S02E13 - The Friendship Algorithm

No: 30  |  Season: 2   Episode: 13  |  Air Date: 2009-01-19  |  Runtime: mins

What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don't you understand?

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Summary

Sheldon tries to make friends with Kripke in the hope that it will get him access to a coveted computer at the university.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Bill Prady & Richard Rosenstock / Teleplay by: Chuck Lorre & Steven Molaro

Script

Script: S02E13 - The Friendship Algorithm

Quotes

Sheldon: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.

(Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart)
Sheldon: A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.
Howard: (sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard) Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?

(all three guys are looking upwards)
Howard: You got to give him credit for sticking with it.
Leonard: I didn't think he had it in him.
Raj: He almost made it to the top this time.
(camera pulls back to show Sheldon hanging in his harness, out cold)

Sheldon: I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
Leonard: What's that?
Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So... I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Howard: (whispering) Me, me. Let it be me.

Raj: I'm curious; in the 'How Well Do You Know Sheldon' section, what did you put for his favorite amino acid?
Leonard, Howard: Lysine.
Raj: Damn it! I had lysine and changed it!

Leonard: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
Rebecca: Rebecca.
Sheldon: Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard: (pulling Sheldon away) No, you're not. Let's go.
Sheldon: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard: Don't look up, there's cameras.

Leonard: What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
Sheldon: What do you mean?
Leonard: Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
Sheldon: I *did* learn how to swim.
Leonard: On the floor.
Sheldon: The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
Leonard: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon: The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.

Leonard: There you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
Penny: Thanks. I mean the e-mail doesn't bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Leonard: Yeah, I got the same one. And that's not a bathing suit, it's a tan line.

Sheldon: Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?
Jeremy: Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.
Sheldon: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Jeremy: Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.
Sheldon: Ooh, I love trains!
Jeremy: I bet you do.

Sheldon: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Raj: Stu the Cockatoo?
Leonard: (sarcastic) Yes. He's new at the zoo.

Sheldon: (studying rock-climbing wall) This appears significantly more... monolithic than it did on my laptop. Y'know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.

Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.

Leonard: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
Sheldon: That's insane on the face of it.

Sheldon: I've made substantial progress in bonding with Kripke, which brings me to an awkward moment.
Leonard: What's that?
Sheldon: Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So... I'm going to have to let one of you go.
Howard: (whispering) Me, me. Let it be me.

Sheldon: That's where I sit.
Kripke: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
Howard: How much time you got?

Kripke: You all wight there, Cooper?
Sheldon: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function at the approach to the asymptote.
Kripke: Are you saying you're stuck?
Sheldon: What part of 'inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote' did you not understand?

Sheldon: Kripke!
Kripke: Yeah?
Sheldon: What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Kripke: I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon: Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?
Kripke: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'll do that.
Sheldon: (to Raj, Howard and Leonard) Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.

Sheldon: I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Penny: Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
Sheldon: I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Penny: Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?
Sheldon: I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.
Penny: Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?
Sheldon: Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.
Penny: (sarcastically) Thanks, pal.
Sheldon: You got it, buddy.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?
Sheldon: Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?

Raj: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
Howard: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
Sheldon: It's extracted from the plant...
Howard: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
Raj: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
Howard: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
(Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching)
Leonard: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
(at lightning speed)
Sheldon: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
(takes a drink)
Raj: Feel better now?
Sheldon: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
(to Leonard)
Sheldon: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.

Howard: Don't let him get to you. It's Kripke!
Raj: Yeah, he's a ginormous knob.
Howard: That's why he eats by himself instead of sitting here at the cool table.
Raj: Fo' shizzle.

Sheldon: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard: I answered every question, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
Leonard: Oh, you picked up on that, huh?
Sheldon: Yeah, wait... How could I not?
Leonard: Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
Sheldon: There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard: Hold on. I put some real work into that.
Sheldon: Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
Leonard: (looking at the drawing) It's kind of cute.
(Sheldon looks offended)
Leonard: Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon: Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Sheldon: Oh, I don't see how you could.

Sheldon: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon: (looking through children's books on making friends) All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.

Sheldon: Kripke!
Kripke: Yeah?
Sheldon: What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Kripke: I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon: Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?
Kripke: (sarcastically) Yeah, I'll do that.
Sheldon: (to Raj, Howard and Leonard) Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.

Notes and Trivia

The "big-balled raccoon" Howard (Simon Helberg) drew on his Sheldon (Jim Parsons) trivia sheet is an example of Bake-Danuki.

The line "Yeah, he's a ginormous knob" spoken by Raj (Kunal Nayyar) in the pre-credit sequence is cut when broadcast by E4 in the UK.

The scene where Sheldon (Jim Parsons) tries to befriend the little girl in the bookshop is used in a training film by London's Metropolitan Police. It is designed to show how people with social disabilities can sometimes be unintentionally inappropriate.

Goofs

None

Cast

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