S12E23 - The Change Constant

No: 278  |  Season: 12   Episode: 23  |  Air Date: 2019-05-16  |  Runtime: mins

Amy: Can you believe it? Sheldon: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming? (Leonard slaps him) We won the Nobel Prize!

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Summary

Sheldon and Amy await big news.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Chuck Lorre & Steve Holland & Steven Molaro & Bill Prady & Dave Goetsch & Eric Kaplan & Maria Ferrari & Andy Gordon & Anthony Del Broccolo & Tara Hernandez & Jeremy Howe & Adam Faberman

Script

Script: S12E23 - The Change Constant

Quotes

Howard: Can I help you?
Reporter #2: Uh, yeah, actually. Um, I had an appointment to interview Dr. Cooper about the Nobel.
Howard: Hang on a second. Sheldon?
(knocking and poking his head in, he sees Sheldon's office is empty; Sheldon then pokes his head up from behind his desk and shakes his head)
Howard: Sorry, he's not here.
Reporter #2: Damn. I've got a deadline.
Howard: I don't know if it helps you at all, but I'm his best friend in the whole world.
Reporter #2: Really?
Howard: And an astronaut. Come on, you can buy me a cup of coffee, and I'll tell you about both.

Sheldon: Aw. It's a congratulations text from my meemaw.
(his phone buzzes)
Sheldon: Ooh. Oh, and there's one from my mom.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: And my sister.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: And my brother.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: And my brother's ex-wife.
(another buzz)
Sheldon: My brother's other ex-wife. Boy, they don't tell you when you win a Nobel, it chews up your phone battery.

Kripke: Hello, this is Sweden calling. Is this Dr. Cooper and Dr. Fowler?
Sheldon: Yes.
Amy: Yeah.
Kripke: Congratulations. It is my pleasure to inform you that you've won the Nobel Prize. In being suckers!
Sheldon: (realizing who it is and hanging up) His Swedish accent was very convincing.

Sheldon: (singing to the melody of "99 Bottles of Beer") Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar/Six times ten to the eighth atoms of radium/If the half-life of radium should happen to pass/Three times ten to the eighth atoms of radium in a lead jar.
Penny: Really hope you're almost to zero.
Sheldon: No, see, that's the beauty of half-lives; it's impossible to determine when you'll arrive at zero. It's like "Wheels on the Bus" if the bus had an unknowable number of parts.
Amy: Yeah, we're gonna need more coffee.
Penny: Yep. I'm with you. Leonard, coffee?
Leonard: Black and strong, like Luke Cage.
Penny: I'm too tired to even be disturbed by that.

Sheldon: What kind of tea is appropriate for winning a Nobel Prize and now everything is changing and you feel unmoored from reality?
Leonard: I don't know. Earl Grey?
Sheldon: You know, this is something I've wanted my whole life. But I guess I never considered how everything would be different.
Leonard: Buddy, I-I know all feels overwhelming right now, but I promise you, things will settle down.
Sheldon: (rummaging through teabags) There's no Earl Grey! You filthy liar!

Sheldon: You know, when you think about it, now that we're Nobel Prize winners, our names will be linked together forever.
Amy: We're married. Our names are already linked together forever.
Sheldon: Oh, please. That's just a piece of paper. This is a piece of paper and a medal.

Sheldon: The Nobel committee will be making the calls to inform the winners at any minute, so the only drug I need is the endorphins pumping through my brain in anticipation of our victory.
Amy: Well, technically, anticipation wouldn't be mediated by endorphins as much as dopamine, but, you know, you've been up all night, so I'll give you that one.
(seeing he's asleep)
Amy: Really? The second he stops talking?
Penny: Well... should we wake him up?
Leonard: Well, he did say if he fell asleep, we were allowed to slap him awake.
Penny: (excited) Oh, boy.
Leonard: Wait a minute. Why do you get to do it?
Penny: 'Cause I called it.
Leonard: Well, you can't just call it. You have to earn it.
Penny: Oh, and you've earned it?
Leonard: No one has earned it more than me.
Amy: (clearing her throat) Ahem.
Leonard: You have your whole life to smack him around. This is my time.
Penny: Fine. Don't miss.
Leonard: It's not a volleyball. I can handle it.

