S03E18 - The Pants Alternative

No: 58  |  Season: 3   Episode: 18  |  Air Date: 2010-03-22  |  Runtime: mins

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!

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Summary

Sheldon seeks help from the rest of the gang in overcoming his fear of public speaking when he receives an award.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady & Steve Holland / Teleplay by: Eric Kaplan & Richard Rosenstock & Jim Reynolds

Script

Script: S03E18 - The Pants Alternative

Quotes

Leonard: So, Sheldon. How ya doing?
Sheldon: That's how you start a psychotherapy session. How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my baloney at Ralph's.

Raj: Okay, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet you can't speak to women.
Raj: But thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating. Now, ahem, close your eyes.
Sheldon: Okay, but don't punch me... When I was little my sister would say: "Close your eyes, you'll get a surprise." And then she'd punch me.
Raj: I'm not going to punch you.
Sheldon: That's what my sister used to say.

Raj: OK, in Avatar when they have sex on Pandora they hook up their ponytails, so we know their ponytails are like their junk.
Howard: Yeah, so?
Raj: So, when they ride horses and fly on their birds, they also use their ponytails.
Howard: What's your point?
Raj: My point is if I were a horse or a bird I'd be very nervous around James Cameron.

Sheldon: Penny, Leonard, would you be able to answer some questions I'm having about the events of last night?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon: Question 1: Where are my pants?

Howard: My power is the ability to pretend like I give a damn about your piddly-ass problems.

Leonard: Sheldon, you're being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Let me tell you a story.
Howard: (to himself) Where's 70 children when you need them?
Sheldon: I was 14 and graduating summa cum laude from college. Summa cum laude is Latin for with highest honors.
Penny: I just love how you always skip over the part where no one asks.

Leonard: I thought I could try to analyze you and get to the root of your anxiety.
Sheldon: What qualifies you to attempt to understand my mind?
Leonard: My mother is a highly regarded psychiatrist, and I've been in therapy ever since she accused me of breast feeding co-dependently.

Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Sheldon: I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.

Sheldon: I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
Howard: What to you is a large crowd?
Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny: It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt, and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Sheldon: Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny: Yep, that's when I buy shoes.

Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can't run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror!
(Door slams)
Sheldon: Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

Raj: OK, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet you can't speak to women.
Raj: True, but thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.

Penny: So, whadda ya say, Sheldon, are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No, the X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

Sheldon: Problem.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.
Howard: No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
Raj: Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.

Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Leonard: Um; I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
Leonard: How did you know you were a giant, if everything was to scale?
Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.

Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the Administration Office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.
Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again. I'm the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening *fraud* are they honoring this year?
Leonard: Well, I'm so glad you asked it like that: You.

Sheldon: (watching his speech on Youtube) Oh, Lord! This couldn't be any more humiliating.
Leonard: Aah, give it a minute.
Sheldon: (on Youtube) Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.

Sheldon: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!

Sheldon: Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolising oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide!

Notes and Trivia

The song that Sheldon sings at the awards ceremony is "The Elements" by Tom Lehrer and Arthur Sullivan. It is a recitation of the elements (known in 1959 - 102) sung to the tune of "Major General's Song" from The Pirates of Penzance (1983). It is on Lehrer's album 'Songs and More Songs by Tom Lehrer'.

Goofs

None

Cast

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