, and intellectuals and I don't want them thinking we're white trash.
Randall: Well, what color trash do you think they'll believe?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I don't see why I have to watch your father parade around with some bible-thumping bumpkin.
Sheldon: Excuse me, that's my mother you're talking about, however accurately.
Susan: Penny, I don't know what I was worried about; your friends are just lovely.
Penny: Aw, thanks, mom.
Susan: Although that Sheldon is a bit peculiar.
Penny: Is he? I never noticed.
Wyatt: Reminds me of that turkey we had who drowned looking up at the rain.
(they all laugh heartily)
Randall: Cops! Cops! Be cool.
Sheldon: Why do people cry at weddings?
Mary Cooper: They're practising for what's coming later.
Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
Susan: Haven't you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more'n I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw.
Wyatt: Welcome to the family, Leonard. Don't lend your new brother-in-law money.
Amy: You'll be at the airport an hour before your flight.
Mary Cooper: Good.
Sheldon: Plenty of time for you to meet another geriatric boy toy.
Mary Cooper: Hey! I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.
Amy: Sheldon, your mother's an attractive woman. You need to get used to the fact that men are going to be interested in her.
Sheldon: And you need to drive the car and mind your business.
Amy: I will not have you be disrespectful to me.
Sheldon: You're not my mother.
Mary Cooper: Don't you be disrespectful to her!
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: (yells) How dare you invite your father without consulting me!
Leonard: I'm sorry, but I don't think I need your permission to have *my* father at *my* wedding.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: You do understand our marriage ended because he had an affair.
Leonard: I know, and there- there's no excuse for that.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: He claimed I was cold, emasculating and hadn't shown him any physical affection for years.
Leonard: (mutters) Well, I was wrong; there's three excuses for that.
Sheldon: Good news. I just got off the phone with my mother; she is coming to the wedding.
Penny: OK, loo- you're inviting people to *our* wedding?
Sheldon: Yes, I'm inviting people to *our* wedding.
Alfred Hofstadter: Hello, my hateful shrew.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Hello to YOU, you wrinkled old bastard.
Penny: (to Leonard) So funny. I never thought my second marriage would be to you.
Sheldon: She's still not answering.
Leonard: My father's not texting me back.
Penny: (singsong) 'Cause they both turned their phones off.
Sheldon: I don't like this at all.
Leonard: I don't like it either.
Penny: Really?
(bursts out laughing)
Penny: 'Cause I love it!
Mary Cooper: Let's all remember what it says in the Bible: "He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty."
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, dear woman, can you please read another book?
Mary Cooper: When God writes one, I will.
Penny: Hey.
Penny: Hi, how was the screening?
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon invoked Rosa Parks to make somebody who cut the line feel bad, but... only the white people felt bad.
Penny: Uh, should never've bought him that coloring book that explains Black History Month.
Leonard: How'd it go with my mother?
Penny: Uh, you know it started a little rocky, but I think we got to a good place.
Leonard: Oh, well done.
Penny: Yeah, and when I dropped her off at the hotel, she even gave me a hug.
Leonard: She think you were choking or...? Oh, I'm sorry. That's great. Thank you for spending time with her.
Penny: No problem. Um, so, listen; I don't know if you have any plans next weekend, but I kind of promised your mom we'd have another wedding ceremony so she could attend this time.
Leonard: Wait, we're going to get married again?
Penny: Yeah, kind of, and now we can invite our friends and family.
Leonard: Seems like a lot of trouble for a hug.
Alfred Hofstadter: Hello, my hateful shrew.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Hello to you, you wrinkled old bastard.
Howard: (about the military) They're going to make us disappear! Like *every* American Idol after season 4!
Leonard: Penny, I've always known I loved you, but this last year has shown me that I also love being married to you. Thank you for saying yes.
Penny: No, thanks for asking until I did.
Alfred Hofstadter: I'm an agnostic myself, but I have prayed many times to God. To turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary Cooper: Well, he came close. Turned her into a giant block o' ice.
Penny: (Sheldon holds up a flash card) Helium.
Sheldon: Yes.
(Penny holds up a picture flash card)
Sheldon: Taylor Swift.
Penny: Yes.
(Sheldon holds up another card)
Penny: Pi.
Sheldon: Yes.
(Penny holds up another picture)
Sheldon: Kardashian.
Penny: More specific.
Sheldon: (after a pause) Khlo??
Penny: Yes!
Sheldon: Ah! See, I remember because if it looks like Kim, it's Kim; if it looks kinda like Kim, it's Kourtney; if it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khlo?.
Penny: (Sheldon holds up another card) Oh, that's a venn diagram. And I remember because I thought to myself: 'Venn is he going to stop talking about this diagram?'
(Leonard enters)
Leonard: What are you guys doing?
Sheldon: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Leonard: Hnh. Let me try.
(Sheldon and Penny each hold up a card)
Leonard: Atom of hydrogen; Adam of Maroon 5; mike drop.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, who is Mike Drop?
Howard: (about Raj's stick chair) You look like you come with a kickstand.
Raj: You can't make me feel bad.
Howard: Maybe not. Leonard?
Leonard: So, when the aliens brought you back, they just left the probe in?
Sheldon: Bad news. Amy's making me go shopping with her later, so... looks like none of us can go.
Leonard: You do realize we're allowed to have fun without you,
Howard: In fact, that's usually the trick to it.
Stuart: (Gets into Amy's car) Hey.
Amy: What are you doing here? You're not Sheldon.
Stuart: I thought that might come up. Sheldon hired me to go shopping with you.
Amy: Hold on. He paid you to get out of spending time with me?
Stuart: No, it's not like that. There's a long line he'd rather stand in.
Stuart: Anyone else need anything before I go?
Howard: I'll give you a dollar if you make fun of Raj.
Stuart: Aw, that's mean.
Howard: Five.
Stuart: (to Raj) You look like Tigger, if Tigger looked like a jackass.
Bernadette: (knocks on bathroom door) Howie, you doin' OK? You've been in there a while.
Howard: I'm fine. Be right out.
Howard: Am I an American hero? Oh, it's a good question, Jim. Don't you think that once an astronaut leaves the planet he's a hero to all the nations of the earth?
(toilet flushes)
Howard: Okey-dokey, I think I have time for one more question.
Penny: She's my mother-in-law; why can't I bond with her like that?
Bernadette: Amy's with Sheldon who she loves like a son. You're with her son. Who she doesn't.
Stuart: Sheldon, you are the most inconsiderate person I have ever met in my entire life. Where do you get off sending me to shop with your girlfriend?
Sheldon: I don't understand. You were happy to do this when I hired you. Why are you upset with me now?
Stuart: I'm not upset with you, but Amy's pretty bent out of shape, so she hired me to let you have it.
Penny: So if we would have asked you to come to Vegas to see us get married, you would have come?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: No, I would have said you're making a huge mistake. But an invitation would have been nice.
Penny: You really want me to pick up your mother all by myself?
Leonard: I just feel like it would be a good chance for you to bond.
Penny: Or a way for you to avoid her?
Leonard: I don't know what he is putting on those cards, but you are smarter than ever.
Bernadette: (Knock on door) Maybe it's Sheldon here to say he's sorry.
(She opens the door, it's Stuart with a bouquet)
Stuart: Sheldon says he's sorry.
Amy: Bernadette, I'll give you five dollars to slam the door.
Stuart: (as the door closes) I would've done it for three!
Leonard: Hey Penny, do you want to go to the airport with me later to pick up my mother?
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Thanks.
Penny: No problem.
Leonard: Hey Penny, um, since you're already going to be at the airport, do I need to go?
Sheldon: You need to go to the end of the line.
Trevor: Uh, who made you line monitor?
Sheldon: Mrs. Wuntch in fourth grade. My slogan was "A line that's straight is a line that's great."
Trevor: (to Leonard) Is this guy for real?
Leonard: Boy, I wish I could say no.
Howard: We've waited in a lot of lines together, haven't we?
Sheldon: Remember when we camped out for the Doctor Who panel at Comic-Con?
Raj: Yeah. Sleeping under the stars with other fans who love the show as much as we do.
Leonard: Waking up wondering which of those fans stole our wallets.
Penny: I've been trying to make a connection with you all day, and clearly I'm getting nowhere.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, are you seeking a connection or just some form of validation?
Penny: What I was seeking was some sort of friendship, but at this point I'll take you not insulting me to my face.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: My intention was never to insult you.
Penny: You've been doing it all day; do you even know what an insult is?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Well, it's not a clinical term, but one example would be your marrying my son and not inviting me or even telling me the wedding was taking place.
Penny: (long pause) OK, good example!
Raj: Almost any scientific advancement can be used for destructive purposes.
Amy: That's true. Even Einstein's theory of relativity was later applied to the development of nuclear weapons.
Penny: E equals MC squared. Yeah, "E" is energy, "M" for mass and "C" for the speed of light.
Amy: How do you know that?
Penny: Oh, Leonard mumbles it when he wants sex to last longer.
Sheldon: Well, little lady, you've heard of party hardy? Get ready to party hardly.
Zack: (Upon learning that Leonard and Raj haven't considered the military applications of their new missile navigation system) You sure you guys are smart?
Sheldon: Wine again? No, thank you. I like my grapes the old-fashioned way: in a juice box.
Sheldon: Leonard, friends are like toilet paper. It's good to have extras under the sink.
Zack: I love science. Einstein, Steven Hawking, Mike deGrasse Tyson.
Amy: Mike deGrasse Tyson?
Howard: Yeah, you know. the boxer who grew a moustache and became a scientist.
Penny: Oh, hey, if you guys are free this weekend, I won a night of wine-tasting from work.
Leonard: That sounds fun.
Penny: Mm-hm.
Leonard: How come scientists don't win free stuff like sales people do?
Howard: 'Cause we're not in it for the stuff; we're in it for the groupies.
Sheldon: Personally, I find the notion of external rewards demeaning; I pursue science for the intrinsic joy of discovery.
Amy: But you always say that you want to win a Nobel prize.
Sheldon: I also say don't contradict me in front of my friends, and that you don't remember.
Sheldon: When I was five I ingested a Z-gauge locomotive. I spent the next three days saying "I think I can pass it; I think I can pass it!"
Raj: So, uh, what are you guys talking about?
Claire: Well, your friends were just telling me about all the other girls you're dating.
Raj: Why would you do that? I specifically asked you not to do that!
Penny: We didn't.
Amy: *You* just did.
Zack: Wow, maybe none of you guys are smart.
Raj: I do enjoy the complexity of an aged pinot noir.
Leonard: I'm sure that would pair nicely with your fried nuggets of chicken.
Leonard: Hey, are you still hanging out with Bernadette tonight?
Sheldon: Yes, and we're going to prove that we don't need alcohol to enjoy ourselves.
Penny: Oh, good for you.
Sheldon: Or caffeine, tobacco, sushi, soft cheese, processed meat and jacuzzis, which can all be harmful to an unborn baby.
Penny: No Reddy-baked ham in a hot tub; got it.
Sheldon: Oh, and no bubble baths either; they can increase the chance of a urinary trach infection.
Sheldon: OK, have fun.
Leonard: On, and no swordfish, king mackerel, shark or tilefish as they're all high in mercury.
Sheldon: We're leaving now.
Sheldon: Oh, and no contact with guinea pigs or hamsters or their droppings. No-no cat-litter boxes. No paint fumes.
Penny: OK, we're leaving, lovey, bye!
(Leonard and Penny leave the apartment)
Sheldon: Boy, do I love restrictions.
Howard: We absolutely know our invention will not be used to destroy the world.
Leonard: How?
Howard: Because no one from the future has come back to kill us.
Amy: I'm getting an earthy note.
Penny: There's definitely some oak.
Raj: Also, cherries?
Leonard: I smell nothing.
Howard: Really? Nothing?
Leonard: Just a whole lot of Afrin.
Sheldon: I have a question about Batman. Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat. Manbat is a part man part bat hybrid. Now, if Manbat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be Manbatman;?
Leonard: No, he'd be Batmanbat.
Howard: But wouldn't Manbatman just be a batman that was bitten by a radioactive man?
Howard: But Batman is a man. You're talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That's just Manman.
Sheldon: Well, isn't Manman just Man?
Leonard: Well, what if Manman dressed as a bat?
Raj: Well, that's just Batman.
Leonard: No, if a man dresses as a bat, that's Batman, but if Manman dresses as a bat that's Batmanman.
Howard: So, does that answer your question?
Sheldon: Oh, I haven't asked it yet.
Penny: Uh-oh, somebody's still pouting.
Leonard: Leave me alone.
Penny: If it's because you lost a stick, I know where it went.
Sheldon: A party sub implies it's a party.
Leonard: Your attendance implies it's not.
Sheldon: I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.
Amy: Did you know she has him add things to the roommate agreement so she can get her way and not fight with you about it?
Leonard: Son of a bitch.
Penny: I don't always defend Sheldon.
Leonard: Oh, yes, you do; you know you have a weird brother-sister Elliott-E.T. relationship with him.
Sheldon: (knock-knock-knock) Leonard.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Leonard.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I never got to ask my question about Batman.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive manbat and then fought crime disguised as Manbat, would he be Manbatmanbatman or simply Manbatmanbatbatman?
Penny: Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Manbat suit?
Sheldon: I'll be back.
Leonard: If Sheldon's testosterone dipped, he'd become a butterfly.
Raj: That's Claire; gotta run.
Leonard: Thought you were back with Emily.
Raj: Uh, actually, I'm seeing both of them.
Leonard: You mean like through their window from behind a bush?
Amy: You know, if that study's real, Leonard might come back smarter than you.
Sheldon: Are you trying to manipulate me?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Well done, it worked. We're going.
Sheldon: Never have I ever drunk milk past its expiration date.
Amy: Never have I ever cancelled a dentist appointment.
Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever put my foot in the ocean.
Amy: Never have I ever honked if I liked anything.
Sheldon: Oh, uh, never have I ever thrown, caught or touched a Frisbee.
Amy: Never have I ever put salt on my food without trying it first.
Sheldon: Unph. Never have I ever pushed all the buttons in an elevator.
(Amy drinks, Sheldon gasps)
Amy: Well, we all have a past.
Penny: You know, there's a cabin in Big Bear that a doctor I work with keeps offering me.
Leonard: Because he's hitting on you?
Penny: She!
Leonard: Oh, good.
Penny: But I could get her.
Penny: Never have I ever...
Amy: If she's trying to think of somethilng she hasn't done, we might be a while.
Penny: Very funny. Never have I ever... okay, I got nothing, let's go around.
Sheldon: Cell service is down to one bar, so if anyone needs medical attention, or to tell a stranger their political views are stupid, now's the time.
Amy: Have you ever been off the grid before?
Sheldon: Once. The battery ran out on my phone; I had to wait for my iPad to turn on.
Leonard: I was afraid he was going to eat me.
Sheldon: Shall we check each other for ticks?
Amy: Sheldon, all we did was walk in from the car.
Sheldon: Oh, well, suit yourself. Who wants to check me?
(Drops his pants)
Amy: On the other hand, safety first.
Sheldon: (about Penny and Leonard going to a cabin) You be sure and say hello to all the mosquitoes, bees, bears, snakes, possums, poison oak. Oh, and last but not least, teenagers with guitars.
Penny: We could still go; a little rain isn't going to kill us.
Leonard: Have you been outside in the rain with Sheldon?
Penny: No.
Leonard: You'd wish it would kill you.
Penny: What's that?
Leonard: Oh, I bought a baseball cap.
Penny: I can see that. What team?
Leonard: Hufflepuff from the Harry Potter movies.
Penny: Well, we'll be in the woods.
Howard: Do you think Raj is getting a little carried away with all the baby stuff?
Bernadette: I don't think so; he just wants to be part of the experience.
Howard: Right. If you say so. What's in the box?
Bernadette: Oh, it's an ultrasonic microphone so we can hear the baby's heartbeat.
Howard: Oh. That's cool; can we try it?
Bernadette: Actually, Raj ordered it. He made me promise to wait 'til he was here.
Howard: So he can be "part of the experience"?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: Surprised he let us conceive without him.
Bernadette: It's a sore spot; don't bring it up.
Amy: (to Sheldon) I can't believe you've been arrested!
Sheldon: I can't believe Penny hasn't!
Leonard: You have shoes you love but never wear. I have money I love but never spend. We're kind of a cute couple that way.
Penny: Hey, you guys wanna play a drinking game?
Sheldon: Oh, now, w-now, we'll never win. You always play the drinking game.
Penny: Not *the* drinking game, *a* drinking game.
Leonard: To be fair, you're good at both.
Sheldon: (Over footage of a forest) It's nice to get back to nature. Why don't I do this more often?
(Cut to Sheldon in his apartment wearing a virtual reality headset; Leonard and Penny enter)
Sheldon: What a beautiful forest. Oh, hello, little butterfly. What's your na-?
Sheldon: (as he reaches out to touch the butterfly, Leonard puts his face to Sheldon's hand, startling him) Ow!
Leonard: Whatcha doing?
Sheldon: I was enjoying some virtual reality, 'til you ruined it with your actual face.
Howard: (about Raj) You're not concerned he's acting like somehow this is his kid too.
Bernadette: He's just trying to be supportive.
Howard: Just supportive. Not over the top in any way?
Bernadette: No.
Raj: Hello-o!
(Raj enters, with a huge stuffed bear)
Bernadette: You saw him carrying that.
Howard: *Astronauts* saw him carrying that.
Leonard: There goes our hike.
Sheldon: Aw, not the hike? Now we'll have to stay here safe and warm.
Penny: Is that the way you want to play it? All right. Never have I ever made up a name for my genitals.
Leonard: I never should have told you about Alvin and the Chipmunks.
Raj: You guys made a person.
Howard: (Putting his head on Bernadette's shoulder) We did.
Raj: (Putting his head on Bernadette's other shoulder) And I like to think I helped.
Howard: You didn't.
Leonard: You know, never have I ever made love out in the woods in the rain.
Penny: All right, guess I have to drink.
Penny: (about Leonard's secret bank account) My God, Leonard, do you know what I could do with that money?
Leonard: Oh, I do, and that's why I hid it
Howard: What are you doing here?
Bernadette: We heard there were some sexy scientists working hard all weekend.
Penny: Yup, so we brought you some lunch, and we are going to go look for them.
Leonard: Tuna sandwiches and emasculation, just like my mom used to make.
Bernadette: Go hide.
Raj: Oh man, when I come out of the closet, I'm going to nail those guys.
(Penny just looks at him)
Raj: Yeah, I heard it; shut up.
Raj: Well, this is kind of anti-climactic.
Howard: You know what wasn't anti-climactic: the end of the movie. Get this...
Raj: No spoilers! No spoilers!
(he covers his ears and steps back into the locker)
Penny: And he's back in the closet.
Bernadette: Since when do you work on weekends?
Raj: I'm an astrophysicist. The stars don't take a day off.
Penny: You were home alone and had no-one to play with?
Raj: Well, the cleaning lady was there, but she doesn't like me.
Amy: (on computer breaking up) I didn't understand your email.
Sheldon: Uh, can you repeat that? You're breaking up
Amy: I didn't understand your email.
Sheldon: Ah. I had to get a little creative because the S, R and M keys on my laptop stopped working.
Amy: (reading) Deah, Aby, could you plethe dwive be to the twain stowe sub time tobowwow.
Sheldon: So, is that a yes?
Amy: Sheldon, why don't you get a new computer? You know that one's out of date.
Sheldon: Oh, but I like this computer.
Amy: The video is failing and the sound is cutting out.
Sheldon: D'you- I'm sorry, I didn't get that.
Amy: The video is failing and the s... is cutting out.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, one more time; the sound is cutting out.
(Amy writes "Video failing & sound cutting out" on a sheet of paper and holds it up to the camera)
Sheldon: I can't read that! The video is failing,
Amy: Get a n... co... ter.
Sheldon: What?
Amy: Get a new c... ter.
Sheldon: What?
(his cell phone rings and he answers it)
Sheldon: Hello
Amy: (on phone, yells) Get a new computer!
Amy: Knock it off or I'll start making W H sounds for words that just have a W.
Sheldon: You wouldn't!
Amy: Whatch me.
Sheldon: What good is having a girlfriend if you can't unload your psychological sewage on her?
Amy: That's me, your emotional outhouse.
Raj: Would you ladies please leave the room for a moment.
Penny: Why?
Raj: I need to rub my genitals on their prototype.
Sheldon: Welcome to my Fortress of Shame.
Amy: I'm sorry, wha- what am I looking at?
Sheldon: Basically everything I've ever owned. Um, every book, every t-shirt, every piece of broken electronics, just... all of it.
Amy: All of it?
Sheldon: I have a Ziploc bag filled with all my old Ziploc bags.
Sheldon: (to Amy on the computer) You look amazing. I mean, this resolution is remarkable.
Amy: I really had to go home for this?
Sheldon: Yes, but it's like you're right here in the room.
Amy: And yet I'm not...
Sheldon: I feel like I could reach out and touch you.
Amy: And yet you can't.
Sheldon: I know!
Penny: So, how's it going?
Leonard: Good... slow
Howard: There's a lot of tedious setup, but once we get through that it should go quicker.
Penny: Is there anything we can do to help?
Leonard: You know what? This part isn't that technical, you actually could!
Penny: Wow, really? Called my bluff, alrighty then.
Amy: You have sporting equipment?
Sheldon: Well, oh, un, It's just, it's a golf ball that my brother threw at my head. You can still feel the dent. It's right next to the hockey puck dent.
Amy: OK, why do you have a bin of pinecones?
Sheldon: I used to collect them as a child. The spiral of scales open in the Fibonacci sequence. A fact that when you tell your brother gets a golf ball thrown at your head.
Sheldon: I'm gonna need you to sign a non-disclosure agreement.
Amy: Well, I signed one before we slept together, why not now?
Howard: OK, I gotta ask: why are you wearing a bow tie?
Sheldon: I've never applied for a patent before; I wanted to make a good impression.
Howard: The impression that your first name is Pee-wee?
(Leonard laughs)
Sheldon: Yeah, well, you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn.
Tim: Come on in, fellows.
Howard: See, he's not wearing a tie.
Leonard: Oh, he's a patent attorney; maybe his tie is pending.
Penny: Hang on, what if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
Leonard: Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?
Sheldon: I just hope that this scholarship can rescue your child from the subpar education and menial life of an engineer.
Amy: Sheldon!
Sheldon: What? I didn't sign it yet.
Howard: Can you imagine if we make money with this?
Leonard: If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.
Howard: That old sad story: a guy gets a little money, it goes straight up his nose.
Sheldon: Excuse me! I've been drafting contracts since kindergarten. Didn't need a lawyer to get me out of finger painting; don't need one now.
Sheldon: Any contract I sign is enforced by my own personal code of ethics.
Amy: And his obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Sheldon: Yeah, that too. And scoot over; part of your shadow's on my spot.
Howard: What's to think about? We have an invention and want to move forward.
Bernadette: Howie, you are about to form a legal partnership with Sheldon Cooper.
Howard: All right, if you are going to calmly make excellent points, then I don't know if I want to talk to you. OK, I get it, and it's sweet that you're worried about me, but I can take care of myself.
Bernadette: I'm not worried about you; I'm worried about me. I don't want to go through this pregnancy listening to you complain about Sheldon driving you crazy more than you already do.
Howard: Here we go with the ironclad logic again.
Bernadette: You've had to work with him before; it hasn't gone well. Why is this time going to be any different?
Howard: Is the fetus helping you? cause that's cheating.
Howard: This contract looks good to me.
Sheldon: I'll say it looks good. It's in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.
Leonard: I want to say something obnoxious, but it is easy on the eyes.
Raj: (Raj has just refused to see Emily) That was rough, you guys.
Penny: I know, but you did it. I'm so proud of you.
Raj: Anyway, I'll leave you to your girls' night.
Amy: Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us?
Raj: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.
Bernadette: Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here.
Raj: Thank you.
Penny: (as Raj leaves) Say hi to Emily for us.
Raj: Will do!
Sheldon: The revisions I made start on page four.
Penny: Wow, that is a lot of "whereupons".
Amy: You should see the Valentine's Day card he gave me.
Raj: (in car on phone) I hear what you're saying, but... I've known Emily a long time, and I think she deserves the benefit of the doubt.
Claire: All right, it's your life, but you know how this is going to end.
Raj: As a matter of fact I do. I'm going to comfort her because I'm a caring and decent friend who's happy to be there when she needs someone to talk to.
(cut to Raj and Emily in bed)
Raj: Good talk.
Raj: It's the thought that counts.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, beauty's on the inside, size doesn't matter. How much she spend?
Howard: Article 3. As it pertains to this project, Dr. Sheldon Cooper promises to abstain from all insulting or disrespectful language directed toward Howard Wolowitz, including but not limited to mockery of engineering, his height, his hair, his wardrobe, and his insane belief that the Ghost Rider movie was "not that bad".
Claire: Let me guess. The worst part about breaking up is she doesn't have her best friend to talk to any more.
Raj: That's exactly what she said! How do you know that?
Claire: I'm a girl. It's like page one out of the playbook.
Raj: Any chance you could send me a PDF of that playbook?
Sheldon: Hey, Leonard.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: If she doesn't think that we should apply for this patent, she's being "patently" absurd.
Leonard: Good one.
Sheldon: OK, you got it. See, I was afraid it was a thinker.
Penny: Sheldon, did you draw up the contract?
Sheldon: You bet I did.
Penny: (to Amy) Ooh. You're going to make out so hard tonight.
Sheldon: Sounds like a, uh, contract might be in order.
Leonard: Sure; we could write something up.
Sheldon: But which one of us should be the party who...
Howard: You can do it, Sheldon.
Sheldon: So stipulated!
Leonard: Once I found a stash of contracts under his bed. It was weird.
Amy: (as they walk down the stairs) So, Sheldon, there's something I've been wanting to talk about, but I know it's kind of a touchy subject.
Leonard: Way to narrow it down to everything.
Sheldon: What is it?
Amy: Well, your birthday's coming up, and you've never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.
Sheldon: Oh, I suppose that's a discussion we could have.
(he runs back upstairs)
Amy: OK, great. I mean, it doesn't have to be a big party or anything. I just...
(she notices he isn't there)
Amy: Where'd he go?
Penny: Whoa, wait a minute; you mention his birthday and he vanishes?
Leonard: Well, where's that information been this whole time?
Raj: So, what was Adam West like on the phone?
Leonard: Nice guy. But it was a little weird to hear Batman say, "Don't ring the door bell or my poodles will go crazy."
Penny: You know if you had a party now you have plenty of friends who would love to come.
Leonard: And we live here so we have no choice.
Penny: Yeah.
Adam West: So who's taking me home?
Leslie Winkle: In the past I would have said something obnoxious, like "Happy birthday, dumbass," but I'm not going to do it. You and I have both grown a lot, and it's just so nice to see you all again. So... Happy birthday, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh now, you know I hate change. Say it.
Leslie Winkle: Happy birthday, dumbass!
Adam West: There's another reason I should be higher on the list: all those other guys had muscles built in their costumes. All I had on my bat-suit was 100% grade-A West.
Penny: You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is if I was there I... would have tortured you too.
Sheldon: Based on this pep talk I'd say you're still doing it.
Penny: My point is... there is a time I never would have been friends with someone like you, and now... you are one of my favorite people, so... if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I'm happy to do it with you.
Sheldon: But everyone will think I'm weird.
Penny: Sweetie, you *are* weird. Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.
Sheldon: Thank you all so much for coming. Beverly, Wil Wheaton, Adam West for some reason...
Leonard: Batman finally came to your party.
Adam West: Happy birthday, Sherman!
Sheldon: Is there a reason I had to leave my own apartment?
Amy: Well, I think they just want you to see it for the first time all decorated.
Sheldon: But who's gonna tell them they're doing it wrong?
Amy: Well, I'm sure they'll ask you to give a speech, and that's when you just tear 'em a new one.
Amy: Have to say you do look good in that suit.
Sheldon: Uh, thank you.
Amy: Maybe later I'll, uh, get to see you in your 'birthday suit'.
Sheldon: This is my birthday suit.
Penny: While they get the cake, Sheldon, I just want to say I hope you didn't think you were going to get through tonight without a hug.
Sheldon: You know, I used to hate these hugs.
(she hugs him and he returns the hug)
Sheldon: Now they're just extremely irritating.
Penny: You want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It'll be like the weirdest ComiCon ever.
Leonard: So, mother, surprised you came all this way for Sheldon's birthday.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I was happy to; he did come to my sixtieth.
Leonard: Oh, you had a party for your sixtieth?
Penny: I wouldn't call it a party. Just a few close friends. And your sister and brother.
Penny: Yeah, to be fair, we did get married in Vegas and didn't invite her.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: And I never did thank you for that, dear.
Kripke: Someone call animal contwol. There's a cougar on the woose.
Penny: Hey, everybody. Sheldon is going to come back out, but I think he's a little embarrassed so let's all be extra nice, OK?
Kripke: What are you wooking at me for? I'm a saint!
(to Beverly)
Kripke: But a sinner in the sack.
Howard: You have any idea what you're getting Sheldon for his birthday?
Raj: He's been fascinated with dinosaurs lately; maybe we could get him a fossil.
Leonard: Just don't get anything Jurassic. He feels like that whole chunk of time's gone Hollywood.
Leonard: Hey Stuart, didn't you try to get Adam West to do a signing here once?
Stuart: Yeah, but there was kind of a scheduling conflict. He, uh, wanted to know when he'd get paid... and I wouldn't tell him.
Sheldon: I know you worked hard to put this together; I'm sorry I'm ruining it.
Penny: Oh, plea-, you're not ruining it. Look, at some point Raj will try to get everyone to do the electric slide; now, that will ruin it.
Raj: I read that in Los Angeles raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars! Gah. It's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.
Sheldon: Forget helium, the real superfluid is the fruit punch in this mug. It reminds me of my daddy's secret "don't tell momma" juice.
Howard: Look at this.
(takes the cocktail umbrella from his drink)
Howard: I bet whoever invented tiny umbrellas doesn't have to worry about money; he can have all the kids he wants
Sheldon: And keep a small portion of their heads dry.
Raj: I'd like to propose a toast to our friend Howard, his um his big heart, his beautiful soul...
Leonard: and his tight little pants that somehow did not make him sterile.
Leonard: It'll be fine, people have kids every day. You'll figure this out.
Raj: Yeah, come on, this is great news and you know it.
Howard: You're right, it is. I'm just a little overwhelmed right now.
Leonard: Hey, you know what we should do?
Sheldon: All get vasectomies so this doesn't happen to us?
Leonard: Go out and celebrate!
(to Sheldon)
Leonard: But not your worst idea.
Howard: Morning.
Bernadette: Morning.
Howard: (reads Post-It note on the coffee maker) "We"? What is this?
Bernadette: I don't know; maybe it says something on the back.
Howard: "Continued on milk".
(opening fridge)
Howard: If you're tricking me into making my own breakfast it didn't work for my mom and it won't work for you.
(reads note)
Howard: "Are". We are..."See spoons for more."
Bernadette: What could it be? We are Groot? We are the champions? We are family; I got all my sisters with me.
Howard: (reads the third note) Are you serious?
Bernadette: Yeah.
Howard: If it's a boy do we get him circumcised? People say it's barbaric, but if we don't it looks like a pig in a blanket.
Howard: I'm sorry I freaked out this morning. I want you to know... I'm done being scared.
Bernadette: It's OK to be nervous. I am too.
Howard: Thank God; cause I was lying; you might not have to wait nine months to see someone soil their pants.
Penny: (Penny's phone dings) Oh, it's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk and they're going to do karaoke if we want to join them.
Bernadette: That sounds fun.
Amy: (Amy's phone dings) Oh no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
Penny: What's it say?
Amy: Would you like to sing karaoke with us.
Bernadette: How's that a drunk text?
Amy: Well, he used a period instead of a question mark; he's so wasted.
Sheldon: You guys, the bathroom here is amazing! There's people cooking in it.
Penny: You're not going to get fat. You're going to be beautiful and glowing and-and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
Bernadette: Easy for you to say, skinny bitch! Sorry, hormones.
Penny: Oh, that's all right. All I heard was 'skinny'.
Howard: I shouldn't be raising a kid! I don't even eat my own vegetables.
Sheldon: And if he has twins, we can do all kinds of neat experiments on them.
Howard: Do we get a nanny? And can we afford a nanny? And if we can, we can't get a pretty one cause it'll wreck our marriage. We can't get an ugly one cause it'll scare the kid.
Penny: That was such a fun night.
Leonard: Probably cause you got to see your man up there rocking the mike.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat box.
Leonard: Oh, that was really an asthma attack; I just sold it.
Penny: Oh, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
Leonard: Me too. So, you ever think about it?
Penny: Babies? I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?
Leonard: I think we'd make amazing parents.
Sheldon: Will you guys keep it down?
(Sheldon is sprawled on the couch, a beard, moustache, glasses and Harry Potter scar drawn on his face)
Penny: On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
(She picks up a magic marker)
Sheldon: This place is terrific. Why- why have we never been here before?
Leonard: Same reason we don't do a lot of fun stuff: you.
Sheldon: That's some smart talk from a guy who can't even keep his face in focus.
Howard: I'm, uh... uuh going to be a father.
Leonard, Raj: Congratulations.
Sheldon: Oh, no!
Leonard: Why 'oh no'?
Sheldon: Because this *changes* everything. What about comic-book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
Leonard: Relax; there's room for two babies in this group.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lor- Penny's pregnant too?
Leonard: You're the other baby.
Sheldon: Oh, really? OK, well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?
Leonard: Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?
Sheldon: I guess we'll call this a draw.
Howard: I shouldn't be raising a kid. I don't even eat my own vegetables.
Leonard: Buddy, I think you might be overreacting.
Howard: And then there's this nose. I mean... What if he looks like me? Or worse... what if she looks like me?
Sheldon: Not to mention the impact on our social circle. Everything's going to change. Howard won't be able to come over as much.
Raj: Well, he could bring the baby here.
Sheldon: Then we'd have to baby-proof the apartment. Yeah, my sister has one of those toilet locks in her bathroom. I have two doctorates, I still had to go in the sink.
Howard: how expensive having a kid is?
Raj: Yeah, I read that in Los Angeles, raising a child through college can cost over a million dollars.
Howard: A million dollars? It's like my nuts just kicked me in the nuts.
Sheldon: (to Howard and Bernadette) . You're kiddie' me! What kind of maniac has coitus in some else's bedroom?
Penny: You get to buy toys and little clothes.
Bernadette: I kind of already do that for Howie.
Howard: Maybe that's an idea: guidance systems for drunk people.
Raj: They have that, it's called Uber.
Amy: Hey, let's go do something to get your mind off this.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, we should go out.
Bernadette: Where?
Penny: Uh, I don't know, a bar?
Bernadette: Can't drink.
Penny: We can, but all right.
Amy: Are you hungry? How about that sushi place you love?
Bernadette: Doctor said I can't have sushi.
Penny: Okay, look, we don't have to go anywhere. We can just, you know, stay here and hang out in the hot tub.
Bernadette: Doctor said I can't go in the hot tub.
Amy: Maybe you should get a new doctor.
(Awkward pause)
Amy: What, he said you can't laugh either?
Amy: Since we're live, you'll finally be able to reach out to us with your flag thoughts and flag questions.
Sheldon: Allow us to answer a few quick ones that we get all the time. Um uh, yes, I really am a doctor. Uh, yes, she really is my girlfriend.
Amy: And no, I just blink a lot; it's not Morse code for rescue me.
Leonard: A lot of attitude from the woman who thought MC squared was a rapper.
Penny: Is that a smart thing to say on a holiday that's basically National Sex Night?
Leonard: I'm sorry, you're pretty, I'm stupid.
Sheldon: Please. All comments and questions should be flag-related.
Kripke: All wight. Is my pole fwag-wewated?
Sheldon: I don't see why not.
Amy: Look, I know you both feel bad about being alone, but sometimes the best thing you can do is take a little time for yourself, especially when you just got out of a relationship.
Sheldon: Speaking of ending relationships, when British Honduras became Belize, they designed a new flag with a tree on it, and I would like to hang myself from that tree.
Bernadette: Howie, this is just your hypochondria.
Howard: When I sat on the mute button and thought I'd gone deaf, that was my hypochondria.
Sheldon: Did you know the singular of confetti is confetto?
Amy: Interesting. And when would you use the singular?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. Amy, you have a confetto in your nose.
(she rubs her nose)
Sheldon: No no no no. Other side.
(she rubs the other side)
Sheldon: There you go.
Sheldon: (about his live 'Fun with Flags' show) I hope people will be around to watch even though it's Valentine's day.
Amy: People who are fans of an internet show about flags, trust me they're around.
Sheldon: Gentlemen.
Leonard, Raj, Howard: (muttter) Hello.
Sheldon: If any of you are looking for something to to on Valentine's Day, Amy and I'll be streaming our first ever *live* episode of Fun with Flags. You're welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.
Sheldon: Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time no.
Howard: Sorry. Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.
Sheldon: Not a clue. Raj?
Raj: Spending Valentine's Day with Emily.
Leonard: Don't sound very excited about it.
Raj: Oh, I am, I am. I gue- I guess I'm still wondering if Emily and I are right for each other.
Howard: Does this have to do with that girl you had coffee with?
Raj: You mean the strong, sexy angel I can't stop thinking about? Who can say?
Howard: You've been talking about breaking up with Emily forever; why don't you just do it already?
Leonard: Just get it over with.
Raj: You say it like it's easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone?
(long pause)
Howard: No.
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident; I just got in and went somewhere.
Sheldon: Raj, I'm sorry you're suffering. When Amy and I were broken up, I also suffered. And this may sound surprising, but I'm grateful for having gone through it.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. I believe our relationship now is stronger than ever.
Amy: So do I.
Sheldon: When we were apart, I learned how important you are to me.
Claire: You've been talking about "Frozen" for an hour?
Howard: You should have seen him after "The Good Dinosaur".
Raj: It was a classic Western set in the post-Jurassic period and it changed my life!
Raj: (In a daydream, sitting with a youngster on his knee) And that's how Mommy and Daddy met.
Claire: (feeding a baby) Hey, did you ever tell Emily about us?
Raj: I will!
Penny: You know, the last time I got a hand-written letter was from someone who told me I park like a blind person.
Leonard: That someone has a name.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Bernadette: I'm sure it was harmless. People flirt, no big deal.
Howard: Really? So it's okay if I fli...
Bernadette: Not you. I own your ass.
Meemaw: If you feel so strongly, I won't stand in your way.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: So if he wanted to give me that engagement ring, we would have your blessing?
Meemaw: I suppose.
Sheldon: (Amy pats Sheldon's shoulder and smiles at him) I just gave you my virginity, woman. Cool your jets!
Howard: What are you doing? You have a girlfriend.
Raj: So?
Howard: *So*? How do you think she'd feel about you helping a beautiful girl with her screenplay?
Raj: I wouldn't say she's beautiful.
Howard: Really? You don't think she's attractive?
Raj: I do. I just wouldn't tell my girlfriend.
Sheldon: Here's a fun postal fact. Yeh. The inside of our mailbox is under federal jurisdiction. So if you broke my right thumb, that's Pasadena City Police, but if you broke my left thumb, that's the FBI.
Leonard: If I'm going to jail, I'm killing him, not breaking his thumb.
Claire: We're both adults. We can still get together without it meaning anything.
Raj: Not me. Ever since you admitted we had a vibe, I've been planning our wedding.
Amy: Look at you, sitting in Sheldon's spot. You know I don't even get to sit there.
Sheldon: Yes. And you never will.
Amy: Sheldon, when you're sick you can be... unbearable. And that's why your friends have been known to work late or sneak out to the movies or stay at a neurobiology conference three days after it's ended.
Sheldon: You stayed in Michigan all week to avoid being around me?
Amy: No! No! Not just that. I mean... Detroit is *beautiful* when it's sleeting.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm dying.
Leonard: You're not dying. It's just the flu.
Sheldon: I asked for chicken noodle. This is chicken & stars. It's killing me.
Sheldon: I had a 101 fever. If that's not a time to verbally abuse my love ones, when is?
Howard: Check out the stripper pole!
Bernadette: You know what that means.
Leonard: That Raj'll be on it before we make it to the freeway?
Raj: You know it! Ooh-ooh!
Sheldon: Oh,I've been on a little trip myself recently, not to Sin City but to Sincere City. Where instead of genital warts, the only growth you'll come back with is personal growth.
Penny: And there's your next t-shirt.
Penny: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day. How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!
Bernadette: Maybe he uses kryptonite.
Emily: Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
Penny: No no no no no, I've seen that movie. It's called "Iron Man".
(the guys are stupefied)
Leonard: What is happening?
Howard: I don't know.
Raj: But it's beautiful.
Penny: Now Ben Affleck as Batman.
Emily: Oh, he was great in "Shakespeare in Love".
Penny: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
Bernadette: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio "Romeo and Juliet".
Penny: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard: And it's gone.
Emily: (as they leave Sheldon behind) I know he's a jerk, but I actually feel bad for him.
Penny: And now you see the problem.
Sheldon: Leonard, get ready for an apology. And with the added twist of an M. Night Shamalan movie, I'm going to mean it.
Leonard: Ah, so like every other M. Night Shamalan movie I've seen, you spoil it in advance...
Sheldon: Hey, if you didn't know Bruce Willis was dead the whole time, that's not on me.
Sheldon: Oh, where are we going?
Leonard: Well, Vegas, but...
Sheldon: Ugh! Atlantic City without the taffy? No thank you!
Amy: Hi Sheldon, what's new?
Sheldon: Our friends are jerks and I'm mad at all of them.
Amy: I said "what's new", but sure...
Penny: Shake it, baby!
Bernadette: Whoo, work that thing!
Sheldon: Are you relieved that you and Raj were able to patch things up?
Emily: At the moment, no, not really.
Raj: A medium-sized asteroid.
Sheldon: That's it? How common. That's the chicken fingers on the menu of space.
Raj: I kind of like chicken fingers.
Sheldon: Yeah, me too. I was just stuck for a metaphor.
Stuart: I just have never been in this room while you're awake.
Howard: Too busy to call? He wasn't too busy to binge-watch Hot in Cleveland with my Hulu password!
Leonard: Dr. Gallo made me realize that I'm a worthwhile person and that my feelings matter.
Raj: I learned that for free from a cat poster, but good for you.
Raj: So I was thinking, maybe we can come up with a name for the asteroid by combining our names.
Sheldon: That's a great idea. I've got it! We'll call it Cooper.
Raj: How is that both our names?
Sheldon: "Koo" from Koothrappali and "per" from Cooper.
Raj: Yeah, so it's, like, Kooper with a "K"?
Sheldon: Nah, you're right, that's dumb.
Penny: There's this doctor who refuses to see any sales reps. I'm trying to get in for months.
Leonard: Hm, did you try wearing the shirt I said was inappropriate for work?
Penny: Oh, the doctor's a woman. But... yes, because you never know.
Dr. Gallo: (about Leonard) Here's a man raised by an overbearing woman who completely dominated every aspect of his formative years. Do you think he's perpetuating that relationship by seeking out a partner like you?
Penny: You know, I used to wear tank tops a lot. That was a big selling point.
Sheldon: I'm glad to see you made it safely. How's your hotel?
Amy: (via computer) It's not the best Best Western I've been to, but let's say it's... the third best Best Western I've been to.
Sheldon: I know how you feel. The Best Buy by my house is only the third best Best Buy. They have the best buys, but having the best buys isn't the only thing that makes a Best Buy the best Best Buy.
Amy: What makes a best Best Buy the best Best Buy?
Sheldon: Hmm, that's a great question. I like when they're next to a Chipotle.
Amy: OK; well, I should unpack.
Sheldon: All right. Enjoy the neurobiology conference.
Amy: I will. I... wish you were here.
Sheldon: At a neurobiology confere- what a mean thing to say!
Amy: OK, I'm glad you're *not* here?
Sheldon: Aw, you always know just what to say after I tell you what to say.
Amy: Good-bye, Sheldon
Sheldon: Bye.
Leonard: (about his mother) Do you know, she never let me celebrate my birthday because being born was her achievement, not mine.
Dr. Gallo: That's heartbreaking.
Leonard: Right. To this day I send her a card every year with a little money in it.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Raj: Uh, making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced.
Sheldon: Oh.
(pasue)
Sheldon: What are you doing now?
Raj: Still making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced.
Sheldon: Ah, I see.
(pause)
Sheldon: How about now?
Raj: Now I'm making sure the telescope's camera is white field balanced and wishing you had a coloring book.
Bernadette: What do you think we should do with this room?
Howard: I was thinking a home theater, a gaming room; you know, like a man cave.
Bernadette: Why can't it be a woman cave?
Howard: As long as it has a home theater, a video game system, and you're not allowed in it, you can call it whatever you want.
Leonard: What I'm hearing is that you feel that I sometimes take too long to express myself, and you wish I'd be more succinct.
Penny: You're only hearing that because I cannot roll my eyes any louder.
Leonard: I know. After we talked about my issues with my mother - nothing too deep, just how she ruined my life - I told her about you and your drug, she said she'd be happy to see you.
Penny: Really! You're the best husband ever.
(she hugs him)
Leonard: Mmm. So you'll go to the Doctor Who convention with me next week?
Penny: I guess.
Leonard: Ohhh. I actually did hear your eyes roll that time.
Leonard: (on how to name a discovered asteroid) You know what'd be nice? Name it after your girlfriends. Show them how much you care.
Raj: That is a great idea!
Sheldon: It's perfect. It appears romantic, but it's really just a rock in space that gets me out of Valentine's Day forever.
Howard: You know, once we get the house back to ourselves we can be romantic in any room we want.
Bernadette: Great. I can finally show you where the laundry room is.
Raj: There's about six months of data on this hard drive. Why don't you go through it and see if you can spot any patterns or anomalies?
Sheldon: I'm on it. Hey, look at that: an Indian guy outsourcing a computer job to a white fellow.
Sheldon: Come on, Daddy needs a liveable planet he can rule with an iron fist.
Sheldon: I can be helpful; give me something to do. You know, my father took me to work once, and in ten minutes I figured out who'd been stealing from the cash register. It was my father. Dad lost his job, but Mr. Hinckley gave me a Fudgsicle.
Sheldon: Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?
Howard: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.
Sheldon: Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?
Raj: I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.
Sheldon: That's the one to beat! Leonard?
Leonard: Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.
Sheldon: Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.
Raj: Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.
Sheldon: Stop selling it kid, you won.
Leonard: (Playing jump rope with some girls) Remember, girls! You decide what makes you happy, not your emotionally withholding mothers!
Howard: I'm about to suck something up. What do you think this object sounds like?
Bernadette: Howie, I don't want to play "Lego, toenail or pill" any more.
Stuart: (watching Howard and Bernadette sleep) I really miss this.
Raj: How did you find that?
Sheldon: It wasn't difficult. You know how when you see prime numbers they appear red but when they're twin primes they're pink and smell like gasoline?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Huh, I guess I'm a special boy. You know, sometimes when a boy is special he gets a Fudgsicle. Which, by the way, tastes like the speed of light.
Penny: Okay. Well, what's the third option?
Sheldon: That I have coitus with her.
Sheldon: (indifferently after sex) Well, I enjoyed that more than I thought I would.
Amy: (looking like she had the time of her life) Me, too.
Arthur Jeffries: Can I get out of this muumuu now?
Sheldon: Those are the robes of the Jedi, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy.
Arthur Jeffries: And they... they don't wear underwear.
Sheldon: I should probably tell you something about this gift.
Amy: You mean before you... give it to me?
Sheldon: Yes. May I ask you a question before I... give it to you?
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Why are we saying "give it to you" like that?
Bernadette: So where do you want to go?
Amy: I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
Penny: Sure. Sure. Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.
Sheldon: Then it's settled. My birthday gift to Amy will be my genitals.
Wil Wheaton: Live long and suck it!
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny.
Bernadette: (Quietly to Penny) What happens if *I* say "Come in?"
Penny: Huh? Find out.
Bernadette: (Loudly) Come in.
Sheldon: (Long pause. Knock, knock, knock) Bernadette.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Bernadette.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Bernadette.
Penny: (Loudly) Come in.
Sheldon: Keep it up. I got nowhere else to be.
Bernadette: Just come in.
Sheldon: (Comes in) For future reference, if I want to watch Mean Girls I'll stream it on Netflix.
Penny: Let's recap our options. We've got the harp thing, the sheep thing...
Bernadette: The wild thang...
Amy: I can't believe it... I - I don't know what to say.
Bernadette: Well, we're really happy for you. And we know how much he cares...
Amy: I *do* know what to say!
(rises and runs towards the stairs)
Amy: LET'S GET ME WAXED!
Sheldon: All right, this goes against everything I stand for, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
(Kneels down to pray)
Sheldon: Lord, this is Sheldon Cooper. You're good friends with my mom. I know I've spent my life denying that you exist...
Howard: Got them!
Sheldon: ...and I will continue to do so!
Sheldon: I'm sorry, this is a litigious society. I'm gonna need verbal consent.
Bernadette: We don't want to spoil anything but... you should know that Sheldon said he's ready to be physical.
Amy: YOU SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH!
Arthur Jeffries: Why can't I ever appear in Angie Dickinson's bedroom?
Amy: That's an interesting tie clip.
Dave Gibbs: Oh thanks. It's Avogadro's constant. It's useful for calculating the number of atoms in a substance or causing regret in anyone who asks about it.
Sheldon: This song won't get out of my head! Can you imagine anything so irritating?
Leonard: This is a trick question, right?
(Opening lines)
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper's Descent into Madness, Day Two. It's 2:25 and I feel the need to urinate. My usual urination time is 7:30. Yet here I am, struggling to keep my mind sharp, and my pajamas dry. Soon I will lose my tenuous grasp on reality. I guess I should go pee while I still know what a toilet is.
Leonard: Since when do you hum songs?
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Leonard: You were just humming.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.
Penny: Do you even like the Beach Boys?
Sheldon: They have beach right in their name. What do you think?
Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory, I should be able to remember what this song is. Something must be wrong with me.
Penny: See? I told you if we waited long enough he'd figure it out.
Sheldon: Dear crazy future Sheldon, this is a thermostat. It controls the temperature of the apartment. The ideal setting is 72 degrees. If you find this too cold, then put on a jacket... a straight jacket, 'cause 72's the best and you're crazy.
Sheldon: This is the beginning of my descent into madness. Soon I will test the limits of public nudity.
Penny: Public nudity?
Leonard: Don't worry, it just means going barefoot.
Sheldon: I had a song stuck in my head, and then I realized the song was about you. And just like an earworm, I can't get you out of my heart. What I'm trying to say is, you're my heartworm. The metaphorical kind, not the poodle-killing kind.
Bernadette: You're letting a man into your room. That's intimate. It's where your panties live.
Penny: She did soften your life, didn't she?
Sheldon: Yes. She's like the dryer sheets of my heart.
Sheldon: Empedocles thought he was a god and jumped into a volcano. Pythagoras had an irrational fear of beans. Tesla fell madly in love with a pigeon, who he claimed loved him back.
Penny: Maybe he just had bread in his pocket.
(Opening lines)
Raj: Have you guys seen this feature that lets you talk to Siri without pressing any buttons? Hey, Siri. What time is it?
Siri: The time is 6:37 p.m.
Howard: So now anyone can control your phone? Hey, Siri. Show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Raj: Nice try. It only recognizes my voice.
Howard: Oh.
(Imitates Raj's accent)
Howard: Hey, Siri. Show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Raj: I don't sound like that.
Siri: Here are some images of naked grandma butts.
Sheldon: If there was a list of things that make me more comfortable, this list would be at the top of it.
Raj: This reminds me of home.
Emily: You worked at a kitchen?
Raj: I was in India. It was humid and smelled funny.
Sheldon: Amy, I excel at a great many things, but getting over you wasn't one of them. I think we should just stay friends.
Elon Musk: Someone didn't finish their pumpkin pie. Wanna share?
Howard: A half-eaten pumpkin pie in a soup kitchen with Elon Musk? You bet I do!
Howard: So we don't even get to be up front?
Bernadette: What does it matter?
Howard: I was hoping some little kid would walk up and say "Please, sir. May I have some more?"
Raj: We're in a soup kitchen, not a production of Oliver.
Howard: It's not like I'm expecting them to sing.
Howard: What are you doing here?
Elon Musk: I'm washing dishes. Well, I was on the turkey line, but I got demoted for being too generous with the gravy.
Howard: I'd really want to go to Mars, assuming I can bring my wife. She hardly takes up any room. She's basically a carry-on.
Penny: Wow, look at us. Our first Thanksgiving together as husband and wife.
Leonard: Yeah. I feel so grown up.
Penny: Honey, you are grown up.
Leonard: How many adults do you know that have Mr. Spock oven mitts?
Penny: Who's my favorite Spice Girl?
Leonard: Baby.
Penny: Who's my favorite member of N*SYNC?
Leonard: Justin.
Penny: Who's my favorite Backstreet Boy?
Leonard: Nice try, it's N*SYNC forever.
Leonard: So how did it go with Amy?
Sheldon: Fine. It's comforting to know that Amy and I can still be friends.
Penny: That's good. I could never be friends with any of my exes.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sure you and Leonard can pull it off.
Leonard: Are you done yet? I have to go to the bathroom.
Bernadette: (Hands Leonard a bottle) Right here.
Dave: You know, I once drove 500 miles to hear him speak at Stanford.
Amy: I have a DVD of that lecture.
Dave: Really? Wasn't it great?
Amy: Not as a Valentine's present, no.
Dave: Well next time you watch it, I'm the bloke who asked the question that he said was stupid and obvious. It was the nicest thing he said to anyone there,
Sheldon: I think of my time with Amy as a stick of Fruit Stripe gum. Sweet and enjoyable at first, but ultimately a flavorless lump of sadness.
Raj: You're not wrong about Fruit Stripe. I- I was always a Hubba Bubba man.
Howard: Hubba Bubba over Double Bubble? You're crazy.
Raj: Hey, the jaw wants what it wants!
Amy: Some people think the sexiest organ is the brain.
Penny: No one ever bought me drinks at a bar because my brain just popped out of my shirt.
Raj: Maybe you don't want someone exactly like you. You know what they say: opposites attract.
Sheldon: By that logic, I should be with someone short, dull and needy. Not to cast aspersions, but I can't shake a stick around here without hitting that.
Amy: If you don't mind me asking, why did you and your wife split up?
Dave: Oh, you know how it is. We wanted different things. I wanted children, and she wanted a pastry chef named Jean-Philippe.
Amy: Oh, I'm, I'm so sorry.
Dave: Ah, that's fine. That's why I left England. It reminded me too much of her - cold, gloomy and easily accessed by a Frenchman through a tunnel.
Sheldon: Excuse me, no one does a better job pretending to be a person than I do. Siri comes close, but I know more jokes.
Leonard: I don't understand why we're leaving so early for the movie.
Penny: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're gonna meet up with Bernadette to spy on Amy and her date.
Leonard: What? I don't want to do that!
Penny: What, and you think I want to see a documentary about aluminum can recycling?
Leonard: This is the movie that Big Soda doesn't want you to see.
Penny: No, it's the movie your wife doesn't want you to see.
Sheldon: That's a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. But you eat it; you're married; it doesn't matter what you look like.
Penny: Don't take advice from a man who threw his shoe at a crow.
Sheldon: That's it! The Sheldon Cooper Girlfriend Challenge is officially alive.
Howard: Congratulations!
Raj: This is exciting.
Sheldon: Right now, somewhere, a woman is dividing the atomic weight of the best noble gas by the number of colors in the oldest national flag still in use!
Howard: Then using that number as the average speed to calculate the travel time from Mordor to the Shire!
Sheldon: And taking her first step towards a lifetime of laughter, love and, best of all, rules.
Penny: So where's tall, British Dave taking you?
Bernadette: Over for some tea and basketball?
Dave: Thanks for driving me home.
Amy: No problem. I'm really sorry about your car.
Dave: Oh, it's all right. If you're free next weekend, I'd like to take you out again.
Amy: Um, listen, you're a really nice guy, but I just, I don't think this is working out.
Dave: Oh. OK.
Amy: I'm, I'm really sorry.
Dave: Aif- At least the same woman that rejected Sheldon Cooper rejected me.
Amy: There you go, huh!
Dave: If I ever do meet him, we'll have that in common.
Amy: Sure, huh.
Dave: And he's kissed you, and I've kissed you, so if you think about it...
Amy: OK, get out.
Penny: I think it's so adorable you're making Sheldon breakfast.
Leonard: Mm, he's having a rough time. Amy broke his heart. The DVR cut off the last minute of Dr. Who. That crow followed him home.
Penny: Aren't you worried you're making french toast on oatmeal day?
Leonard: Ah, well, what's this? A pot of oatmeal, or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.
Penny: Oh, I don't want credit for that.
Raj: How could you send her away?
Sheldon: She was late. And she found atomic spectroscopy boring. I wouldn't coitus her with *your* genitals.
Penny: Damn, you're sneaky.
Bernadette: Yeah, but I'm little so it's adorable.
Penny: What's that ring box?
Sheldon: Oh, that is an engagement ring, that I was going to give my girlfriend Amy.
Penny: What?
Leonard: You bought her a ring?
Sheldon: No, no, no, this has been in my family for generations. No, except for a short time when Comanches cut off my great-great-great grandmother's finger and stole it.
Leonard: Sheldon, that's awful.
Sheldon: No, the Texas Rangers tracked them down to their village and slaughtered every last one of them. It was a happy ending... Well, for my nine-fingered nana.
Penny: Okay, back to the ring. Does Amy even know about this?
Sheldon: No, she broke up with me before I could broach the subject.
Sheldon: Not only is it signed to me, but this is where he wiped his mouth. So we are currently in the presence of Leonard Nimoy's DNA
Wil Wheaton: Um, doesn't Adam count s Leonard Nimoy's DNA?
Sheldon: No offense, but this is pure 100% Nimoy, and because of your mother, you're only 50%. Which isn't bad, but anything that you wipe your mouth on gets thrown away.
Bernadette: (to Howard) I'm redecorating. The furniture, the carpeting, the walls; I'm changing everything that depresses me when I look at it. Try not to be one of those things.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: Hey buddy. How you doing?
Sheldon: Better. Did Wil and Adam leave?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Do you think they want to put my outburst in the documentary?
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Penny: Definitely.
Sheldon: Well, there's no point dwelling on it. As the Vulcans say: Kup-fun-tor ha'kiv na'ish du stau?
(Vulcan phrase. It means: "Can you return life to what you kill?")
Penny: Do you know what that means?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Are you telling me the truth?
Leonard: Nirsh.
Sheldon: Well, this is ridiculous. Being upset about Amy all the time isn't accomplishing anything. If I want to resolve this situation, then I'm going to take action.
Penny: What are you going to do?
Sheldon: I'm going to find her and ask her to marry me. If she says yes, we can put his behind us and resume are relationship. And if she says no... well then she can just ponfo mirann.
(Vulcan phrase. It means "go to hell")
Leonard: He didn't mean that.
Sheldon: Penny, you've spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?
Penny: Yes, don't take your shirt off just because the director said so.
Sheldon: This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I'm sure if there is nudity, it will be tasteful.
Sheldon: Leonard, how could I have been so foolish, to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?
Leonard: (sighs) Well, now instead of idolizing fictional characters you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.
Sheldon: Those are very wise words.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: They'd just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.
Leonard: When did we get a wall safe?
Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.
Leonard: When did we get a floor safe?
Sheldon: When we got the security camera!
Leonard: There's a security camera?
Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
Penny: Oh my God, we've done things on that couch.
Sheldon: Yeah, you don't have to tell me.
Penny: Sheldon, I'm no expert, but aren't you completely missing the point of Spock? He liked to act like he had no emotions, but he was still half human.
Leonard: Just like you.
Leonard: (as Adam starts to interview Sheldon) How long have you known Adam?
Wil Wheaton: A few years.
Leonard: And what are you getting him back for?
Leonard: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at thirteen had problems succeeding later in life?
Raj: Hm, I 'm doing OK and I was very popular at thirteen.
Penny: In school?
Raj: Oh no, at home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes... I wish I knew their names.
Penny: The study say what happens to the unpopular kids?
Leonard: You tell me; you woke up in bed with one.
Bernadette: I told my dad that you were the one who didn't want kids because I didn't want to disappoint him.
Howard: But you were OK throwing me under the bus?
Bernadette: Turns out yeah, didn't think twice about it.
(Sheldon is showing the valuables he keeps in his lock box)
Sheldon: (bringing out each item) My passport. My Wil.
Leonard: You have a will?
Sheldon: Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.
Leonard: Will Wil want it?
Wil Wheaton: Wil won't.
Adam Nimoy: And what is your earliest memory of the character Spock?
Sheldon: The first episode of Star Trek, The Original Series, I ever saw was The Galileo Seven. Spock had just landed on the planet Taurus 2. Then my brother came in, sat on my head, and said "eat farts". After that day, I was hooked. On Star Trek, not my brother's sphincter-based cuisine.
Wil Wheaton: Hey Sheldon. This is Adam Nimoy.
Adam Nimoy: Nice to meet you.
Sheldon: Oh, it's nice to meet you. I admire your father's work very much. It's not every day I get to meet someone whose life's journey began in my hero's scrotum.
Wil Wheaton: (quiet aside to Adam Nimoy) I told you this guy is gold.
Leonard: Barry, a team of Swedish scientists is going to do our experiment before we do. Can you lend us some liquid helium?
Kripke: Sowwy, but there's a hewium shortage, and I need it for my quantum excitation expewiment.
Leonard: You don't need that much.
Kripke: Twue, but if it's successful, I'm planning to have a party with bawwoons.
Kripke: Be honest, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you do the same for me?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Not a chance. Sorry, but he said to be honest, and mother always said that honesty is the best policy.
Leonard: You can trust us, we're respected scientists.
Sheldon: Well, he is. I'm a wedding planner who can't find love himself.
Sheldon: He wears glasses, I'm a know-it-all. We're not built for prison.
Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won't get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is "Ernest Goes to Jail" the only prison movie you've seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.
Stuart: It shows me all the single women in a 5-mile radius who are using the app. If I like the way they look, I hit thumbs up. If I don't, thumbs down.
Bernadette: What would make you give a girl a thumbs down.
Stuart: First time it happens, I will let you know.
Howard: Can't you just use regular helium?
Leonard: We'd have to go to every Party City in Pasadena.
Howard: (to Raj) Sounds like you on Cinco de Mayo.
Raj: Hey! Everyone was still talking about that party on Siete de Mayo.
Raj: When was the last actual exercise you got?
Howard: The other day, when she tried to put that Fitbit on me and I ran away.
Sheldon: I smell funny. I taste salty.
Leonard: You're just sweaty from exercise.
Sheldon: And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the center of me.
Leonard: I know it only takes one doctor's finger.
Sheldon: You know, when my honor is insulted, and I need to challenge someone to a duel by slapping them across the face with my glove.
Leonard: When was your honor insulted?
Sheldon: My last physical.
Leonard: Again, that doctor didn't insult your honor, he just checked your prostate.
Leonard: Hey, ready for lunch?
Howard: Oh, one sec.
Sheldon: Is that the prototype drive system for the high-G rover?
Howard: No, Bernadette got me a Fitbit so she can track how much I'm exercising.
Leonard: That'll teach her to care about your health.
Howard: Yeah, I can't wait to see the look on her face when I die young.
Bernadette: Stuart took that rejection like a pro.
Penny: Well, he knew he was on the breast cam.
Amy: I don't have much practice turning men down. It wasn't so much fun.
Bernadette: Oh, you get used to it. Some guys you have to turn down over and over.
Penny: And sometimes we marry them anyway.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Barry?
Kripke: Yes?
Sheldon: When can I stab one of my friends?
Kripke: In fencing, we don't call it a stab. We call it a touch.
Sheldon: Uh, yes, I'm aware. But if I say I want to touch one of my friends, I'll get called into Human Resources.
Bernadette: Howie?
Howard: What's up?
Bernadette: Why does your Fitbit say you ran 174 miles yesterday?
Penny: Uh, have you read the online reviews for this place?
Stuart: Eh, the Internet's so negative. I try to avoid it.
Penny: All right. Well, Heather H. says, "The owner stared at me the whole time and didn't blink once." Kelly M. says, "The creepy guy who runs it asked me out, then called himself stupid before I could say no." Jessica K. says, "I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt. He took it off and gave it to me."
Stuart: See? Negative.
Raj: My name is Little Orphan Annie. You killed my father. Prepare to die.
Howard: My name is Darth Vader. I am your father.
Leonard: I'm surprised you wanted to go to a sports bar, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look at this blister. Like it or not, we're athletes now.
Leonard: Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn't a good idea.
Sheldon: Barry, a word?
Leonard: And now the crazy version of what I just said.
Sheldon: If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.
Kripke: And how are you gonna do that?
Sheldon: By challenging you to a duel.
Kripke: You've had one lesson. I'll destroy you.
Sheldon: That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you're worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I'm going to touch you all over.
Leonard: Wow, that was crazier than I thought.
Leonard: Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.
Sheldon: Had me at flag, lost me at football.
Kripke: Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing club. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn't a joke. I hope you're not here because you think it's going to be like Star Wars.
Leonard: That's not why we're here.
Raj: Yeah, I'm here because I think it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.
Howard: And maybe a little Princess Bride.
Raj: Ooh, ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride! That's my answer!
Sheldon: According to a recent study, simply thinking about exercise, even while sitting still, can have physical benefits. For all you know, I could be exercising right now.
Raj: Are you?
Sheldon: Nah, I'll do it tomorrow.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I'm recovering from a recent breakup, and I'm told asking out another woman might make me feel better. And as Ash Ketchum said to Pikachu, "I choose you."
Natalie: What?
Sheldon: It's a Pokemon reference.
Natalie: I don't know what that means.
Sheldon: Well, we gave it a shot.
Leonard: Barry Kripke started a fencing club.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.
Leonard: It's indoors, so no sunscreen.
Sheldon: No throwing, no catching, no running.
Leonard: No gym shorts that can be yanked down.
Sheldon: Or worse, up.
Leonard: Preach.
Penny: I think it's great you guys want to get more exercise, but do you really think sports is the right choice for you?
Leonard: What are you saying? We're not coordinated enough to play sports?
Penny: Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.
Leonard: I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that's not a time to bust out the Scrabble dance, what's the point of having one?
Sheldon: What happened to me Amy? Years ago I was completely disengaged from my feelings. I'd say It was a happier time, but I was disengaged from my feelings, so who can tell.
Howard: (singing) Indy's whip snapped. Thor's hammer missed.
Raj: (singing) It was Avenger vs archeologist.
Howard: (singing) Indy held his ground and straightened his fedora.
Raj: (singing) Thor said that's a nice look, in 1944-a.
(rhyme with fedora)
Howard, Raj: (singing) Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones. Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.
Stuart: Play something we can dance to.
Bernadette: Hey, if you're open to living with someone great, I'll give you $1,000 to take Stuart.
Amy: You really should have gone on the internet and checked how long that kind of thing lives before you got one.
Sheldon: What a wonderful day; thank you.
Penny: Oh, we're glad you had fun
Sheldon: Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
Leonard: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy; you're a young man.
Sheldon: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here,
(points to his head)
Sheldon: I'm 90.
Raj: (singing) Oh Indy, Oh Indy! The skies are so windy. Is that a flying man with a killer board? Wait! That's no man, it's a Norse god.
Howard: Oh yes! Definately! Hang on...
(singing)
Howard: Thunder clapped as Thor raised his mighty hammer. Indy rapped "that's one bad mama-jamma".
Howard: (Howard comes up with a name for the band) Footprints on the Moon.
Raj: I just got chills.
Howard: So did I.
Stuart: Me too, but I, uh, might have Lyme disease.
Stuart: Do you guys know any musicians?
Howard: Why?
Stuart: I was thinking it might be cool to have live music here a few nights a week, you know. Give this place more of a "staying in business" vibe.
Howard: What kind of music are you thinking of?
Stuart: I like all kinds of music. But my favorite genre is "free".
Raj: (singing) Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One runs from Loki, the other runs from stones.
Sheldon: It says here you're a chemist. Which element on the periodic table do you feel is too big for it's britches?
Candidate #1: Is that supposed to be a joke?
Sheldon: Looks like argon's not the only one with an attitude problem.
Raj: Remember the Ark of the Covenant?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: That's how much we're gonna melt people's faces off.
Raj: We could play filk music.
Stuart: W-What's that?
Raj: It's been around for years. It's like folk music, but with a sci-fi/fantasy theme.
Stuart: I like it. Sounds exactly like something I shouldn't be expected to pay for.
Raj, Howard: (singing) Thor and Dr. Jones, Thor and Dr. Jones. One plays with lightning, the other plays with bones.
Sheldon: I was like the Tin Man, perfectly content until that evil wizard gave him a heart.
Amy: I don't think that was the point of the movie.
Sheldon: Fine! I was like Pinocchio who that jerk Geppetto went and made him a real boy.
Amy: There you go.
Sheldon: In general, would you say that you smell better, worse, or the same as you do right now?
Sheldon: I was going to ask you what is the best fruit, but then I realized what I want to ask you is why is there a band-aid on your forearm, but then I realized what I really want to ask you is can you just go?
Sheldon: So, like an operating system, I'm restoring my life to the last stable version, which was in 2003, the day before I met Leonard.
Sheldon: It's bad enough I'm being taken against my will. I don't see why it has to be in some hippie's mobile sex dungeon.
Amy: In the spirt of the bachelorette party, I baked cookies shaped like male genitals.
Penny: Oh, Amy, you didn't have... Wow! That is anatomical!
Amy: Thank you. The veins are blue gummy worms.
Bernadette: Oh, look. Jewish and gentile.
Amy: I had some dough left over.
Sheldon: Are you really going to let them take you in a van to an undisclosed location?
Howard: Oh, you're coming too.
Sheldon: Oh? And how are you going to get me into that van?
(Cut to Sheldon tied and blindfolded as he's carried into the van by Leonard and Howard)
Sheldon: Put me down! This is ridiculous!
Howard: I told you we should have put a gag in his mouth.
Raj: And I told you he bit me!
Howard: There's something about this van I think you'll find interesting.
Sheldon: Does it run on syphilis?
Bernadette: Amy, I noticed your status still says "in a relationship" on Facebook.
Amy: You're right. I should probably let all of my Facebook friends know. Penny, I'm no longer in a relationship.
Bernadette: Come on. Leonard's doing bachelor stuff. You sure we can't take you to a strip club?
Penny: No, if I wanna see a naked dancing man I just flush the toilet while Leonard's in the shower.
Sheldon: Are you all up on your yellow fever inoculations?
Howard: You don't need yellow fever shots to go to Mexico.
Sheldon: You can never be too careful. I had mine last year before going to EPCOT.
Amy: Sheldon had this clause in the relationship agreement forbidding cosmetic surgery unless it's to look like a Klingon.
Penny: Before I made that call, my pig was alive and happy, rolling around in the mud. Now he's illegally buried in our back yard next to my great grandmother.
Bernadette: Really, they didn't eat him?
Penny: No, he was a beloved member of the family.
Bernadette: The breakfast meat family?
Leonard: If there was a hidden compartment, don't you think you'd be stuffed in it by now?
Howard: I bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
Sheldon: And talked about physics with them!
Penny: Amy got her ears pierced, she broke up with Sheldon, and she made us eat penis cookies.
Amy: My mom said pierced ears were for whores, pirates and genies.
Amy: If my mother could see me now, she'd send me to the sin closet.
Bernadette: That's a joke, right?
Amy: The joke was on her. I could still watch TV through the slats.
Leonard: Penny, after all these years, I still feel like maybe I don't deserve you.
Penny: Okay, that is the lamest excuse you could have possibly come up with. But I get it.
Leonard: You do?
Penny: Yeah. Sometimes I worry I'm gonna wake up, and you're going to leave me for someone like you.
Leonard: I don't even understand why you're with someone like me. Why would I want to be with someone like me?
Leonard: I just got married recently.
Mandy Chow: Congratulations! To Sheldon?
Penny: Sheldon, I can't believe you got us a wedding gift.
Sheldon: I don't know why you're so surprised. I watch movies. I see what people do.
Howard: Why are marine biologists always so cute?
Raj: I don't know, but I'd like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.
Leonard: That's not helpful.
Howard: Then I won't say I'd like to cover three quarters of her surface area.
Leonard: Are you done?
Raj: Not yet, this is fun! Ooh, I know... I'd let her free my Willy.
(Leonard gets up)
Raj: Where are you going?
Leonard: Going to ask her if she'd be willing to talk to Penny. Tell her she has nothing to worry about.
Howard: Leonard wait.
Leonard: What?
Howard: I'd like to spongebob her squarepants.
Raj: Now we are done.
Leonard: I've loved you since the moment we met, and I'll love you until the end of time.
Sheldon: The show must go on, and thankfully all the things my girlfriend used to do can be taken care of with my right hand.
Leonard: Am I being weird?
Sheldon: Yes... and that's coming from me.
Leonard: Finally, there's a Mrs. Hofstadter who isn't disappointed in me.
Mary Cooper: Don't send it back yet. Your sister's married and I'm not letting your brother give my grandmother's ring to that whore he's dating.
Sheldon: Wasn't Mary Magdelene a woman of ill repute?
Mary Cooper: When your idiot brother redeems mankind he can date whoever he wants.
Sheldon: Some important new information has come to light. Women are the worst. I thought it was paper cuts, but I was wrong. No piece of paper ever cut me this deep.
Penny: So what package were you thinking?
Leonard: Well this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, and they even stream the whole thing live on the internet.
Penny: Why would we want that?
Leonard: Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, near-sighted scientist? Let's give them hope.
Penny: Whatever. Put us on the internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comments section.
Sheldon: You know what, Amy? I don't understand. Are we broken up or not? It's like you can't make up your mind.
Amy: It's because you're not giving me any space to think.
Sheldon: Well, you should think fast because men can sire offspring their entire lives, but those eggs you're toting around have a sell-by date.
Bernadette: Aw, that was beautiful.
Howard: Yeah, I mean not like our wedding, beautiful.
Bernadette: No, we totally won.
Leonard: Penny, we are made of particles that existed since the moment the universe began. I like to think those atoms travelled 14 billion years through time and space to create us so that we could be together and make each other whole.
Mary Cooper: You want to tell me what happened?
Sheldon: Are you going to say it's all part of God's plan?
Mary Cooper: Good chance.
Sheldon: Then, no thank you.
Sheldon: (on Madame Curie) She was kind of an honorary man. She had a penis made of science.
Sheldon: We make everyone feel awkward. That's our thing.
Bernadette: Did you eat all my yogurt?
Howard: You mean the one that lets ladies do the thing ladies pretend they don't do even though they do?
Sheldon: What happened?
Penny: Your little buddy got mugged by a bunch of baby farm animals.
Sheldon: Been there.
Howard: When he comes home, I'm dropping the hammer.
Bernadette: Ooh, I like when you take charge.
Howard: Oh, I'm not taking charge. You're the hammer.
Penny: Hey, I don't think she's wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.
Sheldon: Too slow?
Penny: Yeah, you've been going out for years. You haven't even slept together.
Sheldon: That's right. It's called foreplay.
Amy: Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?
Sheldon: I know. Do you think I should start watching The Flash TV show?
Amy: That's what you're thinking about?
Sheldon: Well, one of the things.
Amy: Are any of them me?
Sheldon: Yes. I thought, I can't decide if I should watch The Flash TV show. I know, I'll ask Amy. Anyway.
Amy: What are you doing?
Sheldon: You're right, you did kind of kill the mood.
Amy: I didn't kill anything. You did, talking about your stupid TV show.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Starting to watch a television show that might run for years isn't a decision to take lightly. I'm wrestling with a big commitment issue here.
Amy: Really? That's the commitment issue you're wrestling with? Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon: Irony's not really my strong suit. But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
Amy: (sarcastically) Oh, sure, I'd love to.
Sheldon: Whenever you're ready.
Sheldon: But I have been getting better with sarcasm, if you want to give that a try.
Amy: (sarcastic) Oh, sure, I'd love to.
Sheldon: Whenever you're ready.
Leonard: That was really intense.
Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers' market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.
Leonard: I'm going to guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.
Sheldon: Oh, no, not just a season. If I'm in, I'm in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.
Leonard: I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you.
Sheldon: Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.
Bernadette: Maybe it's time we tell him he needs to move out.
Howard: We should have done it months ago.
Bernadette: I know, but his store was reopening, and then there were the holidays, and then he was sick.
Howard: Yeah, right, sick. He didn't have jaundice. He just looks like that.
Amy: Sheldon, do you understand the irony of your fixation on a man with super speed, while after five years all I can get out of you is a distracted make-out session on a couch?
Sheldon: Irony's not really my strong suit.
Sheldon: Amy's mad at me and I'm not sure why.
Penny: Okay, were you talking before she got mad?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Well, that's probably it.
Emily: You aren't scared, are you?
Raj: Of ghosts, no. Of you, little bit.
Raj: Look, I care about you a lot, but we are very different people.
Emily: Are you breaking up with me?
Raj: No, no, I'm just pointing out that you're dark on the inside and I'm dark on the outside.
Raj: You've been complaining about Stuart living here for the past year. I don't see you showing him the door.
Howard: It's not the same thing. Emily's a person. Stuart's more like an infestation. Something you spray for.
Leonard: It's not just the date. We haven't talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor...
Sheldon: Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now.
Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.
Sheldon: Oh, not just date night. Our 5th anniversary.
Penny: Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.
Sheldon: If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.
Penny: Still haven't heard from her?
Sheldon: No, and I'm confused. It's been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she's wrong by now.
(Sheldon and Amy are Skyping)
Sheldon: I've been thinking a lot about relationships and how difficult they can be, and I think...
Amy: I've been thinking about them, too, Sheldon. Being your girlfriend is so challenging. Emotionally, physically. I've been incredibly patient for years.
Sheldon: Strongly disagree. Go on.
Amy: Okay, well... this isn't easy to say, because I love you, but... I need some time to take a step back and reevaluate our situation.
Sheldon: Oh.
Amy: I hope you understand.
Sheldon: Okay.
Amy: Bye, Sheldon.
(Skype session ends and Sheldon looks at a statue of Gollum)
Sheldon: Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings.
(Sheldon takes out an engagement ring from his desk drawer)
Sheldon: What do I do with this one?
Bernadette: Okay, I don't know when I became the mother to three lazy teenagers, but it stops today. You guys are cleaning the kitchen top to bottom.
Raj: Hey, I don't even live here.
Bernadette: Yes or no, do you have clothes in my laundry right now?
Raj: I do. And some of it's wool, so dry flat if possible.
Howard: For a while everything was all vampires, now it's zombies. I wonder what the next big monster fad will be?
Raj: We haven't had a good invisible man in a while.
Stuart: Clearly you haven't seen me try to talk to a woman.
Amy: It's so nice both of your moms are coming in to see you guys get an award.
Sheldon: Well, my mother's been there for every honor I've won since I beat out my twin sister for the Did It on the Potty trophy.
Mary Cooper: Interesting. You can believe that, but God filling an ark with animals two-by-two is nonsense.
Sheldon: What did they feed the lions, Mother?
Mary Cooper: The floating bodies of drowned sinners, of course.
Leonard: Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!
Sheldon: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?
Leonard: Yes, you are a super weaner!
Sheldon: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler
Leonard: Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler!
Sheldon: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out, how dare you?
Leonard: I change my answer. It's amazing. It's hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Come to Mommy.
Penny: It's okay. Go ahead.
(Beverly hugs Leonard awkwardly)
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, my son.
Leonard: Oh, my mother.
Penny: Oh, my God.
Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
Leonard: I don't know. Sometime tomorrow morning.
Penny: Don't you want to know for sure?
Leonard: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.
Penny: You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
Leonard: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.
Penny: Really? It didn't work for you.
Amy: Sure, his mom gets roses. When I want them, they're a "bouquet of severed plant genitals."
Sheldon: You act like I didn't get you that mushroom log on Valentine's Day.
Amy: He's right. Roses die, but a moist rotting log will pump out mushrooms for two or three magical years.
Howard: It's time for me to act like an adult in this marriage. Starting with my husbandly duty of taking out the trash.
(as he picks up the garbage bag, it breaks, spilling all the trash on the floor)
Howard: Bernie, I made a mess!
Mary Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed.
Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.
Mary Cooper: Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium! Tell her about the uranium!
Mary Cooper: Oh, well. Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends.
Sheldon: Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends.
Mary Cooper: No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.
Leonard: Mom, tell Mary the story of how I made a Van der Graff generator out of our vacuum cleaner.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I'm terribly sorry that I upset your mother.
Sheldon: Oh, it's all right. She'll forgive you. She has to or she goes to hell.
Sheldon: Leonard's mom is a renowned psychiatrist and woman of science. Can you please keep the Bible babble to yourself while she's here?
Mary Cooper: Are you ashamed of me?
Sheldon: Of course not. I love you. I'm just embarrassed by the things you believe, do and say.
Mary Cooper: Well, I love you, too, my little bowl of lion chow.
Mary Cooper: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Penny: Well, come on, she did kinda start it.
Mary Cooper: Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.
Leonard: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself. I always had to earn it.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.
Penny: Yeah, and you certainly don't have to earn my love.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Of course you already knew that when you bought me this princess-cut drill bit.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: It's a mother's job to make sure her child's self-esteem is not dependent on anyone's approval.
Raj: How old is this Jell-O?
Stuart: Well, it's carrots, so I'm gonna say very.
Howard: What happened to me? When did I become an old man baffled by modern technology? Next thing you know, I'll be hitching my pants up to my armpits and complaining about the awful music the kids are listening to.
Sheldon: It is awful, isn't it? Listen to that noise.
Leonard: How'd you get ready so fast?
Penny: Oh, I pack light. Once I got through an entire spring break with nothing but a long t-shirt and a belt.
Leonard: Why'd you need a belt?
Penny: It's called an evening look.
Mrs. Koothrappali: Hello, Rajesh. What a nice surprise.
Raj: Well, I've been thinking about you. How you doing? Are you happy, mommy?
Mrs. Koothrappali: Such a sweet boy for asking. I can't believe you come from the poison seed of your father.
Sheldon: So, can you get it working?
Howard: I'm an MIT-trained engineer. I've built components for the space station.
Sheldon: I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work.
Howard: It worked fine. It just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.
Sheldon: Aren't you afraid of being blinded?
Leonard: How would I be blinded?
Sheldon: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.
Leonard: I'll take my chances.
Sheldon: Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.
Leonard: I thought it'd be fun to show her my old stomping grounds. I even know the exact spot where they used to stomp me.
Penny: Think we'll have time to visit your mom while we're there?
Leonard: Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I'm not doing that either.
Sheldon: Won't that void the warranty?
Howard: Sheldon, I have a masters degree in engineering. I wipe my bottom with warranties. Except for AppleCare; that pays for itself in the long run.
Bernadette: Ready to call tech support?
Howard: Give me the number. Probably wind up talking to some foreign guy who's reading from the same manual I have.
(Raj's phone rings. Sheldon, Howard, and Bernadette stare at him in shock)
Raj: It's my father, you jerks.
Penny: Never been to New Jersey before.
Leonard: Ah, it gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
Penny: So it's not really like that?
Leonard: No, it's like that.
Dr. Koothrappali: Are you still dating that dermatologist?
Raj: If you could feel how soft my skin is, you wouldn't have to ask.
Raj: It's like the best one they make. I just can't get it to work.
Howard: I'll figure it out.
Raj: it streams HD video straight to your phone while it's flying.
Howard: Nice. Where were you when I was single?
Leonard: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last-minute things. You know, makeup, underwear, clothes.
Sheldon: If your bathroom floor counts as a carry-on, you're packed.
Leonard: So you really think they liked it?
Penny: Oh,sweetie, it was the best speech ev-
(they duck and scream as the drone flies out of Sheldon's apartment)
Sheldon: Don't worry, everyone in here is safe.
Penny: You are a wise man.
Sheldon: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon: No, it's the wise man.
Sheldon: So, often on the front of the locomotive is a large iron wedge for clearing objects off the tracks. Now, while commonly known as a cowcatcher, I prefer the more accurate "cow exploder."
Raj: You guys know the new discovery class missions that NASA's been working on?
Howard: Yeah.
Raj: Well, they're looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.
Leonard: When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.
Sheldon: You can't breathe our air without an inhaler. He's allergic to Earth nuts, but I'm the alien.
Bernadette: What's going on in here?
Howard: I am making molecular cocktails. This sphere is actually a cosmopolitan.
Bernadette: Oh. How do you drink it?
Howard: Just put it in your mouth and pop it like a zit.
Sheldon: (singing) The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.
Leonard: That's pretty cool, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyonc?? I'd love her to get behind it.
Leonard: Now that we're all on the same page, let's get together tonight and work on it.
Sheldon: Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.
Raj: Okay, I think we should do it right now.
Sheldon: Tonight works better for me.
Leonard: That's actually a valid example. Animals do deliver messages through scent.
Raj: Bees talk to each other by dancing. Whales have their songs.
Leonard: Penny has about 20 different ways of rolling her eyes that each mean something different.
Penny: (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon!
(knock, knock, knock)
Penny: Sheldon!
(knock, knock, knock)
Penny: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon: I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.
Sheldon: Greetings from Planet Earth. Just turn left at Alpha Centauri. You can't miss it.
Howard: So I have a dominant personality. We all know that.
Bernadette: I'm sorry, what do we know?
Howard: In social groupings, I just naturally wind up in charge.
Bernadette: Don't take this the wrong way, but how many of these little booze balls have you had?
Sheldon: Do you think there's a chance that an asteroid could hit the Earth, destroying Feynman's house and everyone in it?
Amy: No, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Well, buckle up. You're in for a cranky night.
Raj: Enough chit-chat. How do we know you're who you say you are?
Josh Wolowitz: Why would I lie?
Raj: Okay, you make a good point.
Amy: According to the codicil of the Relationship Agreement which you insisted upon, we're not allowed to pout or be moody on date night.
Sheldon: You know I just put that in because of uterus stuff.
Leonard: Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this...
Sheldon: Agreed.
Leonard: I was going to say "or," but why bother?
Amy: What are we doing? This is a fort. Let's sit on the floor.
Sheldon: Roughing it? Okay.
(Sits on floor. Gasps)
Sheldon: Everything looks so big from down here. This must be how Leonard feels.
Sheldon: Do you need some pajamas and a toothbrush?
Amy: Would it alarm you to know that two years ago I've hidden some in your apartment for just such an ocassion?
(Produces bag containing pajamas)
Sheldon: It would, but you know how much I admire preparedness. But how did you know we'd be in the living room?
Amy: Who said this is the only one I hid?
Sheldon: I used to believe in evolution, but since I've evolved, I find I have outgrown it.
Howard: Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called "gifs" or "jifs"?
Leonard: Well, the G stands for "graphics." That's a hard G, so I'd say "gif."
Raj: What? The guy who invented it says it's "jif."
Howard: I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?
Penny: I've never been on a podcast before.
Leonard: Well, you picked a good one to start. Wil's had lots of great guests, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner, Michael Dorn, Gates McFadden.
Penny: Those are Star Trek people.
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: I only figured that out because I've never heard of any of them.
Amy: Have a seat on the floor.
Sheldon: Not there. That's my spot.
Penny: I think I started to suspect it was a bad movie when I looked at the script and saw the title, Serial Ape-ist 2: Monkey See, Monkey Kill.
Sheldon: I'll get the blankets, you Google how to have child-like fun.
Kevin Smith: Hey man, yo, is everything okay, Wil? 'Cause it's been, like two minutes and you haven't even brought up Stand by Me.
Josh Wolowitz: So, I have to ask, was the robot sexy?
Howard: It was actually just a mechanical hand.
Josh Wolowitz: 'Cause that's all you need, right?
Howard: You are my brother.
Penny: What is the harm if I audition?
Leonard: Well, what if you get it?
Penny: I don't know, I make a movie, we could become rich and famous, win an Oscar, a Golden Globe and live an incredibly wonderful life.
Leonard: From a Kevin Smith movie?
Kevin Smith: Oh, I'm hanging up now.
Wil Wheaton: Don't you listen to him, buddy. You're awesome! You're one of the greatest directors of our time.
Kevin Smith: I don't have a part for you, Wheaton.
Wil Wheaton: (Hangs up on Kevin) And that was Kevin Smith
Leonard: Well, you kids have fun. I'm going to go to sleep.
Sheldon: Leonard, don't you want to see the inside of the fort?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm good.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can't come in.
Leonard: All right. Sheldon, may I please come into your fort?
Sheldon: I want to say no, but it's just too glorious. Come on in!
Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens?
Leonard: I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money.
Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make.
Leonard: Wait, twice?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Like times two, twice?
Sheldon: I'll give you three guesses why I'm so irritated.
Howard: Well, uh... something happened different from the way you wanted it.
Sheldon: I guess news travels fast.
Amy: When there was a lice epidemic at my school, everybody got it except me. I tried to fool everyone by sprinkling sugar in my hair, but I just got attacked by bees.
Sheldon: I can just picture them all right now at Feynman's house, probably discussing Schr?dinger and at the same time not discussing Schr?dinger.
Wil Wheaton: Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say she played you like a violin?
Leonard: Yes it is, Wil.
Penny: So, how many people listen?
Wil Wheaton: Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live.
Penny: What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?
Wil Wheaton: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.
Raj: So, how's it going with the title to the house?
Howard: Great, it's all done. The lawyer tracked down my father and got him to sign it over. I didn't have to meet him, I didn't have to talk to him, I don't even know where he is.
Raj: Wow, so you're not curious at all?
Howard: Nope.
Raj: What if he's in prison? What if he's a spy? What if he's in a Beatles cover band? I'm just saying, if he's got your nose and haircut, he'd make a killer Ringo.
Wil Wheaton: Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2.
Caller: I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the movie. I've seen it, like, ten times.
Penny: Okay, well, I'll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you.
Wil Wheaton: You know that the movie actually has a little bit of a cult following.
Penny: Really?
Wil Wheaton: I was at a science fiction convention and I saw a woman dressed as your half-ape character.
Leonard: Oh, if she was with an Indian guy dressed like a banana, that was just my friends, Howard and Raj.
Josh Wolowitz: I've always dreamed of having a brother to play catch with.
Bernadette: Hmm, keep dreaming.
Howard: Hey, I threw out the first pitch at an Angels game.
Josh Wolowitz: Wow.
Bernadette: He did it with a robot.
Josh Wolowitz: You had sex with a robot?
Howard: That's not what she meant.
Raj: But technically, yes.
Amy: Can I be in charge of pricing? I've been going to garage sales my whole life. Can you believe I got these pantyhose for a nickel?
Howard: All right, Amy's in charge of pricing and being seventy-five.
Sheldon: (Opening lines) Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Leonard: I like to laugh, but say it anyway.
Sheldon: Okay. What do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley Physics Department? I'll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.
Penny: You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.
Sheldon: I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!
Leonard: I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!
Sheldon: What are you talking about?
Howard: Come on, Raj! You are the King Kong of ping pong! You are the menace of table tennis! Put her away, because I don't have a third one!
Bernadette: All right, if you can switch champions, so can I. Raj, you're up!
Penny: No fair! I thought I was your champion!
Bernadette: Oh, you don't even care!
Penny: Hey, I care... Wait, no I don't. Good luck, Raj.
Amy: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.
Howard: Excuse me. Why is there a sticker on this? It's my TARDIS, from Doctor Who. I was planning on moving it in the house.
Bernadette: I think you just answered your own question.
Howard: Come on, one day this may double in value. It'd be worth half what I paid for it!
Sheldon: So, what are you in for?
Mitchell: Honestly, I just wanted to meet Mr. Lucas and say thank you. You know, growing up the movies made a huge impact on my life. I never really fit in anywhere, until I discovered the worlds he had created, and I finally found a place where I belong.
Sheldon: But, why are you here?
Mitchell: Oh, I hopped a fence and they caught me in the sculpture gallery making out with the Chewbacca statue.
Sheldon: Excuse me.
(Gets up and sits next to Leonard)
Sheldon: Leonard... they have a sculpture gallery!
Leonard: I don't think George Lucas built his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.
Sheldon: Yoda's swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That's code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.
Bernadette: You know, Amy, I was wondering how Sheldon would react if you had a TARDIS in your place.
Howard: Don't listen to her, just hit the ball!
Amy: Keep talking.
(Cut to Amy's apartment, where the TARDIS is installed in her bedroom door)
Bernadette: If this doesn't get him into your bedroom, nothing will!
Sheldon: I can see the ranch, Leonard! Oh, it's rustic, it's lovely! I'd take a picture, but people are chasing me! I'm gonna make it! I'm gonna make it! They have tasers, but they wouldn't dare use... AAAAH!
Bernadette: No fair. You've had that table your whole life.
Howard: Not really. I mostly used it as a battlefield where the Transformers and the Thundercats fought an ongoing war over control of a bra I found in the woods.
Leonard: (they've just found the gate to Skywalker Ranch) You want to get a picture?
Sheldon: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.
Leonard: So do I, but they'll never let us.
Sheldon: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?
Leonard: No, but I don't have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.
Sheldon: Play that funky music, white boy!
Leonard: I'm surprised you know that reference.
Sheldon: What reference?
Penny: Bernadette, for every episode of Doctor Who Leonard had made me sit through, I will play on your behalf and send that TARDIS back to Galliffrey, where I hate that I know it belongs.
Sheldon: All he had was an idea.
Amy: Well, that's an important part.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I have ideas all day long. Reverse Sea World where dolphins are allowed to pet people. A new clothing size between medium and large called marge. Snow White as retold from the point of view of Sneezy. Why won't Doc prescribe him something? We finally find out.
Amy: Leonard's idea was good.
Sheldon: Fine. Then Grumpy. Why is he so grumpy all the time? Maybe his girlfriend won't take his side.
Howard: Thanks for helping us sort through all of Ma's stuff.
Raj: No problem. I know what it's like to go through a loved one's belongings. My uncle was a believer of Krishna, but when we went through his stuff, we found a statue of Shiva. It's not Crips and Bloods, but in India that is a thing.
Raj: Marvel has mad Tor a female.
Penny: Wait, who's Tor?
Raj: You know, Tor, the God of Tunder.
Sheldon: I have mixed feelings about doing interviews. I like the part where I talk. I do not like the part where the other man talks.
Penny: Who even reads Scientific American?
Leonard: It's kind of a big deal.
Penny: If it's such a big deal, how come the biggest celebrity they could get for the cover is a molecule?
Howard: Stuart, we're home!
Raj: I think it's nice that you're letting him live in your home.
Howard: Well, we tried putting him over by the curb, but nobody took him.
Penny: (Leonard and Sheldon are arguing during dinner) Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy I'd go to my real salon!
Howard: (about his mom's matzo ball soup) She always had some handy when I got sick. Mom always believed her cooking could cure anything. Including the food poisoning I got... from her cooking.
Bernadette: (Sheldon and Leonard are arguing during dinner) Hey! Sheldon, Leonard, living room right now!
Sheldon: (Sheldon and Leonard follow her) She said my name first, that must kill you.
Bernadette: (yelling from off screen, sounding eerily familiar to everyone) I don't know what you think you're doing, but this is a very difficult time for my husband! We're eating the last food his mother ever made and you are gonna throw it at each other like children? Whatever it is you're fighting about, put it aside, go back in there and be a good friend to Howard or there's no dessert for either of you! Look at me when I'm talking to you! And don't think...
Howard: (Bernadette keeps yelling) Do you guys ever notice sometimes Bernadette sounds like my mom?
Amy: I don't hear it.
Raj: No, not at all.
Stuart: Nah.
Penny: Not really.
Sheldon: Was it my fault that I have a bigger reputation than he does?
Amy: It's not your fault.
Sheldon: Is it my fault that my name comes first alphabetically on the title?
Amy: Not at all.
Sheldon: Is it my fault that when they identified me as lead scientist I didn't correct them?
Amy: Hey, look at that pretty bird!
Penny: I don't think I've eaten that much in my entire life.
Howard: That's why my people wandered the desert for forty years. Took that long to walk it off.
Howard: Oh, man. This is the boutineer from my high school prom. A piece of cake from my Bar Mitzvah.
Bernadette: Did she throw anything away?
Howard: No. If I find my foreskin, I'm gonna kill myself.
Raj: Okay, so we've got 3 briskets, 4 meat loafs, one lasagna...
Howard: No, that's noodle kugel.
Raj: One Jewish lasagna...
Sheldon: (Giving Leonard a shoulder massage) You relax all of your muscles. Except for your pubococcygeus and your anal sphincter. Let's keep those tight.
Leonard: (about the massage) Sheldon, that won't be necessary.
Sheldon: Of course it is. They control urine and faeces.
Howard: It's all defrosting.
Bernadette: It's okay. It's only food
Howard: No, it's not just food! This is the last food my mother ever made. This is her last brisket. This is her last meat loaf. This is her last... I have no idea what this is, but it's her last one.
Sheldon: During the seven month trip to Mars, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor. Leonard, could you check to see if there is still peanut brittle in that can?
Leonard: You mean this suspicious looking can over here?
Sheldon: Yes. Open it and check.
(Leonard opens can)
Leonard: I don't get it. There actually is peanut brittle in here.
(Sheldon throws a pie in Leonard's face)
Leonard: Please go to Mars.
Sheldon: I can't believe you almost let me bring a wild animal into my house.
Amy: No one told you to stick your finger in the turtle's face.
Sheldon: I was playing got your nose. That's how you get kids to like you.
Amy: Getting a joint pet is a big step in our relationship.
Sheldon: It's true. It means we love each other so much we have enough left over for an eight ounce reptile.
Bernadette: What's wrong?
Howard: Koothrappali was snooping in Emily's apartment and broke one of her drawers.
Bernadette: Aw. I'm gonna miss her.
Amy: Let's pick a turtle. How about that one, on the log?
Sheldon: I don't know. He looks like a jerk. How about this one?
Amy: That one? He's hardly moving, he looks half dead.
Sheldon: I know. I like him too.
Sheldon: In fact, animals don't trust me because I smell like nothing.
Sheldon: We could be the first to say, "Good Lord, what on Mars are you talking about?"
Amy: Let's say it together.
Amy, Sheldon: We're getting a turtle!
Penny: See, this is why I've been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: That was tricky because when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.
Sheldon: I know that life on Mars will be difficult. But life here on Earth is no picnic. Also, picnics are no picnic.
Emily: Don't worry. She's in Palm Springs.
Raj: Oh good.
Emily: Well, her torso is.
Howard: (listening to Raj and Emily) We should hang up.
Bernadette: Yeah, we should.
Howard: But we're not going to, are we?
Bernadette: Not a chance.
Leonard: Why a turtle?
Sheldon: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.
Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.
Sheldon: And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.
Sheldon: Amy, I've already had one new hole torn in my body today. I don't need another one.
Howard: How are the taxes going?
Bernadette: Okay, but you got a lot of receipts for the Lego store in here.
Howard: Those are business expenses. You can write those off.
Bernadette: A $200 R2-D2 was a business expense?
Howard: Oh Bernie, you're gonna have to sound a lot more confident when we get audited.
Sheldon: I'm exceedingly smart. I graduated college at fourteen. While my brother was getting an STD, I was getting a Ph.D. Penicillin can't take this away.
Howard: (Inspecting the broken drawer through Raj's phone) I think you broke the dowels. You're not going to have time to glue it back on, you'll have to nail it.
Raj: With what?
Howard: Does she have any pillows or wine glasses?
Raj: (Excited) She does!
Howard: Great! Neither of those, TRY A HAMMER!
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.
Sheldon: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.
Penny: Can you believe it's been eight years?
Sheldon: And you're still eating our food.
Sheldon: If you could wake up tomorrow, having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Penny: Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.
Amy: So that's the key to the door? That's it?
Leonard: Spent $200 on 6 minutes of fun?
Penny: I'm comfortable around you too.
Sheldon: Of course you are. I'm warm and soothing. I'm like a human bowl of tomato soup.
Bernadette: You'd better find my husband's mother, 'cause one way or another, we're walkin' out of this airport with a dead woman!
Raj: Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Leonard: Honestly, I would choose Penny.
Amy: Aww. Then I choose a janitor, because I'm about to to throw up.
Sheldon: If this experiment does make us fall in love, would you drive me to Lake Geneva, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It's the only convention celebrating the life and work of Gary Gygax, the co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.
Penny: You know what, I can honestly say if we fall in love, not only will I drive you there, I will buy you all the dragon t-shirts you want.
Sheldon: Okay, Babe, let's do this.
Penny: Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Sheldon: Hmm. Living or dead?
Penny: Just says "anyone in the world." Guess that means living.
Sheldon: Oh, that's just as well. As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals, and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know! The person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.
Penny: You sure that's your choice? 'Cause I've had that dinner.
Sheldon: Well, I haven't. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?
Penny: Robert Downey Jr.
Sheldon: You... Oh! I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.
Raj: I believe in not tempting fate. That's why I don't pick a fight with an Asian. They might not know karate, but why risk it?
Amy: I think you're safe.
Raj: That's what the bullies in Bruce Lee's school said, and bam! - karate.
Zombie: No refund if finish early.
Sheldon: Well, what I meant was... I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can't always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, if they're mad at something I've done or just in a bad mood. It's incredibly stressful.
Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not. And if I could read people's minds, life would be so much simpler.
Penny: Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.
Sheldon: (referring to Penny's glass of wine) Are you sure it's not too much Bible juice?
Penny: ...And the wave is gone.
Penny: That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.
Sheldon: You're making it difficult to love you right now.
Howard: Are you kidding me? You *lost my mother's ashes*?
Sheldon: You ready to begin?
Penny: Yep, be right there. I assume you don't want wine.
Sheldon: Correct. You're not supposed to drink alcohol when operating heavy machinery.
Penny: What heavy machinery?
(Sheldon points to his head)
Penny: What about you, Raj? Would you use that test on Emily?
Raj: No, I have my family's wealth for that.
Penny: Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.
Sheldon: Ha! Keep dreaming.
Penny: Wow. I just felt this wave of affection for you.
Sheldon: You sure it's not too much Bible juice?
Emily: Have you ever been to an escape room?
Leonard: What's that?
Emily: It's like interactive theater, but with puzzles. There's one downtown where you're trapped in a room with a zombie.
Raj: Kind of like what Penny is doing right now.
Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Sheldon: So it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
Penny: Today's your birthday?
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: Well, that's always been a secret! Not even Amy knows.
Sheldon: Well, I don't enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yell, "Surprise!" fills me with more dread than the words "George Lucas' Director's Cut."
Sheldon: What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Penny: Oh. Well, I'd probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks, and probably get a massage, and then cap off the night with some dancing.
Sheldon: That's it?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Sheldon: You didn't mention Leonard.
Penny: (pauses, looking a little guilty) He's there.
Sheldon: I don't think so. Leonard can't stand yoga, the beach, massages, or dancing.
Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay, what's yours?
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Then a wormhole opens and whisks me millions of years into the future, where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.
Penny: Interesting. You didn't mention Amy.
Sheldon: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?
Sheldon: Now, let's tabulate the results of the experiment. I think it's safe to say that you're not in love with me, and I'm not in love with you. And psychology has once again proved itself the doofus of the sciences.
Howard: That is a good point. But I didn't marry you for good points. I married you to blindly support me no matter how ridiculous I'm being!
Bernadette: This is why I had to rewrite our wedding vows.
Penny: Try thinking about something else.
