S05E20 - The Transporter Malfunction

No: 107  |  Season: 5   Episode: 20  |  Air Date: 2012-03-29  |  Runtime: mins

Mr. Spock: Now, to the matter at hand, you need to play with the transporter toy. Sheldon: Yes, but it's mint in box.

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Summary

Raj gets quite a surprise when he asks his parents to set him up on a date. Penny buys Leonard and Sheldon a pair of Star Trek keepsake collectibles.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Bill Prady & Maria Ferrari / Teleplay by: Steven Molaro & Jim Reynolds & Steve Holland

Script

Script: S05E20 - The Transporter Malfunction

Quotes

Bernadette: At the school dance the nuns made us have space between us for the Holy spirit
Howard: Hindi's do the same thing but with cows
Raj: I love your charming racist humor but can you not mock my religion while she's
(Lakshmi)
Raj: here
Howard: Yesterday you made fun of me for eating lox
Raj: It's different, you don't worship lox
Howard: Clearly you've never had brunch with my cousins

Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken!
Sheldon: Oh, you know what they say, 'Best things in life are free'.
Penny: Okay, you're right, I eat your food a lot. Now, how 'bout this: you can raid my fridge any time you want.
Sheldon: Oh, that's very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I'll come a-knocking.

Raj: Hello Mummy, Daddy, how are you?
Mrs. Koothrappali: Pretty good. Can't complain.
Dr. Koothrappali: Oh, I'm sure you can. Just give it a minute.

Sheldon: Perhaps you should look with your *eyes* and, and not your muscular Nebraskan man hands.

Sheldon: I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins; slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.
Leonard: Mmmm, you liked Professor Geyster's wedding.
Sheldon: They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. Oh, that was a night to remember. D'you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.

Leonard: Once you open the box, it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

Raj: I think I'd like you to help me find a wife
Mrs. Koothrappali: Just to be clear, a female wife?

Sheldon: (Dreams he's on another planet) Oh, dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.

Sheldon: Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?
Howard: I don't think so.
Sheldon: Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.

Penny: Tada!
Sheldon: A vintage, mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter, with real transporter action. Hotdarn!
Leonard: Where did you get that?
Penny: That's from Stuart at the comic book store.
Leonard: You went to the comic book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah! It was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.
Sheldon: This calls for an expression of gratitude.
Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare, Sheldon Cooper hug?
Sheldon: No, not this time, then they wouldn't be special.
(makes a finger-gun gesture)
Sheldon: Thanks, Penny!
Penny: You're welcome. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you... a label maker!
Leonard: Ahh... No, it's great. Also... it's mint in box.
Penny: And... I got you a transporter too!
Leonard: Awesome!

Raj: All right, uh, fine. I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody. Koothrappali plus one.
Leonard: Who are you bringing?
Raj: (Defensively) Who are *you* bringing?
Penny: He's bringing me. And who are you bringing?
Raj: Wow, what a bunch of nosy O'Donnells!

Sheldon: And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.
Leonard: And that's a lie, right?
Sheldon: A big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.

Mr. Spock: Well, I am unhappy.
Sheldon: I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.
Mr. Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan.

Mr. Spock: Dr. Cooper! Dr. Cooper!
Sheldon: Is someone there?
Mr. Spock: Down here, on your desk.
Sheldon: Spock?
Mr. Spock: I need to speak with you.
Sheldon: Fascinating! The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.
Mr. Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.
Sheldon: Was I hit on the head by a coconut?
Mr. Spock: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand, you need to play with the transporter toy.
Sheldon: Yes, but it's mint in box.
Mr. Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy its value. But remember like me, you also have a human-half.
Sheldon: Well, I'm not going to dignify *that* with a response!
Mr. Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?
Sheldon: To be played with.
Mr. Spock: Therefore, to not play with it would be...?
Sheldon: Illogical. Oh, damn it, Spock, you're right! I'll do it!
Mr. Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right?

Raj: I'm not *gay*! If anything, I'm metrosexual.
Dr. Koothrappali: What's that?
Raj: It means I like women as well as their skin-care products.

Raj: So while I'm waiting for this mysterious perfect match - who may or may not exist - I'm supposed to just be alone?
Bernadette: Not necessarily. I think we've found someone for you to cuddle with.
(lifts a dog out of her purse)
Raj: Oh my goodness. Aren't you the cutest little Yorkie ever! You got him for me?
Howard: Her. We thought you two would hit it off.
Raj: I think we already have. Thank you guys so much.
(to the dog)
Raj: Let's go see if you fit in my man-purse.
Bernadette: Metrosexual my ass!

Lakshmi: Fill in the blank: "I love the night life..."
Raj: "I like to boogie."
Lakshmi: Got you.
Raj: With women! I like to boogie with women!
Lakshmi: That's disappointing. You were exactly the kind of phoney-baloney husband I was looking for.
Raj: Thank you. And once again, my baloney likes girls.

Sheldon: Knock Knock.
Leonard: Who's there?
Sheldon: Interrupting physicist.
Leonard: Interrupting physi...
Sheldon: Muon!

Sheldon: You know what you are? well you're a green-blooded buzzkill. Perhaps it's time you beam on outta here.
Mr. Spock: Fine. I will just use the transporter. Oh, right, you broke it.
Sheldon: Very well. Cooper to Enterprise, one to beam up. Energize.
(picks up the Spock action figure and throws it)

Lakshmi: Well, there's a rumor back in New Delhi that you're, how shall we say, comfortable in a sari.
Raj: I'm not gay!
Lakshmi: Really? The chocolate lava cakes? The little soaps in the bathroom? And I'm sorry, but you're wearing more perfume than I am.

Sheldon: It was me. I opened your toy... discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.
Leonard: Why would you open mine?
Sheldon: I didn't, that was a lie. I opened my own toy... and it was already broken, so I switched them.
Leonard: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
Sheldon: I can't because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it, and when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Leonard: Okay, that I believe.

Sheldon: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard: Yeah? I'm glad.
Sheldon: It's like looking at the universe naked.

Notes and Trivia

Amy is not in this episode because Mayim Bialik was on a tour to promote her new book at the time.

This is the first time that Leonard Nimoy has been cast in the series. The producers of the show have been trying for many years to get Nimoy to appear on the show, which was difficult due to him having mostly retired from acting.

When Sheldon dreams that he's woken up on an alien planet, the distinctive arch of the Guardian of Forever from the original Star Trek (1966) series episode The City on the Edge of Forever (1967) is visible in the background.

Goofs

None

Cast

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