S06E09 - The Parking Spot Escalation

No: 120  |  Season: 6   Episode: 9  |  Air Date: 2012-11-29  |  Runtime: mins

Howard: Sheldon, that is a five hundred dollar limited edition collectible, and I want it back. Sheldon: I'd love to help you out, but unfortunately, I'm using it.

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Summary

The gang are drawn into a fight between Howard and Sheldon over Sheldon's vacant parking spot at the university.

Director and Writers

Director: Peter Chakos
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Eric Kaplan & Adam Faberman / Teleplay by: Steven Molaro & Steve Holland & Maria Ferrari

Script

Script: S06E09 - The Parking Spot Escalation

Quotes

(Amy and Bernadette's arguing over the parking spot resulted in Penny being hit in the face and badly bruised)
Bernadette: Amy, you think maybe this has gotten a little out of hand?
Penny: (pained) Gee, you think?
Amy: I do. Penny, Bernadette and I are sorry.
Bernadette: (enraged) You hit her! What did I do?
Amy: You had my car towed!
Bernadette: (yelling) You were parked in Howard's spot!
Amy: (yelling) I was parked in Sheldon's spot!
Bernadette: (arguing back) Sheldon doesn't HAVE a spot!
Penny: Guys, I think I need to go to the emergency room!
Bernadette: Okay, let's go.
(they take Penny by her arms and escort her out)
Amy: I'll drive. You can see where the tow truck scratched my car.
Bernadette: The tow truck didn't scratch your car.
Amy: How do you know?
Bernadette: 'CAUSE I DID IT!

Sheldon: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

Raj: (to Leonard) If a zombie bites a vampire, and the vampire bites a human, does the human become a vampire or a zombie? Or a "zompire"?

Penny: Howard's mother is in, like, every one of your wedding photos.
Bernadette: What can I tell you? She's a big girl. Wherever you look, there she is.

Sheldon: (phone talk) President Seibert, listen to reason. Yeah, I understand I don't use the parking spot. That's not the point. I...
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware you told me not to call you at home. But you didn't answer the door. And I know you were there because I saw you through the mail slot.
Sheldon: Yeah, well, that's some salty language.May I remind you, you're the president of a major university, not the president of the Potty Mouth Club.
Sheldon: There it is again. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry for your loss. Good night, sir.
Sheldon: (to Leonard) Unbelievable! He says Wolowitz deserves my spot because he's a high-profile asset to the university.
Leonard: Well, he's not wrong. Howard did go to the International Space Station.
Sheldon: That was five weeks ago. How much longer is he gonna milk that cow?
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go. It's not a big deal.
Sheldon: No. No, this is a slippery slope, Leonard. See, it starts with a parking space. Where does it end? It's like my dad always said, "First they say you can't drink and drive. Next you can't let your 10-year-old take the wheel while you sleep one off in the backseat."

Sheldon: That's my parking spot.
Raj: Why do you have a parking spot? You don't have a car. You don't drive.
Sheldon: It doesn't matter. That's my spot.
Leonard: Maybe they reassigned it because you never use it.
Sheldon: I'm not using my nipples either. Maybe they should reassign those.
Howard: Sheldon, someday, if you get a car, I'm sure they'll give you another parking space.
Sheldon: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. Well, it's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days, and is also home to a delightful squirrel which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.
Howard: Fun story. Meanwhile, you still don't have a car.
Sheldon: Don't try to change the subject. This is about a parking space. It has nothing to do with cars.
Howard: Are you listening to yourself?
Sheldon: I always listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life. Now get your car out of my spot.

Sheldon: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard: Thank you.
Sheldon: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.
Sheldon: There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.
Raj: Just say it.
Howard: You're the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.

Bernadette: Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it because your sex life, like Sheldon's work, is also theoretical?
Penny: Damn...!
Amy: At least when we *do* make love, he wouldn't be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that's a cleverly veiled reference to Howard's lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb!

Bernadette: (Coming up the stairs with Penny) We're so proud of you, Amy. Your first bikini wax.
(Amy is following them up stumbling and walking awkwardly, she does straighten up once she's on the floor)
Penny: Yeah. So how you doing?
Amy: Oh, a little sensitive, but not bad. Does it always take that long?
Penny: No, they don't usually have to go out and get more wax.
Amy: (as they enter the apartment) I feel like I'm five pounds lighter.
Bernadette: Really? Only five?