Sheldon: Can I think about the spiny anteater?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: The spiny anteater... did not go behind my back and help Barry Kripke. That did not help at all.
Sheldon: When I lost my own father, I didn't have any friends to help me through it. You do.
Sheldon: Why didn't you help me out when I was stuck in string theory?
Amy: I did. You said the only math biologists know is when they have three frogs and one hops away and you have two frogs.
Sheldon: That is funny, it does sound like me.
Sheldon: Is that all you have, shopworn tidbits like "talk to her" and "let it go"? Gee, Penny, life's given me lemons, what should I do?
Penny: Well, you could shove 'em somewhere.
Sheldon: Okay, now you're getting creative.
Penny: Imagine your problems are a pen.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Now imagine you're holding that pen.
(Sheldon holds up his hand as if he were holding a pen)
Penny: Now open your hand and let it go.
Sheldon: But I just got this pen! It's got my initials on it and everything. Look.
(Holds up empty hand)
Penny: What's going on?
Sheldon: I'm mad at Amy.
Penny: Did she leave pit stains in your favorite crop top too?
Raj: Don't see why he's so grumpy. I got mistaken for that guy in Life of Pi once. I'm still floating.
Leonard: Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother... to us all.
Penny: How's Howard holding up?
Raj: He's hanging in there.
Leonard: How are you doing, Stuart?
Stuart: Still can't believe she's gone. I mean, that woman took me in. If it wasn't for her, I, I would have been homeless.
Amy: One of us would have taken you in.
Stuart: Yeah, I don't recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I'm glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person.
Raj: Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.
Penny: Whenever I saw her, she'd say I was too skinny and try and feed me.
Amy: She did that to me, too.
Penny: Don't take this away from me.
Sheldon: I didn't care for her yelling. But now that I'm not going to hear it again, I'm sad.
Leonard: If you want, I can yell at you later.
Sheldon: It won't be as good.
Leonard: Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother to all of us. We'll miss you.
Sheldon: (after Howard learns his mother died) May I say something?
Leonard: Not now, Sheldon.
Howard: No, it's okay. Go ahead.
Sheldon: When my father died, I had no friends to help me through it. You do.
Penny: (Crying) I really thought he was going to say "let it go."
Penny: I can't believe you were testing me against a chimp.
Sheldon: Well excuse me, Amy was testing you. I was rooting for you. Good job on that banana box, by the way.
Sheldon: That doesn't mean that you should be standing on street corners handing out your math to whatever guy comes along.
(Opening lines)
Sheldon: I invented a new science joke. Would you like to hear it?
Amy: Of course
Sheldon: How many Edisons does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Amy: How many?
Sheldon: None, because he stole the idea for the lightbulb and doesn't deserve his own joke.
Amy: Is that true?
Sheldon: Of course. That's how you know it's a good joke. It entertains and educates.
Leonard: When you talk like that, it makes me want to take you on this table right now.
Penny: And we both know from past experience that this table won't support both our weights.
Leonard: You worked out all the math?
Sheldon: I did more than work out the math. I wrote a paper.
Leonard: You wrote a paper on my idea?
Sheldon: I wrote a paper on our idea.
Leonard: Since when is it our idea?
Sheldon: Since I added some Sheldony goodness and baked it in the E-Z Bake Oven of my mind.
Sheldon: I was starting to think I might never get a chance to give it to you.
Leonard: You're giving me a sticker.
Sheldon: Not just a sticker. It's a sticker of a kitty saying "mee-wow!"
Leonard: I'm not a preschooler.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll take it back.
Leonard: I earned this. Back off!
Amy: I remember when I had no friends. I miss those days.
Stephen Hawking: Hello there.
Sheldon: Mr. Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: Oh, brother. You should see the looks on your faces.
Sheldon: You really didn't like our paper?
Stephen Hawking: I liked your paper. The premise is intriguing.
Leonard: Then why did you write those comments?
Stephen Hawking: When you're stuck on a chair for forty years, you'd get bored too.
Sheldon: Can I respond now?
Leonard: Do it.
Sheldon: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I'm going to show this man just how horny I can be.
Leonard: (Takes away phone) Okay, someone else do it.
Raj: I hate how mean everyone is on the internet.
Howard: The anonimity makes people feel they can say things they'd never say to someone's face.
Sheldon: That's funny. I never have any trouble saying what I think to someone's face.
Leonard: Really? I never noticed that about you.
Amy: You don't need to drive yourself crazy in order to be productive.
Sheldon: Or do I? Hmm? Sir Isaac Newton wrote his Principia while convinced he was an armadillo.
Amy: That's not true.
Sheldon: Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I have been hallucinating lately.
Penny: So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.
Amy: That would be so romantic for you and Leonard.
Penny: Yeah, clearly you haven't seen him on the beach, walking around with his metal detector.
Amy: If I were going to Hawaii, I'd spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?
Penny: Really?
Amy: (Amy nods)
Penny: (to Bernadette) Wanna go to Hawaii?
Howard: It's called Emily or Cinnamon. I give you actual quotes I've heard Raj say, and you guess if he was talking to his girlfriend or his dog.
Raj: Go ahead, make fun. You can't embarrass me. I've got a beautiful girlfriend and a dog who loves me so much, she drinks my bath water
Howard: Okay. Who was he talking to, Emily or Cinnamon? "I want you to know the bed feels so lonely when you're not in it."
Raj: (Leonard looks at Raj and starts chuckling) I may not be liking this game so much.
Emily: So, I hear you guys have been playing a little game.
Howard: Well, um, we were just kidding around.
Emily: Well, you may think it's funny that Raj is sweet and sensitive, but I think it's sexy.
(kisses Raj)
Emily: Ugh, why is there dog hair in your mouth?
Leonard: OK, we're headed out. See you later.
Sheldon: I know. Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Sheldon: (Sheldon puts on headphones) Go ahead.
Leonard: Hello, can you hear me?
(Sheldon doesn't react)
Leonard: Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter in the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Uh, Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.
Leonard: Your George Lucas autograph is really a me autograph.
Penny: Yeah, well, once I was too lazy to walk across the hall so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard: Ooh, and at one time when you were asleep Amy totally took off her-
(Sheldon takes off headphones)
Leonard: And that's why you're the best roommate ever.
Sheldon: Aaaaw. Now I'm sad I didn't hear it.
Sheldon: I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but when a mouse completes a maze, it gets a food pellet.
Amy: It also gets its brain plucked out with tweezers.
Sheldon: And its last meal was a food pellet? You're a monster.
Sheldon: You sounded in distress. I was worried something unpleasant was happening to you. Like a murder, or spontaneous coitus with Leonard.
Penny: Have fun.
Sheldon: Oh, I will. Nothing more fun than a paradigm-shifting evening of science.
Penny: (to Leonard) And you thought it was soaping me up in the shower.
Penny: What exactly do you think goes on here?
Sheldon: Conversations you wouldn't be comfortable having in front of the opposite sex, who has the best cervix? Which sanitary napkin is all the rage, men's buttocks and how you want to pad and squeeze them
Bernadette: We were talking about Penny's job
Sheldon: And how difficult is to do when she's bloated cranky and crampy, continue
Penny: We are just people, we talk about the same things you guys talk about
Sheldon: You talk about if werewolves can swim? Leonard says yes, I say it depends on if the human could swim before he was bitten
Penny: Let's just talk about our periods
Amy: Hold on, all cannines can swim, why would werewolves be any different?
Bernadette: They're not a hundred per cent werewolf, they're part human, it's like comparing apples to oranges
Sheldon: Thank you although in this case it'd be like comparing apples to were oranges who only turned on a full moon
Raj: Where's Sheldon?
Penny: Date night.
Leonard: That can't be much fun for Amy. You know, at work today he tried his first Red Bull?
Bernadette: What happened?
Leonard: He chased a squirrel around the quad for a while... and then threw up in my car.
Raj: I think it's a little weird that you remember me saying all these things, Maybe the truth is you're jealous about my relationships.
Howard: Uh, maybe I am. Who wouldn't want to be the girl, or possibly dog, to hear the words "You're so lucky, you have the shiniest hair."
Leonard: That's a tough one, I know he brushes both of them
Leonard: What is going on?
Sheldon: Oh, I need to keep my anxiety at the right level, so I'm using Darth Vader, the Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep me in that sweet spot. Yeah, I tried including Taylor Swift in the mix, but turned out I love her.
Leonard: At least listen to it through headphones. I'm trying to sleep. Good night.
Sheldon: Boy! Taylor was right; haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
Leonard: (sitting on the department store while the girls shop) This isn't so bad.
Sheldon: Easy for you to say. You' chair isn't facing the lingerie section. Boy that's a lot of panties!
Penny: We could go horseback riding.
Amy: Oh, I can't. My hips can't open any wider than 22 degrees. Once I rode a very thin pony. First jump, popped right off.
Raj: I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin
Bernadette: I told you not to wax down there. It's itchy when it grows back
Sheldon: Well, there were plenty of things to do before smart phones.
Leonard: That's true
Sheldon: I'll look them up.
(Pulls out phone before realizing)
Sheldon: Son of a biscuit!
Leonard: Just let it go.
Sheldon: What king of store doesn't have wifi? I'm calling their corporate offices - Son of a biscuit!
Raj: Space ice is no joke! I can't even watch Frozen anymore!
Howard: It's not like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, right? Some bald guy with horns isn't gonna rip out my heart?
Raj: Dude, that movie is an imperialist fantasy that makes the followers of a beautiful and peaceful religion look like a bunch of bloodthirsty barbarians.
Howard: You love that movie.
Raj: Yeah, it's pretty great!
Raj: Whenever I walk into that temple, I realize that whatever happens, it's okay. We're all part of an immense pattern, and though we can't understand it, we can be happy to know that it's working its will through us. Whatever you call it God or the universe or the self, we're all interconnected and that's just beautiful.
Leonard: You make compromises?
Sheldon: All the time
Leonard: On Earth? In our lives? That we're living?
Sheldon: I have excellent peripheral vision... On a good day I can see my ears.
Leonard: Compromise is me driving you everywhere because you don't want to learn how to
Sheldon: I learnt how to, Amy taught me
Leonard: Then why won't you do it?
Sheldon: Well, it's scary, and sometimes I get the pedals mixed up. But more importantly, driving me to work is one of the things that gives your life purpose. I can't take that away from you, so what do I do?... Oh, come on, I'm practically feeding you the answer. I compromise.
Howard: You believe the way to understanding the universe is based on facts and evidence, here you are counting on some blue chick with a hundred arms to help you out
Raj: That is so offensive, does everything you know about Hinduism come from Indiana Jones?
Howard: No, also Apu from the Simpsons
Howard: (after arriving at a Hindu temple for Howard's first time) Is there anything I should know before I go in?
Raj: Like what?
Howard: Like... am I dressed OK?
Raj: Really? So every other place you've been you thought this was fine?
Bernadette: All I have is our new urine-flow drug. It won't help with his anxiety, but it's so strong, when he pees, he'll fly around the room like he's got a jetpack.
Penny: (to Amy) There has to be something fun we can do the guys will hate
Leonard: Hang on, why do we have to hate it?
Penny: Three words, Dr Who Convention
Leonard: I did not force you to go to that.
Penny: You walked out of the house in a fez and bow tie, I went so you didn't get beat up
Leonard: I wasn't going to get beat up
Penny: You were, somehow I held myself back
Leonard: Interesting. You accuse us of making you do things you don't like, but here you are doing the same thing to poor Amy.
Sheldon: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.
Leonard: I was.
Sheldon: Then you should have made it clearer. Maybe throw in a "How do you like them apples, Missy?"
Leonard: Because of you, I'm not allowed to adjust the temperature in my own home. I'm not allowed to whistle. I don't wear shoes that might squeak.
Sheldon: Well, you're a physicist, not a circus clown.
Sheldon: You know what you could make us do? Ice skating. The cold air will trigger Leonard's asthma, and it plays into my well-known fear of getting flattened by a Zamboni.
Leonard: Now you're helping them find ways to make us miserable?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Leonard. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do.
Amy: I can't go ice skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.
Penny: Is there any part of you that's normal?
(Amy gives Penny a mischievous smile)
Sheldon: Just put on your squeaky shoes and eee eee eee your way out of my life.
Amy: I've always wanted to do a traditional Victorian Christmas: parlor games, goose, and figgy pudding...
Sheldon: Yuck! English pudding! You get yourself all excited for pudding, and here comes a cake with raisins in it. I'm not going.
Amy: You're going.
Sheldon: Why do you hate me?
Amy: I don't hate you, I love you.
Sheldon: Well, you call it "love", but it has a lot of raisins in it.
Bernadette: (Was singing to "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" when Sheldon turns off the radio) Why did you turn it off?
Sheldon: Because in the last ten minutes, Santa Claus came to town, kissed Mommy and ran Grandma over with a reindeer. I have a drunk uncle who did all those things and no one sings songs about him.
Bernadette: Well, maybe it would help if you thought of him as a superhero whose superpower is bringing joy to children.
Sheldon: My uncle did that too. It turned out to be legal in Oklahoma.
Bernadette: I think the nicest gifts I've got from Howie show how well he knows me.
Sheldon: Hm. Let's see. What do I know about Amy? She loves medieval literature. Chaucer's her favorite. Her eyes sparkle when she watches old French movies. I enjoy how harp music causes her fingers to dance as if she's playing along.
Bernadette: Wow. You really do love her.
Sheldon: I do. Now, let's find the kind of gift that makes her feel small and worthless.
Leonard: You can't catch a pigeon with a Slim Jim and a garbage bag.
(Pigeon dives in and takes the jerky off Leonard's hand)
Raj: Should have put it in the bag, dude.
Santa: Let me see if I got this straight. A picture of you on my lap is a way of punishing your girlfriend for making you celebrate Christmas?
Sheldon: Correct.
Santa: Santa thinks dating you is punishment enough.
Sheldon: There's an argument for that, but I want to make sure.
Leonard: Do you know what a disaster this is?
Howard: You mean 'cause this room isn't supposed to have dust in it and we just let in a flying crap machine?
Dr. Koothrappali: Relax. Easy for you to say. You're mother isn't cleaning out your bank account. 40 years, the woman never cleaned a thing,
Raj: (Howard is about to perform CPR on a bird) Don't blow too hard. If you pop him, I will vomit.
Leonard: You know what I love about the clean room? No allergies.
(Takes deep breath)
Leonard: Whoa, that's a lot of oxygen.
Leonard: How do we catch it?
Howard: What if we turn off all the lights except for one and it'll come to it?
Leonard: It's not a moth!
(Opening lines)
Amy: How are your parents doing, Raj?
Raj: Not good. They hired attorneys to speak to each other.
Sheldon: Speaking of attorneys, you know who I wouldn't hire to represent me in court? She-Hulk.
Penny: You almost stayed in topic. Good for you.
Amy: Wait, She-Hulk is a lawyer?
Howard: Yeah. She works at a lawfirm in New York.
Sheldon: And she's the only monster in the firm. Between you, me and the walls, I think she was an affirmative action hire.
Leonard: Well, that's it. That's the end of Roger Abbot.
Raj: And we still don't know who framed him.
Sheldon: Now I'd like to welcome a very special guest. He put the Reading in your Rainbow, the Geordi in your La Forge, and the Kunta in your Kinte. Please welcome Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar Burton: Thank you, Sheldon. Now, you remember our deal.
Sheldon: You do this and I erase all your contact information.
LeVar Burton: While...
Sheldon: While you watch me do it.
Amy: (to Sheldon, who is dressed like Betsy Ross) Well, Betsy Ross. What are you working on?
Sheldon: (High-pitched voice) I have no idea, because the story of me sewing the first American flag is complete poppycock.
Amy: Then who did make the first American flag?
Sheldon: Don't ask me. I'm just a simple seamstress...
(normal voice)
Sheldon: ... whose descendants are out to make a quick buck!
Sheldon: I'd like to thank Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler, who by the way is the first woman to host a flag-related web series.
Amy: Take that, glass ceiling.
Bernadette: Like my dad said, nobody likes a crybaby except their mommies and democrats.
Raj: You know what I do when I feel down?
Howard: Sing "Hakuna Matata" like a seven-year-old girl?
Raj: Wrong, Mister Smarty-Pants! It's "Everything is Awesome" from the Lego Movie.
Bernadette: I'm not a bully. I mean, maybe I come off a little strong, but that's only because my dad raised me to be tough and not to take crap from anybody.
Penny: No. That's fine, but there's a difference between being tough and telling your friend her new pants look like a saggy diaper.
Bernadette: I did say that, didn't I?
Penny: Yeah, you did. I felt so self-conscious, I had to return them.
Bernadette: Where? To Babies R Us?
Penny: You're doing it again!
Amy: (Leonard is going in for surgery) It's a routine procedure. I've heard you complain about his snoring.
Sheldon: Yes, for the first five or six years, but I've gotten used to it. It helps me sleep. He's like my own mucus powered white noise machine.
Sheldon: What if you're allergic to latex gloves?
Leonard: I'm not allergic to latex.
Sheldon: Well, what about epilepsy?
Leonard: I don't have epilepsy.
Sheldon: You don't, but the doctor might. One shaky scalpel and your carotid artery becomes a dancing fountain at Disneyland.
Sheldon: You're acting odd. Why?.
Amy: I'm odd all the time. Everyone knows that. Just last night I tried to see how many fava beans I could put in my mouth.
Sheldon: Tell me the truth.
Amy: Twenty-eight.
Sheldon: Come on.
Amy: Fifty-six.
Howard: So, I found this fencing school in Burbank that has a Jedi class. And if you're cool being the only adults there, they said they are.
Sheldon: If you get the surgery, the snoring is gone. If you die during surgery... the snoring is gone.
Leonard: Sounds like either way I finally get some rest.
Amy: (Playing Heads Up; the clue is Tesla) Okay, this is someone you love.
Sheldon: I got it, it's me.
Amy: No. He's an underapreciated scientist.
Sheldon: Still think it's me.
Amy: It's not you. Now think. He has a car named after him.
Sheldon: Of course there is: the Mini Cooper, because it's me.
Amy: Let's try this. He's the poorman's Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, Tesla! It's Tesla.
Sheldon: It's not life-threatening. Why are you getting surgery?
Leonard: Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections...
Penny: Back off. He's mine.
Leonard: What you get?
Sheldon: Oh, I ordered this before your surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in.
Penny: It's morbid. Send it back.
Sheldon: I can't. I had it engraved. "Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better."
Leonard: That's funny. Boy, I'm gonna miss these pain killers.
Penny: Why'd you get two? "I'm with stupid."
Sheldon: Oh, that one's mine.
Sheldon: I assume the clinic has already treated the burns on your bottom from your recent pants fire.
Penny: Because I'm a liar, liar?
Sheldon: That's for the fire marshall to determine.
Raj: I was on the phone with my mother.
Bernadette: How is she?
Raj: Pretty Good. She bought the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and used it to set my father's Mercedes on fire.
Amy: This is like the man in the supermarket with the goiter on his neck. Whatever you're thinking, just keep it to yourself.
Sheldon: It was like a grapefruit.
Amy: And I'm sure he knew that before you held a grapefruit up next to it.
Leonard: I'm certainly not going to die by asteroid impact.
Sheldon: You know who else thought that? Every cocky T.rex currently swimming around in your car tank.
Penny: (Noticing the teddy bear Sheldon has) It's nice you got that for Leonard.
Sheldon: Oh, this isn't for Leonard. Amy bought me this.
Amy: He stubbed his toe on the revolving door.
Sheldon: You know those confounded things confuse me.
Amy: Then why did you keep going around?
Sheldon: There was a large plant in the lobby. I kept mistaking it for the outside.
Sheldon: (a tremor shakes the waiting room) What was that?
Penny: It's just a small tremor.
Sheldon: A small tremor that can turn a routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.
(Power goes out)
Sheldon: Oh, I don't care for this at all. I have to see that Leonard is all right. I'm going in there.
Amy: Sheldon, you can't go in there.
Sheldon: Try and stop me.
(Runs into glass door and falls)
Amy: Are you all right?
Sheldon: Why didn't you stop me?
Howard: He's gonna bring my mom. Why did you even invite him?
Bernadette: Because he's our friend, and you two need to get along. And why can't he take your mom? You took her to your prom.
Howard: I didn't "take" her; she was a chaperone.
Bernadette: I saw a picture of you two dancing together.
Howard: W-What was I gonna do? They were playing our song! I can't take this anymore.
(makes a phone call)
Howard: Stuart, we have to talk. This thing with you and my mom, I-I hate it. It's making me crazy. You and I were friends for years, and now you're bringing my mother to a party I'm going to? What the hell?
Stuart: I'm not bringing your mother, I have a date.
Howard: Oh, so now you're cheating on my mother?
Leonard: (Tying Sheldon's bow tie) One of these days you have to learn to do this yourself. There are some clip-ons you could try.
Sheldon: Bruce Wayne doesn't use a clip-on.
Leonard: Bruce Wayne doesn't have his roommate tie his bowties for him.
Sheldon: His name is Alfred, and yes he does.
Stuart: What are you talking about? There's nothing weird going on between me and your mother.
Debbie Wolowitz: Stewie! Your bath is getting cold!
Stuart: Sorry, gotta go.
Amy: (Picks up a red dress) And what is this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, was my prom dress.
Bernadette: You still have it? I thought it would be balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Bernadette: Slutty.
Amy: Easy
Penny: The word is popular.
Stuart: So, I met Jeanie at your Aunt Gladys's. She passed me the Manischewitz, so I took one look at this punim and almost plotzed on the kugel.
Bernadette: (Howard is choking Stuart) Howie, get off of him!
Howard: Not until he stops humping his way up my family tree.
Sheldon: There's no denying that I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered that I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.
Leonard: Look at me. I'm dancing with the prettiest girl at the prom.
Penny: Want to send a photo to your chess club friends?
Leonard: I sent them a bikini shot of you a long time ago.
Leonard: Thank you for wearing flats.
Penny: Thank you for wearing heels.
Amy: Sheldon, there's something else I've been wanting to say. But before I do, just... I want you to know you don't have to say it back. I know you're not ready, and I don't want you to say it just because social convention dictates...
Sheldon: I love you too.
Amy: You said it.
Sheldon: There's no denying I have feelings for you that can't be explained in any other way. I briefly considered I had a brain parasite, but that seems even more far-fetched. The only conclusion was love.
(Amy starts hyperventilating)
Sheldon: I know what that is. You're having a panic attack. SoccerMom09 says to lie down on your back.
Amy: Thank you.
(runs over to Sheldon's bed)
Sheldon: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Just because I love you doesn't mean that girls are allowed in my room.
Amy: Sheldon, are you all right?
Sheldon: Not really. I seem to be having a panic attack, according to this chatgroup I found. SoccerMom09 had the same symptoms. Although to be fair, the twins were being terrible that day.
Howard: There are lots of people who wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
Raj: Oh, really? Like who?
Howard: You and your dog.
Leonard: Don't rule out the dating.
Sheldon: Pretending to be an alien is a valuable coping mechanism I've used many times. I did it the first time I went to see you in a play. You had no idea that Commander Umfrumf of Ceti Alpha 3 was in the audience. Oh, don't worry. He gave you seven thumbs up.
Sheldon: You think you got it bad, consider the gibbon. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family who isn't classified as a great ape. All the non-human members of the ape family are great apes except him, so taxologists made up the classification of lesser ape just to single him out as the weird kid in the playground.
Leonard: A gibbon doesn't care how he's classified. He doesn't even know he's called a gibbon.
Sheldon: That's true.
(to Howard)
Sheldon: Sorry, kid. You've got it worse than a gibbon.
Raj: Ever since I saw Pretty in Pink, I always wanted to go to an American prom. Then I saw Carrie and then, not so much. Then I saw Never Been Kissed and I was into it again. Boy, this prom thing has been a real roller coaster.
Bernadette: (noticing Emily's tattoo) That's a neat tattoo.
Emily: Oh, thanks. It's Sally from "Nightmare Before Christmas".
Bernadette: Aw, that movie's so cute.
Howard: Do you like her because you both have red hair?
Emily: A little, but more that she's covered with scars and can pull her own limbs off and sew them back on.
Bernadette: (awkward pause) I like "Cinderella".
Emily: Did you know in the original book the sisters cut their toes off with knives in order to fit in the glass slipper?
Bernadette: (looking uneasy) I like "Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo".
Dr. Lorvis: I don't like to brag, but you see, I'm kinda the doctor to the stars' urinary tracts
Howard, Raj, Sheldon, Leonard: Wow.
Dr. Lorvis: You want to see James Cameron's kidney stone?
(shows them his keychain)
Howard, Raj, Sheldon, Leonard: Oooo.
Dr. Lorvis: He was so happy after he passed it, he gave me a Terminator.
Leonard: That is amazing. How long have you been collecting?
Dr. Lorvis: Ever since I was a kid, but I didn't really get serious until William Shatner's bladder infection.
Sheldon: What'd you get? What'd you get?
Dr. Lorvis: Well, he said it was a Tribble. It could be a toup?e, but either way it's pretty cool.
Sheldon: Leonard, where are your social skills? This man is clearly upset. We should invite him in for a hot beverage.
Leonard: He tried to score on Penny.
Sheldon: So have these two
(gestures toward Howard and Raj)
Sheldon: and they're having dinner with us.
Bernadette: They just cancelled the photo shoot and said they were rethinking it
Amy: I'm really sorry, I think it's for the best. You want people focussing on your achievements, not staring at your breasts in a magazine.
Bernadette: I guess, it's really not that important.
(Amy stares fixatedly for several seconds at Bernadette's breasts)
Bernadette: Hey! Up here!
Amy: Sorry, we just - were talking about them.
Amy: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is, "Check out the rack on that scientist!"
Dr. Lorvis: You're a guy like me. So, how did you get a girl like Penny?
Leonard: Oh, well, you know, just being myself, really.
Sheldon: Oh please! You know, I'll tell you how he did it. Implacable relentless badgering. In urology terms, he was a drug-resistant staph infection and she was a urethra that could not shake him.
Leonard: I don't know that I'd call myself an infection.
Howard: A gallant man would defend his fianc?e for being called a urethra.
Sheldon: Oh, and on the topic of sharing things that are yours, there's a gentleman caller bringing flowers to your fianc?e as we speak.
Raj: You know what I think about when I'm scared? Voyager.
Sheldon: Voyager the space probe or Voyager the TV show?
Raj: The space probe.
Sheldon: Good, because I'm too hot to go on about how much I hate Voyager the TV show.
Sheldon: Are they making fun of us?
Raj: Yup.
Sheldon: I miss the old days when I couldn't tell.
Penny: You guys are gonna work in a mine?
Sheldon: Why not?
Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash!
Sheldon: Perhaps the emotion you were refering to was shock at you having something cleaned.
Raj: Okay, how about a little Miley Cyrus next?
Sheldon: Who's he?
Bernadette: Why are you being a baby?
Howard: I'm not a baby, I'm a grown man, and I made the bed. Now where's my star.
Leonard: Should we go?
Penny: Hang on. I want to see if he gets his star.
Leonard: You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.
Raj: You call yourself a friend? I was trying to help you, and at the first sign of trouble, you ran away, leaving me to fend off a family of rats!
Sheldon: It's an exciting time in the field.
Bernadette: Why, what's happening?
Sheldon: I just entered it.
Sheldon: Sheldon's mine simulation log, entry 4: My Kit Kat has melted. All is lost.
Amy: I'll show you the divot in my spine.
Bernadette: What?
Amy: No, no, it's okay. I was born with it. If you put a AA battery in there, it makes my leg kick.
Amy: (while tipsy, to Bernadette) Scientist to scientist, how big are those Hadron Colliders?
Howard: My cousin has a cabin out in the woods.
Sheldon: I'm not going to a cabin in the woods. Did you see the movie Cabin in the Woods?
Leonard: Then we'll go to a hotel.
Sheldon: A hotel? Did you see The Shining?
Raj: We could go up to Big Bear and get a house on the lake.
Sheldon: Did you see The Lake House?
Raj: Nothing bad happens in The Lake House.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, no, not to them. To me. Time traveling mailbox. The only time that traveled was an hour and half of my life down the toilet!
Leonard: Negative reinforcement isn't working.
Sheldon: I think you mean positive punishment. Negative reinforcement is the removal of a positive stimulus. It's a common mistake.
Howard: Negative reinforcement is really wrong?
Sheldon: Oh, it's used incorrectly all the time. Even Bill Murray makes that mistake in the first scene of Ghostbusters.
Raj: No way. Not Bill Murray!
Leonard: (Looking at their invention journal) Boy, I haven't looked at these in years. Let's see... robot girlfriend...
Howard: That was mine.
Leonard: Robot prostitute...
Howard: Also mine.
Sheldon: I'm confused. Why would you have both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
Howard: There are some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj: Boy, when Howard married Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.
Penny: I'm going downstairs and fill up on margaritas until I vomit all over the roulette wheel and watch it go everywhere.
Amy: What if we don't want to vomit?
Penny: You have to vomit. That's why they give you the bucket.
Sheldon: I have long suspected that the idea of an African-American President was stolen from the movie Deep Impact.
Howard: Hold on. Pause. Something doesn't make sense.
(drawing on the whiteboard)
Howard: Look, in 2015, Biff steals the sports almanac and takes the time machine back to 1955, to give it to his younger self. But as soon as he does that, he changes the future, so the 2015 he returns to would be a different 2015, not the 2015 that Marty and Doc were in.
Leonard: This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn't until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.
Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is "placed" right?
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Is "placed" the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?
Leonard: (thinking) Had will have placed?
Sheldon: That's my boy.
Leonard: Okay, so, it wasn't until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That's when he altered the timeline.
Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven't placed it!
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn't be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn't the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine...
Leonard: Wait. Is "brought" right?
Sheldon: (thinking) Marty and Doc never... had have had brought?
Leonard: ...I don't know. You did it to me.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn't, never had have hasn't.
Raj: Hey, I read that someone invented a way to convert your footsteps into electromagnetic energy so you can charge your cell phone while walking.
Leonard: We had that idea years ago. How come we never did anything with it?
Howard: Probably because we left the diagram of it in the restaurant, and none of us wanted to walk back.
Sheldon: I know the real reason you never made progress with that idea. You thought of it September 22, 2007. Two days later, Penny moved in, and so much blood rushed to your genitals, your brain became a ghost town.
Howard: Can't argue with him, it's right there on the screen. Austria really does look like a wiener.
Raj: Forget that, check out how hung Florida is.
Leonard: I'm sure Mrs. Florida walks funny. Can we get back to work?
Amy: Hey Penny, let's go. We found a place that has Australian male strippers.
Bernadette: We want to see if they twirl their junk in the other direction.
Penny: (planning weekend to Vegas) I'll check flights.
Bernadette: I'll check hotels.
Amy: I'll check my underpants. I'm so excited, I think I peed.
Bernadette: (watching striptease) Have you ever seen a body so fine?
Amy: We had some pretty hot corpses in my anatomy class, but none of them moved like that!
Sheldon: I miss Stuart's place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store or a rave at the third little pig's house.
Sheldon: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily: Um, OK. I guess.
Amy: I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with him two minutes and he's taking his pants off.
Penny: OK, good night guys.
Emily: Bye.
(Both women together)
Penny, Emily: I hate her.
Howard: He has my mother buying four-ply now. Four-ply! If his tushy is so delicate, why doesn't he just wipe with an angora rabbit?
Sheldon: For starters, they shed and bite.
Howard: I wish Stuart opened his store again. I hate this place too.
Leonard: (Points to Sheldon) Okay, him I understand, because he's an eighty-year old in a fifteen-year-old's T-shirt. You're just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs.
Howard: You're right, I am. You know, I can't even watch Game of Thrones anymore without thinking about my mother asking "Stuart, which one's Thrones?"
Raj: It's true. You're both gorgeous. Kind of says something about the man who could bed you both.
(laughs)
Raj: You get why I've been alone most of my adult life.
Leonard: Did you hear about this research on gene manipulation that's trying to create some sort of dinosaur-like chicken?
Sheldon: I think that sounds wonderful.
Howard: What? You're afraid of both dinosaurs and birds.
Sheldon: Yes, but you tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't hit the Mesozoic spot.
Penny: I hear you're a dermatologist.
Emily: Uh, yeah. I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon: Oh I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have dengue fever, they still let you take home a lollipop.
Penny: You told Emily we hooked up?
Raj: Um, well. In my defense I tell everyone.
Penny: Why would you say that?
Raj: We were having a conversation about past lovers.
Penny: We weren't lovers. Come on. Everybody knows we didn't sleep together. We got drunk and fooled around. Why couldn't you just leave me out of this?
Amy: You really went your entire life with out anybody saying "I hate you" to your face?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy: I'd say it now, but look at those cheekbones.
Sheldon: I guess that English study was right. One friend down. I wonder who's the next to go?
Raj: You! You are! It's you!
Sheldon: Nah, you love me.
Penny: I don't know what Emily's so upset about anyway. Even if I'd slept with him, so what? Everybody has a past.
Amy: Um.
(Clears throat)
Penny: Almost everybody has a past.
Sheldon: I'd like your honest opinion on something.
Amy: Of course.
Sheldon: Before I start, I need you to know that I'm very excited about this, and anything you say that isn't enthusiastically supportive will throw our entire relationship into question. So... keep an open mind.
Amy: I'm feeling a little backed into a corner, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Perfect.
Sheldon: Oh, if there's anything that really gets my goat it's those daggum insurance companies.
Leonard: Why, because they won't get off your lawn?
Sheldon: So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?
Leonard: Hmm, kids buy comic books. It would be great to figure out a way to get more kids in the store.
Howard: You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.
Raj: Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up?
Sheldon: Nice! Like at schools and parks.
Howard: Toy stores, puppet shows.
Leonard: Hold on. So your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: And are you going to use candy to lure them in?
Raj: We are now!
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry. Did we get off on the wrong foot? Because since like the other night, I kind of feel like you might have a problem with me.
Emily: No, it's fine.
Penny: Are you sure because it doesn't feel fine.
Emily: Are you sure you want to talk about this? Okay. If you really want to talk about this, I do have a problem.
Penny: Oh my God. Tell me, what did I do?
Emily: Look it's nothing. It's just... Raj told me a while back you two hooked up.
Penny: What? Oh why would he say that?
Emily: Did it not happen?
Penny: Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a hook-up.
Emily: Did you kiss?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily: We're you naked?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily: So it was a hook-up.
Penny: No.
(pause)
Penny: Yeah.
Penny: Leonard gave me this briefcase. He used to carry it around in high school. You can still see the dent where they whacked him with it.
Penny: How? You can't force somebody to like you.
Amy: What if you just hang around and act like her friend until you wear her down? I mean, next thing you know, you're in her house, you're eating her food and drinking her wine.
Amy: Can you see how a grown man, an accomplished scientist, who invests in a store that sells picture books about flying men in colorful underwear might be wasting both his financial and intellectual resources?
Sheldon: No.
Amy: Then I think it's a terrific idea.
Sheldon: Great. Wait until you hear about our van.
Leonard: I've seen you two sit next to each other doing different things.
Sheldon: It's called parallel play.
Leonard: Toddlers do that.
Sheldon: Not as well as we do.
Raj: So you never played baseball as a kid, not even Little League?
Howard: I was going to, but the day of tryouts, I found my dad's Playboy collection. Threw my arm out.
Sheldon: The ranking of relationships in our circle by quality is: me and Amy, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his girlfriend, Penny and Chardonnay, Penny and you.
Leonard: There isn't any ranking and if there were, we wouldn't be at the bottom.
Penny: Yeah, and actually I drink Sauvignon Blanc.
Leonard: That's the part you have a problem with?
Penny: Relax.
Amy: There they go fighting again. You'd never hear her talk that way to Sauvignon Blanc.
Amy: How about this? You stay for the game, I'll buy you some cotton candy and a bobblehead.
Sheldon: Bobblehead of whom?
Amy: Does it matter?
Sheldon: Not as long as it bobbles.
Raj: You suck, Wolowitz!
Howard: What the hell was that?
Raj: I'm heckling you. It's a beloved baseball tradition.
Sheldon: He's right. And considering you're still waiting to be called for a game you played in fifth grade, you probably do suck.
Sheldon: Did you enjoy my lecture?
Amy: No, and neither did our waiter.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but if you're going to serve Cornish game hen, you should either know all about the history of Cornwall, or be prepared to learn it. You can't argue with that.
Amy: I know, I saw a poor, sad man trying to and failing.
Bernadette: I could give you a few pointers. I played softball.
Howard: That would be great.
Bernadette: And while you're at it, maybe we can work on butching up your run.
Howard: What's wrong with the way I run?
Bernadette: Oh, nothing.
(Mimes a girly run as she exits)
Leonard: He's practicing.
Penny: For what?
Howard: The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?
Penny: What, you? Really?
Howard: Well, a lot of people who weren't available, but then me!
Amy: So, when do you guys plan on getting married?
Penny: Uh, we're not sure, but I want to wait long enough to prove to my mother I'm not pregnant.
Mike Massimino: Hey Fruit Loops, what's up?
Howard: Hey Mike, listen, NASA asked me to throw out the first pitch at an Angels game. You got any advice?
Mike Massimino: Yeah. Don't do it. What else you up to?
Howard: Why shouldn't I do it?
Mike Massimino: There's no upside. If you do well, no one cares. And if you screw up, you're an idiot on YouTube forever.
Sheldon: Okay, new plan: we go to Disneyland, play hide-and-seek on Tom Sawyer's Island, and come back in time for the end of the pitch.
Howard: Even professional pitchers need a rubdown after the game.
Bernadette: If you were throwing an actual ball. You were throwing air at a TV.
Howard: For your information, I also gave Leonard one hell of a high five.
Leonard: A relationship is not something you can quantify.
Sheldon: Everything is quantifiable. This french fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly enough, a four.
Leonard: How ridiculous is he?
Penny: A hundred.
Raj: You suck, Wolowitz!
Sheldon: He makes a valid point!
Raj: I like how they put a waterfall on centerfield. It really ties everything together.
Penny: Look at you talking sports.
Sheldon: The correct animal for inter-species super soldier is koala. You would wind up with an army so cute, it couldn't be attacked.
Leonard: Why are you going to so much trouble to prove you're smarter than Wolowitz?
Sheldon: Oh, it's no trouble. It's actually a pleasure.
Bernadette: Okay, what are the potential side effects of our erectile dysfunction drug?
Penny: Headaches, dizziness, and nausea.
Bernadette: Yes.
Penny: Those are also the side effects of having a 75-year-old man with an erection climb on top of you.
Howard: Engineers are just as smart as physicists.
Sheldon: (offended gasp) You take that back!
Howard: Which Archimedean solid has 20 regular triangular faces, 30 square faces, 12 pentagonal faces, 60 vertices and 120 edges?
Leonard, Sheldon, Raj: The Rhombicosidodecahedron!
Sheldon: You just shot your spit in my mouth!
Howard: Is that going to be on the test? Because I don't think I can do it again.
Sheldon: (Knock knock knock) Mrs. Davis?
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Guess who?
Janine Davis: Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: (Knock knock knock) That's right. Good job.
Penny: I don't have any experience in sales... unless you count the bikini car wash I did in high school, but you already made me take that off my resume.
Bernadette: This job is a lot like being a waitress. Except instead of pushing the fish tacos because they're about to go bad, you'll be pushing our antidepressants before the FDA finds out they may cause rectal bleeding.
Penny: They do?
Bernadette: Maybe. Like our lawyers say, "The world is full of things that can cause a rectum to bleed."
Howard: I just want to pop and make sure that Ma's OK.
Raj: I thought Stuart was looking after her.
Howard: He was, but now that her cast is off, he moved out. Honestly, I'm kid of glad. It was getting a little weird.
Raj: How so?
Howard: I don't know, they were... chummy.
Raj: Like us?
Howard: No, not like us. Creepy chummy, like you and your dog.
Sheldon: Any leads on who stole my things, Officer Hernandez?
Officer Hernandez: Not yet.
Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the possible, whatever is left, however improbable, must be the truth. Have you tried that?
Officer Hernandez: No.
Sheldon: There are hundreds of books titled Sherlock Holmes. There are no books titled Officer Hernandez.
Sheldon: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos do the trick.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh. Leonard. Oh. I'm so happy to see you.
Amy: Are you okay?
Sheldon: Oh. I'm fine. Why did you come?
Amy: What do you mean why did I come? You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don't you have anything to say besides, "Why did you come?"
Sheldon: I do, but... I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
Amy: Fine. Whisper it.
Sheldon: Shotgun!
Penny: Wanna do yoga with me?
Leonard: Let me have some coffee first, so I can have the strength to tell you how much I don't want to do that.
Sheldon: I feel renewed. I feel strong enough to take any new changes that come my way.
Penny: Hey, you're back!
Sheldon: You changed your hair. Your hair is different. I can't take this. I'm out.
Don: So, why do you think you'd make a good pharmaceutical sales rep?
Penny: Well, I'm a people person. People like me. Some of my favorite people are people. I feel like I'm saying "people" a lot. People. People. People. Pe... OK, I'm done.
Don: You sure?
Penny: People. Yea.
Sheldon: Excuse me. Is it at all possible that you're knitting a pair of pants?
Don: Wait, wait, you're scared of Bernadette?
Penny: Yeah, kind a.
Don: I thought it was just me! Everyone thinks she's so nice with that squeaky little voice.
Leonard: Thanks for coming with me. It would have been a lonely six hour drive by myself.
Amy: No problem. And I'm not angry at all that my boyfriend was in trouble and called you instead of me. I LOVE that!
Leonard: Gonna be a long six hours.
Bernadette: Anyway I talked you up to Don. He's the guy who'll be interviewing you.
Penny: Oh, I really appreciate this. I just hope I'm not in over my head.
Bernadette: You'll be fine. Just be yourself.
Penny: I wish I felt more confident.
Bernadette: I wouldn't put you up for this job if I didn't think you could handle it.
Penny: Oh thank you, but maybe I should cancel.
Bernadette: It's too late to cancel. You're going.
Penny: But I don't know anything about pharmaceuticals.
Bernadette: Oh, I understand. You want something you're really good at. I know. Why don't I get you a job at the "sitting around all day wearing yoga pants" factory?
Penny: They're comfortable.
Raj: Thanks for giving me a ride.
Howard: No problem. What happened to your car?
Raj: I'm having the window tints removed. Now that I have a girlfriend, I want all the haters to see.
Howard: What haters? No one pays attention to you.
Raj: Wow. How's that Haterade taste, bro?
Leonard: Okay. Now that everyone's here, Penny and I have some big news.
Penny: We're engaged!
Raj: Oh my goodness! And I thought me having sex with Emily was going to be the big news.
(Bernadette, Amy and Howard hug Raj)
Leonard: Hey, hey. What the hell?
Bernadette: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You're right!
(Penny and Leonard join the group hug)
Leonard: How's your mom holding up?
Howard: She's doing okay. but we just lost another nurse.
Amy: How many is that now?
Howard: Two. And I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.
Bernadette: She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon: So, who's watching her now?
Howard: A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.
Bernadette: (about Howard's mother) We have jobs; we can't babysit her twenty-four hours a day.
Howard: If we use our vacation time?
Bernadette: I wanted to go to Hawaii, not hell.
Penny: (She was offered the job to care for Howard's mother; next scene, she's storming out of the house) Nope! You can keep your money!
Bernadette: (after the door closes) I've ridden a bull longer than that.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it's simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Leonard: Come on. You know you're overreacting.
Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: It might be good for him.
Leonard: You know he can't take a trip like this by himself.
Penny: He's a grown man.
Leonard: No, he looks like a grown man. You've seen "Freaky Friday"; sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
Penny: Leonard, we can't protect him forever.
Leonard: I know, but...
Penny: He'll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon: Good Lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.
Penny: Seriously, let him go.
Leonard: Sheldon, if you really need to do this I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: Okay. Good luck.
Penny: Be safe and call us.
(Kisses him)
Sheldon: I will.
Leonard: Bye, buddy.
(he starts to leave)
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I'm gonna miss you.
Sheldon: Of course you are.
Leonard: He just made that easier.
Amy: Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? O-okay, bye.
Leonard: He's okay?
Amy: Actually sounds like he's doing pretty well.
Penny: I really think this is going to be for the best.
Leonard: Me too. And he was able to take a sabbatical...
Amy: (Hitting Leonard with a cushion) How could you let him go?
Howard: Hang on, I know a place you can stay and earn some money at the same time.
Stuart: Great!
Howard: I just have to warn you it'll involve humiliation, degradation, and verbal abuse.
Stuart: So, what's the catch?
Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon: Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard: Seriously? You don't even have change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.
Stuart: I don't mean to be rude, Sheldon, but, uh, my life is kind of falling apart right now.
Sheldon: Your life? The university is making me do string theory. And my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I'm sad is damp and smells funny.
Amy: This might work out for the best. I mean, you're always complaining what a terrible roommate Leonard is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you're not there.
Sheldon: Ugh. It's like walking into the Amazon. And not the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with bird and snakes.
Amy: You hate the sound of all those keys on this key chain.
Sheldon: Four keys! I mean, who does he think he is, a warden?
Amy: See, maybe you'll love living alone.
Sheldon: I don't know. Perhaps.
Amy: And if it turns out you don't... you and I could live together.
Sheldon: You and... Oh, sure. While we're at it why don't we get engaged, too. Why don't get a little house, start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together. Do you hear yourself, woman?
Amy: Sheldon, it was just a thought.
Sheldon: No, here's a thought. You're not moving in, Leonard's not moving out. Everything stays exactly the way it is.
Howard: Maybe it's time we release Ma back into the sea.
Leonard: So listen. There was something I was hoping to float past you. Now that Penny and I are engaged I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
Sheldon: Of course. She has spent many nights here and you're worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
Leonard: I'm not.
Sheldon: Good. Because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg countless men would perish.
Leonard: Actually this is about where she and I are going to live.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, well. We might want to live together.
Sheldon: Oh yeah, well. I have already given this some thought, and I'm willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now; obviously not when she's made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.
Leonard: That's very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with... not you.
Sheldon: I don't understand. How can we all live together if I'm not there?
Leonard: Look, I know this is, this is a change, and that sounds scary...
Sheldon: Where are you going to go?
Leonard: Well, I don't know. We-we just started to think about this. Maybe I'll move in with Penny or maybe she and I'll take this place and you can move across the hall.
Sheldon: Ah wai- Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
Leonard: No, I did not.
Sheldon: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then I'm all out of guesses. What? Me. Move across the hall. Why would even suggest such a thing?
Leonard: Because I love Penny and I want to give her the life she deserves.
Sheldon: I see. You're putting your future bride's happiness above mine.
Leonard: Well, yeah!
Sheldon: Wow.
Bernadette: Sorry I'm late. Our leaf-blower broke, so I had to hand-dry my mother-in-law.
Leonard: So, should we talk about setting a date?
Penny: Well, I'd like to pick one that works with my brother's schedule.
Leonard: Okay. And when would that be?
Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now depending on good behaviour.
Beverly Hofstadter: Let me save you all of your hemming and hawing. Sheldon already told me that you and Penny are engaged.
Leonard: I hate that you talk to him more than you talk to me.
Beverly Hofstadter: Would you like for you and me to talk more?
Leonard: You know what? It's probably fine.
Beverly Hofstadter: In any event, while I've had my misgivings about... Penny... Sheldon spoke very fondly of her, and if she is good enough for him, then she's good enough for me.
Leonard: I'm your son. What about the fact that she's good enough for me?
Beverly Hofstadter: Sure.
Leonard: Thanks, Mom.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your Mother approved of your life choices?
Leonard: Yes, it would.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yeah, well, you should work on that.
Howard: Don't take this the wrong way, but did you do this for the insurance money?
Stuart: No. God, you sound like the police, the firemen, my parents, my therapist and the insurance company.
Penny: No, Mom. It's the same guy I've been going out with for the last two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it's complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right. Tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. Right. Bye.
Stuart: (a lamp and a piece of the ceiling falls to the floor, almost hitting Stuart) That could have killed me!
Stuart: Can't catch a break.
Leonard: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon: Hello.
Leonard: You okay?
Sheldon: I just got called into President Siebert's office. The university won't let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They're forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: He said it's why they hired me, i-it's what my grant was designated for and that everybody has to do things they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do even though he didn't want to do which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard: That's a rude thing to say... out loud.
Sheldon: I saw you make this Strawberry Quik with syrup, and you're supposed to use the powder.
Amy: It tastes the same.
Sheldon: No! The syrup tastes better, and I don't like it!
Kenneth: And action.
Wil Wheaton: Please don't shut me out.
Penny: Go away. Just go away.
Wil Wheaton: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla?
Wil Wheaton: I was trying to save your life.
Penny: Life? What life? Look at me I'm a monster! And now I have blood on my hands or paws. I don't know.
Wil Wheaton: You can't give up. I love you.
Penny: I love you too. But I'm afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you.
(Ape screaming at him)
Kenneth: And cut. All right. All right, let's set up for the next scene.
Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
Kenneth: Let's just move on. No one cares.
Penny: It's easy for you to say. You used to be famous.
Wil Wheaton: Penny, it's not about being famous, it's about the art, it's about the passion you have for our craft.
(Gets a text message on phone)
Wil Wheaton: I have an audition for Sharknado 2.
(Gets up to leave)
Wil Wheaton: When this is over, I'll be back to being depressed.
Howard: The doctor says you need to get exercise!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I get plenty of exercise!
Howard: Crushing my will to live isn't exercise!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I told you this thing would kill me!
Sheldon: I know let's go see the new Spiderman movie.
Amy: Sheldon, we're talking about your friend's mother. She got hurt.
Sheldon: I thought that subject had run its course so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy.
Sheldon: Well, good night.
Raj: Don't send me home. I can't be alone right now.
Sheldon: That's your problem. You can't be alone.
Bernadette: You think we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard: You mean a forklift?
Raj: So you have tattoos?
Emily: Yeah.
Raj: I don't. I have a hole in my belly button that may or may not have been a piercing.
Emily: That's cool.
Raj: It's a piercing. So how many tattoos?
Emily: One on my shoulder, one not on my shoulder and one REALLY not on my shoulder.
Raj: It's been a long time since I've seen a girl's "really not my shoulder".
Emily: Well, how about you show me your piercing and I show you my tattoos?
(Kiss)
Raj: But before I take my shirt off I need like ten minutes to do some crunches.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. I don't have all the ingredients to make chai tea.
Raj: You don't have to make me anything.
Sheldon: No, I do. You're upset about Emily and you're Indian. I need to make you chai tea. I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. You happen to have any on you?
Raj: Sorry, I left them in my turban.
Wil Wheaton: If you fire her, you're gonna have to fire me too.
(Cut to Wil, Penny and Leonard at a bar)
Wil Wheaton: Wow, that went bad very quickly.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I'm hungry again!
Howard: It's like the world's fattest cuckoo clock.
Leonard: You know I want to marry you, but you're only doing this because you got fired and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could ever happen to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Leonard: Then what do you need?
Penny: You, you stupid Pop Tart!
Leonard: Oh. Then I guess I'm in.
Penny: Really? You guess you're in?
Leonard: Not like "I guess I'm in:" Like "I guess... I'm IN!"
Penny: Okay. Cool.
Leonard: So is that it? Are we engaged?
Penny: Yeah, I think so.
Leonard: All right.
Penny: What's wrong?
Leonard: I'm not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
Leonard: Oh, I know. This might help.
(Takes out a ring from his wallet)
Penny: Where did you get a ring?
Leonard: I've... had it for a couple of years, not important.
(Gets on knee)
Leonard: Penny, will you marry...
Penny: Oh, my God. Yes.
Leonard: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger.
Penny: I need to start making some smart decisions.
Leonard: With your career?
Penny: With my life.
Leonard: Like what?
Penny: I don't know.
(pause)
Penny: We could get married.
Leonard: Come on, be serious.
Penny: I am.
Leonard: Why? Because I'm a smart decision?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard: So I'm like a bran muffin.
Penny: Well, no. That's not what I'm saying.
Leonard: No, it's exactly what you're saying. I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you.
Penny: What does it matter? The point is I'm choosing you.
Leonard: Well, it matters a lot. I don't want to be a bran muffin. I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop Tart. Something you're excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
Leonard: No, no, no. It's too late. I'm your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.
Raj: Aren't you going to get 3-D glasses?
Sheldon: I brought my own. No sense risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
Raj: Is that a thing?
Sheldon: Until they make a nose condom, I'm not going to find out.
Penny: There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
Leonard: I don't know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in "Schindler's List" is tough to beat.
Sheldon: It's funny, because a killer gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual orientation would be out of place in a movie about the Holocaust.
Leonard: It only gets funnier when you explain it.
Sheldon: I know.
Penny: You know, the only thing worse than being in a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is being fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.
Penny: (about Star Wars Day) So, when is it?
Leonard: Well, it's not May the 5th, and it's not May the 3rd... it's May the 4th.
Sheldon: Get it?
Raj: May the fourth be with you?
Sheldon: When Obi Wan came to Luke on this very spot he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what have you got for me?
Arthur Jeffries: Um, always get a pre-nup.
Sheldon: That's it? I thought there would be more of a reason why you are here.
Arthur Jeffries: Why do you think I'm here?
Sheldon: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.
Arthur Jeffries: Is this the first time you lost someone close to you?
Sheldon: Oh no, no. I already had to say good-bye to eleven Dr. Who's.
Arthur Jeffries: Yeah, I out lived a few of my doctors, too.
Sheldon: Of course my grandfather died when I was five and my father died when I was fourteen.
Arthur Jeffries: I'm sorry about that.
Sheldon: And now you're gone too. It's like all the men I've looked up to have gone away.
Arthur Jeffries: You know it's all right to be sad about it, but just make sure appreciate those who are still there for you.
Sheldon: But I do appreciate them.
Arthur Jeffries: Well then what am I doing in the swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them Sheldon.
Raj: You know, I heard this way of watching the movies called the Machete Order, where you watch Episodes IV and V, then skip Episode I, watch II and III as a flashback, and then finish with VI.
Howard: Okay, so you lose most of Jar Jar, all of the trade route talk and the boring Senate hearings, which is like watching C-SPAN with monsters.
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Comforting you?
Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren't.
Bernadette: This is fun. You don't see many spherical cakes.
(the cake rolls off the table and onto the floor)
Amy: I wonder why that is?
Sheldon: I'm not going to the funeral... All those people blowing their noses. You can't tell the sick from the sad. I'll be at home celebrating Star Wars Day, as planned.
Amy: Are you sure you don't want to go say good-bye?
Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.
Amy: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you've seen hundreds of times isn't?
Sheldon: If we were in a physical relationship, you just lost sex tonight.
Howard: You sure, not even coffee? We have R2-Decaf, maybe a nice caf? au Leia
Arthur Jeffries: Here's a fun fact: after owls eat, they spit out the parts of their food that they can't digest, in the form of a pellet. Isn't that a hoot? We'll be right back after I fire my writers.
Amy: Arthur passing away was harder on Sheldon than he's ready to admit. I'm hoping this will cheer him up.
Bernadette: Me too. Although it might have been thoughtless of us to make a Death Star cake.
Amy: No, it combines two of Sheldon's favorite things. Chocolate chips and the ability of destroying a planet at the push of a button.
Bernadette: Well, anyway, it'll be a nice surprise for the boys. And Howie doesn't think I take his interests seriously, so hopefully this will keep him fooled for a while.
Howard: Are you upset or just rebooting?
Howard: Some of the physical comedy of Jar-Jar is tough to watch.
Leonard: At least they toned him down in the second one.
Penny: Yeah, he is pretty stupid.
Raj: Hey, we can say it. You can't.
Sheldon: Arthur. I thought you were dead.
Arthur Jeffries: I am. It's fantastic. I mean this is the longest I've gone without running into a men's room in years.
Sheldon: Why are you here?
Arthur Jeffries: I don't know. I was hoping I was going to haunt my ex-wife.
Sheldon: I know why. You've come to me because you're my Obi Wan.
Arthur Jeffries: I'm not... I'm not familiar with that... Is that an internet?
Sheldon: Wow. You're dead so I'm gonna let that slide. Obi Wan Kenobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.
Arthur Jeffries: Well, that clears that up.
Sheldon: You must be here to give me advice.
Arthur Jeffries: (Appears in Obi Wan Kenobi Jedi robes) Well this... this is weird. Most of my robes open in the back.
Sheldon: Those are your Jedi robes.
Arthur Jeffries: Oh wait... what? What... what is this?
(Activates light saber)
Sheldon: Oh, be careful with that!
Arthur Jeffries: Whoa. Whoa. Oh, neato.
(Waves light saber around)
Arthur Jeffries: I'm uh. I'm going to need a band-aid.
Sheldon: Well why do I need you now?
Arthur Jeffries: Well as near as I can tell you fell asleep watching Star Wars and now you're dreaming you're watching Star Wars.
Sheldon: So?
Arthur Jeffries: Don't you see a problem there? I mean how you're spending your limited time on Earth.
Sheldon: Not at all.
Arthur Jeffries: OK. Good luck to you.
Leonard: On the one hand if I say yes.
Penny: It isn't funny anymore. Just say no so we're done with this. Will you marry me or not?
Leonard: Ooo. Interesting. Did you propose to me again?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Really, because I just hear "will you marry me?" That's two proposals in one day. Sounds like someone wants to spend of their life telling people how to spell the name "Hofstadter".
Penny: You know what? Fine. Do whatever you want.
Leonard: Hey, Penny, Don't get upset. Here. I love you, but no. I will not marry you.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Now about that second proposal. On the one hand...
Sheldon: When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?
Penny: No, he blew up the Death Star! Why do I even know this?
Leonard: So, that was your first funeral. How was it?
Penny: I don't mean to complain, but it was a bit of a bummer.
Leonard: Well, when I die you can rent a bounce house.
Penny: (Trying to cry at Jeffries' funeral) No, I'm all dried up. You're a big crybaby, you start.
Leonard: I'm not a crybaby.
Penny: Toy Story 3?
Leonard: The toys were holding hands in a furnace!
Sheldon: I'm working on a Star Wars Day schedule. I have a window built in after Phantom Menace for complaining, but I'm worried an hour won't be enough.
Bernadette: I got into science because I was the smallest kid in school so I thought if I became a scientist I can invent a formula that can make me taller.
Amy: That's cute.
Bernadette: Yeah. I thought it was working for a while, but then I just found out my brother was lowering the pencil marks on the door frame. How about you?
Amy: I guess it must have begun back when I was in the girl sprouts.
Bernadette: Girl sprouts?
Amy: My mom made it up as an alternative to the Girl Scouts. She didn't want me selling cookies on some street corner like a whore.
Bernadette: How did that get you into science?
Bernadette: Oh, I went to the library to check out a book on biology to see what whores did.
Arthur Jeffries: Where are we?
Sheldon: This is the swamp land of Degobah. It's where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.
Arthur Jeffries: Oh, too bad. I thought it was Florida.
Leonard: I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you.
Penny: Well, that just wasn't the right time.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: And this is also not the right time to propose.
Leonard: What?
Penny: I know that face; that's your propose face.
Leonard: I was not going to propose. It's already two to one.
Penny: What two to one?
Leonard: I proposed twice, you proposed once. It's two to one.
Penny: Oh my God. It's not a contest.
Leonard: I don't know what you're upset about. I'm the one who is losing.
Penny: Fine. Would you feel better if I proposed and you could turn me down again?
Leonard: I think I would.
Penny: OK, Leonard. Will you marry me?
Leonard: Hm.
Penny: No, don't you dare. You reject me right now and tie things up.
Leonard: It's should a big decision I don't want to have any regrets.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, since Star Wars' Day is rapidly approaching we should finalize our plans.
Penny: That's a real thing? What is it? Star Wars' Christmas?
Howard: No, don't be ridiculous. That's Wookie Life Day.
Leonard: She got Sheldon to go to a psychic with her.
Amy: Psychic? He considers them not just mumbo jumbo, but extra jumbo mumbo jumbo.
Penny: Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these
(fortune cookies)
Penny: .
Sheldon: Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter if you're in a pinch.
Sheldon: Alright, alright, I'll shake the brain bush one more time, see what falls out.
Sheldon: Uh...
Penny: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I don't understand my food. It's Chinese noodles, Korean barbecue, and a taco.
Penny: It's fusion.
Sheldon: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.
Penny: So, we're about to shoot this scene in a movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I ask the director why and he says it's important for the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.
Penny: Oh, and there's not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.
Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money.
Sheldon: Amy's sick.
Leonard: Aw, what's wrong with her?
Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.
Leonard: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: If you were refering to her illness, you should have asked "What ails her?"
Leonard: What ails her?
Sheldon: Oh, who knows.
Penny: (Sees Amy and Bernadette at a cafe) Son of a bitch! Bernadette isn't working late!
Sheldon: And Amy doesn't look sick.
Penny: Why would they lie to us?
Sheldon: I don't know.
(Knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Amy and Bernadette.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Amy and Bernadette.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Amy and Bernadette. Why would you lie to us?
Raj: I was thinking we could watch a DVD.
Howard: Well, my mother doesn't have a lot of choices. Unless you want to watch a video of her colonoscopy. Spoiler alert: twenty minutes in, they find a prune pit.
Sheldon: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I'd just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means again, no insult intended, that you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle and your livelihood is depended upon the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.
Penny: Sheldon, ask your question.
Sheldon: OK, I just did. What was it?
Penny: Oh, for God sakes. Look he's a physicist who trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.
Sheldon: For your information I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.
Penny: I can answer that one. I'll be bored.
Ms. Davora: All right. Why don't we begin? Your spirit guide is telling me that there's a woman in your life that you're having problems with.
Sheldon: That's an easy guess. I'm a clearly annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Ms. Davora: I know. You clearly are. But I'm seeing a specific woman that you're in a romantic relationship with.
Penny: Oh, oh. Here we go.
Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.
Ms. Davora: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon, Penny: Ha. The opposite. She's a neurobiologist, I'm a theoretical physicist. My spirit guide can go suck an egg.
Ms. Davora: They're telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.
Penny: Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?
Ms. Davora: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does all his other pursuits will come into focus.
Penny: Sheldon, did you hear that? Amy is the key to your happiness.
Ms. Davora: Exactly. Personally and professionally everything will fall into place once you commit to her.
Sheldon: You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it is truly deserved. This is malarkey.
Penny: Wow. You really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the M word before.
Raj: Here we go. 'House of 1000 Corpses'.
Emily: Now, just so you know, I was a nanny for three years, so if you get scared I can totally change your diaper.
Raj: Actually, I have to tell you something. These kind of movies really aren't my thing, so... last night I watched it, just to see what I was getting myself into.
Emily: Okay...
Raj: And I have to be honest; I thought it was disturbing and weird. And it made me wonder what it says about someone who enjoys it.
Emily: I wonder that too.
Raj: Then, why do you watch these things?
Emily: Can I tell you something without you judging me?
Raj: Sure.
Emily: They kinda turn me on.
Raj: And play.
Sheldon: So, we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Penny: Yup.
Sheldon: Great. See, this is how Anything-Can-Happen Thursday turns into It-Won't-Stop-Coming-Up Friday.
Leonard: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?
Sheldon: Fusion *and* Asians? I'm trying not to think about science.
Sheldon: Hello. I didn't expect you this evening.
Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I... wanted to make it up to you.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that?
(Amy drops her coat to the floor, showing she is wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit)
Sheldon: Now, unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.
Amy: I'm sorry. I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.
Bernadette: I kinda wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you were making this movie.
Amy: None of that means we don't love you.
Penny, Leonard: I don't complain that much about the movie, have I?
Leonard: I also love you.
Raj: (pauses movie) Okay, so in the last twenty minutes we've seen a crazy woman kiss a fetus in a jar, a man cut in half and sewn to a fish...
Howard: The dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother. On the plus side, I don't think she saw the film.
Raj: Why does Emily like this stuff? Do you think there's something psychologically wrong with her?
Howard: What difference does it make?
Raj: What do you mean?
Howard: Oh come on, she could have a freezer full of ex-boyfriend's body parts and you'd still go out with her.
Raj: I do like that the ex-boyfriend's out of the picture.
Penny: (Reads her fortune cookie) "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." That's a good one.
Sheldon: No, it's not. Turn to you for guidance and wisdom? That cookie is clearly mocking you. You'd never get that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.
Penny: Since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide.
(Gives Sheldon a cookie)
Penny: Read.
Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money. Read.
Sheldon: (Reads) "Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you."
Penny: Nope, try again.
Bernadette: I gotta go. Penny ratted me out.
(to Howard)
Bernadette: FYI she's getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.
Amy: I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I going to make it up to him?
Bernadette: I'll tell you what I'd do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a Catholic school girl is going to work with Sheldon.
(Amy stares off into the distance)
Leonard: He'd probably give you homework.
Penny: Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend?
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?
Sheldon: If I want to waste my time on nonsense, I follow Leonard on Instagram.
Raj: You're a good friend. I owe you one.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Help me get out of the tub!
(Howard looks at Raj)
Raj: Not that one.
Sheldon: (to the psychic) You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it's *truly* deserved. This is malarkey.
(he storms out)
Penny: Wow, you really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the 'M' word before.
Raj: Why can't I be in a relationship with a girl who likes Sound of Music?
Howard: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes Sound of Music.
Sheldon: There's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo.
Amy: Once in a while, I get a little jealous of how close Penny and Sheldon are... I mean, not in a romantic way. It's just, she really has some sort of connection with him.
Leonard: Well... Well, they've known each other a long time, and Penny grew up around horses, so she knows how to approach him without making him skittish.
Sheldon: What can we do that's fun?
Leonard: What can we do that's different?
Penny: What can we do that's free?
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon: It's me again. I gave up string theory. You should give up black holes and we could totally solve crimes together.
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon: You know what's great? Geology! Look at this geode! That's fun to say. Gee-ode. Gee-ode.
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon: Gee-ode. Gee-ode. I kiss girls now.
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon: Hey, guess who I am? Beep-bop-boop-bop! I'm you! Get it?
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon: Are you mad at me? Oh, no! You're mad at me! I'm so sorry! Beep-bop-boop-bop!
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon: Thiospinel sulfide. Thiospinel sulfide. That's even more fun to say than gee-ode. Hey, did you see the Lego Movie?
Stephen Hawking: What a jackass.
Emily: All my friends love this story. They call you Clogzilla.
Raj: (laughs) Get it? Because you clogged up her bathroom like a radioactive monster.
Sheldon: Why do we have a Geology book? Leonard, did you throw a children's party while I was in Texas?
Penny: OK, I get it. Not all the jibber jabber in the middle, but I know what it's like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.
Sheldon: You mean your acting career.
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your relationship with Leonard.
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Your failed attempt to go back to college.
Penny: NO! I'm saying you and string theory sound like a relationship and I know what it's like to be in one and realize it's never going to turn out the way you want.
Sheldon: I said Leonard. You said no.
Penny: I'm talking about other guys.
Sheldon: OK. Well. What do you do?
Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know, break it off, shake hands, walk away.
Leonard: (Penny is about to give Sheldon a haircut) Are you sure you want to do this?
Sheldon: The magazine article suggests that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
Leonard: What about your old look? Well groomed ventriloquist doll.
Penny: (moving Sheldon's arm as if he's a ventriloquist's dummy) Oh, my God. I do look like that!
Sheldon: Oh, stop it!
Penny: So how do you want me to cut it?
Sheldon: Oh, how 'bout Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?
Leonard: So, business in the front, science in the back!
Bernadette: So Emily. Why did you decide to specialize in dermatology?
Emily: I like cutting people with knives, and all the other jobs where you get to do that are illegal.
Bernadette: You're kidding, right?
Raj: She's scary, but it's a cute scary.
Sheldon: But now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.
Howard: I just hope he doesn't blow it.
Bernadette: Why would you say that?
Howard: Because he's Raj, that's his thing. Beckham can bend it, Ralph can wreck it, Raj can blow it.
Sheldon: You know, I didn't seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.
Amy: How does that happen?
Sheldon: A bully chased me through the school library and hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.
Sheldon: It suggests that I set these on fire, but the smell of burning books reminds me of church picnics in East Texas.
Howard: Oh crap, I know that girl.
Bernadette: How?
Howard: In a bad way, very bad. Whatever you hear tonight, just remember I love you.
Leonard: (In the morning Sheldon walks in with a GEOLOGY book) How you feeling?
Sheldon: Not so good.
Leonard: Are you going to introduce me to your friend?
Sheldon: It's not my friend. Nothing happened.
Leonard: I don't know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.
Sheldon: Oh dear lord. Where's Amy?
Leonard: After she put you to bed, she went home.
Sheldon: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh no.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.
Sheldon: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band - of course I'd be the dreamy one and the smart one.
Kripke: ...there actuawwy was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.
Sheldon: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?
Kripke: No, but they did find evidence that you'll bewieve
(laughing)
Kripke: anything.
Sheldon: Why would you do that? You're a string theorist as well.
Kripke: Incowwect; I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I'm going to pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads.
Raj: If we're really going to do a double date, we need to go over some ground rules about Emily.
Howard: Like when it turns out she's made of rubber, I don't say anything?
Raj: She's very real.
Howard: That's what it says on the box. Right next to "dishwasher safe".
Leonard: What about loop quantum gravity?
Sheldon: (High-pitched voice) Ooh, Duchess, look at me! My quantum gravity is positively loopy!
Penny: Who's the duchess?
Leonard: One of the people that lives in his head.
Penny: What's wrong with geology?
Sheldon: Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.
Sheldon: Penny pointed out that what I am going through is essentially a breakup. And according to Cosmopolitan magazine, one of the most effective techniques for moving on is to get rid of all reminders of the relationship.
Howard: You're reading Cosmo?
Sheldon: Yes. As it turns out, there is an article on how to get over a breakup in literally every issue.
Howard: Well, turns out I had already met the girl Raj is seeing, when I did a number on her bathroom. And that number was two.
Penny: Hey, you're up early.
Sheldon: I couldn't sleep.
Penny: I told you those Walking Dead pillow cases were a bad idea.
Leonard: Hey, how is dating two women going?
Raj: Um, kind of hit a bump. When I was honest and told Emily she wasn't the only person I was seeing, it went great. So, I tried the same thing with Lucy.
Howard: And?
Raj: She had mixed feelings. But when I said, "Emily was cool with it. Emily's the best. Why can't you be more like Emily?", those feelings became less mixed.
Leonard: I got to tell you the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discovery the more excited I get.
Raj: I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.
Howard: Only without the sex.
Sheldon: (knock-knock-knock) Empty room.
Sheldon: (knock-knock-knock) Empty room.
Sheldon: (knock-knock-knock) Empty room. If somebody says, "Come in", I'm gonna freak out!
Leonard: Have you considered studying standard model physics?
Sheldon: You want me to give up string theory for something that's less advanced? You know, why don't you break up with Penny and start dating a brown bear?
Penny: Like you could get a brown bear.
Leonard: Hey, I've got a good job. I could buy salmon. You don't know.
Amy: What did you do?
Penny: I gave him a new look. It's cute, huh?
Amy: Yeah, it's cute: that's the problem. I don't need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.
Sheldon: She's right. I'm too hot.
Leonard: So, you gonna see her again?
Raj: Yeah, we have plans this weekend. And if it's a clear night, I'm gonna lay some romantic astronomy on her.
Penny: Okay, like what? Show me.
Raj: I can't do that to Leonard. This is some powerful panty-dropping stuff.
Leonard: You have my blessing. Go for it.
Raj: Okay.
(clears throat)
Raj: Penny, two of the brightest stars in the night sky are Altair and Vega. And it is said they were deeply in love but forever separated by the celestial river of the Milky Way... But once a year, on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies in the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for a single night of passion.
Leonard: Does it at least pay well?
Penny: Less than what I was making at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: What does your agent think?
Penny: She's thinking of taking a job at the Cheesecake Factory.
Penny: Okay, look here, page 58. I oil-wrestle an orangutan in a bikini.
Leonard: Just to clarify, which one of you is wearing the bikini?
Penny: Both of us.
Sheldon: Now, the PS4 is more angular and sleak-looking.
Amy: (Sarcastically) No way!
Sheldon: it's true. But the larger size of the XBox One may keep it from overheating.
Amy: Huh, you wouldn't want your gaming system to overheat.
Sheldon: You absolutely would not! And furthermore, the XBox One now comes with a kinect included.
Amy: Included?
Sheldon: Yes, not sold separately. Although the PS4 uses cool new GDDR-5 RAM while the XBox's still using the conventional DDR-3 memory.
Amy: Why would they still be using DDR-3? Are they nuts?
Sheldon: See, that's what I thought! But then they go and throw an ES RAM buffer.
Amy: W-w-wait a second, who's 'they'?
Sheldon: XBox.
Amy: You're kidding!
Sheldon: I am not! This ES RAM buffer should totally bridge the 100 GB per second bandwith gap between the two RAM types!
Amy: This is a nightmare, how will you ever make a decision?
Sheldon: See, I don't know! What should I do?
Amy: Please pass the butter!
Penny: Sometimes I feel like I can control the killer gorilla instinct inside of me, but then I see these bananas and then I want to eat them and then kill people. What am I gonna do?
Leonard: For one thing, I wouldn't eat those bananas.
Amy: How can you possibly make a decision?
Sheldon: I don't know.
Amy: (shouting) Please pass the butter!
Raj: What if one of them asks me what I was up to the night before and I was with the other one. Then what, do I lie?
Bernadette, Howard: Yes.
Bernadette: What do you mean, yes?
Leonard: What do *you* mean, yes?
Bernadette: Were you seeing other women when we started dating?
Howard: No. Were you seeing other men?
Bernadette: No.
Leonard: Were you seeing other men?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Aren't you going to ask me?
Penny: Come on, really?
Bernadette: Does this make me a horrible person?
Amy: No, of course not. It was an accident.
Bernadette: What about that I wish she would die before she read the card?
Amy: Okay, now you're straddling the line.
Raj: Penny, two of the brightest stars in the night sky are Altair and Vega. And it is said they were deeply in love, but forever separated by the celestial river of the Milky Way.
Penny: Oh, that's sad.
Raj: It is. But once a year on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies of the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for single night of passion.
(Penny sighs)
Leonard: Okay, that's enough!
Wil Wheaton: I was in "Stand by Me" when I was a kid, and it was a huge success. The terrible movies I did came after that. Imagine how that feels.
Leonard: Sounds rough.
Wil Wheaton: I'm telling you, this business is brutal. To this day, I hate going on auditions. Okay, I walk in, and I can just feel them thinking, "He was such a cute kid. What happened to him?" And then I don't get the job, and I can never find out why. Honestly, I get so depressed, there are entire weeks that I can't even get out of bed.
Penny: Okay, this was helpful.
Emily: Your friend e-mailed me because you were afraid to so you tracked me down and acted like a lunatic.
Sheldon: I'm employing the work of Dutch researcher Mirjam Tuk, who found that people with full bladders make better decisions.
Leonard: Why did I pee before I decided to move in here?
Sheldon: First, there was PS1, then PS2, followed by PS3, and now PS4. Logical, right? But with the XBox, instead of XBox 2, they had XBox 360. And now there's XBox One... Why one? Probably the amount of time it took to come up with the name.
Amy: How about this. They say if you flip a coin, it shows your true feelings, because you'll either be excited or disappointed by the outcome. So, heads it's an XBox One, tails it's a PS4.
Sheldon: All right.
(flips coin)
Amy: So, what is it?
Sheldon: A quarter.
(Tosses quarter away)
Amy: Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.
Sheldon: Quick poll! PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon: Penny!
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon: Leonard!
Leonard: PS4.
Sheldon: Wolowitz!
Howard: They're both great.
Sheldon: Bernadette!
Bernadette: I like the Wii.
Sheldon: Thanks, grandma.
Emily: That's kind of adorable.
Raj: Are you sure? Because this is the part of the night where I've said something stupid and the girl usually leaves.
Emily: I'm still here.
Raj: Yeah, but now you make me wonder what's wrong with you.
Raj: What was I thinking? I can't handle two women. Zero women, that's my sweet spot.
Leonard: I know it's a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?
Leonard: Oh. How you're audition go?
Penny: I killed it. I was able to cry real tears on the spot.
Leonard: Oh, that's great.
Penny: Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here comes the waterworks.
Sheldon: (Running away) Here comes the waterworks!
Leonard: Aren't you going to ask?
Penny: What? Is this my first day?
Bernadette: Can I get your opinion on something that happened at work today?
Amy: Of course.
Penny: Sure.
Bernadette: Okay, well, I did something that will either make me look like a lovable goof, or a horrible monster, damned to spend eternity in hell.
Amy: Oh, I'm sure it's lovable.
Penny: I'm gonna' go with monster. What do ya' got?
Bernadette: Well, there's this lady in our office who's retiring, and they were passing around one of those big cards for us to sign, but no one told me she was in a horrible car accident over the weekend, and what I was signing was not a retirement card, but was actually a get well card.
Penny: (laughing) I'm liking my odds here.
Bernadette: So on the card, in the hospital, next to the woman who's clinging to life, are the words "Hey Vivian, you deserve this. And at least with you gone, no one will steal my yogurt out of the fridge. LOL, smiley. P.S., Good luck, wherever you wind up."
Penny: Why didn't I put money on this?
Sheldon: On the one hand, the XBox One has a camera. On the other hand, the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?
Amy: I can't feel my legs.
Raj: Sheldon is out of town so we can do whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like.
Stuart: How is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.
Leonard: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Amy: I don't know.
Bernadette: I told Howie if I wasn't busy I'd spend the night at his Mom's. So for God sakes, think of something.
Mary Cooper: Are you having the sex talk with me?
Mary Cooper: Oh, dear Lord.
Sheldon: No, don't look to Him. He's mad at you right now.
Raj: Cows may be sacred there, but it doesn't help if you look like one.
Leonard: Do you really think we would drift apart if we really became successful?
Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress if I had to move you'd just come with me.
Leonard: I got a chance to be a tenured professor I might not have that much chose where I end up.
Penny: Yea, but if I become a successful actress we wouldn't need the money.
Sheldon: I'll condemn you internally, while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary Cooper: (lovingly) That is very Christian of you.
Raj: Perhaps the killer dropped a fun and imaginative clue somewhere in the apartment.
Penny: Ooh, I'm gonna check the fridge and see if there are any clues inside a beer.
Amy: Should you really be sitting in Sheldon's spot?
Raj: He's in Texas. He'll never know.
Penny: I wouldn't be so sure about that.
Leonard: Yeah, he has a very sensitive butt.
Amy, Raj, Penny, Bernadette: ?
Leonard: Well, it's true. Once I saw him sit on a bunch of loose change and add it up.
Stuart: I think you're the best couple I know.
Leonard: Ah.
Penny: That's so sweet.
Bernadette: What the hell?
Amy: Excuse me?
Penny: Let the dead man talk. Why do you say that?
Stuart: Well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of your shell. Seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don't know. Together you make one awesome person.
Penny: Ah, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.
Penny: Are you going to make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents?
Raj: Lame characters with silly accents. What kind of an actress are you?
Sheldon: Mother.
(Knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Mother.
(Knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Mother.
(Knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Mother.
Mary Cooper: Shelly. I'm so glad you're here.
Sheldon: I saw you having naked sex.
Mary Cooper: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Earlier I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Shelly. I'm so sorry. Come in. Um. Maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
Sheldon: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mary Cooper: That's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table.
Sheldon: I can't wait to see the look on her face. We're leaving right now.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Nothing.
Howard: Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon: I saw my Mommy with a naked man and she's trying to be a Mommy again.
Raj: Throughout the game feel free to ask each other questions to uncover the clues.
Penny: Got it. Hey, who's the murderer?
Raj: Any question but that.
Penny: All right. Hey, who's not the murderer?
Amy: Yea, I won the Nobel Prize in physiology then I use the money to buy Stuart's comic book store and close it down so Sheldon will pay attention to me. Not the worst idea.
Sheldon: I think what bothers me the most is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been expounding your whole life?
Mary Cooper: You're right, it does. And it is something I have been struggling with these days.
Sheldon: Then why are you doing it?
Mary Cooper: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly, and that man's booty is.
Sheldon: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness so I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary Cooper: That is very Christian of you.
Leonard: Come on guys, Raj put a lot of effort into this. And it's great... not sad. It's great.
Amy: It might be fun to be somebody else tonight.
Raj: Actually you're all just going to be yourselves.
Amy: Oh, uck.
Sheldon: How long have you been a demented sex pervert?
Mary Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.
Sheldon: Perhaps not. But is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the bible to me my whole life and then desecrated one of Ethan Allan's finest.
Mary Cooper: I will give you one opportunity young man to apologize to me.
Sheldon: Or what?
Mary Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.
Sheldon: That is ridiculous. I am a grown man, I am a professional scientist and currently occupy the moral high ground
Mary Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I occupy the moral high ground.
Mary Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon: But I am a professional scientist.
Mary Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon: I'm a grown man.
Leonard: Does the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know that he's just ripping off "Terminator".
Howard: You might not want to get in the way of your Mom's happiness.
Penny: Are you really gonna lie on the floor and pretend to be dead all night?
Stuart: What do you think I was gonna do at home?
Howard: Good luck.
Sheldon: Aren't you gonna come with me?
Sheldon: While you confront your mother about her sex life? I'd rather go back to that bar in ass-less chaps.
Sheldon: I thought you were waiting in the car.
Howard: That was an hour ago, Sheldon. A jew sits in front of a house in Texas that long, For Sale signs start to go up.
Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself! Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps!
Sheldon: I love my mother... even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.
Raj: Penny and Leonard, you two love birds are super-successful and living in New York. You're an actress. You're a professor and you have three beautiful kids.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: You're really putting this body through three kids?
Raj: Welcome to another classic Kotherpali murder mystery dinner.
Amy: I'm leaving.
Raj: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life.
Sheldon: How about Penny's depressing acting career?
Leonard: Hey. I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams and in my book that's not depressing.
Penny: Thank you.
Penny: Well, I'll have you guys know that I turned down a part in a movie last week.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Penny: Because it was crap. It was a sequel to that awful killer gorilla movie.
Bernadette: Serial Ape-ist? I thought you died in that.
Sheldon: She does, 42 minutes in.
Raj: While showering topless, 16 minutes after a brief side butt during a pillow fight with her sorority sisters.
Sheldon: I have an eidetic memory. I don't know what his problem is.
Penny: Okay, well, there are no shower scenes in this one. They just try to clone me from my corpse, but my DNA gets mixed with the ape's DNA and I end up running around with giant gorilla hands and feet.
Sheldon: Am I missing something, or isn't that the part she was born to play?
Sheldon: I'm sorry for every mean thing I ever said or did to you.
Howard: I'm sorry too. It's all my fault.
Sheldon: If you weren't my friend there'd be a hole in my life.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.
Leonard: Don't a lot of famous actors get their start doing bad movies?
Penny: Okay, I don't think Meryl Streep ever had to say, "Must keep gorilla hands from killing again."
Raj: If she did, it would be amazing. That woman can do no wrong.
Amy: Um, you're supposed to be yourself, not all desperate and creepy.
Raj: Okay, I'm getting some mixed messages here.
Bernadette: Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?
Penny: I'm sure he's doing it out of love. Just like my boyfriend not supporting my acting career.
Penny: (Car making noises) Uh, that doesn't sound good.
Sheldon: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, we're ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yes, I know it's on Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't afford this right now.
Sheldon: (car stops) Maybe it's just something minor. Oh good news. The light just went out.
Raj: Your words fall like acid rain on the wounded petals of my heart.
Amy: Well, what would I say to her'?
Raj: Just tell her what I'm really like. And, if you think it'll help, that you saw me changing once and my package reminded you of the muscular tail of a jaguar.
Leonard: You sure you want to do this?
Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn't I want to get my old job back? It'll be fun to see everyone. I haven't talked to them since I said, "I quit! See you at the Oscars, bitches."
Howard: Back in the car. I'm an astronaut and you know it. You just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.
Sheldon: Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going into space. Those astronauts were my heroes, and when you got to go it was hard for me.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.
Bernadette: This is gonna be a long weekend for you.
Howard: You're the reason I'm doing it.
Bernadette: I said to stop insulting each other. I didn't tell you to take him on a romantic getaway.
Howard: How do I know what you said? Damn you and your noise cancelling breasts.
Leonard: Are we playing individuals or teams?
Raj: Teams are fun.
Sheldon: Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj: But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...
Howard: We don't really do that.
Raj: (Interrupting) ... do that! See?
Sheldon: Ten years ago upon first seeing me your husband claimed that I looked like C-3PO and Pee Wee Herman. And he called me C-3-PeeWee Herman.
Penny: Now that girl's gonna get discovered and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about how she got her big break on some stupid monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.
Leonard: At least you got mentioned on Letterman.
Penny: This isn't your car.
Leonard: I know. I thought we'd take yours.
Penny: I don't understand.
Leonard: It's nothing fancy but it'll get you to auditions and at least for now you don't have to go back to waitressing.
Penny: I don't know what to say.
Leonard: Don't say anything.
Penny: Oh my God!
Leonard: I mean you could say thank you. I did just buy you a car.
Howard: Hey, I work at the same university you do.
Sheldon: Yes, and Hawkeye's in the Avengers, but no one ever says, "Help, Hawkeye."
Amy: Raj, your tag is hanging out.
(Adjusts shirt tag)
Raj: Thank you. You know, that was the closest thing to sex I've had in two years.
Amy: And now I'm creeped out.
Raj: It only makes it more real for me.
Sheldon: (On the plane, on his shoulder)
(Tap, tap, tap)
Sheldon: Howard?
(Tap, tap, tap)
Sheldon: Howard?
(Tap, tap, tap)
Sheldon: Howard?
Howard: What now?
Sheldon: I have to go to the bathroom.
Howard: You just went to the bathroom.
Sheldon: I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all the emails, the toilet didn't have a seat belt.
Howard: Well, it still doesn't.
Sheldon: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.
Sheldon: Leonard, could you wrap it up? We're waiting for you.
Penny: I'm sorry, is the fact that my life's falling apart interrupting your board game?
Sheldon: It is.
(to Howard)
Sheldon: See, I told you she would understand.
Sheldon: Amy? Amy? Amy? I'll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship - so just sign this with your finger and please don't cry on my iPad because I don't get Apple Care.
Amy: I'm not surprised you want to end the relationship. I'm just a little surprised you didn't get Apple Care. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?
Sheldon: At the bottom. I must say I'm relieved you're not making more of a scene out of this.
Amy: Oh, I've already moved on. Besides the breakup has nothing to do with me.
Sheldon: What. It doesn't?
Amy: OF course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He's manipulating you like he always does.
Sheldon: Wait. Wait. Now hang on. You think he's manipulating me?
Amy: All the time. And he knew that as your girlfriend, I wasn't gonna to stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean a table? Come on.
Sheldon: It is hideous.
Amy: Well, thankfully, I won't have to see it 'cause I won't be your girlfriend anymore.
(Signs)
Amy: Amy Farah Fowler. Why yes, I would like to take a survey.
Sheldon: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?
Amy: Of course I was.
Sheldon: Yeah, wait. I do I know you're not manipulating me right now?
Amy: I would think that if I'm manipulating you, you'd be smart enough to see it.
Sheldon: How do I know you're not saying that as part of the manipulation?
Amy: I think you're smart enough to see that too.
Sheldon: Okay. I'm sorry i gave you such a hard time. I just had to be sure.
(Amy turns away and smiles)
Leonard: Sheldon doesn't like reclaimed wood.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: He's afraid the original owners will come back.
Sheldon: Well. Is this really worth it? We've lived together for years with nary an argument.
Leonard: Huh?
Sheldon: But we start talking about a table and suddenly we're at each other's throats.
Leonard: Nary an argument"? "Nary"?
Sheldon: Well that means "not on" or "not any". Maybe instead of a table you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don't know if I won that, but at least he's upset.
Raj: Oh sure. I sit on the floor for years no one cares. The pretty white girl sits for ten seconds and you're all running off to IKEA.
Howard: Good news. Someone in this room gets to take a ride on a rocket.
Bernadette: Fine. Can I at least shower first?
Leonard: This spot that no one else can sit in only exists because despite your objections I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change is bad and this change was good.
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: You don't need to explain yourself to him.
Sheldon: I don't need to explain myself to you.
Amy: You're sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.
Sheldon: Keep the table. We don't use that space.
Amy: Damn it, I got cocky.
Penny: Sheldon's not here.
Leonard: Well he is here.
(Points to his head)
Leonard: So unless you want to dig him out with a bone saw and a melon baller there's nothing I can do about it.
Penny: Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was at an audition.
Howard: Ahh.
Sheldon: You'll get 'em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Just shut up.
Raj: He's forgotten how miserable he was the entire time he was up there. It's like me in those moments when I miss India.
Bernadette: So you'll talk to him?
Raj: Why me?
Bernadette: Well, I'm his wife. I don't want to ruin it for him.
Raj: That's the dynamic. I'm the fun one and you're the buzz kill.
Sheldon: Think of me as Arthur Dent In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy lying in front of the bulldozers protecting his home.
Leonard: If you recall, the Vogon Fleet blew up the earth anyway.
Sheldon: It's a made up story, Leonard. I don't even know why you're talking about it.
Mike Massimino: Hey, Fruit Loops.
Howard: Massimino, why are you here?
Mike Massimino: Well, I heard you were thinking about going back up to the space station, and as someone who's been there with you, well, you know how astronauts need to have the right stuff?
Howard: Sure.
Mike Massimino: The stuff you have is wrong.
Sheldon: OK. I think we found the problem here. It's not the table at all. It's you.
Penny: Me?
Leonard: Well. It's always me. Take one for the team.
Sheldon: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will and then you came along and reshaped him with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.
Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?
Leonard: "Fancy" sounds like a compliment.
Penny: OK, I have not tried to change Leonard. That is just happens in relationships. Look how much Amy has changed you.
Sheldon: That's not true.
Penny: Oh sweetie. When I first met you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you're holding holds, going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.
Leonard: She told you?
Penny: Of courses she told me. It's the most interesting thing that happened to her entire life.
Leonard: You're too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.
Sheldon: You're right. Without realizing I allowed that woman to alter my personality.
Leonard: Mmm. You didn't have a personality; you just had some shows you liked.
Sheldon: No. No, I've changed. Like the frog that's put in a pot of water that's heated so gradually he doesn't realize he's boiling to death.
Penny: Or you're the frog that's been kissed by the princess and turned into a prince.
Leonard: Or you're just a tall annoying frog.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon. Wait.
Sheldon: No. You've opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate open-minded person. And that stops now.
Leonard: Well, we should call her.
Penny: Yeah. Amy. It's Penny. Hey. Just a little heads up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon's breaking up with you.
Amy: Item 28 your pet name for me. Time's running out on this. You need to make decision.
Sheldon: I submitted you a notarized list.
Amy: I sorry, but Golum and Flaky are not acceptable.
Sheldon: Well, you don't like Princess Corncob. You don't like Fester. You're just impossible to please.
Yvette: I should have been a dentist.
Howard: Fun fact, I'm gonna jump off this train.
Sheldon: What is your problem?
Amy: It's Valentine's Day. We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.
Sheldon: Oh really? Because I remember you saying that trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you really mean that or were you just trying to trick me?
Amy: Fine, it's true. I deserve romance and I didn't know how else to make it happen.
Sheldon: Well, if you want romance, let's have romance. Oh, look, there's wine.
(Takes Amy's wine glass and drinks)
Sheldon: Grape juice that burns. Um, let's now gaze into each other's eyes.
(Looks at Amy's eyes)
Sheldon: You blinked, I win.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: What's next? Oh, kissing's romantic.
(Amy doesn't believe him, gets kissed and enjoys it. So does Sheldon)
Amy: That was nice.
Sheldon: Good. Um. The conductor said if I come back to the engine room he'd show me how to bring the train through a crossing.
Amy: OK, have fun.
Sheldon: Do you want to come with me?
Amy: Really? I do.
Sheldon: What if my room has a claw-foot bathtub?
Amy: It doesn't. I know it makes you feel like you're bathing inside a monster.
Raj: Oh and I'd like for at least one of us to see some action so if you guys happen to have sex it's cool if she stays in the room.
Penny: The same goes with the two of you with Amy.
(Amy smiles)
Sheldon: How many trains have you been on?
Eric: Tons. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
Sheldon: Wow, your life's amazing.
Eric: Not always. A box fell on my head at UPS six years ago. Now I just collect disability and ride trains.
Penny: Should we take this little party to the bedroom?
Leonard: We don't have to. We have the whole place to ourselves.
Penny: Oh that's true.
Leonard: In fact, if you want we can do it right here on Sheldon's spot.
Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone's ever said to me.
Leonard: To the bedroom!
Penny: Happy Valentines Day!
Leonard: Flowers and chocolates? You trying to get me out of my panties?
Penny: Don't be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. Came that way when I bought it.
Leonard: I got you a little something too.
(Gives Penny a jewelry box)
Penny: Oh my. Jewelry.
(Opens box)
Penny: Oh, my God. Lakers' tickets!
Leonard: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.
Penny: Aww! You are the best boyfriend ever!
Leonard: Thank you, seriously, please don't make me go.
Raj: You do whatever it takes to save her life. If she needs any new organs I'll buy any dog necessary and scrap them for parts.
Amy: I propose we spend a weekend at a bed and breakfast in Napa valley.
Sheldon: I hate every word in that sentence, including "in", "at", "we" and "a".
Amy: Hey, guys. See if you can guess this one.
(Mimes shooting herself in the head)
Amy: Bang! Splat! Thud!
Yvette: Are you the owner?
Raj: Owner, father, and if something happens to her your worse nightmare!
Bernadette: Are you all right?
Amy: It's Valentines Day, and my boyfriend is hanging out with some weirdo. How do you think I feel?
Bernadette: To be fair, they're both weirdos.
Amy: Why do I even try?
Bernadette: I'm going to fix this right now.
Howard: OK. Just make it look light an accident.
Bernadette: Excuse me. You at a Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon: You're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to got back to my table now. You should join us.
Eric: All right.
Bernadette: Great. Now there's two of them.
Eric: Here's my impression of the Amtrak Acela barreling down the eastern corridor. Wha wha wha wha shhhhh, wha wha wha wha shhhhh, wha wha wha wha shhhhh.
Sheldon: It's like there's a train in your mouth.
Penny: Oh my God!
Leonard: It's a little late, but I'll take it.
Penny: No. Cinnamon ate the chocolates. That's really bad for dogs.
Sheldon: I never want this day to ever end.
Amy: Feeling like it never will.
Sheldon: The conductor and I have the same pocket watch.
Eric: It was crazy.
Sheldon: Dare I say, loco?
Sheldon: In what world is a 4-4-6-4 a 4-10-4?
Howard: A world I don't want to live in. Seriously I no longer want to live in this world.
Sheldon: This is going to be the best Valentine's day ever.
Amy: I'm so glad you like it.
Sheldon: I'm prepared to say I love it, as soon as I confirm there are no hobos aboard.
Sheldon: Excuse me. I think you're being a little rude.
Amy: (furious) I'm being rude? You've been rude to me this entire evening.
Sheldon: How is that possible? I've hardly spoken to you since we got on the train.
Sheldon: We've only been dating three years. If we share a room people might talk.
Bernadette: You sure you guys don't want to come with us to Napa. You can probably still get a room.
Penny: No. I think we'll just have a quiet weekend at home.
Leonard: Of course I'm not sure it's a great idea to take Penny where wine comes from. What? It's a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses and you might have a problem. It's all for laughs.
Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn't have a buzz going on.
Amy: An evening looking at the stars. That's still kind of romantic.
Raj: Except I'd be alone.
Amy: I'm trying to put lipstick on a pig here. Work with me.
Sheldon: No, wait, I need you to call Stan Lee, Leonard Nimoy, and Bill Nye, the Science Guy, because legally, I'm not allowed to. Oh, and also Carrie Fisher. I hear she can be pretty nuts.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I am one step away from securing a huge guest for my convention.
Leonard: Does that step include chloroform and a roll of duct tape?
Sheldon: I don't think that will be necessary for Mr. James Earl Jones. You heard me. The voice of Darth Vader, the Lion King's dad, and F.Y.I., the guy who says "This is CNN", which also sounds like Darth Vader.
Sheldon: Singing with James Earl Jones : in the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight-take it away mufasa!
Penny: (the guys have been unable to buy Comic-Con tickets) Guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.
Sheldon: (on top of the Santa Monica Ferris wheel) Hey, Los Angeles! I'm on a Ferris wheel with Darth Vader! And he's nicer than you'd think!
James Earl Jones: I am!
James Earl Jones: (looks up from his menu to see Sheldon standing there) Let me guess: you like Star Wars.
Sheldon: (nods)
James Earl Jones: You know I've been in other movies.
Sheldon: (nods again)
James Earl Jones: But you don't care about those, do you?
Sheldon: (shakes his head)
James Earl Jones: (motions Sheldon closer) I have one thing to say to people like you: I like Star Wars too! Care to join me?
Sheldon: Thank you! My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you'd think I was a creepy stalker.
James Earl Jones: Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie!
Sheldon: He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is!
James Earl Jones: You know, when I first read the script for Empire Strikes Back, and Darth Vader told Luke he was his father, I thought for sure he was lying.
Sheldon: You too? But he wasn't, was he?
James Earl Jones: He was not! How messed up was that?
Sheldon: (sneaking up to a house) I don't understand what we're doing.
James Earl Jones: Shhhh!
Sheldon: Whose house is this?
James Earl Jones: Carrie Fisher. And she's a little crazy, so get ready to run.
(he rings the doorbell, and they run for it)
Carrie Fisher: (storms out with a baseball bat) It's not funny anymore, James!
James Earl Jones: Then why am I laughing?
Raj: Hey, since Sheldon's not going to Comic-Con, maybe we could find a cool trio to dress up as.
Leonard: Mmm... what if we go as the Fantastic Four and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us?
Howard: Aww, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don't exist were over.
Leonard: (trying to buy tickets to Comic-Con) I did it! I did it! I'm in the queue!
(Sheldon, Raj, and Howard all cheer)
Sheldon: And they say firefighters are the real heroes.
Raj: Uh... what number in line are you?
Leonard: Fifty...
Howard: Great!
Leonard: ...thousand two hundred and eleven.
Howard: Damn!
James Earl Jones: (in a steam room) What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?
Sheldon: Oh. "How much does it cost to get them off my lap?"
James Earl Jones: No, something about a convention.
Sheldon: Oh, right! Well, my friends and I couldn't get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.
James Earl Jones: Why don't you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me?
Sheldon: Really?
James Earl Jones: Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I'm taking you every night!
Sheldon: Ay-yi-yi.
James Earl Jones: Ay-yi-yi-bang-bang!
Penny: Why can't Leonard understand it?
Sheldon: Because he's not like us, Penny. We're dreamers.
Penny: Yeah, I need to start cracking the window when I leave you in the car.
Leonard: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.
Penny: Why are you sitting in the stairwell?
Sheldon: Leonard told me to stay.
Penny: Oh. Well, good boy.
Bert: You just don't wanna go out with me because I have an off-putting personality.
Amy: No, that's not true. My boyfriend has an off-putting personality too, like way worse than you.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: I'm sorry I didn't text you back. I just needed some time to think.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: Come in.
Leonard: Look if you want to break up, just say it.
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard: No, no, no. I take it back. Don't say it. Just just hate me but stay with me. It worked for my parents.
Penny: Listen. I don't want to break up with you.
Leonard: Oh, okay. Good... good. So is it cool if I cry a little?
Penny: Yeah, I probably wouldn't.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Look you did the right thing last night. I was a mess. Just frustrated because my career's going nowhere.
Leonard: I get it. And, and I want you to know that I support *whatever* you want to do.
Penny: Great. Because I've been thinking, if I really want this acting thing to work I need to focus all my energy on it. And to do that, I should quit waitressing at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: Wow! Tha-that's a big step.
Penny: I know.
Leonard: So, before making any rash...
Penny: I already quit.
Leonard: And I support you.
(Penny hugs Leonard)
Bert: Thanks for coming to the Mineral and Rock Show with me.
Raj: We're sorry Amy didn't want to go.
Howard: Really, really sorry.
Bert: Who cares? Who needs her when I have you guys!
(yells)
Bert: Rock show. Rock show. Rock show.
(yells and pounds dashboard)
Bert: Rock show. Rock show. Rock show. Rock Shooooooooooooow.
Man V.O.: Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a peaceful place.
Sheldon: All right. I'm at the Hadron Supercollider.
Man V.O.: Now breathe in...
(Sheldon inhales)
Man V.O.: ... and out.
Sheldon: Wow. Didn't see that coming.
Man V.O.: Once again. In...
Sheldon: (Inhales) Let me guess.
Man V.O.: ...and out.
Sheldon: What was I going to do, two ins in a row?
Sheldon: It's an outrage!
Leonard: I know.
Sheldon: The university, they think they can do whatever they want; we just have to sit there and take it.
Leonard: You need to let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You work tirelessly for someone and this is what you get.
Leonard: Oh my God!
(shouting)
Leonard: They're just making you use your vacation days.
Sheldon: Well, I don't want a vacation.
Leonard: Listen, I don't mean to diminish what you're going through, but I'm a little distracted right now.
Sheldon: Oh, this *again*! So Penny proposed. You didn't say yes, and now you think you may have lost her love forever. How does this compare to my being forced to relax fora few days?
Leonard: (shouting) It doesn't!
Sheldon: Thank you!
Leonard: I'm going to go talk to Penny.
Sheldon: I'm going to go inside, put on my coziest pajamas, curl up with a good book and wait for this nightmare to be over.
(Leonard knocks three times on Penny's door)
Sheldon: Penny.
(they stare at each other)
Sheldon: Sorry.
Bernadette: You know, I do work at a pharmaceutical company. If you can make this happen today, I can hook you up with anxiety medication, anti depressants...
Stuart: Really? Do you have any of these?
(Dumps full shoebox of medicine bottles onto counter)
Amy: Hello, Mr. Rat Brain. Not so bitey without the rest of the rat to back us up now, are we?
Penny: I know you think I'm being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot!
Sheldon: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her resume she is no longer 22.
Leonard: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you're on my side, but you don't act like it.
Sheldon: He does that to me too. Why do we put up with it?
Leonard: Listen. I could never do what you're doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it's scary for me too.
Sheldon: I'm fine with it.
Leonard: My point is, just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I'm proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.
Leonard: You taking Hollywood by storm?
Penny: Actually I'm at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard: You got your job back. That is great news. I mean I didn't want to say anything but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt right now would be literally insane.
Penny: Yeah, I'm just returning my uniform.
Leonard: And I support you.
Sheldon: I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don't think we're going to get to do that today.
Sheldon: Too bad. Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.
Howard: You want us to talk to him?
Amy: Really? You would do that?
Raj: Sure. We've both been in his shoes; we'll let him down with compassion and respect.
Amy: Thank you.
Howard: Let's go.
(Raj and Howard leave the lab)
Raj: So we tell him she's a lesbian.
Howard: Of course we tell him she's a lesbian!
Bernadette: There's a few more things I want to say to you. Stuart's store is just fine and he's a much nicer person than you are and if you still have that comic I'd like to buy it right now.
Jesse: No problem. Oh, d'you want a latte while you wait?
Bernadette: No, I don't want a latte! I want a cappuccino and a blueberry scone!
Jesse: I only have chocolate chip.
Bernadette: Well, that sounds even better!
Howard: You know, if you'd rather skip lunch and hang out with your boyfriend, Bert, it's totally OK.
