S04E16 - The Cohabitation Formulation

No: 79 | Season: 4 Episode: 16 | Air Date: 2011-02-17 | Runtime: mins

So, Penny, Leonard tells me you're an actress. That must be pretty exciting.

Summary

Bernadette makes Howard choose between herself and his mother, while Penny and Raj become upset when Priya returns to town and resumes her relationship with Leonard.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Lee Aronsohn & Dave Goetsch / Teleplay by: Bill Prady & Steven Molaro & Jim Reynolds

Script

Script: S04E16 - The Cohabitation Formulation

Quotes

Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma!

Howard: We wait for my mom's heart to explode from all the salt she eats. Then we just stick her in the ground, flip her mattress and move into the big bedroom.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Is it a sex criminal?
Howard: Nobody wants to do that to you, Ma!

Priya: Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don't get to tell me who I can or can't have a relationship with.
Sheldon: Actually, he can. The Hindu code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman's father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble, given that the prize is Leonard.

Sheldon: I'll finish making the tea while you narcissistically ramble on about whatever's troubling you.
Howard: Thanks.
Sheldon: That's what tertiary friends are for.

Amy: Granted, Penny, your secondary sexual characteristics are reasonably bodacious, but Priya is highly educated, she's an accomplished professional, and she comes from the culture that literally wrote the book on neat ways to have sex. Whereas you, on the other hand, are a community college dropout who comes from the culture that wrote the book on tipping cows.

Penny: I'm sorry. I didn't know you had company. I don't want to impose.
Sheldon: No, no. It's not an imposition. At this point, in our ecosystem, you are akin to the plover, a small scavenging bird that eats extra food from between the teeth of crocodiles. Please, fly into our open maw, and have at it.
Penny: If I had more than a box of baking soda in my refrigerator, I wouldn't have to take that.

Raj: It's completely inappropriate for a single woman to entertain a man in private. If you insist on talking, you must do it on the couch! All right, you may talk in the bedroom, but I want this door to remain open! All right, just this once you may close the door. But keep in mind I'll be right out here monitoring the situation! Oh, damn it. Leonard, when you get this message, call me. Priya, this is your brother. When you get this, tell Leonard to check his voicemail.

Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who's upset.
Sheldon: Right. I'll make tea.
Penny: Oh Sweetie, that's okay. I don't want tea.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, it's not optional.

Sheldon: Just keep in mind, should you ever need a slightly apathetic tertiary friend, I stand at the ready.

Amy: (to Penny, about Priya) I am regretting my earlier cattiness. She is an absolute delight.

Amy: Thanks to you, I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.

Sheldon: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.

Sheldon: Priya, if you're experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, "do the dance with no pants."

Amy: (visiting Penny) I just wanted to check in on you.
Penny: Why?
Amy: Seems like the appropriate thing to do when your best friend finds herself replaced by a smart, beautiful woman with the smoldering sexuality of a crouched Bengal tiger.

Priya: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you're an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, yes, real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat-food commercial. It turned out to be porn.
Sheldon: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn't do the audition!
Sheldon: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?

Howard: (Howard inserts the key in the front door of his house)
Mrs. Wolowitz: (from inside) WHO'S THERE? ARE YOU A SEX CRIMINAL?
Howard: Sex criminals don't have KEYS, MA!
(Howard goes inside)
Mrs. Wolowitz: WHERE WERE YOU SO LATE?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! I WATCH DR. PHIL! I HOPE YOU USED A CONDOM!
Howard: I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: GOD FORBID YOU HAVE THOSE NEW FANCY SEX DISEASES!
Howard: (seriously?) NOBODY HAS A DISEASE!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I HOPE NOT! I SHARE A TOILET WITH YOU! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO GIVE YOUR MOTHER HERPES?
Howard: That's it! I don't have to take this!
(Howard storms off and slams the door)
Howard: GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR EYEBROWS IN THE MORNING!
(Howard leaves, but then turns back around and inserts the house key again)
Mrs. Wolowitz: WHO'S THERE? ARE YOU A SEX CRIMINAL?
Howard: (Howard opens the door) I'm still leaving, I just forgot my CLARITIN!

Notes and Trivia

None

Goofs