S11E16 - The Neonatal Nomenclature

No: 247  |  Season: 11   Episode: 16  |  Air Date: 2018-03-01  |  Runtime: mins

Penny: Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises. (inhales, exhales) Bernadette: Sorry. I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.

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Summary

When Bernadette won't go into labor, the gang try different tactics to get things started. Also, Wolowitz confronts Bernadette after Amy accidentally reveals she's already chosen their son's name.

Director and Writers

Director: Gay Linvill
Writers: Story by: Eric Kaplan & Maria Ferrari & Anthony Del Broccolo / Teleplay by: Steve Holland & Tara Hernandez & Adam Faberman

Script

Script: S11E16 - The Neonatal Nomenclature

Quotes

Raj: What about Sherman? Like, Sherman Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, that's a kid who's gonna take his mother to prom.
Amy: Hey, Howard, you did that, right?
Howard: I didn't take her. She chaperoned. We slow-danced once.

Amy: Sheldon, we're talking about something important here.
Sheldon: Fine. If you pick a baby name, can we get back to playing?
Bernadette: Sure.
Sheldon: All right, here we go. Ranatanata.
Raj: You can't name him Ranatanata.
Sheldon: Oh, right, it's a boy. That'd be ridiculous. What about Ozymandias?
Penny: Are you making these up or having a stroke?

Amy: I think I got Bernadette in trouble. Maybe we should go.
Sheldon: I... I can't. She and I are playing "Campaign for North Africa".
Amy: She doesn't want to play that.
Sheldon: Neither did the Egyptians, but that didn't stop Rommel.

Amy: You've thought about our kids?
Sheldon: Of course. I think you and I will have exceptional children.
Amy: Aw. Well, I think so, too.
Raj: How many kids do you guys want?
Sheldon: Fifteen.
Amy: Two.
(giving him a weird look)
Amy: What?
Sheldon: Well, don't worry. I don't expect you to bear them all. I'm sure we can find a suitable uterus to rent.
Leonard: (they both turn to glance at Penny) No!
Penny: Uh-uh!

Amy: I'm trying to get our grant proposal together. Any chance you've finished those mechanical drawings?
Howard: Oh, sorry. I was gonna do it last night, but I got kind of busy.
Raj: (winking) Yeah, you did.
Amy: What are they talking about?
Sheldon: I'll give you a hint. It's something that we have done four times.
Amy: Watched "La La Land"?
Sheldon: What? No. No. I've not watched "La La Land" four times. If you find the soundtrack on my phone, that just 'cause our iTunes accounts are linked.

Howard: Are there any engineers on the grant committe?
Amy: I don't know. Why?
Howard: I didn't have time to figure out the three-input hydraulic manifold, so this diagram is really just the flux capacitor from "Back to the Future."

Penny: Okay, we're gonna start with some nice breathing exercises.
Bernadette: Sorry. I can't think of anything except how flat your belly is.
Penny: Oh, thank you.
Bernadette: Go put on some more clothes, you bitch.

Amy: I'm sorry this is on such short notice.
Howard: Hey, I just wish I could be there when you present it.
Amy: That's okay. It's more important that you spend time with Michael.
Howard: Who's Michael?
Amy: Uh, your son?
Howard: No, it's not. My son doesn't have a name yet.
Amy: Okay, well, then Bernadette's son.

Leonard: Some people name their kids after places.
Howard: Like what, Walla Walla Wolowitz?
Sheldon: If you think that is better than Ozymandias Wolowitz, then you have been breathing in the poisonous gas that my troops illegally dispersed.

Sheldon: Guys, wake up. Terrible news.
Penny: Oh, my god. What, what, what? Is it the baby?
Sheldon: No. No, no, we miscalculated our unassigned armor class units. We need to start over.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, not from the beginning. Just from when the tanks started moving.
Leonard: That was five hours ago.
Sheldon: (checking his watch) Mm, no. No, that was two hours ago. It only feels like five.