Amy: He's not my boyfriend.
Raj: Are you sure? He's tall, pale, and awkward. That sounds like your type.
Amy: Should someone as lonely as you really be making fun of me?
Raj: Yeah, grow up, Howard! God!
Howard: Does he know you're dating Sheldon?
Amy: I guess it hasn't come up.
Howard: There you go.
Raj: And does Sheldon know you're dating Sheldon?
Amy: I'm sorry, who are you dating?
Raj: Yeah, knock it off, Howard!
Leonard: I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, then maybe we need to talk about the kind of relationship we're actually in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon: I'm willing to if you guys are.
Leonard: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon: No, I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two, and I think it's high time we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard: For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with a Sheldon forever.
Bernadette: Did I startle you?
Stuart: Yes. But at this point, pretty much any customer does.
Bernadette: I accidentally destroyed one of Howard's comic books this morning, and I was hoping I could replace it.
Stuart: Wow, what happened?
Bernadette: Batman got his ass kicked by my curling iron.
Stuart: Don't let The Riddler know that.
(pause)
Stuart: It's a comic book joke.
(pause)
Stuart: Or maybe it's not.
Sheldon: Where's my lemonade?
Penny: I didn't get it.
Sheldon: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress; to forget my order one last time.
Sheldon: What if there's a big breakthrough in science today and I'm not there to see it?
Leonard: Do you really think there's going to be a breakthrough without you there to do it?
Sheldon: No. I was just tricking you.
Amy: I'm just going to go find him an- and be brutally honest.
Raj: No, don't.
Raj: He'll be so upset. He'll probably climb up the Empire State Building and start swatting at planes.
Leonard: OK, listen to me. This is just a minor setback.
Penny: No, it's not, OK. I've been out here for like ten years. I've nothing to show for it.
Leonard: You have me.
Penny: You're right. I do have you. Mmm. Let's get married.
Leonard: What?
Penny: (She gets down on one knee) Wooh. Leonard Hofstadter... will you marry me?
Leonard: Ummm.
Penny: Did you seriously just say, "Ummm"?
Leonard: You know I love you, but but you're, you're drunk and sad and feeling lost...
Penny: OK, so... ugh... you don't want to marry me?
Leonard: That is not what I said.
Penny: No, forget it. I take it back. Offer's off the table.
Sheldon: Who's in the mood to laugh?
Leonard: Really not a good time.
Sheldon: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I'm gonna go.
Leonard: Ah, Penny don't.
Penny: No, no. I just need to be alone.
Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
Sheldon: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
Penny: No. There's supposed to be a big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it-it's... gone.
Bernadette: What happened?
Penny: They must have cut it.
Leonard: Oh, Penny. I'm, I'm sorry.
Howard: That stinks.
Raj: I'm sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn't make any sense to me. I, I thought, I thought I did a really good job, and... Excuse me.
Leonard: What you're trying to do is hard, but people do make it. And I really do believe that you could be one of 'em.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: And, to show you how much I believe in you, I kind of got you an audition
Penny: Are you serious? For what?
Leonard: The new Star Wars movie.
Penny: What! How did you manage that?
Leonard: There's a thing online. You put yourself on tape and just send it in. Anyone can do it.
Penny: Come on, Leonard, this is just a PR stunt.
Leonard: So, uh, even if it is, you have a huge advantage because you're an actual actress; most of the people doing this are just weirdos and nerds. Wolowitz sent his in two days ago.
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
(Pats Leonard on the back)
Leonard: Did you just put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back?
Sheldon: (pause) No. That wouldn't be funny at all.
(Rips a paper off Leonard's back)
Leonard: Yes. How much for, uh, a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Yeah, I'll call you back.
Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard: Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. Just feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard: Oh, come on; it's OK.
Penny: No, it's not OK. Look at me. OK. I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and still doing it. I can't quit because guess what, I can't do anything else. And I finally get ybig break and it goes away. I'm such a mess.
Leonard: No, you're not.
Penny: Really? Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.
Stuart: How about those guys on that bench over there; they look pathetic. Bet we could talk to them.
Raj: That's a mirror.
Sheldon: Can't sleep?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard: Penny proposed, and I didn't say yes.
Sheldon: Why not?
Leonard: That's a good question.
Sheldon: Does that mean the relationship is over?
Leonard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Why don't you ask her?
Leonard: Because I'm afraid to know the answer.
Sheldon: Well... I'm sorry.
Leonard: That's it? You're not going to make some dumb joke or some inappropriate comment?
Sheldon: No. You're my friend and... I'm sorry.
Stuart: When I was a baby, my mother called me her little possum.
Raj: Are possums cute?
Stuart: Not at all.
Amy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh at a knock-knock joke that starts with knock knock knock, Amy, knock knock knock, Amy, knock knock knock, Amy?
Penny: You didn't get your part cut. And you didn't get your part cut. Yep a bunch of old guys rocking out in a band all with erectile dysfunction, you didn't get your part cut.
Leonard: Hey, can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.
Howard: Star Wars Audition, Take 1. Starring Howard Joel Wolowitz, real-life astronaut.
(turns away from the camera, puts up his hood, then turns back in character)
Howard: Vader is here. Now. On this moon. I felt his presence. He's come for me. He can feel when I'm near.
Bernadette: How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
Howard: I'm in the middle of something!
Bernadette: So am I!
Howard: (to Raj) If you're really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.
(Leonard and Howard laugh)
Sheldon: Why is that funny? That's just unhygienic.
Leonard: It's a joke.
Sheldon: I don't think so. I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climatic humorous twist.
Penny: I want you right now to give me your one hundred percent honest opinion. Do you think I have what it takes to really make it as an actress?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: So you think I'll be on TV and in movies and win awards?
Leonard: Honestly?
Penny: Yes, honestly.
Leonard: I don't.
Penny: How could you say that!
Leonard: I don't, no, I got all confused when you said honestly.
Raj: I read a study that says a man with a dog is three times more likely to get a woman's phone number.
Leonard: Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue?
Raj: I don't see why not.
Howard: If you're really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I could set you up with my mom.
Leonard: The odds of *anyone* becoming a successful actor, like a million to one.
Penny: Wow, thank you.
(She exits)
Leonard: (to himself) Should have let Sheldon come
Amy: Sheldon, you scared me, that wasn't funny.
Sheldon: Maybe you have a stick up your prefrontal cortex.
Amy: It's nice that we all get to eat together.
(the guys mumble in agreement)
Amy: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.
Penny: Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.
Leonard: What happened?
Penny: I just got a job on a TV show.
Amy: Congratulations.
Leonard: That's great. Guys!
(Guys mumble acknowledgement)
Howard: What's the show?
Penny: Um, NCII or... you know, NCSTD. I don't know. It's... It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.
Leonard: That's amazing.
Penny: Yeah!
Howard: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj: Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.
Leonard: So it it's just flirting.
Penny: Well, yeah, why?
Leonard: No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.
Penny: Oh.
Amy: He's wrong.
Sheldon: I'm on my way out.
Leonard: Where?
Sheldon: Texas.
Amy: Right now? Why?
Leonard: Someone sick?
Sheldon: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon: I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?
Amy: Can I give you a ride to the airport?
Sheldon: Oh, no, thank you; I don't want to be an inconvenience. Chop chop, Leonard; we leave in ten minutes.
Raj: (Stuart interjected himself into Raj and Leonard's fantasy) What are you doing?
Stuart: I, ahem, just wanted to be in anyone's story.
Raj: Yeah, but why are you fat?
Stuart: 'Cause Leonard was fat.
Leonard: You know, maybe you and I wouldn't be together, but you wouldn't have done so great yourself.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: Because I know exactly the kind of guy you would have ended up with.
Zack: Hey, babe.
Penny: Hey. Remember to pay the rent?
Zack: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans.
Amy: Hi, Sheldon. Everything OK?
Sheldon: No, it's not. I've seen things. Lady things.
Amy: Listen to me. That is *not* the way they usually look.
Sheldon: It doesn't matter. It is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. Some kind of dirty magic show.
Penny: I am a little strapped for cash this year, so for Christmas I was thinking of giving you
(sticks a bow on her Santa hat and runs her hands down her body)
Penny: this.
Leonard: I love it!
(they kiss)
Leonard: But it *is* what you got me last year. And last night.
Raj: So Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch?
Leonard: I know, it's crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people!
(they cheer)
Howard: I've never done this before. It's kind of fun.
Raj: If your Mom could see her little Bar mitzvah boy right now she'd have a heart attack.
Bernadette: Good idea; I'll take a picture.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon sent us all an email. "Happy Holidays from Texas". And there's pictures. Arrgh, don't open them, do not open them.
Penny: Oh, come on, child birth is a natural, beautiful...
(sees picture)
Penny: urgh, it's like someone sawed a cow in half.
Raj: My father's a gynecologist; I think I can handle it.
(sees pictures)
Raj: And now I'm gay.
(Leonard and Raj are very fat)
Leonard: I'm going to do it; I'm going to ask her out.
Howard: And chocolate milk out is going to squirt of my nipples.
Raj: Put up or shut up. You make it, I'll drink it.
Penny: You guys need anything else?
Leonard: Yeah, your phone number and one more cheesecake.
Penny: I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. Look, in fact, there he is now.
(Stu enters; she goes to him)
Penny: Ready to go, sweetheart.
Stuart: Not till I get my kiss.
(She kisses him and they leave)
Stuart: (Stu. sitting alone in an empty Cheesecake Factory, sighs)
Mary Cooper: Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.
Sheldon: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhD's yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal.
Amy: Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. There's tears in the frosting. Happy birthday to me.
Penny: (Penny's fantasy story) OK, sweetie. Let me tell exactly how that would have gone down.
Leonard: I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask her out.
Howard: I'm going squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry. I thought we were saying things that are never going to happen.
Raj: Maybe this time he's going to do it.
Howard: Hope you're thirsty. Here it comes!
Leonard: Watch me.
Penny: Hey. You guys ready to order or do you need a few minutes?
Leonard: I... I... um.
Penny: A few minutes it is.
Raj: You didn't ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds.
Leonard: You guys are making me nervous.
Howard: Fine, then, go talk to her on your own.
Leonard: I will.
(goes over to Penny)
Leonard: Excuse me.
Penny: Yup.
Leonard: Hi, uhh, um, I'm Leonard.
Penny: Really? You don't sound so sure.
Leonard: No, I am he. Any-anyway, um, there's been something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. Um.
Penny: What's that?
Leonard: Well, I was wondering if you're not too busy... um... if you'd be interested in... telling me where the restroom is?
Penny: I think you're too late.
Amy: I missed you.
Sheldon: To quote Han Solo - I know.
Amy: Did you miss me?
Sheldon: I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Amy: Awww.
Sheldon: Or instead of me.
Sheldon: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?
Amy: Yeah, kinda.
Sheldon: That's so thoughtful. You guys are the best.
Debbie Wolowitz: (Fantasy sequence) That's it? There's not enough food!
Howard: Well, you cleaned out Earth! I don't know what else to do!
Bernadette: (Back in reality) How is this any different?
Howard: You didn't let me finish.
(in the fantasy, Howard serves Mrs. Wolowitz)
Howard: Here you go, Mother.
Debbie Wolowitz: You're a good boy, Howard, such a good boy.
(Howard turns the chair around, revealing Mrs. Wolowitz is now a skeleton wearing a wig and the fantasy ends)
Amy: Wait, did she die or did you kill her?
Howard: Eh, tomato, tomahto. The important thing is she's dead.
Amy: Did you hold the baby?
Sheldon: I did.
Amy: And... how did it make you feel?
Sheldon: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.
Raj: I've never seen It's a Wonderful life
Stuart: Me neither
Amy: It's great, Jimmy Stewart is really depressed, standing on a bridge and is going to kill himself
Stuart: Don't need to see it, living it
Sheldon: (about his nephew) That baby is so irritating, he's literally been crying his entire life
Howard: Already taking after his Uncle Shelly
Penny: Can you imagine *not* being born?
Leonard: (imitating Sheldon's knocking ritual) What do you think?
(knocks again)
Leonard: What do you think?
(knocks again)
Leonard: WHAT DO YOU THINK?
Bernadette: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: (Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy) Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: (seductively) Doing laundry?
Sheldon: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: (Listening to the story) OK, that's enough.
Leonard: Disagree.
Raj: keep going.
Penny: (Standing in her bra) So. What do you think?
Sheldon: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.
Penny: (Penny and Amy are skiing to a video game) Alright, you're really good at this.
Amy: Well, I have an extremely low center of gravity. Like a pyramid.
Penny: How you doing over there?
Leonard: Well, I hope it's just a sprain. I cannot walk into that ER with another video game injury.
Sheldon: She chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the stone age and a cave wasn't available.
Raj: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.
Sheldon: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip n' Slide.
Raj: (to Amy) Would you want Sheldon in the room if he was having your baby?
Penny: If he was in the room when they were *making* the baby, I'll give you 10 dollars.
Ira Flatow: This could put you on the track to a Nobel Prize, and in chemistry, no less. Very unusual, seeing as you're a physicist.
Sheldon: Yes, it's very unusual. Let's all laugh at the circus freak!
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
Leonard: Course you're not. People love trained monkeys.
Penny: How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. Oh my God. I'm jealous of Sheldon.
Bernadette: Hey guys, sorry I'm so late. Did you already have dinner?
Howard: No, we were waiting for you.
Bernadette: Oh, that's so sweet.
Howard: Yeah. So what do you feel like making?
Raj: Howard, the poor thing just got home from work! Let me get you a glass of wine; I'll cook dinner.
Bernadette: Oh, Raj, you're our guest.
Raj: Don't be silly, sit. You look like you've had a long day.
Howard: No, she always looks like that.
(Bernadette gives him a dirty look)
Howard: Because she married an idiot!
Penny: You know if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
Amy: Little early for alcohol, isn't it?
Sheldon: (On the radio) You know, I don't just say smart things about science, I also yodel.
(Yodeling)
Amy: I'll get the vodka.
Bernadette: Aw, Raj did the dishes!
Howard: How do you know I didn't do them?
Bernadette: Because once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your keys.
Sheldon: To really understand the story here, we have to start at the very beginning: a small town in East Texas, where a young genius name...
Leonard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: That's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific break through: the Doggy Death Ray. Which sadly he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.
Sheldon: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. It stops at Fraudville. Wonder-Blunder-Burg. And Kansas City, because it's a hub.
Penny: (to Raj's dog) Bark once if you need me to call PETA.
Kripke: Cooper, maybe physics just isn't your thing. Have you ever considered a caweer in wetail? That way you could take things back for a wiving.
Kripke: That's enough, Barry.
Sheldon: That's all right, Leonard. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, "Bawwy"?
Kripke: Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? That's pwetty hurtful. I... I can't contwol it.
Sheldon: You're right. That was uncalled for. I take it back.
Kripke: Of course you do, because you're the Wetwactor!
Howard: You're brushing your teeth on the couch?
Raj: No, I'm brushing Cinnamon's teeth.
Howard: Why bother? She just spends half the day licking her own butt.
Raj: And the other half licking my face, that's why I'm brushing her teeth
Leonard: I was only trying to make you happy.
Sheldon: By taking away my crowning achievement? If you wanted me to be happy, you could have told me a joke, or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter being unlikely friends.
Leonard: There is no pleasing you! And koalas and otters don't even live near each other!
Sheldon: That's what makes their friendship so unlikely!
Sheldon: President Siebert, I don't get why you're so upset. You're the one who forced me to go on the radio. I was expecting a scientific discussion, not an attack by some Morning Zoo shock jock. Well, if you wanted to raise money for the university, you should consider a swear jar. Wow, that's a dollar right there!
Sheldon: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.
Sheldon: What's that animal doing in our apartment?
Leonard: Get over that. She's in her crate; she can't get out.
Sheldon: I have two words for you: Jurassic Park.
Bernadette: Raj, this dinner was amazing. If you're here much longer, I'm going to have to buy bigger clothes.
Raj: Nonsense. You need a little fattening up. You've been looking too skinny lately.
Bernadette: Ah. Howie, how come you never say anything sweet like that?
Howard: What are you talking about? Remember last week when I asked you if you were wearing Spanx and you weren't? How's that different?
Bernadette: Maybe you could try being more thoughtful like your friend Raj.
Howard: Yeah, well, maybe you could try being more like Raj.
Bernadette: Oh, really?
Howard: Yeah, yeah. He packed me a lunch this morning and there was a note inside that said "Go get 'em."
Bernadette: Like I don't do enough around here? Now I need to pack your lunch? And by the way, why do you need a note to telling you to "Go got 'em"? You're a grown man; you should know to "Go get 'em."
Howard: I do know to "Go get'em", but sometimes it's nice to have emotional support when I'm going and getting them.
Raj: Hey. Hey. Do you hear yourselves? No more. Calm down and take a step back.
Bernadette: This is stupid. Why are we fighting?
Howard: I don't know. I guess I was just feeling like I'm a lousy husband.
Bernadette: You're not a lousy husband. You're a great husband. I was the one feeling like a lousy wife.
Howard: Are you kidding? You're the best! I know what the problem is; it's him.
Raj: Whoa. What did I do?
Howard: You made us feel like we're not trying hard enough.
Raj: Yeah. We were totally fine half-assing our marriage 'til you showed up.
Raj: Look, I'm sorry you're upset with me, but I just have to say it's nice to see the two of you on the same page.
Bernadette: It does feel good to have you backing me up for once.
Bernadette: I back you up all the time.
Howard: That is- He's doing it again!
Bernadette: What is wrong with you?
Mr. Rostenkowski: What's wrong with your mother?
Howard: Oh, her gout's acting up. Turns out an apple pie a day does not keep the doctor away.
Mrs. Wolowitz: How can one little toe hurt so bad?
Howard: Maybe because that little piggy is being *crushed by the barn!*
Howard: My mom went to Arizona. She rode one of those mules at the Grand Canyon. Long story short, they had to shoot it. 'Cause she's fat.
Bernadette: Hey. Howard says that you've been making fun of him all day. Now both of you apologize right now.
Sheldon: She's so tiny! It's funny when she's mad.
Amy: All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
Sheldon: Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: Don't worry about it.
Amy: Thank you.
Sheldon: Ain't she great?
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Now, hows about you get us a couple of beers?
(Sheldon swats Amy on the rear; she first looks shocked, then leaves smiling)
Leonard: Why won't you sign it?
Zack: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don't have any kids!
Zack: Are you sure? Cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.
Raj: My, my. The plot, like my gravy, thickens.
Leonard: It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about *my* cooking all day.
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?
Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard: You did?
Penny: Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
Leonard: What? You went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
Leonard: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: (laughing it off) No, they're not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Penny: (Looking worried) No, they're not.
Leonard: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon: He's right.
Amy: They're real.
Penny: (quietly) But it didn't feel real.
Sheldon: But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it's on you.
Sheldon: I just vomited on a lot of clowns.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I know I'm hard on you, but you're not the worst son-in-law in the world.
Howard: Mike, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Well, I'm drunk.
Leonard: How am I the bad guy? She the one who married someone else. I'm the victim.
Howard: Sounds like Zack's the victim. You're sleeping with his wife.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Do you remember the Thanksgiving game when it snowed in Dallas?
Sheldon: 1993. Leon Lett blew the game in the final seconds and the Dolphins emerged victorious. Then I finally got to do my calculus.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I was so pissed, I wanted to shoot my TV.
Sheldon: So was my dad. And then he did.
Amy: I can't believe Penny is married to Zach.
Raj: Wonder what she saw in that guy?
Bernadette: I don't know. He's sweet, he's tall, he's handsome...
Amy: ...Broad shoulders, good hair...
Raj: Huh. Wonder what she sees in Leonard?
Sheldon: (belching) ... 2,3,8,4,6...
(then quickly covers his mouth)
Sheldon: That's as far as I can get without throwing up.
Mr. Rostenkowski: (laughing) Well, that's not what was I was thinking when you told me you could burp *pie*.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Did somebody say pie?
Sheldon: Do we really need to go to Mrs. Wolowitz's home for Thanksgiving dinner?
Amy: We do, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.
Sheldon: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged from their homes to work under the yoke of the white man.
Amy: Are you honestly comparing going to Thanksgiving dinner at Mrs. Wolowitz's house to one of the worst tragedies in human history?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mr. Rostenkowski: So if your dad died when you were 14, you were never old enough to have a beer with the man.
Sheldon: No sir. He did try to give me one for my high school graduation, but I was eleven and my mom said no.
Mr. Rostenkowski: So is your dad still living in Texas?
Sheldon: My father died when I was fourteen.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I'm sorry to hear that.
Sheldon: So was the guy who ran the liquor store. He cried and cried.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, the medicine's not working!
Howard: You just took it. At least let it reach your *first stomach*!
Sheldon: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.
Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?
Howard: I'm gonna say not. But that's just based on me trying to turn my mother over when she snores.
Leonard: The math is all there; it's not real
Penny: Yes, it is!
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, look. It is scientifically impossible for a person tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.
Raj: It's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.
Raj: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
Penny: I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
Leonard: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was sixteen in Nebraska, what do you think?
Leonard: I think you're the one who fell over.
Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.
Bernadette: Why don't you go keep my dad company?
Howard: He doesn't want me in there; I'm the creepy little guy who has sex with his daughter.
Bernadette: Don't be silly. He loves you.
Howard: Does he?
Bernadette: He, he cares about you a lot.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: I do crap for you all the time. Get out there!
Raj: Where does your mom keep the Crisco?
Howard: I don't know. Maybe in a wad under her cheeks.
Penny: Why are you making this such a big deal?
Sheldon: Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed he's gotten a resounding no. That's just off the top of my head.
Penny: How do I undo this?
Leonard: I'm just hoping you can get a annulment which is like it never happened.
Penny: Great. Well, what do I have to do?
Amy: It's says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon: (Sheldon laughs) Penny? Next.
Amy: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
Amy: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!
Sheldon: (to Penny, regarding her initial belief that her wedding to Zach wasn't real) At some point while you were there was Las Vegas also on its side?
(Then tilts his head)
Penny: You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean, we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
Zack: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.
Amy: I know how you feel. Sheldon ignored me for a week when he got that Roomba vacuum. I kick it w he's not looking
Penny: Here.
(gives Howard a bottle)
Penny: Thank you for having us.
Howard: What's with you?
Leonard: Well, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
Howard: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? That's,
(laughs)
Howard: that's hysterical.
Penny: (grabs bottle back) I can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.
Raj: It wouldn't be Thanksgiving without an Indian providing the food.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I don't know what's scarier: the bathroom clowns or the woman that put 'em there.
Sheldon: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car.
(Howard enters from the kitchen)
Sheldon: And there's the clown that came out of her.
(Howard turns right around and goes back in the kitchen)
Mr. Rostenkowski: I've kept a marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
Leonard: Sure.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I'm trying to watch the game. Shut up.
Bernadette: Thanks again for cooking.
Amy: Yeah, everything was delicious.
Raj: Well, I couldn't have done it without my two favorite girls...
(Bernadette and Amy beam)
Raj: Martha Stewart and Rachael Ray.
Sheldon: I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse so, di, I'd love to go but unfortunately that sounds awful.
Leonard: I forgot about this; my aunt made if for me when I started college.
(holds up bright red sweater)
Penny: Awwww, did she hate you?
Leonard: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.
Howard: You didn't have Smokey the Bear in India?
Raj: No. Oh, is he anything like Munmun the Mongoose? He taught us not to play with cobras.
Howard: You have to be taught not to play with cobras?
Raj: You have to be taught not to burn down the forest?
Penny: Oh my God! Is that sweater made of bees?
Raj: How are you?
Lucy: I'm pretty good. Listen, I just wanted to apologize for breaking up with you in an email.
Raj: And I ate all the crumb cake. We both make mistakes.
Lucy: Okay.
Raj: I'm so happy you asked me here and I hope we can hang out again sometime. You know, as friends... love making partners, whatever.
Lucy: Oh... um. I'm kind of seeing someone.
Raj: I think I know the answer to this, but to be clear; it's not me, right?
Leonard: If I take off this sweater, Sheldon wins!
Penny: Sweetie, every night you don't kill him in his *sleep* he wins.
Penny: Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?
Lucy: Oh, water would be great.
Penny: Okay. Um, you're Lucy, right? I'm a friend of Raj Koothrappali's. Actually, Amy recognized you.
Lucy: Wow, how's he doing?
Penny: Oh, you know. He's good.
Lucy: Great.
Penny: Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
Lucy: Um, I don't know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Penny: Yeah, I get that. I'll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn't make it easier for him.
Lucy: Any chance I can get a different waitress?
Penny: I'm sorry, this is rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you could do that with me but not with Raj?
Lucy: I don't know your email.
Penny: You know what the worst part is? You're sitting here perfectly happy and he's at home a blubbering mess.
Lucy: I thought you said he was OK.
Penny: Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person. Now, want to hear the special?
Penny: Hey, could I ask you a question?
Leonard: Sure.
Leonard: You've had this dartboard since I've known you, but I've never seen you play.
Leonard: Oh,uh, we played. Once. I broke a window.
Penny: What window?
Leonard: (pointing more than ninety degrees from the board) That one over there.
Sheldon: And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It-it's like a, an itch in my brain I can't scratch.
Howard: (Leonard is scratching his itchy sweater) So you can never take it off?
Leonard: No.
Raj: Not even to sleep?
Leonard: No.
Howard: So you're just an idiot.
Leonard: It's called proving a point.
Howard: Is the point you're an idiot?
Leonard: How about that! Sheldon's being reasonable.
Penny: Yeah, it's freaking me out; I'm going to go.
Penny: Smile.
Leonard: What is that, what is that for?
Penny: So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.
Raj: What is wrong with you, Penny?
Leonard: Why isn't this bothering you? Isn't your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn't this making you crazy?
Sheldon: Leonard. I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
Leonard: Yeah, what?
Sheldon: Seven years ago I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought someday this might be a teachable moment.
Leonard: Ahhh! I... You... Ah... WHAT?
Amy: Sheldon, that was diabolical.
Sheldon: I know. And it wasn't easy. Do you have any idea what it's like to wait for years and never know if your going to finally get satisfaction?
(Amy just stares)
Lizzy: (in restaurant, yelling at Raj) What is wrong with you?
Penny: (in her doorway, yelling at Raj) What is wrong with you?
Raj: (in his apartment, yelling at himself in mirror) What is wrong with you?
Bernadette: If this girl hurt you so much, are you sure you want to see her again?
Howard: If I may, he has so little self-respect and is so desperate for the smallest crumb of affection, that she could literally sleep with his own father in his own bed and post the video to YouTube and he'd still buy her flowers and ask her to be his bride.
Raj: He's right.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
Howard: That's true. You'd rust.
Penny: I'm just having a little trouble with the glue.
Amy: How do you not know how to use glue? Did you ditch preschool?
Amy: Yeah, but only because I was dating a 2nd grader.
Sheldon: It's been pointed out by my girlfriend that I may have been annoying to you.
Arthur Jeffries: She sounds like a keeper.
(Sheldon is skipping through the store)
Amy: Never seen him this happy before.
Leonard: That's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine-cabinet day.
Sheldon: Look! a new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow! I can't wait 'til I get a rash.
Leonard: Ohhhh, Gas-Ex has a new ultra-strength. Guess they really do read their mail.
Sheldon: Hey. Isn't that Professor Proton?
Leonard: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon: Look at him! he's standing in line, like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello!
Leonard: Oh, maybe we, we shouldn't bother him.
Sheldon: I'm not going to bother him; I'm going to talk to him.
Leonard: (to Amy) He thinks there's a difference.
Raj: There are just some things that I feel more comfortable sharing with the girls because they won't make fun of me or call me names or ask me if my Koothrapanties are in a bunch.
Sheldon: Because it's just so happens I'm also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn't that right new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.
Bill Nye: Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It's an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.
Arthur Jeffries: That's what I told my lawyers.
Arthur Jeffries: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Arthur. Did I wake you?
Arthur Jeffries: It's seven thirty, so yeah.
Sheldon: I would've gotten here sooner, but for some reason your house isn't on this map of the Hollywood stars.
Bill Nye: What are you working on?
Leonard: We're making vacuum tubes.
Bill Nye: That is very interesting.
Arthur Jeffries: Haven't you stolen enough from me? Back off, bow tie!
Sheldon: If you're hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can't help you. I've been informed that he's now Bill Nye, the Restraining Order Guy.
Arthur Jeffries: So, you, uh, you have, you have any si- single grandmothers?
Penny: Sorry, they're both married.
Arthur Jeffries: Good. Ha-hap- ha-hap- happily?
Amy: (about Raj and Howard) They're gonna have sex before Sheldon and I do. I knew it!
Howard: Look who's here to put the Jew back in jewelry.
Bernadette: Oh, sure, it's fine when you say it.
Leonard: If you would have told me when I was a kid that someday I would have been doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you.
Arthur Jeffries: If someone had told me that people would still be call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.
Amy: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?
Sheldon: Yes I have. My only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
Amy: Maybe he found you a bit much.
Sheldon: That's kind of a stretch. But when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three. There's the coy smile. There's the friendly chuckle. Ha-ha-ha-haaaa. There's the vocalization of sympathy. Ahhh. Well, that one's tricky. I'm still working on it.
Amy: rom what I saw the other day I can understand why he and... some people might find you...
Sheldon: What?
Amy: It doesn't matter
Sheldon: No. Go ahead. Say it. I know what it is. I've heard it my whole life. The word's annoying. Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying."
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, it won't hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy. Say, "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." Now where are you going? You know you want to say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying." Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say it, Amy. Say it.
(Amy leaves the apartment slamming the door)
Sheldon: Well, she can't stand it when I'm right.
Howard: Hello, all.
Raj: Okay, here we go with the "Raj is a girl" jokes.
Howard: Bernadette said I'm not allowed. So I won't say anything about you or what you do or how you just want to have fu-un.
Amy: So what tools did you bring?
Howard: Everything we need to make jewelery molds; here's some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
Penny: Ooooo, that looks like fun.
Bernadette: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.
Leonard: Dr. Jeffries, hello again, Leonard Hofstadter.
Arthur Jeffries: Oh... oh right, I remember your, your girlfriend. Is, is she, is she here?
(looking around)
Sheldon: This is my girlfriend, Amy. Amy, this is television legend, Arthur Jeffries. His science show inspired millions of children.
Arthur Jeffries: Hold... hold... hold on, you... you have a girlfriend?
Bill Nye: I thought I was talking to a class.
Sheldon: No, what I said was you were teaching someone a lesson.
Arthur Jeffries: (Sheldon has woken Arthur up at 7:30 in the morning) Sheldon, in a couple of hours, I have to get up, pee, and then wander around the house.
Sheldon: Never meet your heroes, they always say. Never peek behind the curtain of fame, or you'll see them for what they really are: degenerate carnie folk.
Amy: He's a retired science kids show host.
Sheldon: That's even worse! Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.
Amy: What are you working on?
Raj: Ah, making a necklace for my mother.
Amy: That's sweet.
Raj: Yeah, she and my dad are going through a rough patch so wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her.
Penny: What's going on with them?
Raj: Eh, they're having a little problem communicating. My dad says it's because the sound of my mum's voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again.
Arthur Jeffries: Can I ask you a question?
Leonard: Yeah, sure.
Arthur Jeffries: Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard: Oh, um, you know. Because we're friends.
Arthur Jeffries: Why?
Leonard: Wow. You ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but you have to remember he's not doing it on purpose. It's just how he is. Oh, but he's also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.
Arthur Jeffries: You know, you're describing a dog.
Leonard: He did bite me once. But in his defense I came up behind him while he was eating.
Arthur Jeffries: They hate that.
Leonard: You, know what. Sheldon is the smartest person I've ever met. He's a little broke and he needs me. I guess I need him too.
Arthur Jeffries: Why's that?
Leonard: You will not let this go.
Penny: How come you've never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?
Leonard: Oh, for starters, you've broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?
Sheldon: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward.
Sheldon: (reflecting happily on the news that Chinese scientists have seemingly confirmed his latest hypothesis) I like China. They know how to keep people in line.
Sheldon: Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me, like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I've got to find a way to stop this thing.
Leonard: Buddy, I don't think you can. I mean, once it's out there, it's out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.
Sheldon: You know, frankly I'd prefer a sex tape.
Leonard: You don't know what a sex tape is, do you?
Sheldon: No.
Sheldon: Oh great. Now I'm worse than a fraud. I'm practically a biologist.
Sheldon: This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and...
Amy: And what?
Sheldon: No. No, no, no, no.
Amy: What's wrong?
Sheldon: I've made a horrible mistake.
Amy: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: This table. It's in square centimeters. I read it as square meters. Do you know what that means?
Amy: That Americans can't handle the metric system?
Sheldon: Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.
Amy: But the Chinese team found the element.
Sheldon: Well, they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.
Amy: So, you just got lucky?.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!
Amy: (mutters) You and me both, brother.
(aloud)
Amy: It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that's ground breaking.
Sheldon: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I'm not a genius. I'm a fraud.
Sheldon: Stop it! I don't need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?
Leonard: Invite them to live with us.
Howard: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.
Sheldon: *Really* don't care.
Howard: I want to do something special and I was hoping you guys could be a part of it.
Penny: Aah, what horrible thing you trying to make up for?
Howard: Just putting something in the bank for what horrible thing I do next.
Leonard: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still what you did is amazing. We're really proud of you.
Amy: I'm not.
Sheldon: You're not?
Amy: Sheldon, I've been thinking about it, and you're right. You don't deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you.
Sheldon: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Penny: Dammit, everyone's better at this than me.
Sheldon: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler, you just made the fort.
Amy: Yes!
(Smiles)
Raj: As I'm sure you're aware, the quickest way to a man's heart is through his...
Penny: Pants! But Leonard says sex doesn't count.
Raj: Hnh. You poor thing. You have one arrow in your quiver, and you just can't use it.
Penny: Boy, Bernadette is gonna love this.
Leonard: Oh yeah, it must be nice for someone to do something so romantic.
Penny: Okay, you know what's not romantic? Rubbing it in someone's face
Leonard: Actually, it can be, but I told you sex doesn't count.
Sheldon: It's all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you.
Raj: You're young and beautiful and men are always throwing themselves at you.
Penny: Yeah, I'm trying to be sad about that; I can't.
Penny: You know, I can be romantic if I want to.
Leonard: It's fine. And also not true.
Penny: OK, just you wait and see; I'm going to romance your fricking ass off.
Leonard: That's beautiful- is that Shakespeare?
Leonard: I do romantic things for you all the time; can you even name one romantic thing you've done for me?
Penny: I can name tons!
Leonard: Sex doesn't count.
Penny: Oh.
(thinks)
Penny: I know; what about that bed and breakfast?
Leonard: Well, I took you there. All you did wa...
Penny: I know what I did.
(pause)
Penny: I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair.
Sheldon: I'm being given credit that I don't deserve.
Leonard: Oh, people get things they don't deserve all the time. Look at me with you.
Leonard: I have to say this is the best Top Ramen you've ever made.
Penny: I discovered a secret ingredient. The flavor packet. That sucker is well named. All right, lover boy. Get ready, fcause there is a crap storm of romance coming your way.
Leonard: Stop it, you're going to make me cry.
(Penny turns on romantic music)
Leonard: All right. You seem pretty confident.
Penny: Oh, I am. Maybe if you follow this trail, you'll see why.
Leonard: Ohhh, rose petals.
Penny: Yes. The most beautiful, and shockingly expensive, of all the flowers.
Leonard: You made the bed; you really are pulling out all the stops.
Penny: OK, I gave this a lot of thought, and I finally found something to show you how much I love you.
Leonard: (he unwraps the gift) Oh, wow.
Penny: It's a first edition of "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". I remember it was your favorite book growing up.
Leonard: This is great. It... Thank you. Hnh... So much.
Penny: What?
Penny: Nothing. I love it.
Penny: No. Something's going on. What's wrong with it? I remember you saying how great it would be to have a first edition.
Leonard: It's true. I-I did, I did say that... when we were at the used book store together, and I saw the first edition and I bought it.
Penny: Oh my God. I am the worst.
Leonard: It's okay. It's really thoughtful.
Penny: No, it's not... I mean... What's thoughtful is everything you do. Here, you know what? Look at this. Look, here's the... the plane ticket you bought me when I was too poor to go home for the holidays. And the rose you left on my windshield... just because. Here's the... the thank-you letter you wrote me after the first time I slept with you. All eleven pages of it.
Leonard: Can't believe you saved all this stuff.
Penny: Of course I did. It's you.
Leonard: Come here.
Penny: Mm
(they kiss)
Penny: Oh.
Leonard: Is that a pregnancy test?
Penny: Oh yeah, just the first one; I didn't save them all.
(sung lyrics to "If I Didn't Have You aka Bernadette's Song")
Howard: (verse 1) If I didn't have you, life would be blue. I'd be Doctor Who without the TARDIS.
Sheldon: (spoken aside to Amy about Bernadette) Is it me, or does she not look so good?
Amy: (spoken aside back to Sheldon) Shhh!
Howard: (continuation of verse 1) A candle without a wick, a Watson without a Crick, I'd be one of my outfits without a dicky. I'd be cheese without the mac, Jobs without the Wozniak, I'd be solving exponential equations that use bases not found on your calculator making them much harder to crack. I'd be an atom without a bomb, a dot without the com, and I'd probably still live with my mom.
Sheldon, Amy, Leonard, Penny, Raj: And he'd probably still live with his mom.
Howard: (chorus 1) Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You supported all my dreams and all my hopes. You're like uranium-235, and I'm uranium-238; almost inseparable isotopes. I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get, from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: (spoken) Oh, Howie!
Howard: (verse 2) If I didn't have you, life would be dreary. I'd be string theory without any string. I'd be binary code without a one, a cathode ray tube without an electron gun. I'd be Firefly, Buffy and Avengers without Joss Whedon. I'd speak a lot more Klingon, Heghlu'meH QaQ jajvam.
Sheldon, Amy, Leonard, Penny, Raj: And he'd definitely still live with his mom.
Howard: (chorus 2) Ever since I met you, you turned my world around. You're my best friend and my lover. We're like changing electric and magnetic fields, you can't have one without the other. I couldn't have imagined how good my life would get, from the moment that I met you, Bernadette.
Howard, Sheldon, Amy, Leonard, Penny, Raj: Oh, we couldn't have imagined how good our lives would get, from the moment that we met you, Bernadette.
Sheldon: Amy. Amy. Did you hear what I said?
Amy: Can't talk. In the zone.
Bernadette: Great news! A raccoon virus just crossed the species barrier and now it can infect humans.
Raj: Why is that great news?
Bernadette: In the pharmaceutical business we have a saying: "Mo' infection, mo' money."
Penny: What're you working on?
Sheldon: Can't talk. In the zone.
Penny: (to Amy) Do you know what he's doing?
Amy: Could be anything. Last time he was like this he figured out electron transport in graphene. Time before that he was making a list of who's allowed in his tree fort if he ever gets one. Still can't believe I didn't make the cut.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, you wanna take a break? Your food's ready.
Leonard: Eh, what are you doing? He's both happy and quiet. Like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.
Penny: Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?
Sheldon: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: But you didn't even hear the details.
Leonard: Sheldon, I've known you a long time, and I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster: Amy's right, you're wrong.
Sheldon: But you don't even know...
Leonard: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: Well, yeah, but in my defense...
Leonard: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon: You're not listening to my side of it.
Penny: OK, fine, Sheldon, what is your side?
Sheldon: (sighs) Well...
Penny: No, gotta go with Amy on this one.
Bernadette: I'm not apologizing to Howard. He can come begging on his knees.
Amy: Sheldon too. If I see him at work I'm just going to ignore him.
Raj: You know, my parents met at his place of work.
Sheldon: Your father's a gynecologist.
Raj: I know; what started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred which continues to this day.
Amy: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
Sheldon: Ja-ah, Sweden. The home of my favorite Muppet and uh second favorite meatball.
(Amy and Gunderson just stare at him)
Sheldon: OK. The Nordic reputation for lack of humor is well founded.
(Amy and Gunderson look at each other)
Sheldon: Boy, is his name Gunderson or Nofunderson?
Howard: Listen to me. Sheldon misunderstood. What I meant was if we worked together, there'd be too much of me for you, not the other way around.
Sheldon: Howard, if you're going to lie to your wife, you don't start the sentence with "Sheldon misunderstood". That's a dead giveaway.
Amy: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
Sheldon: Aw, Sweden. Home of my favorite Muppet and second favorite meatball. OK. The Nordic reputation for a lack of humor is well founded. Wait. Is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?
Amy: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: Oh, please. I'm your boyfriend. Call me Sheldon. That's right. I'm in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It is a physical relationship too. Hand holding; hugging; even on hot days. Ow! Here's an new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?
Howard: My point is I'm sure there are things about me that would drive you crazy if you had to deal with them all day long.
Bernadette: Like looking me in the eye and lying to me?
Howard: Well, uh, come on, I mean where am I supposed to look when I lie to you?
Sheldon: You sure your moth-like personality won't be drawn to this blazing fire that is myself?
Sheldon: That was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.
Bernadette: He said what?
Sheldon: Oh don't be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.
Amy: This project would have us working in close proximity to one another, and there's the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.
Sheldon: My father used to say that all the time. That and um, "who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here?" But what does that have to do with you working at the university?
Amy: Sheldon, don't defecate where you eat means don't have a romantic relationship in the workplace.
Sheldon: Really!
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Hnh. I always took it literally. That's why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant.
Amy: I'm relieved that you don't have a problem with us working together.
Sheldon: Not as relieved as I'm about to be. It's a brave new world, little lady.
(he heads toward the washroom)
Bernadette: Well?
Howard: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it's true. I think if we work together and live together, we'd get sick of each other.
Sheldon: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.
Howard: (angrily) For the love of God, why?
Bernadette: (Sheldon awkwardly heads towards Leonard and Raj on the couch) What exactly do you think you'd get sick of?
Raj: (speaking quietly to Leonard) His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.
Howard: It's nothing in particular. I...
Bernadette: Is it my voice? Am I too bossy?
Howard: (he rubs his right arm) My arm is feeling numb.
Leonard: (to Raj) Nailed it.
Bernadette: That's the wrong arm for a heart attack, Doofus.
Sheldon: (Knock... knock... knock) . Amy.
(Knock... knock... knock)
Sheldon: . Amy.
(Knock... knock... knock)
Sheldon: . Amy.
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
Sheldon: I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: Amy, this isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy: Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.
Sheldon: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you're funniest kind of humor.
Amy: What's your point?
Sheldon: My point is we're a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.
Amy: I like you too.
Sheldon: I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.
(Amy slams the door in his face)
Sheldon: Not even a goodbye. You see, that's the kind of thing that makes people think you're weird. Poor kid, she just doesn't see it.
Amy: What do you want?
Sheldon: Amy, This isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult. But even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions, and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy: Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.
Sheldon: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. Now, uh, introducing myself as your boyfriend, giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, the funniest kind of humor.
Amy: What's your point?
Sheldon: My point is we're a couple, and I like you for who you are. Quirks and all.
Amy: I like you too.
Sheldon: I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.
(she closes the door in his face)
Sheldon: (through the door) Not even a good-bye. You see, that's the kind of thing makes people think you're weird.
Sheldon: (to himself) Poor kid. She just doesn't see it.
Leonard: Laser's warmed up.
Howard: Pull!
(Raj throws up a balloon, which Howard bursts using the laser)
Leonard, Howard, Raj, Sheldon: Yay!
Penny: Awkward silence. Sheldon on his phone. No touching. Somebody's having date night.
Sheldon: Maybe your friend Gunderson needs to head over to IKEA and assemble a sense of humor.
Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching, somebody's having date night.
Amy: It's actually steamier than it looks; Sheldon's looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.
Sheldon: Oh, no, I got bored with that; I'm just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.
Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?
Sheldon: If you do that, I'll scream.
Sheldon: I appreciate your concern, but I won't be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we'll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.
Leonard: Please let me be there when you tell her that.
Sheldon: Why? So you can see the look on Amy's face when she hears my top-notch idea?
Leonard: Please, oh please, just let me be there.
Bernadette: I may have over-reacted
Howard: Well, yeah, well. I didn't handle it so great either.
Bernadette: Just sometimes I feel like you enjoy spending time with your friends more than with me.
Howard: That's not true.
Bernadette: It's not? You spend all day together at work and then you all hang out at night playing games, going to the comic book store. Last week you two got a couple's massage. You said you wouldn't want to spend that much time with me, it really hurt my feelings.
Howard: Oh wow, yeah, I get that. I'm so sorry. Starting tomorrow I am turning over a new leaf. Being with you is my number one priority.
Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
Bernadette: He's never going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.
Howard: I'm just saying I'd never want to work with Bernadette. I mean, can you imagine seeing someone all day long, then you're supposed to hang out with them after work, too?
Raj: Whoa, hold on. We do that all the time. You and I work together and play together.
Howard: Yeah, I know, and it drove me into the arms of another woman.
Penny: That's right. My phone is just as smart as you guys!
Penny: I thought you went to the comic book store on Wednesdays.
Leonard: Uh, yeah, but Sheldon and Amy were having date night, and they don't need me there to make it awkward. They have each other for that.
Sheldon: (to Leonard) You've spent time with Amy. Can you think of anything she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn't noticed?
Stuart: Is makeup really necessary?
Raj: When someone looks at your dating profile, the first thing they see is your picture. Just want to make sure you look fun and full of life and not like a body they just pulled out of the river.
Stuart: What did you put for your best feature?
Raj: My parents' money. Uh, what did you put for your best feature?
Stuart: I put not applicable.
Penny: Why are you so angry?
Leonard: Gee, I don't know; maybe it's because I was always the subject of her little experiments. Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter egg hunt with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking?
(Penny shakes her head)
Leonard: The answer, by the way, June!
Penny: Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
Leonard: I do too, but there's not.
Penny: Really? Are you sure about that?
(she hugs him and kisses his neck)
Amy: Hello, Sheldon, is everything OK?
Sheldon: Yes. Why?
Amy: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries, and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.
Sheldon: April thirteenth. A dark night indeed.
Stuart: That's it. Our dating profiles are live on the internet.
Raj: Attention all shoppers, my business is open for business!
Sheldon: Hang on. You spend time with Amy. Can you think of anything she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws that she hasn't noticed?
Leonard: I gotta go.
Amy: I love "Little House". It made me want to live on a farm so much, I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.
Stuart: I don't think I've ever felt so rejected. And I-I had a rescue dog who ran back to the pound.
Sheldon: (theme from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is playing) So, what do you think?
Amy: It was good.
Sheldon: That's it? Good?
Amy: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be "losing my virginity" I didn't think you meant showing me 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for the first time.
Sheldon: My apologies; I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Amy: It was very entertaining, despite the glaring story problem.
Sheldon: Story problem? Oh, Amy! What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is the lovechild of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I've watched it thirty-six times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene which I can only watch when it's still light out, but. I defy you to find a story problem. Here's my jaw; drop it.
Amy: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I see your confusion. You don't understand; Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
Amy: No, I do. And if he weren't in the movie the Nazis would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up, and all died. Just like they did. Let me close that for you.
(gently pushes his chin up to close his mouth)
Leonard: So how was school?
Penny: Oh, good. Check it out: 'The Disappointing Child' by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard: You bought my mom's book?
Penny: Yeah. It's on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard: Aaaw, come on, not that book! I-i-it's got every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh, cool! Are there pictures?
Leonard: Seriously, please find another book.
Penny: Oh, c'mon, why? How bad could it be?
Leonard: There's chapters about the potty-training... bed-wetting... masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me she wrote about it! Y'know what, do whatever you want. Just don't talk to me about it.
Penny: Not even the chapter on the breast-feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one; she got a little lop-sided.
Penny: Oh my God! You still go left!
Howard: Wow. Sex at work!
Leonard: Hey, leave it alone; that's my girlfriend...
Howard: Sorry.
Leonard: WHO JUST HAD SEX WITH ME AT WORK!
Howard: Damn, how'd you swing that?
Leonard: Well, whenever I talk about how awful my Mom was, Penny will do anything to make me feel better.
Howard: Seriously?
Leonard: I'm not proud of it, but it does work.
Leonard: (entering Penny's apartment) Hey I was just... what is happening?
Penny: (Penny dressed in a nightie) Oh, just a little treat. I know you've been feeling really bad about your Mom lately.
Leonard: Oh, oh, I have. So bad.
Penny: And I wanted to make you to feel better. So I planned something very special for you.
Leonard: I can already feel it working.
(he starts to drop his pants)
Beverly Hofstadter: (Penny turns her laptop around and there is Beverly Hofstadter) Hello, Leonard!
Leonard: (he hurriedly puts his pants back on) Mom?
Beverly Hofstadter: I understand you have been whining about my parenting in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
Leonard: I, uhhh.
Penny: Bernadette told me everything. Now you don't get the left or the right.
(referring to the running joke about his preference for the left in breast-feeding as a child)
Beverly Hofstadter: (Penny leaves the room) Let's discuss why you continue to involve me in your sex life.
Leonard: Oh please, mommy. No, mommyyyyy.
Beverly Hofstadter: When you were six years old you walked in on me and your father naked. I was swatting his bottom with your brand new ping pong paddle.
Leonard: I didn't dream that?
Beverly Hofstadter: How did that make you feel?
Leonard: Penny, come back! I'm sad for real now.
Sheldon: Amy ruined 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for me. So, now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn't enough?
Bernadette: What is going on with you?
Howard: I'm sharing my pain.
Bernadette: And I'm not buyin' it. Try again.
Howard: I'm learning to be a man in a culture where it's increasingly difficult to know how?
Bernadette: Strike two!
Raj: Oh cool, it tells you when someone's reading your profile. Jenny309, I hope that's not her weight.
Stuart: If it is, I'll take her.
Howard: Wait! Wait! If it wasn't for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.
Sheldon: That's true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.
Raj: Like a hero!
Leonard, Sheldon, Howard: Yeah!
Leonard: Although technically Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied; he couldn't even get that done.
Leonard, Sheldon, Howard, Raj: Aw.
Sheldon: Man.
Sheldon: Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there? I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That's strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900's.
(Amy stops smiling)
Sheldon: If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy: (Amy stops the show) You're trying to get back at me for what I said about "Raiders of the Lost Ark".
Sheldon: That's silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone, since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It's more like "Little House on the Preposterous".
Amy: Sheldon, we're in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don't need to seek revenge.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy: Well, that's not how we're going to do it.
Sheldon: Well, fine. I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin "Raiders" for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mitts on it.
Amy: I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Amy: You feel better?
Sheldon: Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He's a cat. He doesn't have a job.
Penny: (after Sheldon explains how he came to the solution of the riddle) Wow. I can drink a beer under water.
Sheldon: And I'm sure your parents are proud.
Howard: Wow, you're really good at puzzles.
Amy: I did them all the time as a kid. As my mom used to say: when you're doing a puzzle, it's like having a thousand friends. She was full of fun lies like that.
Howard: If it makes you feel any better, my mom's just full of pound cake.
Amy: Sorry you got stuck with me. I bet you wanted to be with Bernadette.
Howard: Have you ever played a game with Bernadette?
Amy: No.
Howard: Have you ever gone into a steel cage with a wolverine?
Leonard: Hey, Penny, I just wanted to say good luck, and I hope there's no hard feelings.
Bernadette: (angrily) Hey!
(punches Leonard in the chest hard)
Bernadette: Romeo! Repair your relationship on your own time!
Leonard: I'm okay with you driving my car; I'm not okay with you flying my car.
Bernadette: Don't sweat it; my dad's a cop; used to fix things.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Like *death*.
(everyone is shocked at Raj about the outcome of the game)
Leonard: (tiredly) Are you kidding me?
Penny: (incredulously) That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Bernadette: (huffing) You suck... so hard!
Raj: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon: Great.
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: Hallelujah.
Raj: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard, Leonard, Amy: Aaw.
Sheldon: Come on.
Raj: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
(laughs)
Amy: I guess that story's more sad than funny.
Amy: (scrolling through the playlist on Howard's iPod) The Beatles? Boring. Eminem? Scary. Weird Al? How old are you?
Penny: (to Leonard) You know, I'm surprised you want to copy my answers since I'm not even smart enough to be on your team.
Leonard: Well, why would you want to be on someone's team who you like to call a... I can't even say it in front of Sheldon.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard: You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Bernadette: No, he doesn't. I just made that up.
Leonard: Why would you do that?
Bernadette: Because you were about to quit like a big... Sheldon, cover your ears.
Sheldon: I'm not a child. I know the word "ninny".
Penny: (to Leonard) Yeah, well, you should have quit 'cause I'm still gonna beat your ass.
(singing karaoke)
Howard: Hey, she got the way to move me / Cherry
Amy: She got the way to groove me
Howard: Cherry, baby
Amy: She got the way to move me
Howard, Amy: She got the way to groove me / ba ba ba ba / She got the way to move me / Cherry / She got the way to groove me
Howard: Yah.
Sheldon: Okay. Another thirty feet...
Penny: Oh, it's a bowling alley!
Sheldon: (picks up his bowling ball) Yes! Yes! My brain is better than everybody's!
Raj: Okay, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette: Should we just do couples?
Leonard: Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?
Leonard: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
(Amy nods at her)
Leonard: So, let's do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.
Sheldon: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.
Amy: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?
Penny: (to Raj, coldly, regarding the outcome of the game) Run. Run to India.
Bernadette: Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship.
Leonard: Why?
Bernadette: Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.
Leonard: What does she think I am?
Bernadette: How do I put this? She's been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part... Or a cat... Or a willow.
Bernadette: How am I faster than you? I'm in heels, *and* I stopped to take a phone call!
Leonard: I have asthma. Back off!
(Penny runs into the comic book store, only to find everyone else there)
Penny: Ugh! We're the last ones here! Hurry up!
Sheldon: (coming in, wearing a backpack) It is a marathon, not a sprint.
Penny: People run in a marathon!
Sheldon: Not with a bowling ball on their back.
Sheldon: It's dirty laundry. You're up.
Penny: Why me?
Sheldon: Because you've been training for this your whole life. You live in a pile of dirty laundry.
Amy: Sheldon never lets me listen to music in the car. He doesn't want to be mistaken for a gang member.
Amy: Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do...
Sheldon: Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yes. You're either with me or against me.
Amy: You want to take the bus to work?
Sheldon: Maybe there's a third option.
Howard: What were they thinking, putting Dr. Octopus's mind into Spiderman's body?
Raj: Well, I've been quite enjoying that. It combines all the superhero fun of Spiderman with all the body-switching shenanigans of 'Freaky Friday'... both versions, original and Lohan.
Howard: (mimicking Raj) "Both versions, original and Lohan." You're an idiot.
Leonard: So, am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
Sheldon: I'd like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
Leonard: Where do you think I would take you?
Sheldon: Who knows? You said you'd be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you're taking me to work, but for all I know I'll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
Sheldon: I'm going to work. You can come if you want.
Sheldon: OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.
Leonard: No, I don't.
Sheldon: Hurts, doesn't it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.
Leonard: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in hell.
Sheldon: You say you're from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.
Leonard: Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?
Sheldon: All right, I'll give you that one.
Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.
Penny: I don't know what succubus is, but it has "suck" in it, so that can't be good.
Sheldon: And here's another interesting weather fact.
Penny: Another? Great!
Sheldon: Changes in jet-streams can affect the speed at which the earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.
Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere!
Sheldon: Joke if you must, but you're going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.
Penny: You know, I will miss this.
Sheldon: I'll tell you what. If my apples are mealy, we'll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. You can even push the cart. Please don't take my looking forward to Leonard's return as criticism of the job you've been doing in his absence.
Penny: I won't.
Sheldon: That criticism will come later in your report card.
Penny: Yeah! I didn't stay for the detention; I'm not going to read the report card.
Amy: Do you hear anything?
Sheldon: I hear a woman's voice.
Amy: Is it Penny?
Sheldon: No, it's you.
Bernadette: This is very potent estrogen cream. Have you been wearing gloves when applying this?
Howard: Like gloves would fit these fat sausages.
Bernadette: Your skin has been absorbing estrogen. That's why you've been all bloated and moody and a giant pain in the ass.
Howard: But you're full of estrogen and you don't act like that.
Bernadette: That's because I'm a woman. I've had years of practice riding the dragon.
Sheldon: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. Do you have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?
Sheldon: Hello, Raj. Howard. Judas.
Leonard: You know what? You're a crazy person.
Sheldon: A crazy person with a long memory and, if all goes according to plan, my own robot army. Or a mutant army. We'll see how my genetics research goes.
Sheldon: Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.
Stuart: Happy to. Unless its hope or reason to live.
Sheldon: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown.
Sheldon: That's curious. If there's no one here, why are there two glasses of wine on the table?
Penny: Oh! Well, you know, I've got two hands and a bit of drinking problem.
Sheldon: Of course. Ask a silly question. That's odd.
Penny: What?
Penny: There are take-out containers in the trash can.
Penny: So? That's my dinner from last night.
Sheldon: What's odd is they're in the trash can.
Sheldon: Hey, Amy.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You don't get a hey. You get a hmm.
Howard: I've been putting on a lot of weight lately. I had to buy these pants in the men's section.
Raj: Well, we've all seen your mother. That Butterball turkey was bound to come home to roost eventually.
Sheldon: (thinking Leonard is doing the opposite of what he said) . I suppose you are giving me the other four fingers.
Sheldon: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
(he hands her a coupon)
Penny: (reads) "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon, Bernadette, Howard, Amy: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Leonard: And no-one told me?
Howard: (starting to weep) Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
(hands Howard the coupon)
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
Sheldon: Here's something else you don't know about me. You just hurt my feelings.
Penny: What'd I do?
Sheldon: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me. And you treated it as if it were nothing.
Penny: I-I didn't think it was a big deal.
Sheldon: It is to me. That's the point.
Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I'm really sorry. I should've known better.
Sheldon: Your apology is accepted.
Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?
(holds out her arms)
Sheldon: (holds out his hand) How about a hearty handshake?
Penny: Come on.
(pulls him into a hug. Sheldon pats her back awkwardly)
Sheldon: Now I know how you felt, getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.
Penny: Here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A. I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. After I did it I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon: Ah, I've seen that! Yeah. 'Serial Apeist'.
(Penny gasps in horror)
Sheldon: Howard found it on line the day we met you.
Penny: Ohh!
Sheldon: It was literally the moment you walked out the door.
Amy: Brain lesions are fascinating. Unless they're yours, then they're a drag.
Penny: What's the matter?
Sheldon: Um... Well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams. Like the kind you'd get if you watched 'Clash of the Titans' right before you went to bed.
Sheldon: Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.
Penny: Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon: You over estimate his significance in my life.
Penny: MMMM.
Sheldon: Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup. No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code?
(Knocks "no" in Morse Code)
Penny: OK, I get it. I get it. You're an emotionless robot.
Sheldon: Well, I try.
Penny: (in film taking a shower) Aaah. I'm so glad the police finally caught that psychotic, genetically engineered ape.
Leonard: That is my girlfriend, I swear to God.
Scientists: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,
Penny: His is ridiculous, why am I upset just because he's off having a good time?
Sheldon: Well, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman.
(Penny stares at him angrily)
Sheldon: Is that it? Did I get it right?
Penny: Tell me something about you I don't know.
Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that-that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon: I see.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon: I own nine pairs of underpants.
Sheldon: I want you to be happy too, but not enough to do anything about it.
Sheldon: Here is a hot beverage to comfort you. It's in a to-go cup. Make of that what you will.
Bernadette: To the advancement of science.
Amy: And to the sick and dying who make it possible.
Bernadette: Your boyfriend's kinda... Sheldon.
Amy: And your husband is extremely Howard; what's your point?
Leonard: (on phone on deck of ship in storm) Sheldon! It's not a great time. What do you want?
Sheldon: Hello to you too. I'm sorry, but this is important.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3 case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2 case.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So... Did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?
Leonard: Sheldon, I've got to go inside. It's getting rough out here.
Sheldon: You're dodging the question. I knew it was you. What was that?
Leonard: What was what?
Sheldon: This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.
Leonard: Okay, I'm hanging up now. You know there is no such thing as a kraaaa...
Raj: Do you know I recently read a fascinating article on infidelity among penguins.
Janine Davis: OK.
Raj: So, if the fact that your husband left you makes you feel unattractive, just remember penguins get cheated on, and they're adorable.
Howard: It was better when you couldn't talk to women.
Bernadette: Good night.
Amy: Mm-hmm. It was rather flattering to have strangers send us drinks.
Bernadette: Yeah, that felt nice.
Amy: Maybe tomorrow morning we put on some hot pants and see if we can score us some free omelettes.
Bernadette: So, hypothetically, if, if we were to have gone with them, which one would you have picked?
Amy: I think I would have gone with the short one with the goofy haircut.
Bernadette: Oh, good, 'cause I liked the tall thin one. He seemed intelligent, kind of a loner, maybe a little sexually inexperienced, like I'd have to teach him a thing or two.
Amy: Not my guy. I caught him staring at my rack. It'd be nice to be with a man who wants to know what's underneath my cardigan. FYI, it's another cardigan.
Bernadette: Your short sexed-up guy kind of sounds like Howard.
Amy: Your brainy virgin kind of sounds like Sheldon.
Bernadette, Amy: (Both realized they described the other woman's guy. Both say...) Good night.
Penny: No. Come on, let's talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don't know.
Sheldon: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that, that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.
Penny: How about I go first?
Sheldon: But I don't want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I'd say it's a thousand.
Penny: Okay, look, here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon: I've seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you're going for. Okay, here's one I thought I'd take to the grave.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not.
Penny: That's your big revelation?
Sheldon: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.
Bernadette: This is fun, we never really get to talk shop with Penny around. We usually just end up talking about boys.
Amy: Which is fine, but it's nice to mix it up with a little intellectual conversation.
Waiter: From the two gentlemen at the bar.
Amy: Oh, my gosh, boys bought us drinks, boys bought us drinks. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much.
Bernadette: Be cool.
Amy: You be cool. Guys are hitting on us, and not just to get to Penny.
Bernadette: You're right. Thank you.
Penny: I can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
Sheldon: That you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
Penny: No!
(pause)
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow Hawking, good for you!
Leonard: Well it is. Just... you know I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long.
Leonard: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard: A couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I'd hate to do anything to screw that up.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.
Amy: So after I started dating Sheldon, I met Leonard and then everybody else and they've all been so wonderful to me.
Lucy: That's really nice to hear.
Amy: Maybe next week we could all get together.
Raj: Lucy, you don't have to answer that. Don't put her on the spot; She hates that. Am I right? Tell her that you hate being put on the spot. Go ahead. Tell her.
Amy: Ignore him. He's a little nervous because he doesn't think I understand the severity of your social anxiety.
Raj: Quit it. Are you crazy? You can't talk about social anxiety to someone who has social anxiety. It makes them socially anxious.
Amy: Excuse me, but I'm a neurobiologist. I think I'm a little more qualified than you to understand what's not working in your girlfriend's brain.
Raj: Don't call her my girlfriend. We haven't discussed whether I'm with girlfriend or boyfriend yet. Now that it's out there... are you my girlfriend? By the way if you say no, I'll never be happy again. Not to put you on the spot.
Lucy: I think I have to go to the bathroom.
(She leaves)
Raj: (to Amy) You might as well start now. She's not coming back anytime soon.
Leonard: So, listen, Do you remember when I said the similarities of the equations of General Relativity and Hydrodynamics suggest you could find the equivalent of Unruh radiation in a large body of water?
Penny: I thought I said that to you.
Leonard: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that, and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow! Hawking, good for you!
Leonard: Well, it is. Just, you know, I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long?
Leonard: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard: Couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking'll just roll overboard?
Leonard: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard: Yeah. And... I'm a little worried, because things between us have been *so* great, and I'd hate to do anything that screws that up.
Penny: Well, sweetie, if you're going to screw things up it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.
Bernadette: You know, one of the things that helped me get through Howard being in space for so long was getting married before he left.
Penny: (Leonard looks at Penny) Bernadette, sweetie, shut up.
Howard: It must have been tough for you saying that about Leonard.
Sheldon: It was.
Howard: It must have killed you when I went to space.
Penny: Well, here we are.
Leonard: Yep. Really going to miss you.
Penny: Going to miss you too.
Sheldon: Penny, we're in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We're breaking the law.
Penny: Yeah, there's no space in the white zone, so...
Leonard: Anyway. We can email and I, I think the phone connections are pretty good.
Sheldon: (quickly) All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you.
Sheldon: Would you just relax?
Leonard: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport!
Penny: Did you bring enough inhalers?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on "It's a Small World."
Leonard: Yeah, I'm covered.
Penny: OK.
Sheldon: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made.
Leonard: Calm down, I'm getting out. Something I want to give you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Sheldon: (very quickly) It's just a heart shaped locket with a picture of Leonard's face in it he got at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.
Penny: I love you.
Leonard: I love you too.
(They kiss and embrace)
Leonard: Don't worry officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling drugs.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.
Raj: No.
Penny: I'm so sorry.
Raj: No, it's my fault. I finally find somebody who is right for me and I drove her away.
Penny: Oh. Raj.
Raj: Penny, I miss her already.
Penny: I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too.
Raj: What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever have love?
Penny: You will.
Raj: No. I'm unlovable.
Penny: That's just the booze talking.
Raj: No, no. I haven't had a drink since last night.
Penny: (Both realized what he said and look shocked) You're talking to me.
Raj: I am.
Penny: Ahh!
Raj: Now I'm crying for a whole different reason.
Raj: Come on, don't make me beg. And I'm from India, so I know how to do it.
Raj: So anyway, last night on video-chat I spent like twenty minutes just staring into Lucy's eyes.
Leonard: Sounds romantic.
Raj: It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.
Leonard: Are we ever going to hang out with this girl?
Raj: I'd love that, but she's not really comfortable around people.
Sheldon: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick; I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.
Leonard: How's that working for you?
Sheldon: Oh, like a charm, Unnamed Crewman in a Red Shirt.
Leonard: I do have to ask you one favor.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Sheldon's nervous about me leaving; just keep an eye on him while I'm gone.
Penny: Mm, I don't know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?
Leonard: Well, flush Sheldon down the toilet and get me a new one.
Leonard: Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that's going to stop me.
Sheldon: Very well.
(long pause)
Sheldon: Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.
(Leonard stops the car and stares at him)
Sheldon: I should have opened with that, huh?
Sheldon: For the record, it did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.
Bernadette: So have you been on a boat before?
Leonard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Did you mean the time we were stuck on the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: You know, maybe she'd be more comfortable meeting a girl first.
Raj: Good idea. Bernadette...
Penny: What the hell?
Raj: Well, you're very pretty. That could be intimidating to another woman.
Penny: Oh, yeah.
Bernadette: Hey! You don't think I'm pretty enough to scare your girlfriend?
Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon the genius is actually jealous of Leonard.
Sheldon: I am not jealous. I'm just upset that good things are happening for him and are not happening to me.
Sheldon: I'm not afraid to be alone. On land. On the sea, it would be terrifying. Because of all the drowning.
Penny: Are you OK?
Raj: No.
Penny: I'm so sorry.
Raj: No... it's my fault. I finally found somebody who's right for me and I, I drove her away.
Penny: Oh, Raj.
Raj: Penny, I... I miss her already.
Penny: I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too.
Raj: What's... What is wrong with me? Why, why can't I ever have love?
Penny: You *will*.
Raj: No, I, I won't. I'm, I'm unlovable.
Penny: Oh, that's just the booze talking.
Raj: No, it's not; I haven't had a drink since last night.
(Both realize what he's said and look shocked)
Penny: You're talking to me.
Raj: I am.
Penny: Ahhh.
Raj: And now I'm crying for a whole different reason.
Sheldon: If Hawking's theories are correct, all he'd prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. Me, I'm interested in the big questions.
Leonard: See? I told you Howard was as good a Dungeon Master as me.
Sheldon: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes!
Bernadette: This may be the potion talking, but you are one fine-ass dungeon master.
Howard: Oh yeah? Well, when we get home, I'm gonna take you on a whole different adventure.
Sheldon: Another quest by Wolowitz? Count me in!
Amy: Sheldon, they're talking about sex.
Sheldon: Oh, then I'm out.
(Leonard and Howard have invited Penny, Amy, and Bernadette to join them in "Dungeons & Dragons")
Sheldon: I've just never played "Dungeons & Dragons" with girls before.
Penny: Oh, don't worry, sweetie, no-one has.
Amy, Bernadette, Penny: (chanting in a cab) Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Sheldon, Leonard, Howard, Raj: (chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room) The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!
Howard: The other ogre says, "You killed my brother. Now ogre Thanksgiving is ruined."
Penny: I get to roll next.
Sheldon: Usually the Dungeon Master gets to roll.
Penny: Yeah, well I should be in Vegas eating at the shrimp buffet, so give it.
Sheldon: (Knock... knock... knock) Amy?
(Knock... knock... knock)
Sheldon: Amy?
(Knock... knock... knock)
Sheldon: Amy?
Amy: What?
Sheldon: I've... never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
Amy: You don't have to come in here and cheer me up.
Sheldon: Yeah, w- Thank you. But you could tell everyone else that, because they sure think otherwise.
Amy: I'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Sheldon: Well, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" That's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.
Penny: Who wants drinks?
Sheldon: Oh, we don't drink alcohol during Dungeons and Dragons. It impairs our judgement.
Penny: This isn't alcohol, it's a magic potion that makes me like you.
Leonard: Double potion, please.
Amy: (Penny is talking to Amy through Sheldon's bedroom door) Go away. Sheldon is nibbling on my...
Amy: (sound D&D dice rolling) 14! YES!
Howard: The girls are away, so the boys will play!
Raj: Anything could happen!
Leonard: It's gonna get crazy in here!
Sheldon: (Hoisting box over his head) Dungeons and Dragons!
Amy: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon: Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy: And now?
Sheldon: And now what?
Amy: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon: I have not ruled it out.
Amy: Wow. Talk dirty to me.
Sheldon: I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy: I guess I know that. It's just... a part of me wants more.
Sheldon: Y- More? Why, look at us. It's only been three years; here we are in bed together.
Amy: Come on. Let's go back out there.
Sheldon: Yu- w- no, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
Amy: Okay.
Sheldon: I believe that, uh, we just killed the dragon... and while the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area, where I attempt to remove your leather armor.
(rolls die)
Sheldon: It comes off.
Amy: Oh.
Sheldon: What do you do?
Amy: I... kiss you, on the lips?
Sheldon: I kiss you back on the...
(rolls die)
Sheldon: lips as well. Your turn.
Amy: I remove your armor. What do you do?
Sheldon: I erotically caress your...
(rolls die)
Sheldon: nose.
Amy: Keep rolling.
Amy: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon: Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy: And now?
Sheldon: And now what?
Amy: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon: I've not ruled it out.
Amy: Wow, talk dirty to me.
Sheldon: I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy: I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.
Sheldon: I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.
Amy: (Amy laughs slightly) Come on. Let's go back out there.
Sheldon: No, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
Amy: O.K.
Sheldon: I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor.
(Rolls dice)
Sheldon: It comes off.
Amy: Oh!
Sheldon: What do you do?
Amy: I... kiss you on the lips?
Sheldon: I kiss you back on the...
(Rolls dice)
Sheldon: ... lips as well. Your turn.
Amy: I remove your armor. What do you do?
Sheldon: I erotically caress your...
(Rolls dice)
Sheldon: ... nose.
Amy: Keep rolling!
Amy: Ah, well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette: Long story short, she's on the no-fly list, and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy: I'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you're filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger; I mean, that's Vegas - you nailed it.
Penny: I got a brand new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these.
(gestures at her breasts)
Bernadette: I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither and a can of pepper spray that says "Close enough, Jack."
Amy: I brought some old underwear to throw onstage at the Garth Brooks concert.
Penny: I'm sorry, why old?
Amy: Because the first time I saw him, throwing new underwear didn't work.
Bernadette: (to cab driver) Burbank Airport, please.
Penny: Vegas, here we come!
Bernadette: No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules!
Amy: No rules? We're not going to get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group are we?
Penny: No.
Amy: So there are some rules.
Bernadette: Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
Amy: Thank you.
(yells)
Amy: Vegas!
Howard: The love spell takes effect. When Sheldon looks at Amy, she is the most beautiful half-orc he's ever seen, and he's overcome with a desire to rip her armor off and gaze fondly at her four hairy breasts. When Amy sees Sheldon, he looks... well, just like Sheldon, 'cause apparently she's into that.
Lucy: Can I tell you something? I was so nervous about tonight that I smeared roll-on deodorant all over my body. So if I start spraying sweat from the top of my head, you'll know why.
Raj: We have this rule on the phone that if no one talks for 3 minutes, you can just hang up.
Professor Proton: I'm, I'm awake, right?
Professor Proton: After the TV show was, was cancelled, nobody in the scientific world would, would take me seriously. So I was forced to do these children's parties to make a living.
Leonard: That's too bad. But still, working with kids, it must be rewarding.
Professor Proton: You, you get bit a lot.
Sheldon: You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.
Professor Proton: No, I, I get that.
Sheldon: But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o'clock you'd come to my house on channel 68 and we'd do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist, I could have wound up as, uh, a hobo. Or a surgeon.
Leonard: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way, their discoveries are your discoveries.
Sheldon: You... It's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Professor Proton: Well, thanks. Thanks, you guys. That, that, that means a lot.
Leonard: It's important you know how much you mean to us.
Sheldon: Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.
Professor Proton: Just, just call me 'Arthur'.
Sheldon: Leonard! Did you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him 'Arthur'! That means we're friends!
Professor Proton: No. A, a friend would have, would have told me about the elevator.
Sheldon: Look at me! I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying it's going to ruin my eyes!
Professor Proton: (to Leonard) Is, uh, is he dangerous?
Leonard: Actually, he's a genius.
Sheldon: I am.
Professor Proton: Tha-that doesn't answer my question.
Professor Proton: I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show.
Sheldon: Oh, no, there are no kids. The show is for me! Come on, I'll race ya! ... Arthur!
Professor Proton: Let me get this straight. You two are physicists and you want me to do a children's science show?
Sheldon: Yes! And if there's time, take twelve photos with us in seasonal clothing.
Sheldon: Oh, my God, Leonard! He's available for parties and events! We should hire him!
Leonard: To do what?
Sheldon: Whatever we want! Hang out, do experiments, make him shoot twelve pictures with us for a calendar!
Professor Proton: I just don't want to be Professor Proton any more.
Sheldon: Well, how can you say that? Professor Proton's the best!
Professor Proton: What has it ever gotten me? I mean, I'm, I'm an 83-year-old man who has potatoes in his suitcase. Other scientists think, think I'm a joke. And the, the puppeteer who did, who did Geno, well, he also... did my wife.
Leonard: Sheldon, you know that if you stay up all night, you're going to be sleepy tomorrow and a sleepy Sheldon is a cranky Sheldon and a cranky Sheldon... is absolutely no different than a regular Sheldon. Good night!
Leonard: Mr. Jeffries, I'm sorry. We should've warned you about the broken elevator.
Professor Proton: I agree.
Sheldon: (to Penny) Professor Proton hosted my favorite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. Uh, he demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.
Leonard: It was pretty cool.
Penny: Aw, it's so cute when you use the word 'cool' wrong. Like when kids say 'pasketti'.
Howard: (to Raj's dog, Cinnamon) I feel for ya. I've got a psychotic mommy, too.
Raj: I just found out I have to stay all weekend at the observatory. Can you and Bernadette take care of my dog for me?
Howard: Why don't you put her in a kennel?
Raj: Why don't you put your mother in a home?
Howard: To be honest, she'd do better in a kennel.
Howard: Oh, hey! We were just walking Cinnamon.
Raj: Oh, really? Did you take her down Liars Lane?
Howard: What?
Raj: Liars Lane? A lane frequented by liars? Like you, you big liar?
Sheldon: I wrote you a fan letter when I was a child in Texas and you sent me this autographed picture. Do you remember that?
Professor Proton: I'll give you a hint: I have a bracelet with my own address on it.
Leonard: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here and if you're happy with those, you press this button.
Penny: Got it.
(the toy missile launcher swivels)
Sheldon: Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found on li-
(he is hit in the head by a toy missile)
Sheldon: H-Hey!
Leonard: Nice shot!
Penny: Uh, his giant head did most of the work.
Sheldon: Very mature! You're lucky I'm out of silly string.
Leonard: Do you remember his theme song?
Sheldon: Of course!
Leonard, Sheldon: Grab your goggles, / Put your labcoat on! / Here he comes, / Professor Proton!
Professor Proton: Is the, is the blonde girl really your, your girlfriend?
Leonard: Yes, sir.
Professor Proton: *You're* the genius!
Penny: So, do you do a lot of these kind of appearances?
Professor Proton: I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure out what... what this is.
Sheldon: I met my childhood hero and I get to ride in an ambulance! If we'd gotten to do that calendar, this would be the best day of my life!
Professor Proton: Uh-oh.
Penny: Arthur, are you okay?
Professor Proton: I'm having a... problem with my pacemaker.
Leonard: I'll, I'll call for help!
Penny: Any chance we could plug it into the potato?
Professor Proton: No.
Raj: Uncle Howard! Cinnamon's here for her sleep-over party!
Howard: You do realize that if you have a stroke, she'll eat you.
Raj: And it would be my pleasure to be her num-num.
Sheldon: Do potato clock! Potato clock!
Penny: What's 'potato clock'?
Professor Proton: I run a clock with a potato.
Penny: Shut up! You can do that? I mean, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis?
Professor Proton: No.
Leonard: You want one of us to go with you in the ambulance?
Sheldon: I'll do it!
Professor Proton: He's not a relative. He's not allowed, right?
Paramedic: No, it's not a rule. He can go.
Sheldon: Oh, yes!
Professor Proton: I can't catch a break today.
Howard: (Printing a poster of Cinnamon) How's this?
Bernadette: How did you get a picture of her?
Howard: I didn't. I just Googled "foo-foo little dogs".
Howard: Ready to go to lunch?
Raj: Do you think I'm feminine?
Howard: Yeah. Let's go.
Raj: Thanks a lot.
Howard: What's going on?
Raj: I broke down, and I read Lucy's blog. And in one of the entries she said when we first met I struck her as a little feminine.
Howard: Just a little? That's great!
Raj: I have to talk to her about this.
Howard: Ah, geez, why do you girls always want to talk about things?
Sheldon: Oh dear! Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Answer honestly; this is not a trial. That'll come later.
Penny: Absolutely not.
(quietly to Leonard)
Penny: Help me out here; I can't afford another demerit.
Leonard: Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.
Sheldon: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
Leonard: I don't know... It's a fat guy on a Segway; that's funny everywhere.
Sheldon: I'm deleting it.
Penny: Well, hang on! Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.
Sheldon: I must say, I was skeptical at first, but this turned out to be a transformative evening.
Amy: I'm surprised of how positive you are.
Sheldon: You're an excellent neuroscientist, a wonderful girlfriend, and...
Amy: And?
Sheldon: It hardly matters now, does it?
Amy: I'm proud of you, Sheldon.
(Leaves)
Sheldon: (after closing the door) And a complete sucker!
Amy: (heatedly) You don't know what it's like to feel completely frustrated. To have a - a desire build up within you and then be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy: (sardonically) Yeah, sounds like a drag.
Amy: I've come up with a series of exercises to help with your compulsive need for closure.
Sheldon: I take issue with the word compulsive.
Amy: All I'm saying is we live in a world where closure isn't always an op...
Sheldon: ---tion. Okay.
Sheldon: Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw; none of which will deny me closure. Especially since I'm about to win.
(Amy erases the game before Sheldon can finish)
Sheldon: But we didn't finish.
Amy: Exactly. How does that make you feel?
Sheldon: The same way any normal person would. I feel like I want to peel off my own face and tear it in two, and then again and again 'till I have a handful of Sheldon face confetti.
Bernadette: I'm pretty passionate about science. I remember the first time I looked through a microscope and saw millions of tiny microorganisms; it was like a whole other universe. If I wanted to I could wipe it out with my thumb like a god.
Penny: I feel sorry for whoever gets that phone call.
Leonard: Don't be. If they didn't want to be yelled at by crazy nerds, they wouldn't have started a SyFy Channel.
Sheldon: You don't know what it feels like to feel completely frustrated, to have a desire built up and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy: (Gives Sheldon a death stare) Yeah, sounds like a drag.
Lucy: You're acting all weird, and I'm pretty weird so I think I know what I'm talking about.
Amy: (Has a birthday cake prepared for Sheldon) Make a wish and blow out the candles.
(Sheldon blows out the candles, but Amy blocks one with a paper plate)
Amy: Oops, you missed one. Now your wish won't come true.
Sheldon: Lucky for you, cause I wished you were dead.
Penny: Sheldon, there are two dumplings left; do you want 'em?
Sheldon: Dumplings! Don't you understand what's going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.
Penny: I've got you. I've got Sheldon. All these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard: It's a big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard: So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-con?
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke
Howard: "The key to her heart." Huh. That's nice. Were you quoting someone or is it tattooed on the small of your back?
Raj: I was quoting a *man* who knows a thing or two about women. Sir Elton John.
Penny: (discussing a film) It was fun. It kind of reminded me of my high school. But instead of vampires, we had meth-heads. Ahem. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.
Leonard: All right, cool. I think you'll like the next one better. All the cheerleaders are suffering from an evil curse.
Penny: Well, that's like my high school too. But instead of a curse, it was crabs. Heh.
Amy: You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
Sheldon: (pause as he considers this) I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.
Penny: So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard: The Hominy one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.
Penny: You see that's the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I'm passionate about you.
Leonard: Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again.
Penny: Well I'm serious .Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.
Leonard: Well, those things can still happen.
Penny: Oh, obviously it's going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard: Big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard: So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.
Howard: I think you'll like this security system. High definition camera, twenty-four hour monitoring...
Raj: Now I can watch over my little princess while I'm at work.
Howard: Why can't you just watch porn like a regular guy?
Sheldon: I do not have a compulsive need for closure.
Amy: Oh, really?
(Knocks "Shave and a Haircut" on table)
Sheldon: (after an awkward pause, knocks "Two Bits") That proves nothing.
Raj: This is creepy.
Howard: Oh, I think we were looking at creepy in the rear-view mirror when I put up that camera.
Penny: (about Buffy the Vampire Slayer) It reminded me of my high school, except instead of vampires we had meth-heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.
Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo. I want you to know that I love you're in my life.
Sheldon: (On the floor in ecstasy after undoing all of Amy's closure avoidance therapy) And I love you, too!
Sheldon: They can't just cancel a show like Alphas. You know, they have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.
Sheldon: Hello, uh, is this the Bruce Miller who wrote the season finale of Alphas?... Oh, smashing. Yeah, you already sound nicer than the last Bruce Miller who suggested I have sexual relations with myself. Yeah, now, down to business. Um, your show ended on a cliffhanger. Could you please tell me how you planned to resolve it?... Uh-huh... mm-hmm... I see... Well, that all stinks. No wonder you got cancelled. Bye.
Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Mrs. Davis.
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Mrs. Davis.
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Mrs. Davis.
(pause)
Sheldon: I know you're in there; I saw your car in the parking lot.
Janine Davis: (opening door) What?
Sheldon: I just found out that you recommended myself, Dr. Hofstadter and Dr. Koothrappali to be on the short list for tenure.
Janine Davis: Well, despite your quirks, the three of you are very accomplished in your respective fields.
Sheldon: Don't know what you mean by quirks, but, um, I do want to express my gratitude.
Janine Davis: You didn't bring another gift, did you?
Sheldon: No, no. No, I learned my lesson. I understand that was inappropriate.
Janine Davis: Good.
Sheldon: (holds out hand) Anyway, thank you.
Janine Davis: You're welcome.
(she holds out her hand and he performs a complicated dap greeting)
Janine Davis: I'm going to pretend that didn't happen.
(returns to her office)
Sheldon: Yeah, right on, sister!
Leonard: I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies; instead it reverts to its asexual and then grows up again.
Howard: We thought my ninety-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.
Leonard: My point is immortality is not only a possibility; it is real.
Raj: Only if you're this jellyfish, which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.
Sheldon: If I could keep my Gmail account I'd be OK with that.
Amy: Well. You'll always be an academic success, but... I seriously question whether you'll make any more friends.
Raj: Unbelievable! You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
Sheldon: You're here.
Raj: Excuse me. I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware or whatever his name is.
Sheldon: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
Leonard: Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all.
(to Raj)
Leonard: And you. You said you weren't coming here either.
Raj: I have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.
Amy: I'd like to know why Penny's here.
Penny: I'm here to support my man, just like you.
Sheldon: What are you going to do? Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
Leonard: Do it!
(Penny slips off her coat and is wearing a short black dress with prominently displayed breasts. Raj stares at her)
Sheldon: What? Did she do it yet?
Amy: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.
Sheldon: Well, that's a fine how do you do. Don't just stand there, take your breasts out.
Howard: Ooooohh, meerkat fight.
Amy: You're all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity defying bosom's going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like how are they staying up like that?
Leonard: Way to hit 'em with both barrels.
Raj: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality and whatever Amy plans on doing.
Amy: You know, if you really want tenure, maybe you should cozy up to the people making the decision.
Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not do 'cozy'.
Amy: You don't say.
Sheldon: While I disagree with the premise of tenure if they gave it to me, it wouldn't diminish my output. I'm like the sun. I can't turn this off.
Penny: So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
Leonard: I'm not going to schmooze anybody; I'm going to let my work speak for itself.
Penny: That's great. That shows a lot of integrity.
Leonard: Thank you.
(pause)
Leonard: I'm a naive idiot, right?
Penny: Oh good, you heard me.
Penny: So "tenured" means a job for life?..
Leonard: Yep.
Penny: And you can't get fired even if you're bad at it?
Leonard: Mm, not really.
Penny: Wow, sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Amy: Are Rajesh and Leonard competing for it as well?
Sheldon: Mm-hmm.
Amy: Do they know they don't stand a chance 'cause you're so great?
Sheldon: Well put.
Sheldon: I understand you may have a bad impression of me; so, I bought you a gift.
Janine Davis: Uh, Doctor Cooper, that's not necessary.
Sheldon: It's too late. Get ready to like me.
(Gives her gift)
Janine Davis: Roots?
Sheldon: The tragic history of slavery in America; fun for the whole family.
Janine Davis: Why would you think this is an appropriate gift?
Sheldon: Um... Well... You are black, right?
Janine Davis: This meeting is come to an end.
Sheldon: Because you want to start watching it right now. Copy that.
(Sheldon exits to the hallway)
Sheldon: Let's see. Up next on the tenure committee is... Professor Wu. Get ready for the complete works of Jackie Chan.
Kripke: Wemember when we were twying to figure out what that smell coming fwom Pwofessor Tupperman's office was?
Howard: Yeah.
Kripke: Turns out it was Tupperman. Dead at his desk for two weeks.
Howard, Leonard, Raj: Ugh.
Kripke: In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that everyone donate a bottle of Febweze.
Sheldon: My primary concern with being granted tenure is living with an insanely jealous roommate after the fact. I might need to sleep with a gun under my pillow. Or a chain saw.
Amy: Or, you take advantage of your new found economic stability and move out, buy a house, get married, start a family.
Sheldon: Or... the chain saw.
Sheldon: Excuse me, the whole tenure system is ridiculous. A guaranteed job for life only encourages the faculty to become complacent. If we really want science to advance, people should have chips implanted in their skulls that explode when they say something stupid.
Amy: Should've taken my breasts out while I had the chance.
Penny: So, tenured means a job for life?
Leonard: Yup.
Penny: You can't get fired, even if you're bad at it?
Leonard: Not really.
Penny: Oh. Sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
Kripke: If you need my nose, you'll find it firmwy wodged up the wectum of the tenure committee.
Kripke: Children wuv me. Something about me just makes them waff and waff.
Amy: (after Howard's outburst of anger at Sheldon) Use me a human shield?
Sheldon: I panicked. He looked taller than usual.
Sheldon: (Cleaning the lint trap on the laundry room drier) Yech! It's like cleaning the building's belly button.
Howard: It's kind of ridiculous having to walk all those flights of stairs.
Bernadette: Try doing it in heels.
Howard: I am.
Sheldon: Penny, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you're keeping this dead goldfish?
Penny: Damn. I forgot to feed him... and that I had him.
Sheldon: Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-powered chew toy.
Penny: Party's over! Party's over!
Raj: Nice to see everyone dressed up.
Penny: Well, this party is delightful.
Raj: As is the company.
Sheldon: This shirt is itchy and I wish I was dead.
Leonard: Amy.
Amy: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard: Really?
Sheldon: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy: No it's not.
Sheldon: Don't.
Leonard: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard: Hm.
Leonard: Bernadette.
Bernadette: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
(Howard gets up and walks away)
Bernadette: You okay?
Howard: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard: Well, one of them is.
Howard: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.
(Sheldon is begging Leonard to let him stay and finish organizing Howard's closet)
Leonard: Penny is already in the car... wait, I can go home without you? Bye!
Leonard: Hey. Where have you been?
Sheldon: Oh, Leonard. If I was prone to sarcasm, I would say I was pulling off a major heist at the museum of laundry baskets.
Leonard: (to himself) One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
(heavy sigh)
Leonard: I meant "Golly, Sheldon, you've been gone a long time."
Sheldon: Oh. Well, I was waylaid by Penny, Bernadette, and Amy. They made me reveal confidential information about Howard's father.
Leonard: What information?
Sheldon: I can't tell you that. I am bound by closet organizer/organizee confidentiality.
Raj: Well, come on. We won't tell anyone.
Sheldon: Sorry. Badgering me won't work. What you should have said is "It's pointless to keep this a secret, because Penny will tell us."
Leonard: Fine, then that.
Sheldon: All right, I'll tell you.
Amy: If you let me pierce your brain with a hot needle in the right place you'd be happy all the time.
Bernadette: Wha'cha doing?
Howard: You said clean up. I'm cleaning up.
Bernadette: You can't just throw everything in the closet.
Howard: Hey, you can tell me what to do, or you can tell me how to do it, but you can't do both; this isn't sex.
Bernadette: What if someone looks in there?
Howard: They're just coming over for dinner. No-one's going to look in the closet.
Bernadette: You don't know that. What if someone's looking for the bathroom and they open that door?
Howard: Could work out. For all we know, there's a toilet in there somewhere.
Bernadette: Fine, but after tonight we need to get a handle on this mess.
Howard: Y'know what we should do, we should show the closet to Sheldon.
Bernadette: Hm, why?
Howard: Are you kidding? He's like a savant at organizing. Did you know *everything* in his apartment has a label on it. Including his label-maker which has a label that says 'label-maker'. And, if you look really close at that label-maker label, you'll see a label that says 'label'.
Bernadette: Can't do that. We can't just ask him to straighten our closet.
Howard: No, we wouldn't *ask* him. We'd just show him the closet and let the goblins in his head take it from there.
Howard: (looking at old family photos) Check out nine-year-old Howie with cornrows. Neither race was happy to see me with those.
Sheldon: I can't tell you that. I'm bound by closet organizer-organizee confidentiality.
Amy: Sheldon, that's not a real thing.
Sheldon: Neither is the rule that you have to hold your girlfriend's hand at the movies. But that doesn't stop you from pawing at me like you're a bear and I'm a trash can full of sweets.
Raj: I'm here to make sure your dinner party kicks Howard's dinner party's ass. Now, the first thing we need is a theme. I'm thinking, ah, turn-of-the-century Moulin Rouge.
Leonard: I'm thinking you need a testosterone patch.
Bernadette: I made him tell us.
Howard: Us? Who else knows?
Penny: I know.
Amy: Me, too.
Leonard: Same here.
Raj: Shame on all of you!
Leonard: You know, too.
Raj: Couldn't leave him one friend, could you?
Bernadette: Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients, made it from scratch.
Sheldon: Ohh, you shouldn't have.
Bernadette: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Sheldon: No, you really shouldn't have.
(holds up bag of takeout food)
Sheldon: I brought my own.
Bernadette: You stopped and got him takeout?
Leonard: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
Bernadette: Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.
Sheldon: Well, now don't you feel silly.
Bernadette: (to Howard) Show him the closet!
Sheldon: Howard, do you want your clothes arranged seasonally, or by color?
Howard: Color is fine.
Sheldon: That's all wrong. I'm doing it seasonally.
Bernadette: There's something I have to tell you.
Howard: What?
Bernadette: I know what was in your dad's letter.
(realizing who told her, he storms into the apartment)
Howard: Sheldon, I swear to god I'm gonna kill you!
Howard: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette: Sit down, honey.
Leonard: Raj, you're up.
Raj: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy: Told you.
Sheldon: Don't.
Sheldon: Surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.
Bernadette: Sheldon, don't you dare!
Sheldon: Well, yuh-yuh, there's nothing to worry about; your secret's safe with me.
Bernadette: That's more like it.
Sheldon: (to Howard) Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.
Amy: We need something from you.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Momma told me this could happen to a young man in the big city.
Penny: We need some information from you.
Sheldon: Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me away.
Amy: (Lying on the couch, dressed as Snow White) Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one kiss to wake up.
Sheldon: (Sitting at his desk) I heard you the first time.
Amy: I can't believe I ditched work for Disneyland.
Bernadette: What did you tell your boss?
Amy: Oh, I was very clever. I did it in stages. At 7:00 last night, I called about a problem at the lab and casually mentioned I was going out for seafood. At 9:30, I called and told him that one of my scallops tasted weird. At 11:30, I called and said I was throwing up like a firehose. at 12:45, I called and made nothing but dry heaving sounds. And now I'm going to Disneyland!
Bernadette: Penny, what did you say?
Penny: I work at the Cheesecake Factory. I said, bye.
Raj: (Texting) My father's a gynecologist, so if you're ever in India and you need a "check-up", my father is, as he likes to say, at your cervix.
Lucy: (Texting) That's terrible. Your father should be in a pun-itentiary.
Raj: (Texting) That is a fitting pun-ishment. I still don't know what you do for a living.
Lucy: (Texting) Web design.
Raj: (Texting) Anything I might have seen?
Lucy: (Texting) I don't know. You ever look at porn websites?
Raj: (Texting) No, never. What is porn?
Lucy: Sorry, auto-correct. That was supposed to say prom websites.
Raj: Ooh, fun. I love prom. The romance, the gowns, it's like a fairy tale come to life.
(Lucy looks at Raj funny)
Raj: Sorry, auto-correct. That was supposed to say, I like sports.
Sheldon: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be prejudged: Harry Potter's J.K. Rowling... uh, Star Trek's D.C. Fontana...
Howard: Van Nuys pole dancer D.D. Melons.
Leonard: Nice of your school to let us talk to girls about science.
Howard: Yeah. They're very excited to hear from their most famous student, except for the serial killer that ate all those prostitutes.
Sheldon: Must be exciting to come back to your alma mater as an astronaut.
Howard: I know. I left here a skinny nerd...
Leonard: And now you're also an astronaut.
Sheldon: Oh, hold on. While I'm comfortable speaking about science, I'm not sure I know how to spark the interest of school children. Better Google it.
Howard: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon: (Types) How do I get twelve-year-old girls excited?
Leonard, Howard: Nooo!
Penny: You brought fancy wine and made fondu; I've slept with guys for less.
(Amy, Bernadette and Raj stare at her)
Penny: It's a joke! Based on real events.
Howard: Bernie, I'm home. Did you have fun today?
Bernadette: Yes, and I have a surprise for you.
Howard: Please be Cinderella. Please be Cinderella.
Bernadette: (Appears dressed as Cinderella) Hello, my handsome prince.
Howard: Milady.
(Mimes riding a horse to her)
Raj: I don't know about Disneyland. With the crowds and the weird characters walking around, it reminds me too much of India.
Bernadette: Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark; she's holding on to you...
Penny: Yeah, but you've just have to remember that ride is shorter than you think and they take a picture of you at the end, so make sure you got all your clothes back on.
(Amy & Bernadette stare at her)
Penny: It's a *joke*! Based on real events.
Leonard: We're supposed to be encouraging women to study science. Can you at least play a less sexist game?
Sheldon: I don't see anything sexist. She can handle a battleaxe as well as any man.
Howard: And she has mammary glands that can breast feed a family of thirty and have enough milk left over to open a Baskin-Robbins.
Sheldon: Mother, warrior princess, small business owner, I see glass ceilings shattering all over the place.
Sheldon: Well, I think this whole thing is a waste of time.
Leonard: You mean helping women get interested in science?
Sheldon: No, helping anyone. People should be able to take care of themselves.
Leonard: You mean like when I drove you to the pharmacy, the dry cleaners and the post office?
Sheldon: I'm not against people using tools. Even an otter picks up a rock once in a while to open a clam.
Amy: I haven't been to Disneyland since I was a kid; we should definitely go one weekend.
Bernadette: Weekends are too crowded.
Penny: So blow off work. Go on a weekday.
Amy: Hookey? I've never played hookey in my life. My mom said that's how girls end up addicted to reefer and jazz music.
Penny: More like how girls end up at a Best Western hotel with a thirty-four-year-old guy named Luther.
Bernadette: Joke?
Penny: I can laugh about it now.
Bernadette: We can't all be Cinderella.
Amy: How do we decide?
Bernadette: Simple. I came up with the idea, so I get to be Cinderella. Any of you bitches have a problem with that, I can stop the car right now!
Amy: (Amy is lying on the couch in a Snow White costume) Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.
Sheldon: Heard you the first time.
Leonard: (Enters) Hey, so how was... Huh?
Penny: (Dressed as Sleeping Beauty) I can explain. I played hooky with the girls and we went to Disneyland and got... What are you doing?
Leonard: (Undressing) I'm listening, keep going.
Sheldon: I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds worked side by side as equals.
Leonard: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an inter-stellar warp drive but a black lady still answered the space phone?
Howard: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.
Leonard: Look, I know you guys don't want to do this but we have no choice, so you can either bitch and whine, or we can just get it over with.
Howard: I got whine.
Sheldon: I got the 'b' word.
Leonard: Yeah, well, it's in our contract to serve on a university committee, and frankly this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. 'Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.'
Howard: C'mon, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.
Sheldon: Hello, female children. Allow me to inspire you with a story about a great female scientist. Polish-born, French-educated, Madame Curie. Co-discoverer of radioactivity, she was a hero of science... until her hair fell out, her vomit and stool became filled with blood, and she was poisoned to death by her own discovery. With a little hard work, I see no reason why that can't happen to any of you.
Amy: (yelling at her test monkey) Yeah, yeah, you want a cigarette; well, I'd like a normal boyfriend! Deal with it!
Raj: I kind of have a hard time around people I don't know.
Raj: Really? Then what were you doing at the comic book store that night?
Lucy: I've been trying to force myself into situations that I'm not comfortable with. I saw the flyer in the store window, and I made myself go in. I don't even like comic books.
Raj: Yeah. Me neither.
Lucy: Then what were you doing there?
Raj: I lied, I love them. I only said that so you'd go out with me.
Lucy: You don't want to do that. I'm kind of broken.
Raj: That's great! I'm broken too.
Lucy: Oh, no, you're not.
Raj: Oh, I totally am! If it wasn't for this beer, I couldn't even talk to you right now. I'm a wreck. There are many things seriously wrong with me. And not quirks, either. Like, diagnosable, psychological problems.
(pauses)
Raj: Maybe brain damage.
Lucy: How do I know you're not just saying that?
Raj: Go out with me on one date, and I promise you you'll see.
Lucy: OK. Text me. Bye.
(starts to leave)
Raj: (yelling at her as she leaves) You won't regret it! I'm the most pathetic guy you've ever met!
(to himself)
Raj: And that, boys and girls, is how it's done.
Penny: Maybe this time you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you're all hunched like that you're shutting the audience out, but when you're relaxed and open you're inviting them in.
Sheldon: Right. And which one do I want?
Penny: (Opens the door just as Sheldon approaches) Oh, hi. What's up?
Sheldon: (Uneasy) Um... ..
Penny: Do you want me to shut the door so you can do your knocking thing?
Sheldon: No, I didn't start yet. It's fine
Penny: Okay. So, whaddaya need?
Sheldon: Well, I was thinking about you helping me out last night...
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: ... Penny. And I just wanted to tell you
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny, that the answer to the question "who did a great job" is you
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny.
Raj: From now on, I-I-I'm a monk. I renounce all worldly pleasures. Except for lobster. And garlic butter.
Sheldon: How's the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?
Amy: (as monkeys screech loudly off-screen) Fine. Just hold on.
(yells at monkeys)
Amy: Mommy's on the phone!
(Back to Sheldon)
Amy: Sorry. We've cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms; those guys were mellow.
Howard: I'm telling you, something's wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.
Bernadette: Jeez. How close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard: Don't look under that rock.
Sheldon: I haven't seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps this time we go Latin.
Howard: Just decided he's never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon: Ah, brilliant! I've been itching to pull that trigger.
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents 'Fun with Flags'. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week in honor of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by the Man.
Howard: (to Lucy) I gotta warn you, Raj is a proud, passionate man. If you go running out on him again, you're... only gonna get like three or four more chances before you are history.
Raj: I was humiliated by yet another woman.
Howard: You didn't kill her and chop her up, that's not what we're smelling, right?
Raj: So, then I went to Cambridge, which was wonderful; not only because it's a good school, but because it totally looks like Hogwarts. That's where I fell in love with astronomy and now I'm an astrophysicist at Caltech, so I guess you could say, uh, Raj is my name and stars are my game. And rhyming is also my game. So, uh... two games. Uh, anyway, that's uh, that's enough about me; I want to hear everything about you.
Lucy: I have to go to the bathroom.
Raj: I go to the bathroom too. Sometimes more frequently than I care to admit. Oh, I've had it checked out; it's nothing.
(Lucy heads off)
Raj: This is going great! Can I have a refill on my chai tea? Ah, yes, I've a good feeling about this.
(Lucy sneaks out)
Raj: I should have bought condoms!
Sheldon: A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn't the compliment it sounds like.
Raj: (asking Lucy why a date ended badly) Can you at least tell me what went wrong? It's OK. I can take anything. Unless it's something I did, or said, or am, 'cause those are like my buttons.
Leonard: So, Amy, what's going on with your addiction study?
Amy: Sadly, I'm no longer associated with that project.
Leonard: Why? What happened?
Amy: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own feces back at them, and suddenly you're unprofessional.
Leonard: I'm sorry... that I asked.
Sheldon: So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?
Penny: Um, well, I'm from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?
Sheldon: Gosh, Penny. What'd you have for breakfast, a big glass of good-question juice?
Penny: (Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois) You love her very much, don't you?
Tom: Yes.
Penny: I think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is.
Tom: To be lonely?
Leonard: She's pretty good, huh?
Sheldon: She is, but when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny: ...when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon: She's remarkable.
Leonard: She really is.
Amy: Our Penny's a star.
Sheldon: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?
Sheldon: If our friend the flag's taught me anything, it's to go where the wind takes you... as long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole.
Howard: I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine's Day, since she's been such a pain in the ass.
Leonard: Can't find a card that says that?
Howard: Check it out; I used the atomic force microscope in the materials science lab and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
Leonard: Oh-hoho, that's cool.
Howard: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard: From her micro-husband.
Leonard: (after Penny's ex-boyfriend proposes in the restaurant) Two can play this game.
(Gets down on one knee)
Leonard: Penny...
Penny: Get up!
Leonard: All right.
Howard: So where'd you hide it?
Bernadette: Where you'd never look.
