Big Bang Theory Script

Scene: Sheldon and Amy's apartment.

Amy: If we're going to be staying in this apartment, would you be interested in doing a little redecorating?

Sheldon: Oh, actually, I would.

Amy: Great, what'd you have in mind?

Sheldon: Let's take every single thing from the other apartment and put it in here.

Amy: Well, how about we start a little smaller? Like moving the furniture around.

Sheldon: You know, I have always thought that this couch would look fantastic on the curb in front of the building.

Amy: Look, we can't just throw away Penny's stuff, but we can ask if she wants any of it back.

Sheldon: You know, I wonder how she feels about all this artwork.

Amy: Well, I'm sure she misses this one. I mean, it's the greatest gift I've ever given anybody.

Sheldon: It truly does capture the beauty of your friendship with Penny.

Amy: It may have appreciated in value. The artist killed himself shortly after painting that.

Sheldon: Yeah, it seems only right that she have it back.

Amy: I can't wait to see the look on her face when I give it to her again.

Scene: At the apartment door.

Sheldon: Look, it's the same smile she has in the painting.

Credits sequence.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Yeah, there's hooks in the closet, I can hang it right now.

Penny: Oh, no, no, those hooks are gone.

Sheldon: What happened to them?

Penny: Uh, we ran out of candy on Halloween, I was just giving everything away.

Leonard: Hey, guys, what are you, oh, that's here, cool.

Penny: Amy wants me to have it.

Amy: Well, it would be selfish of me to keep it.

Penny: But it's a picture of you.

Amy: And you.

Penny: But you commissioned it.

Amy: To give to you.

Penny: But you like it so much.

Amy: So do you.

Penny: I seem to be losing.

Leonard: Yes, you do.

Sheldon: You know, Leonard, the more I think about it, there are a number of mutually owned items in this apartment that you and I should go through. Uh, for example, who gets our beloved sword, Longclaw?

Penny: Why don't you keep it?

Sheldon: That seems fair, we did just give you the painting.

Penny: Yeah, I don't need anything around that I can stab myself with.

Sheldon: Wonderful, Longclaw is mine. And how about you keep our avocado plant?

Leonard: Sounds right, a limited edition collectible worth hundreds of dollars and a thing that grew out of a thing we fished from the trash.

Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did just move in together, and a plant is a lovely housewarming gift.

Leonard: Fine, take the plant.

Sheldon: Oh, we got a sword and a plant, our apartment's really shaping up.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette's kitchen.

Bernadette: Stuart, you didn't have to get us a baby gift.

Stuart: Oh. Just homemade coupons for things you might need help with before the baby gets here. Going to the grocery store, driving you to the doctor, if you're not in a hurry I can dig you a koi pond.

Bernadette: A foot massage?

Stuart: And that's not me being creepy, that's for either of you.

Howard: This is very nice Stuart, thank you.

Bernadette: How come this one's on the back of an eviction notice?

Stuart: Oh, yeah. Uh, now that you mention it, can I live here?

Bernadette: Stuart, we'd love to help you out, but this a bad time, we're about to have a baby.

Stuart: Or is that why this is a great time? Think about it, when that baby comes you're gonna need all the help you can get.

Bernadette: Thank you, but I'm not really sure.

Howard: Hang on, maybe it's not the worst idea. I mean, he did do a good job taking care of my mother.

Stuart: That woman didn't get heat rash once with me on powder patrol.

Bernadette: I guess you could stay for a few days and we'll see how it goes.

Stuart: Thank you. And it's only temporary, just till I get back on my feet, or the baby goes off to college, whichever happens first.

Howard: When would you move in?

Stuart: Well, uh, my car broke down in your driveway, so I'm gonna say now. But I am ready to be helpful. In fact, I'm gonna go vacuum.

Bernadette: Hmm. Actually I just did that this morning.

Stuart: Okay, then I'll dust.

Bernadette: I did that, too.

Stuart: Then I'll check the batteries in the smoke detectors.