Raj: I'm telling you, there's an acupressure point right above your ankle that can induce contractions.
Bernadette: All right, but just a warning. My feet are a little swollen.
Raj: Oh, please, Bernadette. I'm sure this... okay.
Bernadette: What?
Raj: Nothing. Your ankles look fine, and not at all like I just popped open a can of crescent rolls.

Sheldon: Hey, Bernadette, it's your turn. Penny's air force is strafing your supply line in Tobruk.
Bernadette: We're kind of busy.
Sheldon: Oh. 'Kay. But you're being pretty rude. Everyone did come over to play this game with you.

Raj: (He, Penny, and Leonard show up at Howard and Bernadette's house. He's holding a bag of food carriers) Hey guys. I brought Chinese.
Penny: (Indicating Raj with her hands) And I brought Indian.

Sheldon: (Beginning the play of The Campaign for North Africa) First we must roll to figure out the weather.
Bernadette: It's the desert. Isn't it supposed to be hot?
Sheldon: (holds up the "hold on" finger, rolls the dice, then checks one thing in the manual, then holds up the "hold on" finger again, rolls the dice again, then looks at another page in the manual sideways, appearing to read a couple of lines quickly, then) Yes.

Howard: Michael? Really, you think we're naming him Michael?
Bernadette: Not now, Howard. I'm in the middle of a game.
Sheldon: You wish. You are hundreds of hours away from the middle.

Sheldon: I believe today is Bernadette's due date.
Howard: Yeah. How do you know that?
Sheldon: Easy. Forty weeks from the date of her last period.
Howard: And why do you know that?
Sheldon: Well, excuse me for taking an interest in people.

Bernadette: Okay, if it's not Michael, then what do you want to name him?
Howard: Harry? Like Potter or Houdini.
Bernadette: It doesn't bother you that I have an old boyfriend named Harry?
Howard: Okay. How 'bout Al or Max or... Ted or Kevin?
Bernadette: Same answer.

Sheldon: All right, that moves us on to the tactical shipping phase. Penny, I believe as logistics commander, that's you.
Penny: Okay.
(waving a white napkin)
Penny: I surrender.
Sheldon: Nice try, Penny. It takes more than everybody not enjoying it to stop a game with Sheldon Cooper.

Howard: (Storming into the kitchen) I can't believe you're trying to hijack our son's name.
(seeing she isn't there)
Howard: Bernie?
Bernadette: (From the other room) This is as fast as I can move! Calm down!

Penny: When did you pick out our kids' names?
Leonard: Remember that day you moved into the building?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: A non-creepy amount of time after that.

Amy: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard: Well, Sheldon texted and said Bernadette wanted us all to come over.
Sheldon: (seeing her expression) The game's best with five to ten players.

Howard: I can't believe her. She knows I don't want to name the baby after her dad.
Amy: What did you want to name him?
Howard: I don't know. We were gonna wait until we saw what he looked like.
Amy: Well, it's a baby. Her dad's a wrinkly bald man. That wasn't gonna break your way.

Howard: You okay?
Bernadette: Uh, I think that was a contraction.
Howard: Is it time? Do we need to go the hospital?
Bernadette: No. We've been through this before. My water hasn't even broken yet.
Sheldon: Never mind your water. Has your mucus plug popped out?
Bernadette: Ew, no!
Sheldon: Oh, you're right. We probably would've heard that.
Penny: It's not a champagne cork. Although, that would be festive.

Bernadette: (seeing "Campaign for North Africa" all laid out) Aw, come on!
Sheldon: Welcome to the next five to eight weeks of your life.
Bernadette: Sheldon, I said I didn't want to play your game.
Sheldon: Well, then don't think of it as a game. Think of it as a source of information about one of the lesser-known campaigns of World War II.
Bernadette: (sarcastic) You're right. That's so much better.
Sheldon: I know, right?

Raj: Dude! Why didn't you call me?
Raj: Well, the only way that I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.

Howard: So you're just gonna name him Michael? Were you even gonna tell me?
Bernadette: I told you.
Howard: When?
Bernadette: Oh, right. That was Amy.