Howard: Damn it, it's in the washing machine.
Raj: Nice that the people who are lonely on Valentine's Day can come here tonight and be together.
Stuart: Yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. In fact, there's no place I'd rather be than here.
Raj: Except on a date with anybody.
Stuart: Literally anybody.
Raj: How 'bout, uh, you keep the store open late, and we throw a party for all the people who don't have dates?
Stuart: That actually sounds kinda nice.
Raj: Yeah, the theme will be that the greatest love a man can have is the love he has with himself.
Stuart: That's good, or maybe something a little less hand-in-pants.
Penny: It's just not fair, okay? They're bad people. It's not supposed to end happy for them, it's supposed to end happy for me.
Leonard: Um, it did end happy for you; you're here with me.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Leonard: Now this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
Penny: Oh, come on, don't make this about you.
Leonard: Oh, I'm not; it's about you.
Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you Valentine's Day sucks.
Leonard: This one does, and you're the reason why.
Amy: (answers her phone) Hello?
Amy: Another medical emergency? What's wrong with him now?
Amy: I seriously doubt he was bitten by a Chinese bird spider.
Amy: How exactly does a bump feel Asian?
Amy: Just put him on the phone.
Amy: Sheldon, I am not driving over there again.
Amy: Because I drove over there yesterday for a brain tumor that turned out to be an ice cream headache.
Amy: Yes, I still want to be your emergency contact.
Amy: Yes, you can eat your ice cream too fast and also have a brain tumor.
Amy: I'm on my way.
(ends the call)
Amy: Brain tumor would explain a lot.
Raj: Hey, Stuart, you got anything going on for Valentine's Day?
Stuart: Not really, other than hiding all the sharp objects around here and white-knuckling it 'til morning.
Alex Jensen: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this
(pulls out harp-shaped music box)
Alex Jensen: beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.
Sheldon: Now, Amy already has a real harp, and it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?
Alex Jensen: Well, I just thought it would be...
Sheldon: (sounding like a game-show buzzer) Nexxxt!
Alex Jensen: OK, um, I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales,
Sheldon: Mmmm.
Alex Jensen: so I found this cool map that illustrates the characters' journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
Sheldon: But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
Alex Jensen: I don't know how to respond to that.
Sheldon: Well, I hope it's with a third good option, because these first two - Bleah...
Alex Jensen: OK. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ram?n y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells, and I managed to find this signed print.
Sheldon: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.
Alex Jensen: Thank you.
Sheldon: I think I'll keep it for myself.
Alex Jensen: What about your girlfriend?
Sheldon: It's too late, I called dibs.
Penny: You'll never believe what happened to me at work today.
Leonard: Mph?
Penny: This old guy was choking on his food and I saved his life.
(she makes a choking sound)
Leonard: You're kidding; did you Heimlich him?
Penny: No, I said "Oh, my God, I think that old guy's choking!" and one of the busboys Heimliched him.
Leonard: You're a hero!
Penny: Yeah, that *was* the point of the story.
Sheldon: My socks are on, let's knock 'em off.
Leonard: D'you know what? That was pretty crappy of you. I mean, all I wanted to do was give you a great night and it's like you, you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny: Yep. I know. I'm a total bitch.
Leonard: I'm not saying that.
Penny: Well, I am.
Leonard: Ah, fine, you win; you're a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
Penny: I don't know. Maybe 'cause things are going so well between us lately and I've been really happy.
Leonard: OK. You're going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny: Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
Leonard: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you'll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I'm going to end saying yes then we're going to be married forever and the whole think just freaks me out.
Leonard: O.K. I know I propose a lot... so, how about this? I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny: What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard: No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yes. It's all on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards; I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny: Yeah, you got it.
Leonard: And I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on the Jumbotron. I don't want to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny: O.K. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard: You do?
Penny: Leonard Hofstader.
Leonard: Yes?
Penny: Will you be my valentine?
Leonard: Sorry, maybe next year.
(Leaves for the door, then turns around)
Leonard: I'm just kidding. Romance ninja! Let's have sex! Whoo-yah!
Howard: She hid my X-Box like I'm a child. Yeah, and my mum got me that for my birthday, so if you don't give it back I'm telling.
Amy: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Sheldon: What is that?
Amy: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
Sheldon: Really?
Amy: Well, that's what you'd love, isn't it?
Sheldon: More than anything.
Amy: Well, then, that's what we're going to do.
Sheldon: Well, I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
Amy: 'm your girlfriend. That's my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
Sheldon: No. No, after everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
Amy: What's this?
Sheldon: Read it.
Amy: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?
Sheldon: At the bottom.
Amy: In case of emergency, please contact... Amy Farrah Fowler. And there's my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could've ever given me.
Sheldon: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
Amy: And you picked me.
Sheldon: It's like you said, you're my girlfriend.
Amy: Oh, Sheldon.
(Hugs him)
Sheldon: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.
Sheldon: Well, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
Amy: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine's Day?
Sheldon: Oh, you got that, didja?
Sheldon: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
Alex Jensen: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I've been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
Sheldon: Oh, no, no. That's not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine's gift for my girlfriend.
Alex Jensen: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
Sheldon: Well, I guess those chaps'll have to have someone else buy their girlfriends' presents. Now, here is, let's see, this is... this is about two thousand dollars. Um, I think she likes monkeys and the color grey.
(Alex leaves)
Sheldon: Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.
Penny: It's just there's so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
Leonard: 'Kay, well this time it's going to be different, because I am like a romance ninja. Hm. You don't see it coming, and then Bam! Romance! Watch out! Hearts! Kisses! Love! Boo-yah!
Penny: You know, sometimes I think I've made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.
Raj: Excuse me, everybody! Can I have your attention please? We're all here tonight because we have no one to be with. But, this doesn't make us mutants. The only mutants here are in these comic books. We gotta to stop defining our self-worth by whether or not we're in a relationship. You know what I see when I look around? I see a room full of great people. So let's give ourselves a break! We are a community, and as long as we have each other, we're never truly alone.
(Crowd claps)
Lucy: That was cool, what you said.
Raj: You really think so?
Lucy: Yeah, I do.
Raj: Thank you. Would you like to, ah, get a cu, a cup of coffee?
Lucy: OK.
Raj: Later, losers!
Dale: Usually, I spend Valentine's Day sad and alone. This year, I'm just sad.
Penny: As much as I want to live with you, I can't do it knowing how much Sheldon needs you.
Leonard: Please. The only thing he needs me for is to be his whipping boy, his... his stooge, his doormat.
Penny: Well, you know what they say, if it ain't broke...
Howard: (On FaceTime) Hey. How'd it go last night with my mom?
Raj: Okay, I guess.
Howard: What time did you leave?
Raj: Actually, I'm still here.
Howard: What? You spent the night?
Raj: Yeah. After dinner, we watched a rerun of Rockford Files and then she opened a bottle of cream sherry and the next thing I know she was tucking me into your bed.
Howard: You wore my pajamas?
Raj: Mm-hm. How do you sleep in these things? Silk pajamas on satin sheets? I slid out of the bed like three times.
Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Bert and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about *words* and *numbers*.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I ran you a bath!
Raj: Oh, my God! She's not going to bathe me, is she?
Howard: Gee, I wish I could tell you no.
Mrs. Wolowitz:
Raj: Has Bernadette found a cure for something?
Howard: In a way. She was working on a dandruff shampoo that has the unfortunate side effect of horrible anal leakage.
Raj: That's too bad. But then, is there any good anal leakage?
Howard: On the upside, they decided to market it as a constipation remedy.
Raj: Way to make lemonade. You know, around the corner where fudge is made.
Sheldon: (knock-knock-knock) Good buddy Leonard.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Good buddy Leonard.
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Good buddy Leonard.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Are you ready for dessert?
Raj: No thank you, Mrs. Wolowitz. As it is, I'm going to have to carry my stomach out of here like I'm a fireman rescuing an infant.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, please. You're a tall glass of brown water.
Leonard: I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long; these are great. Just started number six.
Sheldon: That's a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one.
(Leonard stares at him, dumbfounded)
Sheldon: Yeah, I know; I didn't see it coming either.
Leonard: Why would you say that?
Sheldon: You brought up the subject; I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. 'Kay, your turn.
Leonard: That was a huge spoiler.
(throws the book aside)
Sheldon: Good.
Leonard: What is wrong with you? If I did that you'd bitch about it for weeks.
Sheldon: Really, Leonard, are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
Leonard: Hissy fit? *I* have hissy fits?
Sheldon: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.
Leonard: You are unbelievable! I don't know why I put up with you. You know, you're controlling, you're irritating...
Sheldon: There you go again! Nag, nag, nag! You're only proving my point, little lady.
Leonard: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon! You are the most annoying person I ever met.
Sheldon: Wha- I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. "Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast." "Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch." "Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts cause you think they're ugly." You're impossible.
Leonard: That's it. I don't. I don't have to put up with this.
Sheldon: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.
Leonard: Aaaw, here's what I think of your roommate agreement!
(he throws it in the waste-paper basket)
Sheldon: (Sheldon gasps) You pick that up right now.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: You- Roommate agreement, section twenty-seven, paragraph five: "The roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground."
Leonard: I don't care. I don't have to do anything you say because... I don't think I want to live here any more.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: To live with Penny, and not you, you crazy bastard.
Raj: You were right. I can't get out of here!
Howard: You're still at my mother's?
Raj: I'm trapped! My clothes have been in the laundry all day and she hid my keys. I think they might be in her bra because she jingles when she walks.
Leonard: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
Leonard: Well, I've had it. I am done. I can't, I can't live with him for one more minute.
Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?
Leonard: I was thinking here with you.
Penny: (Looks shocked) Oh.
Leonard: That a problem?
Penny: No, not at all. No, it's, it's great. It's terrific. I, you know, I just can't help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how's he going to get by without you? Ernie.
Howard: Here's some more ice.
Bernadette: Oh, thanks.
Howard: What were we thinking? We should have just done it the regular way.
Bernadette: Those Chinese acrobats in Cirque du Soleil made it look so easy.
Howard: Honestly, if I could bend that far, what would I need with you?
Bernadette: If you could bend that far, you'd be doing us both a favor.
Leonard: Since when don't you want to live with me?
Penny: Oh, don't get all huffy. You're the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.
Leonard: Let's talk about that.
Sheldon: Hello, homewrecker.
Penny: What did I do?
Sheldon: You gave Leonard somewhere to go. Thanks to you, Amy's out buying "his" and "hers" bath towels. Like I'd ever dry myself with something that has a possessive pronoun on it.
Howard: My mom's been kind of an emotional wreck since that dentist she was dating dumped her.
Raj: Dumped her? What did he use, a forklift?
Leonard: Sorry, you're too late. And spoiler alert, I'm about to slam this door on your face.
Amy: So, what's your plan moving forward?
Sheldon: I suppose I'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy: No.
Sheldon: It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy: Like a dog boy.
Sheldon: Exactly.
Amy: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
Sheldon: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.
Amy: Great! Here I am!
Sheldon: Wait. Here who is where?
Amy: Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger. We're intellectually compatible. I'm willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rave inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.
Sheldon: Um.
Amy: See, you can't. I'm going to see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.
Sheldon: Um.
Sheldon: You can't live here.
Amy: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.
Sheldon: It's not the message.
Amy: What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Sheldon: You did.
Amy: THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you're ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can't live here.
Sheldon: It's Penny's fault.
Amy: What?
Sheldon: She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy.
Howard: Seriously, if you don't leave now you'll never get out.
Raj: I can leave anytime I want to.
Howard: Oh, yeah? Where are your clothes and shoes right now?
Raj: They're in that chair right over...
(looks at chair; the clothes are not there)
Raj: Oy, vey!
Amy: You're a coward!
Sheldon: Well, the evidence does seem to support that.
Leonard: He's got Amy now.
Penny: Yeah, he does, but... it's not the same.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Um... well, um... all right, you... you remember in "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" Ron didn't abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron's sister?
Leonard: (exasperated by another spoiler) Harry and Ginny get together?
Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert!
Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
Sheldon: That's awfully personal.
Leonard: We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Sheldon: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny: So, what's the problem?
Sheldon: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?
Sheldon: (a long pause) It's a possibility.
Penny: (silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder) Oh, my God!
(Out loud)
Penny: Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon: Hey.
(Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement)
Leonard: Oh, no!
(Star Wars' Darth Vader theme is playing)
Penny: What is that?
Leonard: That is Sheldon's "I'm unhappy and about to destroy the planet" music. Hey, let's just go to your place.
Penny: Well, wait, if he's unhappy shouldn't we talk to him?
Leonard: Shouldn't we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?
Penny: Want me to make you some tea?
Sheldon: Tea is for when I'm upset; I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.
Leonard: So, cocoa?
Sheldon: Yes, cocoa!
Howard: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?
Sheldon: Would it come with kung-fu grip?
Howard: No.
Sheldon: Don't waste my time.
Leonard: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense! Now go put your clothes on, get in the car and let's go to work!
Sheldon: All right, geez! What a grouch.
Leonard: How did I do that? I gotta remember how I did that.
Bernadette: Howie, we can't afford to waste money on junk like this.
Howard: What are you talking about? We make plenty of money.
Bernadette: *I* make plenty of money! You make peanuts!
Howard: Yes, but we're married now. That means when you get sick, I take care of you. And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff. Sorry if you don't like it, but that's how love works.
Bernadette: No, here's how love works. You're going to return the machine, or you can print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those.
(seeing his look of contemplation)
Bernadette: Oh, my god! Are you actually thinking about it?
Raj: (Opening the package with his and Howard's action figures) Say hello to an exact scale model of me.
(Raj's figure looks like a black man)
Raj: Ohhh, I'm not dark chocolate! I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel!
Howard: (Howard's action figure has a huge nose) Oh, man! Look at my nose!
Leonard: Maybe it's a shipping problem.
Howard: What?
Leonard: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
Sheldon: If Kripke asks, tell him my coitus with Amy is frequent, intense, and whimsically inventive.
Leonard: (to Penny) Is my coitus whimsically inventive?
Penny: That is what I write on the bathroom walls. For a whimsically inventive time, call Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: I know you're joking, but I'd be okay with that.
Sheldon: Don't look at my board!
(Flips board over; the other side has a drawing of a train)
Kripke: What's that?
Sheldon: That's a drawing of a really cool train. You don't look at that either!
Sheldon: How do I know you're not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?
Kripke: How do I know you're not going to do that with mine?
Sheldon: Because I'm not interested in getting published in Mad Magazine.
Sheldon: (to Penny) Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who is so incredibly annoying?
Leonard: (raises hand) Oh, teacher, me! Me!
Raj: Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman, instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
Kripke: I have some bad news. You're working on a grant proposal for a new fusion weactor. I'm working on a gwant pwoposal for a new fusion weactor. The university is only awowed to submit one proposal.
Sheldon: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out; that's hard cheese, Barry. You were one of the good ones.
Kripke: No, they're making us work together.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous! I have one of the great minds or our generation. I work on a level so rarefied you couldn't even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!
Sheldon: I read his research, and... it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy!
(starts crying)
Amy: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
Sheldon: What do we have to lose?
(Amy hugs him tightly)
Amy: How's that?
Sheldon: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor.
(Amy lets go)
Sheldon: Why'd you stop?
(Amy hugs him again)
Kripke: Don't pway dumb with me. We both know what your probwem is
Sheldon: We do?
Kripke: You have a girlfwiend.
Sheldon: So?
Kripke: So my work would suffer too if I was getting waid all the time.
Howard: Can you please make that out to Bernadette? I was taken off the joint account until I learn the value of money.
Leonard: (Howard and Raj are disappointed about how their action figures turned out) Hmm, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.
Leonard: Sheldon, your food's getting cold.
Sheldon: I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.
Penny: Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.
Howard: Oh, good. You're home. Got a little surprise for you.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: (showing her an action figure of himself) Say hello to my little friend.
Bernadette: Oh, my god. That's so cute. I didn't think there could be a smaller version of you.
Howard: I know, right? And thanks to photographs and a little 3D modeling...
(he shows her a figurine of herself)
Howard: ...here comes the bride.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie, I love these.
Howard: I thought you might.
Bernadette: Were they expensive?
Howard: Didn't cost a thing. I made them myself.
Bernadette: How?
Howard: Koothrappali and I bought a used 3D printer for $5,000.
Bernadette: $5,000 for a couple of dolls? Are you out of your mind?
Kripke: Yeah, yeah. Was she naked or was she wearing wangeway?
Sheldon: I didn't notice.
Kripke: How could you not notice?
Sheldon: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.
Kripke: Ahh, you're killing me, Cooper!
Sheldon: Can we get back to work?
Kripke: Sure, sure.
(pause)
Kripke: You guys ever use any toys?
Sheldon: Toys? I live with a model rocket next to my bed.
Kripke: A wocket? You're a fweak! I wuv it.
Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits.
Leonard: Well, sometimes there's a secret ending, like in The Avengers.
Penny: Leonard, I don't think that's going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust.
Leonard: They could show bloopers.
Amy: The monkey in my tobacco study has taken to smoking a pipe. I'm supposed to remove his brain to examine, but it's hard because now he reminds me of my uncle.
Howard: Bernadette has a great job. My wife came with both funbags and moneybags.
Penny: Ah, the best! You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday you got a problem. You do it on a weekend you got brunch.
Amy: Sheldon doesn't believe in brunch. He can't stand being at a table where one person's having an omelet and another person's having a sandwich.
Amy: You can't pick something up in outer space. In space, there is no up.
Penny: Oh, yeah? Then how does the sun come up every day?
Amy: Hard to argue with those kind of street smarts.
(Mrs. Wolowitz is sending a rental car for Howard, Sheldon, Raj, and Leonard after their car gets stolen)
Raj: Did we at least rent the car from Enterprise?
(no one laughs)
Raj: Get it? Enterprise.
(still no one laughs)
Raj: Screw you, that's funny.
(Penny, Amy & Bernadette have just entered the Comic Store)
Bernadette: Why are they staring?
Amy: Who cares? Just soak it in.
(huskily, stroking her hair)
Amy: Hello, boys.
Stuart: Oh. Hey!
(looks around at the customers)
Stuart: Could we stop staring? They're just girls; nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
GPS with Sheldon's Voice: Fun fact. President Eisenhower signed the Federal Aid Highway Act from his hospital room.
Car Thief #1: Wow. That is interesting.
ar Thief #2: You learn something new every day.
GPS with Sheldon's Voice: Say, can you name the four state capitals that are not served by the Interstate system?
Car Thief #1: Ooh, another quiz.
Leonard: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?
Sheldon: Yeah, uh, interesting. Do you recall this conversation? "Leonard, want to go halvesies on a steamer?" "No, Sheldon we don't need a steamer." Looks like that rumpled chicken's come home to roost.
Penny: (Comes in) Hi, here are the makeup sponges you asked for.
Leonard: Oh, thanks. I thought I had more.
Penny: (Looks in his makeup case, which he had just opened) Damn, you've got more makeup than I do. You got better makeup than I do.
(Takes something)
Penny: Yeah, I'm borrowing this.
Leonard: (Gently takes it back from her) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.
Sheldon: That's a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest, got a terrible case of pinkeye. Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie; I won second place.
Penny: I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
Leonard: That was San Diego Comic-Con; this is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
Penny: Is that better?
Leonard: Mm, it's a lot smaller. It's more about the comics books, the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
Sheldon: So to answer your question, no, it's not better.
Penny: Well then why are you going?
Sheldon: It's a comic book convention. Like pizza or particle accelerators even the stinky ones, still pretty good.
Penny: (Referring to Amy and Bernadette's argument that if another superhero picks up Thor while he's picking up the hammer, then that superhero is picking up the hammer) Okay, wait. If I pick up a guy at a bar, and then he picks up another girl and we all leave together, did I pick up the girl?
Amy: (Hopefully) Did that actually happen?
Penny: (Avoiding the question) Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?
(stranded in the hot desert with Leonard, Sheldon, and Raj)
Howard: I wish my mom was here. We could all hang out in her shadow.
Sheldon: What if we were to get in a car with a crazy person?
Leonard: Look at us, Sheldon. We're the crazy people!
Stuart: Let's see. Well, you got your basic clean good guys, Superman, Spiderman, Captain America. Then you have your darker anti-heroes, your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy: Oh, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: As evidence by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.
Sheldon: Just because you're wearing a captain's uniform, you're in charge?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Alright.
Amy: How can Red Hulk be worthy?
Bernadette: YOU DON'T KNOW HIS LIFE!
Bernadette: (Amy, Bernadette, and Penny enter the comic store the guys often go to, and every male stops what they're doing and stares at them in shock)
(Obviously uncomfortable)
Bernadette: Why are they staring?
Amy: Who cares? Just soak it in.
(Then starts walking around, moving her hair from over her ear, then says the next line as if she were a 1940s girl talking to sailors)
Amy: Hello boys.
Stuart: (Comes out of the back room and sees the girls) Oh, hey.
(Then notices all the guys looking at them)
Stuart: Would you please stop staring? They're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey Stuart.
Stuart: Well, what brings you girls here?
Bernadette: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart: Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
Penny: No, we were wondering why the guys like the stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Stuart: (as he speaks the next line, some of the customers start looking at the girls again) Oh ok, well what do you think you might be in to? Superheroes? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga?
(Turns on the others without taking a breath)
Stuart: I swear I will turn a hose on you!
(They scatter)
Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy: Alright, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart: (Frantically) Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here? Are you trying to start a rumble?
Penny: Well, what do you recommend?
Stuart: Oh, well um, you got your basic clean-cut good guys, like Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America, then you got your darker "anti-heroes", like Batman, Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy: Oooo, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: (Matter-of-factly) As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.
Stuart: (Presenting a comic) If I were you, I'd go for Fables #1. The artwork is sophisticated, it's intelligently written, and it doesn't objectify or stereotype women.
Penny: (Distracted by another comic) Oooo, Thor! He's hot!
Stuart: Yeah, he kind of is.
Bernadette: What if the Hulk picked up Thor while Thor is holding the hammer?
Amy: Yeah?
Bernadette: Then by the transitive property of picking things up, Hulk picked up the hammer!
Amy: No, Hulk picked up Thor, *Thor* picked up the hammer.
Bernadette: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart: Um... a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy: Okay, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart: Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble?
Officer Reynolds: (taking Leonard's police report) Do you need me to call anyone? I'm guessing your moms?
Leonard: Thanks, we've got it covered.
Howard: (entering) Okay, I just talked to my mom.
Amy: (arguing with Penny and Bernadette about a comic book) It says right here on the hammer "Whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor."
Bernadette: Well, hold on. Who decides who's worthy? Does the hammer decide?
Amy: (simultaneously with Penny) No.
Penny: Yes.
Amy: It can't decide. It's a hammer.
Penny: You said it's a magic hammer.
Amy: Yeah, but it... it can't make decisions.
Penny: If Harry Potter's wand can make decisions, why can't Thor's hammer?
Amy: Okay, if you're gonna start comparing wands and hammers, I can't even take you seriously.
Alex Jensen: What did I do?
Sheldon: You don't know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy-juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
Alex Jensen: What! I didn't make a sexual advance on anybody.
Sheldon: Yo, now there's no need to get defensive. Look, I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. You- my father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex Jensen: What?
Sheldon: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.
Alex Jensen: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon: You and me both, sister.
Janine Davis: That's it. All of you, in my office, now!
Sheldon: Thanks to you I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior I don't have to.
Leonard: Can I tell you a secret?
Penny: Wha's up?
Leonard: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell *you* a secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk and we're all going to stop.
Leonard: (mimicking Shatner) Message. Received.
Sheldon: The next time you fall prey to your reproductive urges, please feel free to leaf through this book of sexually transmitted diseases. For example, check out this oozy doozy.
Alex Jensen: I'm afraid I have to go.
Sheldon: So does this guy, but he can't without it burning like hot soup.
Sheldon: Actually, I'm here to file a complaint. Someone has used sexual language that I found to be offensive.
Janine Davis: And who would that be?
Sheldon: You, you dirty birdy! I've been thinking about those things you said to me yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that they've made me very uncomfortable. So be a dear and grab me one of those complaint forms.
Howard: Are you sure you should be drinking now?
Raj: How else am I supposed to talk to the human resources lady?
Howard: I don't know. Seek professional help?
Raj: I did. The guy at the liquor store told me this goes great with coffee.
Sheldon: You remember when you told me I talk in my sleep? Well, it occurred to me that like most things I say, it's probably pure gold. So I started recording it all and now Alex gets to comb through 8 hours of what I like to call "Sheldon After Dark".
Leonard: Did you tell something to Penny about me and Alex?
Sheldon: Yes, and a fat lot of good it did me. It just made her angry at you.
Sheldon: The university has mandated that I take an online sexual harassment seminar so this sort of thing doesn't happen in the future.
Alex Jensen: Okay.
Sheldon: Now unfortunately, my time is much too valuable to waste on nonsense like this. So, I'm gonna need you to take it for me.
Raj: Leonard stole my woman and he knows full well I was only 6 to 8 months away from making my move.
Sheldon: Howard Wolowitz, he spent 2 years using university resources building a six-breasted sex robot.
Sheldon: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was skeptical.
Leonard: I can't blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.
Sheldon: Oh no, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I've never felt so alive.
Sheldon: I needed advice about a woman, and I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything it's that you can't tell a uterus from a unicycle.
Leonard: (singing) I'm sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. Sorry Alex hit on me, I'd no idea I'm cute.
Penny: Oh, damn it, you are.
Leonard: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny: I don't care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard: You do that?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that's my thing, and if you take it away, I don't know what I'm bringing to this relationship.
Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard: No, not happy.
Penny: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: I'm sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny: Well, I do.
Penny: I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalog at school and looked at some of the scence classes.
Leonard: That's great.
Penny: No, it isn't; they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself every day. Anyway, I decided I don't need to be a scientist; I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Leonard: Glasses?
(as Penny puts the glasses on)
Leonard: I really don't think that's going to change- Oh my God, you look so smart and hot!
Penny: I know, right? Watch this.
(pulls the glasses down so she is peering over them)
Penny: Molecules.
Leonard: Okay, come with me.
Penny: Where are we going?
Leonard: My bedroom, so I can take off everything but those glasses. And maybe the boots.
Janine Davis: Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don't even know what that means, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell you you can't say it.
Sheldon: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You're a slave.
Janine Davis: I'm a what?
Sheldon: Well, y-you, I-I'm just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman's menstrual cycle...
Janine Davis: Whuh-ah! Woah! You can't talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I'm gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.
Bernadette: If she's doing something that's making Leonard uncomfortable, you should talk to her.
Sheldon: Oh no, he's not uncomfortable at all. No, he's loving it. He's struttin' around like he's 5 foot 6.
Amy: I got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with nothing to lose. She might find one in the back of my car. Or in her shower.
Sheldon: Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslaus from the Christmas carol.
Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.
(the girls are proposing they find a girl for Raj)
Raj: A couple of things: Don't tell them I come from money; I want them to love me for me. They must be *insanely* hot, like nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj: OK, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hottub.
Bernadette: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
Raj: In a New Delhi minute.
Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
Penny: See you, boys, we're going drinking.
Raj: Wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.
Amy: Maybe another time.
(Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave)
Leonard: (continuing the game) Okay.
Penny: (sticking her head back into the apartment) Come on.
Raj: (leaping off the couch) Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!
(the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj)
Stuart: How does he not hear that?
Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn't amazing. Got a C-minus four years in a row.
Sheldon: I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.
Raj: (playing Dungeons & Dragons) Oh, man, the first monster I see, I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass.
Stuart: (embarrassed silence from the room) Do you hear yourself when you say these things?
Raj: I'm always attracted to women I can't have; I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.
Amy: The two of them? I don't understand.
Raj: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me too because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me, but apparently I misread those signals.
Amy: And you like Bernadette also?
Raj: Uh, that was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm very old-fashioned that way.
Stuart: What's wrong with Christmas?
Sheldon: (wearily) Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors, overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas". And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard: Pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon: Actually, that helps. Thank you.
Raj: (after his D&D character is killed) Doesn't anyone have a Rod of Resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me!
Stuart: (another embarrassed silence) Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.
Sheldon: (reading instructions) "Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres." That's a saucy twist! "That leader's name: Santa Claus." No, no, no!..
Leonard: It's actually "ho, ho, ho", but you'll get the hang of it. Thought it'd be fun to make a holiday-themed quest.
Sheldon: Mixing Dungeons & Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.
Penny: Hey guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette.
(Bernadette sashay's into the room)
Penny: Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21.
(Bernadette exits and Amy strides in)
Penny: And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.
(Penny removes her coat)
Penny: And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
Sheldon: I know they're making a rhetorical point; I just don't know what it is.
Santa: (Santa is standing by a cannon that is pointed at Sheldon) Ho, ho ho, ya big *dork*!
(fires the cannon)
Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year round. I've been known to enjoy this poolside.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories and the carols, you've got an eggnog mustache going on there. Just admit it, you're getting a little yuletide spirit.
Sheldon: Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry.
Penny: (reading directions) OK now, holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard: I consider I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You're so butch.
Leonard: Oh, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did; your hands are softer than veal.
Leonard: Oh, uh, before I forget: Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really! That's how you're going to spend your Saturday night?
Leonard: Come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play any more.
Penny: Oh you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard: A little bit, yeah.
Raj: In seventh grade, I played spin-the-bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me.
Amy: You think that's bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.
Raj: Sometimes I get so lonely I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I'm holding hands with another person.
Amy: I do that too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.
Raj: It's kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone.
Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat, by making a gesture that says: "Get a load of this guy."
Amy: In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with *more* clothes on.
Amy: I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22. The guy only did it so I'd give him back his insulin.
Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.
Amy: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette: Think harder.
Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What?
Sheldon: Well sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key and I toss it into the chasm. And on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.
Stuart: I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store.
Leonard: Oh, uhl, yeah, I got 'em on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard: I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.
Howard: So, Mrs. Rostenkowski, you took that trip to the Grand Canyon. How was it?
Mrs. Rostenkowski: It was good.
Howard: (to Mike Rostenkowski) Had no idea you were the chatty one.
Sheldon: I'm going to draw you a soothing bath. Where's your bath thermometer?
Amy: I don't have a bath thermometer.
Sheldon: Fine. Then I'm going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.
Raj: Can we change the subject? Spiders give me the jeebie-jeebies.
Howard: It's heebie-jeebies.
Raj: I know, but that sounds anti-Semitic. Anyway, I was thinking we could have a little film festival tonight. The theme, movies that killed their franchises.
Leonard: Ohhh, like Jaws 4, Indiana Jones 4, Daredevil 1.
Raj: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I mean, you know a movie's bad when my homegirl Sandy B can't save it.
Sheldon: You know, it's a tad old-school, but my father was not one to spare the rod when my brother would sneak into his truck and drink his driving whiskey.
Amy: Are you saying you want to spank me?
Amy: Sheldon. This isn't helping. Why don't you just let me get some rest?
Sheldon: Well, how can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you, and apply Vaporub to your chest.
Amy: Y-You- You want to rub something on my chest?
Sheldon: Yes. All over it.
Amy: (coughs) Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon: Now you're being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.
Amy: Oh, I'm counting on it.
Howard: Boy, we're just married to a couple of ball-busters, huh, Mike.
Mr. Rostenkowski: That's my wife and daughter you're talking about.
Howard: Great couple o' gals.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I wouldn't go that far.
Amy: (Sheldon spanks Amy) Oh my.
(giggles)
Sheldon: Excuse me. You're not supposed to be enjoying this.
Amy: Then maybe you should spank me harder.
Sheldon: Maybe I will.
(spanks her again)
Amy: Woo hoo!
Penny: Step one: worms.
Howard: Ewww.
Penny: Okay, right there, "ewww" is one of the things you're not gonna want to say in front of your father-in-law. It's right up there with "icky" and "get it away".
Sheldon: Is anyone else troubled by the Spiderman theme song?
Leonard: Why would it trouble you? It's like your third favorite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon: It is. It's right behind
(sings)
Sheldon: "Doo doo doo dod-doo, Inspecor gadget" and
(sings)
Sheldon: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes on a half shell."
Sheldon, Leonard, Howard, Raj: Turtle power!
Amy: I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral.
Sheldon: You're sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.
Amy: Sheldon. Aren't you going to take care of me?
Sheldon: Me? No. No, I'm not that kind of doctor.
Amy: But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.
Sheldon: Oh. I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I'm ill. When you're feeling better, you'll think that's funny.
Howard: Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You're a big, scary cop.
Mr. Rostenkowski: You're an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she's only four feet tall.
(Amy and Bernadette's arguing over the parking spot resulted in Penny being hit in the face and badly bruised)
Bernadette: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: (pained) Gee, you think?
Amy: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette: (enraged) You hit her! What did I do?
Amy: You had my car towed!
Bernadette: (yelling) You were parked in Howard's spot!
Amy: (yelling) I was parked in Sheldon's spot!
Bernadette: (arguing back) Sheldon doesn't HAVE a spot!
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room!
Bernadette: Okay, let's go.
(they take Penny by her arms and escort her out)
Amy: I'll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette: The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
Amy: How do you know?
Bernadette: 'CAUSE I DID IT!
Sheldon: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
Raj: (to Leonard) If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a "zompire"?
Penny: Howard's mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
Bernadette: What can I tell you? She's a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is.
Sheldon: (phone talk) President Seibert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don't use the parking spot. That's not the point. I...
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware you told me not to call you at home. But you didn't answer the door. And I know you were there because I saw you through the mail slot.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, that's some salty language.May I remind you, you're the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club.
Sheldon: There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry for your loss. Good night, sir.
Sheldon: (to Leonard) Unbelievable! He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he's a high-profile asset to the university.
Leonard: Well, he's not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.
Sheldon: That was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It's not a big deal.
Sheldon: No. No, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. See, it starts with a parking space. Where does it end? It's like my dad always said, "First they say you can't drink and drive. Next you can't let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat."
Sheldon: That's my parking spot.
Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don't have a car. You don't drive.
Sheldon: It doesn't matter. That's my spot.
Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
Sheldon: I'm not using my nipples either. Maybe they should reassign those.
Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I'm sure they'll give you another parking space.
Sheldon: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. Well, it's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days, and is also home to a delightful squirrel which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don't have a car.
Sheldon: Don't try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.
Howard: Are you listening to yourself?
Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life. Now get your car out of my spot.
Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.
Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.
Raj: Just say it.
Howard: You're the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.
Bernadette: Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it because your sex life, like Sheldon's work, is also theoretical?
Penny: Damn...!
Amy: At least when we *do* make love, he wouldn't be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that's a cleverly veiled reference to Howard's lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb!
Bernadette: (Coming up the stairs with Penny) We're so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
(Amy is following them up stumbling and walking awkwardly, she does straighten up once she's on the floor)
Penny: Yeah. So how you doing?
Amy: Oh, a little sensitive, but not bad. Does it always take that long?
Penny: No, they don't usually have to go out and get more wax.
Amy: (as they enter the apartment) I feel like I'm five pounds lighter.
Bernadette: Really? Only five?
Sheldon: You know what they say: Revenge is a dish best served nude.
Howard: (arguing with Sheldon) Are you even listening to yourself?
Sheldon: Of course I listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life.
Amy: (confronting Penny and Bernadette in the former's apartment) Oh, looks like someone's on Team Bernadette. Where's Howard?
Bernadette: He's not here. What's wrong?
Amy: (sharply) He had my car towed! It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
(Penny looks surprised)
Amy: In Sheldon's spot.
Bernadette: That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn't have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard's spot?
(Penny looks concerned at the thought of them arguing)
Amy: Don't play dumb with me, sister! You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: Because I'm the one who had it towed.
Amy: You?
Bernadette: Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you're not gonna see this coming!
(she swings her handbag at Bernadette, who ducks, and Amy ends up hitting Penny instead)
Sheldon: (to Howard) Payback! It certainly *is* the B word!
Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern. His diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
Dry Cleaner: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.
Leonard: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You're just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
Raj: No, you're displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
Leonard: Oh yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
Raj: That's called a fashion choice.
Leonard: Alright, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie that's been eaten from the waist down, You, sir, have no leg to stand on.
(Amy and Bernadette are arguing over the parking spot, and Amy tries to hit Bernadette with her handbag, but Bernadette ducks, and Amy hits Penny instead)
Penny: (crying out in pain) You idiot! What the hell do you have in there?
Amy: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank!
Bernadette: (running off) Don't move, I'll get some ice!
Amy: Are you okay?
Penny: (clutching her face) Get away from me, or I swear to God I will rip out what's left of your pubes!
Bernadette: (returning with a bag of frozen peas) Here.
Penny: (groaning in pain) Thanks.
Penny: I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. Yeah, it's a bad idea.
Sheldon: Looks like that laptop's seen better days. If you're interested, I'm selling this. It's only 2 years old, there's 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut's penis.
Howard: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (seeing Howard naked on the couch) AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard: He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon: Get off there.
Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon: Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj: (to Leonard) I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.
Leonard: If you're wondering why I've been staring through the peephole, I'm trying to get a look at this guy who's coming over to Penny's.
Sheldon: To be honest, I didn't know you were here.
Raj: In "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", isn't 43 the answer to life, the universe and everything?
Howard: That's 42, dumbass.
Raj: Hey! Feelings.
Alex Jensen: Oh hi, Dr. Hofstader.
Leonard: Oh, hey, Alex. And call me, Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.
Alex Jensen: May I join you, Leonard?
Leonard: Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.
Alex Jensen: Oo, I love English accents.
Leonard: Yea, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.
Alex Jensen: It's probably harmless. You now how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.
Leonard: Right. Because girls are always like: Ooo, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta to get me some of that.
Alex Jensen: You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Leonard: Trust me. It doesn't.
Alex Jensen: You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don't even know it.
Leonard: Really?
Alex Jensen: Yep, pretty sure.
Leonard: (laughs) I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
Alex Jensen: No problem.
Leonard: Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.
(Howard and Raj watch the video of Sheldon in the room)
Sheldon: This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.
Howard: Wormhole generator test?
(Wormhole appears)
Sheldon: The first forty-three parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different.
(Puts his head in the wormhole; when he takes it out he has an alien creature attached to his face)
Howard: Oh, my God!
Raj: Holy crap!
Sheldon: Oh! It's eating my face!
Raj: It's eating his face!
(Sheldon sneaks in from behind them and throw the fake alien creature onto their laptop; Howard and Raj freak out)
Howard: (Unlocking door) There. Let's go.
Raj: Wait. Sheldon's a smart guy. He probably has the place booby trapped.
Howard: You're right.
Raj: We need a way to find out first.
Howard: Don't worry, I have a way.
Raj: Really? What's the pla...
(Howard pushes Raj through the door)
Howard: You okay?
Raj: Yeah.
Sheldon: If we assume that your looks are average, right off the bat, 50 percent of men on Earth are more attractive than you. That's 1.5 billion handsome lads standing by, waiting to rain on your parade.
Raj: That's a good camera.
Howard: Should be. It's from the Mars Rover.
Raj: How did you get it?
Howard: 5 million dollar equipment, ten dollar lock.
Howard: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Raj: We told you.
Sheldon: Yeah, I just told you.
Howard: No, you didn't.
Sheldon: Your word against mine. See you in court.
Sheldon: You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating through certain aspects of daily life: understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I'd want to. It's exhausting! Which is why, for 20 minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.
Howard: But what do you do in there?
Raj: What does 43 mean?
Sheldon: You don't need to know. You don't deserve to know. And you will never know.
(Leaves)
Raj: Yeah? Well, I know how to make your egg salad now!
Leonard: It's not to go to the bathroom. He goes at 8:00 AM, with follow-ups at 1:45 and 7:10 on high-fiber Fridays.
Howard: It's sad that you know that.
Leonard: That's just the tip of the sadness iceberg.
(Opening lines)
Raj: What are you drawing over there?
Sheldon: A containment unit for a frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.
Howard: Oh, you silly doodlebug.
Leonard: You know, scientists believe that contact with other lifeforms would not be good for us.
Sheldon: It's a frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. I can just cover it with a frisbee. Here.
(Hands napkin to Howard)
Howard: You expect me to build this?
Sheldon: No, I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen?
Leonard: I'll be right back.
Sheldon: You're still here? I thought you were long gone.
Raj: This is fun. Sneaking around in the middle of the night. It's like we're a couple of cat burglars.
Howard: We're not cat burglars. We're more like ninjas.
Raj: I don't want to be a ninja. I want to be a cat burglar.
Howard: Fine. I'll be a ninja, and you be a cat burglar.
Raj: No, we both have to be the same thing!
Howard: Fine! We're both ninjas.
Raj: Okay. But next time we'll be cat burglars.
Howard: What could 43 be, besides my mother's neck size?
Raj: It's the atomic number for technetium.
Howard: That stuff's radioactive.
Raj: You think he's building a bomb?
Howard: Nah, it took him two years to put together that Lego Death Star, I'm not worried.
Howard: We're going to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come?
Sheldon: No, thanks.
Raj: When they turn off the lights, it's like a little laser show that poops all over the place.
Penny: Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard: Come on, I'm sorry.
Penny: I just can't believe you don't trust me.
Leonard: I feel... Of course I do.
Penny: Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Leonard: Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
Penny: What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
Leonard: I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they are all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS TALLER THAN ME? You know what. This is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
Leonard: You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
Penny: (stunned) Yea.
Leonard: We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
Penny: That's... exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
Leonard: You're right we should...
Penny: Fine!
(Runs down stairs)
Leonard: (Enters apartment) She loves me.
Raj: (about Alex) Boy, what I wouldn't give to take her out of those pants. And into something a little more stylish.
Alex Jensen: All I know is corduroy makes too much noise and I have to go find quieter pants.
Howard: Wha the hell is 43?
Raj: It's a prime number. Encryption systems are based on prime numbers.
Howard: What kind of secrets would Sheldon need encrypting?
Raj: Maybe it's the secret to what makes his egg salad so delicious.
Howard: It's paprika.
Raj: Really? Well, one mystery solved.
Howard: I wonder what Sheldon's hiding in there?
Raj: He's always been kind of a weirdo. Maybe he's got Leonard Nimoy chained up in there. Or Bill Gates or Stephen Hawking.
Howard: Why would he chain up Stephen Hawking?
Raj: Howard, shame on you! You can't treat him differently just because he's disabled, that's not okay!
Sheldon: You're a real catch, compared to some snoring guy with a fridge full of lousy grapes.
Raj: This is so exciting! Like one of my classic murder mystery parties.
Leonard: Like the case of who murdered three Saturday nights from my life.
Howard: Colonel Koothrappali in the kitchen with the olive spread.
Raj: It was tapanade, and you guys suck.
Penny: What'll you have to drink?
Sheldon: Usually I have some chamomile tea, but I'm pretty upset. I don't think that's going to cut it.
Penny: How about a Long Island iced tea?
Sheldon: Will that do the charm?
Penny: It's charmed the pants off of me a couple of times.
Howard: My plaid dickie! Can you believe I got this at Goodwill for fifty cents?
Bernadette: Fifty cents. That sounds about right.
Wil Wheaton: Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?
Sheldon: My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.
Amy: He was overacting on purpose.
Sheldon: Really? He reminded me of a young William Shatner.
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. And welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I'd like to announce the winner of our Design Your Own Flag competition, but I can't. The only entry was from gamygamer seventy-five, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now, this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise 'Star Trek', and to help me I'm pleased to introduce internet personality, uh, former star of 'Star Trek: The Next Generation', and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one-sixteenth scale... Set phasers to fun! for my friend, Wil Wheaton.
Howard: (about his mother) She was just so sad all the time. I was the only person who could cheer her up. Well, me and Ben and Jerry.
Raj: (as they pack up Howard's room) Wow. It's the end of an era.
Howard: If these walls could talk.
Leonard: They would say "why is he touching himself so much?"
Howard: Yeah.
Wil Wheaton: Excuse me, but I've been acting since I was a child. I think I can handle a little web show.
Sheldon: It's true. In 1982 he played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.
Sheldon: I need to have a talk about women.
Penny: I always knew we would have this talk sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?
Sheldon: I'm in the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair since I was nineteen.
Penny: I see, and for the record...
(makes gagging sound)
Wil Wheaton: You do know I'm doing this for free.
Amy: Yes, and so far we're not getting our money's worth.
Leonard: (after Sheldon comes in) Look who's staying up late like a big boy.
Wil Wheaton: Are you drunk?
Sheldon: Just tea. Best tea I've ever had.
Howard: I remember I sat under this very desk with all my Halloween candy. I ate some peanut M&Ms, had my first anaphylactic shock, had to go to the hospital, celebrated with a Snickers bar, had my second anaphylactic shock...
Raj: When did you figure out you were allergic to nuts?
Howard: About the time I had my third Almond Joy.
Penny: You're from Texas. You're supposed to stand up and defend the honor of your woman folk.
Sheldon: Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple, rustic upbringing. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.
Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.
Amy: Your friend was rude to me and you should have taken my side. Good night, Sheldon.
(Logs off)
Sheldon: Wow. Amy's mad at me and Leonard was right. What a weird day.
Penny: Sorry this took so long, but you used to work here - you know how it is.
Bernadette: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember?
Sheldon: The trouble isn't with me, Penny, it's with your gender. Someday scientists will discover that second X chromosome contains nothing but nonsense and twaddle.
(Sheldon is excusing himself from Wil Wheaton to talk with Amy)
Sheldon: I'll be right back.
(hands Wil a Wesley Crusher action figure)
Sheldon: Feel free to play with yourself.
Sheldon: (drunkenly confronting Wil) As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies do you feel would benefit from a thorough vomiting?
(trying to hold back)
Sheldon: Never mind, I'll choose.
(leans over the railing and vomits)
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, help! My hand is caught in the garbage disposal!
Howard: Just let go of whatever food you're holding!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Are you kidding? It's a perfectly good chicken leg!
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise 'Star Trek', and to help us I'm pleased to introduce a special guest - surprisingly it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here - Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar Burton: Hey, Sheldon, it's a pleasure to be here. Well, we've got some interesting flags...
Amy: Cut! Yikes! The guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.
Sheldon: (to leVar) I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend.
LeVar Burton: Ahh, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?
Penny: It's just one history class. Look, I didn't finish college, so I thought I would give it a try.
Amy: Not to mention, your acting career is going south like Sherman.
(Penny doesn't understand)
Amy: Read about it in your book.
Sheldon: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words With Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request! Do you understand what that means?
Howard: That somewhere right now, Stephen Hawking is saying, "Damn it. I meant to click no."
Amy: (to Penny) You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
Penny: Really? You can't think of anyone weirder?
Amy: (referring to Bernadette) I can,
(whispers)
Amy: but she's sitting right there.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.
Stephen Hawking: Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Oh, me too.
Stephen Hawking: Or should I say Dr. Loser. Ha ha ha.
Sheldon: (disconcerted) Y-yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.
Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?
Sheldon: Oh, I love brain teasers!
Stephen Hawking: What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck.
(Leonard bursts out laughing)
Stephen Hawking: Neener-neener.
Sheldon: It's only a matter of time before we're coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I'll be Coop. Yeah. He'll be Wheels. If he's okay with that.
Penny: You just assumed my paper would be bad, so you wrote one for me?
Leonard: No. I assumed it was good, then I read it.
Penny: What!
Leonard: No... I mean, it was good; there was just a few things that needed a little polishing.
Penny: wha- you changed every word!
Leonard: That's not true, uh, uh. Slavery. Sixteen-nineteen. Your name on the top, that's all you.
Sheldon: He played! He played! Coop and Rolling Thunder are together again. He was okay with that nickname.
Penny: (Leonard brings her breakfast in bed) Leonard, it's 8 a.m. That's like the middle of the night!
(Leonard wants to talk about a problem he's having with Penny, but Sheldon is distracted with his own problem)
Leonard: Is it possible we're having two different conversations?
Sheldon: How would I know? I'm not listening to you.
Sheldon: One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And, I'm spanking him so hard his grad students won't be able to sit down.
Amy: You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.
Sheldon: What's your point?
Amy: It's exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.
Sheldon: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen!
(Turns off dancing game)
Raj: Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch!
Amy: Wow. My boyfriend is friends with Stephen Hawking, and my new dandruff shampoo doesn't smell like tar. Everything really is coming up Amy.
Stephen Hawking: Do you like Brain Teasers?
Sheldon: Oh, I love Brain Teasers.
Stephen Hawking: What do Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener, neener.
Leonard: I don't know what to say.
Penny: How about, "Gee Penny, you're smarter than I thought. You may be the one in school, but I'm the one who learned a lesson. I'm so stupid, Penny. Duh."
Sheldon: She sounds exactly like you.
Sheldon: My mother always said: "To thine own self be true."
Bernadette: I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out I started to dry off with what I thought what a towel but turned out to be Howard's mom's underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.
Sheldon: The game is not called Words with Strangers. No. It is not even called Words with Acquaintances. It's called Words with...
Raj: I'm not finishing your sentence! You pulled the plug on my funk!
Amy: I feel like I'm in high school again.
Bernadette: Yeah. Doing the prom queen's homework so she'll like us.
Amy: I know.
(gleefully)
Amy: It's finally working!
Penny: Now, behave yourself and eat your dinner, and maybe later, if you're lucky, you get to sleep with a college girl.
Leonard: Really? Cause I went through four years of college and five years of grad school, that never happened once.
Raj: Try to keep up, Howard; I'm killing it.
Howard: Yeah, I wish we looked this cool dancing in clubs as we do right now.
Leonard: Don't worry, this is exactly how you look when you're dancing in clubs.
Sheldon: Stephen Hawking's a genius and he talks like a robot. Everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence.
Howard: Astronaut Wolowitz reporting for booty... preparing thrusters... we have liftoff... are we clear to jettison that nightgown?
Leonard: You know, there's a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really just be information on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. So it's possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.
Penny: Huh.
Leonard: What?
Penny: Sometimes I forget how smart you are.
(kisses Leonard)
Leonard: You should visit more often.
Amy: Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory. Does it get any better than this?
Penny: I hope so.
Amy: (to Bernadette) Question. Do you think your husband's fondness for turtlenecks is an expression of longing for his missing foreskin?
Penny: It's not getting any better.
Bernadette: (They both walk into the back, to a couple already there) You! Out!
(They leave, she turns on Howard)
Bernadette: You are being very rude!
Howard: No I'm not. They're all being rude, and you're being rude.
Bernadette: Me? What did I do?
Howard: (Almost robotic imitation of Bernadette's voice) Oh Howie, stop talking about space so much. Nobody likes it.
Bernadette: (pause, then in a deeper voice, actually Melissa Rauch's real voice) I don't sound like that.
Sheldon: What kind of tea would you like?
Amy: I think I'm gonna try green tea mixed with lemon zinger.
Sheldon: Two teabags in one cup? You're not at a rave.
Raj: For the photo booth, we could go with a creepy theme, or we could also get the TARDIS from Dr. Who.
Sheldon: The TARDIS is a time machine from a sci-fi show, it has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don't get a TARDIS, then you stink and your party stinks.
Penny: (getting a text) Ugh. It's Leonard. He wants to go costume shopping later.
Amy: I thought you liked Halloween.
Penny: No, I do, it's just he wants to go to that party at the comic book store. A lot of the guys that hang out there are kind of creepy.
Bernadette: Like my husband?
Amy: And my boyfriend?
Penny: (trying to change the subject) I'm... I'm sorry, Amy, you were saying something about Howard's foreskin?
Bernadette: I just think in relationships, you get back what you put into them.
Amy: That's not always true. Last night, I gave Sheldon my best come-hither look and he responded by explaining how wheat came to be cultivated.
Penny: Uh, I guess I could try probably try a little harder.
Bernadette: You could start by taking an interest in his work.
Penny: Yeah, that's kind of a problem.
Amy: Why?
Penny: Not really clear on what he does.
Bernadette: He's an experimental physicist.
Penny: Yeah, I'm not really clear on what that means.
Amy: He takes hypotheses and designs protocols to determine their accuracy.
Penny: Yeah, you're really just making it worse.
Sheldon: Couples' costumes are one of the few benefits of being in a relationship. Now, imagine this: you and I entering Stuart's party and all eyes turn to see America's most beloved and glamorous couple.
Amy: (excited) Yeah?
Sheldon: (her face falls) R2-D2 and C-3PO! Dibs on 3PO.
Amy: Sheldon, when I said couples' costume, I meant like, uh, Romeo and Juliet or Cinderella and Prince Charming, not two robots from some silly movie I don't even like.
Sheldon: Y... okay! I'm gonna let that slide because I know you're hopped up on teabags.
Amy: I make compromises for you all the time. Just this once, can't we find something that we're both happy with?
Sheldon: Fine. How about one of the most beguiling and influential couples of the 20th century? Hewlett and Packard. Dibs on Hewlett.
(seeing her look)
Sheldon: What, you want to be Hewlett?
Raj: Before I forget, I'd like your opinion on the menus I've prepared for the Halloween party. The theme is "Food that goes bump in the night."
Howard: Creature from the Black Forest Ham Lagoon.
Raj: On Sesame seed Bunzillas.
Sheldon: Night of the Living Garlic Bread?
Raj: It's funny because "bread" sounds like "dead".
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but these are just ordinary foods with the names bent into tortured puns. Uh, the dishes themselves are in no way Halloweeny.
Raj: (writing it down) Ooh, Hallow-weenies! That's a good one. They'll pair nicely with my "Draculoni and Cheese." How do I do it?
Penny: (after Leonard and Penny emerge from the TARDIS) Nothing to see here. Sexy police business.
Leonard: Just explaining the theory of relativity.
(whispers to Howard)
Leonard: twice
Penny: (for Halloween, Leonard is dressed as Albert Einstein and Penny as a 'sexy cop') I told you in the car, no accent.
Leonard: Sorry, officer.
Penny: Better not be building a robot girlfriend.
Leonard: No, although Howard was making some real strides in that area until he met Bernadette.
Penny: You're kidding.
Leonard: Nope. Now the Lisatronic 3000 just sits in a box waiting for the phone to ring.
Raj: (offering to help Stuart with his Halloween party) You know, you don't worry about money. I'll take care of everything.
Stuart: Really?
Raj: Yeah, you'll love it. Ain't no party like a Koothra-party.
Howard: But you know what wasn't a party? That hotel in Kazakhstan they put you up in before the launch. I mean, it's your last night on Earth. You'd think you'd get one porn channel.
Bernadette: What's that?
Howard: It's just a video Raj sent me of Buzz Aldrin.
Buzz Aldrin: (Handing out Halloween candy to trick-or-treaters) Here's a Milky Way. The Milky Way is a galaxy in space. I've been to space. Here's a Mars bar. I'm an astronaut. This one's a Moon Pie. I've walked on the moon. What have you done?
Howard: Okay, I get it.
Sheldon: Raggedy Ann and Andy stand for three things I don't care for: clowns, children and raggediness.
Leonard: Have you noticed that Howard can take any topic and use it to remind you that he went to space?
Sheldon: Interesting hypothesis. Let's apply the scientific method. Perform an experiment.
Leonard: Okay. Hey Howard, any thoughts on where we should get dinner?
Howard: Anywhere but the space station. On a good day, dinner was a bag full of meatloaf. But hey, you don't go there for the food, you go there for the view.
Sheldon: Fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?
Howard: Not really.
Sheldon: Oh, well.
Howard: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule is a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.
Bernadette: Howie, I know you went to space. I'm incredibly proud of you. But you might wanna try and not bring it up every minute.
Howard: I don't talk about it every minute.
Bernadette: Tonight at dinner, you went on about it for an hour straight.
Howard: What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.
Bernadette: I'm just saying, people are getting a little tired of it.
Howard: So, I did this amazing thing and I'm never allowed to mention it?
Bernadette: Of course you can. But maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up.
Howard: Boy, it's nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again. Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth and into the air lock?
Bernadette: Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.
Amy: There are certain things that say to the world, I have a boyfriend and he's not made up. matching costumes, hickeys, and sex tapes. Pick one.
Sheldon: What's a hickey?
Raj: Hey, Stuart, I see you're getting ready for your Halloween party.
Stuart: Yeah, it's my annual attempt to meet women. Ninth time's the charm.
Raj: Would you like me to help? I do have a certain je ne sais quoi when it comes to soirees.
Stuart: Thanks, but I can't afford je ne sais quoi. How much for just quoi?
Bernadette: Let me guess. Slutty cop?
Penny: No, sexy cop. Slutty cop only came with the skirt and two badges.
Bernadette: And Albert Einstein?
Leonard: Ja, und later, she's going to arrest me for going faster than the schpeed of light.
Bernadette: You have to go to that party 'cause we're going.
Penny: Yeah, I'm gonna go. It's just not my idea of a good time.
Bernadette: Leonard does things he doesn't like to make you happy.
Penny: Well, yeah, he's my boyfriend. Isn't that, like, his job?
Amy: Then what's your job?
Penny: Letting him make me happy.
Amy: I'm Raggedy Ann, and he's Raggedy C-3PO.
Sheldon: We compromised. I lost.
Howard: Oh, hey, Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.
Stuart: Well, Howard, that's very nice of you.
Leonard: Yeah, maybe. Open it first.
Howard: It's my official NASA portrait.
Stuart: "To Stuart. Your comic book store is out of this world. Just like the guy in this picture was."
Sheldon: For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.
Howard: That's not true. At the Walgreens, I was "over the moon" for their store-brand antacids.
Amy: Sheldon, I was thinking, since this is gonna be our first Halloween party as boyfriend and girlfriend, I thought it might be fun for us to go in a couples costume.
Sheldon: I couldn't agree more.
Amy: Really? I find that inconsistent with everything I know about you.
Howard: Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?
Sheldon: Yes.
Raj: No.
Sheldon: We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you're doing.
Raj: It's called being nice.
Sheldon: Okay. If you think being nice will get him to shut up, I'll try it.
Leonard: Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie, or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face.
Sheldon: That's rude.
Sheldon: (after pinning Sheldon, Penny kisses Sheldon's nose) Stop that.
(Penny kisses Sheldon's cheek)
Sheldon: Amy, do something. Amy, help.
(Amy starts kissing Sheldon's forehead)
Penny: We're not playing a made-up game.
Sheldon: All games are made up. They're not found in nature. No one digs on the ground and finds a rich vein of Rock'em Sock'em Robots.
Raj: (surprised to see Howard on his doorstep) I didn't think I'd see you until tomorrow.
Howard: I know, but Bernie is kind of under the weather and my mother is kind of... under my dentist.
Raj: Wait, so your mother is sleeping with your dentist?
Howard: Former dentist, actually. I need a new one, now that I know where his hands have been.
Sheldon: It's been a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We'll remember you with fond nostalgia, like the dial-up modem, the VHS tape and Leonard's gym membership.
Raj: I don't want Stuart to leave. We've become good friends.
Sheldon: Okay, that's one vote for, one against. Leonard, you're the tie breaker.
Leonard: I don't mind Stuart. Besides, he gives us 20% discounts on comic books.
Sheldon: My friendship isn't sold so cheaply.
Stuart: I can go as high as 30.
Sheldon: Welcome aboard, old chum.
Howard: (as he steps out of the plane, he is met with a crowd chanting "Howie!" - for Howie Mandel, who is next to him) Thank you, it was nothing really.
Howie Mandel: I think they're here for me, Ringo.
Chauffeur: Mr. Mandel, I'll be your driver.
Howie Mandel: Thank you. Can you believe that guy was telling everyone he was an astronaut?
Penny: Sheldon, you're full of fun little facts. Where do you think the expression "have your ass handed to you" come from?
Sheldon: I don't know.
Penny: I bet it was from ancient Rome, where they actually chopped off someone's ass and went "Here" as an offering to Loseronius, the God of Losers.
Penny: Okay, just for the record, I've never entered a wet t-shirt contest. I've won a few, but that's just because I spill when I'm drunk.
Sheldon: (on Howard) He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.
Sheldon: (after losing at "Where's Waldo") How could you not find him?
Leonard: Because he's hard to find! If he was easy to find, the books would be called "There's Waldo!"
Sheldon: (At a pie-eating contest) I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in anti-oxidants.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So with all those anti-oxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Leonard: Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now, you either stick your face in that pie, or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!
Sheldon: (about his toilet training journal) There's a chart in the back describing shape, color and consistency.
Penny: Disgusting!
Leonard: No, what's disgusting is that he's still keeping track.
Sheldon: Save all chatting for your break, and FYI, there will be no breaks.
Amy: (Shows Penny a picture of Sheldon in her phone) Look at this face. How can any woman spend eight hours a day alone with this face and not fall in love with it?
Penny: Well, for starters, eventually that face starts talking.
Raj: So, did Alex say anything about me?
Sheldon: Yes. I believe her exact words were "What is that guy's problem?"
Raj: I'm in her head. Let the dance begin.
Alex Jensen: (after Raj can't talk to her) Is he alright?
Leonard: No. But compared to your boss, he's the poster boy for sanity.
Alex Jensen: I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's assistant. Can I help you?
Amy: I'd like to speak to Sheldon.
Alex Jensen: I'm sorry. He asked me to hold all calls unless you're Stephen Hawking, his mother, or himself from the future.
Amy: If this were a boxing match, they might call it the Thrilla adjacent to the Amygdala.
(laughs)
Amy: If you were a brain scientist, you'd be busting a gut right now.
Alex Jensen: I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's new assistant.
Leonard: Nice to meet you, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Sheldon: I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Leonard: "Magnets: What Do They Stick To?" If the answer is metal, it's not exactly groundbreaking.
Sheldon: The original title was, "A Rederivation of Maxwell's Equations Regarding Electromagnetism". I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Alex Jensen: My father works for SETI.
Leonard: SETI, the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. You should introduce him to Sheldon. The search is over.
Penny: This is an eyelash curler. You put it on your eyelashes and squeeze close.
Amy: I don't know. This looks like something used by Tinklebell's gynecologist.
Penny: Well, I hope for her sake it's not Captain Hook.
Amy: Meanwhile, the limbic system of your brain is calculating that if another woman is attracted to Leonard, it must be because he's desirable.
Penny: Well, of course he's desirable. He's great. He's smart, he's sweet, and in the bedroom, wooo, let me tell you, he really tries.
Leonard: Where are we going.
Penny: My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Alex Jensen: (meeting Penny) She seems nice.
Sheldon: Notice people on your own time. We're working.
Penny: Maybe I can do it.
Sheldon: Oh, really? You think you can evaluate my work?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Here. I wrote this when I was five.
Penny: "A Proof That Algebraic Topology Can Never Have a Non-Self Contradictory Set of Abelian Groups." I'm just a blonde monkey to you, aren't I?
Sheldon: You said it, not me.
Sheldon: (at Leonard's bedroom door)
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Leonard!
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Leonard!
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Leonard!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Are you sleeping?
Leonard: I was. Now I'm having a nightmare.
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Please don't hurt my friend.
Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Sheldon: There's something I need to tell you.
Leonard: 'Kay.
Sheldon: I can't tell you.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: I can't tell you why I can't tell you. So I guess there's two things I can't tell you.
Leonard: I wish there were more.
Howard: The other day, when I was asleep, one of the guys went on a spacewalk and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask to the outside of my window. When I woke up, I screamed for like 9 minutes.
Bernadette: Oh Howie.
Howard: You can see it if you want. It's on YouTube. Google "Astronaut screams for 9 minutes".
Leonard: So, I had to take Sheldon to the dentist this morning.
Penny: Really.
Leonard: Yup. I told him if he didn't bite the hygienist, I'd take him for ice cream.
Penny: Mm.
Leonard: I didn't have to take him for ice cream.
Dimitri: Hey Fruit Loops, did you clean the space toilet?
Howard: Excuse me, I'm talking to my friends.
Massimino: You know the rules. New guy scrubs the toilet.
Dimitri: If you do good job, next time we give you brush.
Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?
Sheldon: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Sheldon: Really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it it's weird?
Sheldon: If you're going to replace Wolowitz I need to know a little more about you.
Stuart: Alright.
Sheldon: Wolowitz went to MIT. What's your educational background?
Stuart: I went to art school.
Sheldon: Equally ridiculous, let's go.
Howard: Hey, Bernie, guess what; I stood up to the other astronauts like you said and I got to tell you last night was the first time in a week I got a good night's sleep.
(Howard has a mouse face and the words 'F. Loops' drawn on his face)
Bernadette: Oh, Howie!
Howard: What's wrong? You look upset.
Bernadette: Nope. This is my proud face.
Penny: I've been in love before, but it felt different. Maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
Bernadette: That's not really a fair comparison. I'm basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.
Penny: Amy, you?
Amy: Can't help you, kid. Whenever I'm around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on fire. In the good way, not the urinary tract infection way.
Bernadette: And the next wedding present is... a gravy boat.
Penny: (writing it down) Ooh, one gravy boat.
Amy: That's from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved.
Bernadette: (Reads engraving) "In case of divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper."
Penny: One inappropriate yet I-wish-I-thought-of-that gravy boat.
Bernadette: Do you actually see you and Sheldon getting married some day?
Amy: Not just some day, in exactly 4 years. But don't tell Sheldon, he's still a flight risk.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you sure you want to be bringing Raj on your date night with Amy?
Sheldon: Oh, absolutely. I have a contractual obligation to provide Amy with conversation and casual physical contact, but nowhere is it specified that I can't outsource that to an Indian.
Amy: If Sheldon proposed to me during sex, my ovaries would grab on to him and never let go.
Dimitri: Loops, you realize you just lied your ass off to your wife and your mother.
Howard: I know.
Dimitri: What are you going to do when you get back to Earth?
Howard: Oh, I'm never going back.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Don't bother. I'll just go sit in a hole in the ground so I'm no trouble when I die.
Stuart: So, Howard's really in space, huh?
Leonard: Mm hmm, International Space Station. 250 miles that way.
Raj: Right now, Howard's staring down at our planet like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.
Sheldon: I must admit I can't help but feel a tinge of envy. He can look out the window and see the majesty of the universe unfolding before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. Like a cat in an airport carrying case.
Amy: Have I ever told you you're like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon: Every time you drink alcohol.
Amy: You know what's wonderful about the praying mantis, they devour their mate.
Sheldon: Your point being?
Amy: (Undoes the top button of her blouse) Dessert is served.
Sheldon: I just had cobbler.
Amy: (Buttons back up) You know what? I'm done with this.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Amy: I'm leaving.
Sheldon: You can't leave. I need you.
Amy: You do?
Sheldon: Yes. You're my ride.
Amy: Sheldon, you either say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are done.
Sheldon: Alright, please. Amy, when I look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal. Because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon: I should hope so. That's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy: I'll take it.
Bernadette: Listen mister, you're gonna talk to your mother and you're gonna fix this or that thing I said I was gonna do to you the minute you got home, you can do to yourself.
Dimitri: Like he's been doing since he got here.
Dimitri: Hey Fruit Loops, you got a phone call.
Howard: Who is it?
Dimitri: A woman who says she's your mother but sounds like your father.
Sheldon: The only sea creature I would even consider being eaten by is the Kraken, because the last words I would hear are, "Release the Kraken".
Howard: Ma, please, everyone from NASA is listening to this phone call.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Good! They should know what a horrible son you are!
Howard: Okay, Ma, great talking to you! Gotta go!
(Hangs up)
Howard: Well, space is ruined.
Raj: Isn't this romantic?
Sheldon: I hope that's a rhetorical question, because I have no clue.
Amy: This is so exciting. Soon, my upper lip will be the same fake blonde as my beautiful best friend.
Penny: Hey! This is my natural hair color... now.
Sheldon: Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.
(Cut to International Space Station)
Mrs. Wolowitz: (shouting through the phone) Howard! Can you hear me?
Howard: I can hear you without the phone!
Howard: (phone call to the space station) Hey, Ma. You know, we could see each other if you turn on the computer.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I'm not going near that fakakta thing. I'll catch a computer virus!
Howard: You can't catch a computer virus.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, so now you're an astronaut and a doctor?
Howard: Hey, I'm a grown man. I'm gonna live with my wife. My mother's gonna have to learn to make do on her own,
Bernadette: Was she upset?
Howard: Who can tell? She yells everything.
Sheldon: Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: We have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who's going to do the ceremony.
Penny: That's easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlor where for a hundred bucks they'll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.
Howard: Great. Well, who's it gonna be?
Sheldon: I'll do it. Provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.
Bernadette: No.
Sheldon: What do you see in her?
Howard: Close your eyes, put out your hand. I got you something special.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard. I'm not falling for that again.
Sheldon: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, two hundred metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard's keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy has been Tetris and mail-order brides.
Howard: There's fuel leaking and we're still gonna go?
Massimino: Don't lose your fruit loops, Fruit Loops.
Dimitri: This happens a lot. Nine times out of ten, no problem.
Howard: What happens on the tenth time?
Dimitri: Problem.
Dimitri: You and Mrs. Loops have a big wedding?
Sheldon: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn't sound like something I'll enjoy.
Leonard: C'mon, Sheldon, it'll be fun.
Sheldon: That's what you said about the Green Lantern movie. You were a hundred and fourteen minutes of wrong.
Raj: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette: They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.
Raj: Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard: I didn't say it.
Amy: That's enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Leonard: Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.
(Klingon)
Bernadette: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP!
Howard: From now on she's the only woman who can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Raj, Penny, Leonard, Sheldon, Amy: By the power vested in us by the state of California...
Sheldon: ... and the Klingon High Council...
Raj, Penny, Leonard, Sheldon, Amy: ... we now pronounce you husband and wife.
Raj: I know how to make it special.
Howard: I told you we are not re-creating the wedding from 'The Sound of Music'.
Raj: Yes, you made that brutally clear to me. What I was going to suggest is that if you're willing to wait until Sunday morning, the Google satellite will be over Pasadena. You can have your wedding photographed from space.
Howard: (as the rocket gets ready for lift-off) I changed my mind, I don't wanna do this.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie! A little star. It's beautiful! Put it on me.
Howard: Okay. But I'm gonna have to get it back from you, so I can take it to the International Space Station. That way, when I come home, you will have a star that was actually in space.
Bernadette: My God!
Howard: Take that, every guy who's ever bought you anything!
Massimino: OK, we're in the final countdown. How you doing over there?
Howard: Good, good. A quick question; I missed it in the briefing. How much urine do these suits hold?
Massimino: Hey Fruit Loops, want to hit your fan switch?
Howard: Check.
Dimitri: He calls you Fruit Loops because of your very gay haircut?
Howard: No, it's 'cause I live with my mom and she makes me Fruit Loops.
Dimitri: Go with gay story. People are more accepting of that.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I'm going to the supermarket to buy snacks for your trip. Do you want me to buy those little boxes of Fruit Loops you like?
Howard: No, when I eat Fruit Loops, the other astronauts make fun of me.
Howard: Hey, I was thinking: for our first dance at the wedding, what if we learned the final number from 'Dirty Dancing'?
Bernadette: You're kidding!
Howard: No, come on, how cool would that be? Me, running into your arms; you, lifting me up into the air.
Bernadette: Oh, you're in a good mood.
Howard: Yeah, well, why wouldn't I be? I'm marrying the girl of my dreams, and finally got my mother to agree not to come on our honeymoon.
Sheldon: Can I ask you a question about women?
Leonard: I got you that book last year; wasn't everything in there?
Sheldon: No. I'm having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.
Sheldon: (exiting change room) I'm going to need a larger shirt! This one's a little tight under the arms.
Jimmy: Okay.
(takes shirt)
Leonard: Do you think maybe it's tight because you're wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: Yes, of course that's why it's tight.
Leonard: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?
Sheldon: You're kidding! Shouldn't the question be "Why *aren't* you?"
Leonard: No, it should be "Why are you?"
Sheldon: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by *hundreds* of sweaty strangers. Yeah, I don't like my own sweat touching my skin; how do you think I feel about theirs?
Jimmy: Why don't you slip this on?
Sheldon: Said the hangman, offering a noose.
(returns to change room)
Raj: Well, that wasn't as entertaining as when he rents bowling shoes, but it was right up there.
Amy: (Amy is in a Star Trek tunic holding a medical tricorder near Sheldon) Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Amy: We're playing doctor... Star Trek style.
(winks)
Sheldon: I'm in hell, Leonard.
Sheldon: (to Amy) Don't stop.
Howard: Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded; I am officially no-go to space.
Leonard: I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Leonard: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia."?
Howard: Well, their technology isn't that bad.
Raj: When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free fall, from space, at 500 miles per hour, and the only thing that slows you down is a little parachute that pops out right before you crash into the ground. And the whole thing was designed by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Howard: Right, well, whatever. I wasn't worried.
Raj: You weren't?
Howard: Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek; I live it.
Raj: Oh, please, I don't remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space, and brags about it in a tuxedo store.
Howard: Make all the jokes you want, but there's only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.
Sheldon: Ah, much better!
Leonard: You must be burning up
Sheldon: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever's in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing yet hygienic figure, don't I? I look like The Flash, about to get married. Oh, a tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!
(Runs outside)
Jimmy: Uh, where is he going?
Leonard: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.
Sheldon: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Amy: Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
Amy: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon: Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy: I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon: Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.
Amy: I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon: Well, how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Amy: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon: Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
Amy: We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?
Sheldon: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work!
Amy: Fine! There's no reason we still can't have a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat.
(Sheldon hums the background music, while Amy smiles)
Amy: May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon: You know I don't drink.
Amy: Not even strawberry Quik?
Sheldon: I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon: Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often.
Mr. Rostenkowski: (cracks walnuts with his bare hand) Walnut?
Howard: No, thank you. I'm allergic.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Ah sure. My partner used to have that. He's dead now.
Howard: From nuts?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Nah, his wife shot him. But she was nuts, so in a way.
Howard: I'm going to level with you. I'm terrified about going into space. Y'know, what if I don't make it back?
Mr. Rostenkowski: It's gonna be okay, son.
Howard: You really think so?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Of course. A pretty girl like Bernadette, she'll find a new guy.
Leonard: Before I come in, you should know...
(holds up a gas canister)
Leonard: I have gas.
Penny: For the record, not your worst opening line.
Sheldon: Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her, by making me happy.
Howard: (phone rings, Howard presses speaker-phone) Howard Wolowitz.
Dave Roeger: Hey, Howard. Dave Roeger here at NASA. We need to talk about your upcoming mission.
Howard: Yes, yes! I've been doing my pushups. I'm still stuck at nine, but... that's going all the way down with no-one holding me.
Dave Roeger: That's great, uh, but that's not why I called. We've run into a bit of a snafu. Your Soyuz capsule failed the pressurization test, so, bottom line, mission's been scrubbed.
Howard: (picks up handset) You're kidding. So what does that mean?
Howard: Uh-huh.
Howard: Uh-huh.
Howard: Boy, I gotta tell you I'm really disappointed. This was my dream ever since I was a little kid.
Howard: Okay, thanks for the call.
Howard: Yeah, you too.
(he hangs up)
Howard: Yes! thank heavens!
(laughs hysterically)
Howard: I'm not going to die in space! Whoo, now I can die the way God intended; in my late fifties with a heartful of pastrami.
Penny: So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Leonard: Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard: I don't know, it's a Bachelor Party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
Leonard: Hello.
Penny: What's with the robe?
Leonard: (removing robe) I'm going to have sex with you, right here, right now, on that washing machine.
Penny: No, you're not.
Leonard: C'mon, please.
Penny: You want to do something, you can help me fold this sheet.
Leonard: Folding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy.
Raj: I've been doing some research on strippers. One agency I spoke to said they can get us a great price if we're flexible on age range and number of limbs.
Howard: Sounds like loads of fun, but I promised Bernadette, no strippers.
Raj: You don't want strippers? You're the king of strippers. That one club in North Hollywood named a pole after you.
Bernadette: Do you know, for a while in Poland, my family and his family were neighbors?
Penny: Oh, that's cool.
Amy: No, it's not. I'll explain it to you later.
Leonard: (surprised) Are you drinking whiskey?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I am to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear-words and, yes, alcohol.
(he takes a drink)
Sheldon: Jeepers, that's yucky!
Leonard: Whoa. It's a little early to start dropping j-bombs, don't you think?
Bernadette: Wait a minute. You set me up with Howard. Did you know about all the creepy stuff he was into?
Penny: Well, a little. You hear stuff.
Bernadette: Why didn't you tell me?
Penny: Well, I was gonna, but I didn't think it would go past the first date. When it did, I thought for sure it wouldn't go past you meeting his mother. Definitely not past the two of you sleeping together. I mean, the warning signs were there. This is really on you.
Raj: And then, there was the time Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and wanted his little kosher pickle! Of all the Howard humping hooker stories, that is my favorite!
Howard: Tell her I'm really sorry and if she doesn't want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she's disgusted by is the guy that I'm disgusted by too, but that guy doesn't exist any more. He's gone and the reason is because of her. So if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man and tell her thank you.
Penny: Oh my God, Howard. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. And it came out of you.
Sheldon: Howard, you are a good friend and I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga! I don't!
Leonard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Double-Bazinga! I do!
Raj: What about the tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-Con?
Howard: I don't remember. Please sit down.
Raj: The only threesome I've had in my whole life, and I'm proud to say it was with this man. Now, don't get me wrong, nothing happend with me and Howard. There was about 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Sheldon: (laughs) I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling!
Leonard: A word of caution: I would not do your Steven Hawking impression in front of him.
Howard: (wiggling his lips to sound like Hawking) You're right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Sheldon! I need your help!
Sheldon: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?
Mrs. Wolowitz: It's this dress! When I put my front in, my back pops out! When I put my back in, my front pops out! It's like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub.
Sheldon: What do you want me to do?
Mrs. Wolowitz: We're gonna have to work as a team! Get in here, grab a handful and start stuffing!
Sheldon: I'm not sure how to do this.
Mrs. Wolowitz: It's easy. Just pretend you're puttin' away a sleeping bag.
Sheldon: Sleeping bags don't usually sweat this much, but okay.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Now zip me up.
Sheldon: Oh, if we squeeze you any tighter, you might turn into a diamond.
Mrs. Wolowitz: You're right. Who am I kidding? You shoulda seen me when I was young, Sheldon. The fellas used to line up and bring me boxes of candy. Why did I eat it all?
Howard: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk; why on Earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!
Howard: So, I got the craziest e-mail this morning.
Raj: I don't mean to burst your bubble, dude, but those penile enlargement pills do not work.
Howard: Believe me, I know.
Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.
Stephen Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just... came to me one morning in the shower.
Stephen Hawking: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon: What do you mean, wrong?
Stephen Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite a boner.
Sheldon: (frantically flipping through his paper) No, no... th-th-th-that can't be right. I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
Stephen Hawking: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon: Oh, no! No, no, of course not. It's just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo. And I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
(faints)
Stephen Hawking: Great. Another fainter.
Sheldon: You don't think I'm condescending, do you?
Penny: Well...
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Condescending means...
Penny: I know what it means!
Sheldon: Howard, please. This is Steven Hawking! Perhaps my only intellectual equal.
Howard: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon: Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific!
Howard: But... in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon: What kinds of things?
Howard: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon: Of course.
Howard: You should be so lucky.
Sheldon: (wearing a French maid costume) What are you all staring at? Did you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?
Sheldon: Alright! What would you like me to do first?
Howard: I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon: Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my mee-maw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard: That's nice.
(Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container)
Sheldon: That's a lot of belt buckles.
Howard: Funny thing is, I only have one belt.
Bernadette: Sheldon doesn't know when he's being mean because the part of his brain that should know is getting a wedgie from the rest of his brain.
Howard: All right, Sheldon, there's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No. About my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Ah, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
(pause)
Leonard: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me, I'd take it and run.
Leonard: That's Crazy!
Sheldon: Try to put yourself in my place. Imagine, you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but dogs. And then it turns out there's another human being.
Howard: Hang on, are you saying the rest of us are dogs?
Sheldon: Oh okay, I see you're gonna take this the wrong way. Let me try again. Imagine you're the sole human being living on a planet populated with nothing but chimps.
Raj: (to Howard) You can make him do anything you want.
Bernadette: Why are you doing that? You're being mean to him.
Howard: He's mean to me all the time. You've heard him tease me about not having a doctorate.
Bernadette: If you don't wanna get teased about that, then get a doctorate. I have one, they're great.
Howard: Maybe a different language would help. Russion: nyet, Chinese: bu, Japanese: iie, Klingon: qo', binary coded ascii: 0110111001100111.
Sheldon: It's actually 0110111...
Howard: No!
Sheldon: Howard, please! I'm begging you!
Leonard: Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj: Three times: he begged the Fox network *not* to cancel Firefly; he begged the TNT network *to* cancel Babylon 5; and when he got food sickness at the Rose Bowl parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.
Penny: Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
Sheldon: Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon: That's close enough.
Raj: Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!
Leonard: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard: I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj: It's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard: It's no big deal.
Leonard: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?
Leonard: Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon: Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
Leonard: Really?
Raj: That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.
Sheldon: Oh, okay, let me see this.
(Starts writing)
Sheldon: Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...
(pauses)
Sheldon: Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.
Sheldon: Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
Raj: You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard: Yep.
Leonard: Still going to introduce him?
Howard: Not on your life!
Sheldon: Do you understand how important Hawking is to me? When I was 6 years old, I dressed up as him for Halloween.
Howard: You're kidding.
Sheldon: No sir. I took my dad's desk chair, attached a Speak & Spell to it and made my sister push me up and down the block to trick or treat.
Bernadette: At the school dance the nuns made us have space between us for the Holy spirit
Howard: Hindi's do the same thing but with cows
Raj: I love your charming racist humor but can you not mock my religion while she's
(Lakshmi)
Raj: here
Howard: Yesterday you made fun of me for eating lox
Raj: It's different, you don't worship lox
Howard: Clearly you've never had brunch with my cousins
Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken!
Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, 'Best things in life are free'.
Penny: Okay, you're right, I eat your food a lot. Now, how 'bout this: you can raid my fridge any time you want.
Sheldon: Oh, that's very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I'll come a-knocking.
Raj: Hello Mummy, Daddy, how are you?
Mrs. Koothrappali: Pretty good. Can't complain.
Dr. Koothrappali: Oh, I'm sure you can. Just give it a minute.
Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your *eyes* and, and not your muscular Nebraskan man hands.
Sheldon: I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins; slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.
Leonard: Mmmm, you liked Professor Geyster's wedding.
Sheldon: They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. Oh, that was a night to remember. D'you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.
Leonard: Once you open the box, it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
Raj: I think I'd like you to help me find a wife
Mrs. Koothrappali: Just to be clear, a female wife?
Sheldon: (Dreams he's on another planet) Oh, dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.
Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?
Howard: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.
Penny: Tada!
Sheldon: A vintage, mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter, with real transporter action. Hotdarn!
Leonard: Where did you get that?
Penny: That's from Stuart at the comic book store.
Leonard: You went to the comic book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah! It was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.
Sheldon: This calls for an expression of gratitude.
Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare, Sheldon Cooper hug?
Sheldon: No, not this time, then they wouldn't be special.
(makes a finger-gun gesture)
Sheldon: Thanks, Penny!
Penny: You're welcome. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you... a label maker!
Leonard: Ahh... No, it's great. Also... it's mint in box.
Penny: And... I got you a transporter too!
Leonard: Awesome!
Raj: All right, uh, fine. I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody. Koothrappali plus one.
Leonard: Who are you bringing?
Raj: (Defensively) Who are *you* bringing?
Penny: He's bringing me. And who are you bringing?
Raj: Wow, what a bunch of nosy O'Donnells!
Sheldon: And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.
Leonard: And that's a lie, right?
Sheldon: A big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.
Mr. Spock: Well, I am unhappy.
Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.
Mr. Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan.
Mr. Spock: Dr. Cooper! Dr. Cooper!
Sheldon: Is someone there?
Mr. Spock: Down here, on your desk.
Sheldon: Spock?
Mr. Spock: I need to speak with you.
Sheldon: Fascinating! The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.
Mr. Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.
Sheldon: Was I hit on the head by a coconut?
Mr. Spock: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand, you need to play with the transporter toy.
Sheldon: Yes, but it's mint in box.
Mr. Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy its value. But remember like me, you also have a human-half.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not going to dignify *that* with a response!
Mr. Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?
Sheldon: To be played with.
Mr. Spock: Therefore, to not play with it would be...?
Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it, Spock, you're right! I'll do it!
Mr. Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right?
Raj: I'm not *gay*! If anything, I'm metrosexual.
Dr. Koothrappali: What's that?
Raj: It means I like women as well as their skin-care products.
Raj: So while I'm waiting for this mysterious perfect match - who may or may not exist - I'm supposed to just be alone?
Bernadette: Not necessarily. I think we've found someone for you to cuddle with.
(lifts a dog out of her purse)
Raj: Oh my goodness. Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever! You got him for me?
Howard: Her. We thought you two would hit it off.
Raj: I think we already have. Thank you guys so much.
(to the dog)
Raj: Let's go see if you fit in my man-purse.
Bernadette: Metrosexual my ass!
Lakshmi: Fill in the blank: "I love the night life..."
Raj: "I like to boogie."
Lakshmi: Got you.
Raj: With women! I like to boogie with women!
Lakshmi: That's disappointing. You were exactly the kind of phoney-baloney husband I was looking for.
Raj: Thank you. And once again, my baloney likes girls.
Sheldon: Knock Knock.
Leonard: Who's there?
Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.
Leonard: Interrupting physi...
Sheldon: Muon!
Sheldon: You know what you are? well you're a green-blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it's time you beam on outta here.
Mr. Spock: Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right, you broke it.
Sheldon: Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energize.
(picks up the Spock action figure and throws it)
Lakshmi: Well, there's a rumor back in New Delhi that you're, how shall we say, comfortable in a sari.
Raj: I'm not gay!
Lakshmi: Really? The chocolate lava cakes? The little soaps in the bathroom? And I'm sorry, but you're wearing more perfume than I am.
Sheldon: It was me. I opened your toy... discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.
Leonard: Why would you open mine?
Sheldon: I didn't, that was a lie. I opened my own toy... and it was already broken, so I switched them.
Leonard: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
Sheldon: I can't because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it, and when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Leonard: Okay, that I believe.
Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard: Yeah? I'm glad.
Sheldon: It's like looking at the universe naked.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, the game offers us a choice between playing for the Republic and the light side or the Sith Empire and the dark side.
Leonard: We're always the good guys! In D&D, we're lawful good. In City of Heroes, we're the heroes. In Grand Theft Auto, we pay the prostitutes promptly and never hit them with a bat!
Sheldon: Those women are prostitutes? You said they were raising money for stem cell research!
Sheldon: All right then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.
Penny: What's that?
Sheldon: I'm gonna run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.
Amy: Gentlemen, as much as I'm sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party.
Sheldon: Just tell her I can't come.
Amy: She'll be disappointed if we don't show up!
Sheldon: She's 93. She won't be disappointed for very long.
Sheldon: I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale!
Raj: Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard: Mmm, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
Howard: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard: Good point. I'm in!
Raj: You know what would be great? Let's do it like the old days.
Leonard: You talking gaming marathon?
Raj: Yeah! Start Saturday morning, go 48 hours, sleeping bags, junk food...
Howard: Turn off our phones so our moms can't call...
Leonard: It'd be like our World of Warcraft party a few years ago when the neighbors called the cops on us!
Howard: They called the cops because of the smell. They thought we were dead!
Raj: We were bad-ass back in the day.
Leonard: Alright, let's do it!
Howard: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming!
Raj: It's on! Like Alderaan!
Penny: Sometimes when you're in a relationship with someone you really care about, the sucky part is it leaves you open to getting hurt.
Amy: Do you ever worry about Leonard doing that to you?
Penny: That's hilarious! No.
Sheldon: These are Cooper Coupons. These are for various things I can do for you. This one is for one free grammar check. You can use it for emails, letters, tattoos, what have you. Oh, this is a fun one! This is an afternoon with me at the California Science Center, where I point out their mistakes.
Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here!
Howard: You're a grown man! Act like one! Tell Amy you wanna spend the weekend having a sleepover and playing video games with your friends!
Amy: That'd be my boyfriend. Happier playing his dopey Star Trek game with his friends than hanging out with me.
Penny: Wars.
Amy: What?
Penny: Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.
Amy: Well, what's the difference?
Penny: There's absolutely no difference!
Raj: None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend! It was going to be like the old days: the four of us, hanging out, playing video games, before you guys all got girlfriends! Do you have any idea what's it like to be the only one *without* a girlfriend? Even if I get one someday, I'll still be the guy who got a girl after *Sheldon Cooper*!
Penny: And that's how a girl makes a scene.
Amy: Now, hang on! I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement! I made a written request seventy-two hours in advance! Checked the tire pressure on the car.! I even contacted the Centers for Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County! FYI, it's none.
Sheldon: Amy, the Relationship Agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy: You use it to get your way!
Sheldon: I use it to get the *right* way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.
Penny: Who's Armand the miniature horse breeder?
Amy: The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back. It unraveled quickly when I couldn't answer the question "How'd you two meet?"
Penny: I would have thought at a miniature horse show.
Amy: Oh, that's good!
Mrs. Wolowitz: (pounds on the door) Howard Joel Wolowitz, I've been worried sick for two days and I know you turned off your phone! You open up this door right now, because I've had it up to here! I have been to the morgue and the hospital and I've spent the last half hour walking up these farkakte stairs!
Howard: That's my ride. Gotta go.
(Sheldon uses the 'whip-crack' app sound)
Sheldon: When's the last time I asked you to do something for me?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn't a medical emergency?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Amy: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you and you're going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn't that a little rude?
Sheldon: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won't hear a word the old geezers are saying.
Leonard: Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars marathon!
Raj: Woo-hoo!
Leonard: Movies or video-games? Or board games? Or trading card games? Or Legos? Or dress-up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!
Leonard: We are going to play the on-line game.
Sheldon: The on-line game. Bully!
Sheldon: I think I understand. You're the one person who can say Sheldon Cooper is your boyfriend, but that rings hollow if you can't lord him over others in the flesh.
Sheldon: Who wants to spend the whole weekend running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made-up monsters? That's for babies!
Leonard: Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.
Sheldon: Please, Amy! It's got lightsabers!
Raj: When Gandhi advocated his philosophy of nonviolence, I bet he didn't know how much fun it was killing stuff!
Penny: Amy? What's the matter?
Amy: My boyfriend's a jerk!
Penny: Well, I know he didn't *cheat* on you!
Amy: I'm dating Sheldon Cooper!
Penny: Yeah. On *purpose*!
Amy: Sheldon Cooper, I've got a bone to pick with you and I'm about to do it in front of all your friends!
Penny: Yeah! You pick that bone! You pick that bone clean!
Penny: (to Amy about Sheldon) Girlfriend 101: you withhold sex from him. But, that only works once Sheldon reaches puberty.
Leonard: I'd make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn't in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.
Leonard: Bernadette, remember your character's the healer in our group! You're in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard!
Bernadette: I can't help it. My Howie-Wowie has an owie!
Sheldon: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced and I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.
Penny: Why did you get bongos?
Sheldon: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I'd give that a try.
Leonard: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Penny: Leonard, it's three o'clock in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!
Leonard: Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.
Sheldon: Fine. But if I come out of this looking like a dork, it's on you.
(Sheldon sits down and Angelo starts preparations to cut his hair)
Angelo: So my kid did the funniest thing today...
Sheldon: No.
(Stands up and walks out)
Leonard: (to Angelo) When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: Trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Leonard: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Sheldon: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.
Howard: (Describing survival training) I ate a butterfly. It was so small... beautiful... I was so hungry.
Sheldon: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day - but all my efforts: our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet - it's clear now; I've been wasting my time.
Leonard: Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.
Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon: Amy, what do you think?
Amy: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
Amy: Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I'm looking for a barber, and I'm running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of four point six yoctometers per femtosecond. And if you're quiet, you can hear it.
Amy: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon: I tried once. They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.
Sheldon: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a nephew.
Penny: (Penny is cutting Sheldon's hair) Almost done.
Sheldon: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
Penny: Well, sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.
Sheldon: That's okay, I never understood them anyway.
Howard: Could you do me a favor and overnight me some more underwear?
Bernadette: Sure. Why?
Howard: I got a look at the centrifuge they're gonna spin me around in tomorrow and I have a hunch I packed a little light.
Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Wherever the music takes me, kitten.
Penny: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your neck a little, and then you are good to go.
Sheldon: Okay.
(Sheldon jerks and laughs)
Sheldon: I'm sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
Penny: Okay.
(Sheldon throws back his head, laughing, and the clippers slide up the back of his head)
Penny: Okay, yup, we're all done now.
(grabs the hand mirror)
Penny: Let me just take that away from you.
(removes towel from his shoulders)
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon: Thank you very much.
Penny: You are welcome.
(Sheldon leaves)
Penny: Yup, I'm going to have to move.
Amy: Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
Sheldon: Why don't I let my hair grow out? Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks and seeking validation of my opinions by asking: "Can you dig it?"
Amy: Well, I don't know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse. Bareback and barechested...
(pauses)
Amy: I'm gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.
Howard: (Describing survival training) I'm severely dehydrated.
(embarrassed pause)
Howard: My pee is like toothpaste.
Penny: Sweetie, are you all right?
Sheldon: No, I'm not all right. It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut. And nothing horrible has happened.
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Sheldon: Leonard, explain it to her.
Leonard: Oh. Uh, he's crazy.
Penny: If I were you, I'd be worried that a girl who's never played chess in her life just kicked your ass.
Bernadette: Is there anything I can do to help?
Howard: No... wait, send more underwear.
Bernadette: (about Howard's survival training) Do you sleep in tents?
Howard: No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground, with my bare hands. And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in... and spooned me.
Sheldon: Thank you for letting me sleep on your couch.
Amy: There's only so many times a woman can say "How about the bed?".
Leonard: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit.
Sheldon: You're right. I should embrace the chaos.
Leonard: Great! What are you gonna do first?
Sheldon: I don't know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster.
(hammers his hand at the table)
Sheldon: I got it. I'm gonna put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.
Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill-folk. But here in town we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, and sure-as-shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle blonde...
Leonard: (interrupting) Sheldon, be nice!
Sheldon: I'm sorry. It's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.
Penny: So, if I move my horsey here... Isn't that checkmate and I win?
Leonard: (long pause) Hm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn't it?
Leonard: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh... it's your first real game, I threw a lot of information at you...
Penny: Uh, no, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse, and he can't go here because because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. And that's... that's what chess is all about.
Sheldon: (coming in) Hello.
Leonard: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon: Nah, why? My spot, your spot... What difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard: I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.
Leonard: I'm just going to run to the store and get a few things; I'll pick you up when you're done.
Sheldon: Okay. I-I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
Angelo: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.
Angelo: I'm sorry. Uncle Tony's in hospital. He's pretty sick.
Sheldon: Oh, dear. Mr. D'Onofrio is in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?
Angelo: I could cut it for you.
Sheldon: You're not Mr. D'Onofrio. I get my haircut by Mr. D'Onofrio.
(to Leonard)
Sheldon: You believe this guy?
Leonard: (waking up by hearing rhythm sounds) Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please, don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
(gets up, walks into the living room)
Sheldon: (playing bongos, "sings" to the rhythms) Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn't know that I had bongos.
Leonard: Sheldon, it's three o'clock in the morning.
Sheldon: (sings) Three in the morning is a good time for bongos!
Leonard: I was sleeping!
Sheldon: (sings) Leonard sleeps while I play bongos!
Leonard: No, he doesn't.
Sheldon: (sings) Leonard no sleep while I play bongos! Bongo solo!
(plays wilder)
Sheldon: (sings off screen) I play bongos walking down the stairs.
Sheldon: (falls) Oh! Oh!
(Penny looks freaked and worried at the same time)
Sheldon: (continues singing) Never play bongos walking down the stairs!
Sheldon: (singing) I play bongos, walkin' down the stairs.
Sheldon: (He falls) Oh, ow!
Sheldon: (singing) Never play bongos walkin' down the stairs.
Howard: I got to experience zero gravity.
Bernadette: Cool. How do they do that?
Howard: It's pretty neat. You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for like 20 seconds and then straight back down like it's gonna crash, and they do it over and over again, no matter how many times you throw up.
Bernadette: You threw up?
Howard: Yeah. And the craziest part is because there's no gravity, the throw-up kind of floats there. In a little ball, and if your mouth is open because you're screaming, sometimes it just floats right back in.
Leonard: (about the basketball competition) All right, we gave it 45 minutes. It's no longer funny. Let's try something else.
Sheldon: And let him win? Do I look crazy to you?
Raj: At least you finally got a window that opens. That's nice.
Sheldon: Is it? Listen.
Raj: What? You don't like wind chimes?
Sheldon: No. I hate them, but it gets worse... There it is!
Howard: The bird?
Sheldon: It's completely out of tune with the wind chimes.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: You don't get it, do you? That's a mockingbird. Mockingbirds can change their song. Which means, he's out of tune on purpose. He's mocking me.
Kripke: How does it work?
Sheldon: Oh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Kripke: I'm sowwy, can you wepeat that?
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Kripke: Almost got it. One more time?
Sheldon: Sure! Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...
Howard: Hey, Sheldon!
Sheldon: ...rock crushes...
Howard: Stop. He's screwing with you.
Sheldon: Is he? Well, then, seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
Leonard: All right, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Five what?
Leonard: Balls in the basket.
(Sheldon gives a thumbs-up to Leonard)
Penny: (to Amy) I cannot believe you've never seen "Grease".
Amy: My mother didn't allow me to watch it. She was afraid it might encourage me to join a gang.
Howard: It's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard: I wonder how long Sheldon's got?
Sheldon: These shrimp are all the same size. There is no logical order to eat them in.
(Throws shrimp away)
Leonard: It can't be very long.
Leonard: Why is there a hole here?
Sheldon: Why is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or, the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.
Penny: (taking the painting of her and Amy down) Okay, let us take you off the wall.
(she puts it behind the couch)
Penny: Out of sight, out of mind... I wish.
Amy: You know, can I borrow that movie? Those singing hooligans really got my motor running.
Penny: (giving her the "Grease" DVD) Sure, sure, enjoy. I mean, get it back to me when you can. Or you know what? Actually, you keep it. It's just going to be my gift to you. Bye.
Amy: (taking DVD) Thank you.
Raj: I paid $25 to some kid on eBay for a handcrafted Harry Potter wand. He sent me a stick. He went into his backyard, he picked up a stick.
Howard: It's numbered.
Raj: Heh. Ooh. Limited edition. Nice!
Leonard: (Sheldon has gotten his head stuck in a hole in his office wall) Why would you do that?
Sheldon: I wanted to see what was inside.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It's called scientific curiosity!
Leonard: (Watching Sheldon and Kripke play basketball badly) You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us?
Raj: Yeah.
Leonard: I get it.
Howard: Sheldon was higher.
Leonard: Congratulations Sheldon. You win the office.
Sheldon: Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now?
Amy: Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl! With a posse, a boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!
Amy: Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Good night, real Amy.
Amy: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy, because she's never leaving.
Bernadette: Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Bye.
Bernadette: Good night, transvestite Penny.
Sheldon: (to the mockingbird) And you! The notes are C, D, E, G, and A. You pick one or I'm chopping down that tree!
Amy: Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Good night, real Amy.
Amy: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy because she's never leaving.
Sheldon: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force.
(Throws ball, it falls short of the basket)
Sheldon: I'm gonna need more force.
Leonard: There's not much you're both equally good at.
Raj: Is there anything you're both equally bad at?
Sheldon, Kripke: Sports.
Bernadette: I have to get up early. My company is developing a steroid that doesn't shrink testicles, and the last one there has to do the measuring.
Sheldon: (in the rest room) President Seibert?
President Siebert: Can't this wait?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, we just need a word.
President Siebert: Now? You realize I'm your boss and I am holding my penis.
Kripke: Sheldon, give the man some pwivacy. I'm sowwy, this guy's got no wespect for boundawies.
Sheldon: Kripke. Come in. I'm making tea. Would you like a cup?
Kripke: Am I weawing a summer fwock? No, I don't want tea. Wet's get down to bwass tacks.
Sheldon: Fine. In the interest of preserving our friendship...
Kripke: We're not fwiends.
Sheldon: Well, that's a little hard to hear, but all right. As you know, the essence of diplomacy is compromise. With that in mind, I propose the following. I will take Rothman's office, and you will find a way to be okay with that.
Kripke: How about I take Wothman's office and you go suck a wemon?
Sheldon: This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard: You just called dibs.
Sheldon: Shut it.
Penny: (about the painting of her and Amy) It's got to go.
Bernadette: What will you tell Amy?
Penny: How about I tell her the painting makes you feel jealous because you're not in it?
Bernadette: Nuh-uh. What if she gets me one? I already have a picture of me and Howard's mom getting our hair cornrowed in Venice Beach. I've suffered enough.
Penny: Well, I guess I could take it down and put it up when she comes over, but it's kind of heavy.
Bernadette: Mmm, too bad you're not as strong as the dude in the painting.
Sheldon: Oh dear! There it is again. Do you feel it?
Howard: The growing realization that you are one wacky bastard? Yep.
Sheldon: No, the vibration. We are directly underneath the Geology lab and they're running their confounded sieve shakers again. Hey gravel monkeys! If you need to shake rocks, try jiggling your heads around!
Sheldon: (at the urinals at work) Kripke.
Kripke: Yes.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Bernadette: Good night, real Penny.
(looks at the painting of Penny)
Bernadette: Good night, transvestite Penny.
Bernadette: (she and Penny are staring at the painting of Amy and Penny) That is big.
Penny: So big.
Bernadette: And ugly.
Penny: So ugly. What am I gonna do?
Bernadette: I don't know. You can't take it down. You'll break her heart. Look at that face. That enormous, unsettling, crazy face.
Penny: Is there any chance I'll learn to love it?
Bernadette: That depends. Do you like pictures of yourself where you look like a man?
Sheldon: (Knock on door) Ooh. That'll be Kripke.
Leonard: What's he doing here?
Sheldon: We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.
Amy: (noticing the painting of her and Penny is missing) Where did the painting go?
Penny: (gestures behind couch) Over there.
Amy: Why?
Penny: I have no idea. That is weird.
Amy: You hate it.
Penny: No, no, no, it's just, it's a little big.
Amy: (taking the painting) I feel like an idiot.
Penny: No, come on, you're not an idiot. Look, just help me put it back up.
Amy: Why? So you can just take it down when I leave? I don't need your pity.
(walks out with painting)
Penny: Oh, Amy, come on!
Amy: (crying) I'm just glad I didn't go for the sculpture!
Sheldon: Ah, the spoils. I can see why victors love them.
Sheldon: Mr. Rothman, this isn't your office anymore. You're retired.
Professor Rothman: I think the word you're looking for is "invisible".
Sheldon: I see no other option but to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.
Sheldon: If the guard at the University asks what's under the blanket, you tell him it's some lobster traps.
Leonard: Lobster traps?
Sheldon: Yes, that's how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.
Sheldon: I'm on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.
Penny: (after Howard says he won't sign a pre-nup) Alright Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not going to happen, we had a meeting.
Leonard: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon: One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab.
Sheldon: (turns to Howard) Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan project.
Howard: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon: Now you do too.
Sheldon: I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998, and... it's still alive.
Amy: We can be like Marie Curie and her husband Pierre, who spent their days working side by side bathed in the glow of their love and the radium that ultimately killed her. Screw Beauty and the Beast, *that's* the love story Disney should tell.
Amy: I'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's going to be be romantic.
Sheldon: Way to kill the mood.
Sheldon: Here you go! This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.
Sheldon: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.