Bernadette: Howard just did that.

Howard: Yeah, let him do it.

Scene: The apartment.

Sheldon: Oh. Remember when we got this at Comic-Con?

Leonard: Oh, yeah. The Mr. Spock cuckoo clock.

Mr. Spock Cuckoo Clock: Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper. Live long and prosper.

Sheldon: It's one of a kind.

Penny: So if it breaks there'd be none of it?

Sheldon: Well, Leonard, you know, who should keep this? On the one hand, I love Mr. Spock more than you do. On the other hand, I care more about clocks than you do.

Leonard: So you think you should keep it?

Sheldon: I'll be right across the hall. You'll probably be able to hear it.

Leonard: Keep the clock, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Thank you.

Penny: Thank you.

Amy: Thank you?

Sheldon: Oh, now, what about our 3-D chess set?

Leonard: Let me guess, you want it.

Sheldon: Well, no, I just didn't think you'd want a physical reminder of a game you never managed to win. As a kindness, I should probably take all the games.

Leonard: You know what, Sheldon, take it. In fact, you can have everything, I really don't care.

Sheldon: Are you sure? These items represent our shared times together.

Leonard: Well, now they're yours.

Penny: Leonard.

Leonard: Well, you know what's gonna happen, he's just gonna come up with some reason why everything should be his.

Sheldon: For a man so good at predicting my moves, how come you stink at 3-D chess?

Amy: Sheldon, you're, you're being a little selfish. Why don't you let Leonard keep a few things?

Sheldon: It's not my fault I'm bad at sharing, I skipped kindergarten.

Leonard: You know what? There is one thing I would like.

Sheldon: Yeah, take whatever you want.

Leonard: I would like to keep the official flag of our apartment.

Sheldon: But you don't even like flags.

Leonard: Yeah, I like this one.

Sheldon: But I designed it.

Leonard: But you made me order it because you were too well-known in the flag community and they'd jack up the price.

Sheldon: But you don't even understand its symbolism.

Leonard: Oh, I do. The, the field of blue represents you being miserable, and the lion sticking its tongue out means I'm happy about it.

Sheldon: Come along, Amy. I know when I'm not wanted.

Amy: I don't think you do, but all right.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette's dining room.

Bernadette: Stuart, you cooked?

Howard: How did you know it wasn't me?

Bernadette: There's only three people in this house, and you'd still be my fifth guess.

Howard (door bell rings): That's Raj.

Stuart: You guys relax, I'll get it. Have some bread while it's still warm.

Howard: It's like we have a butler. If I had a Batsuit I'd be Bruce Wayne.

Bernadette: You have a Batsuit.

Howard: It's pajamas, there's no cape.

Stuart: Hey, Raj.

Raj: Hey, Stuart. What are you doing here?

Stuart: Oh, I'm living here again.

Raj: Do, uh, Howard and Bernadette know? Or is it like a possum in the walls kind of thing?

Stuart: No, I needed a place to stay and, with the baby coming, I figured they could use some extra help.

Raj: Okay, cool.

Stuart: Anyway, come on in, dinner's ready.

Raj: Oh, but I bought Chinese takeout.

Stuart: Oh, okay. Well, if Bernadette wants her ankles to swell up even more, she can have that.

Scene: The apartment.

Leonard: Is the Wi-Fi working for you?

Penny: Uh, hang on. I don't think so, I'm clicking on one weird trick for a flat belly, but I'm still seeing celebrities who look like their pets.

Leonard: Oh, I knew it, Sheldon changed the password.

Penny: Are you sure?

Leonard: Well, the new network name is ha ha ha, now I've got you, so it's either Sheldon or Gargamel from The Smurfs.

Penny: What a jerk.

Leonard: You're good at revenge, how do we get him back?

Penny: Well, my go-to move is usually sleep with the person's boyfriend, but I kind of feel like I'm already doing that.

Leonard: Sheldon, I know what you did, now change the password back.