Amy: I've always liked the name Elliott.
Leonard: Sorry, can't have it. That's my boy name.
Amy: I said it first.
Leonard: It's not like calling dibs.
Amy: Yes, it is. It's exactly like that. Dibs on Elliott.
Leonard: I-I'm just saying we might get there first. You only have sex once a year. I'll probably have sex tonight.
(Penny gives him a weird look)
Leonard: Fine, you can have Elliott.

Sheldon: Bernadette, it's your turn.
Bernadette: What about Greg?
Sheldon: All right, I'll just roll for you.
(he does so)
Sheldon: Ooh! That is a good one! Your troops' morale rating is pretty high. Now, Leonard, as the defender, we need to subtract your morale rating from Bernadette's to get a final adjusted morale rating for the assault. And I will just check the assault differential column. Ooh! Who said war was hell? Yeah, that's a rhetorical question. Sherman said it.

Howard: Bernie, this is our kid's name. I think we should both agree.
Bernadette: You're right. We both made this baby.
Howard: Thank you.
Bernadette: And I carried it, had to stay in bed for four months, sacrificed my body and my job, and soon it's gonna burst its way out of me like the Kool-Aid Man.
Howard: Exactly. Fifty/fifty.

Sheldon: Not to brag, but Amy's last birthday brought my coital tally up to four.
Leonard: Whatever you're doing, it's not bragging.

Leonard: Hey, what'd you name him?
Howard: Neil Michael. Neil for Armstrong, Gaiman, and Diamond. Michael because Bernie had to get six stitches.
Amy: Neil, that's cute.
Bernadette: (off screen) But we're calling him Michael!
Howard: I'm not gonna fight her. That kid's head was the size of a cantaloupe.

Howard: I'm sorry I tried to sneak the name past you.
Bernadette: That's okay.
Bernadette: I'm sorry I used up so many good names in college. I was really competitive with my roommate.
Howard: Forget about it. Please.

Howard: How you feeling?
Bernadette: Eh. But I am really excited to meet our son.
Howard: Me, too. I thought I'd be super freaked out. But I'm ready for this. Well, not the part where you're in labor and you squeeze my fingers 'till they turn blue.
Bernadette: (sarcastic) I'm sorry. That must be really painful for you.

Leonard: So, any day now.
Howard: Oh, I don't know. We went to the doctor this morning, and she said it could still be another week or two.
Raj: How's Bernadette holding up?
Howard: It's pretty rough. She's having a hard time.
Leonard: Why are you smiling?
Howard: I had sex twice last night.
Raj: That's not fair! She's on bed rest. She can't run away.
Howard: It was her idea. She read that it can start labor.
Raj: Hmm. Is that true?
Howard: Well, I would have Googled it, but I was busy taking my pants off.

Leonard: My mother believes that if you're not prepared mentally, it can delay your body from going into labor.
Bernadette: So what are you trying to say? It's my fault?
Leonard: (dodging) Raj is crazy. Your ankles aren't that gross.

Howard: Honey, babies don't always come on their due date. Halley was two weeks late.
(seeing her expression)
Howard: But this baby's a boy. They don't take as long to get ready.
Bernadette: What are you doing?
Howard: I'm making the situation better with humor.
Bernadette: Are you?
Howard: Would you rather me make it better with magic?
Bernadette: Go back to sleep.
Howard: Ta-da!
(he flops back onto his pillow)
Bernadette: (after a moment of silence) You know, I hear that sex can induce labor.
Howard: (popping back up) Anything for my family.

Sheldon: Yeah, I like the name Elliott. That wasn't on my list, but I like it.
Raj: We've heard your names. They're ridiculous. And I have a cousin named Dilip.

Sheldon: Hello.
Bernadette: Let me guess. You're here to try to get me to go into labor.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I-I'm disgusted when people sneeze, and that's just stuff coming out of their nose. No. I am here to sit with you and keep you company.
Bernadette: Oh, that's nice.
Sheldon: Yeah, by playing the most complicated board game ever invented: "Campaign for North Africa". I bought it off eBay. It smells a little like chili, but all the pieces are there.