Penny: I'm a believer in breaking bad news to a guy when you're in bed. That's how I told my high school boyfriend I slept with his brother. That's how I told his brother the same thing.
Bernadette: I don't know. I don't wanna manipulate him with sex.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, that's what sex is for.
Howard: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon: (laughing) Oh, oh lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!
Leonard: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!
Amy: Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence... Does the locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?
Amy: No. But your thumb does.
Sheldon: Oh dear!
(faints)
Amy: Yeah, *you're* a biologist.
Sheldon: Excuse me! You have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You're gonna make him do dishes? That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar!
Bernadette: Are you mad at me?
Howard: No. I'm not mad at you; I just wish you would have come to me so I didn't have to hear it through the nerd-vine.
Bernadette: So, what are we going to do?
Howard: You really want me to sign a pre-nup?
Bernadette: I don't know. My dad's pretty insistent on it though.
Howard: Why don't I talk to your dad? Man to man.
Bernadette: Really? Ah, that'd be so great
Howard: Done.
Bernadette: I should probably give you a heads up about a couple things. Even though he's retired from the police force, he still carries his gun. But don't worry, he wont shoot it; it's more of a fashion statement.
Howard: Okay.
Bernadette: And just to be safe, when you talk to him don't bring up Jimmy Carter, gardeners, foreign people, homosexuals, Sean Penn, Vatican II, gun control, organic food, the designated hitter rule, recycling or the fact that you're Jewish.
Howard: Got it, got it. Will you email me that list?
Bernadette: So the thing to watch for: if he's shouting at you, you're okay, but if he starts to get real quiet leave as quickly as you can without making eye contact. Not in a straight line; throw some zigs and zags in there.
Howard: Y'know, th- this isn't that pressing. Why don't I talk to him about it in May?
Bernadette: In May you're going to be on the International Space Station.
Howard: They got phones.
Penny: If I tell you something, you promise not to tell anybody?
Leonard: Doesn't matter what I say, you're gonna tell me anyway.
Penny: Wha...? That is not true. Bernadette wants a prenup.
Leonard: Wow. That's rough.
Penny: If I became a famous movie star and we got married, you wouldn't sign a prenup?
Leonard: Heh, absolutely not. If I'm gonna be at home with the kids while you're on location cheating on me with Ryan Gosling, then Leonard gots to get paid.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard: Five.
Sheldon: Un-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard: E.
Sheldon: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj: Gamma.
Sheldon: I said funny.
Raj: Upsilon?
Sheldon: Good one! And an electrical charge.
Leonard: Positive.
Sheldon: Ha. Perfect. Get this.
(reads)
Sheldon: Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of
(laughs)
Sheldon: E to the upsilon as in a
(breaks up laughing)
Sheldon: Okay, no no, ahem. I'll start over. Professor Jo-
(breaks up laughing again)
Raj: President Siebert is headed this way.
Howard: I wonder what he wants.
Leonard: Well, he doesn't look happy, so I assume he wants to talk to Sheldon.
President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: Told ya.
Penny: (to Sheldon and Howard at the bar) What are you guys doing here?
Howard: We're grown men. We drink at bars.
Penny: No, and no.
Amy: Wash 'em again.
Sheldon: You're being ridiculous. Those are perfectly clean.
Amy: Sheldon, this beaker used to contain cerebral spinal fluid from an elephant that died of syphilis. If it's, in fact, perfectly clean, drink from it.
Sheldon: Biologists are mean.
Sheldon: My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child. A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach. I got the message.
Sheldon: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
Leonard: Is that your laundry? You only have, like, six things in there.
Penny: Yeah. I didn't have any quarters, so I've been sneaking stuff into other people's loads all day.
Amy: Do you honestly think you can just waltz back in here after the way you behaved yesterday?
Sheldon: I was not myself. I had lost a lot of thumb blood.
Amy: That's not an apology.
Sheldon: That is your opinion.
Amy: I want a real apology.
Sheldon: I'm sorry that you weren't able to...
Sheldon: No.
Sheldon: that my genius...
Amy: No.
Sheldon: that the soap was...
Amy: Sheldon!
Raj: Mr. Roper's dead? You can't just spring that on a guy!
President Siebert: So then I'll see you all on Monday. Except for you.
Sheldon: But if I don't come in to work, what am I supposed to do with myself?
President Siebert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: (sarcastically) No, you should go.
Penny: I'm so glad you talked Howard out of having your wedding invitations in Klingon.
Bernadette: Turn it over. I'm hoping my relatives think it's Hebrew.
Amy: I'm sorry, Sheldon. I'm busy. I'm right in the middle of my addiction study. I've got a lab full of alcoholic monkeys, and tomorrow's the day we switch them to O'Douls.
(Sheldon sounds a virtual klaxon in Leonard's bedroom)
Leonard: Yahhh! What the hell!
Sheldon: Emergency preparedness drill.
Leonard: Oh, no, come on!
Sheldon: You know how it works. Once a quarter; keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine sleepyhead, half the town is probably dead.
Leonard: I have to get a lock for my door.
Sheldon: I was just sitting at home, thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favorite person.
Stuart: Ninth?
Sheldon: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates.
Sheldon: An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!
(During a blackout Leonard and Penny start to make out. Sheldon walks in unannounced)
Sheldon: Excuse me, Leonard.
Leonard: Since when DON'T you knock? It's like the only good thing about you!
Raj: Dude, if you're going to be an astronaut, you need to pick a cool nickname.
Howard: I don't get to pick it. The other guys have to give it to me.
Raj: If I had one, it would be Brown Dynamite.
Howard: Are you not listening to me? The other astronauts have to give you your nickname.
Raj: Are you not looking at me? I *am* Brown Dynamite!
Sheldon: Now, put on your hard had and safety vest.
Leonard: Oh, fun! I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of The Village people.
Sheldon: You make that joke every three months; I still don't get it.
Sheldon: My apologies. I would have been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.
Massimino: Hey, Howard. Thanks for getting up so early.
Howard: No problem, Dr. Massimino.
Massimino: The guys here call me Mass.
Howard: Mass. That's a cool nickname, because force equals mass times acceleration.
Massimino: Yeah, it's just short for Massimino.
Sheldon: (to Amy) You're my girlfriend and you're not going to cater to my every need? Oh, where'd the magic go?
Penny: Sheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for. Although, you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know...
Penny: I got some candles in my apartment.
Sheldon: Candles, during a blackout! Are you mad! That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water & Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
Leonard: You call that a glow stick?
(Pulls out a glowing lightsaber replica)
Leonard: That is a glow stick.
Leonard: Sometimes crazy looks like sad so it'll suck you back in.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Your Froot Loops are getting soggy!
Howard: Not now!
Massimino: Who's that?
Howard: My mom. Sorry.
Massimino: No problem... Froot Loops.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! Are you coming down for breakfast?
Howard: Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA! I said don't bother me!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Oh, listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Howard: Yes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Leonard: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California
Sheldon: Yeah really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?
Sheldon: So, um. how are you?
Stuart: Uh, not so good; my shrink just killed himself. Blamed me in the note.
Sheldon: Great, great.
Penny: Oh, good, your power's out too.
Leonard: Why is that good?
Penny: Because last month I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.
Sheldon: Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
Leonard: I don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.
Sheldon: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship and strips down the Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities, and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. "S'up?"
Leonard: Where do I sign?
Sheldon: Right here.
(turns his tablet around)
Sheldon: Use your finger.
Leonard: There, done.
Sheldon: All right, that's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story: You have not got a friend in me!
Sheldon: Two years ago, after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus, but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.
Stuart: Sheldon, I'm working; I can't take you to the dentist. Also, and I can't stress this enough, I don't want to take you to the dentist.
Sheldon: He'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark; he's going to be bored out of his mind.
Leonard: It's just a blackout. I'm sure the power'll be back on soon.
Sheldon: And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.
Sheldon: I'll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness, unsatisfactory; follows direction, barely; attitude, a little too much. Overall, not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else's day.
Raj: What about we make your astronaut nickname Howard "Buzz" Wolowitz.
Howard: You can't do Buzz. Buzz is taken.
Raj: Buzz Lightyear's not real.
Howard: No, that's not what I'm talking about.
Raj: Well, are you talking about when he thought he was real.
Howard: No.
Raj: Ok, um, oh, how about Crash? Howard "Crash" Wolowitz?
Howard: Yeah, terrific; the other astronauts would love to go hurtling through space with a man named Crash.
Howard: Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette: He's gonna learn to poop in space.
Howard: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.
Sheldon: Here's an interesting fact about flags.
Raj: I will take that action.
Sheldon: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence; a fact that wasn't discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of fascism.
Leonard: Atta boy, Hofstatdter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies.
Amy: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.
Sheldon: Careful. It's that kinda sass that can get a person uninvited to this year's Who Con.
Raj: Do you have a last name, Siri?
Siri: My name is Siri.
Raj: One name. Just like Cher, Madonna, Adele... all the ladies that rock me.
Raj: My name is Rajesh, but you can call me Raj.
Siri: Would you like me to call you Raj?
Raj: I'd like you to call me Sexy.
Siri: From now on, I'll call you Sexy. Okay?
Raj: Okay.
Sheldon: (Opening the German/Bavarian themed episode, Sheldon is dressed as a stereotypical German) Guten tag, das YouTube! Ich bin ein Bavarian.
Amy: (Dressed as one and bouncing a bit to the music) Und ich bin eine pretzel.
Sheldon: Und this is Sheldon Cooper Presents "Fun
Amy: Mit
Sheldon: Flags."
Leonard: So, I've got a gunshot wound. That's pretty badass.
Penny: No, you've got a Reebok with a gunshot wound and an ouchie on your pinky toe.
Raj: Thank you, Darling.
Siri: You're most certainly welcome, Sexy.
Sheldon: Well done, Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: Siri, play some soft jazz, please.
Siri: Playing soft jazz.
(Kenny G plays)
Raj: Kenny G! This woman can read me like a book. I can't believe bought my soulmate at Glendale Galleria.
Sheldon: Hello. I'm Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next fifty-two weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.
Amy: Hang on, Doctor C, what's vexillology?
Sheldon: Vexillology is the study of flags.
Amy: Cool! I think I just learned something.
Sheldon: Did you have fun doing it?
Amy: I'll say!
Sheldon: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast. Not unlike the only two-sided state flag. Oregon.
(holds up flag)
Sheldon: Oh, look.
(turns flag around)
Sheldon: Hello, Mister Beaver. In future episodes we'll answer some burning questions. What's the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.
Amy: Sweet!
Sheldon: Why are you waving a white flag?
Amy: I'm surrendering... to fun!
Penny: This is amazing. How did you even get this idea?
Leonard: I called your dad. I asked him what things you liked to do when you were a kid. This seemed easier than getting a cow out here so you could tip it.
Kripke: You got Siwi, huh? Voice wecognition on that thing is terrible. Wook.
(Talking into iPhone)
Kripke: Siwi, can you wecommend a westauwant?
Siri: I'm sorry, Bawwy. I don't understand "wecommend a westauwant."
Kripke: Wisten to me. Not "westauwant," *westauwant*.
Siri: I don't know what you mean by "not westauwant, westauwant."
Kripke: See? Total cwap. You suck, Siwi.
Raj: I was just talking to Siri about Peking duck, and she said she knew about four Chinese grocers, two of which are fairly close to me. Her spontaneity is contagious.
Bernadette: Who's Siri? Is he dating somebody new?
Howard: Yes. His phone.
Bernadette: Is that cute or creepy?
Howard: Uh-huh.
Siri: (Raj enters Siri's office) Steve, I found six vacuum cleaner repair shops in your area. Four are fairly close to you.
Raj: Ahem.
Siri: Hello, Sexy. What can I help you with?
(Raj cannot speak)
Siri: If you'd like to make love to me, just tell me.
Raj: Ack. Ack.
Siri: I'm sorry, I don't understand Ack, ack.
Raj: (Waking up on couch) Noooooo!
Amy: You OK?
Sheldon: No, I'm a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I'm still here.
Raj: Why don't women like me?
Siri: Let me check on that. How about a web search for "Why don't women like me?"
Raj: No need. I've already done that.
Sheldon: Flags. You got to know how to hold them. You got to know how to fold them.
Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again,
Leonard: Me too. I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. You sure you just don't miss the sex?
Leonard: Well... yeah, sex with you is pretty great; have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have; you are not wrong.
Bernadette: Sometimes Howard and I pretend that his arrhythmia is acting up, and I'm his sexy cardiologist. And the naughty part is I'm not in his HMO network.
Sheldon: Now, back to our game.
Raj: You were in the middle of an erection.
Sheldon: Oh, of course! It's right here in my hand.
Reverend White: (Penny imagines her wedding to Leonard) Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawfully wedded husband?
(Penny turns around, revealing she's pregnant)
Penny: Well, it's a little late for me to start saying no, isn't it.
(Back to reality)
Amy: Penny.
Penny: Sorry. Just remembered, I have *got* to stop by the drug store.
Sheldon: Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again-off-again relationship with her, because I'm very, very hungry.
Raj: If they ever make a movie version of that book, you know who should play Leonard's mother? Sandra Bullock.
Howard: Why?
Raj: Because she's great in everything.
Bernadette: Boy, I don't know if I could be friends with Howie if we broke up.
Howard: Why not.
Bernadette: I'm a very vengeful person.
Howard: Really?
Bernadette: With access to weaponized smallpox.
Penny: You are so funny.
Leonard: Good. Remember that when I take my shirt off.
Sheldon: The reason you're fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she's the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment - your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
Leonard: Where on earth did you get that from?
Sheldon: It's in her book, "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby".
Leonard: That doesn't make it true.
Sheldon: It's called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.
Leonard: Isn't sex after fighting kinda what we do now?
Penny: Yeah, kinda, yeah.
Sheldon: And now that I have some wood, I'm going to begin the erection of my settlements.
Raj: (sotto, to Wolowitz) He's got to be doing this on purpose.
Penny: Do not overthink this!
Leonard: Feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe indian? Tex-Mex?
Sheldon: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of amammals?
Leonard: Okay, let's talk about that.
Sheldon: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature, but they do move more sluggishly when it's cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, "Bring a sweater. It's slow outside". I love my mind.
Leonard: We all do. Now, how about dinner?
Sheldon: Oh, I would assume we'd enjoy insects, or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other's tails off and grill them; they'll just grow back.
Sheldon: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard: (Sarcastic) Oh boy, do I!
Sheldon: (to Howard) Sarcasm?
Howard: (Spiteful) No.
Sheldon: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood?
(Raj and Howard laugh)
Sheldon: Oh, come on! I just want wood! Why are you making it so hard?
(Raj and Howard laugh harder)
Howard: Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
Leonard: You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!
Raj: I guess it didn't go well.
Sheldon: Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.
(Leonard groans loudly from his room)
Howard: How about now?
Sheldon: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.
Sheldon: O-o-oh, my life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn't care for an outburst of human emotion, but oh goody, oh goody, oh goody!
Penny: (enters from closet wearing a low-cut green dress) Too much?
Bernadette: Yes.
Amy: (Simultaneously with Bernadette) No.
Penny: Okay, just hang on.
(Goes back into closet)
Amy: (to Bernadette) You just can't handle her raw sexuality, can you?
Sheldon: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: It's customary when using the restroom at a retail establishment to make a small purchase. Did you?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: (snorts) Here's two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.
Leonard: I don't want beef jerky.
Sheldon: It's not about *you*. It's about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.
Sheldon: I want to build a road, but I need wood. Either of you fellows have wood?
(Raj and Howard snicker)
Sheldon: I don't understand the laughter. The object of "Settlers of Catan" is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?
Leonard: I didn't *defile* your sister. We had a relationship.
Raj: I heard you call her "Brown Sugar". In my book, that's defilement.
Penny: (after Leonard asks her out for real) Have you thought this through?
Leonard: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.
Leonard: I don't know how you have a relationship without talking.
Penny: I went out with this one guy, T.J., for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don't even know what T.J. stands for.
Leonard: Wait, if you guys didn't talk, then... Never mind, stupid question.
Leonard: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about 'awkward'?
Leonard: That sounds right. Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny: It's Penny.
Leonard: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: Okay, uh, let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard: Ah, let's see. I am an experimental physicist at Caltech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny: Wow! Can they?
Leonard: Oh, God no! The money's pretty good. And I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard: Not "some *kind* of nerd". I am the king of nerds!
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard: Well, it means if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
Sheldon: (Sheldon discovers he's received the wrong cardboard cut-out Spock) Oh no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!
Leonard: Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
Penny: Why? Are you guys going somewhere?
Leonard: No, I mean, just you and me.
Penny: You mean like a date?
Leonard: Not "like a date", a date!
Amy: Woooooooooo!
Bernadette: Woooooooooo!
Howard: Maybe me and Bernadette aren't right for each other.
Leonard: Look, Howard, I'd say there's a lot of fish in the sea, but I watched you dangle your hook for years. Do not throw her back.
Howard: I don't want to, but this is kind of a deal breaker.
Raj: What will your mom say if you call off the wedding?
Howard: Heh, it'll kill her. If I don't give her grandchildren, that'll kill her too. So either way on the Mom front, I'm golden.
Sheldon: (game character walks into saloon) I'll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.
Leonard: You know... Digital alcohol is never a solution.
Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?
Sheldon: Well, not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don't know what it is. When they start munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope it fits! She has a tricky figure! She's short and stacked, like me!
Howard: She's not stacked like you, Ma! She never steps on hers!
Penny: Well, if it isn't Pasadena's favorite new power couple, Shamy.
Sheldon: (to Amy) And that is the answer to your question "what is wrong with going to the Cheesecake Factory?"
Sheldon: I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Penny: Oh, my God! Now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
Penny: Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor.
Sheldon: Is this how you're going to entertain children, by lying to them?
Howard: How is this lying?
Sheldon: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. "This is an ordinary tophat." "You've chosen that card freely." "I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."
Raj: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain, or up the butt?
Sheldon: Oh, Lord. A man steps out for a minute to empty his bowels and catch up on the latest adventures of the Caped Crusader, and returns to find that his apartment has transformed into a cabaret.
Sheldon: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
Howard: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard: Next time you should open with that.
Penny: So are we celebrating anything special tonight?
Amy: Oh yes! Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.
Penny: That is so hot.
Leonard: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh
Sheldon: (shown playing video game) Yes.
Leonard: How come you're not doing a mission? You're just wandering around.
Sheldon: I had a rough night, thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head.
Leonard: Some people go outside and do that.
Sheldon: I'm gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
Leonard: No, I can't. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later.
Bernadette: It's obvious having kids is really important to you and I think I came up with a solution.
Howard: Really? That's great. What?
Bernadette: Well, seeing as how I make way more money than you anyway, what if I worked and you stayed home with the kids?
Howard: Me?
Bernadette: Yeah. You know, you watch Barney and pull Cheerios out of their noses and go on play dates, and I'll work and have conversations with people my own age and enjoy my life.
Amy: (Sheldon hands Amy a gift bag, as a token of apology; Amy isn't pleased at first) Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently-manipu...
(as soon as she takes it out, her tone and demeanor instantly change and she is practically singing)
Amy: OHHH, IT'S A TIARA! A tiara! I have a tiara!
(to Penny, talking quickly as she dashes around the room)
Amy: Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me!
Penny: (helps her put it on) You... look... beautiful.
Amy: (Yelling happily) OF COURSE I DO, I AM A PRINCESS AND THIS IS MY TIARA!
(she turns, kisses, and embraces Sheldon and doesn't let go)
Sheldon: (after he slowly, but not uncomfortably, puts his arms around her, to Penny straight-faced) You were right. A tiara was too much.
Bernadette: I don't think I can meet the girl who was always mean to me, Tammy Bodnick. One time while I was in gym class she stole all my clothes and left an elf costume in my locker. The worst part was, it was too big.
Amy: That's nothing. In ninth grade, the girls put Rogaine in my hand lotion. Within six months, the nicknames began to fly. I think the one that hurt the most was Gorilla Fingers Fowler.
Leonard: God Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign to my mouth every time I speak?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?
Sheldon: (while they run) You did it, Leonard! You stood up to your bully!
Leonard: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
Sheldon: I don't need to outrun him. I just need to outrun you!
Sheldon: "One for good luck." Must be the math they do at Princeton.
Sheldon: Is this the fella who peed in your Hawaiian punch?
Leonard: No, that was a different guy.
Sheldon: Was this the guy who wedgied you so hard your testicle reascended and you spent the whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
Leonard: No, that was a different-different guy.
Sheldon: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh, oh, oh! Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
Leonard: No, that... Actually, that was this guy's sister.
Leonard: Do you want to hear something weird?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Leonard: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Sheldon: Oh. I thought it was a game.
Penny: Did Sheldon change the wi-fi password again?
Leonard: Yeah. It's "pennyalreadyeatsourfoodshecanpayforwifi". No spaces.
Penny: I feel just like Mother Teresa, except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
Bernadette: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first.
Penny: Yeah, well, I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.
Sheldon: (Watching the Nobel Prize ceremonies) Look at these men. They've managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more knowledge of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. Pay attention, Leonard. That might be you someday.
Bernadette: Honey, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. You're a good person now.
Penny: That's easy for you to say. You weren't just called a bu-bu-bu-bitch.
Sheldon: What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you're a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature, and his congenital lack of masculinity.
Leonard: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.
Sheldon: Okay, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices: an email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam-dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard: Just do it because he's not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon: And that's how it's done.
Amy: What do you say to hiding a recording device in your ample bosom?
Bernadette: I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy: Come on, strawberries, take one for the team.
Jimmy: Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you're a big time scientist now.
Sheldon: And there's the first zinger. Ouch.
Howard: Hey, we're here to support you, man.
Leonard: No, you're not. You're here to see if he can pull my underwear over my head.
Howard: You wore underwear? You fool!
Sheldon: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge your other testicle up there.
Leonard: I told you, that was a different guy.
Penny: Mm, that's too bad. Could've spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.
Sheldon: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
Leonard: I might kill him right now.
Sheldon: The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.
Sheldon: Better because he is tinier.
Sheldon: So, what do you think of new comic book night? Magic, right?
Amy: Sheldon, I'm disappointed in you. Sure, a genius such as yourself is allowed his vices. I can understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow men for sport, but this? Lame-o.
Sheldon: A. comic books are storytelling through the use of sequential art, a medium that has existed for 17,000 years back to the cave art of Lascaux; and B. you play the harp, like that's cool.
(Sheldon joins Amy and Stuart on their date)
Amy: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Though repellent's kind of a, kind of a strong word.
Sheldon: I present to you the Relationship Agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates, and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend.
Amy: It's so romantic.
Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional stand still you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching.
(pauses)
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon: Is this the kind of nagging I'm going to expect now that you're my girlfriend?
Sheldon: Now, getting back to the problem at hand, what to do with a washed-up experimental physicist.
Leonard: I am not washed-up.
Sheldon: Oh Leonard, lots of people love you and want to help you, but they can't until you admit the problem.
Sheldon: (knocks) Penny.
(knocks)
Sheldon: Amy.
(knocks)
Sheldon: Bernadette.
(Sheldon knocks on Penny's door)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny!
(knocks again)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny!
(knocks again)
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon: Penny!
Howard: This is Billy the Kid we're talking about. The wizard would get shot between the eyes before he could ever get out the words, "What the hell is Billy the Kid doing in the Mystic Realm of Ka'a?".
Penny: Looks like we killed the bottle.
Amy: I only had half a glass.
Bernadette: I didn't drink any.
Penny: Don't judge me.
Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing discipline, to the humanities or perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuffs that happened and then parrot it back. You can have fun with that.
Bernadette: We should play Limbo next. No one beats me at limbo!
Sheldon: My bowel movements run like a German train schedule.
Penny: Amy, you little vixen! Look who's been working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.
Amy: (reading Sheldon's relationship agreement) Section 5: Hand-holding. Hand-holding is only allowed under the following circumstances. A: Either party is in danger of falling off a cliff, precipice, or ledge. B: Either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a Nobel prize. C: Moral support during flu shots.
Howard: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.
Howard: Are you telling me that Sheldon's patented combination of condescension and no sex isn't enough to hold onto a woman?
Howard: You know, it's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading the comics digitally.
Leonard: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight, yay!
Bernadette: (to Amy) What are you gonna do, doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?
Penny: Oh, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She has a Sheldon.
Howard: (playing Wild West and Witches) Creepy Teepee.
Raj: Annie Ogreley
Leonard: Hocus Pocus Pocahontas.
Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship agreement, section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy: I should have gotten a lawyer.
Sheldon: There is no way that Stuart, an impoverished peddler of picture books, would be at all appealing to Amy Farrah Fowler, a noted neurobiologist capable of performing surgery on her own feet with nothing but nitrous oxide from cans of whipped cream as anesthesia.
Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice!
Amy: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
Stuart: Oh, you're welcome.
Sheldon: (Knocking from inside Amy's apartment) Amy! Amy! Amy! Let's wrap things up out there!
Amy: Umm... Good night Stuart!
Stuart: Good night!
(They hug)
Sheldon: Take a hint Stuart, the lady said good night!
Penny: Oh god, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
Sheldon: No! Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart, and whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight?
Penny: Ok, listen to me, playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
Sheldon: I'm not trying to get her back! But out of curiosity, what is a way?
Penny: What's up?
Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.
Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is... strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon: Strap on a pair? Uh, of what? Skates?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you're so not the guy.
Raj: Wild Bill Witchcock.
Leonard: A tribe of Abra-Commanches.
Sheldon: Flaming Spittoon. And for the record, I'm very disappointed in you cowpokes. We're playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, I'm the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion.
(spits into a spittoon)
Penny: Alright, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Sheldon: I believe I do.
Penny: Mhm.
Sheldon: I'm the guy.
Penny: You're not the guy.
Sheldon: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, the baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time...
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon: You tramp.
Stuart: Leonard, what's the deal with Sheldon's friend Amy? Are they a couple?
Leonard: A couple of weirdos. Why?
Howard: You interested in Amy?
Stuart: Well, she didn't look through me with soul-sucking ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman.
Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy: I'm listening.
Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes, whatsoever. Physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy: Interesting. Now, try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon: You're being impossible.
(Amy leans over to Stuart)
Amy: Hi, Stuart!
Sheldon: Fine!
(Amy leans back to Sheldon again)
Sheldon: Amy... Will you be my girlfriend?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: Well, that's enough of that.
Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat?
Sheldon: I got a splinter.
Amy: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon: Relationship Agreement Section 4: Boo-Boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Stuart: Need help finding anything you like?
Amy: Yeah, a comic book without a woman whose bosom could be used as a flotation device.
Stuart: Sorry, people who come here like big boobs. Some of them have big boobs.
Raj: Stuart, help us settle an argument. Who would win in a fight, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: I could tell you, but then I would be depriving you of the joy of finding out yourselves at the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.99.
Raj: I'll buy one.
Howard: Make that two.
Leonard: I hate you both and myself. Make it three.
Stuart: (Walking to resgister) Like shooting nerds in a barrel.
Bernadette: (picking up the bird) He's a sweetie.
Sheldon: Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully... flush him down the toilet.
Amy: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.
Sheldon: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age 12, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age 16, a parrot in a pet store calls me fat ass. Need I go on?
Raj: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.
Sheldon: This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'm at 2311 North Robles Avenue. I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I'm sorry, this is Animal Control, I don't understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911.
Sheldon: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?
Leonard: Uh, I don't know... Scree! Scree!
Sheldon: Oh, please. That's a seagull.
Penny: We were going out, you were going to get sex anyway
Leonard: Really? You would've slept with me after a three hour documentary about dams?
Penny: No, no woman would
Sheldon: (talking to a blue jay) If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey Dovey. Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You're just my Lovey Dovey, aren't you?
Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.
Amy: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.
Leonard: We're not ready to hang out as friends
Penny: I don't know, up until the last part I was really enjoying take charge Leonard, knew what you wanted, picking the movie even a little cocky
Leonard: Then maybe I'm putting sex back on the table
Penny: Maybe I like that
Leonard: If that's what you like, I can be that guy, I can be anything you want
Penny: Goodnight Leonard
Leonard: (to himself) I am such an asthmatic dumbass
Penny: (about Kevin) He's cute, look at him with his dorky glasses and hipster shirts
Leonard: I wear dorky shirts and glasses
Penny: Yeah but when you're tall and have good cheekbones, you're doing it ironically
Leonard: (To Penny) Tickets are eleven bucks, not a date
Howard: All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
Leonard: Do you think I'm overdressed?
Sheldon: Depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. To play in Vegas, I'd add sequins.
Leonard: I'm going to the movies with Penny. I don't want her to think that I think it's a date.
Sheldon: Do you think it's a date?
Leonard: No. But she might think that I think it's a date even though I don't.
Sheldon: Or you might think she thinks you think it's a date even though she doesn't.
Leonard: Are you overthinking this?
Sheldon: Not at all.
Leonard: You're right. I'm fine. I'm wearing this.
Sheldon: Really? A blazer? All right.
Leonard: (after Sheldon freaking out about the bird) Sheldon, just ignore him.
Sheldon: Good idea! Attention is what birds want.
Penny: Really? On top of everything, you're scared of birds?
Sheldon: It's called Ornithophobia, one day it will be recognized as a true disability and the landlord will be required by law to throw a giant net over the building which is unfortunate because I have a fear of nets
Penny: So what are you and professor Fussy Face up to tonight?
Leonard: Star Wars on Blu-Ray.
Penny: Haven't you seen that movie like a thousand times?
Leonard: Not on Blu-Ray.
(pauses)
Leonard: Only twice on Blu-Ray.
Raj: C'mon Sheldon, Star Wars.
Howard: I'm pushing play. I mean it. If we don't start soon, George Lucas is going to change it again.
Sheldon: (as the bird flies out the window) Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay.
Penny: You like those movies
Leonard: No I hate those movies, I only saw them cause you wanted to and I wanted to have sex
Sheldon: (after touching the bird) I did it! I actually did it... Okay, now flush him.
Penny: (to Leonard) I'm not innocent in all this but you basically called me stupid you asthmatic dumbass
Amy: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
Sheldon: You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That's a living thing. Get crackin'.
Bernadette: I specialize with microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
Amy: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird shooing.
Leonard: (Wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a backwards baseball cap) Too casual?
Sheldon: For an audience with the Queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trashcan, you look great.
Penny: It's not a date, Leonard. It's just a man and a woman hanging out, not having sex at the end of the night.
Leonard: Sounds like most of my dates.
Bernadette: I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
Sheldon: Yes. It should have a big picture of him and the words: "Is this your bird? Not anymore."
Amy: If you're keeping him, I've got a cage you can borrow. One of the test monkeys slipped on a banana peel and broke his neck. It was both tragic and hysterical.
Penny: I want to know what you told her.
Leonard: That's kind of between me and...
(looks over at Laura)
Laura: Laura.
Leonard: Laura.
Penny: Oh. Okay, I see. So while he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?
Laura: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Wears them. Not just for Halloween.
Leonard: Hey, pal. You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter.
Penny: Okay. Then I'll return the favor, and I won't tell...
(looks over at Laura)
Laura: Laura.
Penny: Laura... that half the dirty movies you own are animated.
Leonard: When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as "Waitress" in a local production of "The Cheesecake Factory"?
Penny: Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?
Leonard: Oh, yeah? Spell asthma.
Penny: A... s...
(pauses)
Penny: Take me home.
Leonard: Maybe I'm not done hanging out with...
(looks over the table and notices that Laura is gone)
Leonard: You're right. It's getting late.
Penny: Oh, hey. If we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Leonard: Oh, yeah, sure. There's also an amazing documentary about building a dam on a river in South America.
Penny: OK, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston, and she's not building a dam.
Leonard: Can't argue with that. I'll get the tickets.
Amy: Hey, Cuddles!
Leonard: Cuddles?
Sheldon: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.
(Talking to Amy)
Sheldon: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.
Bernadette: Amy, we're really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy: Don't. I'll be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Sheldon: New topic: Women. Delightfully mysterious, or batcrap crazy?
(Amy is filming them trying on the dresses)
Amy: C'mon, Bestie, you're up.
Penny: Gimme a minute.
Amy: What is taking you so long.
(Amy opens dressing room door)
Penny: Oh! Amy, get the hell out of here.
Amy: Sorry. Sorry.
Penny: Oh God.
(Amy swings the camera back on Penny again)
Penny: Amy!
Amy: Sorry.
Amy: Proposal: one wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
Sheldon: Counter-proposal: I will gently stroke your head and repeat "Aww, who's a good Amy?"
Amy: How about this? French kissing. Seven minutes in heaven, culminating in second base.
Sheldon: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.
Amy: We cuddle. Final offer.
Sheldon: Very well.
Sheldon: I can't seem to get in touch with Amy! I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her... Nothing!
Leonard: D'you try calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon: The telephone...!
(pauses)
Sheldon: Y'know... Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.
Sheldon: Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one's fault... Penny... the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I'm looking at no one in particular... Penny.
Sheldon: (outraged) The two of you need to get your women in line!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Last night, I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my Lego fun time!
Howard: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon: You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny!
Leonard: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
Sheldon: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!
Amy: What do you want? Do you want me to give the friendship bracelet back?
Penny: I never gave you a friendship bracelet.
Amy: When we first met, I made one and pretended you gave it to me; you can have it back if you want.
Penny: No, you made that for you. I want you to have it.
Sheldon: (hearing Amy singing) She sounds weepy. I don't like weepy.
Leonard: Hey, wait. Amy is your friend. Step up.
(knock knock knock)
Leonard: Amy.
(knock knock knock)
Leonard: Amy.
(knock knock knock)
Leonard: Amy. See you.
Sheldon: (Leonard turns to leave) Wait, where are you going?
Leonard: I'm single; I don't need this crap.
Amy: Wait for moi.
Sheldon: You're leaving?
Amy: Sheldon, sometimes you forget. I'm a lady, and with that comes an estrogen-fueled need to page through thick, glossy magazines that make me hate my body.
Amy: Sheldon! What would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon: I'm begging both of you, please, let's go!
Leonard: (listening to Sheldon ramble) Amy, how long would it take that mad cow disease to kill me?
Amy: Four or five years.
Leonard: (considering it) Nope, not gonna do it.
Leonard: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard: "What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?" Why do you hate us?
Amy: Look at this brain.
Penny: (Turning away) I don't really want to.
Amy: This is us. Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? She's right here. The sad little tumor no-one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette: Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor, huh.
(Penny vomits into a waste basket)
Penny: Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?
Bernadette: Well, if you don't mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
Amy: (entering) Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
Bernadette: Really?
Amy: Twelve years ago, my cousin, Irene, and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
Bernadette: That's horrible!
Amy: Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odorless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out; still in the bags - the gowns, not the bridesmaids.
Bernadette: I don't know; dead people's dresses?
Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? Uh-unn...
Amy: (Dissecting a brain) Yay, brain tumor! Probably not the same reaction you had when you got the news.
Sheldon: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.
Leonard: Really? Amy?
Sheldon: Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman; they are a handful.
Amy: (as she and Sheldon cuddle) I'm just saying, second base is right there.
Sheldon: (Phone rings) Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with "Ahoy?"
(Answers phone)
Sheldon: Ahoy? I like it.
Amy: Wait, Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, and take me across the steet to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard: Yeah Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon: I'm begging both of you, let's go.
Howard: (after scaring Sheldon and making him faint) Who had money on faints?
Raj: I had peed his pants.
Leonard: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner.
Sheldon: The German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche believed that morality is just a fiction used by the herd of inferior human beings to hold back the few superior men.
Leonard: That actually does help.
Sheldon: It's worth noting that he died of syphilis.
Howard: Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...
(Leonard comes up behind him in a mask)
Sheldon: ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
Raj: He's probably right.
Howard: We can't beat him. He's just too smart.
Sheldon: (satisfied) Gentlemen.
(turns around, sees Leonard in his mask, screams and faints down on the floor)
Bernadette: (off screen) Who is it?
Sheldon: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Howard: Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon: Really? That's unsettling.
Leonard: (breaking off from kissing) Dammit. I can't. I can't, I can't do this.
Alice: Uh, is it my tongue stud? 'Cause if that freaks you out you're in for a real surprise later on.
(Sheldon is working on an electric device he plans to trick Howard with)
Sheldon: Hello, Howard. I've realized that you scaring me was all in just. Now, allow me to say... "Good job."
(he shakes hands with himself. He thereby touches the electric device and gets an electric shock, falling down towards the floor)
Sheldon: Oh, the walls are dripping blood, which looks nothing like a phenolphthalein indicator exposed to a sodium carbonate solution.
(reading red paint on the wall)
Sheldon: "See you in hell Sheldon..." The most frightful thing about that is the missing comma!
Stuart: Hot girl, 9 o'clock. Don't everybody look at once.
Raj: What is she doing in a comic book store?
Stuart: I don't know. She might be lost.
(Leonard is getting advice from Penny about whether he should sleep with a local woman while his girlfriend is living in India)
Leonard: Here's the thing: I-I-I'm not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman.
Penny: Good for you!
Leonard: Problem is, I want to be one of those guys.
Penny: So, sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya.
Leonard: Oh, that's not who I am.
Penny: Alright, then break it off with the new girl.
Leonard: Oh, now let's not do anything rash. Sh-she's really hot...
Penny: If you like this girl so much, why don't you just end things with Priya?
Leonard: Priya and I are in love. I think we could get married some day.
Penny: Leonard, you're looking for a way to sleep with both women, and have everybody be happy about it.
Leonard: *Now* we're getting somewhere!
Sheldon: You guys forget, I'm from Texas, where we know how to settle a score. Don't ask me, ask Mexico.
(last line of the episode, after Sheldon scares Leonard, who just found out that Priya cheated on him)
Sheldon: Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!
Leonard: Okay, uh, here it is. Is it cheating if a guy has a girlfriend...
Penny: Yeah, probably.
Sheldon: Some ghostly moans, rattling of chains and a witch's cackle, the trifecta of haunted house cliches. Instead of "eek", I say "yawn".
Leonard: Okay, we used to go out, right?
Penny: (dryly) Oh, my God, that's where I know you from.
Leonard: (after Alice writes down her number in his palm) Sorry, my palm is a little sweaty. What's that word?
Alice: Alice.
Leonard: Oh, right! Your name. That makes more sense than "penis".
Sheldon: You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun!
(holds out his hand)
Howard: Oh, whatever.
(they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints)
Bernadette: Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon: (panics) It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...
Bernadette: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon: Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette: This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon: We are?
Bernadette: You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot!
(gives the needle to Sheldon)
Sheldon: Oh no! I can't!
Bernadette: Hurry! We're running out of time!
Sheldon: Okay...
Bernadette: Just do it!
Sheldon: Oh God! One... two... three...
(sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest)
Howard: (opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting) Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon: (while Howard and Bernadette laughs) What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U...
(touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again)
Sheldon: (after trying to scare Raj) I tried to scare an Indian with a snake. Come on, Cooper, you're better than this.
Penny: What does your gut tell you?
Leonard: Go ask Penny, she'll know what to do.
Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard: Uh, I was gonna, but I had too many tongues in my mouth.
Priya: (after confessing he kissed another woman) Leonard, relax. It's ok.
Leonard: It is?
Priya: Yeah. These things happen. They happen to everybody.
Leonard: Oh my God, you are amazing. I mean, I don't deserve you. Wh-what do you mean everybody?
Priya: Leonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but, I kind of cheated on you, too.
Leonard: Kind of?
Priya: A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. So I guess we both messed up a little.
Leonard: No, no, I messed up a little, you messed up a lot.
Priya: Well, it's not a competition.
Leonard: Oh, yeah it is, and you won.
Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard: I was gonna but there were too many tongues in my mouth.
Alice: Are you getting this "Next Men"?
Leonard: Uh, yeah, it's issue number 21, first appearance of Hellboy.
Alice: I know. I've been looking for it for years.
Leonard: Sorry.
Alice: Hey, if I pretended to hit on you, could it distract you enough to sneak it away?
Leonard: Yes, but you'd be using your superpowers for evil.
Alice: Damn. I'm forbidden by my Kryptonian father to do so.
Sheldon: (revising a physics equation on his white board) And reverse the spin on the antiproton and gamma becomes alpha, multiplied by a matrix of negative i comma zero, and there we have it: conclusive proof that I am absolutely worthless after 9 o'clock.
Howard: (to Leonard) Did you just pick a girl up in a comic book store?
Stuart: Because if you did, you get your picture up there, on The Wall of Heroes.
Leonard: (after scaring Sheldon a second time) You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey.
Sheldon: Are you trying to suggest that my emotional problems are no different than those of a stupid person?
Sheldon: You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!
(Raj whispers to Howard)
Howard: He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.
Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying. You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
Raj: (Raj is sitting on the floor, drunk, with a 6 pack, half drunk) Hey, look who decided to show up.
Leonard: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought 6 new friends. 3, sadly, are dead.
Mary Cooper: Back home, there's a girl works at the Wal-Mart. Tall, taaaaall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake. Thought she'd never find a man, but one day, wouldn't you know, Harlem Globetrotters come to town. Long story short, today that woman travels the world with a semi-professional basketball player and two beautiful mixed race babies.
Penny: That top has paid for itself in free drinks like ten times what it cost.
Sheldon: Yes, Penny has a lot of her money tied up in promiscuity futures.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?
Sheldon: I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.
Leonard: Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.
Sheldon: Get them before they get us.
Mary Cooper: Lord, Mary Cooper here coming to you from "Gomorrah", California. I want to thank you for the blessing that is my little Shelly. I also want to thank you for the continued strength not to coldcock him with my Bible. Alright, Penny, your turn.
Penny: Okay, um, hey God, what's up? Um, I'm good, but it would be a big help to my family if you could get my brother to stop cooking meth. But no cops. Be cool.
Mary Cooper: She also goes a little overboard on the 'Love thy Neighbor'. You could probably use that chat you had with Mary Magdalene. Leonard, you're up. Wasserman, you're on deck.
Leonard: Okay, I don't know, it's probably a little late to ask you to make me taller.
Sheldon: Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.
Mary Cooper: Apology accepted.
Sheldon: Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts.
Mary Cooper: I am still going out with your friends.
Sheldon: But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!
Raj: (Looking at a crucifix in a Catholic church) None of our gods have abs like that.
Howard: Yup... that's the last Jew who did sit-ups. And look where it got him.
Mary Cooper: So, Raj, what pain are you trying to cover up with alcohol?
Raj: (smiling) Nothing, I'm fine!
Mary Cooper: Are you?
Raj: (starts crying) No!
Sheldon: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on a nursery wall with the contents of my diaper.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: (to Sheldon) Please pester her, please, for me.
Sheldon: I've got a treat for us tomorrow, Mom. I'm taking you to see Saul Perlmutter give a lecture about his Nobel Prize-winning work in cosmology. And the best part is, at the Q and A afterward, I've worked up a couple of Qs that will stump his sorry A.
Mary Cooper: I don't know, Shelly. I thought we could do a little sight seein'.
Sheldon: What sight is better than your little boy embarrassing a Nobel laureate?
Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you a list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.
Leonard: So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?
Mary Cooper: It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.
Mary Cooper: You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.
Leonard: What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.
Mary Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.
Sheldon: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
Mary Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!
Sheldon: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.
Sheldon: All right, Mom. When you're at the Ripley's Believe it Or Not Museum, if they have an exhibit about a mother who threw away a chance to spend a day with the world's most wonderful son, believe it, it's true.
Leonard: Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.
Mary Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon: Told you.
Mary Cooper: Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.
Sheldon: Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?
Mary Cooper: No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.
(sings)
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Leonard: (sticks his head in the door) Mrs. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...
Sheldon: (snaps) Get out!
(Offended and hurt, Leonard leaves)
Mary Cooper: (Shocked and angry) Well, that was rude.
Sheldon: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary Cooper: (sings) Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...
Sheldon: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary Cooper: (looking upwards) This is what I'm talking about.
(sings)
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Mary Cooper: (about Sheldon and Amy) You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard: It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there something there, maybe there isn't. We'll probably never know. But, sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.
Mary Cooper: The trick to pancakes is bacon grease. I cook everything in it.
Howard: So, this spring, I get to go to the International Space Station.
Mary Cooper: Oh, my word! A trip to the Heavens. If you ever want to live there eternally, I've got a good book you could read.
Howard: Thanks, but I watch the 'Charlie Brown Christmas Special' every year, so I get the gist.
Penny: Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
Mary Cooper: You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup; he'll die at 50, but his love will be true.
Penny: Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?
Mary Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon: (to himself) That will not be in this week's email blast.
Sheldon: (to a man sitting next to him on a bench) Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist, the kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation. You, a common man, tired from your labors as a stockbroker, or a vacuum cleaner salesman, or a bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we're just two peas in a pod. A regular pea. The kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation.
(It starts to rain)
Sheldon: Rain, another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike.
(Man takes out umbrella and opens it)
Sheldon: Smartypants.
Mary Cooper: You can't force things. Figure out if you're in a relationship or if you're just calling it one. Like they say: "A cat can have kittens in the oven, but that don't make them biscuits."
Sheldon: You are in for a treat; my mother's fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra-large coffin.
Leonard: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn't want to cook.
Sheldon: Wha-uh? Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying "I love you". Making me food when she's too tired to cook is her way of saying "I really love you".
Mary Cooper: You think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you're letting 'em ride the roller coaster without buying the ticket?
Penny: Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to "spin the teacups".
Sheldon: I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.
Mary Cooper: And whose fault was that?
Sheldon: Yours.
Mary Cooper: (On going to Rodeo drive) Well, I can't spend 12 thousand dollars on a handbag, but it's free to look upon those who do with righteous condemnation.
Amy: (after Sheldon coughs) You getting sick?
Sheldon: No. I'm just allergic to people that get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.
Amy: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or to use the clinical term: bitchiness, is because your mother isn't making you a priority?
Sheldon: No. Or to use the clinical term: Nuh-uh.
Mary Cooper: (On visiting the wax museum) I am going to Hollywood and thank a wax Ronald Reagan for his service to our country.
Mary Cooper: (At a church) Oh, this one's sweet. You know, for your rosary rattlers.
Leonard: Mrs. Cooper, we say Catholics, not rosary rattlers.
Mary Cooper: My goodness, it's a wonder you people in California can talk at all.
Sheldon: You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.
Leonard: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?
Mary Cooper: It was good. Only thing would've made it better if it was cooked... And if it was beef.
Mary Cooper: I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.
Sheldon: There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.
Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. I mean it'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still...
Sheldon: I'm not going to get my pecan pie, am I?
Leonard: Want some Oreos?
Sheldon: Double stuff?
Leonard: No, it's regular.
Sheldon: Nice. Kick a man when he's down.
Wil Wheaton: This is for you.
Sheldon: An original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Wil Wheaton: I remembered your story about how you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed and I didn't show up. Look at what I wrote.
Sheldon: (reads) "To Sheldon. Sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton."
Wil Wheaton: It's my last one and I want you to have it.
Sheldon: (holds up action figure) Look, everyone! Wil Wheaton is my friend!
(He gives Wil a hug; Brent Spiner enters and grabs the figure)
Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven't seen one of these in years.
(Rips open the box)
Brent Spiner: Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?
Sheldon: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend Wil Wheaton!
Brent Spiner: I'm sorry, slim. I have some Mr. Data dolls in the truck of my car. Do you want me to sign one for you?
Sheldon: You already signed something Brent Spiner... your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy!
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lot of your time.
Howard: You know, there's a saying we have at NASA: What makes the right stuff so right is that it always comes home.
Bernadette: Just stop talking, Howard!
Howard: This isn't the reaction I expected when I told you I was gonna be an astronaut.
Bernadette: What did you think was gonna happen?
Howard: Honestly? Sex, heh... Do you realize what a big deal this is? What an honor it is to be chosen to go into space?
Bernadette: Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision. We're supposed to be partners. We're supposed to be a team.
Howard: I'm sorry. You're right. Uh, okay, let's try this again. Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us and I'd like to discuss it... Heh, I've been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks. What are your thoughts on that?
Bernadette: Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision making process.
Howard: Hey, we're a team. Heh. So, what do you think?
Bernadette: No!
Leonard: You actually asked Bernadette to leave your house in the middle if the night?
Howard: What choice did I have? She went behind my back and turned my own mother against me.
Raj: Wow, you're not only our first astronaut, you're also the first one of us to kick a girl out of bed.
Bernadette: NASA doesn't have a shuttle anymore. How are you gonna get up there?
Howard: Oh, it's really cool. You fly to Moscow, they take you to Kazakhstan. Then you get in a Russian Soyuz rocket which shoots you into a low earth orbit. Or it just sits on the launch pad because the Kazakhi mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market, heh.
Bernadette: Are those Russian rockets safe?
Howard: Safe as it can be when it was built by the folks who brought you Chernobyl.
Bernadette: I took our love and threw it under his bus-sized mother.
Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. Nice sword.
Sheldon: It's from my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?
Wil Wheaton: No.
Sheldon: I'm not surprised.
Sheldon: At this moment our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton's party you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I am characterizing this phenomenon as 'Schroedinger's friendship'.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Over my dead body my son goes into outer space!
Wil Wheaton: Hey, I'm having a party at my house on Friday and I was hoping you'd stop by?
Stuart: Will there be girls there?
Wil Wheaton: Yeah. Of course.
Stuart: Because there wasn't last time.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Make up all you want. Your tuchas is not leaving this planet!
Amy: I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Well. Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy: Mortal enemy?
Penny: Mhm.
Amy: Sheldon, I knew you were a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon: You just got off the list, would you like back on it?
Bernadette: Howard?
Howard: Change you mind about sex? I'm still mad, but I'll do it.
Bernadette: Do you guys think it was a mistake? Am I the bad guy in this?
Amy: It's not for us to judge. We're here to provide comfort and support while you come to grips with what a despicable thing you've done.
Bernadette: Oh, God, you're right. I took our love and threw it under his bus-sized mother.
Leonard: Will you stop with the Schr?dinger stuff?
Sheldon: Would you prefer a simpler application of Heisenberg's uncertainty principle? In which I could either know where you are, or whether I like you, but not both?
Leonard: You never stop talking, do you?
Amy: I don't understand, what difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy: Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon: (to Penny) You just got off the list. Would you like back on it?
Penny: Are you a hundred percent positive that you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette: I do. With all my heart.
Penny: Got it. Just had to check.
Leonard: Okay, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance!
Sheldon: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day, a historian is going to come to you and say: "Is it true you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper?" And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble, "I was, but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from 'Stand By Me' that no one remembers."
Sheldon: If we were starting a sword collection, I would start with Excalibur. You could rule England with it.
Leonard: It would be a plastic replica of a movie prop.
Sheldon: You could rule a replica of England with it.
Sheldon: Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control of the Verbatim corporation in 1989, congratulations - you just made the list.
Leonard: 210, and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
Stuart: Are you crazy? That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr.
Leonard: So?
Stuart: Okay, if you're gonna question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!
Howard: (after everyone cheers for him and his team design going to space) It gets better! Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is!
Sheldon: Mohammed Lee.
(everyone's looking confused)
Howard: Who's Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, and Lee the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
Mrs. Wolowitz: (shouting from off-screen) Howard! Bernadette's here!
Howard: (shouting back) Tell her I'm not home!
Mrs. Wolowitz: What kind of a schmuck play is that? She can hear you shouting!
Bernadette: I had no choice! I had to tell his mother! He can't go to space! He's like a baby bird! Did you know he once got an asthma attack from reading an old library book?
Amy: You're kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.
Stuart: (negotiating with Leonard and Sheldon for a sword) 225. That's my final offer.
Sheldon: (to Leonard) Take it, take it, take it!
Leonard: 200.
Stuart: Man, you're killing me!
Sheldon: Killing you? I can't breathe!
Penny: (whispering) Oh, here she comes!
Howard: Smart. Whisper, so the deaf chick can't hear you.
Penny: He is cuter now that I know he's rich.
Sheldon: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard: I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"
Sheldon: (Sheldon rolls dice) Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.
Raj: Tell her, her eyes shimmer like opalescent lilies in the lake of the palace of the celestial maidens.
Howard: Really? That's the first thing you want to say?
Raj: I worked on it all night. Use it.
Howard: Look, I don't know the sign for opalescent.
Raj: Then spell it.
Howard: I don't know how to spell it.
Raj: You're blowing this for me!
Howard: (signs) He likes your eyes.
Raj: You're making me sound like a caveman.
Howard: She says, "Thank you, you have nice eyes too."
Raj: Ask her how many children she wants and whatever she says, say, "Me too".
Howard: No.
Penny: (sees Howard ogling at a woman in a gym) Really, Howard? You're engaged to my friend.
Howard: Hey, Bernadette doesn't need to know how I rev up my engine so long as I park the car in the right garage.
Penny: I can't believe you're engaged to my friend.
Penny: (to Emily) Can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard: She says: "Sure, what about him?"
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women...
(Howard stops signing here, as he gets distracted by two beautiful women at the reception desk behind them)
Penny: ... and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy lots of expensive things and I...
(realizing that Howard isn't signing anymore)
Penny: Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard: Right!
(signing)
Howard: Are you a gold digger or not?
(Penny looks at him, disgusted by him. Emily gets infuriated, and starts to sign with rage)
Howard: Oh, uh... something, something... Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself!
(Emily leaves, and Penny looks at him in shock)
Howard: Oh, I get this now...
Raj: Dude, what's she saying?
Howard: It's a funny story about a puppy. Just smile and laugh.
(Howard is not paying attention while he texts Bernadette)
Howard: Quick, quick, stop smiling.
Raj: What? Why?
Howard: The puppy died. It choked on a doll head. Sad face! Sad face!.
Sheldon: Can't figure out what to do? I remember those days! If you'll excuse me, I have to...
(stands up, rolling dice)
Sheldon: Stay right here.
(sits down)
Raj: (to Emily) Hi.
Howard: (as Emily signs) She says it's nice to meet you.
Raj: Does she really mean that or did she sign that sarcastically?
Howard: Really? On Dungeons and Dragons I enter a dungeon and find a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Sheldon: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and ladders?
Penny: This girl is trouble! What kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts, and she gives you sex?
Raj: The best one I ever had!
Raj: Mm, oh, cheesecake, you're just as good as a woman, even though I can't have sex with you.
Howard: Try throwing it in the microwave for a few seconds.
Raj: Tell her I have a deep, sexy voice, like James Earl Jones.
Howard: She... she doesn't know how James Earl Jones sounds like!
Raj: Great. Then she won't know I'm lying.
Leonard: Oh, I know they have money. But I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. From time to time I noterized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.
Penny: So how much is that?
Sheldon: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.
Howard: What the hell, the last time we went to the zoo, that son of a bitch made me buy him a churro.
Leonard: Listen guys, I'm sorry. I don't want to be rude, but I need to go call Raj's sister, who I love so much. So vastly much.
Penny: Okay, so he's got money and it's a few gifts and a car.
Howard: And she got him to pay off all her credit cards.
Penny: What? He paid off her credit cards? Damn it, I could have dated Raj for a couple months.
Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.
Sheldon: I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
(continues to eat, without further explanation. The others looks curiously at him)
Leonard: Could you tell us...?
Sheldon: Let's see...
(rolls dice)
Sheldon: Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: Hang on... Doubles. Roll again.
Sheldon: (rolls again) Okay, get this. It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappali's are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean, "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up.
Penny: I can't believe Raj has a girlfriend.
(Sheldon rolls his dices)
Sheldon: Me neither.
Howard: She asks if you play any instrument.
Raj: No, but when I was six years old, I tried to start a boyband called Frankie Goes to Bollywood.
(Penny and Howard have just confronted Raj's girlfriend Emily to check if she's a golddigger)
Raj: (Yelling) How dare you ambush my girlfriend at the gym?
Penny: We didn't mean for it to be an ambush! It just, it's kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people!
Raj: I don't know if I want to play anymore.
Sheldon: Because you don't have a girlfriend? Good lord, if that becomes a reason to not play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.
Amy: Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard: I'm sorry. The wedding just reminds me of my kind of-sort of-girlfriend 9000 miles away.
Amy: I have a kind-of sort-of boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.
Amy: Would you like to dance?
Leonard: No, thank you, I'm not really much of a dancer.
Amy: You're not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.
Mrs. Wolowitz: I don't know who you're talking to, but in or out! We don't need bugs!
Howard: The bugs only come here, because YOU'RE THEIR QUEEN!
Penny: (about Leonard) So handsome! Like James Bond.
Sheldon: Better than James Bond, because he's tinier.
Howard: Ma, do you mind if Bernadette stays here this weekend?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Hey, if she's willing to give the milk away for free, who am I to say no?
Leonard: (sarcastically) You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon: I did! How was yours?
Leonard: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon: What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
(Sheldon hits Leonard in the shoulder with his model train)
Leonard: OW! Why did you do that?
Sheldon: To send you a message. She is not for you!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: NOT FOR YOU!
Bernadette: Good morning, handsome.
Howard: Good morning, mom.
Bernadette: It's me!
Howard: Yes, it is. And you're so pretty in the morning!
Bernadette: Your mom and I made you breakfast.
Howard: Oh, wow. So, you guys are getting along?
Bernadette: Yeah... I guess. We're very different people, Howard. So communication's a little tricky.
Mrs. Wolowitz: DOES HE LIKE THE PANCAKES?
Bernadette: HE DIDN'T TRY THEM, YET!
Howard: Is there any butter?
Bernadette: It's butter flavored syrup.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SO, WHAT'S THE WORD?
Bernadette: HE WANTS BUTTER!
Mrs. Wolowitz: IT'S BUTTER FLAVORED SYRUP!
Bernadette: I JUST TOLD HIM THAT!
Leonard: Who wants the last dumpling?
Penny: Ooh, me.
Sheldon: Penny, a moment. We just had Thai food. In that culture, the last morsel is called the krengjai piece. And it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
(Sheldon reaches for the last piece, but Penny takes ahead)
Penny: Thank you all for this high honor.
Sheldon: I've seen pictures of your mother. Keep eating.
Amy: (as Leonard tries to attach a corsage to her blouse) When you've finished copping a feel, that goes on my wrist.
Sheldon: Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard: I'm not going to check you for lice again.
Howard: Just his head, right?
Leonard: I don't want to talk about it.
Leonard: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon: Name one time I've ever done that.
Leonard: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd started growing again.
Sheldon: I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.
Amy: Two, three four.
(singing "The girl From Ipanema" while playing her harp)
Amy: Tall and tan and young and lovely. The girl from Ipanema goes walkin'. And when she passes, each one she passes goes...
Sheldon: (Interrupts on cue)
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Amy?
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Amy?
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Amy?
Amy: (Plucks last note) Oh.
Amy: Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon: You mean like Salt Lake City?
Raj: Nice of you to let us use the university's new hydraulic thermoforming press.
Howard: Yeah. this baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard: That's three minutes. Let's see what we got.
(Open press)
Raj: Oh, yeah! That is one great panini.
Leonard: You videochat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon: Don't you like Amy?
Leonard: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon: Well, there's the difference.
Leonard: Some people might say it's good that Priya and I are trying to make things work long distance. They would say things like "Your love is stronger than the miles between you".
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
Leonard: Some people might say that it's great that we'rre trying to make things work long distance. They'd say things like "Love is stronger than the miles between you."
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.
Sheldon: (to Leonard as he videochats with Priya) I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.
Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Amy?
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Amy?
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Amy?
Amy: You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
Sheldon: Is not! Is not, is not.
Sheldon: (to Leonard as he tries cybersex with Priya) Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.
Penny: What's the gist, physicist?
Penny: You know, I've done this before. In kindergarten, I was supposed to marry Jason Sorensen but by the time my class got out there, he was engaged to Chelsea Himmelfarb. What did I do? Hung upside down from the monkey bars. Let all the boys see my underpants.
Amy: You can't blame yourself. When your pre-frontal cortex fails to make you happy, promiscuity rewards you with dopamine. We neurobiologists refer to this as the "skank reflex".
Amy: (Talking to Penny) Oh I can so see you being the face of hemorrhoids.
Amy: Know the story of Catherine the Great? She ruled Russia in the late 1700s and one night, when she was feeling randy, she used an intricate system of pulleys to have intimate relations with a horse.
Penny: I'm sorry, what does this have to do with me?
Amy: She engaged in inter-species hanky-panky. And people still call her "great".
Leonard: Got any advice?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard: Excuse me! You're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development and all you've got is "buck up"?
Beverly Hofstadter: Sorry. Buck up, Sissy Pants.
Leonard: (sarcastically) Thanks, Mother. I feel better.
Beverly Hofstadter: If you need any more help, my books are available on Amazon.
Sheldon: Geology isn't a real science!
Penny: Look, Honey. I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night. We should have never slept together. It's what ruins friendships.
Raj: You can't ruin a friendship with sex! That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles!
Amy: A guest in my trundle bed and a boy at my door? I wish I could tell 13-year-old me it does get better!
(Penny is upset about being promiscuous when she gets drunk)
Penny: I feel like two totally different people: Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.
Penny: You know what? Let's get out of here.
Amy: Where are we going?
Penny: Somewhere where no one's seen me naked. We may have to drive a while.
Raj: Can I say I ruined you for white men?
Sandy: (in a TV commercial) Ready to ride?
Penny: I don't think so, Mom. Not today.
Sandy: Oh, sweetie, hemorrhoids acting up again?
Penny: You don't know the half of it.
Sandy: Oh, yes, I do. Try a dab of this.
Penny: (reading the tube) 'Rose scented preparation H for women'?
Sandy: Now the 'H' is for 'her'!
Leonard: (watching the commercial) I'm proud of you.
Penny: Shh! Here comes my joke.
Sandy: (in the commercial, both are now riding) How are you doing?
Penny: Sittin' pretty.
Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy: Well, I heard *who* you did.
Sheldon: I've decided my rank will be Captain. If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it's good enough for me.
(Penny can't find a clean cup to pour some wine into. She then decides to use a measuring cup)
Penny: Yup, that's good. Wine glasses should have handles.
Leonard: What are you grinding about?
Sheldon: Penny's brain teaser this morning. She and Koothrappali emerge from your bedroom. She is disheveled and Raj is dressed only in a sheet. The sole clue: "It's not what it looks like".
Leonard: Just let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: If I could, I would. But I can't, so I shan't.
Sheldon: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.
Raj: As your friend, you might like to know that, um... we didn't have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
Raj: No, no. After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you... you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn't you?
Raj: Of course. I'm always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and... that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn't actually...
Raj: I did. It was beautiful.
Bernadette: What the hell is wrong with you?
Raj: Well, uh, you were always so nice to me, I thought maybe you liked me.
Bernadette: (yells) I'm nice to everyone!
Priya: I feel ridiculous in this dress.
Leonard: You look beautiful, Lieutenant Uhura. Now prepare for... inspection.
Leonard: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard: Why?
Leonard: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
Leonard: What are you doing here?
Raj: I was sleeping.
Leonard: In my bed?
Raj: Well, I would sleep in my own bed, except it's being used to bring shame to my family. And the memory of Gene Roddenberry.
Bernadette: I was headhunted by a big pharmaceutical company. They're gonna pay me a butt-load of money!
Howard: What?
Leonard: Bernadette, that's great. Howard, do you make a butt-load?
Howard: Better than what you got a butt-load of.
Leonard: Does Sheldon know you're sleeping in here?
Raj: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill, and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.
Leonard: Oh yeah, Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know she used to date Howard?
Howard: What's up?
Raj: Leonard's putting disgusting memories in my memory-foam mattress. Can I stay here tonight?
(Bernadette is getting her Ph.D)
Penny: Wow! So that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor... and Howard, you know a lot of doctors!
Howard: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard: Kill me.
Sheldon: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
Penny: Can I tell you a secret?
Raj: Yeah.
Penny: I screwed up. Leonard's a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.
Raj: Well er, to paraphrase Shakespeare - It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.
Priya: You remember Rajesh's friend, Leonard?
Dr. Koothrappali: I thought you said Rajesh was out with his friends.
Priya: He has many friends.
Dr. Koothrappali: Rajesh has many friends?
Mrs. Koothrappali: Why are you lying to us?
Sheldon: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? A hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys!
Sheldon: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
(Penny and Raj laugh)
Sheldon: All right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence.
Penny: (after Penny drunkenly sleeps with Raj, she tries to sneak out, but is finds Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard in the living room) Damn.
Leonard: What is going on?
Penny: (laughing nervously) Oh, it's, it's not what it looks like.
(embarrassed, Penny quickly leaves)
Sheldon: What does it look like?
Raj: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends - and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story - I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen.
Penny: (to Raj after Leonard leaves) Explain something to me. You watched Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think: "Oh, Krishna, I've got to get me some of that?".
Penny: Hey Sheldon, did you change your Wi-Fi password again?
Sheldon: Yes, it's "pennygetyourownwifi", no spaces.
Raj: Leonard's having astronomically inaccurate Star Trek sex with my sister.
Sheldon: I can see how that would be upsetting. Come in.
Sheldon: The apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminescent paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
Raj: You're kidding.
(Sheldon turns off the lights, revealing glowing arrows on the floor)
Sheldon: I never kid about safety.
Penny: What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon: Same thing that happened to Homo erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj: I'm the new Homo in town!
(pause)
Raj: That came out wrong.
Sheldon: Oh, my hands are magic!
Amy: Don't flatter yourself. Your hands are blunt tools guided by my knowledge of the nrevous system. I could just as easily have paralyzed you.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard: I live here.
Sheldon: I have paperwork that says differently.
Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: (the gang mutters consent) Sure.
Penny: 'Kay. Priya?
Priya: I'll have the Shepherd's pie.
(to Leonard)
Priya: You want to split that with me?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.
Priya: Why not?
Penny: Well, you know, milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust... your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's day balloon.
Sheldon: Not quite accurate. Macy's balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her Ph.D.
Amy: It's indeed admirable. Although it is microbiology.
Sheldon: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony." Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Light.
(Sheldon takes a drink of water)
Raj: Sheldon, that's my water.
Sheldon: Oh dear Lord!
(he runs into the bathroom)
Leonard: That's not your water.
Raj: I know.
(Leonard smiles)
Sheldon: (off-screen) Where's the mouth wash?
Raj: (pulling it out from underneath the cushion next to him) Where indeed?
Priya: You know, my brother had a group of friends like this in India. They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves 'The New Delhi Power Rangers'.
Penny: You mean when he was little.
Priya: Not as little as you'd want him to be.
Howard: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.
Sheldon: Do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
Penny: Oh, my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.
Bernadette: You're a putz! You know what that means?
Howard: Yeah, do you?
Bernadette: Your mother just taught it to me. She thinks she got food poisoning from that deli and she just wanted to make sure I was okay.
Howard: And are you?
Bernadette: No, because I'm engaged to a putz!
Sheldon: (at the hospital) Howard, I have to go to the bathroom and no one will take me home.
Howard: What's wrong with the bathroom here?
Sheldon: Pneumococcus, streptococcus, staphylococcus and other assorted coccuses.
Howard: Sheldon, my mother is on her deathbed and my fianc?e is grief-stricken over putting her there. I'm not taking you home.
Sheldon: Will you at least go with me to the restroom here, so you can open the door and flush the urinal?
Howard: No!
Sheldon: This might be a good time to point out, Howard, that friendship requires a certain give and take.
Leonard: It's nice that they're getting along.
Raj: Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend hang out together? Oh yeah. That can only be good for you.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Raj: One of them broke up with you; do you really want her telling the other one why?
Leonard: I don't care. I don't have anything to hide.
Raj: Good, good. Then you've nothing to worry about.
Leonard: No. I do not.
(pauses)
Leonard: You are a mean little man!
Raj: You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.
(Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass)
Sheldon: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette: I don't understand.
Howard: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
Howard: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.
Bernadette: How can we be together if the thought of us getting married might kill your mother?
Howard: It's the circle of life, sweetie. One day our son will marry someone and it will kill you.
Penny: Hey, do me a favor and take table 7?
Bernadette: You mean the one with my 118-pound rock-hard stud of a fianc? who's prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
Penny: No, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful, sophisticated girlfriend who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
Bernadette: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?
Penny: Oh please, you're not that kind of person.
Bernadette: I know. But if she orders something low-fat, I'll totally give her the full-fat version.
Leonard: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of my ancestors doing this.
(clutches his chest)
Leonard: Sheldon, let's go!
Sheldon: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there. We're going!
Sheldon: I can't.
Penny: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
Sheldon: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives; just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
Leonard: Ah-uh, fine, I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
Sheldon: I would think he would know that.
Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Sheldon: Fine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something, and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.
Howard: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette: What?
Howard: It's not important.
Bernadette: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
(Priya and Raj enter)
Priya: What happened?
Bernadette: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!
Howard: Can I see her?
Dr. Bernstein: Well, actually, she said, and I quote, she'd like to see the "little Catholic girl" first.
Bernadette: Me? Why me?
Howard: Jews have been asking that for centuries; there's no real good answer.
Bernadette: Okay, well, wish me luck.
Howard: Don't worry, you'll be fine. Let's just hide Mr. Cross. If it touches her, it burns.
Dr. Bernstein: You brought a Catholic girl home to your mother?
Howard: Yeah.
Dr. Bernstein: Why don't I write you a prescription for Xanax?
Sheldon: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
Leonard: You all right?
Sheldon: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.
(the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a)
Sheldon: (plays card) Fire demon.
Raj: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard: (plays card) Troll master.
Raj: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard: (plays card) Water nymph.
Raj: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj: Sorry.
(plays card)
Raj: Walking tree.
(looks at Sheldon imploringly)
Sheldon: Last one
Raj: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!
Leonard: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly...
Raj: Like what?
Leonard: Every once in a while, before we'd go to bed, I'd put on a little show for her.
Raj: What do you mean "a show"?
Leonard: You know, like the way I took my clothes off.
Raj: Like to music?
Leonard: It'd look pretty stupid if there was no music!
Raj: So you'd do a striptease?
Leonard: Well, I wasn't swinging around a pole
Raj: Good, good...
Leonard: There was one time I put body glitter on.
Raj: Well, I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
Leonard: No, she wouldn't.
Raj: Your big problem is me telling her.
Leonard: You really are a mean little man.
Sheldon: (Sheldon has walked into a quarantined room) Oh, what fresh hell is this?
(tries to leave)
Nurse in Biohazard Suit: Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed!
Sheldon: (puts his shirt over his nose) No, I haven't. It's all good.
Debbie Wolowitz: I had a pastrami sandwich. She had eggplant lasagna, like that's what a person orders in a Jewish deli.
Penny: You want to talk about crazy mothers, Leonard's mom wouldn't give him any sort of approval growing up... It makes him desperate to please women. That's why the foreplay goes on and on.
Priya: It does, doesn't it?
Penny: It's like he's trying to win a prize. A word of advice... don't doze off. You will never hear the end of it.
Leonard: What took you guys so long?
Priya: Oh, we were just chatting.
Leonard: That's nice. What about?
Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
(Penny and Leonard laugh)
Leonard: (uncomfortable) That's funny.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj: (after Penny and Priya walk to their seats) What if she wasn't kidding?
Leonard: Doesn't matter. I'm the king of foreplay.
(the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon)
Sheldon: (plays card) Mountain Elf.
Raj: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard: (plays card) Hellhounds.
Raj: Hellhounds!
(to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out")
Raj: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard: (plays card) Colossal Serpent.
Raj: (grabs his crotch) I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon: (exasperated) Must you?
Raj: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
(plays card)
Raj: Rotting Zombie.
(brief pause)
Raj: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.
Leonard: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard: (about Leonard) Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.
Priya: It's nice of you to show up for Howard
Penny: Howard is my friend
(she giggles)
Priya: Did I miss something?
Penny: Howard Wolowitz is my friend, you know one time he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose?
Priya: That's easier to believe than he's your friend
Bernadette: (about Mrs. Wolowitz) She said I'm a wonderful girl and that you're lucky to have me.
Howard: Where are you going?
Bernadette: (sounding like Mrs. Wolowitz) To the toilet! Is that okay with you!
(she exits)
Howard: (to Raj and Leonard) Is it just me or does she sound sexy when she's angry?
Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.
(about a pair of shoes)
Penny: Ooh, these are cute. Of course, if I buy them, I'll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.
Raj: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You're a good friend.
Sheldon: I'm glad you think so. That's what I strive to emulate.
Amy: How do you feel about concealing a recording device in the cleavage of your ample bosom?
Bernadette: I don't want anything in my ample bosom.
Amy: Come on, Strawberries. Take one for the team.
Bernadette: You texted me Penny's dating an astronaut.
Amy: I texted architect. That's amusing. Auto-correct must've changed it.
Bernadette: Yeah, it's hysterical.
Sheldon: (about his new 3-person chess game) Do you know how I solved the balanced center combat-area problem? Five words: transitional quadrilateral to triangular tessellation.
Leonard: That, that's brilliant.
Sheldon: It's what I do.
Amy: How does the cheetah attack a herd of wildebeests? By going after its weakest member.
Bernadette: Well, what makes me the weakest member?
Amy: Your trusting nature, coupled with your teeny-tiny body. You wouldn't last a minute on the Serengeti.
Sheldon: (playing 3-person chess) My Catapult flings my Bishop to Howard's Queen's Gorilla two.
Howard: Nice. Okay, Rook to Transporter Pad. And he comes out at Leonard's Queen's Bishop five-and-a-third. Check on Leonard.
Leonard: Hang on. When is my Pawn allowed to use the Golf Cart?
Sheldon: When it's done charging. Or you land on the Time Machine - obviously.
Leonard: Oh, oh, Beekeeper to King twelve. I capture your Pope and release the Swarm. Checkmate on Sheldon.
Sheldon: I knew I should have given my Pope the jet pack.
Raj: (standing naked in the kitchen) Hey, I've got winners.
Amy: Have a good night. Try not to ogle my caboose as I walk away.
Bernadette: I'm not a very good liar. They kind of whup that out of you in Catholic school.
Amy: Don't worry. I'll teach you. I did two years of Cub Scouts before they found out I was a girl.
Bernadette: I can't do this anymore! I'm a good girl! I went to Catholic school!
Raj: (Considering taking anti-anxiety medicine) As a scientist, thinking is my bread and butter. I'm afraid if I take these I might lose that unique, special something that has made me so successful in my field.
Sheldon: Rajesh, I've had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My advice to you is that you gobble these up like Tic-Tacs.
Penny: Didn't you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
Amy: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn't have any.
Penny: No?
Amy: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop.
Amy: Until I met you and Bernadette, my trips to the bathroom had been entirely focused on elimination. Now, they have a delightful social aspect.
Bernadette: Amy, you must have been in the bathroom with other women before.
Amy: Of course I have. But, they were strangers and seemed off-put when I engaged in friendly stall-to-stall chit chat.
Bernadette: Some women don't like to get chummy when their panties are down.
Sheldon: I don't know what color lonely is.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous, and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a color to lonely.
Raj: Nothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely.
Sheldon: All right. Come in. You positively orange with loneliness.
(Raj enters the apartment)
Sheldon: No, I don't see that catching on at all.
Bernadette: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, that's nice.
Amy: No it's not. It's a strategic maneuver. Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.
Sheldon: I must say, Leonard, ever since you've been having regular intercourse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
Leonard: Excuse me, but Einstein had a very busy sex life.
Sheldon: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn't been such a hound dog, we'd all have time machines.
Sheldon: It's hard to say no to Yoo-Hoo. The name literally beckons.
Amy: Fair warning: we can get crazy.
Bernadette: Yeah. Last week, we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.
Sheldon: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?
Amy: (to Penny) Why did you bring him? He's harshing my buzz.
Amy: (yells at her screeching monkey) They were out of menthol; get off my back!
(to Sheldon)
Amy: It's not easy living with a temperamental little primate.
Leonard: (off-screen) C'mon, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!
Sheldon: You're preaching to the choir, sister.
Sheldon: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I am an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.
Sheldon: Leonard, are you in the shower?
Leonard: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!
Sheldon: I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now!
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Moot! Rendered unimportant by recent events!
Leonard: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!
Sheldon: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations, pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.
Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I'm meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. You're welcome to tag along.
Sheldon: A girl's night? Oh, I don't know if I'm up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns, and menstrual cramps.
Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We'll probably be trashing Priya a little.
Sheldon: Shotgun!
Leonard: No offense, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that's happened today.
Leonard: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries and your face.
Sheldon: I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency.
Leonard: What kind of emergency?
Sheldon: Mathematical. 32 ounce banana smoothie, 16 ounce bladder.
Sheldon: Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.
Sheldon: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.
Leonard: Not as much as you.
Sheldon: fine. I'm nothing if not adaptable.
Leonard: I got you the lamb kabob.
Sheldon: Thank you.
(Sheldon takes a bite and begins to chew vigorously)
Sheldon: If you think about it, Greek food isn't that far from Italian food. They share a spice palette.
(Chews)
Sheldon: And what a civilization is the Greeks'.
(Chews some more)
Sheldon: They gave us science, democracy... and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
(Spits out kabob)
Sheldon: Count, the 2nd: The accused exceeded the agreed upon occupancy of the shower, to wit, one, unless we are under attack by water-soluble aliens.
Bernadette: I totally want to see Sheldon dance. I bet he looks like a spider on a hot plate.
Amy: I kissed a girl and I liked it.
Sheldon: Unless Leonard signs the new agreement in the next 41 seconds, this computer will send an email to your parents in India, saying that you're in a secret relationship with the whiter-than-marshmallow-fluff Leonard Hofstadter.
Amy: You smell like baby powder.
Sheldon: It's talc. But as that's the primary ingredient in baby powder, I understand your confusion.
Amy: Oh, I'm not confused at all. You're like a sexy toddler.
Sheldon: I don't know how to process that.
Amy: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?
Sheldon: If you're referring to the beverage, you know I don't drink. If you're referring to the hat you don while wearing a night shirt and holding a candle, I have one.
Sheldon: When challenged, monkeys generally assert their dominance through chasing, assault and a stylized penile display. That's a little outside my comfort zone.
Priya: Section 7 here, on the right to enter the bathroom in emergency situations is not specific as to what constitutes and emergency.
Sheldon: That's ridiculous. A bathroom emergency is self-explanatory.
Priya: Is it? If Leonard forgot to trim his nose hair, could he barge in while you were showering?
Sheldon: Irrelevant. Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair. He thinks because he's short, nobody can see up there.
Sheldon: Good morning, Amy.
Amy: It most assuredly is not.
Sheldon: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea, and shame?
Amy: Yes. I also found a Korean man's business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?
Sheldon: Oh, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.
Amy: Sheldon.
Sheldon: All right. Last night, you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home. You kissed me, and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.
Amy: Okay... I don't really know where we go from here.
Sheldon: I suggest we treat our relationship as if it were a crashed computer and restore it to the last point we both agree it worked.
Sheldon: In the South, preadolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.
Amy: How come, if we're the smart people, we don't do this every night?
Sheldon: What's 16 times 14?
Amy: My burps taste like cranberry juice.
Sheldon: And there's your answer.
Leonard: (as Sheldon counts down the "self destruct sequence") It's blackmail!
Priya: We give up.
Leonard: This is ridiculous.
(unplugs the laptop)
Sheldon: It's a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?
Priya: By the way, a fellow at work said I could use his Dodger tickets this weekend. Does that sound like fun?
Leonard: Well, yeah! Dodgers are baseball, right?
Priya: You need to explain the game to me.
Leonard: Mmm, it's complicated, but as I remember it the essentials are get chosen last, get hit by the ball, cry, go home.
Amy: (proposing her gossip experiment) Are you familiar with meme theory?
Sheldon: I'm familiar with everything, but go on.
Penny: Sheldon and Amy had sex.
Raj: Shut your ass!
Penny: Mm-hmm. Amy told me.
Raj: How did that even happen? Did they know that's what they were doing when they were doing it?
Amy: I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard, sometimes, it's nice to goof off and do something silly.
(Howard has announced his intention to propose to Bernadette, but Leonard and Sheldon heard that she was planning on breaking up with him)
Leonard: Poor guy. He's gonna be blindsided.
Raj: (grinning like an idiot) I know. It'll be awful!
Sheldon: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: (knowing Raj has a crush on Bernadette) Yeah, Raj, why?
Raj: Hello, Mummy. Hello, Daddy. How are you?
Mrs. Koothrappali: We're very rich in a very poor country, so all in all, can't complain.
Amy: Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.
Sheldon: Pun intended?
Amy: No. Happy accident.
Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.
Amy: I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.
Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow-by-blow, as it were.
Amy: Pun intended?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, what pun?
Amy: Do you have any ethical qualms regarding human experimentation?
Sheldon: It's one of the few forms of interaction with people that I don't find repellent.
Amy: (to Penny) Just stopped by to let you know I'm getting orthotics. Also I'm carrying Sheldon's baby. Mum's the word.
(Amy, walking down the stairs, meets Leonard, who is coming up looking at his cell phone)
Leonard: You're *pregnant*?
Amy: Wow. Is there anything on there about orthotics?
Sheldon: I'm no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase "Shelly Cooper's a smelly pooper" spread like wildfire.
Amy: I should think so. That's gold.
(Amy is telling Sheldon about her addiction research)
Amy: I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.
Sheldon: Have you learned anything?
Amy: Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it's not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.
Howard: Hey, everybody, I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can't think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends.
Leonard: Oh, hold on, Howard. There's lots of better times.
Raj: Leonard, please. The man is talking. Let him get it out, and let the chips fall where they may.
Howard: Thank you. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...
Bernadette: Oh, God. What's happening?
Howard: I know things haven't been perfect with us, and we've had our problems, but I just have to tell you, from the moment I...
Bernadette: Howard, let me just stop you right here.
Raj: This is it.
Bernadette: Yes.
Howard: Yes, what?
Bernadette: Yes, I will marry you.
Howard: You will?
Raj: You will?
Bernadette: I will. I will!
Howard: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette: Oh, I love you, too.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Priya: Oh, it's so exciting.
(about Bernadette)
Howard: Her freakishly small hands make anything look big. It's one of the reasons I love her.
Sheldon: Dr. Greene, question?
Brian Greene: Yes?
Sheldon: You've dedicated your life's work to educating the general populace about complex scientific ideas.
Brian Greene: Yes, in part.
Sheldon: Have you ever considered trying to do something useful?
Amy: Sheldon and I engaged in sexual intercourse. In other news, I'm thinking of starting an herb garden. Mum's the word! Gotta go!
Brian Greene: My new book, 'The Hidden Reality', takes on a grand question: Is *our* universe the only universe? You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In 'The Hidden Reality' I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.
Sheldon: (to Amy) Hysterical.
Amy: (to Sheldon) I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly.
Sheldon: Agreed. Yo, wait 'til you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you're in a comedy club.
Brian Greene: You can think about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A you can't order the corresponding dish in column B; that's sort of like the Uncertainty Principle.
Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.
(Leonard walks into the apartment with takeout)
Leonard: Hope you're hungry.
Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country... cruel taunt in the Sudan. It's a lesson in context.
Priya: (about Raj) I found poems he wrote about her. Very disturbing. "Oh Bernadette, please play my clarinet."
Leonard: Oh. That's hard to believe.
Priya: Yes. And for years everyone in my family was convinced he was the... clarinet enthusiast.
Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.
Amy: I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.
Sheldon: I wish you hadn't done that! That's going to make me a chick magnet, and I'm so busy as it is.
(Sheldon and Leonard are playing Wii archery)
Sheldon: What an elf I would have made.
Sheldon: I've been thinking about Dr. Greene's efforts to make science palatable for the masses.
Leonard: Yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That's all. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase "train of thought." Now I'm thinking about trains.
Raj: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard!
Sheldon: Now I'm thinking about Jell-o.
Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?
Penny: All right. Well, great seeing you.
Priya: Yeah, you too.
(Priya goes into Leonard's apartment)
Penny: Amy's right; I do want to fling my poop at her.
Penny: You know, for the first couple of months, whenever I would take off my bra, he would giggle and say, "Oh, boy, my breast friends!"
Raj: (while on a road-trip) I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.
Sheldon: This says Beyonc? Bootylicious Dance Mix.
Raj: It's a rewritable CD, just put it in.
Howard: Beyonc?, really?
Raj: She's curvy and she's owns it. I like that.
Penny: (after Sheldon's game account got hacked) Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.
Sheldon: That game! Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing... Alright, technically it's a game.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Aw jeez, I don't know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row.
Raj: Oh come on man, bros before... my sister.
Leonard: You called the police because somebody hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern Kingdoms, has been picked clean like a carcass in the desert sun! Plus, the FBI hung up on me!
Howard: (while playing World of Warcraft) Alright, here we are; this is the tavern where all the black-market weapon trades go down.
Raj: I don't think my character should be in a place like this; everyone's undressing her with their eyes.
Howard: Maybe if you stop dropping your sword and bending over to pick it up!
Bernadette: I took Howard to the beach once. He almost burst into flames like a vampire.
Sheldon: 3000 hours. 3000 hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It's almost as if it was a huge waste of time.
Todd Zarnecki: (Sheldon knocks on his front door) Who is it?
Sheldon: Your doom!
Raj: Don't say "your doom". Who answers the door for their doom?
Sheldon: Good point.
(turning back to the door)
Sheldon: Basket of puppies!
Penny: Anyways, I brought you a day-old cheesecake to cheer you up.
Sheldon: Stale pastry is hollow succor to a man who is bereft of ostrich.
Penny: Just say thank you.
Sheldon: I thought I just did.
Amy: Four women walk down the stairs. How many reach the lobby?
Officer Shin: I'm sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn't have jurisdiction in... Pandora.
Sheldon: That's from Avatar! World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun?
Officer Shin: Mr. Cooper, there's nothing...
Sheldon: Dr. Cooper!
Officer Shin: Seriously?
Leonard: Not the kind with access to drugs.
Penny: Give my friend his stuff back.
Todd Zarnecki: I don't know what you're talking about.
Penny: Well then good news. Today is the day a girl is finally gonna touch you in your little special place.
(Penny kicks his groin)
Penny: Now give him his stuff back.
Todd Zarnecki: (In deep pain) Ok.
Sheldon: (shouting) WE DID IT!
(Penny looks at him)
Sheldon: I said *WE*.
Penny: Want some coffee liqueur on your ice cream?
Amy: Aah, here's the alcohol and drug peer pressure mother warned me about. I was starting to think it was never going to happen.
(beat)
Amy: Yes, please.
Priya: (Priya meets Penny as Penny leaves Leonard's apartment) Oh, hello.
Penny: Oh, hi. I was just dropping off a cheesecake to Sheldon. He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that's useful in an make-believe place.
Priya: I don't know what that means.
Penny: Yeah, well, sadly, I do.
Sheldon: It is time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!
Leonard: I'm on it.
(pulls out cell phone and dials)
Leonard: Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz, is Howard there? Okay, thanks.
(hangs up)
Leonard: That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.
Priya: Leonard, you're busy; let's talk tomorrow.
Leonard: Oh, wait. Hang on; are you upset?
Priya: No, no, I think it's sexy to date a boy trapped in a man's body.
Leonard: Good, good, I'll tell you what happened.
(Priya leaves)
Sheldon: (to Howard) People think *I* don't get sarcasm.
Howard: No-one can hide from me: not Waldo, not Carmen Sandiego, not even topless Natalie Portman.
Howard: (Sheldon is holding a Klingon Bat'leth) Why did you bring that?
Sheldon: No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
Leonard: OK, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's "batlething" anybody.
Sheldon: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.
Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion
Howard: Fine then get another deck and I'll do the trick with that
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard: I'm saying believe in magic you muggle!
Sheldon: Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you're just an engineer, but that doesn't mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else's Nobel prize acceptance speech.
Priya: Listen, we need to talk about something.
Leonard: (panicked) Oh, my god, you're breaking up with me. Why would you take me clothes shopping and then break up with me? That is just cruel.
Priya: Leonard, relax. I'm not breaking up with you.
Leonard: Oh.
(he takes a breath from his inhaler)
Leonard: (playing it cool) So, what's up?
Penny: I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know; that's axiomatic.
Penny: Come here.
(Penny whispers in Howard's ear)
Howard: You're right.
Penny: (seeing Sheldon's indignation) Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.
Leonard: Hypothetically, if I had access to a Lieutenant Uhura uniform, would you wear it?
Priya: Leonard, it is a source of great pain to me and my family that my brother has that outfit in his wardrobe.
Leonard: Last night, me wanting to try that stuff out of the Kama Sutra... was that fun for you, or kind of racially insensitive?
Priya: Yeah, just because you're in bed with an Indian woman, you think that gives you permission to use crazy positions from an ancient Indian love manual?
Leonard: Hey, if you can find a book called "Weird Sex With White Boys", I'd be okay with that.
Leonard: Are you familiar with Darwin's observation of the finches in the Galapagos Islands?
Penny: Did they make a movie about it?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Then, no.
Leonard: Check it out. Just got contacts.
(scene switches to Leonard view - out of focus)
Penny: Oh, for god's sake, Leonard, this is about Priya, isn't it? She doesn't want me hanging out with you.
Leonard: Yes. There, I said it.
Penny: Okay, look, I happen to like your girlfriend.
Leonard: And she likes you.
Penny: No, she doesn't.
Leonard: Not really, no.
Penny: It doesn't matter. Look, I promise from now on I will keep my distance from you.
Leonard: Well, now, hold on. What kind of distance are we talking about? Because we are neighbours. I mean, I can hear the toilet flush in your apartment.
Penny: You can hear my toilet flush?
Leonard: I don't listen for it, but it's nice to know everything's okay with your plumbing. The building's plumbing.
Penny: Leonard, I get it. You're in a new relationship now. And I'm happy for you. So why don't we just shake hands and part friends?
Leonard: Well, now hold on, how about this? How about we still hang out, but on the down-low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard: No. I actually felt kinda silly just saying on the down-low.
Penny: (sadly) Goodbye Leonard.
Leonard: How about we still hang out, but on the down low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard: No. I actually felt kind of silly just saying "on the down low."
Leonard: What's up with the infrared cameras?
Sheldon: I'm measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which ones have been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.
Leonard: Penny and I are just friends.
Priya: I don't care. This is a woman you have slept with. If you want her around, then I have to wonder if maybe you're not ready to move on.
Leonard: No, no, no, I'm ready. I gave up the gift of sight for you! If that's not moving on, what is?
Priya: You have such beautiful eyes. Have you ever thought about getting contacts?
Leonard: I tried in the 7th grade. I could never get used to 'em.
Priya: Oh, that's too bad.
Leonard: Yeah, if I had contacts, I would have been the coolest debate club president to ever be stuffed into his own cello case.
Priya: If you had them on now, you could see what we're going to do next.
(kisses Leonard)
Leonard: That's okay, I can infer from context.
(about Sheldon)
Howard: You ever notice when he thinks real hard, it smells like bacon?
Sheldon: Apparently you can't hack into a government super computer and the try to buy uranium without the department of homeland security tattling to your mother.
Sheldon: (Scoffing at Penny) Not knowing is part of the fun! What is that the motto of your community college?
Amy: You know, if being on your own is new to you, I'd be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies that I've perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush?
Penny: Uh, no.
Amy: You should get one.
Priya: Sheldon's a bit quirky, isn't he?
Howard: Oh please, that crazy bastard is looking at quirky in the rearview mirror.
Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing?
Bernadette: We were hoping you'd know a place.
Amy: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young beautiful bodies, sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.
Penny: Oh yeah, I know that place.
(Sheldon is having a get-together with a new group of friends)
Leonard: You're having people over?
Sheldon: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I'll tell you. Stuart from the comic book store, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack, and TV's Levar Burton.
Leonard: Really? Levar Burton's coming over?
Sheldon: Possible. I tweeted him.
Raj: Hey, you're just in time. We made Tex-Mex.
Leonard: Sounds great.
Sheldon: Ooh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.
(Usual gang and Priya are gossiping about Sheldon)
Howard: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God! You're kidding?
Raj: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterward and said, "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could've put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
(all laugh)
Leonard: Bam! Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.
Leonard: I thought you were with your new friends.
Sheldon: I had to leave. They were having fun wrong.
Sheldon: (tasting Priya's non-Texan chili) Mm, this is good... whatever it is.
Sheldon: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand, hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.
Zack: Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?
Sheldon: Surprisingly, yes.
Zack: Nice. Now, what exactly are toes?
Sheldon: I just realized, we're about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.
Leonard: So don't watch TV. Read a book.
Sheldon: And be a social pariah? You know that's not my style.
Kripke: I'm Barry Kwipke and I'm here because you told me there was gonna be a whaffle. When is the whaffle?
Sheldon: Patience, patience, Barry. The whaffle... the raffle is the grand finale to an evening-long festival of fun and folly.
Penny: Let's go find me a heinie to bite.
Amy: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.
(Sheldon has come over to Raj's after his get-together didn't go the way he wanted it to)
Sheldon: (knocking on front door) All my friends?
(knocking)
Sheldon: All my friends?
(knocking)
Sheldon: All my friends?
Howard: I think it's like "Beetlejuice"; we said his name too many times.
Penny: Let's go through this one more time. Just because Leonard has a new girlfriend does not mean I need to go out and hook up with some guy.
Bernadette: But you could if you wanted to, right?
Penny: Well yeah, I guess.
Bernadette: Pick out the hottest guy in the room, take him home, do unspeakable things to him, then kick him to the curb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heinie?
Amy: Yo, P-Dawg.
(Amy and Bernadette want to take Penny out for a girl's night, but Penny doesn't want to)
Amy: You do understand that it will distract you from obsessing over the rich variety of sweet loving that your ex-boyfriend is currently receiving from the fiery jewel of Mumbai.
Sheldon: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.
(Priya has made some homemade chili, albeit with beans, which is counter to the Texan definition of chili - Sheldon is Texan - and the fact is fodder for know-it-all Sheldon)
Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?
Sheldon: Are there beans in it?
Priya: (guardedly) Yes?
Sheldon: Then it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.
Priya: (a bit exasperated) Sheldon, do you want some or not?
Sheldon: Yes, please.
(to Leonard, quietly)
Sheldon: Your girlfriend's a little short-tempered.
(Sheldon's guests are singing karaoke. All have been drinking, and Stuart is still in towels from taking a shower)
Stuart, Kripke, Zack: (singing) I'm walking on sunshine... who-oo...
Levar Burton: (arrives at party late, and enters) Hello, I...
Levar Burton: (Sees strange guests and backs out of doorway) Oh, I don't think so...
Levar Burton: (walking down stairs) I am so done with Twitter.
Priya: There's no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere, make yourself comfortable.
Sheldon: Oh, what fun. We're like hippies at a love-in.
Leonard: Just sit here.
Sheldon: Right on, man, right on.
Sheldon: I'm the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!
Howard: We wait for my mom's heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Is it a sex criminal?
Howard: Nobody wants to do that to you, Ma!
Priya: Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don't get to tell me who I can or can't have a relationship with.
Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman's father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble, given that the prize is Leonard.
Sheldon: I'll finish making the tea while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever's troubling you.
Howard: Thanks.
Sheldon: That's what tertiary friends are for.
Amy: Granted, Penny, your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious, but Priya is highly educated, she's an accomplished professional, and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows.
Penny: I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. I don't want to impose.
Sheldon: No, no. It's not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.
Penny: If I had more than a box of baking soda in my refrigerator, I wouldn't have to take that.
Raj: It's completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I'll be right out here monitoring the situation! Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.
Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who's upset.
Sheldon: Right. I'll make tea.
Penny: Oh Sweetie, that's okay. I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, it's not optional.
Sheldon: Just keep in mind, should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.
Amy: (to Penny, about Priya) I am regretting my earlier cattiness. She is an absolute delight.
Amy: Thanks to you, I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.
Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.
Sheldon: Priya, if you're experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, "do the dance with no pants."
Priya: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you're an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, yes, real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat-food commercial. It turned out to be porn.
Sheldon: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn't do the audition!
Sheldon: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?
Amy: (visiting Penny) I just wanted to check in on you.
Penny: Why?
Amy: Seems like the appropriate thing to do when your best friend finds herself replaced by a smart, beautiful woman with the smoldering sexuality of a crouched Bengal tiger.
Howard: (Howard inserts the key in the front door of his house)
Mrs. Wolowitz: (from inside) WHO'S THERE? ARE YOU A SEX CRIMINAL?
Howard: Sex criminals don't have KEYS, MA!
(Howard goes inside)
Mrs. Wolowitz: WHERE WERE YOU SO LATE?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! I WATCH DR. PHIL! I HOPE YOU USED A CONDOM!
Howard: I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: GOD FORBID YOU HAVE THOSE NEW FANCY SEX DISEASES!
Howard: (seriously?) NOBODY HAS A DISEASE!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I HOPE NOT! I SHARE A TOILET WITH YOU! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO GIVE YOUR MOTHER HERPES?
Howard: That's it! I don't have to take this!
(Howard storms off and slams the door)
Howard: GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR EYEBROWS IN THE MORNING!
(Howard leaves, but then turns back around and inserts the house key again)
Mrs. Wolowitz: WHO'S THERE? ARE YOU A SEX CRIMINAL?
Howard: (Howard opens the door) I'm still leaving, I just forgot my CLARITIN!
Mrs. Latham: There's nothing I like better than making smart people feel ill at ease.
Leonard: Why?
Mrs. Latham: Oh, I don't know, it's one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money.
Leonard: She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where are you going, the drive-thru at Jack In the Box?
Mrs. Latham: Alright, Dr. Kooth - whatever it is. You're up.
Raj: (terrified) It's Koothrappali. I have to tinkle.
Sheldon: No. No. No. I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands.
(Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to attend a fund raiser, which he has skipped because he feels it's demeaning)
Amy: If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology Department.
Sheldon: Oh, dear! Not the dirt people!
Amy: Or worse. It could go to: the liberal arts.
Sheldon: No!
Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists, and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the Humanities!
Mrs. Latham: I'll make it easy for you. When you arrive at the lab in the morning, what sort of machine do you turn on?
Leonard: Coffee maker?
Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider just this once using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!
Sheldon: Penny, you're an expert at exchanging sexual favors for material gain. Walk him through this.
Sheldon: (answering the phone) Cooper-Hofstadter residence; go for Cooper.
Sheldon: Good morning, Mrs. Latham.
Sheldon: Yes, of course I remember you; a woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husbands ill-gotten gains.
Sheldon: So, how much money you going to give me?
Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
Sheldon: Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling?
Sheldon: (passes the phone to Leonard) She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now?
Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
Sheldon: I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.
Raj: Here's what I wonder about zombies:
(the others groan)
Raj: What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
Raj: Yeah, okay. So, zombies.
Leonard: Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
Howard: Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.
President Siebert: Ah, there he is, the man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard: I didn't do it for the money.
President Siebert: Keep telling yourself that; it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Raj: Cool, buddy. That's awesome.
Howard: How was she?
Leonard: She hit on me.
Howard: Wait, wait, are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard: I think so.
Howard: You lucky duck.
Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you?
Sheldon: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard: No, I didn't do it for the money.
Sheldon: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you!
Penny: (to Leonard) Good morning, slut!
Leonard: What?
Penny: Oh please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.
Mrs. Latham: What happened to you, Wolowitz? Couldn't stick with it long enough to get your Ph.D.?
Howard: I'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a Ph.D. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste disposal system for NASA.
Mrs. Latham: Got it. You're a space plumber.
President Siebert: (Putting his arms around Sheldon and Leonard's shoulders) How are we doing today?
Sheldon: That depends. How much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
President Siebert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
Sheldon: It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia.
Penny: What was that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?
Sheldon: It's a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit's due.
Sheldon: I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair, which, by the way, is something you don't want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign's uniform.
Leonard: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Sheldon: Oh, wow!
Howard: Yess!
Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
Howard: Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tochus.
Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dicky.
Howard: Excuse me, my girl friend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.
Sheldon: Just because the nice man is offering you candy doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van.
Sheldon: Good evening. I'm your guest lecturer, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
(no reaction)
Sheldon: I was expecting applause, but I suppose stunned silence is equally appropriate. I agreed to speak to you this evening because I was told that you're the best and the brightest of this university's doctoral candidates. Of course, that's like saying you're the most important electron in a hydrogen atom.
(no reaction)
Sheldon: Because, you see, there's only one electron in a hydrogen atom.
(no reaction)
Sheldon: Best and brightest, my sweet patootie.
Leonard: I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
Howard: Listen to this one: "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky dead?"
Sheldon: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I've failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?
Penny: Hey Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down? I can't get on.
Leonard: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Pennyisafreeloader". No spaces.
(Sheldon is acting out a scene from a play he wrote)
Sheldon: (as a child) Mommy, why are you crying?
Sheldon: (as his mother) Because I'm gonna miss you, Shellybean, even though you creep the bejesus out of me.
Howard: Bernadette has needs.
Raj: What kind of needs?
Howard: Sexual needs.
Bernadette: Most of them regular, some of them kind of messed up.
Penny: Mrs. Cooper? Hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son.
(hands Sheldon the phone)
Penny: Talk to your mother.
Sheldon: (sobbing) Mommy, I love you! Don't let Spock take me to the future!
Raj: I want to be something with sex appeal, like a Labradoodle.
Sheldon: I didn't wanna teach those poopy heads anyway!
Howard: FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.
Sheldon: Yeah, I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".
Leonard: Oh, from the context, we think it means "Kill me now".
Penny: Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either.
Raj: Somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
Leonard: Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard: Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.
Amy: (after multiple failed attempts to cheer up Sheldon) Well, that was the last arrow in my quiver of whimsy.
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept: "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat."
Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Workers' Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon: (Incredulous, to Leonard) You lied to me?
Sheldon: Remember, people, we're only as strong as our weakest bladder.
Amy: (to Penny, who had turned down Amy's offer to be her plus-one for the science symposium everyone else is going to) Do you know anybody else who would appreciate an all expense paid spa getaway to a four-star hotel in Big Sur?
Penny: No, as... I'm sorry free what? Sorry, what what?
Leonard: (to Amy) I think her weekend just opened up.
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, when you guys say 'spa', does it mean the same as when regular people say it?
Leonard: Pretty much, only we keep our shirts on in the sauna.
Sheldon: (Trying to get the symposium back on track) Let's open it up to the audience for a Q&A session.
Penny: (In the audience) Yeah, I have a question. Is there anyone who can get me the hell out of here and back to Los Angeles tonight?
Glenn: (Also in the audience) I'm driving back to L.A. tonight.
Bernadette: (Pointing them out to each other) Um, Penny, that's Glen. Glen, that's Penny.
Leonard: (Jumps up) NO!
Sheldon: (turns on the light) Please tell me you're not having coitus.
Penny: We are not having coitus.
Sheldon: And you can guarantee that it won't happen at any time during the night?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Amy: Leonard, could I ask you a question?
Leonard: Sure.
Amy: Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life?
Leonard: No. Why do you ask?
Amy: Because we are going 120 miles per hour.
Sheldon: (Trying to steer away from Bernadette and Howard's bickering) Um, Dr. Koothrappali, would you like to weigh in on the matter?
Raj: (Holding his drink) Why certainly. I'd like to raise two points. Number one, I think they are talking about penises. And number two, these mimosas are kicking my little brown ass!
Leonard: (Coldly to him) I'd like to kick your little brown ass.
Raj: What did I do?
Leonard: (Sarcastically) Oh, I don't know. Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and see a guy getting back with his girlfriend, you should maybe do something other than crawl into the other bed.
Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.
Penny: (From the audience) We weren't getting back together. It was a one-off fling.
Sheldon: Um, we're not yet taking questions from the audience.
Penny: Oh, *shut up*, Sheldon!
