S02E09 - The White Asparagus Triangulation

No: 26  |  Season: 2   Episode: 9  |  Air Date: 2008-11-24  |  Runtime: mins

It's a shame it won't scar. The war wound is a time honored badge of masculinity.

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Summary

Sheldon believes that Leonard will wreck his relationship with Stephanie, so he decides to take matters into his own hands.

Director and Writers

Director: Mark Cendrowski
Writers: Story by: Dave Goetsch & Steven Molaro / Teleplay by: Stephen Engel & Richard Rosenstock

Script

Script: S02E09 - The White Asparagus Triangulation

Quotes

Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the "alpha" male. You see... When a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone Oxycontin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as "falling in love".
Leonard: Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
Sheldon: Yes, actually it would, but let's see how the lid goes.

Sheldon: If I am permitted to speak again, Doctor Sheldon Cooper for the win.

Leonard: (yelling) Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
Sheldon: In which I am not...
Leonard: Don't even!

Sheldon: Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.

Sheldon: How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
Raj: Well, if you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
Howard: I'll tell you what you shouldn't do. Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it. That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.

Sheldon: (seeing the mess in Penny's apartment) Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: (looking around) How can you be sure?

Penny: Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard: What for?
Penny: Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard: What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard: It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
(Everybody looks at Sheldon)
Sheldon: I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard: You hacked my Facebook account?
Sheldon: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".

Sheldon: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up.
(long pause)
Sheldon: Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Eh, uh... Strawberries.
Sheldon: Technically not a fruit, but all right.

Sheldon: Penny! Hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is shaking?
Penny: (pause) I'm sorry?
Sheldon: It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: Whats wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
Sheldon: I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. Saa-uup?
Penny: Please don't do that.
Sheldon: All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something *awkward* to discuss to someone it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit-chat.
Penny: So this *wasn't* the awkward part?

Stephanie: What do you say se get you home, put you to bed?
Leonard: Are you still gonna spend the night?
Stephanie: Uh, no. I think that you probably need to rest.
Sheldon: She's right. As long as you're vomiting, coitus is contraindicated.

Sheldon: I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: (reads note) "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh clearly, I could have.

Sheldon: Wait here. I'll find us seats.
Stephanie: Oh, no, we have seats.
Leonard: (wearily) Not the right seats.
Sheldon: (loudly) Ha. Ha. Ha.
Stephanie: What is he doing?
Leonard: (unenthused) He's finding the acoustic sweet spot.
Sheldon: (having changed seats) Ha.
Stephanie: Does he always do this?
Leonard: Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone.

Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny.
(Knock, knock, knock)
Sheldon: Penny...
Penny: What?
Sheldon: (Knock, knock, knock) Penny. Zucchini bread.
Penny: Ooh. Thank you!
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Y - I see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Sheldon: So have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New Topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research online and apparently, female primates - you know, apes, chimpanzees, YOU - they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female, is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question; where are you...
Sheldon: (Penny slams door on his face) Clearly I'm 14 days too early.

Howard: Look at Leonard's record: 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which, she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname, "Speed of Light Leonard".
Howard: And a 3-hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been 2 and a half if they ordered the souffl? when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
Sheldon: Yes, I'm aware of the math, Y = 27 days over 12 to the Nth.

Sheldon: I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you.
Sheldon: Fine, whatever works.

Leonard: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek!

Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Stephanie: Why, w-w-what happened?
Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own cat scanner.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, you tried to build your own cat scanner?
Sheldon: No, I didn't try, I succeeded. In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a snowball's chance in a cat scanner."

Leonard: Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?
Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you've been in a foul mood since I sat down.

Sheldon: (after informing Stephanie he had successfully made his own CAT scanner at the age of 12) In fact I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner!"

Leonard: All I'm saying is if they can cure yellow fever and malaria, why can't they do something about lactose intolerance?
Stephanie: Leonard, you're gonna have to let this go. You had a little cheese dip, you farted. I thought it was cute.

Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can't argue with her results. It's a shame it won't scar, the war wound is a time-honoured badge of masculinity.
Leonard: I can't remember a time when you weren't talking.

Penny: OK, all right, you know what... I'll tell you what happened.
(sighs heavily)
Penny: We were young; we were very much in love. but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

Sheldon: I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang, in which I believe I'm gaining remarkable fluency.

Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!

Sheldon: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Raj: (to Howard) You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.

Sheldon: This is bananabread.
Penny: This is a doorknob.

Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard
(whilst knocking)
Leonard: What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here?
(showing Leonard the laptop)
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Notes and Trivia

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) attempts to invoke "Starfleet General Order 104 Section A" to relieve Leonard (Johnny Galecki) of his command of his own relationship with Stephanie (Sara Rue). This section has not been clearly spelled out in a Star Trek episode, though the two sections that follow it (B and C) have.

Sheldon is correct in that a strawberry is not a fruit (it is derived from the ovary of a plant). It is actually an accessory fruit (derived from some tissue around the plant's ovary).

Goofs

None

Cast

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