S02E08 - The Lizard Spock Expansion

No: 25  |  Season: 2   Episode: 8  |  Air Date: 2008-11-17  |  Runtime: mins

Hey Howard, you know it's getting late. So, do I get to drive this thing or what?

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Summary

Leonard and Howard's friendship is jeopardised when Leonard steals a girl from Howard.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Bill Prady / Teleplay by: Dave Goetsch & Jennifer Glickman

Script

Script: S02E08 - The Lizard Spock Expansion

Quotes

Howard: Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
Sheldon: What's plan B?
Howard: Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon: Why wasn't that plan A?

Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured!
Sheldon: No; no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board: art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.

Leonard: What's the emergency?
Howard: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!

Penny: Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
(Sees Howard with an eyepatch)
Penny: Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard: Step one, she notices the eye-patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as *hot* as you do with such greasy hair.
(Penny pulls on the eyepatch and snaps it back)
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
(Exits)
Howard: Ow.

Announcer: It's unclear how the Mars rover got into the crevice, but one thing's certain: the data which it has sent back contain the first clear indications that there may have been life on Mars.
(Howard's mouth falls open in shock)
Announcer: It's a scientific discovery that has staggering implications for all mankind. Unfortunately, we'll never know who's responsible.
Howard: Son of a bitch.

Sheldon: If someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard: I don't know... Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon: Are you going to the office?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard: Just say, "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon: All right.
(Robotically)
Sheldon: "Leonard went to... the office."
Leonard: What is-? No, not like that; just "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you had just told me you were going to the office.
Leonard: I'm going to the office.
Sheldon: See, why don't I believe you?

Penny: (Trying to get Howard to admit he works on the Mars Rover project) No, I remember specifically, you started by asking if I was from Mars, because my ass was out of this world.
Howard: Well that does sound like me, but no.

Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.

Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3; Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard: Compromise; watch Babylon 5.
(chuckles)
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, five is part way between three an... Never mind.

Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard: You know, I'm a physicist, so I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard: I wrote some of it down.

Raj: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
Raj, Sheldon, Howard: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
(They all draw Spock)
Sheldon: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard: How do we decide that?
Raj, Sheldon, Howard: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
Raj, Sheldon, Howard: (They all draw Spock again) Ahh!

Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard: That's just ridiculous! Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon: I don't make the rules, Leonard.

Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh, yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.

Raj: (Attempting to determine which Sci-fi show to watch the two heroes expand the rock-paper-scissors game) I'll tell you what. How about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard.

Leonard: Hi Steph. Come on in.
Stephanie: Is this a bad time?
Leonard: Yeah, but I don't see a better one on the horizon.

Stephanie: I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Stephanie: I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
Leonard: Then why did you?
Stephanie: He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
Leonard: Got it.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game, like: "Normally I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you they work."

Leonard: Let me ask you something: if your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not, because in fact you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well that depends.
Leonard: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard: Yeah...
Penny: Screw him - you're fine.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Well... Have you slept with her yet?
(Leonard nods)
Penny: You dog! Good for you!
Leonard: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard: So, why did you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy!

Penny: Howard, didn't you say you worked on the Mars rover?
Howard: No. You're mistaken.
Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.
Howard: I don't know what you're talking about.

Howard: There's got to be other options.
Raj: Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.
Sheldon: Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj: Oh, snap!
Sheldon: Snap what?

Leonard: So, can I see you again?
Stephanie: You're not done seeing me now.

Leonard: These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.

Howard: Hey, buddy, what brings you to my little slice of Hell?
Mrs. Wolowitz: Who is it?
Howard: It's Leonard!
Mrs. Wolowitz: You're gonna have to play outside! I'm not dressed to receive!
Howard: No one cares, Ma!
(to Leonard)
Howard: So, what's up?

Howard: Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
Stephanie: Hello, Howard.
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.

Notes and Trivia

The game of "Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock" was invented by a software engineer named Sam Kass, who outlined the rules and hand gestures on his website in 1998. He, however, called it "Rock Paper Scissors Spock Lizard".

Goofs

None

Cast

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