Sheldon: In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler, and Penny.
Amy: Yes!
(to Penny)
Amy: He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.
Sheldon: I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, B.S., M.S., MA, Ph.D., and Sc.D. OMG, right?
Howard: Sorry. I just never figured that a guy like me going out with a girl like you would ever have to compete with a guy like that.
Bernadette: Wait a minute. "A girl like me"? What's that mean?
Howard: (instantly realizes his mistake) Um... I...
Bernadette: Are you saying you don't think I'm hot enough to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: No! No, I'm saying exactly the opposite.
Bernadette: I'm *too* hot to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: Yeah, let's go with that.
Leonard: (Referring to her sleeping in he and Sheldon's room) So, how do you wanna do this?
Penny: Well, I'm not getting in bed with him.
(Sheldon is asleep on his back, with the sheets tucked into him, and with a sleep mask on)
Leonard: Yeah, it is a little like getting into Dracula's coffin.
Amy: We decided we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.
Penny: (coming up to their table at the Cheesecake Factory) Hey! So are we ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in here every Tuesday at 6pm and it's now 6:08, your question not only answers itself, but also goes along with other non-sensical queries, like "Who let the dogs out?", or "How are they hanging?"
Penny: (Marking her order tablet) Ooookay, so the usual with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.
Sheldon: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Amy: Shame. Since you're my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
Penny: I'm your best friend?
Amy: Don't you read my blog?
Penny: Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's, and I used to sleep with him.
Sheldon: (In Bernadette and Howard's car, the two of them can't even look at one another right now, and Raj is clearly suffering from the effects of his drinking the day before)
(Over walkie-talkie speaker)
Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five. Red Leader to Red Five.
(Howard doesn't respond, but Raj is clearly bothered by the sound)
Sheldon: Anybody up for a little game? I spy with my little eye a non-ferrous metal.
(as Sheldon says the last line, Howard rolls the window down and throws his walkie-talkie out of the car. Then Raj throws up in a bag)
Sheldon: (Cut to Leonard and Sheldon's car, and Sheldon is looking at his walkie-talkie) Must be out of range.
Penny: Sweetie, let me put this in a way you'll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up.
Leonard: Got it. Got it... . We can do all kinds of stuff from the waist up, you know?
Amy: A word of warning, though. I'm prone to night terrors. So, if I wake up kicking and screaming, don't panic. Just pin me down and stroke my hair and I'll be fine.
Sheldon: All right, why don't we see if we can bring this back to topic?
Howard: (turns to Bernadette) Let me ask you something, Bernie.
Sheldon: (resigned) I guess not.
Howard: How would you feel if you met my ex-girlfriend and she was, like, Angelina Jolie?
Bernadette: Oh, come on, Howard, be realistic!
Howard: What? I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj: I'd like to weigh in here: no.
Penny: (Moves to hug Amy after Amy invites her to go to Big Sur) You know, it is going to be difficult, but I am going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my 'bestie'.
Amy: (Somewhat coldly) Please don't touch my breasts!
Penny: I... I wasn't going to.
Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.
Sheldon: (In their car, into a walkie-talkie) Red Leader to Red Five. Come in.
(No response, into walkie-talkie again)
Sheldon: Red Leader to Red Five. Come in.
(Still no response, into walkie-talkie, this time annoyed)
Sheldon: Howard, you promised!
Howard: (Over walkie-talkie speaker, annoyed) Fine. Red Five to Red Leader. What do you want now?
Sheldon: (Into walkie-talkie) It's 11:15. I am requesting your quarterly hour location update.
Howard: (Over speaker) Still right behind you.
Sheldon: Copy that, Red Five.
(Looks into center rear-view mirror, then into walkie-talkie)
Sheldon: Verbal confirmation is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.
Bernadette: Can I stay here tonight?
Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened?
Bernadette: Howard's a complete and total ass.
Penny: Oh yeah, that. Come on in.
Leonard: (fed up with Sheldon trying to take over the app project) Okay, you're fired.
Sheldon: Really? Why?
Penny: (to Sheldon, who is sitting on the stairs playing the theremin) Whatcha doing? Trying to contact your home planet?
Sheldon: Consider this unlikely, but very plausible scenario: A young woman, alone in the big city. Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Penny: Hey, wait a minute.
Howard: Hang on. Let's see where he's going.
Sheldon: Then it hits her. How is she going to survive? She has no prospects, no marketable skills. And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend, Howard.
Howard: Hey, I...
Penny: Hang on, let's see where he's going.
Sheldon: She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
Leonard: That is ridiculous.
Sheldon: Oh is it? Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
(everyone looks at Penny)
Penny: Oh great. You know what? I've already mooched dinner off you guys, I don't need to listen to this.
Howard: There's your answer, free food.
Sheldon: I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard: What the hell are bus pants?
Sheldon: They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on.
Raj: Last night, I had a dream we got so rich from the app, you and I bought matching side-by-side mansions. But there was a secret tunnel connecting your front yard to my back yard. What do you think it means?
Howard: It means after we play handball, I'm showering at home.
Leonard: You know how we're always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you're doing Fourier analysis or using the Schr?dinger equation?
Sheldon: Howard doesn't, he's only an engineer.
Raj: Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.
Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression we're a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centers.
Raj: Oh, very clever. But still racist.
Sheldon: Duly noted, "Steve from Wichita".
Penny: Hey, you don't need Leonard and his app. You can make one with me.
Sheldon: With you?
Penny: Seriously, I have a great idea for one.
Sheldon: Is it better than your idea to move to Los Angeles and become a famous actress?
Howard: Eureka!
Raj: (upset) Hey, we agreed when it was 'Eureka' time, we were all gonna say it together.
Howard: Fine. Let's say it together.
Raj: (revolted) No. The moment has passed!
Sheldon: How about this for the name? The Surprising Helpful Equation Linked Deferential Optimized Numerator.
Raj: So it spells "Sheldon"?
Sheldon: Does it? A happy accident.
Howard: (on cellphone) Ma, ma, calm dow- listen to me! I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop the trackpad is the mouse. Now put your finger on it.
Howard: Doesn't matter which finger.
Howard: Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon.
Howard: The little envelope.
Howard: What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!
Howard: Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it!
Howard: Sure. We can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye.
Raj: That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?
Sheldon: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.
Sheldon: You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea. Very good.
Leonard: Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat who learned how to use the toilet?
Sheldon: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable. Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.
Leonard: Listen, you don't have to wear the wig. At this party, we're gonna win first prize just by showing up with a girl.
Stuart: You guys finally chip in for a bodyguard?
Leonard: Uh, no. Oh, this is Zack; he's... a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart; he owns the store.
Zack: Wow! Lucky you.
Stuart: Yeah! I work seventy hours a week and average a dollar sixty-five an hour.
Zack: Sweet!
Stuart: Is that sarcasm?
Howard: Uh, no, it's an indictment of the American education system,
Howard: Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.
Sheldon: Oh.
Raj: Yes.
Sheldon: What's the bad news?
Howard: Superman probably isn't getting laid tonight.
Zack: (Looks down at his Superman costume) Aw, damn.
Howard: We can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
Leonard: What makes you think *I* can convince her.
Howard: You got her to have sex with you; obviously your super-power is brainwashing.
Penny: What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I'm The Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.
Zack: Hold on. The costume came with a black wig.
(to Penny, sotto voce)
Zack: Where is it, babe?
Penny: No. I'm not wearing it. It looks stupid.
Zack: Come on. We're trying to win a contest here.
Penny: Forget it. I'm not wearing the wig.
Zack: Penny, there is no "I" in "Justice League."
Leonard: If it makes you feel any better, when I was dating Penny, she used to flip out on me all the time.
Zack: Whoa! You dated Penny?
Leonard: She didn't tell you?
Zack: She told me she dated a guy named Leonard; who would have thought it was you?
Howard: (in gravelly voice) I'm Batman.
Sheldon: Oh, I hardly think so. The real Caped Crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he's running late.
Howard: I had to walk. I couldn't get Raj on the back of my scooter.
(Raj walks inside in his Aquaman costume with attached seahorse)
Raj: I've said this before and I'll say it again, Aquaman sucks.
Zack: (entering the comic book store) Where do they keep the Archies?
Sheldon: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.
Zack: Oh, no, you're thinking old-school Archie. It's much more sophisticated now. Like, there's two universes, and Archie's married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.
Penny: I'm still mad at you.
Zack: Well, you won't be when you hear the great news.
Penny: What great news?
Zack: We're going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Years Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.
Sheldon: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.
Leonard: You can't replace me with Zack.
Sheldon: Why not? Penny did.
Howard: Yeah, she seems happier. Why wouldn't we be?
Sheldon: It occurs to me that we might have an opportunity to finally snare Best Group Costume if we shore up our weak link, which is clearly Leonard as Superman.
Leonard: Hey, I got new boots this year, guaranteed to add 3 inches.
Sheldon: That's sad. Let's ask ourselves, is there anyone we know who would make a more manly and convincing son of Krypton?
Stuart: Than Leonard in high-heel boots? Howard's mother in high-heel boots?
Leonard: Were we bullying Zack?
Howard: No, I know bullying. He left here unswirlied and his ass crack was underpants-free.
Raj: And nobody drew a penis on his forehead.
Leonard: That happened to you?
Raj: First day of cricket camp. They drew it so the testicles were my eyes.
Howard: Check it out; those guys are breaking into that car'
Leonard: What should we do?
Sheldon: We're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we *can* do: turn around and slowly walk away.
Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard: They might be smarter than some people.
Zack: Maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon: That's easy enough. We need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
(the guys laugh at him)
Zack: I don't get it.
Leonard: A dolphin might.
Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.
Penny: (after the guys make fun of Zack) You know, for a group of guys who claim to have been bullied, you can be real jerks. Shame on all of you.
(she storms out)
Raj: (having not said a word) What the hell did I do?
Penny: (poking her head back in) You laughed.
Leonard: Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is seventy-two degrees, but I'm a little warm so I'm going to turn it down.
Sheldon: (runs to the Grand Canyon as The Flash) Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter!
(runs back to the apartment and becomes himself)
Sheldon: Fine.
Leonard: Fine, if Zack's going to be Superman, I want to be Green Lantern.
Raj: But I'm Green Lantern.
Leonard: You can be Aquaman.
Raj: I don't want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.
Leonard: Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.
Sheldon: Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
Penny: Goodbye, Sheldon!
(slams the door)
Sheldon: But they're not blond, so put on your wig!
Raj: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we've got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.
Sheldon: Obviously, we're no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
Raj: Ooh, I call Kermit.
Sheldon: I'm Kermit. You're Scooter.
Raj: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He's the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.
Zack: I haven't been to a comic book store in literally a million years.
Sheldon: Literally? Literally a million years?
Raj: (playing a card) Water Demon.
Howard: (playing a card) Ice Dragon.
Leonard: (playing a card) Lesser Warlord of Ka'a.
Sheldon: Not so fast.
(playing a card)
Sheldon: Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard: Infinite Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes. Infinite Sheldon, it beats all other cards - and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard: You understand why people don't want to play with you?
Sheldon: No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.
Zack: Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.
(Zack jumps into Sheldon and Leonard's apartment in his Superman costume)
Zack: I forget the rest.
Penny: (Enters wearing a Wonder Woman costume with a low-cut top) All right. Let's get this thing over with.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
Howard: Relax. No one's gonna be looking at her hair.
(Penny punches Wolowitz in his shoulder)
Howard: Ow! I mean...
Howard: (in gravelly voice) Ow.
Leonard: (about apologizing to Zack) What would I even say?
Sheldon: "Zack, I'm sorry you're stupid. Have a Milk Dud."
Raj: A Milk Dud?
Sheldon: Yeah. Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn't believe in wearing costumes. She isn't the free spirit I am.
Amy: Zack, I am Amy Farrah Fowler. We met the other night. I have spent my life in pursuit of pure knowledge. Until I met you, my decisions were founded in logic and reason. And yet here I stand before you, 130 pounds of raging estrogen, longing to grab hold of your gluteus maximus, and make Shakespeare's metaphorical beast with two backs.
Zack: My gluteus what?
Amy: On the other hand, as I look at the blank, ape-like expression on your face, I have decided to adopt the Vulcan practice of Kolinahr. Goodbye, Zack.
Zack: Bye.
(They shake hands)
Amy: Hoo-ooh!
(Amy turns and limps away)
Amy: That should hold me for awhile.
Sheldon: Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?
Amy: It's too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quizno's. For examination under a two photon microscope, it's fine.
Sheldon: Well, you're the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.
Amy: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.
Sheldon: What were the symptoms?
Amy: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.
Sheldon: Localized to what region?
Amy: Ears and genitalia.
Sheldon: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up.
Penny: (about Zack) He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.
Bernadette: Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
Penny: Wouldn't help. Zack can't even spell NPR.
Howard: Who'd want to become Ratman?
Raj: Who wouldn't. You could zip through a maze in nothing flat, squeeze through really small holes, and shut down restaurants in a single bound. And the best part of it is, if I were Ratman, you could be my sidekick, Mouse Boy.
Howard: Mouse Boy?
Raj: Oh, you don't like Mouse Boy? How about Kid Vermin?
Sheldon: What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.
Raj: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
Sheldon: Wrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.
Howard: No.
Raj: We're good.
Sheldon: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying - hang on to your hats - seven and three. Heh? Heh? Did I lie?
Leonard: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
Sheldon: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001, which backwards is 1001001. Exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is "sirron kcuhc."
Raj: Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down, it spells "boobies."
Penny: I'm suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy's... urges.
Sheldon: It's illegal to spay a human being.
Bernadette: How do you know him?
Penny: Oh, we went out a couple times.
Amy: I'm often flummoxed by current slang. Does 'went out' mean 'had intercourse'?
Bernadette: Yes,
Penny: No, no. But in this case yes.
Amy: Did you know that the iconic Valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?
Penny: So I spent seventh grade dotting my I's with little asses?
(Amy nods)
Penny: Cool.
Sheldon: Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood: hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases... sexual arousal.
Amy: Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?
Penny: Are you saying that Amy is... oh, what's the scientific word...
Sheldon: Forget science. She's horny.
Amy: I think we need to face the cold hard truth. I was sexually aroused by Penny's friend, Zack.
Sheldon: Hang on, I don't know that we've given the alien parasite hypothesis a fair shake.
Raj: You realize you can't win.
Howard: I prefer to think that I can't lose.
Raj: You're wrong. It's only a matter of time before you fall into Rat Man's Rat Trap.
Howard: You pathetic fool, if there were a rat catcher wouldn't it catch Rat Man?
Raj: Just because I didn't express myself well doesn't mean my underlying point wasn't valid, you bloviating buffoon.
Howard: You narcissistic nincompoop.
Raj: You crimson coward. Oh, Leonard, wake up; you're missing some very excellent superhero quips.
Sheldon: Clarify something for me. Isn't the point of a communal meal the exchange of ideas and opinions? An opportunity to consider important issues of the day?
Leonard: It is. You just kind of put a damper on things when you said, "The next person I see talking with food in their mouth will be put to death."
Amy: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause!
Sheldon: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.
Leonard: D'you get to play with Raj's big telescope last night?
Howard: Wh... Where did that come from?
Raj: He never touched my telescope!
Howard: Way to go shutting up.
Raj: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
Howard: Fine.
Raj: Thank you.
(pause)
Raj: How come you didn't call me this morning?
Leonard: Why do I bother talking to you people?
Sheldon: If it'll make you feel better, we rarely listen.
Sheldon: Leonard is the signatory to the roommate agreement. As such, he bears responsibility for all your infractions and must pay all fines.
Leonard: Fines?
Sheldon: Yes. Penny's going to be spending nights here again, you'll need to set up an escrow account. Sign here.
Sheldon: Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.
Leonard: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again,
Sheldon: (Sheldon throws the agreement up in the air) Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?
Leonard: You'll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work in the Thinkatorium, by telepathically-controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Awww...
Leonard: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon: Well, who would ever guess that?
Wyatt: Donnie was a rocket scientist compared to that boy who wanted to get beer pong into the Olympics. What was his name, sweetheart?
Penny: Curtis, and I'm pretty sure he was joking.
Wyatt: Well I don't know, that petition looked real to me.
Howard: Aah, this takes me back, Leonard obsessing about Penny. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your new stuff, but once in awhile, it's nice to hear the hits.
Raj: Ooh, ooh, do "Our babies will be smart and beautiful". That one always makes me laugh.
Leonard: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.
Sheldon: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Wyatt: I thought we were past the days when you would try to pull the wool over my eyes. Telling me the baggie in your underwear drawer is potpourri. And the pee stick in your bathroom is to check for diabetes.
Wyatt: (Penny's dad, urging Leonard to get back together with her) Please, please, please don't give up on her!
Leonard: What?
Wyatt: I can't go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers, and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.
Leonard: Gee, I don't know if it's in the cards, sir.
Wyatt: Then stack the deck! Cheat! Lie! I don't care! I want grandkids before I die, and I want 'em to grow up in a house without wheels.
Leonard: (to Penny's father) I'll 'Friend' you on Facebook!
(Howard has invited Bernadette to join Raj, who is monitoring a telescope)
Bernadette: So, where's the telescope?
Howard: It's in Hawaii, but Raj controls it from here. He's hoping to see Epsilon Eridani dim, which would be evidence of a planet orbiting it.
Bernadette: So we just sit and stare at the screen, waiting for something to happen?
Howard: I did it with you, when we rented 'The Notebook'.
(Penny's father, Wyatt, sees Leonard kissing her)
Penny: C'mon, Honey, not in front of my dad!
Wyatt: Relax, I've seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider.
Sheldon: I'm going to propose a hypothesis. Last night, Raj accidentally made contact with an alien civilization and has been ordered by the United States Government to keep it a secret.
Raj: Noting happened. Can we please just change the subject?
Sheldon: That sounds rehearsed. We are not alone.
Raj: You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.
Howard: Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard: He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.
Sheldon: As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon: Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.
(Raj and Howard are playing Intergalactic Battleship)
Howard: C-7.
Raj: Miss.
Howard: How could that be a miss? C-6 was a hit. C-8 was a hit. Part of your starship has to be on C-7.
Raj: Not if it has a hole in the middle.
Howard: What kind of space ship has a hole in the middle?
Raj: A... Romulan battle bagel?
Penny: Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...
Leonard: Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?
Sheldon: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.
Penny: (to Leonard) No, you're right.
(to Sheldon)
Penny: No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.
Raj: Hello, Hawaii. This is Dr. Koothrappali in Pasadena. I'd like you to reposition the telescope please.
(pause)
Raj: Scarlett Johansson's house.
(laughs hysterically)
Raj: I'm kidding, Hawaii, mahalo!
Howard: Actually, Indian Monopoly is just like regular, except the money's in rupees, instead of hotels, you build call centers, and when you take a Chance card, you might die of dysentery.
Sheldon: I'd like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement, specifically to address Penny's annoying personal habits.
Penny: Oh, my God! What personal habits?
Sheldon: I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number twelve.
Penny: Do you know what I've been doing for the last hour?
Leonard: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?
Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.
Leonard: You gotta admit, I am, I'm delightful.
Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?
Leonard: (smirking) It's not difficult for me. I'm having fun.
Penny: Leonard!
Leonard: What do you want me to do? You started this. You wanna go over and tell him we're broken up?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Well, then, what do you want?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard: Don't you think that's something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?
Penny: (pauses) Maybe.
Raj: I can't be drinking! I'm about to make an important scientific discovery here!
Howard: What - ? Galileo did his best work while drinking wine.
Raj: How do you know that?
Howard: Well, he was Italian. It's a reasonable assumption.
Raj: Dude, can you even open your mouth without spewing a cultural stereotype?
Howard: Oh, I'm sorry, Galileo drank diet Sprite!
Penny: I kinda told my father we got back together again.
Leonard: What? Why?
Penny: Well, you're the first guy he's ever really approved of, you know, you're a scientist who went to college, and you don't have a neck tattoo or outstanding warrants or - or a baby.
Leonard: What kind of guys did you used to go out with?
Penny: Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heart-broken, and he kept bugging me: "How's Leonard?", "Why can't you get back together with Leonard?", "I bet Leonard never tipped a cow over on himself."
Sheldon: (answering the phone) Hello.
Sheldon: Yes, the elevator's out of order; you'll have to use the stairs.
Sheldon: Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the sixteenth century while the first elevator was not installed until 1852; that means that for over three hundred years people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.
Leonard: I'll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.
Sheldon: I don't care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and Klingon.
Sheldon: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer Trouble.
Sheldon: No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.
Bernadette: You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.
Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?
Bernadette: No, just the one, but it's really long.
(Sheldon is upset that Wil Wheaton has been invited to circumvent the line into a showing of the remastered "Raiders of the Lost Ark")
Sheldon: This is "Indiana Jones", not "Star Trek". There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here.
(shouting at a departing Wil Wheaton)
Sheldon: And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up!
Howard: Are you sure you don't want to come with us to "Raiders"?
Bernadette: Oh, no. That movie has melting faces. It reminds me too much of the time I dropped that vial of flesh-eating bacteria into the Rhesus monkey lab.
Penny: You know, Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn't just have to be about our lady parts.
Amy: Shame. Because I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.
Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon: That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, which I've never watched in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it's really scary.
Amy: (to Bernadette) What is the circumference of your areolas?
Penny: I think I'll pass, but you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard: I bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.
Penny: Hmm... yeah, no we wouldn't.
(Raj whispers something to Howard)
Howard: Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.
Amy: The internet suggests that slumber party guests often engage in harmless experimentation with lesbianism.
Bernadette: Where exactly on the internet have you been looking?
Penny: How does an archeology professor get that good with a whip?
Howard: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.
Sheldon: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don't!
Joey: Because I'm the petty functionary with a clipboard, bitch.
Wil Wheaton: Hey, look who's here! Hey, buddies!
Sheldon: Well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Jar-Jar Binks of the "Star Trek" universe.
Wil Wheaton: (imitating Jar-Jar Binks) Mee-sa think that very funny!
Amy: Oh good, a slumber party! We'll do makeovers, initiate phony phone calls, and have spirited pillow fights in our frilly nighties!
Leonard: Can we turn off the Sheldon Commentary ?
Bernadette: Penny and I are having a girls' night tonight.
Amy: Girls' night? What does that entail?
Bernadette: Oh, you know, girls get together, hang out, share girl talk.
Amy: I'm a girl.
Bernadette: Oh. Well, maybe you can join us. I'll ask Penny.
Amy: No need. Penny and I are very close... In fact, our menses are synchronized.
Howard: I see. Well, it's good to know, when I need you guys, I can always count on you to step up and ruin everything.
Sheldon: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?
Penny: I drink...
Penny: What are you doing here?
Sheldon: I have troubles, Penny. I've come to pour them out to the sympathetic ear of the local barkeep.
Penny: You know, they have a really nice bar over at the Olive Garden.
Sheldon: I don't like the Olive Garden. They treat me like family.
Raj: Sheldon, I want you to meet Neil deGrasse Tyson from the Hayden Planetarium in New York.
Sheldon: I'm quite familiar with Dr. Tyson. He's responsible for the demotion of Pluto from planetary status. I liked Pluto. Ergo, I do not like you.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: But I actually didn't demote Pluto. That was a vote of the International Astronomical Union.
Sheldon: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas. Think about that, Dr. Tyson.
(there's a knock at the apartment door)
Leonard: Want to get that?
Sheldon: Not particularly.
Leonard: Could you get that?
Sheldon: I suppose I *could* if I were asked.
Leonard: Would you please get that!
Sheldon: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?
Raj: Oh, there it is. Here comes a cavity search.
FBI Special Agent Angela Page: Excuse me?
Raj: Please don't send me back to India; it's so crowded! It's like the whole country is one endless Comic-Con, except everybody's wearing the same costume: Indian Guy.
FBI Special Agent Angela Page: Dr. Koothrappali, I'm not...
Raj: I love this country! The-the baseball, the freedom, the rampant morbid obesity! From California to the New York Island! I'm a real Yankee Doodle boy!
Sheldon: You say you're Special Agent Page, FBI.
FBI Special Agent Angela Page: Here's my I.D.
Sheldon: And here is my Justice League membership card. But that doesn't prove I know Batman.
Raj: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to speak to the FBI!
Leonard: Why not?
Raj: I'm brown and I talk funny.
Howard: They're just doing a background check on me.
Raj: It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive.
Leonard: Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally.
Raj: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?
Sheldon: I have been riddled with guilt, which is causing Gorn-infested REM sleep.
Leonard: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard: What does that have to with me and women?
Sheldon: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.
Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.
Sheldon: Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.
Howard: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
Sheldon: But you love that spot.
Howard: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.
Sheldon: Would you be interested in knowing that Mr. Wolowitz once snuck onto my World of Warcraft account and changed the name of a certain level-80 warlock from Sheldor to Smeldor?
Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, but your insistence on talking about your own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodents.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste!
Leonard: I'm an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, "Hello, Maker of the Universe. I see what you did there. Good one."
Sheldon: So you're saying my insomnia is caused by a guilty conscience.
Leonard: Actually, you don't have insomnia. You're sleeping now.
Sheldon: Excuse me?
Leonard: You're having a guilt-ridden dream.
Sheldon: Do you have any evidence to support that hypothesis?
Leonard: How about that Gorn sitting on the couch.
(the Gorn waves)
Sheldon: That seems fairly conclusive.
Howard: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
Sheldon: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
Penny: How long?
Leonard: Ninety-four seconds.
Leonard: What are you doing up?
Sheldon: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
Leonard: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.
Sheldon: Howard. The person at fault for you not getting a security clearance is me.
Howard: You?
Sheldon: Yes, but before you get upset, I want you to know I went to the FBI and retracted my statement.
Howard: And they were okay with that?
Sheldon: No. If anything, I made it worse.
Howard: (learning Leonard slept with Raj's sister Priya) I would never do that. Unlike him, I respect you.
Leonard: (skeptically) Really. Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj: (in outrage/disgust) Dude, I put that thing on my face!
Leonard: Can I have a snow cone?
Sheldon: Sure.
Leonard: This is pretty good. What flavor is this?
Sheldon: Guess.
Leonard: Papaya?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Guava?
Sheldon: You're so close.
Leonard: I give up.
Sheldon: Mango caterpillar.
(Leonard does a spit take and throws the snow cone in the garbage)
Sheldon: What are you doing!
(Leonard storms out)
Sheldon: You said you liked it.
Leonard: Okay fine, I'm, I'm a horrible human being. I'm the Darth Vader of Pasadena.
Sheldon: You're far too short to be Darth Vader. At best, you might be a turncoat Ewok.
Sheldon: The fun starts with brunch at Carney's in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we're off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that's right, the Hollywood Carney's, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.
Priya Koothrappali: I could never bring a white boy home to my parents. They'd have a cow - which is a much bigger deal in India.
Sheldon: (Describing the fake alibi he has invented for Leonard) You met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and heart full of dreams.
(Hands Leonard a bar napkin)
Leonard: (Reading handwriting on napkin) "Leonard, call me if you're interested in *coitus.* Sincerely, Maggie Mcgarry."
Sheldon: And if anyone were to actually call that number, they will hear this.
(plays recording)
Female text-to-speech electronic voice: Top of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGarry. Leave a message at the wee little beep.
Raj: My sister is much hotter than your girlfriend, and you know it.
Howard: Let's just agree they're both hot.
Raj: What - ? Dude, that's my sister you're talking about!
Leonard: I admit it, I... I may have crossed a line here, but come on, Raj, your sister is a grown woman. And to her, I'm a forbidden piece of white chocolate.
Raj: (standing up to leave) I don't believe it. This is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
Leonard: No, no, no. Would it... would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and she kind of stomped on it?
Raj: How hard did she stomp?
Leonard: Very hard.
Raj: (sitting down) Okay, I'm good.
Priya: Leonard, wake up.
Leonard: Huh? What? Uh, sorry.
Priya: For what?
Leonard: I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, it's my go-to response.
Howard: As long as we're talking about betraying our friends, how about the month Sheldon spent grinding up insects and mixing them into Leonard's food.
Sheldon: Well excuse me, that was not a betrayal. That was an experiment to determine at what concentration food start tasting "mothy".
Leonard: You put moths in my food?
Sheldon: For science.
Raj: I can't believe you kissed my sister with moth mouth.
Raj: You slept with my sister?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: How could you? We had a pact!
Raj: Excuse me, I think "How could you? She's my sister" takes precedence over a five year old pinkie swear.
Howard: This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten. It tastes like it's made of actual ground-up shoe maker.
Leonard: I'm sorry, Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.
Sheldon: Don't listen to him. He's still light-headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.
Raj: What were you doing with Priya?
Sheldon: (throwing it out there like it's no big deal) I believe they engaged in coitus.
Amy: I find the notion of romantic love to be an unnecessary cultural construct that adds no value to human relationships.
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler, that's the most pragmatic thing anyone has ever said to me.
(Amy and Sheldon are speaking to Amy's mother over a video computer connection on a laptop)
Mrs. Fowler: It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon: I assure you I am quite real. And I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Mrs. Fowler: (in a surprised tone) What?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
Mrs. Fowler: (scared) Amy, what is he saying?
Amy: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, mother. Well, here he is.
(Sheldon waves at the computer screen, while Mrs. Fowler nervously waves back)
Amy: Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
Sheldon: Oh yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
(Mrs. Fowler makes a little yelp as Sheldon closes the computer top)
Amy: Thank you, Sheldon; that went very well.
Sheldon: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.
(Amy stares at him blankly)
Sheldon: Bazinga.
(looks at his watch)
Sheldon: Bedtime. Please show yourself out.
Leonard: Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is like, the worst date of my life.
Howard: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on JDate, and that didn't even crack my top 10.
Amy: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
Sheldon: No misunderstanding. I've learned what that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Amy: In what way are you screwed?
Debbie Wolowitz: Howard, get the door!
Howard: Why can't you get it?
Debbie Wolowitz: You know I'm doing a bowel cleanse for my colonoscopy! I'm like an upside-down volcano here!
Joy: (belches) this lobster tastes good on the way up, and the way down
(laughs)
Sheldon: What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard: Um, recently? Not much.
Sheldon: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard: Um... shut up.
Leonard: Alright, well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon: Screwed.
Leonard: There you go.
Raj: You remind me of the funny old story about a man who walks into a women's correctional institution with a stack of paperwork that would allow the female convicts to go free.
Leonard: You're saying I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a handful of pardons.
Raj: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?
Leonard: Have you considered telling her how you feel?
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm a physicist, not a hippie.
Leonard: Hey, guys.
Howard: Hey.
Raj: Hey.
Sheldon: Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.
Leonard: So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from a self defense class?
Joy: Yeah, Israeli Krav Maga, lots of fun. Basically a hundred different ways to rip a guy's nuts off.
Leonard: Wow, didn't think there'd be that many.
Joy: (lunging her hand at him) Number forty-two!
Leonard: Whoa!
Bernadette: (laughing) Isn't she a pip?
Leonard: You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can't even speak to women.
Raj: Uh, two words: deaf chick. It doesn't matter if I can't talk because she can't hear me.
Leonard: What?
Raj: That's what she said.
Sheldon: You know, it just occurred to me: if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of then there's probably a Sheldon who doesn't believe parallel universes exist.
Leonard: Probably; what's your point?
Sheldon: No point. It's just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle.
Leonard: Well, I'm off to meet Bernadette's friend. How do I look?
Sheldon: As if one of the plants from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.
Leonard: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
Sheldon: No worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were "Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy."
Sheldon: Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: What does that mean?
Leonard: Well, you know how you're always saying that Amy is a girl who's your friend, and not your girlfriend?
Sheldon: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You can't say that anymore.
Sheldon: What?
Leonard: She obviously wants to take your relationship to the next level.
Leonard: I don't want the next level. I like this level. Fix it for me!
Leonard: Me? How am I supposed to fix it?
Sheldon: Simple! You want a girlfriend, Amy wants to be someone's girlfriend. Take her off my hands. I give you my blessing.
Amy: From a neurobiological standpoint, Leonard, you may be alone because your psychological state is causing an actual pheromone-based *stink* of desperation.
(Howard is asking Penny for help to get back together with Bernadette, but Penny first wants to know why they broke up)
Howard: It's embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.
Sheldon: (referring to an over sized desk) Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose!
Raj: Seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot on!
Sheldon: I see what's going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.
Raj: Thank you
Sheldon: Stand by for my upcoming tat!
Leonard: That's great news about you and Bernadette.
Howard: Yeah, I think I'm gonna take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Oh, I guess for you guys, that's like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes, really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me.
Leonard: And don't you forget it.
Raj: Why can't I buy my own desk?
Howard: Yeah, why can't he buy his own desk?
Sheldon: Because...
(long pause)
Raj: Because?
Sheldon: Because it's my office.
Bernadette: Howard, you did have a real woman. I was right there in the next room while you were clicking that troll's brains out.
Howard: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?
(Bernadette turns around. Howard dives under the table)
Bernadette: (as she walks by the table) Hi guys.
Leonard: Hey.
Sheldon: Hello.
(peers under the table)
Sheldon: I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj: It's one of his best moves.
Penny: It's passion fruit. New on the menu.
Bernadette: I know. I work here.
Bernadette: Howard, a girl doesn't go out with a man like you, with your looks, your fancy patter, and your tight hoochie pants if she isn't expecting him to eventually make the move.
Leonard: (Walking by Sheldon's office door) My God, what is that smell?
(Knocks on the door-Sheldon emerges wearing a gasmask)
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon: I'm making hydrogen sulfide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.
Raj: (Raj emerges from the office) That's not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India: an entire sub-continent where cows walk in the street and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
Sheldon: Well, we'll just see how long you can hold out.
Raj: Well, we'll just see how you noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple scented aromatherapy candles.
(Retreats into the office. Sheldon turns to Leonard and shakes his head)
Leonard: Didn't you say you're making hydrogen sulfide gas?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Isn't that flammable?
Sheldon: Highly.
(Leonard looks at him with raised eyebrows)
Sheldon: Oh, dear.
Raj: (There is a flash and a bang from inside the office. Leonard and Sheldon step back quickly. Raj emerges blackened and dishevelled with a parakeet in a cage) This is not over.
Katee Sackhoff: (to Howard while he's kissing Bernadette in the car) Now make the move.
George Takei: Uh-uh. Too soon.
Katee Sackhoff: Trust me, she's ready. Make the move.
George Takei: No, no, no. A lady wants to be wooed, courted slowly.
Katee Sackhoff: How would you know?
George Takei: I read.
Sheldon: Why on earth are you telling me all this?
Leonard: I don't know. Sometimes your movements are so lifelike, I forget you're not a real boy.
Howard: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.
Howard: Now, where were we?
Bernadette: I believe you were about to rip off my uniform with your teeth.
Howard: Bernadette? What are you doing here?
Bernadette: Well, if I had to guess I'd say I'm here because you saw me earlier this evening and you're still hung up on me.
Howard: No, I'm not.
Katee Sackhoff: Clearly you are. Otherwise, based on past experience, we'd be done by now.
Howard: Okay, I'm a little confused here.
George Takei: Oh my, can I help?
Howard: Not that kind of confused!
Bernadette: What's George Takei doing here?
Katee Sackhoff: Howard, do you have latent homosexual tendencies?
Howard: Of course not!
George Takei: So you say, yet here I am.
Raj: You said I could get a desk.
Sheldon: This isn't a desk! This is a... Brobdingnagian monstrosity!
Raj: Is that the American idiom for "giant big-ass desk"?
Sheldon: It's actually British.
Katee Sackhoff: Hello Howard, I've missed you.
Howard: I've missed you, Katee Sackhoff.
Katee Sackhoff: One question.
Howard: Anything.
Katee Sackhoff: Why am I wearing my Battlestar Galactica flight suit in bed?
Howard: Why are you in bed with me? If we start to question this, it all falls apart.
Katee Sackhoff: Sorry. Oh ravish me, Howard. My loins ache for you.
Howard: Okay, if you insist,
Mrs. Wolowitz: (shouting) Howard! Have you seen my girdle?
Howard: (shouting) No, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: (shouting) I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard: (shouting) Maybe it committed suicide! Leave me alone!
Mrs. Wolowitz: (shouting) Howard! I found my girdle! It was in the dryer!
Howard: (shouting) Great, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: (shouting) I think it shrunk! I'm spilling out like the Pillsbury Doughboy here!
Howard: (quietly to himself) And with that mental picture I think we're done for the evening.
Leonard: So Howard and Bernadette agreed to discuss it over coffee.
Sheldon: Quick question.
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Why are you telling me all this?
Leonard: I don't know. I guess your movements are so life-like I sometimes forget you're not a real boy.
Howard: I love watching Raj and Sheldon try to work together.
Leonard: Yeah, it's like if Alien and Predator decided to go partners in a Jamba Juice.
Raj: Has it occurred to you you're missing the big picture? If you look at neutron scattering data...
Sheldon: Oh, Penny? Penny?
Penny: What's up?
Sheldon: Nothing. I just wanted to make Raj stop talking.
Penny: Well, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays, and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard's lactose-intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Raj: You're so arrogant! If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance!
Sheldon: You're wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.
Katee Sackhoff: George, let me ask you something: how did you deal with being typecast as a science fiction icon?
George Takei: It's difficult. You try and stretch as an actor, do Strinberg, O'Neill, but all they want is "Course laid in, Captain."
Katee Sackhoff: Tell me about it. It's frakking frustrating.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon... I hear you broke up with Amy.
Sheldon: A breakup would imply she was my girlfriend. She was a girl who was my friend who is now a girl who is not my friend.
Penny: Wow. That's like the worst country song ever.
Amy: Your mother thinks you might be losing your mind over me. As a neurobiologist, I was curious.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist, like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist, like Clerk Maxwell or Dirac?
Amy: I'm stating it outright. Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clerk Maxwell.
Amy: Why is she not taking our order?
Sheldon: I should have warned you. One has to navigate a labyrinth of social nonsense before one can be fed here.
Amy: Really? I assumed an establishment called the Cheesecake Factory would function more efficiently.
Sheldon: It's how they lure you in. I believe it's called bait and switch
Amy: I'm curious as to why we're not eating alone.
Sheldon: They can't function without me. I'm the social glue that holds this little group together.
Penny: Hey Look, it's Shamy.
Amy: Shamy?
Sheldon: Juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon, Amy. Shamy.
Amy: Oh. I don't like that. Don't do that.
Penny: (laughing nervously) All righty. What's new?
Amy: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don't like that.
Penny: I got that. What I was going for was, you know, how is your life?
Amy: Just like everyone else's. Subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.
Raj: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard: (mocking) What do you do in the potty, wee-wee?
Raj: If I don't have to boom-boom.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk.
Sheldon: All right. But you're not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk it means you want me to listen.
Mary Cooper: Then stop talking.
Sheldon: Yes ma'am.
Amy: Absolutely not. My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the ordo cognoscendi. That means it's better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.
Sheldon: Cats make wonderful companions. They don't argue or question my intellectual authority...
Leonard: Cats, Sheldon. You're clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
Sheldon: Clowder.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
Leonard: Okay, yeah, fine.
Sheldon: It's the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.
Leonard: So, this is nice. First time we've all gotten together to eat.
Amy: (to Sheldon) You're right. He's a festival of humdrum chit-chat.
Leonard: Okay, that's all I got. Howard, you're up.
Howard: Um, tell us about your work, Amy.
Amy: I doubt you'd understand. Sheldon tells me you only have a master's degree.
Sheldon: In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
Leonard: Uh... a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don't know.
Sheldon: Leonard, be serious. We're playing a game here.
Leonard: I can figure this out, let's see. Um... well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon, so I'll say cinnamon.
Sheldon: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.
Leonard: What?
Amy: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded, thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?
Amy: I love cats. They're the epitome of indifference.
Mary Cooper: He thinks he's such a smarty pants. He's no different from any man. You tell 'em not to do something, that's all they want to do. If I hadn't told my brother Stumpy not to clear out the wood chipper by hand, we'd still be callin' him Edward.
Amy: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?
Sheldon: Uganda.
Amy: Defend.
Sheldon: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
Amy: Correct. My turn.
Sheldon: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play the "Maple Leaf Rag"?
Amy: Tuned bayonets.
Sheldon: Defend.
Amy: Isn't it obvious?
Sheldon: You're right. My apologies.
Leonard: What the hell are you guys playing?
Leonard: Amy is judgmental, sanctimonious, and frankly, just obnoxious.
Sheldon: So?
Leonard: So we already have you for all that.
Mary Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave 'em cute Jewish names.
Sheldon: What are you doing here?
Mary Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.
Sheldon: Oh, that's preposterous. I'm not pining over anyone.
Mary Cooper: Oh, lamb chop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it's creepy.
Amy: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. We'll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
Leonard: I'm going to my room.
Amy: Very good, Leonard. But next time, don't tell us where you're hiding.
Sheldon: I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I'm doing.
Amy: It's very impressive, for theoretical work.
Sheldon: Do I detect a hint of condescension?
Amy: I'm sorry. Was I being too subtle? I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology, theoretical physics is, what's the word I'm looking for? Hmm, cute.
Howard: Women, huh? Can't live with them, can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
Leonard: (sees Sheldon and Amy at the cafeteria) Oh no.
Howard: What?
Leonard: John and Yoko.
Howard: More like Yoko and Yoko.
Sheldon: Alright, fellas, who's in the mood for Fancy Feast?
(opens can and dumps it in a dish)
Sheldon: Well that's not fancy at all.
Penny: (about Raj) God, he's an ass when he drinks.
Howard: He's an ass when he doesn't. You just don't hear it.
Sheldon: This may seem a little odd at first, but over time, You'll grow accustomed to dealing with me in this configuration.
Penny: Yeah. To be honest, I don't see much difference.
Sheldon: I'm going to miss so much. A unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
Leonard: What's a dogapus?
Sheldon: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
Leonard: There's somebody working on that?
Sheldon: I was going to! I planned on giving it to myself on my three-hundredth birthday.
Leonard: Wait a minute, you *hate* dogs.
Sheldon: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.
Sheldon: At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
Leonard: At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon: An accident.
Leonard: Oh, that's how I'm gonna make it look.
Sheldon: (Sheldon steers his mobile presence device up to Penny) You're in my spot.
Penny: (Sheldon just fell down the stairs) Oh my god, are you okay?
Sheldon: I think so.
Penny: Let me help you up.
Sheldon: Thank you.
(Very loud fart)
Penny: Oh, Sheldon!
Sheldon: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
(Sheldon joins the others for dinner as his new "Shel-bot.")
Sheldon: Greetings, friends.
Leonard: Greetings, whatever-the-hell you are.
Penny: (to Raj and Howard) So, either one of you weirdos want to buy my underwear? only 1400 bucks.
(Raj and Howard giggle at first and then think about it)
(Sheldon has introduced his 'virtual presence device' to his friends)
Howard: (Raj whispers in his ear) Really? That's your question, "When did he put a ramp in"?
Penny: What's my share?
Leonard: 12 bucks.
Penny: Can I get it to you after Friday, when I get paid?
Leonard: Sure
Penny: What am I up to now?
Leonard: Well, okay, with the Indian food, the pizza, the Thai food, the tank of gas, the frozen yogurt, and your rent, a little over $1400.
(Raj whispers in Howard's ear and both giggle)
Penny: What now?
Howard: He's just expressing his admiration that you don't even have to put out to get free stuff.
Penny: It's not free. I'm going to pay him back.
Penny: (Raj whispers into Howard's ear again and both giggle) Shut up!
Sheldon: (Sheldon's virtual presence device has no arms) Leonard, my door.
Leonard: What about it?
Sheldon: Be a lamb and open it for me.
Leonard: (feigning ignorance) Why? What's the problem?
Sheldon: You think you have me stymied, don't you?
Leonard: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.
Leonard: How can you walk around with no money?
Penny: I'm cute, I get by.
Sheldon: Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
Raj: Oh, sure.
(Raj opens the door for Sheldon's virtual presence device)
Sheldon: (to Leonard) He's a lamb. You're not.
Raj: (proudly) I'm a lamb.
Penny: What up, Shelbot?
Sheldon: I can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
Penny: What do you want me to do?
Penny: Sing me 'Soft Kitty'.
Penny: Really? You want me to sing 'Soft Kitty' to a computer monitor?
Sheldon: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
Penny: (singing) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
Sheldon: Closer to the microphone.
Penny: Happy kitty, pretty ki...
Sheldon: No, you have to start over.
Penny: (singing) Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur
(Sheldon starts playing his recorder)
Penny: Happy kitty, pretty kitty, purr, purr, purr.
Sheldon: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Penny: Wait, cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
Sheldon: Correct.
Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
Sheldon: Essentially, yes.
Penny: OK, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?
Howard: (Raj whispers in Howard's ear) You're right. Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That's an excellent idea! If we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: (unenthused) No, it won't. Um... hey, how does he know I jog?
Howard: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
Penny: (disgusted) Oh, my god! That is so creepy!
Howard: (mimicking Penny's tone of voice) I know!
(Raj whispers in Howard's ear)
Howard: And he says he's not gonna stop.
(freaked out, Raj whispers in his ear again)
Howard: Yeah, well, then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon: I'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me.
Leonard: I am looking at you.
Sheldon: No, you're not. Pay *no* attention to that man in the bed.
Leonard: Whatcha doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?
Sheldon: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
Leonard: Yes.
(Sheldon gives a gasping derisive laugh)
Sheldon: What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
Leonard: A lot of people are working on that research.
Sheldon: You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak: Only 15th?
Sheldon: It's still 6 spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
Sheldon: One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple II. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
Steve Wozniak: Thanks. We were shooting for nifty. You know if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you.
Sheldon: Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes depending on how the buses are running.
Steve Wozniak: Nerds.
Howard: What do we owe you?
Leonard: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
Howard: (as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard) There you go.
Leonard: Thank you.
(Leonard looks at Penny who has a stunned look on her face)
Penny: What?
Leonard: Never mind, I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard: It's no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.
(Raj whispers in Howard's ear, and they start laughing)
Penny: What?
Howard: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.
Sheldon: Where's your heart rate monitor?
Penny: I don't have one.
Sheldon: What about you pedometer?
Penny: I don't have one.
Sheldon: Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Well, what do you do? Do you just go out there and gambol about like a bunny?
Penny: No. I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
Howard: (Raj just whispered something to him) You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon: That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: (unimpressed) No, it won't.
Howard: I say we just take him to Tatooine and sell him to some Jawas.
Raj: That's two, dude. Write your own jokes.
Sheldon: (Thinks he has appendicitis) So this is how it ends... with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: I do, and yet I'm doomed while you live on.
Leonard: Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Sheldon: Oh Lord, I think it's about to burst!
(Loud fart)
Sheldon: On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Good night.
(Sheldon goes back to his room)
Sheldon: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.
Penny: Have you ever run before?
Sheldon: Certainly. I've run from bullies, dogs, angry chickens, and one particularly persistent P.E. teacher determined to bend me over and give me a scoliosis test.
Howard: Oh, look. It's Leonard and R2-D-bag.
Raj: That's my joke; I told it last night. You can't just use it.
Howard: There you have it, gentlemen. Our entire dinner unpacked by robot.
Raj: And it only took 28 minutes.
(to get the robot arm off of Howard's junk, Leonard and Raj lead him into the emergency room)
Howard: Don't tug! No tugging.
Raj: Next time, take your own advice.
Sheldon: If Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with Petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigor. Is your womb available for rental?
Sheldon: (about Howard's robot arm) Impressive, but we must be cautious.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: Today, it's a Chinese food retrieval robot. Tomorrow, it travels back in time and tries to kill Sarah Connor.
Leonard: I don't think that's gonna happen, Sheldon.
Sheldon: No one ever does. That's why it happens.
Penny: Who's Amy?
Leonard: His girlfriend.
Penny: (blindsided by the news) Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend.
Penny: How long has this been going on?
Leonard: Four months.
Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend.
Penny: Are you telling me for the past four months, I have been asking you "What's new?" and you never thought to go with "Sheldon has a girlfriend"?
Sheldon: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of producing the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard: I'm guessing that future historians will comdemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.
Leonard: (his phone rings) Hey, Howard. What's going on? Wh... Wait, Howard, slow down. The robot hand is stuck to your what?
(aside, to Raj)
Leonard: You're not gonna believe this.
Howard: (using his robot arm to give himself a massage) Oh, yeah. Just like a real hand.
(he perks up, then turns and glances at the hand)
Howard: (getting an idea) Hmm...
Penny: (sighs) OK, you know what? I'm gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I'm going to tell your mother on you.
Sheldon: Well, that's no threat. My mother's always wanted a grandchild.
Penny: Really, your deeply religious, born again Christian mother wants a test tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
Sheldon: (stunned) Curses.
Penny: So, um, Amy, what about you? Do you date much?
Amy: Once a year. It's a deal I made with my mother in exchange for her silence on the matter, as well as the occasional use of her George Foreman Grill that seals in the flavor without the fat. How about you, Penny? Do you go on many dates?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I wouldn't say many. A few.
(Sheldon giggling)
Penny: What's?..
(Imitates his giggle)
Sheldon: Your characterization of approximately 171 different men as "a few".
Penny: What... Where did you get 171 men?
Sheldon: Simple extrapolation. In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two. During that time, I saw 17 different suitors. If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias, and postulate an initial dating age of 15...
Penny: Whoa, wait, wait, wait. I did not start dating at 15.
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Sixteen?
Penny: (Sheepishly) Fourteen.
Sheldon: My mistake. Now, assuming the left side of a bell curve peaking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men. Plus or minus eight men.
Amy: Remarkable. Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate. Oh. Based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before...
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
Sheldon: So we multiply 193... minus 21 men before the loss of virginity... so 172 times 0.18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners. Let's round that up to 31.
Penny: Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong. That is not even close to the real number. I'm gonna need a drink over here.
Amy: This is very interesting. Cultural perceptions are subjective. Penny, to your mind, are you a slut?
Penny: No! No!.. No. Let's just all finish our dinners, okay?
Sheldon: This is an interesting topic.
(to Amy)
Sheldon: How many sexual encounters have you had?
Amy: Does volunteering for a scientific experiment in which orgasm was achieved by electronically stimulating the pleasure centers of the brain count?
Sheldon: I should think so.
Amy: Then 128.
Penny: So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you're a Neuro... something or other?
Amy: Neurobiologist. Your "check engine" light is on.
Penny: Yeah, it's OK.
Amy: But the light indicates...
Sheldon: Don't, bother, I've wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.
Penny: Uh, what is that scent you're wearing? It smells great.
Amy: Dandruff Shampoo. I have dry scalp.
Penny: Ah, well your hair looks very nice.
Amy: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: No, No, I'm just, giving you a compliment.
Amy: Hm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.
Penny: Guys, how about some music?
Sheldon: Oh, I wouldn't care for that, Amy?
Amy: No, thank you.
Penny: OK. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Well, why don't you tell her?
Sheldon: Alright. It was hell.
Penny: Any follow up Amy?
Amy: No.
Penny: I, myself, grew up in Nebraska. Small town, outside of Omaha. Yeah, a nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?
Penny: I don't know, I was just trying something.
Sheldon: Muggles.
Howard: I loaded the wrong program. The hand thinks it's holding a screwdriver in outer space. If you continue the program, it's going to start twisting.
Penny: Ooh, what's that?
Howard: That, dear lady, is the Wolowitz Programmable Hand, designed for extravehicular repairs on the International Space Station.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard: Ask me to pass the soy sauce.
Penny: Oh, does that come up much on the space station?
Howard: Mostly with Asian and Jewish astronauts.
Penny: All right. Pass the soy sauce.
Howard: Coming up.
Leonard: (breaking the awkward silence as Howard types on his laptop) So, how's work?
Penny: Oh, it's not bad. Kinda hungry.
Leonard: Yeah, we all are.
Sheldon: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon: (to Leonard) I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?
Penny: (Howard demonstrates his robotic arm) That's amazing.
Sheldon: I wouldn't say amazing. At best, it's a modest leap forward from the basic technology that gave us Country Bear Jamboree.
Howard: Hey, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes?
(Howard types on his laptop; his robot arm swings around and extends its first two fingers)
Sheldon: Peace?
Howard: (intending something else) No, not peace. Hang on.
Raj: (skeptically) You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
Howard: (embarrassed about what he was really doing) Yes.
Raj: Penis first?
Howard: Yes. Now, help me!
Leonard: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that, as well.
Sheldon: (knocking on Penny's door) Penny. Penny. Penny.
Penny: You do realize I stand on the other side of the door waiting for you to finish knocking three times.
Sheldon: I know. I can see the shadow of your feet under the door.
Penny: Yeah, my point is it's a waste of time.
Sheldon: If you're looking for an example of a waste of time, I would refer you to the conversation we're having right now.
Penny: Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon: She's not my girlfriend.
Penny: Ah... d-d-d-d... How did they meet?
Howard: Raj and I entered Sheldon's information on a dating site, and it spit out Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, my God! Sheldon and Amy.
Howard: Or, as we call them, "Shamy".
Penny: Shamy. I am so digging the Shamy!
Sheldon: All right, everyone pay attention. Yes, I have a friend named Amy Farrah Fowler. Yes, she is female. Yes, we communicate on a daily basis, but no, she is not my girlfriend.
Penny: Okay, well, what do you communicate about?
Sheldon: Well, my work in physics, her work in neurobiology, and most recently, the possibility of our having a child together.
(taking a drink of water, Penny spits it out in surprise, and Howard uses his robot arm to pass her a napkin)
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: Excuse me, could you help us out?
Nurse Althea: (seeing Howard with the robot arm on his junk) My, my, my. What do we have here?
Howard: I slipped and fell.
Nurse Althea: Yeah, we get that a lot.
Nurse Althea: What is this?
Howard: It's a robot arm.
Nurse Althea: Where's the rest of the robot?
Howard: I just built the arm.
Nurse Althea: Because that's all you needed, right?
Penny: You don't even like people touching you. How are you gonna have sex?
Sheldon: Why on earth would we have sex?
Penny: Oh, honey, did your mom not have the talk with you? You know, when your private parts started growing?
Sheldon: I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon: Yes, exactly.
Penny: (about Howard's robot arm) Does NASA know you're using that thing as a napkin holder?
Howard: You kidding? They still think it's in a secure locker at JPL.
Penny: You stole it?
Howard: Borrowed. The trick is to carry it out to your car like you own it.
Penny: Your hair smells nice. What fragrance are you using?
Amy: Dandruff shampoo. I have a dry scalp.
Penny: Well, your hair looks nice.
Amy: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: Um, no. Just paying you a compliment.
Amy: I would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.
Sheldon: Amy's at the dry cleaner and she's made a very amusing pun, "I don't care for perchloroethylene and I don't like glycol ether.""
Sheldon: I've decided to take your advice and have arranged to go on a date with Amy Farrah Fowler.
Penny: Oh, that's great. Have fun.
Sheldon: Wait. You have to drive me.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You know I don't drive.
Penny: Well, go ask Leonard.
Sheldon: I did. He said, and I quote, "Ask Penny. It was her cockamamy idea."
Penny: Leonard said "cockamamy"?
Sheldon: Actually, I'm paraphrasing. Having been raised in a Christian household, I'm uncomfortable with the language he used. And to be honest, I'm not entirely comfortable with "cockamamy".
Penny: Okay, fine. When's the date?
Sheldon: Now.
Penny: Now?
Sheldon: Hurry. We're going to be late.
Penny: Sheldon, did it ever occur to you that I might have other plans?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Do you have other plans?
Penny: Well, no, not per se, but...
Sheldon: So this conversation is as pointless as your door-knocking soliloquy?
Penny: Let me get my... cockamamy keys.
Raj: There's something I've always wondered about Aquaman... Where does he poop?.. What would a toilet look like in Atlantis? How would you flush it? And when you did flush it, where would the poop go?
Nurse Althea: I need a orderly with a wheelchair. I got a robot hand grasping a man's penis out here.
Howard: You think you could you be a little more discreet?
Nurse Althea: I'm sorry, we don't have a code for "robot hand grasping a man's penis".
Raj: Holy crap!
Howard: What?
Raj: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us!
Howard: Excuse me?
Raj: The dating site matched a woman with *Sheldon*.
Howard: You're kidding, an actual woman?
Raj: Yeah, look... breasts and everything.
Howard: Trust me, breasts doesn't necessarily mean woman.
Raj: Since when?
Howard: I'll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime.
(shudders)
Howard: Leonard, you gotta see this! We found a match for Sheldon!
Leonard: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a "How do you dooo?"
Raj: Do you know what he's talking about?
Howard: Nope. Why don't you ask him?
Raj: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard: I don't wanna talk about it.
Raj: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard: Whatever.
(grabs the laptop from Raj)
Howard: Right now, Doctor Sheldon Cooper has to send an email to his perfect match.
(starts typing)
Howard: "Greetings fellow life form..."
Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard!
Leonard: Are you drunk?
Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy and then you *ruined* him!
Leonard: How did I ruin him?
Penny: 'Cause in the olden days I never would have known he was so stupid.
Leonard: Come on, he wasn't that stupid.
Penny: Yes he *was*! He thought you were going to blow up the *moon*!
Leonard: Okay, yeah, he's stupid
(laughs)
Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how *he* invented the word appeteezers!
Leonard: (still laughing) Well, how is that my fault?
Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots, now come with me.
(grabs Leonard's hand and starts pulling him behind her)
Leonard: W-where are we going?
Penny: (shouts) We're gonna have *SEX*!
Leonard: Wha- I mean oh, OK.
Sheldon: (comes out of his bedroom) What's going on?
Penny: Put on your noise cancelling headphones, this is gonna get *loud*.
Sheldon: Ach, not *this* again.
(goes back into his room)
Leonard: Where's Penny?
Sheldon: She returned to her apartment. I presume to shower and vomit, not necessarily in that order.
Leonard: I wonder why she didn't say goodbye.
Sheldon: Are you expecting me to offer an explanation of human behavior?
Leonard: I know. I just thought as an outsider, you might be able to provide a fresh perspective.
Raj: Uh oh. She wants to meet us.
Howard: Not us. Him!
Raj: Yes, but, him doesn't even know about her.
Howard: Well um, him about to find out about her.
Raj: Really? Us gonna tell him?
Sheldon: In what universe is this low pulp?
Sheldon: In what universe is that lightly toasted?
Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard.
Leonard: I was a perfectly happy, geeky, li'l lonely guy and you've ruined me.
Penny: Are you drunk?
Leonard: C'mon, we're going to have sex and it's not going to mean a thing.
(he enters her apartment but she shoves him back out)
Penny: Are you out of your mind!
(she slams the door)
Leonard: Really starting to think there's a double standard here.
Sheldon: I have no difficulty believing you're not butter.
Zack: That's your big experiment? All that for a line on a screen?
Leonard: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
Zack: What species is that?
Sheldon: I was wrong. Penny can do better.
Raj: I'm telling you, dude, the only way to feel better about Penny going out with other guys is for you to get back on the whores.
Howard: Horse.
Raj: What?
Howard: The phrase is get back on the horse. Not 'whores'.
Raj: That's disgusting, dude.
Howard: No, it's not... de, uh, never mind.
Raj: Sheldon, I've hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you're willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there... forever.
Sheldon: You're bluffing.
Raj: Are you willing to risk it?
Sheldon: Curse you.
Howard: Billions of dollars have gone into inventing the Internet and filling it with pictures of naked women so we don't have to peep through windows.
Penny: Look, I'm sorry. I was drunk. I was lonely. I hated Zack. Can we just forget it ever happened?
Leonard: No, it's pretty well imprinted on my brain. Especially the whole rodeo thing.
Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won't blow up?
Leonard: The laser?
Zack: The moon!
Sheldon: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard: That's a great question, Zack!
Sheldon: No, it's not!
Penny: Sheldon, play nice.
Sheldon: Well, it's not a great question! How could someone possibly think we're going to blow up the moon? That's a great question.
Leonard: (to Zack) Don't worry about the moon. We... , we set our laser to stun.
Sheldon: In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?
(makes a face)
Raj: You don't know we're wrong yet.
Sheldon: Haughty derision it is.
(makes the same face again)
Amy: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon: Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy: Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
Sheldon: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy: Tepid water, please.
(Sheldon and Amy walk over to the counter)
Howard: (to Raj) Good God, what have we done?
(Howard and Raj are trying to convince Sheldon to meet Amy)
Howard: Come on, where's your scientific curiosity?
Sheldon: Well, most of it is being applied to unraveling secrets of the universe, while the rest of it's wondering why I'm having this conversation with you.
Raj: Howard wanted to write "mumbo jumbo," but I said no, our Sheldon would say "hokum."
Sheldon: Leonard. Leonard. What is that? What is that?
Leonard: Relax, it's just a dirty sock.
Sheldon: How on earth can you can say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?
Leonard: Now, we'll be able to see the beam when it leaves, but it won't be strong enough when it comes back to be seen with the naked eye.
Zack: (looking at Penny) Naked.
(laughs)
Sheldon: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.
Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: As a native Texan, I must say I've never heard the phrase 'yeeehaw' used in quite that context.
Penny: Oh God!
(she leaves)
Sheldon: Oh, God. That I've heard on multiple occasions.
Zack: Is that the laser? Bitchin'.
Sheldon: Yes, in 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.
Sheldon: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one.
Leonard: (yelling after Penny) How am I supposed to let it go? You used me for *sex*!
(sees downstairs neighbor in her doorway)
Leonard: Morning, Mrs. Gunderson.
Mrs. Gunderson: Good morning, Leonard, or should I say 'Yee-haw'?
Sheldon: But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard: Why?
Sheldon: What's life without whimsy.
Leonard: OK, we've got power to the laser.
Sheldon: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard: What for? It's not going to rain.
Sheldon: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.
Howard: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon: One of my best, don't you think?
Leonard: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.
Raj: Do you have an opinion about everything?
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: You just assume you're always right?
Sheldon: It's not an assumption.
Leonard: Go to hell and set their thermostat!
Sheldon: I don't have to go to hell. It's 73 degrees, I'm there already.
Sheldon: We agree to reserve Friday nights to watch Joss Whedon's brilliant new show Firefly.
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon: We might as well settle it now. It's going to be on for years.
Sheldon: In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, reestablishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?
Leonard: Uh, I'm gonna go with... preserving the knowledge.
Sheldon: That's correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating.
Sheldon: Yes?
Leonard: I'm Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment and you said to come by...
Sheldon: I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: You said you were a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: Radon?
Sheldon: Are you asking me or telling me?
Leonard: Telling you?
(Sheldon glares at him)
Leonard: Telling you.
Sheldon: All right. Next question. Kirk or Picard?
Leonard: That's tricky... Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Sheldon: Correct. You have passed the first barrier to roommatehood. You may enter.
Leonard: So, I did something stupid. I'm sure you did stupid things when you were younger. What were you doing seven years ago?
Penny: Excuse me, I was in high school, studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community...
(Cut to Penny seven years ago, sitting with her boyfriend looking at a pregnancy kit)
Penny: Not pregnant! Yes!
(They high-five)
Leonard: (Flashback) Hi. Excuse me. I'm looking for Sheldon Cooper's apartment.
Sebastian: Oh. I bet you're here to check out the room for rent.
Leonard: Yeah.
Sebastian: Run away dude.
Leonard: What?
Sebastian: Run fast, run far.
Leonard: (Present day) That should have been my first clue.
Sheldon: Have a seat.
Leonard: Okay.
Sheldon: No, that's where I sit.
Leonard: What's the difference?
Sheldon: This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and the cross-breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle, allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I've placed it in a state of eternal dibs.
Leonard: According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
Sheldon: But you didn't notify me by e-mail first, so it's still a breach.
Leonard: I did notify you.
Sheldon: Oh, you did, did you?
(Checks his Palm Pilot)
Sheldon: Drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.
Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?
Sheldon: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled "This is funny."
Sheldon: If either of us invent time travel, we agree that our first stop will be this meeting five seconds from now.
(Looks around)
Sheldon: Well, that was disappointing.
Sheldon: When do you evacuate your bowels?
Leonard: When I have to.
Sheldon: When you have to? I'm sorry, I don't rent to hippies.
(to get away from Sheldon, Leonard, Raj, and Howard are getting ready to go to Howard's house)
Sheldon: Wait, let me get my jacket.
Howard: You're not going with us.
Sheldon: Why?
Raj: You're the guy we're trying to get away from.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, in that case, I don't need my jacket. And for the record, the correct syntax is "I'm the guy from whom you're trying to get away."
Sheldon: Do you have a vehicle?
Leonard: A car, yes.
Sheldon: And you'd be willing to drive me?
Leonard: Can't you drive?
Sheldon: I can. I choose not to.
Louie: (Flashback)
(a large, black man in a dress)
Louie: Yeah?
Leonard: Dr. Cooper?
Louie: No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
Leonard: (Present day) In retrospect, that was clue number two.
Sheldon: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favorite Linux-based operating system!
Leonard: Actually, I couldn't get too mad at him about Joyce Kim.
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Well, I was doing some government research at the time, you know, military rocket fuel. It was kind of secret.
Penny: What does that have to do with Joyce Kim?
Leonard: As it turns out, she was a North Korean spy. Luckily, Sheldon drove her out before I revealed anything important.
Sheldon: That's not an apology; that's simply an acknowledgement that I was right!
Leonard: Okay, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: There you go.
Sheldon: What are you sitting on?
Howard: I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushie. It's a joke.
Leonard: Not a good idea.
Raj: Tushie is buttocks, right?
Howard: Right.
Raj: Hilarious!
Howard: I have a two-part question.
Sheldon: Go ahead.
Howard: A: Are you kidding me? and B: Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
Sheldon: A: I rarely kid and B: When I do kid, you'll know it by my use of the word "Bazinga".
Howard: So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
Sheldon: Yes... Bazinga.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Would you be a dear and get me a cup of coffee?
Leonard: Sure, black, right?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: (turns and looks at Raj) Actually, now I think I want it hot, brown, and sweet.
(Raj takes a swig from his flask)
Sheldon: Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st Century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st Century. So pay attention; years from now my biographer might ask you about this event.
Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.
Penny: You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard: Well, now...
Sheldon: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
Sheldon: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard: Well.
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Come on. It wasn't my fault.
Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Can I ask you a question about your roommate?
Sheldon: He's an odd duck, isn't he?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's his relationship status?
Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common except for carnal activity. That's why I acquired these noise-cancelling headphones.
Penny: You're having a woman stay with you?
Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
Penny: Oh, no no no no no, I'm not flabbergasted. I'm... puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Nice to finally meet you in person.
Sheldon: I would imagine it is. This is my friend and roommate, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Penny, this is Dr. Plimpton, a leading expert on quantum cosmology. Dr. Plimpton, Penny is a waitress who doesn't understand the role gasoline plays in the internal combustion engine.
Sheldon: (in the bathroom) Pee for Houston, pee for Austin / Pee for the state my heart got lost in.
(pause)
Sheldon: And shake twice for Texas.
Leonard: Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.
Penny: You mean you and Doctor Slut-bunny?
Leonard: Yeah, I wanted to explain.
Penny: You don't owe me an explanation.
Leonard: I don't?
Penny: No, you don't.
Leonard: So, you're not judging me?
Penny: Oh, I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don't owe me an explanation.
Leonard: Nevertheless, I'd like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did.
Penny: I'm listening.
Leonard: (very long pause) She let me.
(Elizabeth knocks on door)
Leonard: Yes?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I saw your light on.
Leonard: Is everything all right?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Yeah, I just couldn't sleep.
Leonard: Me neither. Look what I'm reading.
(Points to her picture on the back of the book)
Leonard: It's you.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I thought you already read it.
Leonard: I did. But it's been a while, and I wanted to sound smart over breakfast.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Aw, you're smart!
Leonard: Oh, good. I wasn't sure it was coming across.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What chapter are you on?
Leonard: Uh, six.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Ah. The extragalactic distance ladder. Want to know a little secret?
Leonard: Sure.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I wrote the section on the Wilson-Bappu Effect completely naked.
Leonard: Really? Sure doesn't read that way.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Here, let me show you.
(Removes her robe as she speaks revealing she is naked)
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: When we consider the brightness of pulsating variable stars we start to see a possible explanation for some of the discrepancies found in Hubble's constant.
Leonard: Wow. You really make science come alive.
Raj: (sneezes as he reaches the lunch table)
Sheldon: (stops Raj from sitting down) Hold!
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.
Raj: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Do you have allergies?
Raj: No
Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?
Raj: I don't put pepper on salad.
Sheldon: I heard enough.
(Motions to the table behind him)
Sheldon: Sit over there.
Raj: Come on, I don't want to sit by myself.
Sheldon: That's what Typhoid Mary said and clearly, her friends buckled.
Raj: (to Leonard and Howard) Guys, help me.
Howard: Sheldon, come on.
Leonard: Yeah, it's just one sneeze.
(Raj sneezes again)
Leonard: You're on your own.
Howard: See you, buddy.
Leonard: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon: She doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.
Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.
Leonard: Are you having trouble sleeping? Because... boy... I was up all night.
Raj: Did you get a cold, too?
Leonard: No, but I was awake all night.
Howard: If you want I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills.
Raj: She won't notice them missing?
Howard: She doesn't know she takes them.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that I'd written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn't confuse it with what I'd written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. 'Cause if I tried to go there, I'd be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Oh, good, Leonard's here.
Raj: (astounded) Good?
Leonard: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men, and Raj is my new landlord, and I don't have enough money to pay any of you.
Leonard: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum!
Raj: OK, Show of hands, who's up for this?
(Only Howard raises his hand)
Leonard: We'll all be in naked in front of each other.
Howard: I'm out.
Raj: (after tricking Howard and Leonard into leaving, Raj locks the door and turns to Dr. Plimpton) So, you say you can't pay your rent.
Sheldon: Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement this is your twenty-four hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say "non-related female", you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and one day cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Leonard: Uh, well, who wants to stay in a hotel, with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I'm so glad you understand.
Sheldon: No, he doesn't understand; *I* understand.
Leonard: Well, I understand too.
Sheldon: You're just misappropriating my understanding.
Sheldon: Vocal test, morning vocal test.
(Clears throat)
Sheldon: Second vocal test, second morning vocal test.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: You two figure out the details; I'm going to go change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh!
(she goes into another room, closing the door behind her)
Howard: What the frack?
Raj: Go away! She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli!
(pause)
Raj: Besides, you have a girlfriend!
Howard: We broke up weeks ago!
Raj: Why didn't you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time! This is the right time!
Sheldon: In here, you'll find emergency provisions: an eight day supply of food and water, a crossbow, Season Two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
Sheldon: Then there's really no reason to live, is there?
Leonard: Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton. I am a huge fan of hers.
Sheldon: I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you are a fan of. But, very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.
Sheldon: Elizabeth, Leonard's bathroom time is coming up and believe me, you do not want to follow him.
Sheldon: Dr. Plimpton, I'd like you to meet my colleagues, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali, and not-a-doctor Howard Wolowitz.
Howard: (Raj takes a swig from his flask) What are you doing?
Raj: Relax, it's Nyquil.
Leonard: You still have a cold?
Raj: Maybe, but I don't care. The good thing about Nyquil, it's like 10% booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine.
Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?
Penny: What? What are you doing with...? What?
Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.
Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?
Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.
Sheldon: (Coming into the apartment lobby) Uh oh.
Penny: (Standing by the mail boxes) What?
Sheldon: (Still at the doors) I was going to get my mail.
Penny: Okay.
(Sheldon doesn't move)
Penny: Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
Sheldon: I think you mean telekenitically. And no.
(Moves to the mail boxes)
Sheldon: I just wasn't sure of the protocol now that you an Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Penny: God, can we please just say "No longer seeing each other"?
Sheldon: Well, we could if it were true, but as you live in the same building you see each other all the time. The variable which has changed... is the coitus.
Penny: Okay, here's the protocol: You and I are still friends and you stop saying "coitus".
Sheldon: Well... then as my meemaw would say: "Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon."
Leonard: When you say "seeing Penny", what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon: We had dinner last night. She made spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in the sauce. Well, little hot dog. I had to give the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hellhound. Tangential to the main story. Let me backtrack.
Raj: Do you think the elastic woman in The Incredibles needs to use birth control or can she just be a diaphragm?
Howard: Well, that's it. We're officially out of things to talk about.
Leonard: Why did you eat dinner with us?
Sheldon: I didn't want you guys to feel bad. Howard had informed me that my allegiance be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard: Are you sure he didn't say bros before hos?
Sheldon: Well, I changed the phrasing so as not to offend the hos.
Penny: How's Leonard doing?
Sheldon: He seems alright, although he does spend a disturbing amount of time looking at photographs of you and smelling the pillow you slept on. Although, now that I think of it, he asked me not to tell you that.
Raj: Here's a question, Howard. Don't you think you're going to Hell for eating sweet-and-sour pork?
Howard: Jews don't have Hell. We have acid reflux.
Leonard: What about you, Raj?
Raj: Oh, so now that you have no choice you want to hang out with me?
Leonard: Raj, we always hang out.
Raj: Oh, please. You know I'm the one you call when no one else will. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
Howard: I wish you were Aquaman. Then you could retrieve my mother from the old lady tank.
Sheldon: Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying "coitus" with everyone or just you?
Penny: Everyone.
Sheldon: Harsh terms, but alright. I'll just substitute "intercourse"
Penny: (sarcastic) Great.
Sheldon: or "fornication". But that has judgemental overtones, so I'll hold that in reserve.
Penny: So, how you been?
Sheldon: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny: You're just coitusing with me, aren't you?
Sheldon: Bazinga!
Raj: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah?
Raj: I haven't had sex in a year.
Leonard: Where are you going with this, Raj?
Raj: Don't flatter yourself, dude.
Sheldon: I'm also pleased to report that he's all cried out over you.
Penny: He's been crying?
Sheldon: Oh, I believe that was something else I wasn't supposed to mention.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny,
(knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny.
(Sheldon is holding up one hot dog)
Sheldon: Here. I had to trade the others for my life.
Leonard: Tell me why you woke me up or I swear to God I will kill you.
Sheldon: Do you really think death threats are an appropriate way to begin this conversation? Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.
Howard: The point is, you have to take sides. Are you on Team Penny or Team Leonard?
Sheldon: Which team picks last?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: In high school, I was always in the team that picks last, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair.
Raj: Sure, he's over it. That's why he's been trying to invent that memory wiping device from "Men in Black".
Sheldon: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard: So would Ben Affleck.
Penny: He's such an angel when he's asleep.
Leonard: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
Penny: I think we can do it.
Leonard: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong?
Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
Leonard: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
Penny: Good. I'm glad.
Leonard: Here's an idea. I'm just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard: Good night.
Sheldon: (last line; while sleeping, calmly) No Goofy. No.
Penny: (checking her mail) Oh, damn. They canceled my Visa.
(flips to the next envelope)
Penny: Oh, yay! A new MasterCard!
Sheldon: I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.
Raj: Do you think she's really doing that, or is it Photoshopped?
Leonard: I don't think Martha Stewart was ever naked with a bunch of fat Japanese guys.
Raj: You don't know that. Prison changes people.
Leonard: Whatever you do, don't let him near Goofy. He'll have nightmares and I'll be the one having to deal with it.
Penny: What's his problem with Goofy?
Leonard: You got me. He's fine with Pluto.
Penny: Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
Leonard: No, no, I'm good. If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
(chuckles)
Penny: Do or do not. There is no try.
Leonard: Did you just quote Star Wars?
Penny: I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Leonard: Oh, my God. I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
(they kiss)
Leonard: I love you, Penny.
Penny: (pause) Oh. Oh. Thank you.
Leonard: You're welcome. I just wanted to put that out there.
Penny: Oh, yeah, no, I, I'm, I'm glad.
Leonard: Good. Good; glad is good.
Penny: Yeah. Ahem. No, no. Um. So, it's getting pretty late. We should probably go to sleep.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Hmm.
Leonard: Yeah, probably.
Penny: OK. Good night, sweetie.
Leonard: Good night.
(They kiss, then Penny rolls over and stares wide-eyed)
Sheldon: Be the ball, Howard.
Howard: Leave me alone, Sheldon.
(trying for a 7-10 split, Howard misses the pins)
Sheldon: You weren't the ball.
Leonard: Could we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?
Howard: Okay, how about this for a topic: Why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.
Sheldon: Of course they are. Leonard's being one.
Sheldon: (as Wil picks up a spare) A common spare; the Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it's really done.
(picks up ball)
Sheldon: I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes.
Raj: Beer. The magic elixir that can turn this poor, shy Indian boy into the life of the party.
Stuart: (on the phone) I'm telling you the Match.com chicks are much looser than on eHarmony. Uh, now I, I gotta call you back. I won a bet and it's time to collect.
(Howard, Sheldon, Leonard and Raj enter the comic store dressed as Batgirl, Wonder Woman, Supergirl, and Catwoman)
Raj: I don't know about you, but I feel empowered.
Howard: I thought you were bringing your own bowling shoes.
Sheldon: These are my own bowling shoes.
Howard: Then what's with the disinfectant?
Sheldon: I know where my feet have been.
Sheldon: Penny, reminder. Bowling, tonight at seven o'clock.
Penny: Oh, right. Bowling.
Leonard: Uh, you don't have to come if you don't want to.
Penny: No, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon: We would indeed. In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: Always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly-veiled contempt.
Sheldon: Remember: seven o'clock!
Penny: Got it!
Sheldon: Pacific Daylight Time.
Penny: Bite me!
Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider Man. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.
Sheldon: You did this, didn't you?
Wil Wheaton: You think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?
Sheldon: No, I suppose not.
Wil Wheaton: Good. Keep thinking that.
Sheldon: (under his breath) Wheaton!
Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your momma! Unless of course she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh. Ouch.
Sheldon: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.
Sheldon: This is for you.
Penny: Ice cream?
Sheldon: I've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she's upset, she says "Ack!" and eats ice cream.
Penny: Uuum... Ack!
Sheldon: If you were a cat, I would've brought you a lasagna.
Raj: Ah, the premature "I love you."
Howard: I guessed premature. Does that count?
Sheldon: I so loathe you.
Wil Wheaton: That's right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.
Sheldon: That's not even from your franchise!
Penny: Leonard, stop pressuring me.
Leonard: I'm not pressuring you.
Penny: Yeah, you are! Just back off!
Leonard: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
Penny: I didn't mean shut up.
Leonard: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.
Penny: No. That isn't fair to you, Leonard. I'm sorry.
(she heads for the door)
Sheldon: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I'll get you ice cream!
Leonard: No, let her go.
Sheldon: Are you insane? If she leaves, it's over!
Leonard: I'm pretty sure it's already over.
Leonard: Maybe I'm a little ahead of you. That's fine. In fact, it makes sense, 'cause let's face it, I've been in this relationship 2 years longer than you.
Wil Wheaton: You're not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?
Sheldon: I'm the proud owner of wilwheatonstinks.com, .net and .org. What does that tell you?
Wil Wheaton: It tells me that I am living rent-free right here.
(Points at Sheldon's head)
Howard: What did you do, Romeo? Did you pour maple syrup all over your body and ask her if she was in the mood for a short stack?
Wil Wheaton: After you.
Sheldon: No, after you. As we are currently crushing you, Wesley.
Wil Wheaton: It's customary for the player on the right lane to bowl first.
Sheldon: All right.
(as Sheldon prepares to bowl, Wil bowls his own ball; Wil gets a spare, while Sheldon throws a gutter ball)
Wil Wheaton: (Sheldon stares at him, offended) It's a custom, not a rule.
Leonard: So, Sheldon. How ya doing?
Sheldon: That's how you start a psychotherapy session. How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my baloney at Ralph's.
Raj: Okay, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet you can't speak to women.
Raj: But thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, ahem, close your eyes.
Sheldon: Okay, but don't punch me... When I was little my sister would say: "Close your eyes, you'll get a surprise." And then she'd punch me.
Raj: I'm not going to punch you.
Sheldon: That's what my sister used to say.
Raj: OK, in Avatar when they have sex on Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Raj: So, when they ride horses and fly on their birds, they also use their ponytails.
Howard: What's your point?
Raj: My point is if I were a horse or a bird I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.
Sheldon: Penny, Leonard, would you be able to answer some questions I'm having about the events of last night?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Question 1: Where are my pants?
Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems.
Leonard: Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.
Howard: (to himself) Where's 70 children when you need them?
Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honors.
Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.
Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast feeding co-dependently.
Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."
Sheldon: I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.
Sheldon: I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
Howard: What to you is a large crowd?
Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.
Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny: It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt, and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Sheldon: Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny: Yep, that's when I buy shoes.
Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can't run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror!
(Door slams)
Sheldon: Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.
Raj: OK, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet you can't speak to women.
Raj: True, but thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.
Penny: So, whadda ya say, Sheldon, are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No, the X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.
Sheldon: Problem.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.
Howard: No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
Raj: Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.
Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Leonard: Um; I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
Leonard: How did you know you were a giant, if everything was to scale?
Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.
Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the Administration Office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.
Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again. I'm the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening *fraud* are they honoring this year?
Leonard: Well, I'm so glad you asked it like that: You.
Sheldon: (watching his speech on Youtube) Oh, Lord! This couldn't be any more humiliating.
Leonard: Aah, give it a minute.
Sheldon: (on Youtube) Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.
Sheldon: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!
Sheldon: Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolising oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide!
Sheldon: Where's the ring?
Leonard: It's in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.
Raj: The fires of Mount Doom?
Sheldon: (Takes the ring) Mine!
Leonard: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.
Sheldon: Yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.
Leonard: How is this maritime salvage?
Sheldon: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?
Raj: Look, let's be reasonable. We all want to do different things with the ring, but your ideas are stupid, and I want a jetski.
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, the first piece of jewelry my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie and I don't even get to keep it?
Howard: If you had gone out with me three years ago, by now you'd have my great-aunt Ida's brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat.
Leonard: How am I looking now?
Leonard: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?
Sheldon: Well it's very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I am the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the loveable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
Leonard: One more floor and I'd be the pulled muscle.
Sheldon: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two and a half hours on hold with Hewlett Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.
Leonard: You want to talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of "Sex and the City".
Raj: There's six seasons, dude.
Leonard: Aw, crap!
Sheldon: (Penny hits Sheldon when he tried to get the ring from her neck in her sleep) You hit me! I'm bleeding!
Leonard: What was that?
Penny: Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
Leonard: That's my girl.
Sheldon: (Leonard refuses to let Sheldon have the ring) I don't understand why, in this group, I never get my way.
(Leonard does a double take, unable to believe what he just heard)
Leonard: You *always* get your way!
Sheldon: I'll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.
Howard: So, Sheldon. How's it feel to be beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to re-absorb her. Then I'd have a mole with hair in it, instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.
Howard: Look at the markings inside. Those are production markings. nine rings were made for use in the Lord of the Rings movies; three were given to members of the cast; the rest were destroyed. Except one. One was stolen. Gentlemen, this *is* the One Ring.
Sheldon: Give us the precious.
Leonard: Never!
Sheldon: (they fight) Give it to me!
Leonard: Get off of me!
Sheldon: Give me the ring!
Sheldon: It's mine!
Penny: OK. I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Sheldon: Give it to me! I said give it to me!
Leonard: Mi-i-i-i-i-ne!
Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon: "Who's Adam West"? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?
Sheldon: If you're suggesting that that is the actual Ring of Power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever-so-slight amusement.
Penny: Okay, I'm just going to go home and make a grilled cheese and window-shop on eHarmony.
Sheldon: We can't sell it. We have to keep it and love it and polish it and only take it out occasionally when we go to the park and re-enact our favorite scenes form the movies.
Howard: It's sad how great that sounds.
(Dream Sequence: Raj, Howard and Sheldon are sleeping. Raj lets go of the ring to snuggle up against Howard. Sheldon wakes up to discover he is still holding onto the ring)
Sheldon: (surprised and triumphant) I did it. The ring is mine. I've done it!
(rushes off to the bathroom with the ring in his hand)
Sheldon: (shouts triumphantly) The ring is mine! IT'S MINE!
(Sheldon enters the bathroom, turns on the sink and begins to clean the ring)
Sheldon: (as he cleans up the ring; he talks to himself) We're going to clean it up. And make it pretty.
(Camera focuses on the ring in his hands)
Sheldon: (ecstatic) My Own, My Love...
(His voice suddenly becomes a gutteral hiss like Gollum)
Sheldon: My *Preciousss*.
(Camera reveals that Sheldon has transformed into Gollum as he looks at himself in the mirror, shocked. Sitcom audience bursts into laughter as he screams at his reflection... and out of the dream)
(rummaging through the junk they bought at a yard sale, Raj comes across an Aquaman action figure)
Howard: It looks like someone drew a penis on him.
Raj: That will come off.
(licking his thumb, Raj begins to vigorously rub the action figure's crotch)
Howard: You see what you're doing? Stop that.
Penny: Whatcha doing?
Leonard: Last one holding the ring decides its fate. I know it sounds silly.
Penny: No, no, no no no no, you are my boyfriend; nothing you do is silly to me.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: FYI, this is a bag from Victoria's Secret.
(goes into her apartment)
Leonard: (long pause) I'm out.
(follows her)
(Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard climb the stairs of the apartment building all still holding the ring)
Howard: You know, there comes a point where this becomes idiotic.
Leonard: It wasn't when we were driving like this?
Sheldon: Good morning, your honor. Doctor Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That means I am representing myself.
Judge J. Kirby: I know what it means. I went to law school.
Sheldon: And yet you wound up in traffic court.
Sheldon: I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.
Sheldon: I object! You're completely ignoring the law!
Judge J. Kirby: No, I'm following the law; I'm ignoring you.
Howard: Ouch! Ew, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj: Obviously you don't remember your circumcision.
Leonard: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard: (sarcastically) Sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again... at the hearing. This is going to look great, hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.
Leonard: (Raj enters the comic book store, then presses a button and the Imperial March from Star Wars starts blaring out of speakers in the middle of his shirt and he struts in like he's Darth Vader) Will you please turn your shirt off?
Raj: What? I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I'm awesome and to be feared.
Howard: Right. There's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who's got music blasting from between his nipples.
Leonard: I can't decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my "Journey into Mystery" 83, first appearance of Thor, or my "Fantastic Four" number 5, first appearance of Dr. Doom.
(Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Jeopardy!' "Think!" music)
Leonard: Alex, I'm gonna go with "What is... you're a dumbass?"
Sheldon: (knock knock knock) Penny?
(knock knock knock)
Sheldon: Penny?
(Penny immediately opens the door)
Penny: (knock knock knock) Penny?
Sheldon: That's just wrong.
Sheldon: I was found guilty and fined $533.
Penny: I'm gonna write you a check for that as long as you promise to put it in your drawer and never cash it like the others.
Sheldon: I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman.
Leonard: That's crazy; Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon: Yes. Which is why no-one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique albeit confusing artifact which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
Raj: That's a great idea; I'm going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
Sheldon: What is it about the the word 'unique' you don't understand?
Sheldon: This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yup.
(Penny rings the doorbell)
Sheldon: Oh, Lord. You just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. It's Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi or really what's gonna happen so just let me talk and we'll...
(the door opens)
Stan Lee: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Oh damn.
Penny: Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend Sheldon.
Sheldon: We're not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you'd just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon: You said we *were* invited.
Penny: Oh, no no, I said I'm inviting *you* to come with *me* to Stan Lee's house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fanboys are unbelievable! Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don't you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon: Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
(walks in. Stan Lee stares at Penny)
Penny: Sir, he doesn't really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie! Call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
(Penny runs away)
Howard: (to Sheldon) Stan Lee or you in court. Uh, if this was Sophie's Choice, it would have been a much shorter movie.
Sheldon: (to large man in jail cell) That's my spot.
Howard: (Raj keeps rattling off names, and Howard has had enough) WILL YOU JUST LET IT GO ALREADY?
Penny: (calling Leonard on the phone) Sheldon's in jail.
Leonard: Sheldon's in jail?
Raj: (to Howard) You called it.
Leonard: For what?
Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge.
Penny: Got any fun plans?
Stuart: Oh yeah, big night tonight. Gonna share a can of tuna with the cat.
Howard: (after hearing Raj incessantly rattle off character names with same two initials; as he does so) Okay, that's it. I'm cutting in front of you. I'm not going to talk to Stan Lee after you cheesed him off.
Sheldon: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailer?
Guard: What?
Sheldon: I need to use the restroom.
Guard: (Motions to cell toilet) Knock yourself out.
Sheldon: That's the toilet?
Guard: Well, it ain't a wishing well.
Sheldon: Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.
Leonard: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon: I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!
Howard: You *are* guilty.
(Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Law & Order' "thunk thunk" sound; Raj, Howard and Leonard snicker with laughter)
Howard: That one I liked.
Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard: There, there must be thousands of dollars here! Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don't trust banks. I believe when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.
Leonard: Come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
Howard: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.
Leonard: Seriouly?
Howard: Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.
Sheldon: Which ski hat says "apr?s super collider"?
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Hello.
Sheldon: All right, let's dispense with the friendly banter. I believe you know why I'm here.
Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.
Leonard: I know what'll cheer you up; let's play one of your driving games.
Sheldon: All right. This game is called 'Traitors'. I will name three historical figures; you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Doctor Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon: You're right; Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.
Howard: (on cellphone) ... Sweetie. Uh, listen, I need to go, but I'll see you tonight? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. B- No, *you* hang up first. Hello?
Raj: Dude, I'm glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you *have* to do that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don't?
Sheldon: Actually, he might have to. There's an economic concept known as a positional good, in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise "neener-neener".
Sheldon: Since I rarely hug, I am relying on your expertise regarding duration.
Penny: I think we're there.
Howard: Sorry I couldn't hang with you last night; I had a date with Bernadette.
Raj: I know. I saw the tweet.
Sheldon: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?
Penny: Okay, what's the big surprise?
Leonard: Just a minute. This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Okay. Let's see. We've got, uh, milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue... My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I'm going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?
Leonard: No. But it does involve air travel. Okay, um, let me slice this *Swiss* cheese with my *Swiss* army knife, and then *you* can wash it down with a cup of *Swiss* Miss instant cocoa.
Penny: Okay, I'm starting to think Swiss is key here.
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Penny: We're going to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn.
Leonard: How does that involve air travel?
Penny: We're going to Disney *World* and ride the Matterhorn!
Leonard: No.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, this started out fun, but I'm over it.
Leonard: We're going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider!
(Penny looks at him blankly)
Leonard: And ski. We'll also go skiing.
Penny: We're going skiing in Switzerland?
Leonard: Well, you'll ski, I'll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh, my God! Leonard, that's incredible!
Leonard: (awoken by sounds of Penny vomiting) What's going on?
Penny: (sarcastic) I'm having a tea party. What do you think's going on?
(sounds of Penny hocking up phlegm)
Penny: I think I might have the flu.
(sounds of more vomiting)
Penny: Or the plague.
Leonard: Well, our plane leaves at 9:00 a.m. Do you think you'll feel better by then?
Penny: (sounds of more vomiting) Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna be dead!
Raj: Even though I don't have a girlfriend, I can still have a good time on Valentine's.
Howard: Trust me, you can't. I've tried.
Raj: No, no, no. I'm gonna have a "me" day. I'm gonna go to one of those spas in Koreatown, take a steam, get a massage. Then I'm gonna stop at a pet store and get licked by puppies.
(Sheldon places a tray of cutlery in front of Leonard and leaves)
Raj: What the hell is that?
Leonard: Uh, let's see... Yeah, thirty pieces of silverware.
Sheldon: (Sheldon and Penny both have the flu) I just don't understand how this happened to me. I'm scrupulous about my hygiene, I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.
Penny: I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon.
(Sheldon remembers when he hugged Penny)
Sheldon: It's *you*! I touched *you*!
Penny: Happy Valentine's day.
Raj: Oh my goodness, look at this room.
(gasps)
Raj: Champagne! Roses! Oh, and little chocolates! This is going to be the best Valentine's day ever.
Leonard: Yeah, I forgot about all this.
Raj: But I never will.
Sheldon: I made you breakfast. Juice, coffee, and pancakes in the shape of some of your favorite fictional characters. See, here's Frodo.
Leonard: You made Frodo pancakes?
Sheldon: Yeah, I used coconut shavings to do the hair on his feet.
Sheldon: I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
Leonard: Yeah? Well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six.
Sheldon: Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist!
Penny: You actually put that in an agreement!
Leonard: Uh, yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, of if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon: He can't kill me even if I turn.
Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?
Sheldon: No, that seemed a little far-fetched.
Sheldon: I think you know why I'm here.
Penny: I always assumed it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.
Sheldon: Help me out. Which ski hat says, "Apr?s Super Collider"?
Leonard: Sheldon, I'm not taking you to Switzerland.
Sheldon: Well, of course you are. Who else would you take?
Leonard: Penny.
Sheldon: What? That's absurd. Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research.
Leonard: Yes, but it'll be Valentine's Day. We can go sightseeing and skiing and make love in front of a roaring fire in the shadow of the snow-capped Alps.
Sheldon: But Penny has no interest in subatomic particle research!
Leonard: I'm sorry, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Sorry? I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was 9 years old.
Leonard: I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's with a girl since I was 6.
Sheldon: Shame on you. That's no dream for a scientist.
Sheldon: Round two: Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.
Leonard: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon: He owns Fox and they cancelled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.
Howard: How long has he been stuck?
Leonard: Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.
Sheldon: (muttering) The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and twenty degrees.
Howard: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard: No, I think it's a firmware problem.
Penny: Hey, guys. Sorry you had to wait, but we're swamped.
(notices the food on the table)
Penny: What's this?
Leonard: Uh, Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here!
Leonard: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.
Penny: (Sheldon is using his hands like a spyglass) What is he doing now?
Leonard: Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Sheldon: Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Leonard: Aye, aye, captain.
Sheldon: By the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
Penny: No, Leonard doesn't snore.
Sheldon: No, I wasn't talking to Leonard.
Leonard: Told you.
Leonard: (about Sheldon) Penny, I told you if you don't put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment.
Penny: (man cackling) Leonard. You're giggling in your sleep.
Leonard: It's not me. It's my new ring tone. The Joker. From Batman.
Penny: Well, it creeps me out.
Leonard: Me too. But I paid 3 bucks for it.
Sheldon: (Serves Howard) Alright, one bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary restrictions simultaneously - kudos...
(Serves Raj)
Sheldon: ... and Beer-battered fish and chips - Now, here's your tartar sauce. I also brought you salsa. It's a little unconventional, but I think you'll like it. It's zingy...
(Serves Leonard)
Sheldon: And for you, factory burrito grande, no cheese, no sour cream, no ugly consequences from your lactose intolerance. Bon app?tit.
Leonard: Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Double guacamole?
Sheldon: Of course.
Leonard: No cilantro?
Sheldon: Nope.
Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: You understand why I'm doing this to you?
Sheldon: I do.
Leonard: That'll be all.
Penny: Whatcha doing?
Sheldon: I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee.
Sandy: So, Mister Cooper, you're looking for a job.
Sheldon: A menial job. Like yours.
Sandy: Why, thank you for noticing. I'm menial employee of the month.
Sheldon: I need to determine where in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squatteth the toad of truth.
Penny: Have you been up all night?
Sheldon: Is it morning?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Then I've been up all night.
Raj: OK, just to be clear, roller-skating was my idea, and I'm very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes!
Sheldon: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.
Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I came to tell you, I've got the answer.
Leonard: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?
Sheldon: No, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I've figured out how to figure it out.
Penny: Hey, you know, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong; we're going to have to break up.
Leonard: What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Einstein.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.
Sheldon: Albert Einstein.
Leonard: Keep going...
Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with Special Relativity, he was working at the Patent Office.
Leonard: So you're going to go work at the Patent Office?
Sheldon: Don't be absurd; that's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city the streets are laid out in a wheel and spoke pattern.
Leonard: (Leonard gets a call in the middle of the night about Sheldon's antics) Sheldon's escaped and is terrorizing the village.
(having figured out the solution to his physics problem, Sheldon turns to leave the Cheesecake Factory, leaving a mess of food on the floor)
Penny: Sheldon, where are you going? Aren't you going to clean this up?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I don't work here.
Sheldon: (while looking at a menu) And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon: Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj: No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard: It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.
Sheldon: In the meantime, please forward my mail.
Leonard: Any place specific or just the Bozeman, Montana loony bin.
Sheldon: I sense you're making a joke, but Bozeman does have a comedy club called the Loony Bin, so do not forward my mail there.
Sheldon: I do not have to urinate. I am master of my own bladder.
(Beat)
Sheldon: Drat!
Sheldon: (Arriving in Bozeman, Montana) That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!
Young Man: Uh, help you with your bag, sir?
Sheldon: Thank you, fellow Bozite! And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.
(Man runs off with Sheldon's bags)
Sheldon: Wait!
(Runs out)
Sheldon: Wait! Excuse me!
(Returns and goes to ticket counter)
Sheldon: One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.
Howard: (as Sheldon enters) Hey! Look who's back!
Sheldon: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.
Howard: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon: I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon: They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Leonard: Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.
Sheldon: Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.
Sheldon: You know, the more I think about it, the 'mobster sauce' couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard: And why is that?
Sheldon: It was listed under seafood.
Leonard: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?
(laughs)
Sheldon: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?
Howard: Boy, seems like forever since the four of us have been out to eat, you know, just the guys.
Raj: Oh God! Yes, we get it; you have a girlfriend now.
Howard: A little jealous are we?
Raj: No, I'm not jealous.
(the other 3 stare at him)
Raj: All right, I'd kill a hobo if it'll get me laid. Now can we order.
Sheldon: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.
Leonard: We like games.
Sheldon: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 through 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics... and Ms. Pac-Man.
Officer Hackett: (writing) Assorted video games.
Sheldon: Oh dear Lord, they redid the menu.
Leonard: So what? Its the same food.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under 'specialties'; it's now under 'chicken'.
Raj: So?
Sheldon: Yes, General Tso.
Raj: Not 'Tso' the chicken, 'so' the question.
Sheldon: So why is it no longer a specialty? Did the chef lose confidence in the dish or himself?
Leonard: Where did you get all this stuff?
Howard: Eh, I got a buddy over at the Department of Defense.
Leonard: He just *gave* it to you?
Howard: I'm sure he would've if I'd asked. Ironically, their security isn't all that good.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can't move. Don't you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?
Sheldon: Oh, if that were only true.
Penny: I can't believe it! If I hadn't been working the dinner shift, I would've run right into the robbers.
Leonard: Hey, there's no reason for you to be scared.
Penny: I'm not scared.
(picks up baseball bat)
Penny: I would have gone all Nebraska on their asses.
Sheldon: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don't like that.
Leonard: Would I be completely out of line for me to ask you to shoot him?
Officer Hackett: I'd be happy to put him under a seventy-two hour psychiatric hold.
Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
Howard: I don't like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
Leonard: What the hell is eighth base?
Howard: Seventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt.
Raj: That's Hindi for Whatever floats your boat.
Leonard: You're getting career advice from a psychic?
Sheldon: What is my function as wingman?
Raj: You help me run my game.
Sheldon: Okay. What is your "game"?
Raj: When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.
Raj: Then what are we gonna do tonight?
Leonard: Sorry. Howard and I are going out with Penny and Bernadette.
Howard: Yeah, no more carefree bachelor nights for me and Leonard. These broncos have been saddled.
(imitates horse whinnying)
Howard: How did we get actual women?
Leonard: Your psychic didn't tell you I was going to be a jerk?
Howard: I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.
Leonard: And that didn't bother you?
Howard: Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.
Sheldon: Well, I understand there are several types of artificial women.
Leonard: What am I supposed to do? Pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard: Hey, I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.
Sheldon: So, the point of this exercise is for you to find someone to copulate with?
Bernadette: I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard: Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
Bernadette: We're way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard: Uh, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.
Raj: Namast?, white people! Good news. I've rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
Leonard: Got it.
Howard: Seen it.
Sheldon: Detailed analysis posted online.
Abby: Hi, Raj. Where are you from?
Raj: The mysterious sub-continent of India.
Abby: Ooh... India?
Raj: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Raj: Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon: I thought your father was a gynecologist.
Howard: (Watching Leonard melt his action figures with a laser) Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard: Not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Howard: All right, I was going to try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don't have a high-powered weapon.
Sheldon: Good night, puny human!
Raj: Come on, Sheldon. The world is filled with people doing things outside; let's go outside. Outside is good.
Sheldon: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?
Raj: I don't know. It's a marketing scheme.
Raj: We would just walk around and see what's what.
Sheldon: That's a semantically null sentence.
Sheldon: Thanks for giving me your limited-edition Green Lantern lantern.
Raj: Did you really have to bring it in with you?
Sheldon: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?
Raj: Come on, let's get a drink.
Sheldon: I don't drink.
Raj: Yeah, well, I do, and when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot.
Leonard: Come here, you crazy, nerdy guy. I could never be mad at you.
Leonard: We're planning to have sex right on the salad bar.
Leonard: Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Leonard: I hope you're hungry, Bernadette. We're going to a terrific restaurant.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah, I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard: Flesh-eating bacteria and yet I still wanna kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second-base?
Raj: My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
Sheldon: Oh, my.
(Puts on hands)
Sheldon: I've admired these for years.
Raj: Does that mean we can go with the girls again?
Sheldon: (Imitates Hulk) Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!
Raj: You can't wear the hands on the date.
Sheldon: Hulk sad.
Leonard: Look at us! Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.
Howard: Yes. Actual women are the best.
Sheldon: I don't understand. What other kind of women are there?
Leonard: Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?
Howard: Nah. It would just freak him out.
Howard: I should warn you, I'm a passionate man and I tend towards public displays of affection.
Martha: Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
Sheldon: Why, I suppose. Come in.
(Martha enters his bedroom)
Sheldon: I'll sleep in Leonard's room; good night.
Penny: Wow, that's all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
Leonard: No, I'm sorry. I really am. It's not right to mock what a person believes in.
Penny: Thank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it's all about?
Leonard: Would you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
Penny: I would not.
Leonard: Okay, let's go see your psychic.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Well, yeah, one of us has to keep an open mind.
Penny: You saying I don't have an open mind?
Leonard: No, not at all. Let me help you with this stuff.
Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
Leonard: Great.
Penny: And astrology.
Leonard: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don't work.
Leonard: Really, that's the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Penny: Oh, voodoo's real. You don't want to mess with voodoo.
Leonard: You know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with... Want your fish? I knew you were going to do that. Doesn't make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse.
Howard: Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.
Sheldon: Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Penny: You know, I could use a drink. Do you want to stop for a drink?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: I don't drink.
Penny: I do. I'll teach you.
Penny: What? Your mother's coming? When?
Leonard: Tomorrow.
Penny: When were you gonna tell me?
Leonard: Um, tomorrow?
Beverly Hofstadter: Your "check engine" light is on.
Penny: Yeah, I gotta put a sticker over that. So you must be devastated about your divorce.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. But I am a bit distressed to be in a vehicle that's not subjected to regular maintenance.
Penny: Come on, I mean, you're not upset that your marriage is over?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I felt something akin to grief and perhaps anger, but that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
Sheldon: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which frankly sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.
Leonard: Merry Newtonmas, everyone!
Sheldon: I sense that's not sincere, although I have no idea why.
Leonard: Mom, you remember Penny.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his 'little slugger' growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm going to say no.
Beverly Hofstadter: I will just pretend that Leonard's not withholding information. Although, I will point out, Leonard, that I am a trained psychiatrist and you are exhibiting the same secretive behavioral tics that accompanied your learning to masturbate.
Sheldon: Isn't she brilliant, Leonard? How I envy you.