Bernadette: What about Paul?
Howard: Paul. Paul Wolowitz. I like it.
Raj: Ooh, like "Koothra-Paul-i".
Bernadette: Okay, you ruined it.

Howard: I don't want to name our son after your father.
Bernadette: I didn't want to say this, but he's dying.
Howard: He is?
Bernadette: Eventually. I mean, you see the way the man eats.
Howard: Okay, is this the hormones, or have you always been a lunatic?
Bernadette: I don't even know anymore.

Bernadette: Howie. Howie, wake up. It's time.
Howard: (waking up) Oh. Did your water break?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: Are you feeling any contractions?
Bernadette: No.
Howard: (she starts to climb out of bed) Wait. Well, where are you going?
Bernadette: To the hospital. Today's my due date, and this crap needs to end now.

Penny: (Trying to get Bernadette to do some yoga with her) We go down.
(Penny squats down effortlessly, while Bernadette tries using the chair for assistance)
Penny: Then back up.
(She comes back up, but Bernadette is stuck)
Penny: And back up!
Bernadette: Yeah, hearing you is not the problem.
(Penny gets her cell phone and points it at Bernadette)
Bernadette: What are you doing? Put that thing away.
Penny: Smile.
(Click. The picture makes Bernadette look like she's going #2)

Penny: You know, when my yoga instructor was pregnant, she told me there are tons of poses that put her right into labor.
Bernadette: I'll try, but I feel like bendy poses are what got me into this mess.

Bernadette: You know what, maybe we should go.
Howard: Did you have another contraction?
Bernadette: No. I'm just worried that Sheldon's gonna say "mucus plug" again.
Sheldon: And I'm worried one's gonna hit me in the eye.

Penny: Hey, Bernie, it's me. I let myself in.
Bernadette: (sitting on the stairs) Hey.
Penny: What are you doing? I thought you were supposed to be on bed rest.
Bernadette: That's done, but I've been on stair rest for the last forty-five minutes.
Penny: Here, let me help you.
Bernadette: (Penny helps her stand up) Yeah. If you really want to help, put on a rubber glove, reach on up there and start pulling.
Penny: I know you're joking, but I grew up on a farm. I'll do it.

Raj: Dude! Why didn't you call me?
Howard: Well, the only way that I would see my son for the first time and immediately think "I need to call Raj" is if he came out brown.

Sheldon: Suez? Birth? It's a big night for canals.

Sheldon: (denying he watched "La La Land" four times) See, see. Look at my Netflix queue. There's two documentaries and the movie "Friends with Benefits", which I thought was a documentary about employer health care plans.

Amy: Hey, guys.
Leonard, Howard, Raj: Hey.
Sheldon: Hey, I was just talking about you.
Amy: Oh, should I ask?
Leonard: You should not.

Notes and Trivia

Howard and Bernadette's newborn son's first name is Neil, after Neil Armstrong (an astronaut, like Howard), Neil Diamond (Howard's favorite singer) and Neil Gaiman (an author famous for the Sandman comics). Gaiman would have a cameo later in the season, in The Comet Polarization (2018).

Ozymandias, as suggested by Sheldon as a name for a baby, would hold a nice additional meaning. He was an Egyptian Pharaoh (also known as Ramesses II) who was the subject of Percy Bysshe Shelley's poem 'Ozymandias' (known for the famous phrase "Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"), but it is also the name of an important character from the popular Watchmen comic, and its adaptation, Watchmen (2009).

The Campaign for North Africa, which Sheldon brings over to try to play with Bernadette, is a real-life game that was released in 1978; it is considered one of the most difficult and longest games ever to be played. It's also considered a collector's item and a cult favorite to hardcore gamers. It is famous for the "Pasta rule", which requires for the Italians to consume more water for boiling their pasta.

Title reference: the group is thinking of names for their future children after Howard and Bernadette cannot agree on one for their son.

Goofs

None

Cast

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