Sheldon: Well, powder me in sugar and call me a doughnut, if it isn't Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard: Sheldon, I'm warning you, I can play this game, too.

Sheldon: If it's like your 3-D chess game, then you're out of your length, width and depth. Amy, get the Neosporin, somebody just got burned.

Leonard: All right, I tried.

Sheldon: All right, I tried. That should be the title of your autobiography. Ooh, a second-degree burn.

Amy: I've got the Neosporin. Who got hurt?

Sheldon: It's a good thing you're cute.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette's dining room.

Raj: So, I was reading how it's a good idea for new parents to take an infant CPR class.

Bernadette: Yeah, we've been meaning to do that.

Stuart: Oh, I know a CPR instructor who'll come to the house.

Howard: That'd be great.

Stuart: I'll give him a call. We met when I was sleeping on the beach and he thought I was dead.

Bernadette: Thank you again for cooking. It's getting tough for me to be on my feet all day.

Stuart: You just kick back and relax, I've got it all under control.

Raj: Although it was already under control.

Stuart: I'm sorry, you mumbled something?

Raj: It's just that they've had plenty of help.

Stuart: Well, you know what they say, it takes a village.

Raj: Well, they already had a village.

Stuart: I noticed the village couldn't find time to put the crib together.

Raj: Yeah, well, maybe the village was too busy checking out the local Montessori school for the new arrival.

Stuart: You mean the one with the empty beer bottles in the sandbox? We'll pass, thank you.

Bernadette: Do something, Batman.

Scene: The laundry room.

Leonard: Hey.

Sheldon: What do you think you're doing?

Leonard: Separating my delicates.

Sheldon: This is the level you're stooping to.

Leonard: No. This is the level I am stooping to. I believe that is flag to crotch four, checkmate. Easy-peasy, ooh, so breezy.

Scene: Howard and Bernadett's house.

Stuart: Hey, what's up?

Raj: I'm here to put the crib together.

Stuart: Ooh, sorry, I already did it.

Raj: Well I don't know if you realize this, but I bought that crib.

Stuart: Oh, yeah, I read about that on WhoGivesACrap.com

Raj: Why are you being like this?

Stuart: Because I love Howard and Bernadette and if I want to keep mooching off them, I need to be helpful.

Raj: Hey, this pregnancy had an emotionally-needy third wheel way before you came along.

Stuart: Why can't there be four wheels?

Raj: Is this what you do when I'm not here, make really good points?

Stuart: Look, just come in and help me build a baby swing.

Raj: Thank you.

Stuart: If you're hungry you can eat your take-out, nobody touched it.

Scene: The stairwell.

Penny: I think I'm gonna go for a run, you want to come?

Leonard: No, last time that old lady in the park kept screaming, watch out, he's right behind you. Hello?

Strange old man: Hey, how you doing?

Leonard: Uh, can I help you?

Strange old man: I don't think so, but you're sweet for asking.

Penny: What, what are you doing in our apartment?

Strange old man: Oh, I rented a room from your neighbour, the tall guy dressed like a little boy.

Leonard: Unbelievable. Okay, uh, I don't know what he told you, but you can't stay here.

Sheldon: So, there are fresh linens on the bed and, oh, well, now, I see you've met Theodore. Theodore, these are your new room mates, Leonard and Penny. They're very honest, but I would not leave cash lying around.

Leonard: Sheldon, what do you think you're doing?

Sheldon: My room is paid up until the end of the month, so I can do with it whatever I please, which includes renting it out for a dollar a night.

Theodore: It's like the '40s again.

Sheldon: Anyway, I'll leave you be. I have to, oh, oh, he's expecting a newspaper in the morning. Apparently, they still make them.

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this is over the line.

Sheldon: That's true, but had I done something under the line, there wouldn't be a man in your kitchen who can't produce a single form of ID.

Theodore: Oh, oh, I have a receipt from a blood bank. I'm O-negative.