Beverly Hofstadter: I want you to take very good care of this young woman.
Penny: Ohhh, thank you, Beverly.
Beverly Hofstadter: You're welcome. She doesn't have much in the way of career prospects; don't make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
Leonard: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don't communicate with me enough?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, dear.
Leonard: I'm over it.
Penny: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.
Leonard: Are you guys drunk?
Beverly Hofstadter: I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco?
Penny: C'mon, I mean you're not upset that your marriage is over?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I did feel something akin to grief and perhaps anger. But that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
Penny: Sure, sure.
Beverly Hofstadter: Thankfully my shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that I haven't had intercourse with him in eight years.
Penny: Eight years?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, that's nothing. I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes.
(Beverly snickers)
Penny: OK, what's so funny?
Beverly Hofstadter: That's exactly what I say during orgasms. Yikes.
Penny: So, what did she say when you told her we were going out?
Leonard: Um
Penny: You didn't tell her we were going out, did you?
Leonard: Um
Penny: Why not?
Leonard: Um
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm no expert on meditation, but if you're trying to calm yourself down, I believe the word is Om.
Beverly Hofstadter: (Mrs. Hofstader & Penny are drinking in a bar) I feel a spreading warmth through my extremities.
Penny: As long as you don't feel it running down your pants, you're fine.
Leonard: Mom, you remember Penny?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, the waitress-slash-actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger finally growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm gonna say no.
Howard: If it helps, we're all good with your breasts.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Classic overcompensation.
Penny: You know, Leonard did not wanna tell you we were dating.
Beverly Hofstadter: Really? That means he's either embarrassed by the relationship or he doesn't care enough about his mother to tell her he's in one. Either way, one of us should be insulted.
Sheldon: Just remember, Leonard. Where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.
Leonard: You're my surrogate family?
Sheldon: If it's any consolation, I'm not happy about it either. Good night.
Leonard: What is it?
Sheldon: I made tea.
Leonard: I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I didn't make tea for *you*. This is *my* tea.
Leonard: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard: It's a *lousy* conversation starter.
Sheldon: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
Beverly Hofstadter: (to Leonard) Why didn't you tell me you were tapping my homegirl?
Beverly Hofstadter: (to Penny) Did I say that right?
Penny: Yeah. Not bad. Not bad.
Beverly Hofstadter: (after hugging Leonard) I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
Penny: That's the Del Taco.
Sheldon: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of warm feelings, come here!
(Kisses Sheldon square on the lips)
Beverly Hofstadter: No, I'd rather have the busboy.
Penny: Hey, Bev. Guess what?
Beverly Hofstadter: What?
Penny: I'm sleeping with your son.
Beverly Hofstadter: Really? Which one?
Penny: The one from whom I live across the hall... from.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, that's convenient. How'd his penis turn out?
Penny: Oh, Beverly, I-I can't talk to my boyfriend's mother about his penis.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, fair enough. What can you tell me if anything about that busboy's penis?
Penny: Actually, I've only had the cheesecake.
Leonard: In my family, holidays weren't so much celebrated, as studied for their anthropological and psychological implications on human society.
Penny: Oh, sounds festive. Did you at least give presents?
Leonard: Hm, in a way. We presented papers. And then broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.
Penny: Sheldon, what about you? Did you have a Christmas tree?
Sheldon: Oh yes. We had a tree, we had a manger, we had an inflatable Santa Claus with plastic reindeer on the front lawn. And to make things even more jolly, there were so many blinking lights on the house, they induced neighborhood-wide seizures.
Penny: Ah, I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
Leonard: (to Deck the Halls) Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Penny: You really didn't like it, Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character. And I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
Leonard: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!
Leonard: What do you want?
Sheldon: What I want is to be departing the starship Enterprise in a one-man shuttlecraft, headed to the planet I rule, known as Sheldon Alpha 5.
Leonard: I want that too.
Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me. I'm divorcing yours.
Leonard: What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. He was cheating on me.
Leonard: No!
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress.
(to Penny)
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, no offense, dear.
Penny: (sarcastically) No, it sounded like a compliment.
Leonard: When did this happen?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, let's see... Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father?
Sheldon: September 22nd.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died.
Leonard: Mitzy's dead?
Sheldon: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?
Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon, I do hope you forgive me for my inappropriate behavior last night.
Sheldon: I don't blame you. You were intoxicated.
Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you.
Sheldon: I blame Penny.
Penny: I blame Penny too. Bad Penny.
Leonard: Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What inappropriate behavior?
Beverly Hofstadter: I think it's best that you don't know.
Sheldon: Agreed.
Penny: Agreed.
Leonard: What the hell. Agreed.
Howard: It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee too?
Penny: Hey, Leonard. Check this out.
(Throws a dumpling up in the air and catches it with her mouth)
Sheldon: Leonard, she's doing it again.
Leonard: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
Sheldon: No, it upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution.
(Turns to Raj)
Sheldon: This is essentially why you have famine in India.
(Raj shakes his head no at Penny)
Penny: (Mouth open so the dumpling is visible) You want me to put it back?
Sheldon: Leonard...
Leonard: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, sure. And while we're at it, why don't we put our hands behind our backs, have an old-fashioned eating contest?
Penny: Hey Sheldon, can I talk to you for a second?
Sheldon: It's not about shoes, is it? I don't think I can go through that again.
Sheldon: (voiceover as he works at his laptop) Research Journal. Entry 1. I'm about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career. Teaching Penny physics. I'm calling it: 'Project Gorilla'.
Howard: Thought I'd give the little woman a tour of the old salt mines.
Bernadette: (to Leonard) He doesn't mean salt mine. He means where he works.
Leonard: Yah. I know. I got it.
Sheldon: (after Raj beats him on Mario Kart) That's not fair! I got stuck behind a tree.
Raj: And a cow, and a penguin. Face it dude. Whether it's a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can't drive.
Sheldon: Why are you crying ?
Penny: Because I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid and that makes me sad.
Penny: (Sheldon is giving her a long-winded history lesson on physics) I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2600 years.
Howard: Utero-Americans?
Sheldon: (trying to teach Penny physics) How can you not know? I just told you. Did you suffer a recent blow to the head?
Penny: Hey, you don't have to be mean.
Sheldon: I'm sorry.
(trying to sound more cheerful)
Sheldon: Did you suffer a recent blow to the head?
Bernadette: I love your shoes.
Penny: Oh, thanks. They are cute, aren't they?
Bernadette: Where'd you get them?
Penny: Shoes for Less.
Bernadette: I've been meaning to go over there.
Penny: Oh, great selection, great prices.
Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon, let the women-folk chat.
Penny: Women-folk?
Howard: Gals? Chicks? Utero-Americans?..
Sheldon: All right, let us begin. Where's your notebook?
Penny: Um... I don't have one.
Sheldon: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?
Penny: I have to take notes?
Sheldon: How else are you going to study for the tests?
Penny: There's gonna be a test?
Sheldon: (stressing the plural) Tests.
(Sheldon gets a notebook from his desk and hands it to her)
Sheldon: Here. It's college ruled; I hope that's not too intimidating.
Sheldon: (Sheldon is trying to teach Penny about physics, but she's having a rough go of it) Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad.
Howard: I want you to meet my girlfriend Bernadette.
Sheldon: Leonard's work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing lima beans in wet paper towels.
Sheldon: Subject appears well rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance *is* bliss.
Penny: Oh, come on, a smart guy like you; it'll be a challenge. You could make it like an experiment.
Sheldon: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to Koko the gorilla... I could teach you some rudimentary physics.
Penny: Great! A little insulting, but great. I'll be Koko.
Sheldon: Not likely. Koko learned to understand over two thousand words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.
Penny: Look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff, and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.
Penny: Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can't sit somewhere else?
Penny: Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.
Bernadette: (forgiving Wolowitz after an argument) Come here, Tushy Face.
Leonard: (as they kiss, he snickers and pulls out his phone) "Tushy Face". That is going on Twitter right now.
Bernadette: I don't have Howard's street cred.
Bernadette: Don't take him too seriously. A lot of what he says is intended as humor.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don't think it's very funny.
Bernadette: Me, neither. But, he just lights up when I laugh.
Penny: Howard, never let her go.
Leonard: Relax, it'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.
Leonard, Penny, Raj: (as Bernadette goes for Sheldon's spot) No!
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Oh, yeah. You can't sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can't sit somewhere else?
(from across the room Sheldon turns, stares and raises an eyebrow a freakishly long way)
Penny: Oh, no, no. You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.
Penny: I was wondering if you could maybe teach me a little physics.
Sheldon: A little physics?.. There's no such thing. Physics encompasses the entire universe. From quantum particles to supernovas. From spinning electrons to spinning galaxies.
Penny: Okay, cool, I don't need the PBS special. I wanna know enough so I can talk to Leonard about his job. Like Bernadette does.
Sheldon: Why can't Leonard teach you?
Penny: Because I wanna surprise him.
Sheldon: Can't you surprise him in some other way? For example, I'm sure he'd be delightfully taken aback if you clean your apartment.
Sheldon: My mother was right. Hell is real.
Sheldon: This is the beginning of the twenty-six hundred year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks, through Isaac Newton, to Niels Bohr, to Erwin Schr?dinger, to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
Leonard: Most people aren't that interested in what I do.
Penny: Ahem. Actually, that's not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I've been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment the transport of electrons through the aperture of the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands.
(Leonard is astounded)
Penny: Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analog of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect.
(Everyone is dumbfounded)
Penny: That's it; that's all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.
Sheldon: Leonard's work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing Lima beans in wet paper towels.
(Raj whispers in Sheldon's ear)
Sheldon: While I appreciate the "Oh, snap!", I'm uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.
Sheldon: Howard, your shoes are delightful. Where did you get them?
Howard: What?
Sheldon: Bazinga, I don't care.
Sheldon: And what do we know from this?
Penny: Um. We know that... Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh, is that where Fig Newtons come from?
Sheldon: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don't write that down!
Sheldon: Why can't Leonard teach you?
Penny: 'Cause I want to surprise him.
Sheldon: Can't you surprise him in some other way? For example, I'm sure he'd be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.
Leonard: Are you interested in physics?
Bernadette: I find it fascinating. If I hadn't gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics... or ice dancing.
Penny: You see in the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm, yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct, so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Penny: A lot of the girls threw up, but I gutted that thing like a deer.
Sheldon: What no, that's a false equivalency. More does not equal merry. If there were 2,000 people in this apartment right now, would we be celebrating? No, we'd be suffocating.
Howard: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj: Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard: With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates.
Howard: So nice you could join me this evening. You're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks, Howard. Always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.
Howard: Come on, Katee, don't make it sound so cheap.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm sorry. Fiddling with yourself in the bathtub is a real class act.
Howard: Thank you. So, shall we get started?
Katee Sackhoff: Sure, but can I ask you a question first?
Howard: You want to play Cylon & Colonist?
Katee Sackhoff: No. I want to know why you're playing make-believe with me when you could be out with a real woman tonight.
Howard: You mean Bernadette?
Katee Sackhoff: No, I mean Princess Leia. Of course I mean Bernadette. She's a wonderful girl and she really likes you.
Howard: I know, but she's not you.
Katee Sackhoff: I'm not me. The real me is in Beverly Hills going out with a tall, handsome, rich guy.
Howard: Really? Tall?
Katee Sackhoff: Six four.
Howard: Ouch.
Katee Sackhoff: The point is you've got a wonderful girl in your life and you're ignoring her in order to spend your nights in a bathtub with a mental image and a washcloth.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard! What are you doing in there?
Howard: I'm taking a bath!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I hope that's all you're doing! We share that tub!
Howard: Don't remind me!
(he turns back to find Katee has disappeared)
Howard: Oh, man, all soaped up and no place to go.
Sheldon: Well, this is very exciting, and I wanted you to be among the first to know...
Kripke: (passing by) Hey, Cooper, I hear you're gonna be on the wadio with Ira Fwatow from Science Fwiday next week.
Sheldon: Thank you, Kripke, for depriving me of the opportunity to share my news with my friends.
Kripke: My pweasure.
Sheldon: My thank-you was not sincere.
Kripke: But my pweasure is. Let me ask you a question. At what point did National Public Wadio have to start scwaping the bottom of the barrel for its guests? Eeh-eeh. Don't answer. It's rhetorical.
Howard: (about Bernadette) She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
Howard: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
Howard: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.
Sheldon: (about being on NPR) My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.
Sheldon: Biologically speaking, Howard is perfectly justified in seeking out the optimum mate for the propagation of his genetic line.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Whether that propagation is in the interest of humanity is, of course, an entirely different question.
(after Sheldon pranks Kripke and, unintentionally, the dean of the university, Leonard and Raj are embarrassed that they were named as accomplices)
Raj: (to Leonard) Well, I'm going back to India. What's your plan?
Sheldon: What do you want?
Raj: We represent the Lollipop Guild and we want you.
Howard: Two years later there's a knock on the door; the guy opens it, and there on the porch is the snail who says, "What the heck was that all about?"
Bernadette: (giggles) I don't really get it.
Howard: See, it took two for the snail to-
(Bernadette kisses him)
Howard: Not important.
Bernadette: Can I ask you a question?
Howard: Sure.
Bernadette: Where do you think this is going?
Howard: To be honest, I was hoping at least second base.
Bernadette: You're so funny. You're like a stand-up comedian.
Howard: A Jewish stand-up comedian; that'd be new.
Bernadette: Actually, I think a lot of them are Jewish.
Howard: No, I was just be- Never mind.
Bernadette: Look, Howard, this is our third date, and we both know what that means.
Howard: We do?
Bernadette: Sex.
Howard: You're kidding!
Bernadette: But I need to know whether you're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand.
Howard: Okay, just to be clear, there's only one correct answer, right? It's not like 'chicken or fish' on an airplane.
Bernadette: Maybe you need to think about it a little.
Howard: You know it's not unheard of for a one-night stand to turn into a relationship.
Bernadette: (she kisses him briefly) Call me when you figure it out.
(she goes into her house)
Howard: Three dates means sex! Who knew?
Raj: Here comes Kripke!
Leonard: Who is that with him?
Raj: Believe that's the president of the university.
Leonard: And the board of directors! Abort, abort!
Sheldon: There is no abort.
Raj: How could you not put in an abort?
Sheldon: I made a boo-boo, all right?
Sheldon: (speaking in high-pitched voice after breathing helium) Kripke, I've found the nozzle. I'm going to kill you!
(Penny enters)
Penny: Hi, guys.
Sheldon: Hello.
Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me!
(very long pause)
Penny: Nah, I'm sorry. Just screwin' with ya.
Howard: Hey, I'm interested in what's inside people too, but why is it wrong to want those insides wrapped up in, say, the delicious caramel that is Halle Berry.
Raj: (after Sheldon's foam prank covers everything and everyone in Kripke's lab) Wow. Looks like the Ganges on laundry day.
Penny: (Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette) Oh, I am *so* sorry.
Bernadette: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Howard: (sings) Bernadette!
(says)
Howard: Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!
Penny: Why are you back from your date so early?
Howard: In romance, as in show business, always leave them wanting more.
Penny: (to Leonard) What exactly does that mean?
Leonard: He struck out.
Penny: I slipped in the shower and I think I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Tubs are slippery.
(Sheldon is helping Penny get dressed without looking)
Penny: Now, you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Sheldon: Okay.
Penny: Is that my arm?
Sheldon: It doesn't feel like an arm.
Penny: Then maybe you should let it go.
Sheldon: (pause) All righty.
Sheldon: Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: It's right there.
Sheldon: Where is the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood.
Sheldon: We have to fill these out. "Describe illness or injury."
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon: Cause of accident: Lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No!
Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to "yes."
Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: (in a disgusted tone) Oh, next question.
Sheldon: I'll put "in progress." Okay, turning to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety etc.
Penny: Oh my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?
Sheldon: Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon: Possible Tourette's. All right, "moles, lesions, or other skin conditions." Soup tattoo on right buttock.
Raj: And the next morning, when he woke up, he rolled over and realized... don, don, don... she was his cousin.
(Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically)
Howard: That's still not funny.
Raj: (mimicking Howard) That's still not funny.
(they laugh even harder)
Howard: And she was my *second* cousin.
Raj: And she was my *second* cousin.
(more laughing)
Howard: You're a real douche.
Raj: Who cares! You slept with your *cousin*!
(Leonard and Raj laugh hysterically again)
Howard: How much time do we have?
Leonard: Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Raj: Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three.
Howard: Anything yet?
Leonard: Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock.
Howard: Hang on. How 'bout... now?
Raj: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Howard: Mmm, Real Sex.
Raj: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
Penny: Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please take a break from being you for just a minute and try being... I don't know... comforting?
Sheldon: (over the phone) And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm going to be dining alone this evening, so I'll be reducing my usual order. I'd like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate, and one half of the Golden Treasure for two...
Sheldon: (pauses and listens for a second) Oh for heaven's sake. In the mid 18th century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle Pad Thai and dumplings!
Leonard: I wish Penny didn't have to work; she loves camping.
Raj: Yeah, that would've been great: you and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.
Howard: Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.
Raj: Yeah, it's just not the same without him.
(Leonard, Rajesh and Howard break up laughing)
Howard: Okay, the best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby. Mostly science nerds like us, but just over yon ridge are two not unattractive middle-school teachers who reek of desperation.
Raj: Wonderful. How old are they?
Howard: I don't know, 50, 55?
Raj: Oh, menopause. Heh. Nature's birth control.
Leonard: Come on. You guys can't be that hard up.
Raj: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.
Leonard: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd.
Howard: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.
Raj: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first.
Leonard: You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it.
Howard: It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen!
Raj: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
Leonard: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'?
Howard: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed.
(sighs)
Howard: Cousin Jeannie.
Leonard: I can feel it. I can feel the Earth moving! It's moving too fast! Raj! Slow it down!
(Raj strains)
Raj: Okay, how's that?
Leonard: Better. Thanks.
Sheldon: While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It's not 'soup', it's 'courage'.
Sheldon: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
Sheldon: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.
Penny: Sing Soft Kitty to me.
Sheldon: Soft Kitty is for when you're sick. You're not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.
Penny: Warp speed, Mr. Spock.
Sheldon: Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise. He was a science officer. And I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's check engine light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately.
Sheldon: Mother always told me one should wear clean underpants in case one is in an accident.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon, let's go home.
Sheldon: I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know, I'm hiding in my bedroom, blaring a Richard Feynman lecture, while my mom is shouting that Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf. And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.
Sheldon: I should have asked for *much* more than a comic book and a robot.
Stuart: I was thinking of closing early and going home but, let's face it, that's just a smaller lonely room filled with comic books.
Penny: How 'bout we buy you this robot, and then we all go home.
Sheldon: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, you can have that one.
Leonard: Oh, come on! He's just going to play with it twice, and it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.
Sheldon: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: Yes, you can.
Sheldon: (to Raj and Howard, finally having heard enough) Stop it! Both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents!
(Imitating his mother)
Sheldon: "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinking I'd leave you!"
(Imitating his father)
Sheldon: "Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!"
(as his mother)
Sheldon: "Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!"
(as his father)
Sheldon: "I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry: that I let you name him Sheldon!"
(Storms out of the comic book store)
Penny: I hear you don't like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality.
Leonard: What? Who would tell you something like that?
(immediately looking at Sheldon)
Leonard: Why would you tell her something like that?
Penny: Are you ready to apologize?
Leonard: No.
Penny: Ehh! Wrong answer. But thank you for playing.
Leonard: Come on. This is stupid.
Penny: Oh, there it is again. You think I'm stupid.
Leonard: No. There's a difference between being and acting stupid.
Penny: Oh, yeah? Well, there's a difference between being a jerk and being an ass.
Leonard: No, there isn't. They're synonyms.
Leonard: Let me ask you something: do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard: No, I mean she's obviously way out of line...
Leonard: Thank you.
Howard: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.
Penny: Hey.
Leonard: Hey.
(pause)
Leonard: We're, uh, going to the movies.
Sheldon: No, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.
Sheldon: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago, I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we're going to be late for the movies.
Penny: Here, what's going on?
Leonard: It's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.
Sheldon: Don't flatter yourself; I'm just ignoring you.
Debbie Wolowitz: Howard, answer the door! I'm busy!
Howard: I'm busy too! You answer it!
Debbie Wolowitz: I can't! I'm on the toilet!
Howard: God's sake, I don't need to hear that! Can't you just say, "I 'm busy?"
Debbie Wolowitz: I said, "I'm busy," but that wasn't good enough for you!
Howard: I hope it's one of those home invasion deals and they shoot me in the head.
Debbie Wolowitz: Well, if it's a home invader, don't tell them I'm on the toilet!
Penny: (to departing customers) Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon!
(quietly)
Penny: With the other half of my tip.
Raj: Why don't you think I can find a woman for myself?
Mrs. Koothrappali: You're 27, the closest thing we have to a daughter-in-law is that Jewish boy, Howard!
Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I can not believe you made up your own game.
Sheldon: Oh, "Research Lab" is more than a game. Like the slogan says, "the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."
Leonard: We must not be playing it right.
Howard: (about a girl he thought smiled at him) I totally had a shot!
Raj: With a woman you were chasing through a park. That's not a shot; that's a felony.
Sheldon: Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's?
Leonard: What's wrong with a football jersey?
Sheldon: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.
Leonard: It was the smallest size they had. Except the one for dogs. I can't believe they have one for dogs.
Sheldon: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.
Howard: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard: Apparently.
Howard: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
Leonard: Unbelievable.
Sheldon: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard: So you could teach me?
Sheldon: Football or chicken fried meats?
Leonard: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.
Penny: Sheldon, come in.
Sheldon: Thank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.
Penny: There's some in the fridge.
Sheldon: You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.
Sheldon: All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
Leonard: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.
Leonard: Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?
Sheldon: Focus, Leonard, focus. The heat of battle is upon us; the dogs of war unleashed.
Leonard: Maybe Koothrappali's right; maybe I embarrass her.
Sheldon: You're embarrassing me right now. A grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.
Raj: Sheldon, I don't suppose there's any chance you could give me kite back?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate that the fallen kite go to the victor, and without rules the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture: I have your kite! I have your kite!
Leonard: Well, this sucks.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?
Raj: Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny little man who flies kites.
Sheldon: Oh, that certainly would suck.
Howard, Leonard, Raj: Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!
Sheldon: Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"
Howard, Leonard, Raj: (after a beat) Kites ho!
Howard: (Howard and Raj are arguing) At least I can talk to women without being drunk!
Raj: Excuse me, I have selective mutism, a recognized medical disorder. You're just a douche!
Leonard: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?
Sheldon: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the Battlestar known as Galactica.
Leonard: (watching football) What is this "sacks" statistic they put up there?
Howard: All I know about Saks is my mother shops there.
Leonard: (searching the index of "Football for Dummies") Sacks, sacks.
Sheldon: It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
Leonard: Huh.
(looking through his book again)
Leonard: Scrimmage...
Sheldon: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.
Raj: What a douche!
Leonard: (Leonard is trying to learn about football) Okay, a completed pass: first down, New England. I think I'm starting to get this.
Raj: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Raj: I'm just saying maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.
Sheldon: Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?
Leonard: Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.
Sheldon: How would you put it?
Leonard: (pause) Yeah, okay, like you said.
Sheldon: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term "ho."
Howard: I would've caught up to her if I hadn't pulled a hammy.
Raj: Oh, please. You weigh 80 pounds. You don't have a hammy.
Penny: I wouldn't mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon.
Leonard: No, I'll watch the end of the game. Besides, there's three minutes left.
Penny: Until halftime.
Leonard: This is just half? We've been here for hours!
Penny: You're gonna be here for a couple more.
Leonard: Oh, you're kidding me.
Penny: No.
Leonard: (getting up and leaving) Nice meeting all of you!
Leonard: What the hell are you talking about?
Sheldon: I'm attempting to communicate with you without my meaning becoming apparent to those around you. Let me try again. Have the indigenous fauna accepted you as one of their own? Nudge nudge wink wink.
Leonard: Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun!
Sheldon: That's exactly what my father said. "Come to the games! Watch the games!" Week in and week out, from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.
Leonard: Go! Go! Go! Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what?
Penny: Sweetie, that's a highlight from the '98 championship game.
Howard: I brought you a little gift. New kite!
Raj: (scoffs) The kite you made me lose was an authentic Patang. An Indian fighting kite that my brother sent to me from New Delhi. It took me a day to put together and two days to paint. This is Hello Kitty.
Howard: Yeah, but it comes with a little coin purse. Does a Patang?
Leonard: Still can't believe she's going out with me.
Raj: Nobody can.
Howard: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines.
(in Jar Jar Binks accent)
Howard: Choke on that, Sucka!
Leonard: Okay. Well then, I'll just *cut* your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em.
Penny: Um... I have a question.
Leonard: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny.
Howard: Unless you have the Carrot of Power.
Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?
Howard: How about computers? Do you like computers?
Bernadette: I use them. I don't like them.
Howard: Leonard, a pact is a pact. You have to get Penny to fix me up.
Leonard: It's not that simple. What am I supposed to say, "Penny, do you have any friends you'd like to never hear from again?"
Sheldon: Wil Wheaton, my old friend. I've chased you 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round Perdition's Flames!
Raj: You know, you keep quoting "Wrath of Khan" but he was in "Next Generation?" It's a totally different set of characters.
Sheldon: Silence!
Howard: You and I made a pact that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend, that person would have his girlfriend hook the other guy up with one of her girlfriends.
Leonard: Yeah, I don't remember that.
Sheldon: June 30th, 2004.
Sheldon: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poo on the handles of my bicycle.
(Howard and Bernadette are out on their first date)
Howard: (Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science') Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette: Are you going to answer it?
Howard: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard: (laughs it off) Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old?
Howard: You live with your mother?
Bernadette: No. That's the sad part.
Howard: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette: I'd love some.
Howard: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette: Why?
Howard: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard: It's a date.
(they laugh and clink wine glasses)
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?
Sheldon: (screaming) WHEATON! WHEATON! WHEATON!
Howard: Do you like science fiction?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Role-playing games?
Bernadette: Like in the bedroom or like Dungeons and Dragons?
Howard: Either.
Bernadette: No.
Leonard: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon: Photographic is a misnomer; I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times, most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.
Penny: OK, I gotta go.
Leonard: Why?
Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard: Not Ka, *Ka'a*.
Penny: Buh-aye.
Sheldon: bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay!
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.
Leonard: How about that? Albert Einstein was wrong.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Approaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time.
Leonard: (Points at Howard and Bernadette) Approaching them does.
Penny: (after sex) Wow. You really are a genius.
Leonard: Not really. I Googled how to do that.
(Leonard is asking Penny to set Howard up with one of her friends)
Penny: You mean you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
Leonard: Well... I sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up *before* sex. *During*, I was trying to remember what I read on Google.
Stuart: Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine's coming in tomorrow. Want me to set one aside for you?
Sheldon: Thank you. You just robbed me of the opportunity to stumble upon the figurine and make the oh-so-satisfying journey from discovery to desire to possession.
Leonard: You know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.
Penny: The problem isn't what's on the inside. It's the creepy candy coating.
Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages.
Howard: Six, if you count Klingon.
Leonard: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: Right.
Sheldon: I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But, I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw.
Leonard: What do you mean he's getting deported?
Sheldon: I believe it means the U.S. government is going to expel him from the country. He could return to India, immigrate to another country willing to accept him or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I'd choose pirate.
Raj: If we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt.
Sheldon: English is your native language.
Raj: Okay, you got me there.
Sheldon: And you continued to take the university's money under false pretenses? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist... but practically mandatory for a pirate.
Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be *like* god.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out - I swear to cow!
Howard: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour.
Penny: Oh, kill me.
Howard: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that.
Raj: You want me to work with you.
Sheldon: For me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
Raj: Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim buck naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon: *For* me.
Sheldon: I took another look at the board, and I realized you were right.
Raj: So you were wrong.
Sheldon: I'm not saying that.
Raj: That's the only logical inference.
Sheldon: I'm still not saying it.
Sheldon: Forgive me. You know I am not adept at reading facial cues, but I am going to take a stab here. You are either sad or nauseated.
Raj: I'm sad.
Sheldon: I was going to say sad! I don't why I hedged.
Sheldon: Bazinga. You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I'm your boss now, you may want to laugh at that.
Howard: (about going with Penny on Thanksgiving) I'd love to, but on Thanksgiving my family comes to my mother's for her famous tur-briska-fil.
Penny: Tur-briska-fil?
Howard: Turkey stuffed with brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds.
Penny: Hey, wanna get a little crazy?
Leonard: What are you thinking?
Penny: Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
Leonard: You are a dirty girl!
(Knock at the door)
Penny: Oh God, how did he know?
Raj: I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon: *For* me.
Raj: Yes, *for* you. I do however have a few conditions. First, at all times I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon: I'm impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Howard: So, what are we watching? Sex and the City? Yikes!
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all of our periods will synchronize.
Penny: (to Leonard) Hi, honey.
Howard: Oh, we're honey now, are we?
Sheldon: Yes, since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
Penny: You're boring people, sweetie.
Sheldon: Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.
Leonard: That was fun. Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, honey, you don't say thank you every time we have sex.
Leonard: Tomorrow, you're gonna get a card in the mail. Just throw it away.
Leonard: Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard: Well, you shouldn't.
Sheldon: Oh, ugh. There's just no pleasing you, is there? You weren't happy with my approach with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques building on the works of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. Next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "buzzinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges, if you will.
Bethany: What are you going to get, Howard?
Howard: Well, I can't really decide between a screaming devil, this mean little skull or Kermit the Frog.
Bethany: Kermit the Frog?
Howard: You know.
(Kermit voice)
Howard: Hi ho, I'm on Howard's butt!
Bethany: Get the mean little skull, and I'll see if I can make him smile.
Howard: Yeah, I'd like the mean little skull, please.
Leonard: (Howard and Raj leave to go to a goth nightclub) They're gonna get beaten up at that club.
Penny: They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens.
Leonard: (Talking about how Sheldon deals with Penny) All I'm saying is that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure. What's your point?
Penny: Oh man, did the Kiss army repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'?
Penny: (dancing and singing along to the radio) "I'm goin' out tonight / I'm feelin' alright /Gonna let it all hang out / Wanna make some noise really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout. Ah. No-" Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: (turns radio off) Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon: The math would suggest that in a few I'm a clown made of candy. But I don't dance.
Howard: (to Raj) Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.
Leonard: I'm just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon: You can catch even more flies with manure; what's your point?
Penny: You know what? I give up. He's impossible.
Sheldon: I can't be impossible, I exist. I believe what you meant to say is, "I give up. He's improbable."
Leonard: Sheldon, you need to find a better way of dealing with Penny.
Sheldon: What am I supposed to do? Eat French toast on a Monday? Now, that would be impossible.
Sheldon: Obviously, waitressing at the Cheesecake Factory is a complex socio-economic activity that requires a great deal of analysis and planning... Buzzinga. You know, using positive reinforcement techniques I could train that behavior out of her in a week.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: If you let me use negative reinforcement I can get it done before we go to bed.
Leonard: You're not squirting her in the face with water.
Sheldon: No, of course not. We're talking very mild electric shocks. No tissue damage whatsoever.
Leonard: Forget it.
Sheldon: Oh, come on. You can't tell me that you're not intrigued about the possibility of building a better girlfriend.
Leonard: I'm not. Penny's qualities, both good and bad, are what make her who she is.
Leonard: OK. I know what you're doing.
Sheldon: Really?
Leonard: Yes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.
Sheldon: Very good. Chocolate?
Leonard: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Penny: Kim, the night manager, went on maternity leave, and her husband's name is Sandy. So get this, her replacement is a woman named Sandy whose husband's name is Kim.
(chortling)
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: I know. What are the odds? Oh.
Sheldon: Easily calculable. We begin by identifying the set of couples with unisex names. We eliminate those unqualified for restaurant work: the aged, the imprisoned and the limbless, for example. Next, we look at the...
Leonard: Sheldon. It's an amazing coincidence. Can we leave it at that?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Oh, Penny, it's as if the Cheesecake Factory is run by witches.
Penny: Ooh, Sheldon, it's as if you don't think I'll punch you.
Leonard: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard: Well, you shouldn't.
Sheldon: There's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "bazinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard: No, you're not sanding Penny.
Sheldon: Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard: Yes, you're forbidden.
Sheldon: (Squirts him) Bad Leonard.
Howard: They're called tattoo sleeves. Look. I bought them online. Raj got a set too. Fantastic, right? Put them on, have sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetery.
Howard: Hey, wanna try a country bar tomorrow night?
Raj: Yeah, maybe we'll get lucky with some sexy cowgirls.
Howard: Could happen.
Raj: I wonder how they smell.
Sheldon: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that?
Sheldon: (to himself) Interesting... Sex works even better than chocolate for modifying behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled upon that?
Sheldon: Look, Leonard, Penny made French toast.
Leonard: Sorry, I haven't given her your schedule yet.
Sheldon: It's an iCal download. She can put it right in her phone. And we agreed you'd have conjugal visits in her apartment.
Leonard: We did, but there were extenuating circumstances.
Sheldon: I see. Did her abysmal housekeeping skills finally trump her perkiness?
Leonard: No, her bed kind of broke.
Sheldon: That doesn't seem likely. Her bed's of sturdy construction. Even the addition of a second normal-sized human wouldn't cause a structural failure, much less a homunculus such as yourself.
Penny: A homunculus?
Leonard: Perfectly formed miniature human being.
Penny: Oh, you're my little homunculus.
Sheldon: Would you like a chocolate?
Penny: Um, yeah, sure. Thanks.
Leonard: What was that?
Sheldon: You said be nice to Penny. I believe offering chocolate to someone falls within the definition of "nice".
Leonard: It does. But in my experience, you don't.
Sheldon: There are more things in heaven and Earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
Leonard: Yeah, now, that's you. Obnoxious and insufferable.
Leonard: We don't have to have sex every night.
Howard: You don't, but it's highly recomended.
Howard: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Raj: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard: Okay.
(Holds hands up in surrender)
Howard: I believe a chicken made you his bitch.
Howard: (Opens book) There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"
Sheldon: Hang on.
(Leafs through book)
Sheldon: Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".
Sheldon: What was that?
Raj: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?
Howard: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
Howard: First of all...
Raj: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.
Penny: Had a little wine, take the edge off.
Leonard: Actually, ethyl alcohol inhibits electrical conduction in the nerve cells and stimulates reuptake receptors of inhibitory neurotransmitters like gamma-aminobutyric acid.
Sheldon: (to Raj) Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
(Raj stares at Sheldon)
Sheldon: That was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort.
(Raj still stares)
Sheldon: You're welcome.
Sheldon: I know! It was inappropiate of me to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of them. Right?
(Howard points to his nose)
Sheldon: Good. Now I can eat.
Penny: (seeing Leonard throwing up in the toilet) Oh, sweetie, you really can't hold your liquor, can you?
Leonard: I'm okay. Just a little mouthwash, and then I'm gonna rock your world.
(Penny starts throwing up in the sink)
Leonard: Are you okay?
(sees her throwing up, then goes back to throwing up himself)
Leonard: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be.
Howard: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed.
Raj: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.
Professor Crawley: It's a field cricket.
Howard: Yes!
Sheldon: No, wait. Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Professor Crawley: Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old. You know what they used to call me in school? "Creepy Crawley"!
Sheldon: Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Professor Crawley: Let me show you something. You see that?
(showing them a beetle in a tank)
Professor Crawley: That's a Crawley's Dung Beetle. I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rain forests, while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot-cut jeans. So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, 'cause god knows I can't! That tramp took me for everything!
Sheldon: (awkward silence) Well, apparently I was wrong.
Leonard: What are we drinking now?
Penny: Peppermint schnapps.
Leonard: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say "schnapps". Hey, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Penny: Schnapps!
Leonard: Schnapps... You're right, that *is* fun.
Penny: What did you tell them?
Leonard: Nothing bad. Just that last night was fine.
Penny: Fine? You said it was fine?
Leonard: Yeah. It's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?
Penny: It was... okay.
Leonard: Okay?
Penny: Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact. It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.
Howard: (a cricket chirps) What was that?
Sheldon: Hold on.
(Looks at watch while cricket chirps)
Sheldon: That is a snowy tree cricket.
Howard: How can you tell?
Sheldon: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
Raj: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?
Sheldon: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.
Professor Crawley: What's your deal? Are they planning to outsource my job to Bangalore?
Raj: I'm from New Delhi.
Howard: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"
Raj: Ooh. Big talk from a man who was once treed by a chicken.
Professor Crawley: I haven't even packed yet, and you're already measuring my lab for one of your godless laser machines.
Howard: No, you don't understand. We just want to ask you a question.
Professor Crawley: Let me ask you one first. What's a world renowned entomologist with a doctorate and 20 years of experience to do with his life when the university cuts off the funding for his lab, huh?
Raj: Ask rhetorical questions that make people uncomfortable?
Professor Crawley: Of course I can. I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet. Not that that's going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard. And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach. No! We're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
Howard: No, you're misunderstanding. A shiksa goddess isn't an actual goddess. You don't pray *to* them, we prey *on* them.
Raj: Whatever, dude. The point is, Leonard's got one and you don't.
Raj: (as they look for the cricket) I wonder what the non-pathetic people are doing tonight?
Professor Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket!
Sheldon: (to Howard) Told you!
Professor Crawley: No, don't bother knocking! Come right in! Why show courtesy to the world's leading expert on the dung beetle?
Raj: (as Sheldon descends down the elevator shaft) Be careful.
Sheldon: If I were not being careful, you telling me to be careful would not make me careful.
Sheldon: Did I cross a line?
Raj: Of course. You...
Howard: No, let him figure it out by himself.
Leonard: (sighs) God, I had the most horrible night.
Sheldon: What happened? Obviously another carnal fiasco with the "shiksi" goddess.
Howard: Shiksa. Shiksa. Shik-sa.
Sheldon: Forgive me. Yiddish was not spoken in East Texas. And if it was, it wasn't spoken for long.
Howard: Yeah, fine, whatever. The point is you're wrong, again.
Sheldon: We haven't established that I'm wrong once.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon: That's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick.
Penny: Oh, sorry. I don't know your sad song.
Sheldon: I don't have a sad song. I'm not a child.
Howard: Hey, how's Sheldon doing?
Leonard: Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I'd say... a little better.
Leonard: Oh, thank God we're home!
Howard: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Raj: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.
Leonard: I don't want to go to Texas!
Howard: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed the desert once. We're done!
Leonard: How about that? I finally caught a break.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You know how they say when friends have sex it can get weird?
Penny: Sure.
Leonard: Why does it have to get weird?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard: I mean, we were friends, and now we're more than friends. We're whatever this is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and...
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: It's weird.
Leonard: Totally.
(repeated line)
Leonard: (trying to get intimate with Penny) Man, I cannot catch a break!
Howard: (about his moustache) I call it the Clooney.
Raj: I call it the Mario and Luigi, but whatever.
Leonard: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan! We were going to throw his Kindle outside and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon: That seems like a bit of an overreaction!
Leonard: No. The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell "mush!"
Leonard: Will you please take that stupid hat off?
Howard: No, I want to blend in.
Raj: To what? Toy Story?
Sheldon: I realize you're currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?
Sheldon: While I do not currently have a scathing retort, you check your email periodically for a doozy.
Mary: (Sheldon is about to take some food) Ah ah! We pray in this house. This is not California, home of the heathen. Gimme.
(Sheldon somewhat reluctantly puts down the food, wipes off his hand, then takes Mary's hand)
Mary: By His hand we are all...
Sheldon: Fed.
Mary: Give us, Lord, our daily...
Sheldon: Bread.
Mary: Know that we are truly...
Sheldon: Grateful.
Mary: For every cup and every...
Sheldon: Plateful.
Mary: Amen. Now that wasn't so bad, was it, Shelly?
Mary: If you recall when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
Sheldon: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Mary: Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.
Leonard: I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
Howard: Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck. Plus it was the only boys' large they had.
Sheldon: (to his "spot" on the couch) Hello, old friend.
(Sits down)
Sheldon: Daddy's home.
Leonard: (Whispering) Do not make a sound.
Sheldon: Whispering "do not make a sound" is a sound.
Leonard: Damn his Vulcan hearing!
Leonard: Hey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, you shouldn't have. Oh, boy! What is it?
Leonard: It's a snowflake. From the North Pole.
Penny: Are you serious?
Leonard: Uh-huh. It'll last forever. I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.
Penny: Oh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand.
Sheldon: No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc ergo propter hoc... No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.
Sheldon: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know.
Howard: Actually, it was his idea.
Sheldon: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.
Sheldon: I just want you both to know when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions.
Howard: Grace.
Sheldon: And of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.
Penny: Leonard, you're back!
Leonard: Yeah, I just stopped by to...
(Penny grabs Leonard and kisses him)
Leonard: (taken completely by surprise) Yeah, so, hi.
Penny: Hi!
(Penny pulls Leonard into her apartment and slams the door)
Howard: Damn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
Raj: (sarcastically) Yeah, it was first come, first serve.
Penny: Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He's your best friend.
Leonard: Well, I already saw him naked. Come here.
Penny: No. I promise I will be here when you get back. Just go help Sheldon.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
(they kiss)
Leonard: Maybe *you* can.
Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That's why I added the "tator".
Raj: (Whispering) We have to tell him.
Sheldon: Tell me what?
Howard: Damn his Vulcan hearing.
Raj: I'm sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where's the tumbleweeds? Where's the saloons?
Leonard: Saloons?
Raj: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, Four For Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas...
Howard: This neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Raj: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
Leonard: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there.
Sheldon: This is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I'll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mary: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mary: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon: (to the others) I forgive you. Let's go home.
(leaves)
Mary: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.
Penny: You know, I do understand what you're going through.
Sheldon: Really? Did you just have the Nobel prize in waitressing stolen from you?
Leonard: Dinner's ready.
Sheldon: What are we having?
Leonard: Reconstituted Thai food.
Sheldon: Did you bring the dehydrated low-sodium soy sauce?
Leonard: Check.
Sheldon: Freeze-dried spicy mustard?
Leonard: Check.
Sheldon: Flash-frozen brown rice, not white?
Leonard: Uh, oh, sorry.
Sheldon: Not to worry. I hid it. Bazinga!
Sheldon: Howard, you will be practicing precision on the classic children's game Operation. You shall start by... removing the funny bone for $200.
Howard: And to think I went to MIT for this.
Howard: We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Sheldon: I'm still within earshot. You might want to wait for my bedroom door to close.
(sound of Sheldon's door closing)
Howard: We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Sheldon: I'm at the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?
Leonard: Easy peasy. I'm doing it right now.
Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny
Penny: (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon
(Sheldon is startled)
Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny
Penny: (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon
Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny
Penny: (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon
Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny
Penny: (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon
Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny
Penny: (knock, knock, knock) Sheldon
Sheldon: (knock, knock, knock) Penny!
Penny: What do you want?
Leonard: Sheldon, what are the words I can say right now to end this conversation and let me go back to sleep?
Sheldon: Odd. President Seibert posed the exact same question.
Leonard: How was it resolved?
Sheldon: It wasn't. His wife set their dogs on me and rendered the question moot..
Howard: Just imagine, if he accepts the offer, we could have an entire summer without Sheldon.
Raj: We could play outside.
Howard: We could sit on the left side of the couch.
Leonard: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.
Raj: Our dreams are small, aren't they?
Penny: Have a safe trip. Goodbye.
(closing the door)
Penny: It means I wish you weren't going.
Sheldon: Leonard, you may be right. It appears that Penny secretly wants you in her life in a very intimate and carnal fashion.
Leonard: You really think so?
Sheldon: Of course not. Even in my sleep-deprived state, I've managed to pull off another one of my classic pranks... Bazinga.
Leonard: Sheldon, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sheldon: (waking up) I want another cookie, Meemaw.
Leonard: It's just me
Sheldon: But Meemaw was just making cookies.
Leonard: (At the North Pole) Darn it!
Howard: What?
Leonard: We're out of ice.
Sheldon: I'm a theoretical physicist. A career I chose in no small part because it's indoors. But if I'm able to detect slow-moving magnetic monopoles there, I will be the scientist who confirmed string theory. And people will write books about me. Third graders will create macaroni-art dioramas depicting scenes from my life.
Penny: Sheldon says you're going to the North Pole.
Leonard: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
Penny: Yeah. I'm just a little surprised you didn't tell me.
Leonard: Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.
Penny: Oh, hey, no, you don't have to apologize. There's no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.
Mrs. Koothrappali: If your friends all jumped into the Bay of Bengal and tried to swim to Sri Lanka, would you do it?
Raj: If you were behind me nagging, I would.
Leonard: She didn't seem that upset that I was going.
Sheldon: No. Did you think she was upset?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Oh, good. I got one right. Are you upset?
Leonard: A little.
Sheldon: Two for two. I'm on fire.
Leonard: I know she's not my girlfriend or anything, but don't you think she'd feel a little bad that I'd be gone for the whole summer?
Sheldon: That feels like a bonus question. I'm going to stop right here and say I've had a great time.
Raj: I'm a Hindu. My religion says that if we suffer in this life, we are rewarded in the next. Three months in the North Pole with Sheldon, and I'm reincarnated as a well-hung millionaire with wings.
Sheldon: Did Han Solo give up when Luke was lying in the frozen planet of Hoth? No! He slit open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to keep warm.
Howard: You heard the man. Hold him down while I cut him open.
(a comment Penny made has given Leonard second thoughts about going on the Arctic expedition)
Sheldon: Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable.
Leonard: Yes, obviously.
Sheldon: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.
Leonard: Yes, okay, but I'm gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn't miss me that long and she meets someone else?
Sheldon: She does have a short attention span.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, what time is it?
Leonard: It's 7 a.m. I'm sorry it's early, but we're leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard: What did you mean when you said you're going to miss me?
Penny: Um, I don't know. You'll be gone and I'll notice.
Leonard: Okay, well, um, what about this? What does this mean?
Penny: Wine, credit card and late night television are a bad combination.
Leonard: All right, fine. What about that really long hug? What did that mean?
Penny: That wasn't a long hug.
Leonard: It was at least five Mississippis. A standard hug is two Mississippis tops.
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you. It was just a hug.
Leonard: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: Okay, have a safe trip.
Leonard: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Okay, bye.
(Behind her door)
Penny: Means I wish you weren't going.
Penny: Well, I got you a little going away present.
Leonard: Oh, a blanket.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, not just a blanket. See, it has sleeves. Yeah! So, you can, you know, be all snoodled up while you do your science stuff.
Leonard: Oh, wow, cool.
Penny: Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
(Long hug)
Penny: See you later.
Leonard: Wait a minute! He offered to send you to the North Pole?
Sheldon: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said "frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would."
Leonard: (Corrects chart) There. How's that.
Sheldon: You actually had it right the first time. Once again, you have fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Howard: (to Rajesh) There's not time for a crossbow. Get me an icicle.
Raj: What are you working on?
Howard: Crossbow.
Sheldon: Oh, boy.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I can't comment without violating our agreement that I don't criticize your work.
Leonard: Then what was "Oh, boy"?
Sheldon: Great restraint on my part.
Mrs. Koothrappali: I told you, no. Why don't you believe me?
Debbie Wolowitz: 'Cause it doesn't make sense to me. How can it be that in the entire country of India, there isn't one Outback Steakhouse?
Penny: He's very shy; how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?
Leonard: Well, first of all, don't underestimate the value of discomfort.
Penny: Really?
Leonard: Yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure. That's why he works in a comic book store.
Raj: Interesting, Penny's current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.
Leonard: Yeah, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj.
Howard: Hey, you wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard: I'm listening.
Howard: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.
Sheldon: I think you're overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you're building.
Howard: Sheldon, I know what I'm doing.
Sheldon: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn't be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.
Raj: Howard, wait. Why don't you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?
Howard: Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Raj: Is that what that's for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese.
(turning to Sheldon)
Raj: Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.
Sheldon: Excuse me, Stuart, have you read the new Flash?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon: Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.
Howard: Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but *this*, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
Raj: You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?
Sheldon: Yaeh, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.
(shakes his head)
Sheldon: Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.
Leonard: No, no that's the past. I'm really more of a right now kind of guy. You know, living in the moment. Although I do have to live a little in the future, 'cause, well, that's my job. Of course, my fondness for classic science fiction does draw my attention backwards, but those stories often take place in the future. In conclusion, no, it doesn't bother me.
Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me! Spoiler alert!
Stuart: But I didn't spoil anything.
Sheldon: You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown, and once a mind is *pre*-blown, it cannot be *re*-blown.
Stuart: I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Said the Grinch to Christmas.
Sheldon: Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books.
(takes a deep breath)
Sheldon: Oh, yes!
Howard: They're on me today, boys.
Raj: You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Leonard: No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Raj: Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.
Leonard: Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Howard: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard: Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Raj: He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.
Sheldon: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
Howard: (on the phone with NASA) Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.
Penny: What's classified?
Leonard: Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.
Howard: (hanging up and sitting down to eat) Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.
Sheldon: I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.
(Sheldon smirks at Howard)
Sheldon: That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.
Leonard: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.
Raj: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?
Raj: It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around.
Howard: (motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet) Speaking of what goes around comes around...
Penny: What the hell is that?
Howard: Meatloaf.
Leonard: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Howard: That's classified.
Sheldon: You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message! If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon: At times.
Sheldon: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your Master's degree.
Howard: Alright, this is an exact duplicate of the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Disposal System as deployed on the International Space Station.
Raj: Don't you mean the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Distribution System?
Sheldon: My mother says that when we deceive for personal gain... we make Jesus cry.
(Howard's space toilet has supposedly been fixed)
Astronaut: Houston, uh, International Space Station. We have a little situation up here. We'd like to make an unscheduled space walk.
Ground Controller: ISS, Houston. Which crew members would be involved in this EVA?
Astronaut: Houston, we'd *all* like to step outside for a few minutes.
Ground Controller: ISS, I'm afraid we can't authorize that.
Astronaut: Uh, Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.
Howard: Where you going?
Leonard: Comic book store.
Sheldon: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Raj: Me too.
Howard: Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon: Why does Leonard get to go?
Howard: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard: I got your back, sister.
Howard: Guys, we have a code red.
Sheldon: You mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or Code Red the cherry flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?
Howard: Look, I was going over the schematics on my Zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny-tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.
Leonard: How teeny-tiny?
Howard: It's gonna fail after about ten flushes.
Sheldon: But the mission is for six months.
Howard: Yeah, see, that's the code red! It's kind of like a jack in the box. No one knows exactly when, but at some point, something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.
Sheldon: Have you notified NASA?
Howard: No! You crazy? What am I gonna say, "I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there's gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station"?
Leonard: What are you gonna do?
Howard: I'm gonna figure out how to fix it, then I'll tell them.
Leonard: So what do you need us for?
Raj: He can't figure out how to fix it.
Howard: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.
Raj: I'm trying. But you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny!
Raj: If you really want to clean up your karma, go get my frickin' latte.
Raj: What happened with Leslie? Why did she dump you?
Howard: I don't know. She just said, "Howard, Mama's a rolling stone."
Howard: Cut the crap. You set this up, didn't you?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: She's a hooker, isn't she?
Raj: A prostitute, yes.
Howard: You already gave her the money?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Thank you.
Raj: I'm telling you, Leonard, video slots, free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid, all you can eat shrimp for $3.95? Disneyland can suck it. This is the real happiest place on Earth.
Sheldon: (Howard is crying after Leslie dumps him) I don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship, then why are you having what appears to be an emotional response?
Leonard: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
Howard: Of course I had feelings for her. I saw her naked, for God's sake.
Raj: We should have a plan, in case one of us gets lucky.
Leonard: Okay. If I get lucky, I'll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham city. And, if you get lucky, I'll sleep on the moon.
Raj: Sounds like a plan.
Sheldon: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?
Penny: Of course it's making me uncomfortable! Can't you tell?
Sheldon: I really have no idea. I don't particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body langu...
Penny: I'm uncomfortable, Sheldon!
Sheldon: Thank you, that's very helpful.
Sheldon: I believe it's my turn. You may begin your questions whenever you're ready.
Raj: Are you Spock?
Sheldon: I don't like this game.
Raj: (Thinking of ways to cheer up Howard) It's too bad he wasn't here for that hooker. She's exactly his type. A hooker.
Howard: (cell phone ringing) Leslie Winkle. Ahem. You've reached Friends with Benefits. For a booty call, press 1 now.
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?
Leonard: No. Look, imagine you maintained a friendship with someone you had sex with, but you were free to date whoever you wanted.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I can't imagine any of that.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch?
Penny: Well, it wasn't the first suggestion that came to mind, but it's the one I'm going with.
Sheldon: I can't sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given its dimensions, I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering's beloved children's book "The Tall Man from Cornwall".
Penny: What?
Sheldon: (in rhyming couplets) There was a tall man from Cornwall/Whose length exceeded his bed/My body fits on it/But barely upon it/There's no room for my big Cornish head.
Raj: What do you say, Howard?
Howard: I say, Vegas, baby!
Raj: What are you gonna tell your mother?
Howard: Sea World, baby!
Sheldon: What exactly does that expression mean, "friends with benefits"? Does he provide her with health insurance?
Sheldon: You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems, such as alcoholism, gambling addiction, and sexually-transmitted diseases.
Raj: Is it me, or was that Sheldon's way of saying "Vegas, baby!"?
Leonard: Are you coming?
Sheldon: I'd rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.
Leonard: Great, we'll bring you back a T-shirt.
Sheldon: A perfect culinary representation of the freedom this evening holds. Not only is it Indian cuisine, which Koothrappali loathes, it contains a generous helping of peanuts which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97-pound blister. And finally, its main ingredient is paneer - a farmer's cheese that would cause Leonard to render any room uninhabitable within minutes.
(Penny and Sheldon are trying to make small talk while eating)
Sheldon: How was your day?
Penny: Well, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are gonna be a little different...
Sheldon: I'm sorry, that's not going to interest me at all, just eat.
Howard: I'm going back to the room.
(walks away)
Mikayla: Boy, would it maybe kill them to put out a nice brisket?
Howard: (Howard stops in his tracks, turns around and comes back) Hi there, Howard Wolowitz.
Mikayla: Esther Rosenblatt.
Penny: I just remembered where the emergency key is.
Sheldon: Where?
Penny: In your apartment.
Sheldon: What's it doing in my apartment?
Penny: I went in there a few weeks ago, and you guys weren't home and I forgot it there.
Sheldon: You went in my...? Why would...? What are you saying?
Penny: It's not a big deal. I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.
Sheldon: You're the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy, but I knew that carton felt lighter.
Sheldon: While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
Penny: That's Superman's big ice thingy, right?
Sheldon: You know, I'm in such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.
Penny: (Sheldon has locked himself out of his apartment) I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
Sheldon: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?
Sheldon: I left them in the bowl.
Mikayla: You want the girlfriend experience.
Leonard: Yes. Yeah, exactly, the girlfriend experience.
Raj: Actually, if it's not too much to ask, could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience.
Penny: What's wrong, Superman? Locked out of your big ice thingy?
Howard: (about Leslie's Facebook page) Look at her status update. She's saying she dumped me; people need to know I dumped her.
Raj: But she did dump you.
Howard: Grow up, Raj. There's no place for truth on the Internet.
Howard: Are you from the Star Wars universe?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Were you in the original trilogy?
Leonard: Yes.
Howard: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
Leonard: God, I hope not. And no, I'm not Princess Leia.
Raj: OK, OK, my turn. Are you in all six Star Wars movies?
Leonard: Yes.
Raj: Interesting. Are you a droid?
Leonard: Yes.
Raj: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?
Leonard: Yes!
Raj: C-3PO!
Leonard: You got it!
Sheldon: (talking and moving in a manner reminiscent of C-3PO) That's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I just don't see it.
(after Penny lets Sheldon stay over when he locks himself out of his apartment)
Leonard: What were you doing at Penny's?
Sheldon: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you'll be happy to know that I now have a *much* better understanding of "friends with benefits."
Howard: There's no place for truth on the internet.
Sheldon: Penny, I realize you're also on your own tonight so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.
Stuart: You can throw all the French around you want, it doesn't make you right.
Sheldon: Au contraire.
(Sheldon moans)
Leonard: Problem?
Sheldon: This is Thai food.
Howard: Here we go.
Sheldon: We don't have Thai food on Thursday, we have pizza on Thursday.
Leonard: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be anything-can-happen Thursday.
Sheldon: Well, apparently the news didn't reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of anything-can-happen Thursday.
Sheldon: (Penny is asleep) Don't wake her. She'll maul you like a rabid wolverine.
Raj: Barkeep, Alexander me.
Howard: I'm a horny engineer, Leonard. I never joke about math or sex.
Penny: What would you recommend as a present for a 13-year old boy?
Stuart: Um, a 13-year old girl?
Howard: I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard: Fine. I'll sit here; you take flight and hunt.
Howard: Don't be ridiculous; you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt.
Leonard: Actually you *can*! There's a whole sport built around it. Falconry.
Leonard: Hey, Howard?.. Take me to a bar with women.
Howard: Really?
Leonard: Yeah.
Howard: Okay. Let me just go inside and slip off my underwear.
Leonard: Why?
Howard: Well, if I get lucky, I don't wanna be caught in my Aquaman briefs.
Leonard: Hey Stuart, this is Penny. She's just looking for some comic books.
Stuart: Oh really, wow.
(to Penny)
Stuart: Blink twice if you're here against your will.
Penny: Oh, hey, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew's birthday?
Sheldon: No, I think you mean comic books. Comics are feeble attempts at humor featuring talking babies and anthropomorphized pets found traditionally in the optimistically named "funny pages".
Penny: Leonard, pick me up comics for my nephew's birthday?
Leonard: Sure. What does he like?
Penny: I don't know, just pick out anything.
Sheldon: Just pick out anything? Maybe we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size? Or pick out his career without knowing his aptitude? Or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements? Or his feelings about little marshmallows?
Howard: (introducing Leonard to a bar) First we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak, the old and the lame.
Penny: You know, it's kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something?
Stuart: Oh, gee. It's a little late for coffee, isn't it?
Penny: Oh... you think coffee means coffee. That is so sweet.
Stuart: Look Sheldon, it's late, I've gotta get some sleep.
Sheldon: So I win.
Stuart: No, I'm tired.
Sheldon: So I win.
Stuart: Fine, you win.
Sheldon: Darn tootin' I win.
Howard: In bars all across this great nation of ours Thursday night is Ladies' Night, which means as the evening progresses we will get better looking courtesy of ninety-nine cent margaritas and two-for-one Jello shots.
Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.
Howard: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?
Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?
Howard: Yeah, that one.
(Sheldon and Howard grab the same comic book)
Howard: Let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Why should I let it go, I saw it first?
Howard: Yes, but I saw it from the front.
Sheldon: A far less impressive feat.
Sheldon: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard: Apparently so.
Sheldon: Are you ill?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: All right. Then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard: When did you pick up on that!
Sheldon: A moment ago when you turned off the TV in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.
Leonard: Should we talk to some of these women?
Howard: No, it's way too early in the night for that. See, first we let the lawyers and the jocks thin the herd, and then we go after the weak and the old and the lame.
Leonard: That's your system?
Howard: That's my system. Oh, and if you spot a chick with a Seeing Eye dog, she's mine.
Leonard: Sheldon, we agreed we'd do something different tonight.
Sheldon: All right. Let's go to the comic book store.
Raj: We went to the comic book store last night.
Sheldon: Last night was Wednesday; Wednesday *is* comic book night. Tonight we'll be going on Thursday because it's anything-can-happen Thursday.
Leonard: Way to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon.
Howard: (Raj is making out with a large lady) Lucky bastard. It's gotta be that stupid accent of his.
(to a lady in an Indian accent)
Howard: Hello, I'm Sumjay Wolowitz from Bombay.
(she walks away)
Howard: OK, I'm stumped.
Penny: (after entering a comic book store loudly) Everbody is staring at me.
Leonard: Don't worry. They're more scared of you than you are of them.
Penny: Unlikely.
Howard: (sitting in the bar) I'm not sitting here with a guy drinking a grasshopper with a little umbrella.
Raj: Fine. I'll have a Chocolate martini.
Howard: Wrong, again.
Raj: Come on, you know I can't talk to women unless I'm lit up like the Hindu festival of Devali.
Howard: Look, there are plenty of bars in Los Angeles where you can order grasshoppers and chocolate martinis but you wouldn't have to because there are no women in them.
Raj: Gotcha. I'll have a Brandy Alexander.
Stuart: Here, Sheldon. I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.
Stuart: But I didn't spoil anything.
Sheldon: You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.
Sheldon: Well, I've spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.
Stuart: Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What's the topic?
Sheldon: I am asserting, in the event that Batman's death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.
Stuart: Ooh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.
Sheldon: Has to be? Has to be? I hope you're being deliberately provocative
Leonard: I just wannna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Sheldon: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self employed and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.
Penny: What exactly is he doing up there?
Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrapali setting up her stereo.
Penny: Oh, they're all up there are they? Typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her at her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstratively fallacious.
Penny: Okay, *now* I see the giant squid head.
Howard: I got it, you're angry. You don't want to see your little bird leave the nest.
Debbie Wolowitz: Little bird? You're almost 30. Fly for God's sake!
Penny: OK, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I've never met them, that's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls, there's no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors... they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape... and without that annoying ammonia urine smell.
Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that! How can you possibly know that?
Penny: You're right, I can't. You know what, anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp... yeah, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.
Sheldon: (after hearing Penny mimic Alicia) Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I've been working on Admiral Ackbar from "Return of the Jedi". "It's a trap!" You have to imagine me with a giant squid head.
Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken and broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu specifies shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: You stop at the green grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Good. See how it's done, Leonard?
Alicia: I just got a call-back to audition for CSI to play a hooker who gets killed.
Leonard: Oh, I'd watch that.
Penny: Dead whore on TV, live one in real life.
Sheldon: You know, Penny, there is something that occurs in beehives that you might find interesting. Occasionally a new queen bee will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
Penny: What are you saying? That I'm threatened by Alicia, that I'm like the old queen of the hive and it's just time for me to go?
Sheldon: I'm just taking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are you talking about?
Sheldon: Do you honestly expect me to believe social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move and then he only need buy us a pizza?
Leonard: I'm sorry, that really is how it works.
Howard: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard: So there is a number.
Leonard: (Sheldon shakes one of the boxes of the new tenant) What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm checking for musical instruments.
(Shakes the box again)
Sheldon: Does that sound like castanets to you?
Leonard: The box says "kitchen".
Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write "cocaine" on the box?
Raj: I like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.
Sheldon: Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
Leonard: Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.
Raj: Great. So I can take them both out with a number 2 pencil?
Sheldon: May I interject something here?
Penny: Please!
Sheldon: You got the wrong mustard.
Howard: (Penny and Alicia are physically fighting) Oh, my God... girl fight!
(Restrains Leonard)
Leonard: What are you doing?
Howard: I know you. You are stupid enough to break it up.
Penny: Leonard and Howard and Raj... they aren't like other guys. They're special.
Alicia: Ok. They are special... and?
Penny: Let's see... how can I explain this? They don't know how to use their shields.
Alicia: Shields?
Penny: Yeah... you know like in Star Trek when you are in battle and you raise the shields?
(pause)
Penny: Where the hell'd that come from?
(Sheldon delivers a package to Penny)
Sheldon: (Presents clip board) Excuse me! You have to sign this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I am fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penny: Sheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones!
Sheldon: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penny: It means nothing to anybody!
Penny: (about the website Leonard designed for Penny's business) It seems a little juvenile. It looks like the MySpace page of a thirteen year-old girl.
Leonard: No it doesn't!
Howard: Dateline could use it to attract predators.
(Leonard, Howard, and Raj are playing "Secret Agent LASER Obstacle Chess")
Howard: Hey! You know what would be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play LASER obstacle strip chess.
Leonard: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that you don't want to see naked.
Howard: You underestimate me.
Leonard: All right, what's wrong with it?
Sheldon: What's wrong with it?
Leonard: Not from you!
Sheldon: Look at Planck's Constant. People say it's arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that's not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we're being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let's call it universe prime, there's another Sheldon, let's call him Sheldon prime...
Penny: We should have let him go to bed.
Leonard: Bam.
Sheldon: (after timing how long it took Penny to make a decorative hair barrette) Based on your cost in materials and your wholesale selling price, you'll effectively be paying yourself five dollars and nineteen cents a day.
Penny: A day?
Sheldon: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who out-earn you.
Sheldon: (to Penny) Are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honore Blanc's 1778 use of interchangeable parts?
(long pause)
Sheldon: The assembly line, of course.
Sheldon: Coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.
Sheldon: (How Sheldon knocks on Penny's door, without a pause: knock-knock-knock) Penny!
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Penny!
(knock-knock-knock)
Sheldon: Penny!
Sheldon: (Talking about Penny's proposed home-based business) If you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.
Penny: And you know about that stuff?
Sheldon: (patronizing) Penny - I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon: (with facial tic) I have a working knowledge of the _important_ things in the universe.
Leonard: I'm sorry guys, but secret agent laser obstacle lunch is just stupid.
Penny: Look, I started a business.
Sheldon: Obviously not a cleaning business.
Raj: You know if I wanted to spend my Saturday nights doing this, I could have stayed in India.
Leonard: Oh, stop with the fake Third World crap. Your father is a gynecologist, and you had a house full of servants.
Raj: He only had four servants, and two of them were children.
Sheldon: Camouflaging bald spots is primarily a male concern. Perhaps we could expand our market.
Penny: How are flower barrettes gonna appeal to men?
Howard: We add Bluetooth!
Sheldon: Brilliant! Men love Bluetooth!
Penny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
Sheldon: Penny - Everything is better with Bluetooth.
Sheldon: Before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
Penny: Yeah, it's a bitch!
Howard: (Inspecting bottle of glitter) Ah, I've seen this before.
Penny: Where?
Howard: It's a common stripper problem: they dance, they sweat, they clump.
Penny: Eww.
Leonard: Are you thinking of adding a desiccant like calcium sulfate?
Howard: Actually, I'm thinking about this one stripper named Vega.
Sheldon: Let's begin with the premise that everything you've done up to this point is wrong.
Penny: Oh, imagine that.
Sheldon: Sarcasm. Good bye.
Penny: No, sorry, wait, please come back, come back.
Penny: Okay, you know what, if I'm not allowed to be snide, you are not allowed to be condescending.
Sheldon: That wasn't a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now!
Howard: Leonard died again, Sheldon. You're up.
Sheldon: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers, and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: Because it's almost 11:00.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So Penny has a "don't knock on my door before 11:00 or I punch you in the throat" rule.
Penny: If this takes off I won't have to be a waitress anymore.
Sheldon: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?
Penny: Another waitress?
Sheldon: What's her name?
Penny: I don't know.
Sheldon: And you're going to let her handle my food?
Penny: Nancy. Her name is Nancy.
Sheldon: I think you're just making that up!
Penny: How the hell are we gonna make a thousand Penny Blossoms
(Penny's hair product)
Penny: in one day?... I'm gonna have to call them and cancel that order.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Penny: I just don't see how we can pull this off.
Sheldon: That, right there! That equivocation and self-doubt. That is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
Howard: They didn't give up, they were massacred! By like a gazillion angry Mexicans!
Sheldon: (Talking about Penny's home business) Ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is 2,600 dollars.
Penny: That's all?
Sheldon: Before taxes.
Penny: Well, I don't have to pay taxes on this stuff.
Sheldon: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree.
Howard: Hi. I'm the small package good things come in.
Howard: Do you believe him? Normally around women he has the personality of a boiled potato. Put one beer in him, and he's M. Night Charmalarmalan.
Penny: Have a good flight.
Leonard: Yean, I wish.
Sheldon: We're not flying; we're taking the train.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard: Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.
Penny: Well then, why are you doing it?
Leonard: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane; Sheldon voted for train; so, we're taking the train.
Sheldon: It's Sheldon.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?
Sheldon: I'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a train. Were you even listening to me?
Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what's up?
Sheldon: What's up? I'll tell you what's up. I'm in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be...
Leonard: Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It's Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
Leonard: He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favor.
Penny: Okay, I found the box. Now what?
Sheldon: You're holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. Okay, first locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the center portion one millimeter to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimeters. You'll hear a slight click.
Penny: Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
Sheldon: No, it's a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Did you hear the click?
Penny: Not yet.
(she sets the box on the floor and stomps on it)
Penny: There it is.
Leonard: This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.
Penny: Oh, my God! *The* George Smoot?
Leonard: Ah, you've heard of him?
Penny: Of course I haven't.
Sheldon: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.
Penny: It's kind of a funny name, though. "Smoot".
Sheldon: (to the others) It's like talking to chimp.
Penny: Okay, I got a box, but there's no key in here, just letters.
Sheldon: That's the wrong box. Put it back.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon, are these letters from your grandmother?
Sheldon: Don't read those letters!
Sheldon: Oh look, she calls you Moonpie. That is so cute.
Sheldon: I'm confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.
Howard: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.
Sheldon: All right.
Howard: That's Summer Glau.
Sheldon: Yes.
Howard: That's it.
Sheldon: I'm back.
Penny: What up, Moonpie?
Sheldon: No one calls me Moonpie but Meemaw.
Sheldon: (after forgetting his flash drive) Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster!
Leonard: There's nothing you can do about it, so relax. Sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails!
Sheldon: (in rhythm with the wheels) You-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive...
Leonard: (looking at his watch) Only 10 hours, 55 minutes to go.
Sheldon: I forgot my flash drive!
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So we have to go back!
Leonard: Ok, Sheldon, I'm gonna say "why?" and your answer cannot be "because I forgot my flash drive".
Leonard: Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Sheldon: Oh, I hate when that happens!
Howard: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance; I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Raj: Oh, please. When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Sheldon: So I'm thinking, you won the Nobel Prize, what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of "what has Smoot done lately?" My thought is we continue my research as a team; you know: Cooper-Smoot - alphabetical - and when we win the Nobel Prize, you'll be back on top.
Dr. George Smoot: With all due respect, Doctor Cooper, are you on crack?
(he walks away)
Sheldon: Fine, Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva.
Sheldon: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot! Ahh!
Leonard: At least he's off the train crap.
Sheldon: Whee!
Howard: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Raj: Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Howard: You're overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: My money's on tuck and roll.
Penny: I love San Francisco; I wish I was going with you.
Sheldon: I understand your envy; this is a can't-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a round-table on the non-equilibrium green function approach to the photo-ionization process in atoms.
Penny: When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable-cars.
Sheldon: Okay, now you're going to insert the flash drive into the USB port... She calls me Moonpie because I'm nummy-nummy and she could just eat me up... Now please, put the flash drive in the USB port... The one that looks like a little duck's mouth.
Leonard: Hi, Penny, it's Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Doctor Wackadoodle?
Leonard: He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words "Penny", "Sheldon", "please", or "favor".
Howard: It's hot in here. Must be Summer.
Howard: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six Torx screwdriver.
Sheldon: Stop! We can't do this; it's not right.
Raj: Sheldon, you have two choices; either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon: But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer; he offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard: Okay, then we won't touch the hard drive; we'll just erase the first season of 'Battlestar'.
Sheldon: (Tears off orange seal) There, we're outlaws.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then, what difference does it make?
Sheldon: What difference does it make?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my spot, in an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: (blank stare) What?
Leonard: Don't sit in his spot.
Penny: Fine.
(changes spots)
Penny: Happy?
Sheldon: I'm not unhappy.
(Sheldon exits)
Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.
Penny: There, nice and comfy, cozy. 0-0-0.
Sheldon: There's one more 0. You forgot the time perimeter.
Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
(sniffs the couch, slowly sits, for barely an instant)
Sheldon: Nope.
Penny: What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?
Leonard: Nothing! It's what's wrong with him!
Penny: It's exactly the same...
Leonard: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
Sheldon: More?
Leonard: I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
Sheldon: Yes, from Szechwan Palace.
Leonard: Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.
Sheldon: What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Leonard: Golden Dragon.
Sheldon: (Sheldon drops into the spot) No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
Leonard: Yeah, well before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Sheldon: But - oh this changes everything.
Leonard: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
Sheldon: What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up right?
Leonard: Yeah, I wish I had.
Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: Yeah, buddy?
Sheldon: I still don't like this cushion.
Penny: Oooh, is this one of those paintball guns?
Leonard: Yeah, you ought to come with use sometime.
Penny: Oh, no thanks. I'm from Nebraska; when we shoot things it's because we want to eat 'em or make 'em leave our boyfriends alone.
(to Leslie, Howard and Raj)
Leonard: Where are you going?
Leslie Winkle: Surrender, then Denny's.
Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then what difference does it make?
Sheldon: What difference does it make?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Don't sit in his spot.
Raj: (the guys just found out that Howard has been hooking up with Leslie) Plus you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude!
Leonard: The rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
Howard: OK, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not, and that's delightful!
Leslie Winkle: Where's the rest of your squad?
Howard: Uh, they left me here to die. What about yours?
Leslie Winkle: Dead... all of 'em.
Howard: Sorry.
Leslie Winkle: Don't be. It was friendly fire.
(Blows on her paintgun barrel)
Leslie Winkle: They just wouldn't listen.
(before the paintball match)
Sheldon: There's just one thing before we start.
Leonard: What is it, Sheldon?
(Sheldon shoots Penny with his paintball gun)
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon: That was for my cushion!
Leonard: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope!
Sheldon: I'm sorry, Leonard, but revenge is a dish best served cold.
Penny: Screw that!
(Penny shoots Sheldon)
Sheldon: She can't shoot me, she's dead!
Leonard: (to Penny) He's right, you can't.
(shoots Sheldon himself)
Sheldon: Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy...
(shoots Leonard)
Leslie Winkle: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
Howard: That's great, Leslie, thanks.
Leslie Winkle: You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Meow!
Raj: What was all that about?
Howard: Oh, uh, no big deal, they gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, but what's with the "back scratching" and the "meow."
Sheldon: I believe the "back scratching" metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to second party in compensation for a similar action.
Leonard: (sarcastically) Thank you.
Sheldon: The "meow." That sounded to me like an African civet cat.
Leonard: Are you done?
Sheldon: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat, is not a true cat.
(pause)
Sheldon: Now I'm done.
Raj: You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Howard wasn't making a back scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
Leonard: What about it, Howard?
Howard: Okay, I didn't want to say anything, cause I know you and Leslie have a little... history.
Leonard: I don't care about that.
Howard: Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.
Leonard: You and Leslie?
Howard: In the paintball shed! Twice!
Sheldon: Is that why you didn't cover our escape, and let us get cut down like animals?
Howard: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court martial offense.
Howard: Court martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with!
(pause)
Howard: I mean for free.
Sheldon: (Holding the latest issue of The Flash) Hello, Fastest Man Alive. Wanna see me read your entire comic book?
(Flips quickly through comic)
Sheldon: Wanna see it again?
Leonard: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard: (to Penny) Wackadoodle.
Howard: You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.
(to Raj)
Howard: Get up.
(places Raj's cushion in Sheldon's spot)
Howard: There, problem solved.
(Raj whispers in Howard's ear)
Howard: Nobody cares where you're gonna sit, you're not crazy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in it's place, would that be problem solved?
Leonard: If it were your head, it would be.
Howard: I'm busy, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Too busy to help your mother with her zipper?
Howard: Don't come in, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why not?
Leslie Winkle: (Yelling as loud as his mother) He's got company!
Howard: (Holding his chest) Oh, there's the arrhythmia.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Is she Jewish?
Howard: (quietly) Are you Jewish?
Leslie Winkle: (quietly) No.
Howard: (shouting) Yes!
Penny: (Penny turns over the sofa cushion to hide the paint spot on Sheldon's seat) There! Looks fine, right?
Leonard: Mmm... butt print. There's not discernible butt print.
Penny: Oh, come on.
(Sits on cushion)
Penny: There! Butt print.
Leonard: It's too small and too... perfect.
Penny: Thank you!
Sheldon: I have no faith in your dry cleaner.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: Did you notice the sign on his counter? He's not a full-time dry cleaner. He also makes keys.
Leonard: Oh, for God's sake, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Focus is important. Was Michael DeBakey a wedding planner in between heart transplants? Did Alexander Fleming moonlight as a hairdresser? "Thanks for discovering penicillin. Now how about we try a bouffant?"
Howard: (phone rings) Ooh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight. Hey, baby...
Penny: (to Leonard) His right hand is calling him?
Leonard: (trying to tell Sheldon that Penny accidentally made a mess of his cushion) You know what the best thing about friends is?
Sheldon: They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?
Leonard: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
Penny: You know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair, so...
Leonard: Don't you dare, missy!
Penny: Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it's only for a week. Can't you be a little bit flexible?
(Leonard, Howard, Raj and Sheldon all look at her)
Penny: Yeah, sorry, I didn't really think that through.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Penny: (after unsuccessfully trying to clean the paint off Sheldon's seat) What are we going to do?
Leonard: We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now you are you, and you are screeewwwed!
Howard: That was close.
Raj: God, I love the smell of paintballs in the morning.
Howard: Yeah, still funny, Raj.
Sheldon: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverly: I doubt it! But if anyone has a chance, it's probably you.
Beverly: Your Uncle Floyd died.
Leonard: Oh my God! What happened?
Beverly: His heart stopped beating.
Sheldon: So what do you think?
Beverly: I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
Sheldon: Normally, I'd feel the same way, but based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.
Beverly: True. I've had a similar observation. Certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.
Beverly: I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuro-scientific researcher in me.
Sheldon: You see right through me, don't you?
Beverly: Only when you're in a cat scanner.
(both laugh, Beverly snorts)
Beverly: (later)
(Sheldon and Beverly are dual singing "Any Way You Want It" on Rock Band 2)
Sheldon: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj: Yeah, you're like the Jar-Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard: (Imitating Jar-jar) Oh, meesa think yousa lookin' so-so sad.
Leonard: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard: (imitating JarJar Binks) Next time, don't yousa bring momma to work, Okee-day?
(Raj and Howard laugh)
Leonard: (Leonard's mother comes back) That was fast.
Beverly: Oh, the middle stall was occupied, I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon: It's totally understandable. In bladder voiding as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Beverly: So where were we?
Leonard: (to his mother) Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Well, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological clich?.
Howard: It's just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard: Say what?
(Raj whispers in Howard's ear)
Howard: That's basically what I just said!
Leonard: (to Raj) You brought your husband to work, you know the rules.
(imitating JarJar Binks)
Leonard: Meesa thinkin' yousa lookin' pretty sad now too, betcha betcha.
Leonard: You can't let her get into your head.
Penny: My head? What about yours?
Leonard: It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.
Beverly: (to Sheldon) Your unwillingness to accept empirical evidence suggests an attempt at flattery.
Leonard: You want to talk about not getting love from a parent - you know what I used to do when I was little for some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard: Course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was going to say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard: Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and I built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard: My father used to borrow it.
Penny: (Beverly is staring at the elevator) It's out of order.
everly: Yes, I can read the sign; I'm just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.
Penny: Wait, wait, she's not gonna come here looking for you, is she?
Leonard: Relax. She took Sheldon to the hospital to get a brain scan.
Penny: Oh, my God. What happened?
Leonard: Nothing. Mother likes looking at brains and Sheldon likes getting his brain scanned.
Penny: Geez, what a fun couple.
Leonard: She's only been here a day and a half and I'm seriously considering alcoholism as a new career path.
Penny: Hey, I talked to her for five minutes yesterday and I've been half bombed ever since.
Leonard: You can't let her get into your head.
Penny: My head, what about yours?
Leonard: It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.
Sheldon: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverly: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon: It's surprising because I generally don't feel comfortable around - well, anyone.
Beverly: Nor I.
Sheldon: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverly: Is that a rhetorical point, or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon: I'd like to do the math.
Beverly: I'd like that, too.
Penny: (Leonard knocks on Penny's door) Hi.
Leonard: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard: Yup.
Penny: (holds out bottle) C'mon in.
Beverly: I have to urinate.
Sheldon: I have the same problem with him. My theory is that his lack of focus stems from an over-developed sex drive.
Beverly: Oh, I don't know where he would've gotten that. Aside from a pro forma consummation of our marriage, his father and I only had intercourse for the purposes of reproduction.
Sheldon: That seems a fairly efficient arrangement.
Sheldon: He's holding the phone to his left ear. Ears do not cross hemispheres, so he's using the analytical rather than the emotional side of the brain, suggesting that he has no personal relationship with the caller.
Leonard: No, I didn't realize it had been so long... Sure, I guess there's no other choice but just to go ahead and do it.
Sheldon: He's referrng to an activity he has done before. It's unpleasant and needs to be repeated. This suggests some sort of invasive medical test like perhaps a colonoscopy.
Leonard: Aren't there any other options? There's not a lot of room. It's going to be uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Yes, yes, I'm definitely going with colonoscopy.
Leonard: Okay, bye.
(Leonard looks up to see everyone looking at him)
Leonard: My mother's coming to visit.
Howard: (to Sheldon) How about that, you were right.
Penny: You know, I've always been curious, what was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverly: Oh, I think you mean young. He's always been little.
Beverly: If you want to have intercourse with that girl, find out what kind of cologne her father wore.
Leonard: Here's your tea, Mother.
Beverly: Oolong?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly: Steeped, three minutes?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly: Two percent milk?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly: Warmed separately?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly: One teaspoon of sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly: Raw sugar?
Leonard: Yes.
Beverly: (Beverly sips the tea) It's cold.
Leonard: I'll start again.
Sheldon: (to Beverly) I have the same problem with him.
(Leonard's mother Beverly, a neuroscientist and psychoanalyst, is visiting)
Sheldon: Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful - and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard: Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon: You were lucky! When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my *own* electrodes.
Beverly: Leonard's younger brother, Michael, is a tenured law professor at Harvard, and his sister just successfully grew a human pancreas in an adolescent gibbon.
Howard: So, she's close to curing diabetes?
Beverly: Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?
Howard: Wow, you must be very proud.
Beverly: Why? They're not my accomplishments.
Raj: (the boys are playing Rock Band)
(singing)
Raj: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I love / Take me all the way /
(falsetto)
Raj: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I lo-
(sees Penny in the doorway)
Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It's the sound of a cat being run over by a lawnmower.
Leonard: Why are you doing this?
Howard: You know the rules; you brought your mom to work, you must suffaaaaaaaah!
Penny: (in tears) I mean, my mom could have just said, "Bob, get over it; she's a girl. Move on!" But she didn't, not one word.
Beverly: Interesting. Would you be willing to fly to New Jersey and discuss your relationship with your parents during a brain scan?
Penny: Would it help?
Beverly: Well, it would help me.
Leonard: Hey, Penny. How's work.
Penny: (sarcastically) Great! I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheescake Factory for my whole life!
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: (still sarcastically) No.
Sheldon: Was *that* sarcasm?
Penny: (honestly) Yes.
Sheldon: Was that sarcasm?
Leonard: Stop it!
Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can't. Sheldon honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
Penny: I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon: Of course you will. It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
Penny: I'm regretting this already.
Penny: Wow, you got a lot of money in there.
Sheldon: That's why it's guarded by snakes.
Sheldon: I don't see any large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon: I sincerely hope so.
Leonard: I don't need backup. I have right on my side. And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Sheldon: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I have moved my money out of the snake can.
Leonard: But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern's ass.
Sheldon: Take some.
Penny: Don't be silly.
Sheldon: I'm never silly.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I don't understand what social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance in how to proceed.
Leonard: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes. Koothrappali's gonna wet himself, I will throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?
Howard: Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Raj: Yepp, I don't see any way around it.
Leonard: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard: See ya.
Raj: Later, dude.
(All exit, leaving Sheldon alone)
Sheldon: They're right. It was the only option.
Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven't paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.
Sheldon: The true hero doesn't seek adulation. He fights for right and justice simply because it's his nature.
Sheldon: I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about *you*.
Leonard: (sarcastically) Great.
Sheldon: (singing) There once was a brave lad named Leonard. With a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant. While Raj just wanted to pee.
Leonard: You clearly did something to aggrevate her!
Sheldon: I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions. And see if there's a blunder I overlooked.
Sheldon: If you recall, I pointed out the check engine light to you several months ago.
Penny: The check engine light is fine, it's still blinking away. It's the stupid engine that stopped working.
Penny: He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard: I would hope so.
Leonard: Why don't you just get a roommate and stay here?
Penny: Well, do you know anybody?
Leonard: I'm sure the guy living with Sheldon wouldn't mind moving in with you.
Penny: Oh Leonard, honey, if we started living together, I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: And you thought my acting lessons were a waste of money.
Sheldon: All right, these theaters have to be eliminated.
Leonard: Why, they're state of the art. Digital projection, 20 channel surround sound...
Sheldon: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my agressive letter writing campaign I might add.
Leonard: (Looking for places for Penny to save expenses) A hundred and seventy dollars for acting classes?
Penny: Oh no, I can't give up my acting classes, I'm a professional actress.
Leonard: Oh, you've had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard: Actually, it kind of... lets keep looking.
Sheldon: I've been giving the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of superintelligent aliens.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Ask me why?
Leonard: Do I have to?
Sheldon: Of course, that's how you move a conversation forward.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: The learning opportunities would be abundant, additionally, I like having my belly scratched.
Leonard: You play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out!
Sheldon: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants.
Leonard: I do.
Sheldon: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don't.
Sheldon: In what *Universe* are slurpees Icees?
Leonard: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?
Sheldon: Outside? But I just made cocoa.
Sheldon: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.
(Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart)
Sheldon: A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.
Howard: (sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard) Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?
(all three guys are looking upwards)
Howard: You got to give him credit for sticking with it.
Leonard: I didn't think he had it in him.
Raj: He almost made it to the top this time.
(camera pulls back to show Sheldon hanging in his harness, out cold)
Sheldon: I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
Leonard: What's that?
Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So... I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Howard: (whispering) Me, me. Let it be me.
Raj: I'm curious; in the 'How Well Do You Know Sheldon' section, what did you put for his favorite amino acid?
Leonard, Howard: Lysine.
Raj: Damn it! I had lysine and changed it!
Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
Rebecca: Rebecca.
Sheldon: Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard: (pulling Sheldon away) No, you're not. Let's go.
Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard: Don't look up, there's cameras.
Leonard: What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
Sheldon: I *did* learn how to swim.
Leonard: On the floor.
Sheldon: The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
Leonard: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon: The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.
Leonard: There you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
Penny: Thanks. I mean the e-mail doesn't bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Leonard: Yeah, I got the same one. And that's not a bathing suit, it's a tan line.
Sheldon: Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?
Jeremy: Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.
Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Jeremy: Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.
Sheldon: Ooh, I love trains!
Jeremy: I bet you do.
Sheldon: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Raj: Stu the Cockatoo?
Leonard: (sarcastic) Yes. He's new at the zoo.
Sheldon: (studying rock-climbing wall) This appears significantly more... monolithic than it did on my laptop. Y'know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.
Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.
Leonard: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
Sheldon: That's insane on the face of it.
Sheldon: I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
Leonard: What's that?
Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So... I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Howard: (whispering) Me, me. Let it be me.
Sheldon: That's where I sit.
Kripke: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
Howard: How much time you got?
Kripke: You all wight there, Cooper?
Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function at the approach to the asymptote.
Kripke: Are you saying you're stuck?
Sheldon: What part of 'inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote' did you not understand?
Sheldon: Kripke!
Kripke: Yeah?
Sheldon: What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Kripke: I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon: Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?
Kripke: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'll do that.
Sheldon: (to Raj, Howard and Leonard) Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.
Sheldon: I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Penny: Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
Sheldon: I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Penny: Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?
Sheldon: I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.
Penny: Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?
Sheldon: Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.
Penny: (sarcastically) Thanks, pal.
Sheldon: You got it, buddy.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?
Sheldon: Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?
Raj: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
Howard: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
Sheldon: It's extracted from the plant...
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
Raj: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
(Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching)
Leonard: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
(at lightning speed)
Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
(takes a drink)
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
(to Leonard)
Sheldon: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.
Howard: Don't let him get to you. It's Kripke!
Raj: Yeah, he's a ginormous knob.
Howard: That's why he eats by himself instead of sitting here at the cool table.
Raj: Fo' shizzle.
Sheldon: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard: I answered every question, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
Leonard: Oh, you picked up on that, huh?
Sheldon: Yeah, wait... How could I not?
Leonard: Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that.
Sheldon: Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
Leonard: (looking at the drawing) It's kind of cute.
(Sheldon looks offended)
Leonard: Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon: Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't see how you could.
Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon: (looking through children's books on making friends) All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.
Sheldon: Kripke!
Kripke: Yeah?
Sheldon: What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Kripke: I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon: Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?
Kripke: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'll do that.
Sheldon: (to Raj, Howard and Leonard) Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Should I ask Leonard to bring over your homework?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't have homework. I'm a grown man with a masters degree in engineering!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Excuse me, Mr. Fancypants. Want me to get you a Popsicle?
Howard Wolowitz: Cherry, please!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I ate the cherry! All that's left is green!
Howard Wolowitz: You make me want to kill myself!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, that door got the full Monte.
Howard Wolowitz: Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still...
(mimes sizzle)
Howard Wolowitz: ... hot.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm begging you, stop talking.
Penny: Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it. You're a little peculiar, like Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you are the one who is peculiar.
Penny: You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some kind of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you're just pathetic and creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: So, what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying that it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say "Ooh, that must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And we are not dancing a tango, we are not to-ing and fro-ing, othing's going to happen between us! Ever!
Howard Wolowitz: Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!
Howard Wolowitz: There's an awards banquet and a dance afterward. Perhaps you'd like to come with me. I know the other fellows would be very excited to see a girl there.
Penny: How is it supposed to be a dance if I'm the only girl?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, that may be a slight exaggeration. You'd be the only *doable* girl.
Penny: You're a pig, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: How is doable anything but a compliment?
Sheldon Cooper: Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?
Rajesh Koothrappali: As with my father, I both love and fear it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't take this as a criticism, but you do kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on?
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, like most of the time you're the easygoing Bruce Banner, but then when you get angry, you kind of turn into like, you know... Grrr!
Penny: I turn into a bear?
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner? You didnt get The Incredible Hulk from that?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, what shall be first to taste the wrath of Monte?
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe we should start small.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, ooh, perhaps today's the day we finally find out what's inside the Magic 8-Ball.
Sheldon Cooper: I did it when I was four. It's an icosahedral die floating in tinted blue water.
Penny: Do you think that sometimes you try too hard?
Howard Wolowitz: Look at me. What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, there's a blonde girl, Patsy, here to see you.
Howard Wolowitz: Who?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Okay, now she's saying it's Penny.
Howard Wolowitz: I don't want to talk to her.
Penny: Hey.
Howard Wolowitz: Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: She ran past me. Was I supposed to tackle her?
Sheldon Cooper: You're overlooking the fact that we now know what we're up against. We can now modify Monte so he's prepared.
Leonard Hofstadter: You want to prepare him? Install a bladder and a pair of shorts so he can wet himself.
Sheldon Cooper: We don't need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow, younger brother of physics. Watch and learn.
(pause)
Sheldon Cooper: Do either of you know how to open a tool box?
Howard Wolowitz: All right, that's the last servo. Behold, the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator, or
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Rajesh Koothrappali: Monte.
(pronounced monty)
Howard Wolowitz: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor-plate exo-skeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a hundred-and-ten pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in four-point-eight seconds.
Sheldon Cooper: We've accepted the challenge. We can't run away from a fight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh please, we've spent our whole lives running away from fights. Personally, I can squeeze through a hole in a fence half my size.
(Kripke challenges the guys to a robot duel)
Leonard Hofstadter: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry Kripke: What's wwong with him?
Rajesh Koothrappali: He's depressed because he's pathetic and creepy, and can't get girls.
Barry Kripke: We're ALL pathetic and cweepy, and can't get girws. That's why we fight wobots. If you'we not thewe, you'ww be exposed to widicuwe
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm curious, what part of America is that accent from?
Sheldon Cooper: Your robot is inferior, and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, snap.
Sheldon Cooper: Now of course, if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony I withdraw that comment.
Penny: Your mom seems nice.
Howard Wolowitz: People move away from her on the bus.
(last lines)
Sheldon Cooper: So, what do you think, Howard? I-it's not that bad, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Ah, nah, a little electrical tape, some solder... Are you insane! I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A-a simple ceremony, I'll speak. Leonard, you'll play your cello.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.
Sheldon Cooper: Just a toy robot...
(he runs to his room)
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: I know; I got it.
(she goes to Sheldon's room)
Penny: Sheldon! I'm sorry!
Howard Wolowitz: Well,
(pointing to his bandaged nose)
Howard Wolowitz: don't get the wrong idea. The way I see it I'm halfway to pity sex.
(the guys are about to test their robot on a toaster oven)
Sheldon Cooper: This is an auspicious moment. Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
Rajesh Koothrappali: How about "Die, toaster, die!"?
Leonard Hofstadter: That'll do it.
Penny: (after the tale of Saturnalia) Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
Sheldon: Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.
Howard: (Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh) I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.
Penny: (Exasperated) Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
Sheldon: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
(Turning to Howard and Raj)
Sheldon: I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
Howard: It's happening to us.
Leonard: So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself.
Dr. David Underhill: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.
Penny: Really? We're, we're going to do an experiment.
Dr. David Underhill: Uh-huh, we're going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Penny: (laughs) That's not an experiment; you saw what happened last night.
Sheldon: I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard: You're kidding! You've got lotions, and bath oils, and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick!
Sheldon: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.
Raj: Sheldon, if you don't like this stuff, let's just go next door and build a bear.
Sheldon: I told you before, bears are terrifying.
Penny: David was just showing me around the university. You know, this place is unbelievable.
Leonard: Yeah, I know. I've been offering to show you around for a year and a half. You always said you had yoga.
Penny: I never said that.
Leonard: Maybe I heard you wrong. A lot of words sound like yoga.
Penny: Ooo, are you okay?
Leonard: Oh yeah, it's just a little motorcycle accident.
Penny: My God, how fast were you going?
Leonard: I don't know, it's all such a blur.
Dr. David Underhill: (laughs) Good one. He couldn't even get it started. Hi, Dave.
Penny: Hi, Penny. Your motorcycle?
Dr. David Underhill: Uh huh.
Penny: Oh, is it okay?
Leonard: Lucky for the bike, it landed on my leg.
Raj: Trailing badly, Wolowitz needs a strike if he has any hopes of catching up with Sheldon Cooper, who is dominating in the 9th frame with a career best, 68.
Dr. David Underhill: So you and her...
Leonard: No, just neighbors.
Dr. David Underhill: Really? I don't know how you live next door to that without doing something about it.
Leonard: I have two words for you: the first is 'Big', the other's 'Whoop'.
Leonard: Look, the guy was just in the right place at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting re-interpretation of the universe; he got lucky.
Sheldon: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
Howard: What if he gets something kryptonian on it?
Sheldon: Like what?
Howard: I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon: I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj: Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.
Leonard: Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.
Leonard: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: (crying) Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard: Sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard: (chuckling) Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: (screaming) That's what you took from that? The guy is married!
Leonard: Oh yeah. I'm sorr... oh, that's terrible!
Penny: And you. If you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?
Leonard: Well, tha... The important thing is he's married, and that's terrible!
Penny: Nice save, genius.
Sheldon: Excuse me, miss.
Charlotte: Yes?
Sheldon: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Charlotte: Excuse me?
Sheldon: (Gives her the basket) Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Charlotte: I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Howard: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.
Howard: C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect.
(picks up basket)
Howard: You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!
Sheldon: Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.
Raj: Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.
Penny: How do you know Leonard?
Dr. David Underhill: I'm a physicist.
Penny: (laughing) No, you're not.
Dr. David Underhill: Why is that so surprising?
Penny: Well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.
Leonard: I'm not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sunblock because I don't take melanoma lightly.
Penny: Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?
Sheldon: No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny: Saturnalia?
Howard: Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
(after dismissing Dave's accomplishments, Leonard gushes when Dave wants to work with him)
Leonard: What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before?
Penny: (after Sheldon gives her several gift baskets) Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon: I know! It's not enough, is it? Here...
(gingerly hugs Penny)
Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me!
Leonard: It's a Saturnalia miracle!
Sheldon: Where were you that's more important than Wii Bowling night?
Leonard: Actually, I was...
Sheldon: It's a rhetorical question; there *is* nothing more important than Wii Bowling night.
Leonard: Come on! It's just a video game. And we suck at it.
Sheldon: (gasps) Nice motivational speech from the team captain.
Howard: That doesn't count. Do-over, do-over!
Sheldon: There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.
Howard: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.
Sheldon: (Opens Penny's gift) Oh, a napkin...
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon: (Reading) "To Sheldon Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy!"
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty - he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon: (Face twitching excitedly) I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I guess, but look, he signed it.
Sheldon: (Now shaking with excitement) Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I could grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (speaking via a computer) We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
Penny: Hold on, I'll go check.
Sheldon: Some hiney would be nice.
(Sheldon realizes his mistake right away)
Penny: (offended) Hiney?
Sheldon: (retypes) Honey.
Leonard: What do I say to her?
Penny: I don't know. What do women say to you when they want to slow your relationship down?
Leonard: "I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?"
Howard: (Leonard is scratching himself at the cafeteria) New pants?
Leonard: Yeah, Stephanie got 'em for me.
Howard: Nice. Cotton?
Leonard: Actually, I think it's more of a wool-fire ant blend.
Penny: (proving to Leonard that Stephanie has moved in with him) Hmm... Cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you.
Leonard: We're not living together.
Penny: Okay. Hmm... Scented candles, fuzzy slippers. Ooh, floral bed sheets.
Leonard: We're not living together!
Penny: Okay, moving on. Uh, who are these guys at Disney World?
Leonard: Uh... the big dog is Goofy. And... the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea.
(Penny smiles at him)
Leonard: We're not living together!
Penny: You're gonna go down swinging, huh? All right. Well, we've got your body lotion, your "In Style" magazine, your jewelry box.
Leonard: We're not- where's my Bat-Signal?
Penny: You have a Bat-Signal?
Leonard: I did. It was right here. She must have...
(realization dawns on Leonard)
Leonard: Oh, my God. We're living together.
Penny: (sarcastically) Really? What was your first clue?
Leonard: Do you have any fabric softener?
Penny: Yeah, sure.
(Leonard empties the bottle into the washer)
Penny: What are you washing, a crocodile?
Leonard: No, the pants that Stephanie got me.
Penny: Sweetie, you can't machine wash these. They'll be ruined.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Absolutely.
Leonard: (Leonard puts the pants back into the washer and starts it) Oh no, I wish you'd told me that sooner.
Penny: Out of coffee. Need coffee.
Stephanie: Uh, hello.
Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right?
Stephanie: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are?
Penny: I'm Penny, I live across the hall. I've heard a lot about you.
Stephanie: Really?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie: I haven't heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
Leonard: She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved and you haven't heard about her because... I never slept with her, I swear!
Howard: (Leonard is having difficulty breaking up with Stephanie) Why don't you text her?
Leonard: Isn't that cowardly?
Howard: Oh, yeah. It's beyond contemptible.
Raj: But then again, you are wearing a bird sweater.
Stephanie: I don't see anything at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Fuuh! You're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard: Me, too.
Sheldon: Is it a high-frequency whistle?
Leonard: No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.
Stephanie: Yep, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Then it must be a tumor.
Howard: There's a whole buffet of women out there, and you're just standing in the corner, eating the same deviled egg over and over again.
Leonard: At least I have an egg. What do you have?
Howard: A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can't.
Leonard: So go hit on her.
Howard: (after an awkward pause) She's not my type.
Raj: Too bad, 'cause she was checking you out before.
Howard: She was?
Raj: Of course not. Look at her.
Leonard: Maybe it's'a residual bacterial infection from getting toilet swirlies.
Sheldon: It is possible. I got a lot of those. Even at church.
Stephanie: If it's from a swirlie, I have something for that. Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got a cootie shot.
Penny: Come on, Leonard, you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to!
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yes! You don't always have to go along with what the woman wishes.
Leonard: Huh.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Nothing. Just rethinking my whole life.
Leonard: Don't you think if a woman was living with me that I'd be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it.
Leonard: What's going on?
Stephanie: I just performed a Sheldonectomy.
Leonard: Careful, if you don't get it all it'll only come back worse.
Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the "alpha" male. You see... When a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone Oxycontin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as "falling in love".
Leonard: Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let's see how the lid goes.
Sheldon: If I am permitted to speak again, Doctor Sheldon Cooper for the win.
Leonard: (yelling) Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
Sheldon: In which I am not...
Leonard: Don't even!
Sheldon: Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.
Sheldon: How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
Howard: I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it. That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.
Sheldon: (seeing the mess in Penny's apartment) Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: (looking around) How can you be sure?
Penny: Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard: What for?
Penny: Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard: What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard: It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
(Everybody looks at Sheldon)
Sheldon: I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard: You hacked my Facebook account?
Sheldon: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".
Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up.
(long pause)
Sheldon: Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Eh, uh... Strawberries.
Sheldon: Technically not a fruit, but all right.
Sheldon: Penny! Hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is shaking?
Penny: (pause) I'm sorry?
Sheldon: It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: Whats wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
Sheldon: I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. Saa-uup?
Penny: Please don't do that.
Sheldon: All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something *awkward* to discuss to someone it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit-chat.
Penny: So this *wasn't* the awkward part?
Stephanie: What do you say se get you home, put you to bed?
Leonard: Are you still gonna spend the night?
Stephanie: Uh, no. I think that you probably need to rest.
Sheldon: She's right. As long as you're vomiting, coitus is contraindicated.
Sheldon: I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: (reads note) "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh clearly, I could have.
Sheldon: Wait here. I'll find us seats.
Stephanie: Oh, no, we have seats.
Leonard: (wearily) Not the right seats.
Sheldon: (loudly) Ha. Ha. Ha.
Stephanie: What is he doing?
Leonard: (unenthused) He's finding the acoustic sweet spot.
Sheldon: (having changed seats) Ha.
Stephanie: Does he always do this?
Leonard: Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone.
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny...
Penny: What?
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Zucchini bread.
Penny: Ooh. Thank you!
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Y - I see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Sheldon: So have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New Topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research online and apparently, female primates - you know, apes, chimpanzees, YOU - they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female, is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question; where are you...
Sheldon: (Penny slams door on his face) Clearly I'm 14 days too early.
Howard: Look at Leonard's record: 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which, she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname, "Speed of Light Leonard".
Howard: And a 3-hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been 2 and a half if they ordered the souffl? when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware of the math, Y = 27 days over 12 to the Nth.
Sheldon: I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you.
Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.
Leonard: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!
Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Stephanie: Why, w-w-what happened?
Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?
Sheldon: No, I didn't try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a snowball's chance in a cat scanner."
Leonard: Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?
Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you've been in a foul mood since I sat down.
Sheldon: (after informing Stephanie he had successfully made his own CAT scanner at the age of 12) In fact I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner!"
Leonard: All I'm saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can't they do something about lactose intolerance?
Stephanie: Leonard, you're gonna have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted. I thought it was cute.
Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can't argue with her results. It's a shame it won't scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.
Leonard: I can't remember a time when you weren't talking.
Penny: OK, all right, you know what... I'll tell you what happened.
(sighs heavily)
Penny: We were young; we were very much in love. but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?
Sheldon: I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang, in which I believe I'm gaining remarkable fluency.
Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Raj: (to Howard) You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
Sheldon: This is bananabread.
Penny: This is a doorknob.
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard
(whilst knocking)
Leonard: What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here?