Sheldon: And how does it feel to be married to a Nobel Prize winner?
Amy: You tell me.
Sheldon: Oh. Amy-centric; what a fun way to look at it.
Amy: I think so.
Sheldon: You would. That makes sense.

Penny: You know, I've grown, too. I used to be the bartender back there.
Sheldon: That's true. And now there is a completely different woman who botched my drink order. How hard is 65% Coke, 35% Diet Coke?
Penny: Well, judging by the look on her face, it's at least 1% saliva.

Amy: It's weird. I don't really feel different, but I guess our lives will never be the same.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't know. We're going to work like always. I still put on my pants both legs at a time.
Amy: One day, that's gonna end very badly.
(leaving the apartment building, they're besieged by reporters)
Reporter #3: Congratulations. How does it feel?
Amy: O-Okay, w-we're happy to answer your questions, just, um, one at a time, please?
(uncomfortable and overwhelmed, Sheldon leaves)
Reporter #1: Is Dr. Cooper coming back?
Amy: No. Next question.

President Siebert: Hey, fellas. Can you do me a favor?
Raj: Do we have a choice?
President Siebert: (sarcastic amused laugh) Ha-ha! No. Sheldon and Amy are now officially superstars, and the press will be reaching out to their family and friends for comment. So that we're all on the same page, the word we're gonna use to describe them is "quirky". And not...
(in a deep voice)
President Siebert: ..."quirky". More like...
(more upbeat and pleasant)
President Siebert: ..."quirky"!
Howard: So not Mr. and Mrs. Whackadoodle?
President Siebert: (another sarcastic laugh) Ho-ho-ho! You bitter, envious little man.
Amy: (applause as she and Sheldon enter) Thank you so much.
President Siebert: (still uncomfortable, Sheldon leaves again) And what do we call that?
Leonard, Raj, Howard: Quirky.

Sheldon: (after he gets to the bottom floor, he's surprised to see Penny there after he just left her and Leonard) How did you get down here?
Penny: The elevator. It's really fast.
Sheldon: I-I need to be alone right now. Don't try to follow me.
Penny: (Follows him) All right. You need a ride?
Sheldon: That'd be great. Thank you.

Raj: Was it your left hand or your right hand?
Leonard: Right. Spit actually flew out of his mouth.

(returning home, Sheldon starts up the stairs)
Penny: Hang on.
(pressing the elevator call button)
Penny: What do you think? Want to give it a try?
(as the door opens, he looks in uncertainly, then glances at the stairwell)
Sheldon: Well, you know, the elevator did work when I moved into the building. So going up and down the stairs was a change, which means this would actually be a return to the status quo. But conversely, I think...
Penny: (shoving him) Get in!
Sheldon: (the doors close) This is wild.

Penny: (preparing to slap Sheldon from his slumber) Oh, wait. Hang on. When you're old, you are gonna want a record of this.
Leonard: Oh, oh, yeah. Do it in slow-mo. I wanna see his cheeks ripple.

Amy: You know, I like the way my hair looks. I'm done tiptoeing around him.
Raj: Well, we're all guilty of it.
Amy: But why?
Leonard: 'Cause we were afraid to upset him.
Raj: Which happens anyway.
Amy: Well, that's over.
Leonard: I'm-I'm done enabling him. Like, this is his spot, and-and... and the thermostat has to be set to his comfort level, even though he doesn't even live here anymore and I'm always chilly.
Raj: Is that why you wear a hoodie all the time?
Leonard: Why would... yes! To accomodate Sheldon. And what-what about this-this thing? Why is it here? I'll tell you why. Because it was here when I moved in, and for no earthly reason, he forbade me to touch it.
Amy: Well, if you don't like it, get rid of it. Put it in the closet.
Leonard: You know what? I will.
(as soon as he grabs hold of the model, it falls apart)
Raj: I bet that's the reason.