Sheldon: And now you know as much about him as I do.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette's living room.

Raj: Oh, hey, Bernadette, the swing comes with two different mobiles. The giraffes are pretty cute, what do you think?

Bernadette: Great, go with the giraffes.

Stuart: Although the high contrast of zebra stripes might provide better stimulus for a developing baby.

Bernadette: Yeah, you're probably right, go with the zebras.

Stuart: Good choice, boss.

Raj: At least my nose is naturally brown.

Bernadette: Hey, could you please go to the market for me?

Howard: Get Stuart or Raj to do it.

Bernadette: Howie, they've been doing everything for you.

Howard: Mm, I know. It's really making me lose respect for both of them.

Bernadette: Please just go to the store.

Howard: Fine. Who wants to drive me to the store?

Raj (off): Me

Stuart (off): I'll do it.

Bernadette: Take Raj. Stuart is supposed to paint my toenails.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: What do you think? Should we go to a hotel?

Leonard: And just leave him here alone?

Penny: Okay, I'll go to a hotel. Text me in the morning if you're still alive.

Leonard: Uh, Theodore, how long are you planning to stay exactly?

Theodore: Oh, thanks to the coins I found in your couch, a day longer than I thought.

Leonard: This is ridiculous.

Theodore: I like the painting. Is that your mom?

Leonard: Sheldon, get out here.

Sheldon: Will you keep it down? What kind of vengeful bed and breakfast do you think I'm running?

Leonard: We lived together 13 years. How can you be so awful to me?

Sheldon: I'm being awful? You're the one who went out of your way to hurt me.

Leonard: Because you were being selfish.

Sheldon: Dividing our belongings is difficult.

Leonard: Why? I said I didn't care.

Theodore: Excuse me. It's none of my business, but it sounds like a lot of this anger is coming from love.

Leonard: Yeah, thanks, but nobody asked you.

Theodore: Well, I'm just gonna keep on talking. Seems like, with Sheldon moving out, you're in a new phase of your lives and it's easier to fight than to face the feelings that you have for one another.

Amy: I think he might be right. Also, who is that?

Sheldon: I have to admit, leaving you to move in with Amy has been harder than I thought it would be.

Leonard: Well, for me, too. It's not the same with you gone.

Theodore: If you're looking for a new guy to live with.

Leonard: No.

Penny: We're good, thank you.

Amy: So, no one's gonna tell me? Okay.

Sheldon: Leonard, I would like us to stop fighting about our possessions.

Leonard: Well, I'd like that, too.

Sheldon: In fact, I want you to keep the apartment flag, and I'm not just saying that because it touched your genitals.

Leonard: You promise?

Sheldon: I do. And to show you that there are no hard feelings, I am willing to rub my genitals on it as well.

Theodore: Well if we're rubbing genitals on things, that's where I shine.

Scene: The apartment.

Penny: Little lower to the left. A little more.

Leonard: Good?

Penny: No, still hideous.

Leonard: Well, I'm sure at some point, we won't even notice it's there.

Penny: Yeah, you'd think that, but after a while it starts showing up in your dreams.

Theodore: I think it brings the room together.

Scene: Howard and Bernadette's living room.

Howard: Hey, tomorrow who wants to paint the nursery?

Raj: I'll do it.

Stuart: Why do you get to do it? I'm the artist.

Raj: Just because you're starving doesn't make you an artist.

Stuart: Just because I look sickly doesn't mean I'm starving.

Bernadette (off): Howard!

Howard: Guys, you heard her, go see what she wants.

Bernadette: I think I'm in labour.

Howard: Oh, oh, okay, okay, uh, uh, uh, I can do this. We have a plan. Somebody please tell me the plan.

Stuart: I'll get the hospital bag.

Raj: I'll pull the van up.

Stuart: Meet you outside in 2 minutes.

Raj: Team Baby, go.

Howard: I love you.

Bernadette: I love you, too.

Stuart: Are we hugging or having a baby? Let's go.