S06E11 - The Santa Simulation

No: 122  |  Season: 6   Episode: 11  |  Air Date: 2012-12-13  |  Runtime: mins

Sheldon: Trees indoors, overuse of the words 'tis and 'twas. And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?

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Summary

The girls take Raj out to a nightclub to find him a date. A game of Dungeons and Dragons rekindle old memories of Santa for Sheldon.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Chuck Lorre & Eric Kaplan & Steve Holland / Teleplay by: Steven Molaro & Jim Reynolds & Maria Ferrari

Script

Script: S06E11 - The Santa Simulation

Quotes

Sheldon: Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslaus from the Christmas carol.
Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.

(the girls are proposing they find a girl for Raj)
Raj: A couple of things: Don't tell them I come from money; I want them to love me for me. They must be *insanely* hot, like nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj: OK, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hottub.
Bernadette: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
Raj: In a New Delhi minute.

Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.

Penny: See you, boys, we're going drinking.
Raj: Wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.
Amy: Maybe another time.
(Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave)
Leonard: (continuing the game) Okay.
Penny: (sticking her head back into the apartment) Come on.
Raj: (leaping off the couch) Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!
(the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj)
Stuart: How does he not hear that?

Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn't amazing. Got a C-minus four years in a row.
Sheldon: I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.

Raj: (playing Dungeons & Dragons) Oh, man, the first monster I see, I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand, and shoot my magic all over his ass.
Stuart: (embarrassed silence from the room) Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Raj: I'm always attracted to women I can't have; I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.
Amy: The two of them? I don't understand.
Raj: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me too because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me, but apparently I misread those signals.
Amy: And you like Bernadette also?
Raj: Uh, that was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm very old-fashioned that way.

Stuart: What's wrong with Christmas?
Sheldon: (wearily) Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors, overuse of the words "'tis" and "'twas". And the absurd custom of one stocking. Everyone knows socks belong in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard: Pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon: Actually, that helps. Thank you.

Raj: (after his D&D character is killed) Doesn't anyone have a Rod of Resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me!
Stuart: (another embarrassed silence) Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

Sheldon: (reading instructions) "Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres." That's a saucy twist! "That leader's name: Santa Claus." No, no, no!..
Leonard: It's actually "ho, ho, ho", but you'll get the hang of it. Thought it'd be fun to make a holiday-themed quest.
Sheldon: Mixing Dungeons & Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.

Penny: Hey guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette.
(Bernadette sashay's into the room)
Penny: Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21.
(Bernadette exits and Amy strides in)
Penny: And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.
(Penny removes her coat)
Penny: And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
Sheldon: I know they're making a rhetorical point; I just don't know what it is.

Santa: (Santa is standing by a cannon that is pointed at Sheldon) Ho, ho ho, ya big *dork*!
(fires the cannon)

Sheldon: Since when is eggnog a Christmas drink? Eggs are available all year round. I've been known to enjoy this poolside.
Leonard: Come on, Sheldon. You know all the Christmas stories and the carols, you've got an eggnog mustache going on there. Just admit it, you're getting a little yuletide spirit.
Sheldon: Don't be silly. Christmas is a bunch of baloney created by the tinsel industry.

Penny: (reading directions) OK now, holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard: I consider I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You're so butch.
Leonard: Oh, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did; your hands are softer than veal.
Leonard: Oh, uh, before I forget: Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really! That's how you're going to spend your Saturday night?
Leonard: Come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play any more.
Penny: Oh you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard: A little bit, yeah.

Raj: In seventh grade, I played spin-the-bottle and it landed on Alina Shankar. She said if I came near her, she would break the bottle and cut me.
Amy: You think that's bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.
Raj: Sometimes I get so lonely I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend I'm holding hands with another person.
Amy: I do that too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.
Raj: It's kind of nice to talk to someone who understands what it feels like to be alone.

Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat, by making a gesture that says: "Get a load of this guy."

Amy: In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with *more* clothes on.

Amy: I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22. The guy only did it so I'd give him back his insulin.
Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.

Amy: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette: Think harder.
Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What?

Sheldon: Well sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key and I toss it into the chasm. And on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly!
Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santa's dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

Stuart: I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store.
Leonard: Oh, uhl, yeah, I got 'em on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard: I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.

Notes and Trivia

Bernadette's working uniform is shown again. On the left chest there is a blue "ZANGEN" sign in an ellipse.

Leonard recounts his early Christmas experiences where he had to leave Santa Claus a research paper, which would then be graded. This is consistent with his account in The Maternal Congruence (2009), where during Christmas, everybody had to write research papers on the anthropological and psychological implications on human society, after which they broke off into focus groups and critiqued each other.

The Jingle Bells bells are in no noticeable order among the participants. Left to right: Howard plays 2 & 1; Stuart plays 3 & 6; and Sheldon plays 5 & 4 (i.e. stage right to stage left).

Goofs

None

Cast

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