Penny: You know, you go on and on about wanting things to stay the same, but you've changed a lot since I met you.
Sheldon: Oh, you are a mean drunk.
Penny: I'm serious. You have a ton of friends, you got married, moved into a new apartment. You wore a baseball hat that one time. Heck, you've had sex almost as many times as I have fingers.
Sheldon: More.
Penny: W...
Sheldon: (holding up two fingers) By this many.
Penny: You dog!
Sheldon: It was the "Avengers" trailer.

Sheldon: I do take your point. You know, you're also married, you have a successful career, you no longer dress like you're trying to attract sailors by the wharf.
Penny: So, I guess the only thing that actually stays the same is that things are always changing.
Sheldon: Interesting. So you're saying the inevitability of change might be a universal constant.
Penny: Well, there's a little more to it than that, but, yeah, sure.
Sheldon: (seeing Howard and Bernie on CNN) Oh. Hey, look, that's Bernadette.
Bernadette: I can't tell you how many times Dr. Fowler was gonna give up and I would say to her "Amy, as your best friend, I'm not gonna let you quit."
Penny: Okay, I'm drinking again.
Sheldon: I'll join you. Waitress, uh, 95% Hawaiian Punch, 5% vodka.
Howard: Let me tell you about the time Mr. Nobel Laureate wanted olives...
Bernadette: (laughing) This is a good one.
Sheldon: (calling to the waitress) You know what? 90/10!

Amy: I should've seen this coming.
Raj: Oh, stop. You're allowed to get a haircut.
Amy: I know. But I should've done it gradually. You know, like... maybe 300 tiny haircuts over a ten-year period.
Leonard: Okay, you need to focus on the positive. You won a Nobel Prize. I slapped Sheldon. A lot of dreams came true today.
Amy: You know, you're right. This is a huge day for me, and I'm allowed to enjoy it without worrying about how it's going to affect my husband.
Raj: Is it me, or did it just get fierce in here?

Bernadette: Why is this article about Sheldon all about you?
Howard: (looking over her shoulder) Let me see. Oh, good, they used my NASA picture.
Bernadette: Why does it say that you're his best friend? Leonard's his best friend.
Howard: No. Leonard has always been kind of a... monkey butler. Whenever Sheldon got into a scrape, I was his go-to guy.
Bernadette: When did he get into a scrape?
Howard: You're kidding, right? W-... remember when he had a panic attack 'cause his hand got caught in a jar of olives? I was the one who told him to let go of the olives.
Bernadette: Please, that doesn't make you his best friend.
Howard: You know, that reporter asked me if I could put him in touch with... Amy's best friend.
Bernadette: That's Penny.
Howard: (sing-song) Doesn't have to be.

Raj: You just won the Nobel. You should be proud of this moment.
Amy: I know I shouldn't care about how I look, and I never thought I did. It-it's stupid and shallow, but I just can't help it. Am I really this frumpy?
Raj: No. No, you are a beautiful woman. By the way, if you're not happy with those pictures, then make some changes. Get a haircut, new clothes, new glasses, big glasses; no glasses! Then you won't be able to see those pictures.
Amy: Sounds expensive.
Raj: Excuse me, i-if I'm not mistaken, the Nobel comes with a substantial cash prize. What were you gonna spend it on?
Amy: Hadn't really thought about it. Sheldon's got his eyes on some new Dockers.
Raj: Come on. Do something for yourself.
Amy: Well, I suppose I could get a haircut.
Raj: And some makeup and a new wardrobe, and a little thank-you gift for your shopping buddy if we see something that he likes. Come on.
Amy: (following him out) Where are we going?
Raj: Beverly Hills, where the things he likes are.