(showing Leonard the laptop)
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?
Howard: Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
Sheldon: What's plan B?
Howard: Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon: Why wasn't that plan A?
Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured!
Sheldon: No; no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board: art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.
Leonard: What's the emergency?
Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!
Penny: Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
(Sees Howard with an eyepatch)
Penny: Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard: Step one, she notices the eye-patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as *hot* as you do with such greasy hair.
(Penny pulls on the eyepatch and snaps it back)
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
(Exits)
Howard: Ow.
Announcer: It's unclear how the Mars rover got into the crevice, but one thing's certain: the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars.
(Howard's mouth falls open in shock)
Announcer: It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we'll never know who's responsible.
Howard: Son of a bitch.
Sheldon: If someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard: I don't know... Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon: Are you going to the office?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard: Just say, "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon: All right.
(Robotically)
Sheldon: "Leonard went to... the office."
Leonard: What is-? No, not like that; just "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you had just told me you were going to the office.
Leonard: I'm going to the office.
Sheldon: See, why don't I believe you?
Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3; Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard: Compromise; watch Babylon 5.
(chuckles)
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, five is part way between three an... Never mind.
Penny: (Trying to get Howard to admit he works on the Mars Rover project) No, I remember specifically, you started by asking if I was from Mars, because my ass was out of this world.
Howard: Well that does sound like me, but no.
Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard: You know, I'm a physicist, so I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard: I wrote some of it down.
Raj: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
Raj, Sheldon, Howard: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
(They all draw Spock)
Sheldon: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard: How do we decide that?
Raj, Sheldon, Howard: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
Raj, Sheldon, Howard: (They all draw Spock again) Ahh!
Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard: That's just ridiculous! Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon: I don't make the rules, Leonard.
Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard.
Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
Raj: (Attempting to determine which Sci-fi show to watch the two heroes expand the rock-paper-scissors game) I'll tell you what. How about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Leonard: Hi Steph. Come on in.
Stephanie: Is this a bad time?
Leonard: Yeah, but I don't see a better one on the horizon.
Stephanie: I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Stephanie: I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
Leonard: Then why did you?
Stephanie: He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
Leonard: Got it.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.
Penny: Howard, didn't you say you worked on the Mars rover?
Howard: No. You're mistaken.
Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.
Howard: I don't know what you're talking about.
Leonard: Let me ask you something: if your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not, because in fact you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well that depends.
Leonard: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard: Yeah...
Penny: Screw him - you're fine.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Well... Have you slept with her yet?
(Leonard nods)
Penny: You dog! Good for you!
Leonard: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard: So, why did you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy!
Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like: "Normally I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work."
Howard: There's got to be other options.
Raj: Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.
Sheldon: Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj: Oh, snap!
Sheldon: Snap what?
Leonard: So, can I see you again?
Stephanie: You're not done seeing me now.
Leonard: These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.
Howard: Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
Stephanie: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.
Howard: Hey, buddy, what brings you to my little slice of Hell?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who is it?
Howard: It's Leonard!
Mrs. Wolowitz: You're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive!
Howard: No one cares, Ma!
(to Leonard)
Howard: So, what's up?
Sheldon: Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a member of our social group I have to hold you to the same high standards as everybody else.
Leonard: Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
Howard: (chanting) One of us! One of us!
Howard: Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz, with her head in the lap of - eh, what a coincidence - the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.
Sheldon: (in a computer message) Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, Everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.
Penny: (Knock-knock-knock) Sheldon!
(Knock-knock-knock)
Penny: Sheldon!
(Knock-knock-knock)
Penny: Sheldon!
Penny: (after Leonard gives her Sheldon's "kryptonite", which makes even her uneasy) Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but... this?
Leonard: It'll shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.
Penny: (taking the guys' orders at Cheesecake Factory) Okay, let me guess: Quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose-intolerant Leonard...
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: ...shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds for the highly-allergic, kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard...
(Howard nods)
Penny: ... and for our suddenly-back-on-the-Hindu-wagon Raj meat lovers' pizza; no meat.
(Raj bows to her)
Penny: Coming right up.
(She starts to leave)
Sheldon: Wait, excuse me!
(Penny stops)
Sheldon: You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger; barbecue sauce, bacon and cheese on the side.
Penny: Oh, I didn't tell you? You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Well, you have three strikes. One, coming in; two, sitting down; and three, I don't like your attitude.
Sheldon: You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California State law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Penny: Yeah, I know; there's a new policy: no shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
Howard: (softly, to Raj) I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
Howard: Every week they kick out a beautiful girl, making her feel unwanted and without self-esteem... a.k.a, the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard: (referring to the strikes Sheldon gave her) Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
Howard: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.
Penny: Oh, no, are all the machines taken? What are you gonna do?
Sheldon: No problem, I'll just do my laundry another night.
Penny: Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart, you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Leonard: Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.
Penny: I don't care. I was in Junior Rodeo. I can hogtie and castrate him in sixty seconds.
Howard: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online.
Howard: Sadly, Mrs. Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine.
Penny: What was my first strike?
Sheldon: March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding e-mail humor.
Penny: I did?
Sheldon: The photo of a cat who wants to "haz cheezburger"?
Penny: Oh, come on, everyone loves LOLcats. They're cute, and they can't spell, 'cause they're cats.
(Penny has innocently taken an onion ring from Sheldon's plate of food)
Penny: I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: You have two strikes. Three strikes, and you're out.
(Penny looks at him blankly)
Sheldon: It's a sports metaphor.
Penny: A sports metaphor?
Sheldon: Yes, baseball.
Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well now it's Junior Rodeo on.
Leonard: (softly, in a worried tone) Ohhh, not Junior Rodeo.
Penny: I'm banished? What the hell kind of crap is that?
Penny: (Referring to her underwear) How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?
Sheldon: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, "Mwah, ha, ha."
Penny: Get them down.
Sheldon: Apologize.
Penny: Never!
Sheldon: Well, then, may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.
Leonard: (about the Next Top Model house) Are you insane? You're not going to party with them. You're not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard: That's what they said to Neil Armstrong abut the moon.
Sheldon: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Raj: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.
Penny: And thanks to Sheldon's heated discussion with my manager, one barbecue bacon cheeseburger, barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.
Sheldon: Thank you.
Penny: Go ahead, eat it. I dare you.
Leonard: For the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard: You know what? If it's "creepy" to use the internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly, then fine, I'm creepy.
Leonard: (just walking in on Sheldon and Penny) Hey, you guys are talking again, good!
(Penny and Sheldon give him an annoyed look)
Leonard: What happened?
Sheldon: Excuse me, Penny, but we're...
Leonard: No, don't tell her!
Sheldon: ...playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard: Awww...
Howard: What do you mean "aww," like she didn't know we were nerds?
Penny: Hey guys, what'd I miss? What'd I miss?
Howard: Giselle's hangin' by a thread.
Penny: Oh good. I hate her.
Howard: Then you're not invited to our wedding.
Sheldon: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Penny: Yeah, well, your "ken" can kiss my Barbie.
Sheldon: Greetings hamburger toucher. You are probably wondering why you cannot IM with your little friends about how much you heart various things. Well, this recorded message is alerting you that I am putting an end to your parasitic piggy-backing upon our WiFi.
Sheldon: You're sitting in my spot.
Penny: Oh, gee... you gotta be kidding me.
Sheldon: Leonard, she's in my spot.
Leonard: Yeah, yeah. Uh... see, here's the thing: after you leave, I still have to live with him.
Penny: I don't care. I'm taking a stand. Metaphorically.
Sheldon: All right, that's it. Strike three.
Penny: Oooh! Strike three!
Sheldon: Penny.
Penny: Yes?
Sheldon: Well played.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon: Just remember: with great power comes great responsibility.
Penny: Understood.
Howard: (about a model) She's taller than all of the women in my family combined.
Raj: What do we do now?
Howard: (another model walks by) Follow Mrs. Wolowitz.
Penny: (to Sheldon) Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?
Howard: You're telling me that I'm within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?
Penny: Yeah, I guess.
Howard: And they live together, and shower together, and have naked pillow fights.
(Penny starts to leave)
Leonard: Hey, where are you going?
Penny: To pay my cable bill.
(Penny walks in on Sheldon having his nails done by Ramona)
Ramona: Dr. Cooper is working.
Sheldon: Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough. Oh, tickles!
Penny: (leaving the apartment) Holy crap on a cracker!
Leonard: (meeting Penny in hallway) Hey, Penny.
Penny: You probably don't want to go in there.
Leonard: Why? What are they doing?
Penny: The only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls.
Leonard: Hey, aren't you having breakfast?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: Are you experimenting with nutritional suppositories again?
Sheldon: Not in these pants.
Leonard: So... how'd it go with Ramona last night?
Sheldon: Oh, great. She's smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.
Sheldon: How can I ever repay you?
Ramona: Would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki theorem?
Sheldon: Who's Nowitzki?
Ramona: I'm Nowitzki.
Sheldon: Oh. You want me to share credit?
Ramona: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: GET OUT!
Ramona: You're not going to Halo night.
Sheldon: Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night.
Ramona: Didn't a great man once say science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives?
Sheldon: He did.
Ramona: And who was that great man?
Sheldon: Me. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard: Seriously? You're not coming?
Sheldon: You heard her. How can I argue with me?
Raj: I love this time of the year. The leaves are turning... there's a bracing chill in the air...
Howard: Plus, there's a whole new crop of female grad students about to put on just enough winter weight to make them needy and vulnerable.
Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask - what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls...? Guys...? Sock puppets...?
Leonard: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard: Not Sheldon. Over the years, we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species. Someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
(Sheldon has just accepted a graduate student's request for dinner in his place)
Sheldon: What a nice girl.
Howard: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon: Yes, apparently I'm getting a free dinner.
Penny: Oh, hey, hi.
Ramona: (running down the stairs) Oh, bite me!
Penny: (extends pinky) Sisters?
(repeated line)
Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!
Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward.
Ramona: Halo night? A man with your intellectual gift doesn't waste an evening playing video games
Sheldon: He does on Wednesdays.
Ramona: Not if he wants a Nobel prize.
Howard: (Howard introduces himself) Howard Wolowitz, Department of Engineering, co-designer of the International Space Station's liquid waste disposal system.
Ramona: Eww.
Sheldon: Hide me.
Penny: Hide you?
Sheldon: I formally request sanctuary.
Sheldon: The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat of those unprepared to hear it. But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
Leslie Winkle: Because first-rate minds call you dumbass?
Penny: (Ramona has just arrived for her date with Sheldon) I need to see this.
Leonard: The viewing area is right over there.
(Howard and Raj are watching from the couch)
Sheldon: Ramona finally dozed off, and I need you to help me get rid of her.
Penny: Get rid of her how?
Sheldon: I don't know, but apparently I'm in some kind of relationship, and you seem to be an expert at ending them.
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I see man after man leaving this apartment never to return.
Ramona: Oh, sorry I'm late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
Sheldon: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?
Ramona: Oh, funny! But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.
Sheldon: My hypotheses tend to have that effect.
Sheldon: (addressing a class of graduate students) I weep for the future of science. Now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.
Ramona: I know what's going on here.
Penny: Really? Well, then will you explain it to me?
Ramona: You're in love with Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Uh, yeah, no, that's not it.
Ramona: Don't try to deny it. He's a remarkable man, but you have to let him go!
Penny: Oh, gee, okay.
Ramona: I know it's hard, but he's a gift to the whole world and we can't be selfish!
Penny: Yeah, he's a gift, alright.
Ramona: (smiles and offers pinky swear to Penny) Sisters?
Penny: Sure, sisters.
(accepts pinky swear and Ramona exits into Sheldon's apartment)
Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!
Raj: Isn't there a rule against dating grad students?
Leonard: No, you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
Raj: Damn, there's always a catch.
Leonard: (addressing a class of graduate students) So, if any of you are considering in going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But, now we know what happens when you accidentally spill Peach Snapple into a helium-neon laser. The short answer is... don't. And now, to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
(students applaud)
Leonard: Dr. Cooper...
Sheldon: (In closet) Forget it.
Leonard: Excuse me.
(opening door to closet)
Leonard: Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon: It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon: (Coming out) Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way.
Sheldon: I'm invoking the Skynet clause of our friendship agreement.
Leonard: That only applies if you need me to help you destroy an artificial intelligence you created that's taking over the Earth.
Kathy O'Brien: I just finished reading your paper reconciling the black hole information paradox with your theory of string network condensates and it just took my breath away.
Sheldon: Maybe when I publish it, I'll include an inhaler.
Sheldon: (to female grad student) Amazing! An intelligent labradoodle.
Howard: (to same grad student) Woof.
Sheldon: Alright, I'm invoking our Body Snatchers clause.
Leonard: The Body Snatchers clause requires me to help you destroy someone we know has been replaced by an alien pod.
Leonard: Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tined fork.
Sheldon: Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.
Sheldon: Godzilla clause?
Leonard: Not unless she destroys Tokyo.
Sheldon: Rats!
Leslie Winkle: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumb-Assery.
Ramona: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.
Leslie Winkle: I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I'll let you keep your lunch money today.
Howard: I haven't configured it yet. Let's see, Bradly tank, transport truck, Batmobile...
Sheldon: Oooo
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: (about a driving simulation) Now, are there airbags?
Leonard: You don't need airbags!
Sheldon: But what if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
Sheldon: But, how am I going to get to work?
Leonard: Take the bus.
Sheldon: I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts, and they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
Leonard: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
Sheldon: I didn't try. I succeeded. For some reason, it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.
Octavia: Application?
Sheldon: I'm actually more of a theorist.
Howard: The application in your hand, give it to her.
Sheldon: Euclid avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice.
(Penny glares at Sheldon)
Sheldon: But you have the con.
Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question two: "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.
Octavia: (approving his permit) Here's your learner's permit. Go away.
Sheldon: But I'm not done. I... I have many additional concerns about these questions.
Octavia: Don't make me climb over this counter.
Penny: (leading Sheldon away) All right, come on. Come on.
Octavia: Next!
Sheldon: Aced it.
Leonard: Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and that you'd have to make other arrangements?
Sheldon: You did.
Leonard: And?
Sheldon: I didn't... Let's go.
Penny: (Sheldon doesn't have a driving license) Why didn't you just get a license at sixteen, like everybody else?
Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories, leading to a reexamination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity, using modern twistor theory.
Penny: Well, how about when you were seventeen?
Sheldon: You saw nothing!
Sheldon: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Typically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: It's fine, it's been on for, like, a month.
Sheldon: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: Sheldon, it's fine.
Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.
Penny: Uh, maybe the light's broken.
Sheldon: Is there a "check the check engine light light"?
Leonard: Sheldon, I was up all night using the new free-electron laser for my x-ray diffraction experiment.
Sheldon: Did he laser accidentally burn out your retinas?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then you can drive. Let's go.
Sheldon: I still don't see why I need a driver's license. Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.
Howard: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.
Sheldon: Didn't you recently state that you and I are friends?
Penny: Yes, Sheldon. We are friends.
Sheldon: Then I hereby invoke what I'm given to understand is an integral part of the implied covenant of friendship.
Penny: ?
Sheldon: The favor.
Penny: Oh, dear God!
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was interrupting your morning prayers.
Sheldon: Good morning, Leonard!
Leonard: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: We're going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.
Leonard: You're a big boy, you'll figure it out.
Sheldon: Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets!
Sheldon: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on the cellphone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
Penny: Do you have any alcohol?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Penny: Too bad.
Sheldon: Well, no, now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novis, if you will, no, that's for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.
Leonard: Since he won't take the bus and he's too evolved to drive, he decided it would be easier to just sleep in his office and shower in the radiation lab until I'm finished with my experiment.
Raj: But you finished your experiment a week ago.
Leonard: (grins) Yep.
Leonard: Penny's taking you to the DMV; I'm going to bed.
Sheldon: Why Penny?
Leonard: Because rock breaks scissors. Good night.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
Octavia: Look at that sign up there.
Sheldon: Yes?
Octavia: Does it say I give a damn?
Sheldon: No.
Octavia: That's because I don't.
Leonard: (Sheldon's on a driving simulator and it's a disaster) How'd you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
Sheldon: I don't know. I was on the Pasadena freeway and missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
Leonard: Maybe you wanna give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
Sheldon: No. I quit.
(gets off the simulator but forgets to turn it off)
Leonard: (sounds of a horrifying crash, then various animals) Oh, the pet store.
Sheldon: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.
Dr. Gablehauser: Let me ask you something: what do you think the business of this place is?
Leonard: (confers with Sheldon and Howard for a few seconds) Science?
Dr. Gablehauser: Money.
Howard: Told ya.
Raj: Hey guys, I just got the most amazing
(sees Penny)
Raj: yiii.
Leonard: (handing out Chinese take-out food) Let's see: Raj was the Kung Pao chicken...
Penny: I'm the dumplings.
Howard: Yes, you are.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Howard: Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard: Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
Howard: That would be me. Come to papa, you un-kosher delight. And I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny: (pointing to a chair) Sit over there.
Raj: (after Leonard, Sheldon and Howard leave in disgust, Raj turns to a man at another table) Hey, buddy, I'm going to be in People magazine.
Charlie Sheen: (Turning around so that Raj, and we, can see who he is) Call me when you're on the *cover*.
Leonard: If we do get a new friend he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard: And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon: He should share our love of technology.
Howard: And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard: Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be... Iron Man.
Raj: Of course I couldn't get you into the V.I.P. section, because, you know, that's for V.I.P.s and you guys are just, you know, P.s.
(Raj has been named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch")
Howard: Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
Raj: Sorry; it's not part of my heart-warming and personal narrative, in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
Howard: Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist. He drives a Bentley.
Raj: It's a lease!
Sheldon: What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under 30?
Raj: Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper Belt?
Leonard: Oh, yeah: 2008NQsub17.
Raj: Or, as I call it, "Planet Bollywood".
Leonard: (On Sheldon's smile) We're here to cheer up Koothrappali, not kill Batman.
Sheldon: Baby wipe?
Penny: Why do you have those?
Leonard, Howard: No, no! Don't! Don't!
Sheldon: I'll tell you why. I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms, with hot air blowers.
Penny: Oh I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
Leonard, Howard: Why? Please, don't!
Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
(Raj was named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch")
Leonard: We're going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon: Apologize? For what?
Leonard: He came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.
Sheldon: I sense you're trying to tell me something.
Howard: You were a colossal asshat.
Sheldon: Oh! No! I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard: Really. Do tell.
Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug; and, frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard: Okay, let's try it this way: what if this People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon: I had not considered that. I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
Howard: He can feel sadness?
Leonard: Not really; it's what you and I would call condescension.
Gablehauser: Have you been to the President's dining hall?
Raj: I didn't know there was one.
Gablehauser: It has the same food as the cafeteria, only fresh.
(Raj is acting arrogant as a result of being named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch")
Sheldon: There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course - but one can see their point.
Penny: I can't believe you. Raj is celebrating a tremendous accomplishment and you're not even gonna be there to support him?
Sheldon: A tremendous accomplishment would be if the planetary body he discovered were plummeting toward Earth and he exploded it with his mind.
Howard: That would be cool. I'd go to that reception.
Gablehauser: (all in Raj's office when Dr. Gablehauser walks in) Hello, boys.
Raj: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali.
Leonard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter.
Sheldon: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper.
Howard: Dr. Gablehauser.
Gablehauser: *Mr.* Wolowitz.
Leonard: That may well be, but it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon: For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens... And I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.
Sheldon: Look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard: Oh, good. Now we can take his picture off the milk carton.
Leonard: Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon: In general, yes.
Tom: I'm sorry, dude. She didn't look anything like her picture.
Leonard: They never do.
Leonard: You know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh.
Leonard: I only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.
Penny: Oh, my God! A treasure chest. I'm rich!
Sheldon: Level 3 and she thinks she's rich. What a noob.
Sheldon: I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag.
Leslie Winkle: Well don't turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel Committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.
Sheldon: Oh yeah? Well... you wouldn't even be nominated!
Leonard: Shouldn't you be at work?
Penny: I don't work on Mondays.
Leonard: It's Thursday.
Leonard: You want to catch me up?
Sheldon: Well, let's see. Uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key because her face is overly Midwestern. Uh, she hasn't had sex in six months. And she ate a fly.
Leonard: Uh-huh. Seriously? Six months?
Sheldon: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.
Sheldon: Just tell me, is it too soon to join a quest to the black castle?
Sheldon: You were invited on a quest to the black castle?
Penny: Yeah yeah, by some guys in Budapest. I'm just not sure it's the right move for my character.
Sheldon: Of course it's not. You're only at level 25. These Hungarians are just using you for dragon fodder.
Leonard: (watching fluid bounce on a stereo speaker) Hey, check it out. It's just cornstarch and water.
Sheldon: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but it's solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard: That's what makes it get all funky.
Sheldon: Make yourself comfortable.
(Penny starts to sit on Sheldon's "spot" on the sofa)
Sheldon: Not there.
Penny: No, Fritz, I need you on my flank. I don't know German. Flanken Sie! Flanken Sie!
Raj: It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.
Leonard: No, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty is just athletic.
Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard: Okay, um, here's the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny: Yeah, get to the point, I'm about to level up here.
Leonard: Well, i-i-i-it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope's back online.
Leonard: Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair.
Penny: Oh, thanks.
(Eats it)
Sheldon: If it is a crime to ensure that the university's resources are not being squandered chasing subatomic wild geese, then I plead guilty.
Penny: (Penny walks into Sheldon's room as he's sleeping) Sheldon?
(walks towards his bed)
Penny: Sheldon?
Sheldon: (Sheldon abruptly sits up after a dream) Danger, danger!
Penny: No danger, look it's just me, Penny. Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple lotus swamp, right?
Sheldon: You're in my bedroom.
Penny: Yes, Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon: People can't be in my bedroom.
Penny: Ok, well, can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon: I'm not wearing pajama bottoms.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, wear different pajamas.
Sheldon: Can't wear different pajamas; these are my Monday pajamas.
Sheldon: These are market research questions. I'm filling out the online registration for your game.
(Sheldon is really setting up an online dating profile for Penny at Headoverheelz.com)
Sheldon: (Leonard comes walking out of his bedroom and hears this conversation coming from inside Sheldon's bedroom) Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.
Penny: Ok, well, you were great. Thanks.
(Penny comes walking out of Sheldon's room quietly before spotting Leonard standing there)
Penny: Oh. Hey, Leonard, don't go in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms.
(she walks away)
Leonard: (knocks on Sheldon's door) Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?
Sheldon: Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny: No, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.
Sheldon: All right then.
Penny: For God's sake!
(Goes inside)
Sheldon: Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.
Sheldon: On a scale of 1 to 5, with 1 being always initiated by him and 5 being always initiated by you. How do you prefer your sexual encounters to begin?
Penny: That's on the registration?
Sheldon: Oh yes, it's quite extensive. But if we complete it, you get a free expansion pack, 75 additional quests.
Penny: Ooh, awesome. Okay, I totally like to initiate. I'm a big old 5.
Sheldon: Perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
Penny: I did. He said he'll get here when he gets here.
Sheldon: And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
Penny: No. I'm frustrated because I'm a failure at everything and my breath smells like fly.
Sheldon: If you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: I'll go talk to her.
Howard: (speaking through an avatar) Hello, fair Penny.
Penny: Who are you?
Howard: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny: Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny: (looking up from her laptop with a horrified expression) Oh my God, I need help.
(shuts laptop and pushes it away)
Sheldon: I even changed my Facebook status to: "Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone." I don't know what else to do.
Leonard: Sheldon, wake up.
Sheldon: Danger! Danger!
Sheldon: Sheldor back on line.
Penny: What's AFK?
Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon: What does that stand for?
Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?
Sheldon: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Atzel's Fortress; now, this is a long run so let's do another bladder check. All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.
(hears banging outside)
Sheldon: Sheldor is AFK.
(goes into hall)
Sheldon: Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny: Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.
Sheldon: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock; are you aware of that?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: All right, then.
Penny: Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!
Sheldon: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny: I can't get the damn key out.
Sheldon: It's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.
Penny: Thank you, Sheldon!
Sheldon: You're welcome. Point of inquiry: why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny: Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure...
Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God! You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job. I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?
Sheldon: When his uncles sit around the dinner table, they look like a half carton of eggs.
Leonard: Okay, my uncles are bald, but my Aunt Edna is one of the hairiest women you'll ever meet. Sweet lady. Always tickles when she hugs me.
Penny: Why don't you see a movie or something?
Sheldon: Alone?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver?
Penny: Well, then don't order popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the movies? Listen to yourself.
Leonard: I'm glad Penny's dating. Now I can really let loose.
Howard: You were holding back?
Leonard: Out of courtesy, yes.
Raj: What about the ten years before Penny.
Leonard: Hey, I've date plenty of women.
Howard: Like who?
Leonard: Well, there's Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle...
(pause)
Sheldon: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".
Sheldon: You know how I can tell we're not in the Matrix?
Leonard: How?
Sheldon: If we were, the food would be better.
Sheldon: Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you?
(Presses buttons frantically)
Sheldon: Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!
Leonard: (Referring to their upcoming date) How do you suggest we proceed?
Leslie Winkle: Your place. We'll order Chinese, you'll rent a movie - artsy but accessible - then light petting, no coitus.
Leonard: Sounds fun...
Leslie Winkle: I'll leave the details up to you. I think it's better if you assume the male role.
Penny: (as they are coming up the stairs) ... no, it wasn't my cat. It was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
Eric: From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
Penny: No, he was some kind of scientist. Let me start again. Y -
(sees Leonard)
Penny: Oh, hey Leonard!
Penny: I still don't understand why you don't go to dinner or something.
Sheldon: All right, let's say I go to dinner alone, and during the meal, I have to use the restroom. How do I know someone's not touching my food?
Penny: Good night, Sheldon.
Leslie Winkle: Hello, dummy.
Sheldon: Hello to you, insufficiently intelligent person.
Leslie Winkle: Ooh, rush me to the burn unit.
Leslie Winkle: Now that you're unattached, maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
Leonard: Are you suggesting another bout of stress release?
Leslie Winkle: No, I'm all done with casual sex. From now on, I'm fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
Leonard: Really? What changed?
Leslie Winkle: It's hard to say. I guess there's a time in every woman's life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn't know.
Leonard: Yeah, I can see how that would... a bunch of people?
Leslie Winkle: Anyway, I figure it's time to slow things down and, who better to slow things down with than you?
Leonard: I'm flattered.
Leonard: I like Leslie, but she's not interested in dating as much as using men as tools for stress release.
Howard: Yeah, so? Be a tool. Go get yourself a little rebound "stress release".
Leonard: I think tonight was a very good start.
Leslie Winkle: Me too. You're sure you're okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?
Leonard: No problem, I'm very skilled at postponing intercourse.
Leslie Winkle: Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
Sheldon: I'm listening. Amuse me.
Leslie Winkle: Okay. Well, for one thing, we expect quantized space-time to manifest itself in minute differences in the speed of light for different colors.
Sheldon: Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
Leslie Winkle: (to Leonard) Are you gonna let him talk to me like that?
Leonard: What's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking...
Leonard: All right, all right! Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if, you know, made yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an i.q. which can't be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
Raj: I think she's smoking hot.
Howard: I'd hit that!
Sheldon: You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension.
(Wolowitz looks at him for clarification)
Sheldon: Mud.
Sheldon: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch-enemy.
Penny: Your arch-enemy?
Sheldon: Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it!
Sheldon: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees. Graduate schools should probably do a better job of screening those people out.
Sheldon: Oh please, the only way she could make a contribution to science is if they resume sending chimps into space.
Howard: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinkos and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says "howdy".
Sheldon: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the Fifteenth Century. If anything, they would have said "Huzzah!"
Howard: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.
Leonard: I'm sorry about all of Sheldon's interruptions. He can be a bit of an eccentric.
Leslie Winkle: If by "eccentric" you mean passive-aggressive East-Texas blowhole, I agree.
Sheldon: My God, they can't expect to put Ye Olde in front of anything they want and get away with it.
Sheldon: Are you sure things can't work out with you and Leonard?
Penny: Excuse me?
Sheldon: I'm just wondering if you really gave it the old college try. Or in your case, the old community college try.
Sheldon: (Referring to their Renaissance Fair costumes) I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard: You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon: Don't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillowcases.
Leonard: Borrowed?
Raj: What happens in costume at Comicon stays at Comicon!
Howard: You're only saying that because of what happened to you.
Leonard: What happened to you?
Raj: Nothing happened to me.
Howard: It's not your fault, Raj. He was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.
Penny: Sheldon, you are a smart guy...
Sheldon: I'm "smart"? I'd have to lose 60 IQ points to be classified as "smart".
Howard: Penny with her new boyfriend. Tres awkward.
Leonard: It's not awkward. It's not fun...
Sheldon: Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.
Sheldon: (Sheldon, dressed up as Spock, scans the renaissance fair using a tricorder) Captain, I'm getting an unusual reading.
Leonard: Yeah, that's great. You guys want corn dogs?
Sheldon: That's a temporal anomaly. Corn dogs didn't come into existence until the first half of the 20th century.
Penny: Why don't you go to a movie?
Sheldon: Alone?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich manuver?
Penny: So, don't buy popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the mo - listen to yourself!
Leonard: (wants Sheldon to leave because he has a date) Nevertheless I have one now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
Sheldon: If Leonard is really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
Penny: Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon: Oh, now you're just making stuff up!
Sheldon: I'm sorry, I am not going back to the renaissance fair.
Howard: Come on, Sheldon, there are so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon: I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Raj: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet very similar to Earth in the fifteen hundreds.
Sheldon: You mean like Spock?
Raj: (shrugs) Sure.
Sheldon: Fascinating.
Howard: What's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Statistically speaking...
Leonard: All right, all right. Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if you would, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon: I'm a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurely measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?
Leonard: You know what I mean. Could you just give us a little privacy?
Sheldon: You want me to leave the apartment?.. You mean, just go someplace else and be... someplace else?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Why should I leave? This is my apartment, too.
Leonard: I know, and if science ever discovers a second member of your species and you two would like some privacy, I'd be more than happy to get out of your way.
Sheldon: Well, all right then.
Sheldon: If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest "One Potato, Two Potato." Or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.
Leslie Winkle: So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Leonard: Where did you hear that?
Leslie Winkle: Actually I read it: Wolowitz texted me.
Leonard: (Reading her phone) ... like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep!
Leslie Winkle: I thought it was pretty a good one. I gave him an "LOL."
Leslie Winkle: Loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
Leonard: Sorry, Leslie, I guess I prefer my space stringy, not loopy.
Leslie Winkle: I'm glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
Leonard: Truth? What truth? We're talking about untested hypotheses. It's no big deal.
Leslie Winkle: It isn't? Really? Tell me, how will we raise the children?
Leonard: I guess we wait until they're old enough and let them choose their own theory.
Leslie Winkle: We can't let them choose. They're children!
Leonard: Wait, where are you going?
Leslie Winkle: I'm sorry. I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice cream or ever get a good view of a parade, but this... this is a deal breaker.
Sheldon: Look on the bright side.
Leonard: What bright side?
Sheldon: Only nine more months until ComicCon.
Leonard: (smiling) Oh, yeah.
Rajesh: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard: And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.
(Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing)
Sheldon: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh: (angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon) How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon: (shocked) Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh: (angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time)
Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
Sheldon: I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.
Penny: I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
Sheldon: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
Sheldon: Yet you are neither.
Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.
Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.
Howard: Are you having a second date?
Leonard: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.
Howard: Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
Sheldon: I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.
Sheldon: (In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard) "I'm Batman!"
Howard: (Hears a knock on his door) Who is it?
Rajesh: (High-pitched voice) Strippergram!
(Howard opens door; it's actually Rajesh with Sheldon)
Rajesh: Tag, you're it.
(Runs off)
Howard: Couldn't you've just wrapped him up in a paper bag and set fire to him?
Sheldon: You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
Penny: Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
(pause)
Sheldon: Which you did not hear about from me.
Leonard: We went to dinner, we talked, we laughed, we kissed... Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard: Think back, Leonard. The littlest things can set women off. Like "Hey, the waitress is hot, I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Leonard: I didn't say anything like that.
Howard: Good, 'cause they don't work.
Rajesh: They also don't care for it if you stare at them and hyperventilate. Sadly, that's my home run swing.
Leonard: Look, everything went fine.
(unhides mini sheets)
Leonard: I didn't even have to refer to my impromptu conversation starters. That woman across the hall is into me.
Howard: Let's go to the tape.
(shows the hidden camera record)
Howard: Look at her reaction to the good night kiss. No change in respiration, pupils un-dilated, no flushing of the chest.
Rajesh: Nice close-up, by the way.
Sheldon: Interesting. Her jaws are clenched: no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign amongst mating humans.
Leonard: That's not a bad sign.
Sheldon: Please... You might as well have been two iguana with no dewlap enlargement.
Rajesh: And the worst sign of all is you're here and not there.
Leonard: I'm not there because I'm taking things slow; by the way, compared to you guys, approaches warp speed.
(Leaving the room)
Leonard: And take down that camera!
Rajesh: He was a lot more fun when he had no hope.
Howard: Give him time.
Howard: (Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera) You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh: You being the fish.
Leonard: I'm not the fish!
Leonard: (about his date with Penny) Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."
Sheldon: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard: What's with him?
Howard: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
(Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves)
Sheldon: I'm baaack!
Leonard: I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon: I can't tell you.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: I promised Penny.
Leonard: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon: I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard: I promise.
Sheldon: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!
(Sheldon is looking for a place to stay)
Rajesh: You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.
Sheldon: Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?
Rajesh: I hate trains!
Sheldon: Don't be silly - you love trains.
Penny: This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon: You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
(pause)
Sheldon: It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.
Sheldon: (Ex nihilo) Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of M?nchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard: I'm still confused.
Sheldon: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.
Sheldon: (looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard) Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard: It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon: Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.
(Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny)
Leonard: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon: They were clever, Leonard they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
Leonard: Well, good night.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard: Why don't we just go into your...
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight, Leonard.
(Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali)
Sheldon: This is a very old building.
Rajesh: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon: Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Rajesh: Not until now!
Sheldon: I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
Rajesh: Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
Sheldon: I'm kidding! I packed it.
Penny: Hi.
Leonard: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard: That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard: Absolutely.
(She slams the door in his face)
Leonard: Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.
Penny: Leonard isn't the kind of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon: Leonard isn't the kind of guy anyone usually goes out with.
Sheldon: But why talk to me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny: Well, Koothrappali can't talk to me unless he's drunk, and Wolowitz is... just disgusting.
Sheldon: Yes, I guess he is.
Howard: I'm so glad you're learning Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Because then you'll have a billion people to annoy instead of me.
Leonard: I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
Sheldon: Then, don't.
Leonard: Other people would say "Why not?"
Sheldon: Other people might be interested.
Leonard: I'm gonna talk anyway.
Sheldon: I assumed you would.
Leonard: Now that I'm actually about to go out with Penny. I'm not excited. I'm nauseous.
Sheldon: Ah, then your meal choice is appropriate. Starch absorbs fluid, which reduces the amount of vomit available for violent expulsion.
Leonard: She's upset, I'm going over there.
Howard: Remember to sit on your hands a bit, so they're warm.
Leonard: I'm her friend. I'm not going to take advantage of her vulnerability.
Howard: So you're saying, if in the depths of despair, she throws herself at you and demands you take her, right there, right now, you'll just walk away?
Leonard: I said I'm her friend, not her gay friend.
Penny: (meeting Sheldon in the hallway) I'm sorry... look, do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?
Leonard: She doesn't want to talk.
Sheldon: Penny's emotional response is originated in the primitive portion of the brain, known as the amygdala. While speech is centered in the much more recently developed neo-cortex. The former can easily overpower the latter, giving scientific credence to the notion of being "rendered speechless."
Sheldon: Or maybe she just doesn't want to talk.
Leonard: Before we go, have you heard of Schrodinger's cat?
Penny: Oh, I have heard more than enough about Schrodinger's cat.
Penny: I guess you're aware that Leonard asked me out.
Sheldon: He didn't actually say anything, but when he came back to the apartment he was doing a dance that brought to mind the happy hippos in Fantasia.
Leonard: Why are you learning Mandarin?
Sheldon: I suspect that the people at the Szechuan Palace are passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard: If I were you, I'd be more worried about what they're passing off as chicken.
Penny: Thank you so much for your stupid advice!
Raj: Incredible. You've managed to screw up the screw-up.
Leonard: Okay, well, you know, this isn't that bad. It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who's open to expressing her affection in non-traditional locales.
Penny: Oh God!
Leonard: Elevators, parks, movie theatres, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or subway the sandwich shop?
Penny: Sandwich shop.
Penny: I swear to God, I am done with guys like that. You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair, and the money.
Leonard: Yeah, that must get old quick.
Penny: You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice, and honest, and who actually cares about me.
Leonard: What about me?
Penny: What about you what?
Leonard: What about if you went out with me?
Penny: Are you asking me out?
Leonard: Um... yes... I am... asking you out.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard: I was just going off your comment about the nice guy...
Penny: No, I know, I got that. Yeah, totally.
Leonard: ...thing and honest but, it's no big deal...
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: Yes what?
Penny: Yes, I will go out with you.
Leonard: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Why not, I mean, what do I have to lose?
Leonard: Yeah. That's the spirit
Sheldon: I think I need another Mandarin lesson. I don't think I got through to them.
Howard: For heaven's sake, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.
Penny: Wanna sit down?
Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple... You see, I don't spend much time here, so I've never chosen a place to sit.
Penny: Well, choose.
Sheldon: There are a number of options... I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, airflow patterns and dispersion of sunlight, to make in informed choice.
Leonard: Maybe I am her best gayfriend...
Sheldon: What do I have to say to bring this discussion to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard: Tell me whether or not I should go out with Penny.
Sheldon: Schrodinger's cat.
Leonard: Wow, that is brilliant!
Sheldon: You sound so surprised.
Penny: (scares the hell out of Sheldon after touching him in the back) Do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?
Penny: (about the guy she just broke up with) He's moved on!
Leonard: Wow! That was quick!
Penny: (crying) That's what I said to the girl with her legs wrapped around his neck.
Raj: Look, I found an iPod.
Howard: It's broken beyond repair. What are you going to do with it?
Raj: What else? Sell it on eBay as slightly used.
Nurse Althea: Oh, I understand, but unfortunately, this hospital is not equipped to treat stupid.
Leonard: Say what you will about the health care system in this country, but when they're afraid of lawsuits, they sure test everything.
Howard: I really don't think the colonoscopy was necessary.
Howard: Okay, I get it. I know how the world works. How 'bout if I were to introduce you... to the man who freed your people?
Nurse Althea: (shows a five-dollar bill) Unless my people were freed by Benjamin Franklin and his five twin brothers, you are wasting your time!
Leonard: Look, I am in the "Halo" battle of my life here! There's this kid in Copenhagen; he has no immune system, so all he does is sit in his bubble and play "Halo" 24-7.
Howard: Can't you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors.
Leonard: I don't celebrate my birthday
Penny: Shut up. Yeah, you do.
Leonard: It's no big deal. It's the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories. His mother published a paper on it.
Penny: Well, what was it called? "l Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"?
Sheldon: It was obviously effective. Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Sheldon: The entire institution of gift giving make no sense. Let's say that I go out, and I spend 50 dollars on you, it's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, where as you know what you need. Now I could simplify things, just give you the 50 dollars directly, and you could give me 50 dollars on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and 50 dollars richer. And I ask, is it worth it?
(Penny is trying to convince Sheldon to buy Leonard a gift)
Howard: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it.
Penny: It's - it's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Ah, fair enough.
Howard: He came with a manual.
Sheldon: I think a birthday party's a terrible idea. I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish... Year after year, I had to endure wearing comical hats while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles. Not to mention being blindfolded and spun toward a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
Leonard: How did you know my birthday's Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Penny: Blah, blah, blah, a typical Taurus.
Sheldon: We might as well stop. It's a stalemate. You're beating me in "Tetris," but you have the upper strength of a Keebler elf.
Raj: Keebler elf? I've got your Keebler elf right here!
Raj: (grunts; tries to pull harder, with both hands, but Sheldon doesn't budge) Okay, it's a stalemate.
Leonard: (why he doesn't celebrate his birthday) It's just the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: Okay, here's the deal: you either you help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or so help me, God, I will go into your bedroom, and unbag all of your most valuable, mint-condition comic books and, on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny little happy face in ink.
Sheldon: You can't do that! If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon: Well, of course I... Oh... Hey, I have an idea: let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party!
Penny: (to Leonard) This is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Howard: You think?
Howard: (to Leonard) Go ahead - tell her about your senior prom.
Sheldon: Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party.
Howard: Did someone say "party"?
Penny: He just doesn't know he wants one because he's never had one.
Howard: I suppose that's possible. But, for the record, I've never had a threesome, yet I still know I want one.
Howard: We're in a hospital right now.
Penny: Why? Is Leonard okay?
Howard: Leonard's fine. I'm fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny: Okay, I don't need your attitude. Listen, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard: Look, I've done my best, but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
Penny: Okay. How about this? You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
(Howard remains silent, unsure what he just heard)
Howard: Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I got a hot former fat girl with no self esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard: Thy will be done.
(Howard hangs up and pulls the peanut-filled granola bar out of his back pocket)
Howard: (to his groin) I'm doing this for you, little buddy.
Raj: Have you ever heard of the Kama Sutra?
Missy: The sex book.
Raj: The *Indian* sex book. In other words, if you've ever wondered, wondered who wrote the book of love... it was us.
Sheldon: Yes, we shared a uterus for 9 months, but since then, we've pretty much gone our separate ways.
Sheldon: Eat this cheese without farting, and you can sleep with my sister.
Leonard: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the supercollider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the earth ending life as we know it.
Raj: What a bunch of cry babies. No guts, no glory, man.
Raj: Everyone knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in your latte?
Sheldon: That is true, but consider the fact that you require medication to even talk to someone of the opposite sex.
Penny: So, Sheldon's sister is pretty cute.
Leonard: I wasn't staring!
Penny: I didn't say you were; I just said she was cute.
Leonard: Oh! Uh, maybe... if you like women who are tall... and perfect.
Howard: Is is because I'm Jewish? Because I would kill my rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister.
Sheldon: It has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with the fact that you're a tiny man who lives with his mother.
Raj: (Penny calls Missy to come to the door) Thank you. I apprec... apprec... appre... uh oh.
Penny: Oh honey, is your medication wearing off?
(Raj nods)
Missy: Well, hi cutie pie. I was hopin' you'd show up.
(Raj is only able to emit high-pitch squeals)
(Sheldon's hot twin sister, Missy, is in town for a wedding)
Leonard: If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?
Missy: Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy, he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon: They were not "friends". They were imaginary colleagues.
Howard: You have Penny.
Leonard: I don't have Penny. In what conceivable universe do I have Penny?
Howard: So I can have her then?
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: I always thought I was more like a cuckoo bird. You know, a superior creature whose egg is placed in the nest of ordinary birds. Of course, the newly hatched cuckoo eats all the food, leaving the ordinary siblings to starve to death. Luckily for you, that's where the metaphor ended.
Missy: I thought it ended at cuckoo.
Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon: I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you.
Leonard: (sees a crowd outside Sheldon's office) What's going on?
Howard: Shhh. Hot girl in Sheldon's office.
Leonard: Sheldon's office? Is she lost?
Howard: I don't think so. I followed her here from the parking lot.
Leonard: Maybe she's his lawyer.
Howard: Well, she's free to inspect my briefs.
Leonard: Howard...
Howard: I know, I'm disgusting. I should be punished. By her. Oh, look, I did it again.
Sheldon: She's my twin sister. She thinks she's funny, but frankly, I've never been able to see it.
Missy: That's because you have no measurable sense of humor, Shelly.
Sheldon: How exactly would one measure a sense of humor? A humormometer?
Sheldon: If anyone is to get at Missy's Fallopian tubes, they have to get through me.
(upset by Penny's comments, Leonard sits in the time machine)
Sheldon: Leonard, it's two in the morning.
Leonard: So?
Sheldon: So, it's my turn.
Leonard: (Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are arguing over who can give Leonard the best price for his collection) Forget it. Guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be really mad at me.
Sheldon: Who cares, as long as you pick me?
Raj: Okay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.
Leonard: Sorry, Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon: (blocking the stairwell) No. I can't let you do this.
Leonard: Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon: (taking a plastic sword from Leonard's box) None shall pass.
Leonard: Okay. I did not want to do this, but I have here the rare, mint-condition production error "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Geordi La Forge without his VISOR, in the original packaging. If you do not get out my way... I will open it.
Howard: (nervously) Okay, man, be cool. We're all friends here.
Raj: (the time machine prop Leonard bought is life-size) Did the listing actually say "miniature"?
Leonard: I just assumed. Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon: In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "No longer want my time machine" and "Need $800".
Howard: It's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.
Raj: Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard: How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Howard: If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard: Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon: I've been meaning to ask you: do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard: Not necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.
(Howard walks over to the elevator)
Howard: When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.
(Howard presses the elevator call button, then puts his ear to the elevator doors)
Howard: (walking back to the group) No, that baby's broken.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard: Just, you know, moving something upstairs.
Penny: What is it?
Leonard: Just, you know... time machine.
Penny: Yeah, okay, neat, but I really gotta get to work, so...
Leonard: Uh, just give us a few minutes.
Penny: I don't have a few minutes. I'm running really late.
Sheldon: Well, then I have a simple solution. Go up to the roof, hop over to the next building - there's a small gap, don't look down if you're subject to vertigo - and use their stairwell.
Penny: You're joking, right?
Sheldon: Oh, I never joke when it comes to vertigo.
Leonard: Anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?
Raj: Why?
Leonard: 'Cause I don't want it anymore.
Howard: Why?
Leonard: Just personal reasons.
Sheldon: My Spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard: Look, do you wanna buy me out or not?
Raj: I'll give $100, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard: Screw his balcony. I'll give you $120 and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard: I paid $200 for my share.
Raj: Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
Leonard: Yes, I'm upset.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't usually pick up on those things. Good for me.
(turns and walks back to his room)
Leonard: Yeah, good for you.
Sheldon: Oh wait, did you want to talk about what's bothering you?
Leonard: I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: Wow! I'm on fire tonight.
Sheldon: (looking at the time machine prop in the apartment) I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions: the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
Howard: Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj: Oh, yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like "I have a jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a jacuzzi on my balcony." But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.
Sheldon: Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard: You can't just keep it here! What if I meet a girl and say "You wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friend's house." How lame is that?
Raj: He's got a point.
Sheldon: All right. I think we're going to need some ground rules. In addition to the expected "no shoes in the time machine" and "no eating in the time machine", I propose that we add "Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."
Leonard: Seconded.
Howard: (sheepishly) I was gonna put down a towel.
Leonard: Girls like Penny never end up with guys who own time machines.
Sheldon: I disagree. But your inability to successfully woo Penny long predates your acquisition of the time machine. That failure clearly stands on it's own.
Penny: Oh, please. It's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
Raj: Sheldon?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Raj: If my fingers ever work again, I've got a job for the middle one!
Sheldon: (Leonard has won a bid on a miniature time machine prop from the movie "The Time Machine") I wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard: I know. But, I still can't afford it.
Howard: Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our house.
Raj: A time share time machine. I'm in. Sheldon?
Sheldon: Wha-? Need you ask? I still don't understand why no one else bid.
Sheldon: (cut to the lobby of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment building; the prop is life-size) I understand why no one else bid.
Raj: (Leonard is planning to sell his comic book memorabilia) I call dibs on the "Golden Age Flash".
Howard: Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Raj: Too bad, I called dibs.
Howard: You can't just call dibs.
Raj: I can and I did. Look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Penny: (hearing the commotion in the hallway) If this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said. I was just upset.
Leonard: No, I needed to hear it.
Penny: No, you didn't. Look, you are a great guy. And it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard: (sotto to Raj) I guess that makes me large breasts.
Leonard: Okay, I am setting the dials for March 10, 1876.
Howard: Good choice. Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr. Watson.
Sheldon: Wait a minute. I want to see that too.
Leonard: So, when it;s your turn, you can.
Sheldon: But if we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab's going to get very crowded. He'll know something's up.
Leonard: (trying to get the time machine prop upstairs) Come on, guys, push!
Howard: If I push any harder, I'm gonna give birth to my colon.
Penny: Okay, I'll just take the roof.
Leonard: Hey, if you wait for us to set up the time machine, I can drop you off at work, yesterday.
(Penny is not amused)
Leonard: Time travel jokes, never mind.
Sheldon: For what it's worth, I thought it was humorous.
(giggles)
Sheldon: (to Penny) You hypocrite! Miss "grown-ups don't play with toys!" If I went into your apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And just who is that Japanese feline frolicking on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!
Sheldon: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and Swiss cheese on whole wheat.
Raj: What did they give you?
Sheldon: Turkey and roast beef with Swiss cheese and lettuce on whole wheat.
(Raj and Wolowitz just look at Sheldon, dumbfounded)
Sheldon: It's the right ingredients, but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard: (at his computer, not paying attention) I don't believe it.
Sheldon: I know. It's basic culinary science.
Sheldon: Why did you set it for the day before yesterday?
Leonard: Because I want to go back and keep myself from getting a time machine.
Sheldon: You can't. If you were to prevent yourself from buying it in the past, you would not have it available in the present to travel back and stop yourself from buying it. Ergo, you would still have it. This is a classic rookie time travel mistake.
Leonard: Can I go back and prevent you from explaining that to me?
Sheldon: Same paradox. If you were to travel back in time and say, knock me unconscious, you would not then have the conversation that irritated you, motivating you to go back and knock me unconscious.
Leonard: What if I knock you unconscious right now?
Sheldon: It won't change the past.
Leonard: But it'd make the present so much nicer.
Raj: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
Leonard: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sheldon: Hold on. "Bimonthly" is an ambiguous term. Do you mean every other month or twice a month?
Raj: Twice a month.
Sheldon: Then no.
Raj: Okay, every other month.
Sheldon: No.
Dr. Gablehauser: First question. For ten points: What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?
(Leonard and Sheldon ring in)
Dr. Gablehauser: PMS?
Leonard: The eta meson.
Dr. Gablehauser: Correct.
(the audience applauds)
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Dr. Gablehauser: On what grounds?
Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Dr. Gablehauser: Denied.
Leonard: Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...
Howard: ...outweigh the needs of the few...
Sheldon: ...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it.
(does Vulcan salute)
Leonard: How do you know these things?
Penny: I go outside and I talk to people.
Penny: Tweety bird tawt he taw a what?
Sheldon: Romulan.
Penny: (sarcastically) Yes, he tawt he taw a Romulan.
Penny: Isn't a guy who can't speak in front of women gonna hold you back a little?
Leonard: Oh, he'll be okay once the women are mixed into the crowd. He only has a problem when they're one on one and smell nice.
Penny: Oh, thanks Raj. It's vanilla oil.
Leonard: I was actually the one who noticed.
Leonard: Come on, we need a 4-person team. We're 4 people.
Sheldon: By that reasoning, we should also play bridge, hold up a chuppah, and enter the olympic bobsled competition.
Leslie Winkle: Wait. You are going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard: Yes.
Leslie Winkle: That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard: She's in.
Dr. Gablehauser: (after Sheldon declines to accept Dmitri the janitor's correct answer as their official answer) Therefore, your winner is...
Leonard: (Stops him) Hold on a second.
(Stands up and faces him, admonishingly)
Leonard: Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?
Sheldon: I don't understand the question.
Leonard: (Shrugs, then to Dr. Gablehauser) Alright, continue.
Dr. Gablehauser: The winner is PMS!
(They celebrate to Queen's "We Are the Champions")
Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Sheldon: (discussing their team name for the Physics Bowl) Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating one's opponent.
Raj: Then we could be the "Bengal Tigers."
Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Raj: Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.
Howard: Okay, we're going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard: Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj: How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard: Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard: We can't ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?
Leonard: Yes.
Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today's physics bowl practice round. I'm Penny, and I'll be your host, because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?
Sheldon: What rat have you recruited to the U.S.S. Sinking Ship?
Leslie Winkle: (Behind him) Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (Turns around) Leslie Winkle.
Leslie Winkle: Yeah. Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?"
Sheldon: Yes, well... I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Leslie Winkle: (sarcastically) Oh, ouch.
Dr. Gablehauser: AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon: (regarding Dmitri ringing in) Well, it's not what he said.
Dr. Gablehauser: Than what is it?
Sheldon: I want a different question.
Dr. Gablehauser: You can't have a different question.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Dr. Gablehauser: Denied.
Sheldon: Informal protest.
Dr. Gablehauser: Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.
Dr. Gablehauser: Well, that's too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
Sheldon: That's your opinion.
Howard: Oooh... more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... is an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'.
Howard: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?
Raj: How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".
(regarding the equation in the final question)
Raj: Holy crap!
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Howard: It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Leonard: You're off the team.
Sheldon: Why?
Leonard: Because you're taking all the fun out of it.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, is the winner of the Physics Bowl the team that has the most fun?
Leonard: (Sheldon tries to sit on the couch) Sorry, somebody is sitting there.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: (triumphantly) My physics bowl trophy!
Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore, you did not win.
Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: (triumphantly louder) My physics bowl trophy!
Leonard: (trophy is "speaking") Leonard is so smart! Sheldon who?
Howard: (Buzzing in and giving his correct answer to a question) Seven hundred and sixty degrees Fahrenheit. The approximate temperature of the young lady in the front row.
(Looks at her)
Dr. Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz, this is your second warning.
Penny: (Raj whispers something to Howard) What did he say?
Howard: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve.
Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in.
Leonard: (Giving it to her) Here's your team shirt.
Leslie Winkle: (Reads the front) PMS? A little early, don't you think?
Leonard: It means, "Perpetual Motion Squad".
Leslie Winkle: (Somewhat sarcastically) Oh, of course. What was I thinking?
Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Howard: Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Sheldon: (scoffing) Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.
Howard: (standing up angrily) All right, that's it!
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard: (sitting down submissively) Okay.
Raj: I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like "Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj: (in high-pitched voice) He-he-he-he-he-he!
Howard: That sounds more like "We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians."
Leonard: Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend, and my roommate.
Howard: So?
Leonard: So, nothing. Let's destroy him.
Dmitri: (Dmitri takes a quick gander at the equation, then rings in like it's nothing) The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
Sheldon: (to Dr. Gablehauser) Hang on, hang on a second, that is not our answer!
(to Dmitri)
Sheldon: What are you doing?
Dmitri: (Wearily) Answering question; winning physics bowl.
Sheldon: How do *you* know anything about physics?
Dmitri: Here I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist; Leningrad Polytechnica - Go Polar Bears.
Sheldon: That's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you kept quiet while I answered all the questions.
Dmitri: (Defiantly, without looking at him) You didn't answer question.
Sheldon: (Hissing) Listen you! You may have democracy now in your beloved Russia, but on this physics bowl team, I rule with an iron fist!
(Holds up his wrist-braced right arm with his hand clenched, then winces)
Sheldon: Owwww!
Howard: Maybe I should answer the engineering questions. I am an engineer, after all.
Sheldon: By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.
Howard: We're going to need a strong 4th for our team.
Raj: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's "Blossom." She got her Ph.D in neuroscience or something.
Leonard: Raj, we're not getting TV's "Blossom" to join our Physics Bowl team.
Raj: How about the girl from the "Wonder Years?"
Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.
Sheldon: Well... At this point I should inform you, I intend to form my own team and will destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch!
Sheldon: Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard: Lay it on me.
Sheldon: Assuming a device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual; you would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another.
Leonard: How about that.
Sheldon: Personally, I would never use a transporter, because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard: That is a problem.
Leonard: The kid got a girl.
Raj: Unbelievable.
Howard: Did anyone see how he did it?
Penny: (to Raj) Still can't talk to me unless you're drunk, huh?
Sheldon: So! This is engineering, huh?
Howard: (on phone) I'll talk to you later.
Sheldon: Engineering, where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello, Oompa Loompas of science!
Sheldon: Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to... you know, that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon: Oh, God! Now even you're smarter than me.
Howard: You know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
Sheldon: Alright, and this is my office.
Dennis Kim: Is this part of the tour?
Sheldon: Nope. Goodbye.
Howard: Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard: Then why do we go home alone every night? We're still smart.
Raj: Maybe we're too smart... so smart it's off-putting.
Howard: Yeah, let's go with that.
Penny: Oh, hey guys, what's up?
Howard: We need a hot fifteen year old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
Penny: What?
Leonard: Howard, that's racist. Any fifteen year old girl will do the trick.
(Penny slams door)
Raj: It's possible she may have misunderstood us.
Dennis Kim: (notices award certificate on wall of Sheldon's office) Wow! You won a Stevenson Award?
Sheldon: Yes! In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Dennis Kim: Really! How old?
Sheldon: Fourteen and a half.
Dennis Kim: Hm - you *were* the youngest person ever to win it.
Leonard: (grinning gleefully) It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
Dr. Gablehauser: What are you working on?
Sheldon: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I've decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I'm going to solve the Middle East crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.
Dr. Gablehauser: To what end?
Sheldon: You know, it's like the baseball movie. Build it and they will come.
Sheldon: 15 years old. Dennis Kim is 15 years old, and he's already correcting my work. Today, I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, to... You know, that other guy.
Howard: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon: Oh God, now even you are smarter than me.
Howard: You know, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
Leonard: Just eat, Sheldon, you'll feel better.
Sheldon: Why waste food? In Texas, when a cow goes dry, they don't keep feeding it, they just... take her out and shoot her between the eyes.
Penny: I'm confused. Did Sheldon stop giving milk?
Sheldon: While Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naivet?, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.
Raj: Do you know what he did? He watched me work for ten minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.
Leonard: Is that even possible?
Raj: As it turns out, yes.
Leonard: So Dennis, how long have you been in America?
Dennis Kim: A year and a half.
Leonard: No kidding? You speak English really well.
Dennis Kim: So do you.
Leonard: C'mon, Dennis, I'll show you the Rec Center. They've got Nautilus equipment.
Dennis Kim: Do I *look* like I lift weights?
Sheldon: Howard, you're a Jew. If there was another wailing wall exactly like the one in Jerusalem. but close to taco stands and cheap prescription drugs, would you still be able to wail at it?
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Yes?
Howard: Go away!
Sheldon: Did Leonard tell you to say that?
Howard: Nah, I thought of it all by myself.
Sheldon: Huh. It can't be a coincidence. There must be some causal link I'm missing.
Raj: Hey, look at that. It's Dennis Kim.
Howard: Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
Raj: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
(Kim is locked in a kiss with a blond girl)
Leonard: (sarcastic) Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Sheldon: Screw him. He was weak.
Leonard: Okay, so we now have a socially awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
Howard: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
Leonard: Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Raj: We need a social catalyst.
Leonard: Like what? We can't get fifteen year old girls drunk.
Howard: Or can we...?
Leonard: No, we can't!
Sheldon: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Leonard: (in a Yoda voice) A bad feeling I have about this, hmm.
Sheldon: I really don't understand your objections, Dr. Goldfarb. Why wouldn't the Sonora desert make a perfectly good promised land?
Professor Goldfarb: Go away.
Sheldon: We could call it Nuevo Jerusalem.
Raj: You know, if we were in India, this would be simpler. Five minutes with her dad, twenty goats and a laptop, and we'd be done.
Raj: We can't send him back to North Korea. He knows how to get out.
Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested
Penny: I really don't see what the big deal is.
Sheldon: Well, of course your don't. You've never excelled at anything.
Penny: I don't understand. Exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
Howard: We liked Leonard.
Howard: Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
Leonard: I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman "You have to frisk me. I have another rocket in my pants."
Dr. Gablehauser: Dennis, we've discussed this! We're in the process of updating our equipment, and we welcome your input on our research goals, and we've agreed to look the other way if you wanna use up to 20% of the grant money you attract to smuggle your grandfather out of Pyongyang.
Dr. Gablehauser: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a *highly* sought-after doctoral candidate, and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Leonard: Graduate work? Very impressive.
Dr. Gablehauser: And he's only 15 years old.
Sheldon: Not bad. I, myself, started graduate school at 14.
Dennis Kim: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.
Leonard: (to Sheldon) Advantage: Kim.
Howard: Sheldon, there's a diploma in my office that says I have a masters in engineering.
Sheldon: And you also have a note from your mother that says "I love you, Bubbeleh". But neither of those is a cogent argument for titanium over nanotubes.
Penny: Okay, no sponge baths, and definitely no enema.
(Beat of silence)
Sheldon: Agreed.
Sheldon: (he blows his nose very loudly and a family at the table next to him stares)
(showing them the tissue)
Sheldon: Would you call this moss green or forest green?
Sheldon: Can you sing "Soft Kitty".
Penny: What?
Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know it.
Sheldon: I'll teach you. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr." Now you.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing.
Penny: (angry) Little ball of fur.
Sheldon: Well, just as I predicted, I am sick! My fever has been tracking up exponentially since 2:00 AM, and I am producing sputum and an alarming rate.
(Coughs)
Leonard: No kidding?
Sheldon: Nope. And it has shifted from clear to milky green.
Sheldon: The nurse who worked there didn't speak any English, but when I finally managed to convince her I was sick, she said, "M?chtest Du eine Darmsp?lung?"
Penny: What does that mean?
Sheldon: Well, based on what happened next, she probably said, "Would you like an enema?"
Raj: How about Lasik?
Leonard: You want me to get eye surgery?
Raj: Would you rather go back to the apartment and deal with Sheldon or have a stranger carve up your corneas with a laser beam?
(Leonard doesn't respond)
Howard: Well?
Leonard: I'm thinking!
Leonard: How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota.
(pause)
Penny: Guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon: From the data at hand, you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.
Penny: You are a grown man. Haven't you ever been sick before?
Sheldon: Of course. But not by myself.
Penny: Really? Never?
Sheldon: Well, once, when I was fifteen and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.
Sheldon: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska, I'm fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.
Sheldon: Wait.
(hands Leonard a measuring cup)
Sheldon: Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon: It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.
Howard: (on the phone with Leonard) Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard: No, don't, don't...
Howard: (switches over) Hello?
Sheldon: Howard, I'm sick.
Howard: Uh.
(imitating his mother)
Howard: Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon: I need soup.
Howard: (still imitating his mother) Then call your own mother.
Sheldon: If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appeared, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.
Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids!
Sheldon: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionized plasma?
Sheldon: Checkmate.
Leonard: Aaow! Again?
Sheldon: Obviously, you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board.
Sheldon: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.
Penny: (Catching Leonard trying to sneak back in for his spare pair of glasses) You rat bastard!
Cheryl: Homeless crazy guy at table 18.
(Sheldon, in heavy clothing, blows his nose loudly)
Penny: No, just crazy.
Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm making Petri dishes to grow throat cultures.
Leonard: With lime Jello?
Sheldon: I need a growth medium, and *someone* polished off the apricot yogurt.
Sheldon: Usually, when I'm sick my mother always makes me this split-pea with frankfurter slices and homemade croutons.
(Sheldon, obviously sick, orders soup in the restaurant where Penny is working)
Penny: Why didn't you just have soup at home?
Sheldon: Penny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home, I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon: I did not think of that.
Howard: (Leonard, Howard and Rajesh arrived at the theater wearing chimp masks, and they see that EVERYONE ELSE is wearing chimp masks)
(disappointed)
Howard: Look at this, *everyone* went chimp.
Raj: For the record, I voted for orangutan, but you guys shouted me down.
Sheldon: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
Leonard: I don't think Penny's ever coming here again.
Sheldon: I'm very congested.
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon: Could you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucous?
Leonard: If I stand, I'll vomit.
Sheldon: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.
Howard: Take your stinking paws off my popcorn, you damn, dirty ape!
Leonard: Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
Howard: Dear Lord, not milky green.
Debbie Wolowitz: (phone rings) HOWARD, IT'S THE PHONE!
Howard: (waking up) I know it's the phone, Ma I HEAR the phone!
Debbie Wolowitz: WHO'S CALLING THAT THIS UNGODLY HOUR?
Howard: I don't know!
Debbie Wolowitz: WELL ASK THEM *WHY* THEY'RE CALLING THAT THIS UNGODLY HOUR!
Howard: How can I ask them when I'M TALKING TO YOU?
(answers phone)
Howard: Hello?
Leonard: Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
Howard: Dear lord, not milky green!
Leonard: Affirmative. With fever.
Debbie Wolowitz: WHO'S ON THE PHONE?
Howard: It's Leonard!
Debbie Wolowitz: WHY IS HE CALLING?
Howard: Sheldon's sick!
Debbie Wolowitz: WERE YOU PLAYING WITH HIM?
Howard: For God's sake, Ma! I'm 26 years old!
Debbie Wolowitz: (sarcastic) EXCUSE ME, MR GROWN-UP!
(Changing subject)
Debbie Wolowitz: WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR BREAKFAST!
Howard: (irritated) CHOCOLATE MILK AND EGGOS! PLEASE!
Sheldon: (Leonard lied to Penny) So, lack of a physiological reaction while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
Sheldon: No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
Toby: How about this as my motivation? When I was fourteen years old, I was abused in the Philippines by a clubfooted Navy chaplain.
Sheldon: No. We're going with middle child and a genetic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
Toby: Well, how do I play genetic predisposition?
Sheldon: Subtextually, of course!
(as Penny sings)
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Sheldon: I don't know, but if cats could sing... they'd hate it too.
Sheldon: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?
Penny: I remember symposium.
Sheldon: Yes, well, he lied.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny: Well, imagine how I'm feeling.
Sheldon: Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry this really isn't my strong suit.
Leonard: Why don't you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny: Oh, it was okay, I guess; wasn't a big turnout, but they both really seemed to like it.
Leonard: There were only two people there?
Penny: By the end... yeah.
Sheldon: (discussing why Leonard lied to Penny to get out of hearing her sing) Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And, what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon: I would suggest something to the effect of: "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation, nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain!"
Leonard: (as Sheldon knocks outside his door) It'd be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath.
Toby: (on couch with Penny) This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk or, or high, or, or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Penny: Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're going to do OK.
Toby: One day at a time, Penny.
(puts his head on her shoulder)
Toby: One day at a time.
Leonard: (in kitchen, to Sheldon) How long is he going to stay here?
Sheldon: He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard; where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.
Leonard: No, see, the liquid metal terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon: Okay. Then riddle me this: assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year old killer robot?
Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I dunno.
Sheldon: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.
Howard: It's your Millennium Falcon, you and Chewbacca can do whatever you want to. Me and Princess Leia here'll find some other way to spend the evening.
Leonard: I already told her a lie. Why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web.
Toby: The Philippines. 1992. The Subic Bay Naval Station. A young boy on the cusp of manhood. His only companions mongrel dogs and malarial mosquitos. Desperate and alone he reached out to a man who promised to introduce him to a merciful, loving God, but who instead introduced him to a gin pickled tongue shoved down his adolescent throat. What choice did he have but to drink, shoot and snort his pain away.
Leonard: Hang on. Hang on. Do you not realize what we just did?
Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Leonard: Ah, no, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
Penny: Ohhhh. You know, you can just get one of those universal remotes from Radio Shack. They're really cheap.
Leonard: What is this letter doing in the trash?
Sheldon: Well, it may be that a trashcan spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor suggests that someone threw it away.
Penny: (as Sheldon and Leonard fight) Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard: More often than you'd think.
Leonard: Are there any questions?
Sheldon: Yeah. What the hell was that?
Leonard: You can not blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
Penny: What is this?
Leonard: Oh, that is the bottled city of Kandor.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard: You see, Kandor was the capital city of Krypton, until it was shrunk by Braniac before Krypton was destroyed. It was then rescued by Superman.
Penny: Oh. It's nice.
Leonard: It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.
Penny: So you and Leonard, huh? A little misunderstanding?
Sheldon: A little misunderstanding? A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding...
Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP, racing down fibre-optic cable at the speed of light to San Francisco, bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the X10 receiver attached to this
(clicks mouse, lamp switches on)
Howard: lamp.
(the others cheer and clap)
Howard: .
Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer.
Sheldon: Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.
Penny: Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned "me and my girlfriend"?
Howard: Uh-oh, here comes "the talk".
Leonard: See?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Someone in Sichuan province, China, is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Penny: Oh, that's handy. Here's a question... Why?
Boys together: Because we can.
Penny: (At their mailboxes) . Get anything good?
Sheldon: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.
(Sheldon looks confused)
Penny: It was a joke.
Sheldon: Was the apple falling on Newton's head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Sheldon: I wonder if I've been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: I couldn't poop this morning.
Howard: I just checked the house, there must be twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard: Wow.
Penny: Is that good?
Leonard: In physics, twenty-five is Woodstock.
Penny: Oh, wow, a paisley shirt.
Leonard: Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit.
Penny: If you mean it should end up in the same place, then I agree.
(after Leonard and Sheldon's brawl)
Howard: You won't believe it.
Raj: Someone got the whole thing on their cell phone and put it on YouTube.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Well, who would do that?
Howard: That would be me.
Penny: (picking out clothes from Leonard's closet) Okay. Well, let's just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these...
Leonard: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny: No, this is the stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity; you won't be helping anyone.
Leonard: You know what? I am tired of your condescension. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven, like you. Maybe I got my doctorate when I was twenty-four instead of sixteen. But you are not the only person who is smarter than everybody else in this room!
(Sheldon nods pointedly at the audience)
Leonard: No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
Sheldon: So you admit you're an egotist?
Leonard: Yes!
(turning to the audience)
Leonard: My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all of my self-esteem from strangers like you. But *he's worse*!
Leonard: We have to do this.
Sheldon: No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.
Sheldon: I'm the lead author.
Leonard: Come on, the only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation with dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Now to put too fine a point to it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.
Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon: It doesn't need proving.
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They're not supposed to, but they should.
Leonard: Okay, now do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon: It's been in every wallet I've owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says, "Keep this on your person at all times". It's right here under Batman's signature.
Leonard: So you're not going to see her again?
Sheldon: Why would I see her again? I already have a dentist.
Leonard: Wait a minute. What's the plan here? Lets say he meets her, he likes her, they get married. What's he gonna do, stay drunk for the rest of his life?
Howard: Worked for my parents.
Raj: Where did my life go, Penny?
(He doesn't realise it, but he's actually talking to Penny for the first time)
Penny: Sheldon, what are you going to have?
Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the Rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon: Yes... And would you make it Diet?
Penny: There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.
Sheldon: I can practically smell the lotus blossoms woven into your ebony hair.
Lalita Gupta: Well thanks. I imagine you smell very nice too.
Sheldon: I shower twice a day and wash my hands as often as I can.
Lalita Gupta: Really? So do I.
Raj: But you're a dentist. He's nuts.
Lalita Gupta: So Sheldon, tell me more about this princess you say I look like.
Sheldon: It was said that the gods fashioned her eyes out of the stars and that roses were ashamed to bloom in the presence of her ruby lips.
Leonard: (Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar) I can't believe it! What got into him?
Penny: Oh, maybe a couple of virgin Cuba Libres that turned out to be kinda slutty.
Leonard: You didn't.
Penny: Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine.
Sheldon: How often does one see a beloved fictional character come to life?
Howard: Every year at Comic Con. Every day at Disneyland. You can hire Snow White to come to your house... Of course, they prefer it if you have a kid.
Leonard: I don't believe it. What's gotten into him?
Penny: Oh, just a couple of virgin Cuba Libres that turned out to be kinda slutty.
Sheldon: (on the phone) This is Doctor Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium... Well I'm sorry too, but there's just no room for you in my wallet... Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs... Well I'll miss you too. Bye bye.
Raj: I had such plans. I had dreams. I was going to be the Indira Gandhi of particle astrophysics. But with a penis, of course.
Howard: (calling Lalita pretending to be Raj) So, what are you wearing?
Wolowitz: Is it just me, or does web chatting with your clothes on seem a little pointless.
Mrs. Koothrappali: Do you remember Lalita Gupta?
Raj: The little fat girl who used to kick me in the samosas and call me untouchable?
Lalita: (By phone) Hi, Rajesh. Your mother gave my mother your phone number to give to me. So, I'm calling you and... call me back. Bye!
Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: O-kay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice instead; their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard: His mom's been saying that for years.
Raj: Haven't you been listening to me? I cannot talk to women!
Leonard: ...Um, Raj...
Wolowitz: No no, let's see how long it takes him.
Penny: Raj, you say you can't talk to women, but you've been talking to me!
Sheldon: And now we'll never know.
Leonard: The key to acquiring proficiency in any task is repetition.
Sheldon: With certain obvious exceptions. Suicide, for example.
Raj: (after Sheldon leaves with Lalita) What just happened?
Leonard: Beats the hell out of me.
Howard: I'll tell you what happened. I just learned how to pick up Indian chicks.
Raj: (Raj walks in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment holding his laptop open, with his parents on the screen via a webcam) Leonard, may I present, live from New Delhi, Doctor and Mrs Vyan Koothrappali.
Leonard: (waves cheerfully) Hi!
Dr. Koothrappali: Lift up the camera! I'm looking at his crotch!
Penny: (Penny is practicing mixing drinks) Okay, who's next
Howard: I'd like to try a slippery nipple.
Penny: Okay, you're cut off.
Leonard: Well Penny, we'd love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now, besides, he doesn't drink, so.
Leonard: (Raj whispers in Leonard's ear, Leonard responds) Really?
Leonard: (to Penny) Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now, and he'd like to take up drinking.
Raj: (to Sheldon) If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath!
Leonard: I'm not hitting on her!
Lalita: And I am not your lady!
Wolowitz: And you have no wrath.
Howard: I bet they love "Scrubs".
Sheldon: What's there not to love.
Raj: Ever since I was a little boy, my father wanted me to be a gynecologist, like him. How can I be a gynecologist, I can barely look a woman in the *eye*!
Wolowitz: The last girl my mom set me up with had a mustache and a vestigial tail.
Raj: Go ahead, tell my parents why they won't have any grandchildren.
Sheldon: How would I know? Do you have a low sperm count?
Raj: This has nothing to do with my sperm count.
Mrs. Koothrappali: You are wearing the boxers that we sent you, aren't you?
Raj: Yes, Mumi.
Mrs. Koothrappali: Because you know what happens to the samosas when you wear tighty-whities.
Raj: Can we please stop talking about my testicles? Sheldon, tell them what you did.
Sheldon: What did I do?
Leonard: You left with his date. Friends don't do that to each other.
Howard: See a Penny, pick her up and all the day you'll have good luck.
Penny: No you won't.
Howard: (On answering machine recording) You have reached Howard Wolowitz...
Christy: ...and Cristy.
Howard: And we can't come to the phone right now because we're having sex!
Christy: You're not going to put that on the answering machine, are you?
Howard: Just kidding, I'll re-record it.
Howard: So, what do you say? You wanna repair to casa Wolowitz?
Christy: What is that, like a Mexican deli?
Howard: I'm sorry, I should have mentioned this earlier. My last name is Wolowitz.
Christy: Oh! That's so cool.
(to Sheldon, Leonard, and Penny)
Christy: My first Jew.
Leonard: So, if you don't like this Christy, why are you letting her stay?
Penny: Well, she was engaged to my cousin while she was sleeping with my brother, so she's kind of family.
Sheldon: Yeah, I apologize for my earlier outburst. Who needs Halo when we can be regaled with the delightfully folksy tale of the whore of Omaha?
Leonard: Oh, I don't think she's a whore.
Penny: No, yeah, she's definitely a whore. I mean, she has absolutely no standards. This one time she was at... where's Howard?
Howard: (off-screen at Penny's apartment) Bonjour, mademoiselle. I understand you're new in town.
Leonard: You have a TV in your room. Why don't you just have breakfast in bed?
Sheldon: Because I am neither an invalid, nor a woman celebrating Mother's Day.
Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny: Gosh. He's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?
Leonard: Well, to be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny: Well, it's been fun.
Leonard: Penny, we make such a good team. Maybe we could enter a couple of "Halo" tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life.
Leonard: I guess for you, that's an option. Ha-ha. Ha.
Sheldon: Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
Penny: Aww, that's so sweet but I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.
Sheldon: You can't go out, it's Halo night.
Penny: Well, for Penny it's dancing night.
Sheldon: Do you go dancing every Wednesday?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then it's not dancing night.
Sheldon: (as Penny makes up the couch to sleep on she puts the pillow on the end of the couch closest to the door) Hmm-hmm, wrong.
Penny: (Turning to face Sheldon with a glare) I'm listening.
Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: It's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny: I'll risk it.
Sheldon: (high pitched) Hmm.
(and turns away)
Raj: Can we please make a decision? Not only are there children starving in India, there's an Indian starving right here.
Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: Wh-what?
Sheldon: (glaring at Leonard) He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.
Penny: (speechless)
Sheldon: It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.
Penny: Look, Howard, I know her, okay? She'll have sex with anyone as long as they keep buying her things.
Howard: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard: YAY.
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, um, Christy and Howard are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, OK? From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.
Penny: Can I hide out here for a while?
Leonard: Sure. What's going on?
Penny: Well, there's this girl I know from back in Nebraska, Christy. Anyway, she called me up and she's like "Hey, how's California?", and I'm, like, "Awesome", 'cause, you know, it's not Nebraska. And the next thing I know, she's invited herself out here to stay with me.
Sheldon: (wanting to start Halo) 8:08.
Penny: Anyway, she got here today and she's just been in my apartment yakkety yakking about every guy she slept with in Omaha, which is basically every guy in Omaha, and washing the sluttiest collection of underwear you have ever seen in my bathroom sink.
Howard: Well, is she doing it one thong at a time or does she throw it all in, like some sort of erotic bouillabaisse?
Penny: (to Leonard) He really needs to dial it down.
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.
(there is a knock at the door)
Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Penny: Anything else I should know?
Sheldon: Yes. If you use my toothbrush, I'll jump out of that window. Please don't come to my funeral.
Leonard: The only way we can play teams is if we cut Raj in half.
Raj: Oh, sure. Cut the foreigner in half. There's a billion more where he came from.
Christy: There's my little engine that could.
Howard: Chugga-chugga-chugga...
Sheldon: Well, there's one beloved children's book I'll never read again.
Leonard: You live with your mother.
Howard: I do not!... My mother lives with me.
Howard: When they perfect human cloning, I'm gonna order twelve of those.
Christy: (arguing) All I'm saying is you could take the plastic off the couch!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Why? So you and Howard can hump on it?
Penny: You used my loofah?
Howard: More precisely, we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out.
Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: No. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back story.
Penny: (explosion) Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine.
Penny: Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys!
Leonard: It's the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to
(explosion)
Sheldon: mention the fact that...
Penny: Ha Ha! There goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, that's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a
(explosion)
Sheldon: chance... now, c'mon.
(minutes later)
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered. Cover me.
Penny: Cover this suckers.
(laughs)
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yes, so is Sheldon.
(laughs)
Sheldon: Okay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
(walks away)
Penny: Wait, wait. Sheldon. Come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.
(explosion)
Penny: (laughs) Look! It's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now. You just wait until you need tech support.
Chen: Where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon: He's putting his needs above the collective good.
(to the other guys)
Sheldon: Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
Chen: *I* come from Sacramento.
Howard: Watch this. It's really cool. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Automated Cell Phone Voice: Did you say "Call Helen Boxleitner"?
Howard: No. Call Leonard Hofstadter.
Automated Cell Phone Voice: Did you say "Call Temple Beth Sader"?
Howard: No.
Leonard: Here, here, here. Let me try. Call McFlono McFlooneyloo.
Automated Cell Phone Voice: Calling Rajesh Koothrappali.
Raj: (his phone rings) Oh. That's very impressive. And a little racist.
Sheldon: If we're all through playing "mock the flawed technology", can we get on with Halo night?
Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity. I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.
Sheldon: I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.
Cheryl: (in bed with Raj)
(sighs)
Cheryl: I have to say... you are an amazing man. You're gentle... and passionate... and, my God! you are such a good listener.
Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own... language if you will.
Leonard: Go on.
Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group With the greeting: "How wasted am I?" which is met with an approving chorus of: "Dude!"
Leonard: Then what happens?
Sheldon: That's as far as I've gotten.
Sheldon: Aren't you afraid I'll embarrass you?
Leonard: Yes, but I need a wingman.
Sheldon: Alright, but if we're going to use flight metaphors, I'm much more suited to being the guy from the FAA analyzing wreckage.
Raj: (dressed as Thor, Norse God of Thunder) Hey. Sorry I'm late but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard: You went with Thor?
Raj: What? Just because I'm Indian I can't be a Norse God? No, no, no Raj has to be an Indian God. That's racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz. He's not English but he's dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon is neither sound nor light but he's obviously the Doppler effect.
Howard: I'm not Peter Pan. I'm Robin Hood.
Raj: Really? Because I saw Peter Pan and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you but it's basically the same look, man.
Leonard: (knock on the door) I'll get it!
(Leonard, dressed as the Flash, answers the door)
Howard: PSHYOOO!
(Howard zooms through the door. He's also the Flash. He and Leonard are shocked)
Leonard: Oh, no!
Sheldon: Oh, no!
(Sheldon approaches. He's also the Flash)
Raj: Make way for the fastest man alive!
(Raj comes through the door. He's the Flash as well)
Raj: Oh, no!
Sheldon: See, this is why I wanted to have a costume meeting.
Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was just, all apologetic, about how he's changed, and he was just going on and on and, and I believed him, and I'm an idiot because I always believe guys like that and... I can't go back to my party because he's there, and I know you don't want to hear this but I'm upset and I'm really drunk and I just want to talk...
(Bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard's shoulder)
Leonard: There, there.
Penny: God, what is wrong with me?
Leonard: Nothing; you're perfect.
Penny: I'm not perfect.
Leonard: Yes, you are.
Penny: You really think so, don't you?
(She kisses him)
Leonard: Penny?
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny: Just... a lot.
Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here?
Penny: It might. Boy, you're really smart.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm a frickin' genius.
Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can't all guys be like you?
Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive.
Sheldon: I'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard: We're socializing. Meeting new people...
Sheldon: Telepathically?
Leonard: (after getting kissed by Penny in his Hobbit costume) That's right, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in the Shire!
Leonard: Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short term to long-term memory?
Leonard: I'm going to assert my dominance face-to-face.
Sheldon: Face-to-face? Are you gonna wait for him to sit down, or are you gonna stand on the coffee table?
Leonard: Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra?
Sheldon: Why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves?
Leonard: Because I'm Frodo!
Sheldon: Yes... Well... I'm the Doppler effect!
Howard: If that's a working stethoscope, maybe you'd like to hear my heart skip a beat?
Roberta: No thanks.
Howard: No, seriously, you can. I have transient idiopathic arrhythmia,
Leonard: Of course we're all animals, but some of us have climbed a little higher on the evolutionary tree.
Sheldon: If he understands that, you're in trouble.
Kurt: So, what? I'm unevolved?
Sheldon: You're in trouble.
Raj: OK, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paint-ball.
Howard: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge those were some fairly savage preadolescent Jews.
Sheldon: No, we were annihilated by our own incompetent and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go!
Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard: I shot you for good reason. You were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling: "Get the kid in the yarmulke; get the kid in the yarmulke!"
Leonard: A Homo habilis man discovering his opposable thumb says what?
Kurt: (confused) What?
Raj: If only I had his confidence. I have such difficulty speaking to women. Or around women. Or at times even effeminate men.
Sheldon: Maybe she wants to be friends and he wants something more.
Leonard: Then he and I are on equal ground.
Sheldon: Yes, but you're much closer to it than he is.
Howard: Hey guys, check out the sexy nurse. I believe it's time for me to turn my head and cough.
Sheldon: Alright. I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings. We fight the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard: Not so fast. Remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard: No, no, no no. Orcs are magic; Superman is vulnerable to magic. Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj: Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard: And orcs!
Penny: I'll be back.
Raj: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva's the destroyer. When the smoke clears Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny: Alright, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.
Leonard: I thought you weren't interested in me.
Leslie: That was before I saw you handling that beautiful piece of wood between your legs.
Leonard: You mean my cello?
Leslie: No, I mean the obvious crude double entendre,
Howard: Hey, look, it's Dr. Stud.
Leonard: Doctor what?
Howard: The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Leslie Winkle making
(gibberish noises to imply sexual intercourse)
Leonard: Wha... how did it get on the Internet?
Howard: I put it there.
Leonard: Well, how did you know about it?
Raj: A little bird told us. Apparently you were a magnificent beast.
Penny: So, you know who's in there?
Sheldon: Well, there's Leonard...
(picks up violin case)
Sheldon: and he's either with Leslie Winkle or a 1930s gangster.
Sheldon: Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?
Penny: So, how's everything?
Sheldon: Terrific. You'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny: Really? Oh, yay!
Sheldon: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny: Um, I don't know. A psychiatrist?
Leslie: I admire your fingering.
Leonard: Thank you.
Leslie: Maybe sometime you can try that on my instrument.
Leonard: Penny? What about her?
Leslie: Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you're a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.
Raj: (at the Cheesecake Factory) Oh, no.
Howard: What?
Raj: She didn't take my order.
Howard: How can she take your order when you're too neurotic to talk to her?
Penny: Hey, Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols. It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.
Leslie: The Physics department string quartet needs a new cellist.
Leonard: What happened to Elliot Wong?
Leslie: He switched over to high-energy radiation research, had a little mishap, and now the other guys are uncomfortable sitting next to him.
Leslie: (Penny and Sheldon are listening in to Leonard's room through the door)
(monotone)
Leslie: Oh Leonard, you magnificent beast.
Leonard: Why are you smashing a flash-frozen banana?
Leslie: 'Cause I got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.
Sheldon: I don't know what the protocol is here? Do I stay? Do I leave? Do I wait to greet them with a refreshing beverage?
Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you're asking the wrong girl. I'm usually on the other side of the tie.
Sheldon: (Sheldon shows Penny the tie hanging from Leonard's doorknob) What does it mean?
Penny: Oh come on, you went to college.
Sheldon: Yes, but I was eleven.
Leslie Winkle: We rehearse on Tuesday's at your place.
Leonard: Why at my place?
Leslie Winkle: Yeah, the Department of Energy said our regular space is kind of a hot zone.
Sheldon: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard: I'm sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon: Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.
Leonard: Leslie and I do research together at the university.
Penny: Oh, wow! A girl scientist.
Leslie Winkle: Yup, come for the breasts, stay for the brains.
Sheldon: (learning Leonard has a girl over) This is very awkward.
Penny: Oh, come on. You know, Leonard's had girls over before, right?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. But there's usually planning, courtship, advance notice. You know, last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
Penny: Wait, wait. You had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
Sheldon: I didn't *have* to, the dates just happened to coincide.
Leonard: Well, what did she mean by that? Or was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?
Sheldon: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single-decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double-decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.
Leonard: Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon: Of course I'm listening. "Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah."
Leonard: Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup.
Penny: I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.
Sheldon: (furious that Leslie wrote on his board) I don't come in to your house and touch your board!
Leslie Winkle: There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Sheldon: Oh, that is so... so...
Leslie Winkle: I'm sorry, I gotta run. If you come up with an adjective, text me.
Sheldon: (after Leslie leaves and a brief pause) Inconsiderate. THAT is the adjective! Inconsiderate.
Leslie: Just so we're clear, you understand that me hanging back to practice with you is a pretext for letting you know that I'm sexually available.
Leslie: Listen, neither of us are neuroscientists, but we both understand the biochemistry of sex. I mean, dopamine in our brains is released across synapses, causing pleasure. You stick electrodes in a rat's brain, give him an orgasm button, he'll push that thing until he starves to death.
Leonard: Well, who wouldn't?
Leslie: Well, the only difference between us and the rat is that you can't stick an electrode in our hypothalamus. That's where you come in.
Leonard: Yeah, well, I'm just glad to be a part of it. So what happens now?
Leslie: I don't know about your sex drive, but I'm probably good till New Year's.
Mary: I tell you, I love the boy to death but he has been difficult since he fell outta me at the K-Mart.
Penny: How come you didn't go into work today?
Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned... but, yeah.
Mary: (Laying out a pair of pants) You put those on.
Sheldon: What for?
Mary: Because you're going to go down to your office, you're going to apologise to your boss and get your job back.
Sheldon: No.
Mary: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words "If it pleases your highness"?
Dr. Gablehauser: (Hinting to Sheldon that he got his job back) Sheldon, shouldn't you be working?
Penny: Oh, my God, this is the best cobbler I've ever had.
Mary: It was always Sheldon's favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mary: Lard.
Sheldon: The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: Do you know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.
Sheldon: I'm not going to apologize. I didn't say anything that wasn't true.
Mary: (Firmly) Now you listen here, I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: (All but yelling) Because people don't like it! Remember all the ass-kickings you got from the neighbor kids?
(Drops a pair of shoes down)
Mary: Now let's get crackin'! Shower, shirt, shoes, and let's shove off!
Sheldon: How's this: Pleased to meet you, Dr. Gablehauser. How fortunate for you that the University's chosen to hire you despite the fact that you've done no original research in 25 years and instead have written a series of popular books that reduced the great concepts of science to a series of anecdotes, each one dumbed down to accommodate the duration of an average bowel movement... mahalo.
Leonard: Mahalo's a nice touch.
Sheldon: There's some value to taking a multivitamin, but the human body can only absorb so much. What you're buying here are the ingredients for very expensive urine.
Mary: (tucking Sheldon into bed) I'm very proud of you, honey; you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
(she starts to leave)
Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Mm-hm?
Sheldon: Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy?
Mary: We'll see. Sleep tight.
Mary: Leonard, the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. Thankfully He blessed me with two other children who are dumb as soup.
Mary: He gets his temper from his daddy. He's got my eyes. All that science stuff, oh, that comes from Jesus.
Mary: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: (Opens Sheldon's wardrobe and starts to get his clothes out) Well, I'm done fishing.
Sheldon: You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.
Leonard: (He and an older woman come upstairs) Thanks for coming on such short notice.
Mary: (Quietly) You did the right thing calling.
Leonard: I didn't know what to do. He's lost all focus. Every day he's got a new obsession.
(They enter the apartment and see Sheldon at work at a loom)
Leonard: This is a particularly disturbing one.
Sheldon: (He turns around on that and is shocked to see her) Mommy?
Mary: (Walks up and hugs him) Hi baby!
(as she does, Sheldon looks at Leonard and mouths, "You called my mother?" to which Leonard has a guilt look on his face)
Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an incredible leap forward.
Mary Cooper: You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mary Cooper: Lard!
Mary Cooper: That looks awful fancy. What is that?
Sheldon: It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon-based life form.
Sheldon: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?
Howard: Hey, what up, science bitches?
Sheldon: The thing about tomatoes - and I think you'll really enjoy this - is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
Penny: Mm, interesting.
Sheldon: Isn't it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.
Leonard: So... fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights.
Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "with all due respect."
Sheldon: Let me do the math for you. This car weighs, lest say 4000 pounds. Now add 140 for me, 120 for you.
Penny: 120?
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I insult you? Is your body mass somehow tied into your self-worth?
Penny: Well, yeah.
(to Raj)
Mary: I made chicken. I hope that isn't one of the animals that you people think is magic.
Koothrappali: Oh, God, look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: Don't they have buffets in India?
Koothrappali: Of course, but it's all Indian food. Try and find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.
Leonard: What happened to your scrambled egg research?
Sheldon: Oh, that was a dead end. Scrambled eggs are as good as they're ever going to be.
Sheldon: There are a lot of advantages to buying in bulk. For example, I noticed that you purchase your tampons one-month supply at a time.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Think about it. It's a product that doesn't spoil and you're going to be needing them for at least the next 30 years.
Penny: You want me to buy 30 years worth of tampons?
Sheldon: Well, 30, 35... When did your mother go into menopause?
Penny: I'm not talking about this with you.
Sheldon: This is a natural human process, and we're talking about statistically significant savings. Now, if you assume 15 tampons per cycle and a 28-day cycle... Are you fairly regular?
Leonard: Here comes our new boss. Be polite.
Dr. Gablehauser: (approaching) Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.
Howard: (shaking hands) Howard Wolowitz.
Dr. Gablehauser: Howard. Nice to meet you.
(turning to Sheldon)
Dr. Gablehauser: And you are?
Sheldon: (shaking hands) An actual real scientist.
(turning to Leonard)
Sheldon: How was that?
Mary Cooper: I remember one summer when he was 13. He built a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was gonna provide free electricity for the whole town. Well, the only problem was, he had no what you call fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the internets to get some, a man from the government come by and sat him down real gentle and told him it's against the law to have yellow-cake uranium in a shed.
Penny: What happened?
Mary Cooper: Well, poor boy had a fit. Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
Leonard: A death ray?
Mary Cooper: Well that's what he called it. Didn't even slow down the neighbor kids. It pissed our dog off to no end.
Summer: (to Howard, after he introduces her to the others as his 'special lady friend") I told you, touching is extra.
Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.
Mary: (praying before dinner; aside to Raj and Howard) Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm gonna end with "In Jesus' Name," but you two don't feel any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.
Sheldon: (reluctantly apologizing to Dr. Gablehauser) As you know, several weeks ago in our first encounter, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong... to point it out.
Mary: Honey, why did you get a loom?
Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish and I thought... hey. Loom.
Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mary: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.
Sheldon: This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!
Penny: When one door closes another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the Sword Master!
Leonard: I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Wolowitz: Because he looks better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kind of dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.
Sheldon: Oh, come on, Leonard... This is obviously about Penny
Leonard: It doesn't matter. The woman's not interested in me. The woman rejected me.
Sheldon: Okay, look. Ahem. I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble telescope does of discovering at the center of every black hole is a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker. Nevertheless, I do feel obligated to point out to you that she did not reject you. You did not ask her out.
Leonard: You're right. I didn't ask her out. I should ask her out.
Sheldon: No, no, no. That was not my point. My point was, don't buy a cat.
Sheldon: Do you really think that your relationship needs will be fulfilled by a genetically altered cat?
Leonard: Maybe, if it's a cute, cuddly cat.
Penny: Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny: Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I'm going to go lay down for a while, good night.
(about Leonard dating Penny)
Leonard: Oh you know what maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Sheldon: Oh no, no, no well, no. There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.
Wolowitz: So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard: We tried kissing but the Earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles it was gonna move anyway.
(Leonard hits his head under the table at the restaurant)
Penny: Are you OK ?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm OK... Did you spill ketchup ?
Penny: No.
Leonard: I'm not OK!
Koothrappali: Tonight I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: I'm a perfectly nice guy! There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe we could go for a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common: You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause-we both know what's happening-I lean in and we kiss; it's a little tentative at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back and she's biting my lower lip, you know? She wants me! This thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh, God, oh my GOD!
(Leonard descends into a panic attack)
Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?
Sheldon: Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you!
Sheldon: I'm all sweaty. Anybody want to log on to Second Life? I just had a swimming pool built.
Wolowitz: No, thank you. I can't stand to look at you or your avatar right now.
Sheldon: So? How was your date?
Leonard: Awesome!
Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgment.
Leonard: Can you tell that I'm sweating?
Sheldon: No, the crescent-shaped stains under your armpits conceal it quite nicely.
Wolowitz: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm bit of a self taught expert.
Leonard: Look Howard if I were to ask Leslie Winkle out it would just be for dinner. I'm not gonna walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Wolowitz: Oh, then you're probably OK.
Leonard: I was thinking more of a bio-social exploration with a neuro-chemical overlay.
Leslie Winkle: Wait, are you asking me out?
Leonard: I was going to characterize it as the modification of our colleague/friendship paradigm, with the addition of a date-like component, but we don't need to quibble over terminology.
Leslie Winkle: What sort of experiment would you propose?
Leonard: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area. I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie Winkle: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the biochemical reaction during the goodnight kiss?
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, etc. Yes.
Leslie Winkle: Well, why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean, kiss you now?
Leslie Winkle: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie Winkle: Closed mouth, but romantic. Mint?
Leonard: Thank you. Shall I count down from three?
Leslie Winkle: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.
(they kiss)
Leslie Winkle: What do you think?
Leonard: You proposed the experiment. I think you should present your findings first.
Leslie Winkle: Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.
Leonard: None?
Leslie Winkle: None.
Leonard: Ah, well, thank you for your time.
(they shake hands)
(Leonard is depressed over seeing Penny with another guy and is handling it by listening to emo music and considering buying a cat. He enters with headphones on singing "Boston" by Augustana, badly)
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... '
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord.
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't wear my chaaaiiins, oh yeah... '
(takes off headphones)
Leonard: That's a good song!
Sheldon: If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide.
Wolowitz: Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon. A relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms. Or hits you with the pepper spray...
Leonard: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: Internet's been down for half an hour.
Koothrappali: Also, Sheldon may be a robot.
Penny: (Leonard bangs his head under the table) Are you okay?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm okay. Hey, Penny... did you spill any ketchup?
Penny: No.
Leonard: I am NOT okay!
Leslie Winkle: I'm trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen-iodine laser to heat up my Cup-A-Noodles.
Howard: (Leonard, Sheldon, Howard & Raj are on their laptops playing an online role playing game) All right, just a few more feet and...
(pause)
Howard: Here we are gentlemen, the Gates Of Elzebub.
Sheldon: Good lord!
Leonard: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard: Stay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword Of Azeroth.
Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands.
Sheldon: Lock and load.
Howard: Raj, blow the gates.
Raj: Blowing the gates.
(pressing keys)
Raj: Control, shift, B.
(sound of the gates blowing)
Raj: Oh my God, so many goblins!
Howard: Don't just stand there, slash and move! Slash and move!
Leonard: Stay in formation!
Howard: Leonard, you've got one on your tail!
Leonard: That's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off!
Raj: I got him Leonard. Tonight, I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: Raj, no, it's a trap! Thay're flanking us!
Raj: (in a wimpy tone) Oh, he's got me.
Howard: Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleep spell! Sheldon!
(changes to an annoyed whisper)
Howard: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I've got the Sword Of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon! I am the sword master!
Howard: Leonard look out!
Leonard: Damn it man, we're dying here!
Sheldon: Goodbye peasents.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.
Raj: (looks at Sheldon's screen) He's selling the sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?
Wolowitz: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Wolowitz: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Koothrappali: You might be bound by them right now.
Wolowitz: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Koothrappali: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Wolowitz: I smell robot.
Sheldon: I have noticed that Leslie Winkle recently started shaving her legs. Now given that winter is coming, one can only assume she's signaling sexual availability.
Leonard: I'm fine. Penny's fine. The guy she's kissing is really fine.
Wolowitz: Kissing? What kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chase? French?
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Wolowitz: I'm a romantic!
Penny: Was it hard to get it up the stairs?
Sheldon: Pfffff...
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: No.
Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon: Look, this is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy!
Wolowitz: What's his problem?
Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard: (after playing DDR) Grab a napkin, homie. You just got served.
Leonard: Do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: Wow, a marathon, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You're kidding, right?
Penny: You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?
Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz: *One.*
(Raj holds up one finger)
Sheldon: You know that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy?
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly...
Sheldon: No, no, let's assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.
Leonard: Well, excuse me! Your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow sun!
Wolowitz: And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the Moon's solar reflection, and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny: I'm just gonna go wash up.
Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to "Kryptonian skin cells."
Sheldon: Challenge accepted!
(walks to door)
Sheldon: We're locked out...
Koothrappali: Also, the pretty girl left.
Leonard: I guess we will just bring it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: We don't have a dolly or lifting belts or any measurable upper body strength.
Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won't color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.
Penny: (Penny screams from her apartment) SON OF A BITCH!
Leonard: Penny's up.
Penny: YOU SICK, GEEKY BASTARDS!
Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort organize and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.
Penny: You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?
Leonard: Yes, but only to clean.
Sheldon: Really more to organize. You're not actually dirty, per se.
Penny: Give me back my key.
(Leonard hands said key back)
Leonard: I'm very, very sorry.
Penny: Do you understand how creepy this is?
Leonard: Uh, yes. We discussed it at length last night.
Penny: In my apartment? While I was *sleeping*?
Sheldon: And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection. But it could be sleep apnea. You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist. The throat doctor.
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
(behind Penny, Leonard holds up a piece of paper with "sarcasm" scribbled on it)
Sheldon: Oh.
Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Those would be men who just had sex.
Wolowitz: Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.
Leonard: What?
Wolowitz: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Koothrappali: Hello. Sorry I'm late, but I was in the hallway chatting up Penny.
Wolowitz: Really? You, Rajesh Koothrappali, spoke to Penny?
Koothrappali: Actually, I was less the chatter than the chattee.
Sheldon: Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.
Sheldon: Great Caesar's ghost! Look at this place.
Leonard: So Penny's a little messy.
Sheldon: A little messy! The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little mess- this is chaos!
Leonard: You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don't think that crosses the line?
Leonard: Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?
Sheldon: (in a deep voice) If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.
Penny: OK, this place does look pretty good.
Leonard: Any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all require a green lantern and a power ring.
Leonard: Do you realize that if Penny wakes up there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here.
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, you gave me an explanation; its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous... I have no peers.
Penny: Hey Raj.
(no response)
Penny: Still not talking to me?
Sheldon: Don't take it personally. It's his pathology. He can't talk to women.
Howard: He can't talk to attractive women, or in your case, a cheesecake-scented goddess.
Leonard: Is this the high IQ sperm bank?
Nurse Althea: If you have to ask, maybe you shouldn't be here.
Leonard: Oh, I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.
Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No, we're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the season two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.
Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.
Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!
Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?
Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.
Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.
Penny: (to Raj) I'm sorry, do you speak English?
Wolowitz: Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women.
Penny: Really? Why?
Wolowitz: He's kind of a nerd. Juice box?
Penny: I'm a vegetarian. Except for fish. And the occasional steak, I love steak!
Leonard: So, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: (stares at Sheldon in utter confusion) Participateinthewhat?
Leonard: (scrambling to save face) I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.
Sheldon: If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: (going on anyway) If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care.
(thinks about it)
Leonard: Two milli - that doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No - that was the result of my work with lasers.
Sheldon: And why can't she get her own TV?
Leonard: Come on, you know how it is with break-ups.
Sheldon: No, I don't and neither do you.
Leonard: But I -- I broke up with Joyce Kim.
Sheldon: You did not break-up with Joyce Kim, she defected to North Korea.
Leonard: To mend her broken heart.
Wolowitz: It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This isn't a good time.
Wolowitz: (talking like a computer) "It's befooore he becaame a creeepy computer voooice!"
Sheldon: It's just some quantum mechanics with a little string theory doodling around the edges. That part there, that's just a joke. It's a spoof of the Born-Oppenheimer approximation.
Penny: So you're like one of those Beautiful Mind genius guys. This is really impressive.
Leonard: I have a board. If you like boards, this is my board.
Penny: Holy smokes!
Sheldon: If by "holy smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you can find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Leonard: We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.
Sheldon: You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart *AND* beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.
Leonard: (discussing Sheldon's work) At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In *all* of them, that is the point!
Leonard: Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
(two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens)
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?
Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun in this town?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.
Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Wolowitz: Yeah, right, your grandmother's back in town?
Wolowitz: Enchant?, mademoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Caltech department of applied physics, you may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high resolution digital photographs...?
Penny: Penny... I work at the Cheesecake Factory!
Sheldon: I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.
Sheldon: But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler that doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.
Sheldon: So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed. What's your point?
Sheldon: It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.
Sheldon: Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.
Wolowitz: Bonne Douche!
Penny: I'm sorry?
Wolowitz: It's French for "Good shower". It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.