Sheldon: You know what they say: Revenge is a dish best served nude.

Howard: (arguing with Sheldon) Are you even listening to yourself?
Sheldon: Of course I listen to myself. It's one of the great joys of my life.

Amy: (confronting Penny and Bernadette in the former's apartment) Oh, looks like someone's on Team Bernadette. Where's Howard?
Bernadette: He's not here. What's wrong?
Amy: (sharply) He had my car towed! It cost me two hundred dollars to get it back.
Bernadette: Oh, no. Where was it parked?
(Penny looks surprised)
Amy: In Sheldon's spot.
Bernadette: That doesn't make sense. Sheldon doesn't have a spot. Was it maybe in Howard's spot?
(Penny looks concerned at the thought of them arguing)
Amy: Don't play dumb with me, sister! You tell your husband he owes me two hundred dollars.
Bernadette: Well, that doesn't make sense, either.
Amy: Why not?
Bernadette: Because I'm the one who had it towed.
Amy: You?
Bernadette: Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
Amy: Oh, yeah? Well, you're not gonna see this coming!
(she swings her handbag at Bernadette, who ducks, and Amy ends up hitting Penny instead)

Sheldon: (to Howard) Payback! It certainly *is* the B word!

Sheldon: A naked man sat on it. Now, here's my concern. His diet is rich in fatty deli meats. What tests do you have to detect lipid residue?
Dry Cleaner: Lipid what?
Sheldon: Lipid residue. An anal autograph. A colon calling card, if you will.

Leonard: Your hypothesis is completely disconfirmed by all the data. You're just clinging to it out of intellectual stubbornness.
Raj: No, you're displaying a shocking ignorance of the subject matter. Mummies and zombies are the exact same thing.
Leonard: Oh yeah? Mummies are wrapped in bandages.
Raj: That's called a fashion choice.
Leonard: Alright, you brought this on yourself. Sheldon, get him.
Sheldon: If a zombie bites you, you turn into a zombie. However, if a mummy bites you, all you turn into is some schmo with a mummy bite. So, like a zombie that's been eaten from the waist down, You, sir, have no leg to stand on.

(Amy and Bernadette are arguing over the parking spot, and Amy tries to hit Bernadette with her handbag, but Bernadette ducks, and Amy hits Penny instead)
Penny: (crying out in pain) You idiot! What the hell do you have in there?
Amy: Just my wallet, keys and a coffee can full of change I've been meaning to take to the bank!
Bernadette: (running off) Don't move, I'll get some ice!
Amy: Are you okay?
Penny: (clutching her face) Get away from me, or I swear to God I will rip out what's left of your pubes!
Bernadette: (returning with a bag of frozen peas) Here.
Penny: (groaning in pain) Thanks.

Penny: I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. Yeah, it's a bad idea.

Sheldon: Looks like that laptop's seen better days. If you're interested, I'm selling this. It's only 2 years old, there's 16 gigabytes of RAM, Intel core i7 processor, and I can personally guarantee it has spent less than 20 minutes resting on an astronaut's penis.

Howard: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon: (seeing Howard naked on the couch) AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard: He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon: Get off there.
Howard: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon: Give me back my parking space.
Howard: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon: Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
Howard: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj: (to Leonard) I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.

Notes and Trivia

During Bernadette and Amy's initial argument, when Penny says, "Damn!", it wasn't scripted.

Sheldon's explanation of why he prefers his old parking spot (it is a corner spot that reduces the risk of door-dings in half, it's very close to the building entrance, a nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel) is analogous to his explanation of why he prefers his spot on the couch from Pilot (2007) (In the winter it's close enough to the radiator to remain warm but not cause perspiration, in the summer it's directly in the path of a cross breeze from the windows, it faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion).

Sheldon's parking spot is #294. The two campus buildings adjacent to parking spot 294 are the Loeb Building and the Bendis Building.

While discussing the nature of vampires, mummies, and zombies, Raj mentions zompires which are creatures recently introduced in Buffy the Vampire Slayer season 9 comic.

Goofs

None

Cast

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