Sheldon: What do you want, Howard?
Howard: We were just calling to see if you'd heard yet.
Sheldon: We haven't.
Amy: But thank you for getting up so early to call. That was very thoughtful.
Bernadette: Oh, please. We have two little kids. We've been up for an hour.
Howard: Did anyone get to slap Sheldon?
Leonard: (disappointed) No.

Leonard: (after Raj shows Amy's new look, and he detested it and stormed out, Leonard follows him) Sheldon, that was really rude.
Sheldon: Well, I'm sorry. Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
Leonard: It's just a haircut and some clothes.
Sheldon: No, it's the last straw! I can't take anymore!
Penny: (the elevator bell dings and the doors open) Can you believe it? They finally fixed the elevator.

Amy: (her phone buzzes) Oh, that's me. It's CVS. My prescription's ready.
(another buzz)
Amy: Oh, and also my dad. He says congratulations and he loves me.
Sheldon: Nothing about me?
(his phone buzzes)
Sheldon: Oh. Oh, it's your dad. I'm good.

Penny: You know, you're the only person who could win the biggest prize in science and still be upset about it.
Sheldon: It's just... all the times I thought about winning, I never thought about how it would ch...
(she starts to raise her drink)
Sheldon: Affect my life. I'm sorry, I'm genuinely concerned about your liver.
Penny: Okay. Fine, I'll stop playing.

Sheldon: All this change is just too much. You know, the reporters, the attention at work, and now even Amy's changed. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.
Penny: I'm playing a drinking game. Every time you say the word "change", I take a slug.
Sheldon: Are you gonna be able to drive me home?
Penny: Mm. Not unless you change the subject. Huh. Now I said it. Meh. Hmm.

Amy: (after she hung up the phone, stunned) We won.
Penny: Congratulations!
Leonard: Oh, my god!
Sheldon: We did it.
Amy: I know. Can you believe it?
Sheldon: That's a good point. What if I'm dreaming?
(everyone gasps as Leonard slaps him, hard)
Sheldon: (Realizing, screaming) WE WON THE NOBEL PRIZE!
(They all start cheering, screaming, and hugging one another)

Raj: Hey, is Penny here?
Leonard: No. Why?
Raj: I wanted to show her my latest creation. I give you... Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler!
Leonard: (Amy enters, looking drop-dead gorgeous) Wow. Amy, you look amazing.
Amy: Thank you. Sheldon, what do you think?
Sheldon: (giving her a once-over) I like you better the way you were.
Raj: But she looks beautiful! Classic lines, colors that complement her skin tone, and hair that goes from "office" to "on the town" in minutes.
Sheldon: I don't care. Put it back.
Amy: I like the way I look.
Sheldon: (storming out) Well, I don't!
Leonard: (following him) My fault. I was out of Earl Grey.

Sheldon: (Between the attention he's getting as a Nobel Prize winner, Amy's new look, and the elevator finally being fixed) This is a nightmare.
(Storms off down the stairs)
Penny: What's with him?
Leonard: He won a Nobel Prize, and his wife looks amazing.
Penny: Oh. Yeah, got it.

Raj: Hey, what's wrong?
Amy: My picture's all over the Internet, and I look terrible.
Raj: No. Let me see.
(taking her phone)
Raj: Well, that is an unfortunate angle.

Notes and Trivia

The elevator in the apartment building, which has been broken since the pilot (because of a failed experiment by Leonard seen in flashback in The Staircase Implementation (2010)), is finally repaired.

This episode was broadcast back to back with The Stockholm Syndrome (2019) to serve as the first half of the series' finale. End credits and Chuck Lorre's Vanity Card were added for the home theatre versions.

This is the only episode that have the words to be continued at the end

Title reference: Sheldon has to be reminded that change is the only constant in his life.

Goofs

None

Cast

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